Last Year's Good Reads

One of the things I've enjoyed doing on this blog is posting my reading list at the beginning of the year. There are few things in life more satisfying to me than crossing things off of a list! I love searching for new (and old) great books to read and compiling a list of wonderful titles to keep me entertained throughout the year. I don't always get to every book on the list, but it keeps me motivated to just keep reading.

Last year I never got around to making that list. I still managed to read lots of books (during Lily's naps and after her bedtime), so I made a list of books after I finished them and now I'm sharing that list with you. I like to share it because I really enjoy talking about books with other readers and I love to know what you're reading too. So feel free to comment on any of these titles, and please let me know your favorite must-reads for the list I'm compiling for 2012!

As always, happy reading!

Books I Read in 2011:

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – J.K. Rowling (re-read)
2. Spoken From the Heart – Laura Bush
3. Possession – A.S. Byatt
4. Water for Elephants – Sara Gruen
5. What the Night Knows – Dean Koontz
6. The Distant Hours – Kate Morton
7. The Hunger Games – Suzanne Collins
8. Catching Fire – Suzanne Collins
9. Mockingjay – Suzanne Collins
10. The Help – Kathryn Stockett
11. When You Reach Me – Rebecca Stead
12. Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way – Shauna Niequist
13. The Heretic’s Daughter – Kathleen Kent
14. The Traitor’s Wife – Kathleen Kent
15. The Lost Summer of Louisa May Alcott – Kelly O'Connor McNees
16. Havah – Tosca Lee
17. Loving the Little Years – Rachel Jankovic and Nancy Wilson
18. On Agate Hill – Lee Smith
19. The Road – Cormac McCarthy
20. The History of Love – Nicole Krauss
21. Inheritance - Christopher Paolini
    

Eleven Months

Could it be true that eleven months have come and gone and next month we will have a big one-year-old?
Here's the rundown of all that's new at our house:

Eating: I think the biggest change in the food department this month is that Lily now loves her green veggies. I don't know when or how the change happened, but I'm grateful for it! She never cared much for them in puree form; I always had to mix the greens in with other veggies to trick her into eating them. These days when I put cooked carrots, peas, green beans, or even bread on her tray, she always goes for the green veggies first. I love watching her little fingers pick up sweet peas one by one and get them into her mouth. They are definitely her new favorite food.


In my last post I wrote about how Lily had been sick with a virus. Well, even before that she had been having some tummy problems for a couple of weeks that I thought might have to do with teething. The doctor suggested, however, that we try taking her off of dairy for a few weeks to see if that helped. We've been two weeks without dairy and switched formulas (which she hated at first... thankfully she's still getting breastmilk, too). I'm eager to see the doctor next month for her checkup so we can go over it all again and hopefully introduce cow's milk soon and see how that goes. My plan is to wean her in the coming weeks and I really think she'll do well. Although it'll be bittersweet in some ways, I think the time is right for both of us.


Sleeping: Again, there's not much new as far as sleeping goes this month. We've had a pretty good week despite some early wake-ups, but Lily has been getting better about soothing herself back to sleep at night when she wakes up (usually around 1 AM and 4:30 AM -- it's funny how predictable their sleep cycles become). We are still at two naps a day. She always seems very ready for both, although sometimes it takes her a while to settle down. I'm finding this to be truer the more active and mobile she becomes. Still, her preferred way to fall asleep is to be rocked... and most often by me.

Milestones: Lily cut another tooth just a couple of weeks after her first one. She now has both of the bottom front teeth. I always thought I'd miss her gummy smile -- and I do! -- but there is something very cute and sweet about seeing those two little teeth sticking out when she smiles now.


My big girl is not walking yet, but pulling up is a breeze now and she is just beginning to cruise a very tiny bit along the furniture. She'll take only a step or two sideways along the couch or from one piece of furniture to another while holding on. Occasionally she will let go and stand there unsupported for a few seconds before realizing what she's doing. I think it's doubtful that she will walk before her first birthday, but she's starting to learn little by little.

Lily's new word this month is "hi." It's not a simple "hi" though; she says it exactly the way that I say it to her, which is a high-pitched, multi-syllable "hiiiiiiiiieeeeee!" Of course, we think it's very, very cute. :)

This month Lily really enjoys simple rhymes and counting songs like 1, 2, Buckle My Shoe and This Old Man. Playing patty cake isn't new, but now she does the hand motions along with me (although she needs help rolling 'em up).

