Treasures

I think it's pretty safe to say that when you're going through infertility it's hard to find the bright spots most days. Life still has its joys, of course, but I mean it's difficult sometimes to recognize any good that could possibly come out of a trial when you're still so deeply submerged in it. I know that, personally, I spent day after day and year after year trudging along with my shoulders hunched and head down, bracing myself for another disappointment and just trying to make it one day at a time. It was hard to keep picking myself up after another loss... and another... and another. It felt (and still feels) like a burden, a struggle, and an uphill climb.

Thankfully, in the midst of all that, my husband and I worked to make some happy memories. We wanted to someday look back on our waiting years and see that there was still joy to be found -- but it took a few years for us to get there and actually put it into practice. That doesn't mean there weren't still a lot of hard days. It just meant that we tried to make the best of it. We spent lots of time with our families, we spoiled our nephews, we tried to be more spontaneous and do more fun things together, and we traveled. We went to Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, San Francisco, Florida, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, Washington, D.C., and New York City. We saved our money for vacations and seized every opportunity to turn work trips into new adventures. We used money we'd been saving for baby furniture to buy a new camera and I documented our new memories in scrapbooks. And now, years later, while I don't view my battle with infertility as over and done (although I pray it is), I can look back on portions of that time fondly. Those memories are some of the treasures that have come out of that trial.

That's what this post is about. Treasures. And by far the most amazing treasures that I've found over the past decade have been people. Our family members and some of our oldest and dearest friends stuck by us during that time and prayed their hearts out for us. That's a treasure. It means more to me than I could ever express. Sometimes people I didn't even know that well sent a card or told me how they were touched by our situation and our faith. That always encouraged me to keep going, and it helped me to learn to be more open about sharing our struggle because I knew that others were hurting too.

Suddenly there were lots of new people in my life who had also been through miscarriage or infertility. There were others who understood all the devastation and disappointment, the guilt and the grief that we'd been going through. All at once I could use this blog to sort out my emotions and fears, and read about other people who were facing similar circumstances. And it all came at a time when I needed it the most. That was a treasure.

Soon I began to feel such a kinship with my blog friends. Over the years it has worked out (not coincidentally, I believe) for me to meet a few of them in person. It has been one of my favorite things about blogging and one of the biggest and best treasures to come from this trial. Even now that I don't blog as much as I used to, I've been able to keep up with several friends and get to know them a little bit better on pretty much a day-to-day basis through facebook and email. Oh, how I wish I could meet all of them in real life!

What really amazes me now is to be able to see all of our paths in hindsight. None of our experiences were exactly the same. Some were more similar than others, but all of them were about longing and loss in one way or another. I always felt an extra special bond with those who shared not only my fight but also my faith. It's just one of those common denominators that often makes an instant connection.

My first in-real-life blog friend experience was in February of 2009 when I met Tammy. (I originally wrote about it here.) I didn't really "know" Tammy that well when it worked out for us to meet, but we didn't want to pass up the opportunity and I'm so glad we didn't. Our friendship has blossomed ever since that day. Thinking back to where we both were in 2009 and all that has happened since is pretty incredible. Tammy and her husband are such a precious couple, and it was a joy to watch as they brought home their beautiful daughter, Hannah, at Christmas just a couple of months ago! I am still over-the-moon excited for them.

Just a few months later, in May 2009, I found myself on vacation with my whole family in a cozy and beautiful cabin in Tennessee. While we were planning the trip, I realized that we wouldn't be very far away from a dear blog friend in North Carolina, Beth. It was settled: we were going to set up a meeting! (Read more about our meeting here.) Beth and I had been communicating frequently through email ever since I'd first discovered her blog the previous year. I felt an instant connection with her and we'd formed a fast friendship. She and I shared so many griefs and fears together, and amazingly, we've celebrated with these dear friends as they've welcomed not one, not two, but THREE gorgeous boys into their family since then! It still gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

Fast forward to just a little over a year later, in July 2010. I had discovered a while before that one of my sweet blog friends lived not too far from my hometown in Louisiana. I knew then that I was destined to meet Crystal during one of my trips back home, and I was so touched that our first meeting happened at my baby shower. (I wrote more about it here.) We were expecting Lily in September, and it was very sweet to share that time together as Crystal was also expecting her miracle baby boy that December. Our meeting is a very special memory of an amazing, almost ethereal time for me -- for us both, I'm sure, as we found ourselves in the middle of our long-awaited and much prayed for healthy pregnancies. It has been a special treat to be able to visit with Crystal and her adorable son twice more since then, at Christmas of 2010 when our babies were tiny and again last Christmas as they toddled around and played together. This friendship has been such a sweet gift!

That brings me to 2012, and the addition of a fourth friend to this special list of treasures. At the end of last month on our way back from visiting family in Oklahoma, we were able to stop by the home of my blog friend, Jessica. Our trip would take us within just a few miles of their house, not far from the interstate, and it was the perfect opportunity for our families to meet. Jessica and I had an amazing moment not long after she found my blog when we realized that we'd attended the same college. We never knew each other there, but before long we also made the connection that she and my husband had both grown up right there in that small college town and had -- brace yourselves -- graduated from high school together! Oh, I just love the way God works things out. We had a wonderful visit with Jessica and her husband, and we were thrilled to be able to meet their precious new miracle girl, just 7 weeks old. It was the kind of meeting where everything just clicked and it was as natural and easy as being with old friends. We are so thankful that we got to meet these friends face-to-face after sharing in the struggle, and it touched my heart to watch our daughter play in their daughter's room. What a blessing it was!


To each and every one of the special friends we've "met" along the way, I hope you know what a treasure YOU are.

Showers of Blessing

Since I last wrote a blog post we had our fourth and final baby shower, had some maternity pictures taken, and I'm now quickly approaching 35 weeks. Although the proof is all around us, I still find it completely amazing that I will soon be nine months pregnant.

Our baby girl has been growing quite a bit over these last couple of weeks. I've noticed a huge change in the size of my belly even though I gained only one pound in the two weeks between my last OB visits. At yesterday's appointment, the doctor said the baby is a good size and her heartbeat is still sounding great. My blood pressure remains in the normal range and I couldn't be more grateful that this pregnancy has gone so smoothly. I think even when I would let myself imagine what it would be like to finally carry a baby for this long, I never dreamed it would be possible for me to experience a largely stress-free (at least for the last two trimesters) pregnancy after all we'd been through up to this point. Thank you, Lord!

My next appointment will be in two weeks and from there I'll begin seeing the doctor every week. Believe it or not, that means only THREE more OB visits until baby time! Unbelievable.

I will share some of our favorites from the maternity pics in the next post, but today I have a few from the last baby shower. This one was our local shower with mostly church friends, a few family members, and a few Louisiana friends who now also live in Texas. My precious friend Meagan did a fantastic job putting all of it together! It was beautiful and it was another very special day of celebration for our little Lily girl that will be in my heart forever.
Here are some photos from the day, August 7. (I was 33 weeks.)

Sweet, sweet little birdie cake!

Food and decorations. (We got to keep all of the adorable outfits that were hanging all around the room!)

Me with shower hostess and wonderful friend, Meagan.

Chuck and me :)

With my dear friends/family from home. That's me in the middle and my sister next to me with the dark hair. The two friends on either end are two of my oldest and dearest friends all the way since grade school. The lovely lady in the multi-colored blouse is a teacher/friend from my high school. It was so sweet to have them all there!

Each and every baby shower we've had the honor of having has been so precious to me. I can hardly find the words to say how much they have all meant to us and were more than we could have hoped for. Thank you to our friends and family for celebrating this miracle with us and praying us through to this point. We love you!