I'm not sure if I've written about how much she LOVES books. One of her favorite times of the day is between bath and bedtime when she has story time with Daddy. They sit together on the couch and read 5 or 6 of her favorites and she sits there so quietly, listening and looking. This has been our routine for 3 or 4 months now and it is precious to watch them share that daily time together. Of course I read to her here and there during the day as well and she always loves sitting down with a book. Some of her favorites are:
Brown Bear - Bill Martin Jr.
The Foot Book - Dr. Seuss
Go Dog, Go! - P.D. Eastman
Barnyard Dance - Sandra Boynton
The Very Hungry Caterpillar/The Very Busy Spider - Eric Carle
The Big Red Barn/Goodnight Moon - Margaret Wise Brown

It's almost September and we can't wait for (hopefully) cooler temperatures and Lily's big birthday month!

True or False

When you are trying to have a baby, there is no shortage of advice that people want to give you. What many think are helpful and wise suggestions become pretty routine to you when you have been facing infertility for several years. When I finally became pregnant and it looked like this baby was going to be here to stay, I realized that the advice doesn't quit! Ah, and it continues on and on well after your baby is born. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of good advice. Admitting that I need help or that I'm wrong about something has never been a weakness of mine. But I think we can all agree that sometimes unsolicited advice can be pretty annoying.

I'm going to address some of the advice we've gotten and predictions that turned out to be true and some that didn't, but the key words here are "for me." I don't mean for this post to be negative, but simply to show that not everything works out exactly the same way for every person. Something that works for me may very well not work for you, and vice versa. And I had never really understood just how true that was until I went through recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility. It's amazing how hard it is to find someone whose experience is exactly like yours. Sure, a lot are similar, but it's rare to find one exactly the same because everyone is coming from an entirely different place. We have different bodies, different problems, different doctors, and different outcomes. Then I came to understand how truly different and unique babies are. They may grow and develop over a similar timeline, but their personalities are certainly unique.

At the same time, I recognize that we can only speak from our own experiences. A lot can be said and learned from a good suggestion or word of mouth. At any rate, I'll keep this post light and try to share some of the good, the bad, and the silly when it comes to some of the advice and predictions I've heard over the past year or so.

1. You'll never read a book/watch TV/see a movie again once the baby comes. False.
Okay, I'm going to pretty much call this one "true" for me in the first month or so after the baby. It's hard to get into a schedule and figure things out in those first weeks. All you can think about is eating and sleeping (for the baby and for yourself), but after a little while you can begin to enjoy some of those things again. I used to hear this statement all the time. As far as reading goes, in my opinion if you love reading, you will find time to do it. Nursing has provided a great opportunity for me to continue to read (or to watch some TV shows on the DVR). It's at a slower pace, though, and these days I rarely choose it over sleep once I get in bed at night, but I have finished a few books in the past 6 months.
We have been to only one movie since September. Around my birthday in January, my sister-in-law came over to watch Lily for a few hours while my husband and I went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. It was our first (and remains our only) outing without the baby, but we prefer to spend most of our time all together, the three of us. There are some sacrifices that I knew would come which I consider totally worth the trade-off.

2. Your breastfed baby will never sleep through the night. False.
I heard this more than once when I was expecting Lily. I was planning to nurse, and although I didn't really encounter any opposition, some people seemed convinced that my baby was going to be too hungry to sleep unless we gave her formula at night or started cereal at 4 weeks (yes, 4 weeks!). While I know it's true that breastfed babies need to eat a bit more often, I think Lily is doing a great job with sleep. She started giving us 6-7 hour stretches at night months ago and now sleeps for 9-10 hours before waking up to eat.

3. Time will pass by more quickly than ever. True.
I've said before than when you're in the middle of IF/RPL, the days seem to drag on but the years go pretty quickly -- meaning that before you know it, you feel like you've lost nearly a decade of your life. Well, ever since my daughter was born, I truly don't know where the days, weeks, and months have gone. All of the people who told me that the months after the baby came would feel much faster than the months I spent pregnant were totally right. I feel like Lily's first year will be over before we know it. She will be 6 months old in just a few short weeks and that seems impossible.