Thankfulness and Mercy

I sure do find myself saying "thank you" a lot lately. I love that. Every day it seems there is someone to thank for something, whether it is a sweet gift for Lily, an encouraging word, or a reminder that someone is praying for us.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I always have the desire to thank YOU as well, those of you who still read these words that I write and who have shared in our joy as we prepare for this baby. I want you to know that I don't take this blogging community lightly. Once I've spent weeks, months, and years reading your blogs and praying my heart out for you in your specific situations and struggles, I no longer just think of you as acquaintances. Sure, it's different; there are some of you whose faces I've never even seen in pictures and whose real names I don't know. But I still feel a connection and a shared bond with many of you.

More than a year ago I started keeping a list. It's just a simple Word document on my computer that I began when the list of blogs that I follow kept growing. I've admitted to you before that I like lists. Okay, not only do I like them, but I'm a bit obsessed with them. They help me keep things in order, which is always a good thing! This list of names and blog titles served to help me remember who went with what blog and what the specific situation was. It also became a way of keeping up with my prayer requests for you. I was able to easily look it over and see who might be struggling with a loss, who was heartbroken over infertility, who was celebrating a pregnancy, who was waiting to adopt, and so on.

That list has grown to about 80 individual names and situations. I keep them updated with new information, or when a baby that I've been praying for is born or adopted, listing the baby's name (if given) and birth date in orange. I don't know why I picked orange, but that's what it is. Having the list brings me a lot of joy, partly because there is a lot more orange on it than there used to be! Each one is an answered prayer. Unfortunately, I know that not everyone's story will end with bringing home a baby. The purpose of the list is not to ultimately put down a baby's name by each one. Instead, it reminds me how many friends I've met along the way and how many different people's lives have in some way been connected with mine as we've shared our stories. I'm thankful for this list and each name that it represents. I'm thankful for the support and prayers we've received over the past couple of years from people who started out as strangers, as well as from my sweet real-life friends who follow along with my blog (I pray for you guys, too, of course!).

So, that's the long way of telling you how much I appreciate you for reading and responding to this little blog. It is sweet to be able to share some good experiences with you lately, after enduring what felt like a lifetime of disappointment and loss. I know that it's not always easy to follow someone when you are struggling. I'm always moved when I receive a comment from someone who I know is having a bad day (or year), and I'm very touched to get e-mails from new readers who are in the beginning or the middle of their own battles with infertility or recurrent miscarriage, who tell me that reading my story has given them hope. That alone is what keeps me writing about this experience I've been through. It wasn't easy, but with the Lord's help I've survived through multiple miscarriages and many years of heartbreak and despair. Thank you for finding hope in my story and encouraging me to keep sharing it!

There is a whole lot of thankfulness to go around! And now I've come to the part about mercy. I'm going to share with you very briefly but honestly that there have been some times that have stung in recent months. While I recognize the hurt and the struggle, it is still a sobering thought when you realize that your answered prayer, your miracle baby who finally survived in your womb, is the very thing that will cause some to stop following your story. That is the only thing I will say about it, and I don't plan on revisiting the subject in the future. I've felt some sadness over it and I've spent some time dwelling on it. Then I was at church this past Sunday and we had a guest speaker who talked about showing mercy, and the message went right to my core. I've made up my mind to let go of whatever hurt feelings I may have had and just continue to handle it with love and with mercy. I'll continue to follow and I'll continue to pray even if the sentiments are not returned.

I have for a long time resisted the tendency to lean towards an "us versus them" mentality, both when I was waiting to have a baby and especially now. A woman with a heart that aches over the sadness of infertility and the despair of pregnancy loss is not someone I used to be. It's someone I still am and will always be. A successful pregnancy hasn't caused me to "change sides." I'm the same woman... whose heart is also thankful to God for the grace and mercy that He has shown by giving us this child after we've entrusted six others to His eternal care. That wasn't a small sacrifice, but through it all we've learned to trust Him. This experience continues to teach me new things and grow me in ways that I never imagined. Sometimes the growing pains are not easy, but I'm grateful for the lessons learned.

Let me say again, thank you for walking with me and for sticking around for as long as you have, through the bad times and the good ones. It means so much to me!

Happy Days

First I want to thank you so very much for the precious and supportive comments on my last post. It means a great deal to me that so many of you care and continue to follow our journey and take the time to encourage me with your words. Thank you!

We have had another very busy and very full couple of weeks, but I'm grateful for every moment. Last weekend we had our third baby shower, near my hometown this time, hosted by my sister and held at her church. We celebrated sweet Lily with cake, food, and gifts galore!

(Me at 29 weeks, with the adorable cake)

(With my lovely sister and mother)

I was so touched to have so many wonderful people there with me. My husband attended this one and was our official photographer for the day. My sister and mom were there, of course, as well as members from both my mom and dad's side of the family. My dad and his wife came by for a little while before the shower began. It is always a bit tricky to have events like this when you come from divorced parents, but thank the Lord it went really well. Two of my older half-siblings also came with their families, along with my mom's sister, my dad's sister and my 92-year-old grandmother. Chuck's sister, grandmother, and aunt were also with us that day.

(My husband and me with our sweet grandmothers)

There were so many friends surrounding us and it meant so much to us! Four of my classmates from grade school were there and another dear school friend was there with her sweet daughter who is practically grown now. I could go on and on about how I felt seeing the joy on the faces of our family and friends over this miracle! As hard as it used to be to imagine attending my own baby showers, I have to say they have been such memorable days for me. Just as I hoped and imagined, I'm able to look around the room and thank the Lord for putting people in our lives who truly love us, care about us, and pray for us. It's hard to find words to express how that makes me feel.

I was touched to have several old friends there to share the day with, but I also had a very special guest whose presence made me cry tears of joy. There, at my baby shower, I was able to meet a precious blog friend face to face for the first time! This was my third time to be able to meet a fellow blogger in person and it is always an incredible experience. Crystal and I made the connection quite a while ago that we were from the same general area, and I was delighted that she came to share this day with us. You see, Crystal is also expecting her miracle baby, due just three months after my Lily! Oh how I've prayed for her throughout her struggle (just as I still do for so many of you) and it was such a huge blessing to be able to share hugs, tears, and smiles on that day.


Thank you so much, friend, for giving me this beautiful memory! I can't wait to tell my daughter about it someday. The gifts you brought were so precious and I know they were from the heart!

We once again returned home with a car-full of wonderful, generous gifts from dear friends and family. My sister, her friends, and my mom did a great job of making the day so special for us.

We've had our sweet nephew, N, here with us for the week and we have had such a great time spending one-on-one time with him! We made this plan several months back so we could spend some extra time with my sister's boys before the baby arrives. They usually come together, but this year they were both so excited about coming one at a time. So we've had a 7-year-old with us all week and we are sad to have to take him back home this weekend, but his older brother will be here with us next week! I know I don't have to tell you how much we love spending time with our boys. :)

Finally, can I just tell you what a remarkable uncle my dear husband is? He has come home from work every single day this week excited and ready to spend some fun time with N. They went bowling, played at the arcade, and spent an afternoon at a water park. The three of us also went to the movies, played games, and got in lots of cuddle time with movie nights at home. Even as I write this from the living room couch, they are curled up in our bed watching The Lion King together. (Actually, I just peeked in and they are both asleep!)
My husband loves it. And he will do it all over again when N's brother comes to stay with us next week! I love watching him with my sister's kids, and my heart overflows when I imagine how wonderful he will be with his daughter.

One of the last things they did together before we take N home tomorrow was put Lily's crib together. N loves to help build things, so it was the perfect project for them! We got the rest of the furniture in this week as well and her room is beginning to take shape. We don't yet have the crib mattress and the walls are not decorated, but I will post pics of the nursery in the coming weeks when it is done.

I can't believe that tonight I will go to sleep in my house while the room down the hall has a baby bed in it. Thank you, Lord. My heart is full!