4. The assumption that our problems with fertility are over now that we've had a baby. False.
The truth is that we are enjoying life as a family of three right now and trying not to spend too much time thinking about what might come next. We aren't guaranteed another pregnancy, and we know that is our reality. Even if we should get that chance in the future, our concerns will be much the same as they were last year. Of course I hope that Lily might have a sibling someday. It does give me some reassurance that it could happen again now that a baby has survived in my body, but my record is still not impressive. Still, I hold on to the same promise that nothing is impossible with God.

5. Your life will be totally different. True.
I think that when people told us that our lives would change drastically, some meant it in a positive way and some in a negative way. And I won't lie to you and tell you that I think waking up every single day and taking care of a baby is easy, but I'm finally doing what I always wanted to do. My love for this baby makes even the hard days worth it. After wishing for her for so many years, I certainly don't take this privilege for granted! My life IS totally different now, and for that, I'm thankful.

Always There

I don't know where the time has been going lately, but it's really flying. Summers always do seem that way I guess, but in the years we spent struggling through pregnancy loss, time always seemed to pass so slowly no matter what the season. The weeks and days (and especially the nights) would drag on, yet before I knew it I was facing another Christmas, New Year, and birthday with an empty womb and empty arms. Somehow the years piled up more quickly than I expected while we were slowly trudging through day by day.

Now, for the time being, I don't mind that time is marching on. One of my favorite things to do is turn the calendar to a new month and count the weeks until our due date in September. I'm so eager to have this baby here that I want the next few months to go quickly even though we're not "ready" in terms of having everything done.

But with all the joy and all the things we have to keep us steadily busy for the next 12 weeks, those years of infertility and loss are always there. They are in the past, hopefully once and for all, but they don't go away. The old familiar hurt is there when I hear of someone experiencing loss. I still feel funny (jealous?) when I hear a pregnancy announcement from someone very young, newly married, and totally oblivious that anything could possibly go wrong.

I still miss the babies I carried before Lily. They were here, they were loved, and they were celebrated before they were gone. And besides missing them, I don't think I could ever forget the huge, aching emptiness I felt inside. The future was so uncertain when it came to whether or not we'd ever get over this hurdle. Could I be okay if we never had children? Would I be destined to live with only the memory of six tiny babies that we never got to see or hold? Will we be able to adopt, and if so, where would the finances come from? How could we ever have a successful pregnancy after six failures? Would we ever beat the odds somehow?

So many questions. And while some of my questioning and wondering has been put to rest, the feelings of loss are always there. And yes, the fears are still around, too. I think they always are when you've had a history of loss. I still pray so hard for this child. I talk to her and tell her how much her Daddy and I love her, and how hard we tried to get her here. I tell her what a miracle she is already, and I pray God's protection over her life.

Because the reminders of what we've lost are everywhere. Lily will wear clothes and play with toys that were bought for her siblings years ago (although, trust me, she has plenty of brand new things that are just hers!). She will probably grow up wondering why we look at her with such awe, why we call her a miracle, and why we get choked up every time we thank God for her in our prayer time.

It's not that I need reminders to remember where we've been. I don't, but sometimes they come unexpectedly. I've been able to do a lot of reading in the past few weeks, and the last two books that I finished from my reading list (The Forgotten Garden and Sarah's Key) had some element of infertility or miscarriage in the plot. I had no idea when I added these works of fiction to my list at the beginning of the year that they had anything to do with that topic. One of the books was well over 500 pages long and the infertility element didn't appear until more than 400 pages in.

I don't necessarily mind when a book talks about infertility or miscarriage. Actually, I'm glad that people are beginning to see that it's a real and terrible issue that a lot of women face. I'm glad it's being talked about so much more than it used to, even if it is in a novel. But sometimes it catches me off guard. Sure, I use books as an escape from real life. I always have. That's what is so great about getting lost in a story! Sometimes it feels too familiar, though. Sometimes I'm not prepared. I wasn't expecting to have big, fat tears rolling down my cheeks because I can relate to the woman who feels like she's at the end of her rope because her body has betrayed her. She feels a familiar ache in her abdomen and fears the worst. She feels her hopes and dreams begin to crumble when she realizes that her pregnancy is over. She feels like a failure as a woman and a wife because she can't have a baby. She feels empty and desperate and alone.

I know those feelings because they are always there.