One final word: please keep my sweet mom in your prayers. She had back surgery (which lasted a whopping seven hours) this week and is still recovering in the hospital. I know she would greatly appreciate your prayers right now! We will see her this weekend.

FULL

It has been a very busy week around here and I have lots of updates to get to. I've been feeling very full lately, which is quite a change after so many years of feeling so empty. It's hard to believe that after six and a half months I still sometimes feel like this is not really happening, that I can't really have a baby growing inside. But somehow, against all odds, that's where we are and my heart is full.

Last weekend was our first baby shower. This one was scheduled first because it was in my husband's hometown (the town where we both went to college, got married, and lived for a few years before moving to Texas), which is a six-hour drive from our home. We know we won't be traveling that far again, so the time was right. It was such a sweet day. The shower was held in the home of a dear friend of mine who went through quite a few years of infertility way back when I had no idea about such things. She's not that much older than I am, but her years of infertility came before we had started trying to have children and it seems like so long ago to me now. She now has two daughters and a son after her years of waiting and battling severe endometriosis. Having the shower in her beautiful home was special to me because of that and because of what a great friend she is.

Three more dear friends of mine were also hostesses that day, and they did such a great job of decorating and preparing the wonderful food! I was delighted to have both of my sisters-in-law in town for the occasion as well. We had just over 30 people in attendance and I truly felt overwhelmed with joy at the love and generosity. A few of the people there were church friends who were around for our wedding shower 12 years ago. There were some friends there that day that we hadn't seen in many years and had been dearly missed. Above all, I felt surrounded by people who had spent years praying us through so much heartache before finally getting to this point of celebration. That made the day so special to me!

Oh, and yes, our car was absolutely FULL for the six-hour ride home because of their generosity! We were given plenty of wonderful things for Lily. Boy, do people like to buy clothes for baby girls! :) I loved it, though, and each and every gift I opened made my heart sing. I imagined her in those sweet little dresses. I imagined her in that car seat. I imagined her in her high chair for family meals. And I even imagined changing diapers, all with so much joy and gratitude for the opportunity to be in this position.

When I looked around the room I saw a few precious faces of women that I know have walked this road in some way. There were at least two who have faced infertility and at least four more who have babies in heaven. This was not lost on me for one second. I attempted to express my thanks to everyone there when it was over, but of course it came out as a jumbled, tearful mess. I hope that my message came through, though, and that everyone there knew what this means to me. Not just the gifts and not just their attendance that day, but the years and years of support and prayers that have gotten us here.

I don't have all of the pictures yet from that day (they are on a few different cameras) but I can share a couple. I may have more for next week, along with some from our second shower which is coming up on Friday of this week, hosted by my husband's co-workers.





Here is a pic of Lily's room (obviously still set up as a guest room) after we got home with all of her stuff. You can see why my heart is so very full!


Here is a closeup of that adorable wreath that was made by the shower host. I couldn't wait to get home and hang it on the door!


Also, last week I had a visit from a dear friend of mine who brought the most precious gifts, including this gorgeous canvas that she painted for Lily's room. We both cried when I opened it! Talk about my heart overflowing... I was so touched. I will treasure it and I can't wait to hang it in her room as a sweet reminder: "I prayed for this child and the Lord granted what I asked of Him." Thanks, GG!


One more update: I went to my OB appointment on Monday and everything is still looking good. My weight really jumped up there this time, as I'm sure you can tell from these recent pics, but the doc says she thinks I'm at a good weight for this stage. (Whew!) I will go again in 3 weeks because it will be time for my glucose screening, and after that it will be time to start going every 2 weeks! I can't believe it.

Regrets

(I hate to start a post with a disclaimer, but wanted to make it clear that this is not meant in any way to point a finger at anyone. It comes only from things I have thought and felt as part of my own personal journey. And now I hope it doesn't come out as one big jumbled mess...)

Regrets. I've had a few. And I've been thinking about them a lot lately as my perspective begins to shift.

When I think about how going through recurrent pregnancy loss changed me as a person over the years, I can't help but think about the bad things every now and then. And while I know that the way I interacted with and responded to people around me came from a place of deep, deep hurt and grief, I do sometimes feel badly about things I didn't do. There were times when I wasn't capable of attending baby showers. There were times when I couldn't go visit a family in the hospital after the birth of a child. There were days when seeing a positive pregnancy test on someone's blog felt like more than I could handle. And there were times when even looking at a pregnant woman was just so hard.

Yet somehow I know that that's really okay. I encourage others that it's okay and I honestly believe that. Only you know how much you can handle at any given time when you are the one who's hurting. While it may sound selfish, sometimes you really do have to think about your fragile emotional state and do what's necessary to protect yourself. Sometimes your heart needs time to heal.

I remember times when I pushed myself to do things even though I knew in my heart I wasn't ready. I was once persuaded to begin attending a new small group Bible study many years back, too soon after one of my miscarriages. It was in the home of a person I barely knew, but I went. As the conversation grew more personal during the meeting, I felt exposed and vulnerable and it wasn't long before the tears were flowing and I wanted to hide under the table. I was so uncomfortable and I knew that I'd made a mistake. It was just too early.

The last baby shower I attended more than three years ago was equally painful. Again, I knew deep down that I wasn't ready. Thankfully, that time when I felt my emotions rising up, I was able to make a swift exit before they began to overflow. Truthfully, the last thing I wanted to do was ruin the event for the happy mother-to-be. And it wasn't just being there around an expectant mother that was tough; it was the nature of the shower itself. We had to go around the room and share personal motherhood stories (Is this anyone else's worst nightmare? Did it occur to them that not everyone in the room had children?), and I was not prepared to be in the spotlight and have my grief on display in front of so many onlookers.

I think I realized that I had to take things on a case-by-case basis. There were other times when I felt truly safe in a situation and knew that I could handle it and wanted to be there. While the baby shower remained too unpredictable for me, I began to feel excitement again about visiting new babies in the hospital. I found great joy in being able to be there with my friends and celebrate the miracle of life with them! I know that it's by the grace of God, but in those small hospital rooms surrounded by such precious friends, I began to feel safe again. Even though I might have a knot in my throat the size of Texas when I held those brand new babies and remembered what I'd lost, I no longer let it take over and have control over me. And if it happened that later, in the privacy of my home and in the arms of my understanding husband, that I needed to have a good cry, then I let that happen, too. It had never really been about wishing other people harm or not being happy for them. It wasn't even so much about jealousy or bitterness. It was simply my own sadness and emptiness because of my inability to be a mother and my grief over having lost our babies over and over again.

While I was seeing progress and changes in my own heart eventually, it had taken a long time. I still feel some regret because I wasn't more supportive for certain friends during their pregnancies. There are dear, precious friends who have held us up and prayed their hearts out for my own pregnancy, and when I remember how distant I must have been during their joyful times, I am so ashamed. I've made a few tearful apologies about that and have so far been met with such grace and understanding by friends who truly sought to understand where I was coming from. Even so, I felt the apology was necessary and it has done my heart good to go through with it.

I think I realized that, as often as I complained about friends who wanted to be there in my joys and not my sorrows, it was hypocritical of me that I couldn't be there in their times of celebration! I had begun to only identify with others who were hurting like I was because somehow that was easier. And while I do think that we are given the ability to encourage others who share in our specific trials, I know that I was separating myself from those who had what I wanted. And I know that it wasn't fair.

Just as it hurts when friends abandon you in your times of need, when you're hurt and grieving and struggling, it also hurts when friends can't love you enough to be happy when you finally make it through and survive that horrible trial. I didn't want to be that kind of friend to others. It was a hard transition, but God began to change my heart. He showed me how sad it was that I found it difficult to celebrate when He created a new life. After all, if I couldn't celebrate when others had successful pregnancies, what did that say about me? I always said I wouldn't wish infertility or miscarriage on my worst enemy. If that was really true, then I knew the right thing to do was to be genuinely joyful when a new baby was born and to celebrate with my friends who became new parents. The alternative, while it was familiar to me after losing six babies, would have been so hard to watch my friends struggle through. Of course that is not what I wanted.