And I'm ready. Ready for my mourning to turn to dancing, and ready for my tears of grief to become tears of joy. But, rest assured, even when the time finally comes, I'll never forget.

New Book List

Last year I very much enjoyed having a book list to follow. It really kept me on task for the most part. I love the feeling of crossing things off of a list! (HERE is the link to last year's list.)

Below is my reading list for this year. This is just a list I've compiled of books, some old and some new, that I'm hoping to get to in the next 12 months. I'll put a button over in the sidebar if you're a reader too and want to look back at the list for any reason.

I would love to know what you're reading or planning to read, and whether you've read and liked any of the books on this list. Last year I read 25 of the 27 books on my list, so I'm carrying over the 2 that didn't get read. Also, these are in no particular order. I like to choose the next book based on what I feel like reading at the time. I won't be removing any books from the list, but I may add a few if there's time or if something interesting comes up.
Okay, here's the list:

2010 Book List:

1. Her Fearful Symmetry – Audrey Niffenegger (January)
2. Eats, Shoots & Leaves – Lynne Truss
3. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
4. Lord of the Flies – William Golding (April)
5. The Great Gilly Hopkins – Katherine Paterson (August)
6. Sarah’s Key – Tatiana De Rosnay (June)
7. Frenchman’s Creek – Daphne Du Maurier (April)
8. The House at Riverton – Kate Morton (February/March)
9. Frankenstein (Book 3): Dead and Alive – Dean Koontz
10. Breathless – Dean Koontz (January)
11. A Grief Observed – C.S. Lewis
12. The Last Battle – C.S. Lewis
13. The White Queen – Philippa Gregory
14. The Constant Princess – Philippa Gregory
15. Watership Down – Richard Adams
16. Dracula – Bram Stoker
17. Neverwhere – Neil Gaiman (July/August)
18. The Graveyard Book - Neil Gaiman (February)
19. This is Where I Leave You – Jonathan Tropper
20. When You Reach Me – Rebecca Stead
21. The Forgotten Garden – Kate Morton (May/June)
22. The Book Thief – Markus Zusak (September)
23. A Sweet & Bitter Providence - John Piper

From Last Year’s List:

24. The Mill on the Floss – George Eliot
25. The Scarlet Letter – Nathaniel Hawthorne

And as a bonus if I have time:

26. The Pilgrim’s Progress – John Bunyan

Castles in the Air

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

I'm the kind of person who likes to look before I leap, so to speak. I like to know what I'm getting into. I don't really like doing something if I haven't investigated it first and if I don't have a general idea how it's going to go.

Even in the case of something fairly small, like trying a new restaurant, I feel pretty overwhelmed if I don't know what to do ahead of time. If I know someone else has been to that restaurant before, I usually call them and ask very specific questions about the place. I want to know what the atmosphere is like so I'll be dressed appropriately, what kind of food will be served, and whether I'll have to order up front at the counter or at the table with a menu. For me, one of the most stressful situations in the world is being somewhere and not knowing what to do or what will happen next.

You can imagine how helpless this life with infertility makes me feel. Talk about not knowing what will happen! There are a lot of unexpected twists and turns, and there is an enormous amount of uncertainty. Will I get pregnant this month? Next month? If I do, what will happen next? Another miscarriage? How would I handle another loss? Will we have a baby a year from now? Five years from now? Never? Will we adopt? Unfortunately, I can't call anyone ahead of time and find out exactly what will happen step by step!

One of my biggest challenges is making plans, and letting go of them is even harder. I married my husband at a young age. Sure, we had ideas and plans about the future -- what we thought would happen and what we hoped would happen. I had dreams of building our family while I was young, and having my children in my twenties. I envisioned my children growing up with my sister's children. I imagined family portraits of all of my mom's grandchildren together, separated in age by only a few years. After we bought our first home, I pictured our children growing up under this roof and all the memories we would make here as a young family. But infertility has changed all of that.

Even now as I write those words, I know that in my heart I haven't let go of all of those plans just yet. Some of them have been put on hold for a long time while others have been put to rest. I still dream of watching my children grow up in our home, but I know that I'll never be a twenty-something-year-old mom. And I know that if we do have children someday, my sister's boys will be much older than their cousins.

I certainly realize that these may someday seem like small sacrifices in the grand scheme of things. We would be thrilled to become parents even under different circumstances than the ones we'd imagined. Adapting to changes and making new plans are simply a part of life. Still, it's hard letting go of them, my "castles in the air," even though I know that life rarely turns out exactly how anyone plans.