And now, of course, as this pregnancy progresses, I can't believe that I am here. My perspective is changing once again. My goal will always be to make my blog a safe place for those who visit. But just as I shared my hurt and longing during the waiting, I must also share the joy that comes from being able to see the end of a long and painful struggle finally coming into focus. I know that some won't follow. And even though it stings a bit, I understand. I understand that so many times the person who is hurting has more urgent needs, whether it be support or prayers or space or time. I know, because that's where I was for eight long years.

I hope this blog will always be a place where others can come and find friendship and understanding, and especially a testimony to God's faithfulness. I've promised that I will never, could never, forget where I've been and how painful it was. The memories of the children we didn't get to hold and the years we spent waiting and the agony of not knowing what our future would hold are forever in my heart.

I hope you know that it means the world to me that so many of you still choose to walk with us, even now in our joy over this answered prayer. I know that's not easy when your heart longs to have your prayer answered. But I thank you for caring and loving enough to appreciate how much this baby means to us and how much we went through to get her here. It is truly a treasure to have friends who are there when you mourn and when you celebrate, and we're honored to share each part of our journey with you! We can't wait to one day celebrate your victories with you, dear friends.

Why Now?

That is the question I've been pondering lately.

It has almost replaced my old standard question that has been around for so many years, "Why me?" Why was it so hard? Why did we have to live through one loss after another for 6 years, followed by 3 years of waiting and wondering? Those questions are still with me, although they're not at the forefront of my mind like they used to be. No, it's not because I'm pregnant; it's because I was learning to let it go. I knew that, for me, I had to get to a place where I could let go of my desire to know why things happen the way they do. It was a matter of trusting that God was still in control and I needed to trust that even though I didn't have a baby.

I'm still learning to trust Him. Lately I've been wondering, "Why now?" What changed so that we could now make it to the 16th week of pregnancy? Why has the Lord now decided to give us this child?

I don't know the answer. We didn't know why then, and we don't know why now.

I don't know why we struggled through recurrent miscarriage alone. To clarify, we had the wonderful support of our family and some close friends through that trial. But it is a lonely time even for a couple. What I mean is that we didn't know very many others who had been through what we were facing. It was so hard. Our babies were dying and I knew that there was a problem somewhere inside my body that was causing it. It is a helpless, horrible feeling. We sought the help of doctors along the way who identified a few issues and corrected them. We hoped for something different, but nothing changed. We still got pregnant and we still miscarried. We felt like we were walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

Then came what we felt was our time in the desert. Three years of nothing. We were facing infertility on top of recurrent miscarriage.

The difference was that God gave me an outlet during that time. In those few years He gave me a community of supporters who quickly became friends. He allowed me the opportunity to write, which was something I hadn't explored in a long time. He gave me what I still consider a ministry, here, in the form of a blog. We weren't alone anymore. Sure, it was still hard, but now we had our family and friends plus a group of people who knew what we felt because they too were living it. And all of a sudden, instead of wanting to hide ourselves away until our problem was resolved (if it ever would be) and instead of being ashamed of how devastated we felt about our situation, we began to be more open about it. Now, when people asked why we didn't have children, we told them why. We told them about how long we had been trying, how hard it had been, and how desperately we wanted that. We asked them to pray with us and we talked about the babies we'd lost. I no longer worried so much about hiding my tears. It was really hard and really outside of what felt comfortable, but we almost embraced it in a way. YES, we still hated it, but I think we realized that it was becoming part of our story.

It's strange to think that now is the time for us to have a successful pregnancy. Why now? Maybe it's because I needed you guys to hold me up and have faith when I didn't. Without a doubt I know that I need your prayers and encouragement to get through this new waiting period. I have a lot of fears and a lot of worries even though we're farther than we've ever been. Oh, how I wish I could have had this community when it was our season of loss. But for some reason that I may never fully understand, we needed to get through that time together and we needed to learn to rely on God. We needed to realize that we weren't really alone because He never did leave us.

Since I started blogging almost 2 years ago, I've watched (and prayed, and rejoiced!) as more than 20 of my blog friends have given birth to or adopted new babies! I think that's incredible. My list of friends who are still waiting, however, is longer than 20. I pray every single day for people on that list. If you're still in the valley of miscarriage and loss or in the desert of infertility, I pray that it will soon be your time to sit back and wonder in amazement, why now?

It's okay with me if I never get the answer. He knows why. And I'm thankful.

Find Out Who Your Friends Are

Yesterday on face.book, one of my friends who often posts quotes that she likes as her status message had this as her quote of the day:

Do not think of a painful experience as a dark time in your life. You emerge out of everything learning something or becoming a better person. You realize who your real friends are and how much your loved ones mean to you. ~Colleen Ho

This quote really resonated with me and I'm guessing it might with many of you as well. I liked it so much that I asked to borrow it for my own status message. I'm still thinking about it today, so I thought I'd share it with you here on the blog. The thing is, it's not that I've never realized this before. It's not necessarily a brand new idea for me or anything; I just like the way that it's stated. It's simple, yet so true.

I have many times thought of my experience with recurrent pregnancy loss as a dark time in my life. The darkest, actually. I am, however, able to see how much I've learned and how it has changed me, in many ways for the better. But oh, that last sentence is the one that really hits home.

"You realize who your real friends are and how much your loved ones mean to you."

Yes, yes, YES! Absolutely nothing on earth has made me realize this until I lived through this trial. My loved ones were very precious to me before, but I really do believe that this is a life lesson I've truly been able to experience in the past decade of my life -- the one affected by infertility and loss.

Here is something true about me: I'm not interested in fair-weather friends. I can totally appreciate that some friends are meant to be more casual and we may not fully connect and become really close. That's completely fine. But what I mean is that I'm not into the kinds of friends who only want to be around when life is peachy. Then, when troubles come, they are nowhere to be found. Unfortunately, I've experienced a few friends like these.

Going through infertility sure does help you find out who your friends are, especially when your experience is a very long one. Some haven't hung in there and have eventually fallen away. Some were really supportive at the beginning, but slacked off when there wasn't a quick resolution to our problem. No, it's not always due to what I'm going through. Sometimes distance and time and other factors can come between friends. But sometimes it's true that friends have no longer been willing to figure out how to relate to us or provide encouragement, or simply be there when we've needed it most. I also recognize that it's not always the other person's fault. I'll accept some of the blame. Sometimes I've let the fact that I don't fit in well at play dates or birthday parties or baby showers get in the way of relationships with my friends who are parents. I admit that.

But then there are times when I've truly made an effort and the effort is not returned. It's not something I'm bitter about, but I do know this: my true friends didn't go away when I started having miscarriages. They didn't totally forget that we existed when they had their own children. They know that sometimes I need to talk about all of this, and sometimes I need to talk about anything but this. They know that I'm hurting inside even when things look okay on the outside. They haven't put a time limit on my grief. They encourage us to keep going, and they don't offer all kinds of unwanted advice to try to fix our problem. They pray for us and they tell us that they do. Many times they even have their children praying for us, which always touches my heart.

I have a feeling that, if this pregnancy continues to progress and as the word continues to get out, some of those fair-weather friends are going to come out of the woodwork. They'll want to pick up right where we left off three, five, ten years ago, and they'll want me to suddenly be normal again so we can go on pretending that life is always happy and perfect. I'm just not sure I'll be ready to do that. It is so much sweeter to celebrate victories with those who were with you in the times of defeat! They are the ones who will truly rejoice with you because they've helped you carry the burden.

I hope this post doesn't come off as harsh. It is actually coming from a very positive place, a place where I'm thankful for who my friends are and not who they aren't. This past week I was able to have lunch with a dear friend who moved out of state more than a year ago. We sat together at my new favorite burger joint while her adorable toddler wiggled in her seat and ate more mustard than hot dog. My friend had a miscarriage several months ago, after her daughter. I hurt so badly for her when that happened and I hated that we were miles apart. But that shared experience is not why we are able to have great heart-to-heart conversations over cheeseburgers with tears in our eyes. I believe we can do that because we have the bond of friendship and the common denominator of a shared faith, and because we haven't allowed parenthood or loss or time or distance to change that.

Inevitably, after I write a post like this, some sweet friends will send me messages or call and say that they feel they haven't done enough or fear this post was in some way about them. Definitely NOT! If you are a real-life friend and you read this blog, that tells me two things: 1. I trust you enough to invite you to follow along with us on this journey of ups and downs, and to read my most personal thoughts about a very personal issue; 2. You care enough to take the time to read it. Trust me when I tell you, that is enough! Those things alone mean so much to me, and those of you who do read it are so faithful to leave comments and send messages and notes of encouragement along the way. I hope you know how much I treasure you!

To my fellow bloggers, you guys are so special to us. Never could I have imagined having so much love and support from people who started out as total strangers. You bless me in ways I could never describe. Thank you for becoming true friends to us and choosing to walk with us. You are often in our prayers and our conversations with one another. My husband knows you all by name, or at the very least, blog title!

And to our family, who love us unconditionally whether we ever have a baby or not and in all of our imperfections, you mean the world to us! There is no way we could have gotten this far without your love and prayers.

I have found who my true friends are, and I know now more than ever how much my loved ones mean to me. It's a beautiful thing.

***********

Pregnancy update:
Still doing well and hanging in there! I'm now 10 weeks, 2 days. Just 3 more sleeps until our next ultrasound. Prayers are appreciated, as always!

And More Awards!

(Note: This is the second of two award posts I've done this week. If I told you I gave you an award and you don't see it here, it may be on the first post HERE.) :)

I have two more awards in my possession that I need to pass along! I'll get right to it. First, last month I was give the Making Lemonade out of Lemons award by A from Remember All the Way. Thank you, A! This is a sweet award because it recognizes bloggers who display a positive attitude. Now, to me this doesn't mean being all happy and joy all the time, but it means remaining hopeful and positive even through hard times! When I think of a blogger with a positive outlook, I definitely think of A. But since I can't give it back to her, I'm passing it along to 10 other sweet friends who have also earned it!

Here is the award followed by the rules:


- Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
- Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
- Link the nominees within your post.
- Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
- Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

Now here are the 10 gracious bloggers I'd like to pass this award to. I am constantly encouraged by each of them and their amazing attitudes and outlooks.

Sunny at Progress Not Perfection
Melody at Life is a Bowl of Wedgies
Jennifer at Thoughts From a Blonde
Michele at BTW... We Did Not "Just Relax"
Erica at Parenthood for Me
Abby at LIFE as I Know it
Stacy at In Its Time
Asha at And So it Goes...
Alicia at Consider it All Joy
Idgie at A Long and Winding Road

Congratulations, ladies! Thanks for encouraging me to keep making lemonade out of lemons!

********

Next, I was given the very cute Sugar Doll award from a very cute blog friend, Jennifer at Thoughts from a Blonde. Thanks, Jennifer! Getting to know you has been really fun so far and I'm so fortunate to have such sweet people like you walking beside me on this road.

Here is the award:


The rules are simply to copy the award to your own blog, tell your readers 10 things about yourself, and pass it along!

Whew! Okay, here are 10 things about yours truly. I've tried to keep it brief this time!

1. My favorite colors are green, brown, and red. All three colors appear on the walls in different rooms of my house.

2. I don’t like the taste of coffee or tea.

3. I have absolutely no musical talent. The only musical instrument I play is guitar on Rock Band Wii. :) My husband, on the other hand, plays the actual guitar and is currently doing a great job learning how to play the drums! He alternates playing drums and guitar on the praise team at our church.

4. My husband and I have three adorable nephews, ages 9 years and 7 years (my sister’s boys), and 10 months (his brother’s son). I actually have 4 more nieces and 1 more nephew, if you also count the children of my half-siblings. Two of my nieces are married and have children of their own, which makes me a great-aunt.

5. I love to eat seafood. I’m sure living my whole life near the Gulf coast has contributed to this, but I can’t get enough of it. I especially love fish, shrimp, and crawfish.

6. I had my vision corrected with LASIK eye surgery 2 years ago. I was pretty scared, but it didn’t hurt a bit and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made!

7. We take lots of pictures and I love to scrapbook them. Scrapbooking is definitely one of my favorite hobbies, but unfortunately I neglect it sometimes. Other times I’m holed up in my scrapbook room and people don’t see or hear from me for days. :)

8. I would absolutely love to visit all 50 states. So far I have been to 21 of them, which I guess isn’t a bad start. I still have lots of traveling to do! I have mostly been all over the south and to parts of the east coast. The only places west of Texas that I’ve been to are Colorado and California. How many U.S. states have you visited? If it’s more than 21 I will probably be jealous!

9. I have visited 21 states but have only lived in 2 of them. I lived in Louisiana for the first 24 years of my life and have lived in Texas for the last 9 years.

10. I love all kinds of movies, but some of my absolute favorites are movies based on Jane Austen novels, Victorian literature, and just BBC miniseries in general. I’m a sucker for those! I love getting lost in that world for a little while.

I'd like to give this award to some special blog friends who write about all kinds of interesting things, from life to homemaking, from renovating to decorating, from singlehood to motherhood, from faith to family -- all are special to me and I love their blogs!

Lauren at Thread by Thread
TRS at Single Solitary Things
Amy at Inside the Parsonage
Faith at Millerhomestead's Blog
Renovation Girl
Anna at Anna's Joy

Click on any one of these blogs (or all of them) and you're bound to find something you like or can relate to! And ladies, thanks for being such beautiful and talented women that I'm happy to know.

Awards!

I am long overdue for thanking some lovely ladies for giving me some sweet blog awards! I apologize for letting them pile up like this, but I am finally getting around to coming up with some random things about myself and passing these awards on to some dear bloggy pals. I know this may be cheating, but I have come up with 7 things you will either find interesting or incredibly boring, and I'm using these 7 for both of these awards. There's no way I could come up with an additional 10 random things! I'm sure there is only so much randomness about Stacey that the blogosphere can handle in one day.

So, here goes. First of all, I was given the Honest Scrap award by Katie way back in November. Katie is a sweet and funny gal whose blog always makes me smile (that is, when it's not making me cry). She has been through a lot and has shown such strength and determination. Thanks, Katie!

Rules:
This is how this award thing works- some awesome person passes the award to you, and you in turn write 10 HONEST things about yourself and pass on to another awesome person!

I've decided I want to know 10 honest things about Erin at Loss of Great Expectations. Erin has a fairly new blog, so it would be great if you would go over and show her some love and support as she shares her story!

*********

Next, I have received the Beautiful Blogger award from four sweet friends over the past few months. Thank you Michelle from To Baby and Beyond, A from Remember All the Way, Tammy from Tammy's Journey, and Michelle from All in God's Time. I consider each of these ladies to be such dear friends. They have encouraged me so much along the way and remained faithful and hopeful through their own struggles. I am in the company of some truly remarkable women!



Here are the rules for the award:

~Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.

~Copy the award and paste it to your blog.

~Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.

~Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.

Here are my 7 "interesting" things:

1. I grew up in a very small town in Southern Louisiana. I adore my home state and I enjoy every moment that we spend visiting there. The food, the people, the atmosphere – you just can't beat it. Let me tell you, right now the entire state is on Cloud 9 after the Saints have won the Super Bowl! This is the first year in my entire life that I’ve ever been interested in the big game, but I was absolutely thrilled with the outcome. Yay Saints!!