Several weeks ago I finished reading the classic Louisa May Alcott novel, Little Women. I absolutely loved every second of it. It was my first time reading the book, although the movie has long been one of my favorites. In one of the many memorable scenes early in the book, the March sisters and their dear friend and neighbor Laurie spend an afternoon daydreaming about the future. In the chapter titled "Castles in the Air," the characters (who are teenagers at the time) reveal their loftiest lifelong dreams. Each one has a plan for where they'd like to be in the future. Besides Beth, who is humble and meek and wise beyond her years, everyone dreams of being rich and famous: Laurie a famous musician, Meg the mistress of a luxurious home, Jo a successful writer, and Amy a world-renowned artist.

"'Wouldn't it be fun if all the castles in the air which we make could come true, and we could live in them?' said Jo, after a little pause."

The great thing about being the reader is that we get to see exactly what the future holds in just a few hundred pages. Even in the book, no one's life goes exactly according to his or her plan, although some get closer than others.

I don't think that it's a bad idea to have big dreams, goals, and plans. And I don't think it's bad at all to pursue them and to hope that they'll come true. But I do think it's important to not get carried away with our "castles." Many times I feel totally crushed by the weight of all of the unknowns in my future. I've felt like I'm just spinning my wheels, staying in one place while others move forward. Sometimes it's overwhelming to think that people around me are seeing their plans and dreams fulfilled with each passing year. Sometimes I begin to panic. I get so focused on the big picture that I forget to enjoy what is happening around me today.

When I let myself, I realize that there are little detours along the way that I don't want to miss. Sometimes when we have to wait a very long time or accept a change of plans, we might just get to do things we never thought we'd ever be able to do. And we might find ourselves very thankful for that.

I'm planning to keep my castles in the air. But I reserve the right to rebuild them as I go, because sometimes God may have other plans.

What's Going On

Occasionally when it gets a little heavy in here, I like to do a post about some everyday things that don't have much (or anything) to do with infertility. My goal over the past few weeks has been to try to focus on some activities and hobbies that I've been neglecting lately. Unfortunately, that means less time spent blogging and reading blogs, but I've tried not to get too far behind.

Three main areas that have been keeping me busy for the past few weeks are reading, scrapbooking, and home improvements.

I'm still sticking to the reading list that I made at the beginning of the year. It has been fun yet challenging, but it has mostly kept me reading steadily each month. (I like to cross things off of a list!) The list has six books remaining that I want to read before the end of December. If you'd like to check out what I'm reading, there is a button right over there in the sidebar. Just last night I finished reading The Year of Living Biblically, which I found very entertaining. I'm currently in the middle of reading Crazy Love, and I think I'm about to start reading Little Women.

Scrapbooking has been my favorite hobby for almost a decade now. Each year I try to do a chronological album for that year, and I have several other themed albums apart from that (like for our wedding and special vacations). Truthfully, blogging has been detrimental to my scrapbooking! Since I started writing and reading blogs I've gotten very little done and am suddenly 2 years behind. Last week I eased back into it and was able to get 4 pages done. It was a slow start, but this week I picked up steam and completed 12 pages in 2 days! I'm still working on the 2007 album, but it feels great to make some progress.

Our current home improvement goal is to install crown molding in the 3 bedrooms. We've had the crown in our garage for at least 6 months now, waiting patiently for us to find the time to get to it. Last weekend we tackled one of the guest rooms. That room was once a nursery for our home's previous owners. Although I planned to use it as a nursery as well, I hated the way it was decorated. I remember when we moved in it was quite a chore removing the wallpaper border, repainting the room, and repainting the trim (the walls used to be a light aqua color and the trim was yellow). Of course, we owe the transition from carpet to laminate wood floors to the Great Dishwasher Leak of '08.

Anyway, back to the crown. Chuck and I worked together last weekend to get that room done. It always amazes me that he can learn to do just about any project around the house. My version of helping involved a lot of standing around and holding stuff, but we got it done and are really happy with how it looks. (The rug is a recent purchase that I absolutely love. Don't look too closely or you'll see my hubby's guitar case and amp peeking out from under the bed.)