2. I would love to be able to speak fluent French. Having grown up in Louisiana, I took many years of French in grade school and high school, but I haven’t retained very much. All of my grandparents spoke/speak French, and my parents understand it but don’t speak very much of it. My great-grandparents all spoke it as their primary language. It’s a part of my heritage that I would be sad to lose.

3. This may disappoint my dear pet-loving friends, but I am totally grossed out by pet hair! I don’t like the thought of it in general, but especially not on my clothes or in my house or anyplace close to where I’m eating. I know it’s extreme, but I’m serious! Although we had a sweet little beagle as a outdoor pet when we were first married, we do not currently have any pets (hairless or otherwise).

4. At last count, there were about 100 different blogs in my feedreader. I probably add one or two new ones every month. The vast majority of them are infertility-related blogs, but there are a few other blogs about decorating, etc. that I like to stalk. I find it very satisfying to get my unread news all the way down to zero, although it doesn’t stay that way for very long! It is definitely a challenge to actively follow that many blogs but I enjoy it very much and have “met” some great people.

5. I am married to a wonderful man who is incredibly resourceful. My husband has a mind that never quits. He is very smart and can figure out how to do just about anything. He loves to know how things work and has become quite the do-it-yourself-er. He will absolutely find a way to carry out any idea or plan that he has, and I really admire him for that. If he can’t find what he’s looking for in a store, then he’ll just make his own version of whatever it is. This is a quality he inherited from his precious grandfather and I’m so thankful for that. It has made for a very interesting marriage!

6. I am an Elvis fan. I grew up listening to his music (my mom has always been a fan) and have always loved it. I have been to Graceland twice, once when I was little and again about 7 years ago, but I have never been inside the house. It’s something I’d really love to do someday.

7. My mom and family are getting ready to move this weekend from the house they’ve lived in since I was 11 years old. We will be heading over there to lend a hand (don’t worry, by “we” I mostly mean “my husband”), and I’m already thinking of a sentimental post or two to write about the whole thing. I’m very excited for them, and I have to say, I wasn’t expecting this mixed bag of emotions I’m feeling about it. There will be more to come on this later, I'm sure.


I'm very happy to pass this award on to the following beautiful bloggers:

Rebekah at Life After Levi

Kathryn at This 'n That From on the Mountain

Deni at Making our Troxclair Family

Jessica at Marking Adoption Journeys with Joy

Andrea at Life, Love, & Pursuit of our Fairytale

Rebecca at Something I'm Not

Becky at Day by Day

I hope you'll stop by and visit their blogs. You'll find some amazing women with different stories and from different walks of life, but each has earned the title of Beautiful Blogger in my book!

*I know that I have two other awards to get to, but I'll get to those in a later post, hopefully soon! Thanks, friends!

From My Heart To Yours

There is something I think I've been needing to address on this blog for a while now, even since before we found out about pregnancy #7. A comment from a friend on my last post reminded me that now may be the best time. (Thank you, Kathryn, for your comment and for your honesty.)

Here is the part of Kathryn's comment that I want to address:

I think you will understand, too, when i say i'm excited & hopeful for you. With every cell in me i deeply desire that this child continues to grow & bless your family. But i'm also struggling with the sadness that my husband & i will never have this. You know i love you & deeply hope & pray for your blessing, but i may be silent.

To Kathryn and to everyone else who may feel this way -- I get it. I really do. I know that it's a risk when you form relationships through blogging with other women who wish to have children. I know what it's like to feel that you are the last one standing, waiting for something that you fear will never come. It is hard, even though you care deeply for your friends and want to see them happy. Even though you've prayed your heart out for them to have their dream fulfilled, it still stings a bit when they move forward with that dream and you don't.

At this point in my life, having been married since I was 21 and now at the age of 33, my husband and I have seen all of our friends have children while we waited and hoped. We love our friends' kids, and we have shared in their joy over the years with each new baby. But still we were sad as each year our own babies didn't make it. Each time we thought it would be our turn and each time we were sorely disappointed. One of my fears when I started blogging (being totally honest here) was that again we'd meet a whole new crop of friends and have to stand on the sidelines while everyone else welcomed their miracles. And to tell you the truth, in the long run, it hasn't been as hard as I expected. That's because I've found that when I really let myself get invested, when I truly open my heart to care for other women who are hurting and struggling with infertility and loss, I can truly rejoice with them when they do succeed! After all of the hurt and loss that I've experienced, I find that I share in the excitement and the anxiety each time someone has a positive pregnancy test. I pull for those precious babies to make it, against all odds and statistics. My desire to see a baby live and grow is stronger than whatever sadness I may feel for myself. I finally learned that when someone else has a baby it doesn't lessen my own chances, and it's not a race to see who can get there first. I now see the value of not comparing my life to the lives of others. (Please note that these are things that I have learned for me personally, and not things that I'm suggesting that any of you should learn!)

And I know, sometimes you have days where it seems that everywhere you turn someone else is pregnant. I know that's not easy, especially if you've had to face the possibility of a future with no children. Sometimes it's hard when an infertility blog becomes strictly a pregnancy blog and, try as you might, you simply can't relate to anything anymore. You feel that your "Congratulations!" and "I'm so happy for you!" may begin to fall flat after a while, because even though you are being 100% genuine, it's really all you know to say. And it feels strange because you consider that person your friend, and of course you still do, but you simply don't feel like you fit in with the new Mommy Blog format and comments. I have been there before, and in most cases I've decided that the friendship is important enough to me to continue to follow and look for opportunities to show support when I can. New mothers definitely need support and prayers, too! Before long I notice that it's not that hard anymore, and I find myself learning about something I hope to do myself someday.

With that being said, I firmly believe that the attitude and demeanor of the blog writer is key. I look for and cling to those who are still going to be sensitive to bloggers like me. I appreciate those who refuse to forget what it felt like when they were where I am. Those bloggers make it easy to continue to follow them well into motherhood! The same is true for me in real life. There is nothing more off-putting than having a friend in real life who has been through infertility and loss, who stood beside you and walked through the valley with you, and then they forget all about you and your sad circumstances after they have children. You never hear from them and they avoid talking about "your problem" like the plague. It hurts. I can never understand how they can seem to forget what it was like, yet sometimes I realize that it must be pretty freeing to escape the jaws of infertility. Maybe they choose not to look back, and they just no longer see us trapped in this quicksand. But oh how I cherish my friends who won't let pregnancy and motherhood affect the bond that we have with one another. Sure, their lives are different and I do want to be involved with that new aspect, but they are still the same person with all the same things I loved about them in the first place. I love friends like that.

It seems that I had way more to say about this subject than I thought! Thanks for hanging in there for this long. I'm just now getting to it, but here is my main point: I feel with absolute certainty that I have a duty, a responsibility, and a ministry to people who have been through loss. My experience has changed my perspective and my outlook forever. After giving a decade of my life (involuntarily) to infertility and miscarriage, how could I simply forget where I've been and what I've lost?

What I truly want is to encourage others who have been hurt the way I've been hurt. Whether I beat this thing or not, whether this current pregnancy actually works for us or not, I'm not abandoning that ministry. I finally feel like I have a purpose in all of this: I don't want to miss an opportunity to tell someone that I understand the pain of miscarriage that they are feeling, that they are not alone, and that it's not their fault. I know what waiting feels like, and I know what being left behind feels like. I understand how you can at the same time be ecstatic for your pregnant friend and yet feel devastated for yourself.

I never want this blog to make anyone feel hopeless about their own situation. I hope that, if I beat infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, it might encourage others who didn't think they had a chance after six losses. I never started this blog to record every pregnancy symptom or month-by-month photos of a growing belly. I'm not criticizing those who do that, but I just know that this blog isn't the place for those things. I never want to cause extra pain to my sweet friends who are still waiting, and especially those for whom having a baby is no longer an option. That's why I don't share ultrasound photos, and that's why I won't post pictures of a pregnant belly or even a positive pregnancy test.

But what I will do is let you know our news, and I'll let you know whether I'm feeling hopeful, excited, uncertain, or terrified. And I'll keep praying for you and asking for your prayers as well. Please know that I understand if reading about a pregnancy is too much for you right now. I'd be sad to lose your comments and insights, but I completely understand if you can't find the words to say and don't wish to comment. Please know, though, that your comments are always welcome here, and I will make every effort to be sensitive to what you're going through.

And I'll make you this promise: I will never forget what it was like and where I've been. And I will never, ever stop praying for you.

Some Things I Want You To Know

**I've been away from the blog for a few weeks, after two consecutive rounds of company followed by a week of feeling a bit under the weather. Everything is fine, though. Thanks to those of you who checked on us or have been praying! We had great visits from family and a dear friend. And after a trip to the doctor today, I hope to be feeling better soon (I think I have a mild stomach bug).**

As so many of you who live with infertility and/or miscarriage know, sometimes there are very sad days. Of course, that is true about life in general and for people in lots and lots of different situations. I appreciate having this blog to vent some of those feelings that I have during particularly frustrating or sad days. I would even say that sometimes there are simply sad moments that come up during otherwise normal or pleasant days. I use this blog to write about those little moments or big moments, and I know that very often the subject and the tone of the posts you read here are sad.

But one of the things that I want you to know is this: I'm not always sad.

If you don't already know me in real life, I want to tell you that there is a much, much lighter side of me! I do have a lot of joy in my life and I'm grateful for so many blessings. Yes, this has been the hardest experience of my life. It has definitely changed me, in some ways good and in some ways not so good. It truly is a paradox sometimes. For the most part, my experience with recurrent miscarriage has made me far more cautious about opening up to people. It is really hard for me to let others in and share the really hard stuff. At the same time, I wear my heart on my sleeve much more now than I ever used to. Having a blog has helped me work out some of those feelings that are hard to describe when I am faced with questions in person. It's much easier to work it all out from the safety of my living room, moving words and sentences around and putting them in the right order before I officially put them out there.

When I made the decision to start a blog about infertility, I knew that it would most likely only show part of the whole picture, although I do try hard to present (above all) an honest picture of this daily struggle. My hope is that it is a true reflection of the ups and the downs. It sure is nice to have friends who care and understand when I am feeling down, and I'm always overwhelmed and touched by the response. Sometimes I wish that I wrote a blog not about infertility, but about something, anything, happier. But I realize that I probably never would have felt compelled to do this, to reach out like this, without an experience like this one. It's one of those strange "good things" that has come out of it I guess.

And something else I've discovered is this: Sometimes I need a kick in the pants. Okay, I've known this about myself for a while. I know that sometimes I freak out and I close up and go into hermit mode. I need some encouragement or a friendly nudge in the right direction.

A few weeks ago I confessed to you that I hadn't been to see my fertility specialist in well over a year. I was too afraid to make the call for an appointment. You see, in the years before I started this blog, we were very active and involved with doctors and labs and charting cycles and all of that stuff. I know that isn't a side of our experience that you've really seen here. It just so happened that by the time I started writing about it, we were already almost 7 years into trying to have a baby. At that time we had just started seeing a new doctor. We were hopeful about having our fertility struggles looked at with fresh and very capable eyes. Dr. G ordered several new tests and did surgery in January of 2008 to clean up some scar tissue and mild endometriosis that I had. He told us to try again for a pregnancy. We didn't usually have to try for very long. But this time it has been different. Many, many months have passed, but in a way it is like new territory for us. My husband and I have been through a lot together over the years, but we have never felt like we were taking a passive role in our fertility.

Most of this blog has been about waiting. I know that doesn't look very active sometimes, but it never felt like we had given up. Sometimes even waiting can be a very active process! Admittedly, though, I was in a rut. I had let fear take over. I knew that we weren't seeing any progress or any change and I wasn't okay with that anymore. But I was afraid to pick it all back up and pursue it again. After my last post, several of you (along with my family) have encouraged me to get over that fear, and more importantly, not to give up on my dream of having a baby.

Yesterday, I made the call. I almost talked myself out of it, especially after the receptionist told me that the next available appointment with Dr. G was in JANUARY. I paused, and she said she could transfer me to the nurse to see what we could work out. She transferred the call and I got the answering service. I left my long and rambling message and waited for them to call me back. When the call came I was beyond relieved to discover that it wasn't the nightmare nurse that I've dealt with so many times before. Instead, on the other end of the phone was a kind and helpful nurse who was incredibly patient with me and who listened to what I had to say. She wasn't the least bit condescending or rude. (Can you tell I've been burned before?) I explained that we'd been trying on our own -- as the doctor ordered -- for over a year and that we were ready to come in and have a talk about it. So, she set us up for October 21st. I took a deep breath, wiped a few tears, and hung up the phone. Then I called my mom, who had been gently nudging me as well.

Although I do feel relieved about finally having an appointment, I still don't know what will happen and I'm still nervous about moving forward. There are no guarantees, except that I'll go in that day with my dear husband by my side and we'll both be clinging to our Lord.

And this time, as a bonus, I know that I'll also have you in my corner, cheering me on. And I can't thank you enough.

True Words

This weekend I came across a great quote that I want to share with you. I'll keep this post brief because I don't want to detract from the quotation itself. I agree wholeheartedly with these words. I hope that in life we can all encounter far more of the second kind of people than the first:

"There are two kinds of people - you know them.
As you journey along on life's track -
The people who take your strength from you,
And others who put it all back." -- Ralph Spaulding Cushman

I'm grateful for those in my life who consistently put it all back!

Finding The Good Things

It was one year ago today that I wrote my first blog post. After debating with myself for a couple of weeks, I finally decided to give blogging a try. I'm sure that many of us can think of pros and cons that go along with it, especially if your main focus is on something that is a painful subject to think and write about. I'm glad to say that I can look back on the year with joy and gratitude. It has been a year of growth and change for me, and writing about it has been a true form of therapy.

The first post I wrote was called "Why Blog?" It was pretty brief, but I had so much more that I needed to say! I knew that day that even if no one ever read a word of it, I had made the right choice to put all of it down. It's interesting to look back on those first thoughts. It wasn't the beginning of my journey with infertility and miscarriage, but it was definitely a new chapter. Here is what I wrote in that first post:

I decided to start a blog mainly to have a place where I could just sit down and write about some of the feelings that accompany recurrent miscarriage. I thought that if I put it out there, maybe it could encourage someone else who might feel that they are alone. Infertility can be a very lonely battle, even for married couples who are in it together and people who have great families and friends. It’s hard to find others who feel the way you feel.The other reason I wanted to blog at this time is because I’m in the thick of it. I’m not looking back at a dark time in my life while standing on the other side. I’m in the valley now. Maybe you’re like me and you find it easier to hear someone who’s in the valley with you. I hope to someday be on the other side of this horrible problem. But I thought the time to write about it was now.The last thing I want to do is use this as a place to air all of my grievances and hurts! Sure, those may come out here and there, but what I want to do is try to create a well-balanced and honest picture of what we’ve been through. My aim is to not focus on all the bad stuff but to just be honest. Believe it or not, there are good things too! Sometimes they are hard to find but I’ve spent years trying to discover them and hold on to those good things.

A year ago I had no idea what the "good things" might turn out to be! I didn't know that I would get to know some incredible people who share so many of the same hurts. I certainly never imagined the strong bonds of friendship that have been formed over the past 12 months. Each and every person I have "met" through this blog has been one of those unexpected good things!