Just a quick word about miscarriage here -- when we bought this house we were expecting our first baby. I miscarried in between the time that we closed on the house and actually moved in. For quite a while after that loss and a few others, this room remained mostly empty until we finally made the decision to put a bed in there and use it as a guest room. My nephews now call it their room. They sleep here when they stay with us, their toys are in the closet, and their pictures hang on the walls. It does make me happy that the room gets used by them and other guests. Hopefully we will get the crown molding up in the other guest room (which doubles as my scrapbooking space) and our master bedroom before the end of the year!

We are getting ready to leave town to visit my in-laws for Labor Day weekend. We have not been able to make that trip in way too long. It is a 6-hour drive, but Chuck will get off at noon on Friday and we will have the extra day on Monday. They've been having great weather there in North Louisiana and we have been so jealous! The cooler temperatures haven't quite made it all the way down to us yet. We have still been in the 90s every day and we can't wait for fall (neither can our electric bill!). Autumn is my favorite time of year.

There's a long and rambling recap of what's been going on here. How about you? What are you reading? Do you scrapbook? How do you use the room that you wish was a nursery? What's under the bed in your guest room?

Happy Endings

I love a good story. For me, there's almost nothing better than getting lost for a few hours in a great book or a great movie.

I'm not sure how many people will agree with me here, but I don't even need a fairy-tale happy ending. My sister, for example, wants that happy ending every time! She wants to know before she commits to the story that all will be well in the end. As long as the story is engaging and is at least mostly resolved by the end, I'm good with that. Although I always root for the characters and hope that their story will end well, I would much prefer an ending that feels realistic. Now, if there were a happy ending that also felt real, what could be better?

Honestly, I can't remember if I've always felt this way or if I've arrived here as a result of circumstances in life. Oh, it's certainly true that I've always had very realistic expectations. One look at my senior memory book from my last year of high school will tell you that. While most of my peers were recording their hopes and dreams for rich spouses, tropical vacation homes, and fancy cars, I was hoping for a much simpler and far more attainable future. I wanted to go to college (which, in itself, was a pretty lofty goal coming from a poor family), fall in love, get married, have children, and live a happy and peaceful life with my family. I really never hoped for much beyond that, and certainly not for anything fancy.

Some may see this as the difference between an optimist and a pessimist, but I don't. I'm somewhere in the middle. I always hope for the best, but I never celebrate until I have actually reached it. And that way, if I don't get there, maybe I won't have to fall quite so hard.

My favorite kinds of stories are the ones where you get to take a peek into the characters' lives. You get to see how they live and what challenges they face on any given day. There will most likely be some big event or action scene that you definitely want to see resolved. Hopefully by the end of the tale, you've seen them overcome something and come out on the other side better than when you found them. Sometimes this may not mean that the sick person got better, or that the infertile person had babies. I guess what I look for in a good story is more of an internal change, rather than one where a person got everything they ever wanted and now they can live happily ever after.

A few weeks ago I finished a book in which one of the main characters was barren. I didn't know this when I started the book, but it was communicated several times throughout that she could not ever have children. Besides that, this character had a very hard life and many obstacles to overcome. Page after page and chapter after chapter, I pulled for her and hoped to see her find happiness! It was a great story, and by the time I got to the last chapter, I cried tears of joy that she was going to be okay.

Then came the epilogue.

In the three or four extra pages tacked onto the end of the story, the author gave the reader a glimpse into the future. The woman had children. We are never told how or when, or what in the world had transpired. Although I know that this is a work of fiction and I felt some happiness for the character, I couldn't help but think that I would have been just as satisfied with the book had it simply ended, leaving the future to my imagination.

More often than not, I watch movies and read books that have a very nice, fulfilling ending. Then, during the closing credits or the epilogue, we get that look into the future that usually feels too forced for me. It feels unreal, almost too good to be true. We don't know what the characters went through to get those twins that they're holding in their arms. We don't get to see how they got from point A to point B. We must just accept that they did, that all of their dreams were achieved, and that they will be happy forever. I always have a hard time accepting this ending (in a story, I mean). I think it takes away from my own ability to imagine them happy whether they got all they ever wanted or not. Maybe I should start skipping end credits and epilogues!