Last August I came across Beth's blog Walking the Journey. I read a post she had written called "I Know" and it touched my heart in such a real way. Soon after that, we began corresponding by e-mail and we continued to get to know each other through our blogs as well. Our relationship quickly developed into a close friendship, especially while my husband and I were away from home during a very stressful evacuation from Hurricane Ike last September. Beth's unwavering prayers and support during that time were invaluable. Over the past nine months (interesting, right?) we have begun to see how the Lord put us together at the right time, and we have been able to encourage one another during some very hard times. We could see that, although our paths were different, we were more or less on the same journey.

I've been away from blogging for a few weeks because my husband and I were on vacation all last week with my family. We had such a great time enjoying the beautiful Smoky Mountains in Tennessee and just being together! (More to come on our vacation soon.)

On Thursday of our vacation week, Chuck and I hopped in the car and drove a couple of hours east to meet up with Beth and her husband Kevin in person. What a blessing it was to hug her neck and visit in their living room! For me, it was like this whole blogging experience had come full circle. It was the second time I'd been able to meet a blog friend in real life (read about when I met Tammy HERE), and it just reassures me that none of this is accidental. I'm so fortunate to be able to develop what I know are lifelong friends. Even though this is a struggle, it is so good for my soul to know that amazing things can come out of it.

We had a great evening in downtown Asheville with Kevin and Beth. They treated us to an awesome dinner, but it was the company that made it so special. It was hard to leave after just a few hours together. Beth sent me away with a beautiful plant that now resides on my favorite desk in my living room. It was a great visit, and a great reminder that there are blessings to be found even in the midst of trials.

Stacey and Beth in Asheville, NC


Beth, your friendship is so precious to me! Thank you for welcoming us into your home and into your lives. We love you both.

(You can read Beth's post about our meeting HERE.)

On Mother's Day...

I didn't feel that incredible sense of sadness like I normally do.

I didn't think very much about how many years I have spent waiting for a child.

Something that weighs so heavily on my mind and heart almost every other day of the year did not upset me terribly on Mother's Day, of all days.

We were not able to spend the day with either of our moms this year. We had seen my in-laws recently, and they had other weekend travel plans. We'll see my mom next week during our vacation together. It was okay that we couldn't be together with them today.

What in the world did we do, then? Chuck and I stayed overnight at his sister's house to celebrate her birthday (which is tomorrow). We had a nice dinner out, stayed up late visiting, slept in, played games together, and did some shopping. We had fun! We were busy, and I really wasn't sad all day.

Amazingly, it was Mother's Day and I didn't cry...

Until we got home and I found a bouquet of flowers left at my front door by a beautiful friend from church. She had filled a little apple juice bottle with water and put the flowers in it so they would keep until we got home. It was adorable and so sweet. Okay, so I had to wipe away a few tears then.

After having been away from my computer all day, I then checked my email. There I found the sweetest notes of love and encouragement from two of my blog pals. One took a moment away from her own special day with her daughter to write a note to me. You see, she also knows loss. The other knows what it is like to yearn for a baby for years and years. She knows what this wait feels like. Despite their own struggles, these precious friends sent words that really spoke to my heart and reminded me that I, too, am a mother. I had to wipe away a few more tears.

There was another email from a dear friend of mine. I've known her since elementary school. She is a beautiful, single woman in her thirties, who understands how isolating a holiday like Mother's Day can be for me. Like she shared with me today, she is all too familiar with those feelings when Valentine's Day comes around. What a difficult day that is for so many singles who would love to be a couple. She reminded me that others can relate to what I feel, even when their situation is different.

I found yet another email from a friend I haven't seen in about 13 years. We worked as counselors at a summer camp together all those years ago. We recently got back in touch through Facebook, and she knows my general situation. She has beautiful children of her own. I'm so humbled that she would remember me. I was so touched that she would write, because she realized it might be a hard day. My tears continued.

Heaven only knows how many wonderful friends and relatives have remembered us today, and how many have mentioned our names in their prayers on Mother's Day. I know there are others who have shown their support in the days leading up to today. Another precious friend has been praying for me all week even while she is missing her mother so badly this time of year. I'm afraid of leaving someone out, but each gesture meant so much to me no matter how small it might have seemed to the giver.

I hadn't cried a single tear today until I was able to see how much people cared. I had to give in to a few tears, but they were the happy kind. I couldn't hold them in any longer!

Although I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about my own infertility and loss today, I did think about all of my special friends. I do know that Mother's Day is a hard day for a lot of people for many reasons. Many of you mourn your children or your mothers. Some of you grieve for the children you wish you could conceive. Some understand what it's like to wait for something you deeply desire (and what it's like to have a holiday that reminds you of it). And some simply care about the hurts of others around them and aren't afraid to reach out. Whether you are mothers or not, I'm grateful for the amazing women that you are!

If you thought of us or prayed for us today, I thank you. And I really didn't mind the tears.

Blue Friday

It's one of those days when I feel blue. My heart is heavy today as I think about all of those who live with infertility and loss.

I have been thinking about how people respond to the pain of others. What is it that drives us to reach out to someone who is hurting? Is it a shared experience that we may have had before, moving us to reach out and tell them that we've been there? What are some reasons why we don't reach out sometimes?

I think some reasons are:
1. Because we think we won't know what to say or how to help. We're scared to try, for fear that we might say the wrong thing. Maybe they are going through something we know nothing about or have never faced ourselves. We would rather stay silent than say the wrong thing.

2. Because we don't think we know them well enough to "intrude" on their grief. How well do I have to know someone to tell them I'm sorry for their pain? Can it be a friend of a friend, or a family friend's daughter? Will he or she think it's none of my business?

3. Because we're too busy as it is. We have enough problems to handle today. We may think, "How can I be there for someone else if I don't take care of myself? Besides, I'm sure she has friends and family who will be there for support. She probably doesn't need me."

4. Because we are too wrapped up in our daily lives to notice.

I hate to say it, but I have been guilty of all of these things at one time or another.

It is definitely true that going through infertility and recurrent miscarriage for many years has made me much more aware of and sensitive to the pain of others. This sensitivity carries over many times to those who are struggling with entirely different problems as well. Still there are times when I fear I will say the wrong thing, or I don't think I know the person well enough to reach out, or I'm too caught up in my own issues to even think about someone else. I know that we can't always be available, and this is not about feeling guilty about that. I simply want to do the best that I can.

When you are struggling, you need to know that someone cares and that someone is standing with you. Maybe that's why it is so hard to hear all of the questions, suggestions, and unwanted advice right then. You just want genuine support, love, and prayers. It doesn't take a lot of words or attempts to "fix it." Just care, plain and simple.

There's a girl that I kind of know in real life. I used to work with her mother. A few years ago she married a young man whose family are good friends with my in-laws. His mother played the Wedding March at my wedding. We are Face.book friends, even though I really don't know this young woman very well on a personal level. Last week she lost her baby. She was 6 months pregnant, and everything suddenly changed at a routine doctor visit. Some of the things that I listed above came into play in my mind: Should I reach out to her? Do I know her well enough? Will I say the right thing? I haven't been through the exact same experience. I know they have a very supportive family and church family. I don't want to intrude...

But then I remember that some of the sweetest blessings have come from people who have taken those risks with me. People whose lives have been touched by pregnancy loss have shared their own experiences. In some cases I've known them for years but never knew they'd lost a baby. Some sweet friends who have never experienced infertility have been kind enough to walk beside us even though it is hard, and even though it has been years and years. Some have been the parents of my friends, and some almost complete strangers to me (and thanks to this blog, so many "strangers" I now call dear friends).

I've been praying for this young couple, and I'm going to send a note to let them know that I care because I do, and I know how hearing that from a heart that is truly sincere can go a long way.