I'm not saying that "happily ever after" never happens. Deep down inside, I know I hope for that. I want my happy ending to include having children, and I want that particular happy ending for all of my friends who struggle with infertility. But I want to believe that there can be lots of really great stories without reaching the goal, stories of people who find happiness and fulfillment, who show amazing strength and grace in the face of hardship, even if they don't get exactly what they'd hoped for. Can I be happy with that kind of ending in real life, like I am in a story?

How do you feel about happy endings, whether realistic or not?

In Other News

It's time for a little break from writing about infertility. I've been in a funk for the past couple of weeks. It is a combination of things, really, the main one being the return of my old friend Insomnia. The time change this weekend only made my problem worse. I was so exhausted on Sunday that I came home from church and slept on the couch for over 2 hours! (I know what you're thinking and no, definitely not pregnant.) Naps are not usually my thing. Don't get me wrong, I think naps are great. It's just that indulging in a nap usually means it will be that much more impossible for me to fall asleep at night.

The only good thing about being unable to sleep is that it gives me lots more time to read books. I'm making great progress on my reading list, recently finishing Life of Pi and The Little Prince. Right now I am more than halfway through The Secret Garden and I'm enjoying that little escape.

Chuck spent the weekend trying to identify a problem with our washing machine. We have had the worst luck with appliances lately! I'd been noticing a musty smell in the laundry room (I've learned to trust my nose!), and then a little puddle appeared one day after I washed some clothes. Fortunately, my husband is very handy around the house and he thinks he has it figured out, but of course we have to wait on a part to be delivered hopefully this week. I'm still using the washer (after he put it back together) and we'll tackle it again next weekend. Isn't it true that when it rains, it pours? We've been on quite an adventure as homeowners lately.

We spent the rest of the weekend with some great entertainment at home. We finished watching the John Adams miniseries on DVD, which was very good. If you haven't seen it yet, I hope you'll check it out. Ever since our trip to Washington, D.C. the summer before last, we've been very interested in learning more about American history. In 2007 Chuck and I went to D.C. because he had a work conference to attend. The trip was extra special because we were able to invite my mom and my brother to go along with us. It was the very first visit there for the three of us (Chuck had been in junior high on a school trip) and we had an amazing time visiting our nation's capital. My mom has always been incredibly patriotic, so experiencing D.C. with her was unique and special. Also, she and my brother have done very little traveling over the years. Some months after we returned home she caught the John Adams series on TV, and later I bought her the book and my sis bought her the DVDs, which Chuck and I just finished watching this weekend. (And now we've come full-circle!) It's exciting to see my mom's continued passion for learning about history after that trip we took. She just soaks it up like a sponge!


One of our Net.flix movies from the weekend was The Kite Runner. I have to tell you that we both absolutely loved this movie. I'm a little mad at myself for not reading the book first, but the movie did not disappoint. Chuck and I watched it last night and by the end we were both in tears. (Sorry honey, but you know I'd rather be married to someone who would be moved by this film than someone who wouldn't!) If you haven't seen the movie, I'd recommend it. Like I said, I haven't read the book but now I want to! I have no doubt that it would be a great read.


I am more than ready for Spring to arrive. Here in Texas we've had some summery days already, with a little taste of Spring here and there. We're getting a "cold front" (I'm sure that's a relative term) later this week, which I'm guessing might be the last one of the season for us. I'm ready to get the yard and flower beds looking pretty again!


That's life for us here in our corner of the world. How did you spend your weekend?

More Books

Today I spent a couple of hours at a bookstore with a friend. I have been buying so many books lately and I'm so excited about reading them! I was pretty good today - I went in with a list of 4 books and only bought what was on my list. (I was impressed.) I want to share the updated list here on the blog and keep up with the progress. I've put a line through the ones I've finished and noted the month next to the ones I've read. (Can you tell I like organization?) After finally finishing the Paolini book, which took several weeks (it is long but I also had a lot going on last month), I've been making much faster progress. I'm not following the list in any particular order. Right now I'm reading Sundays at Tiffany's by James Patterson.

On the updated list I'm leaving off the recommended books this time. I'll add them back if I get to them this year. Nothing else has been removed from the original but you'll find my new purchases added. Also I'm combining the list into one, rather than having the young adult books shown separately. There's a new link on the right hand side of my blog where you can access this list anytime. (Click the button over on the right or click HERE to see the updated list.) Let me know if you've enjoyed any of these books! I hope you'll make time for some good reads this year. I realize that if you don't like to read, this post is probably pretty boring to you!

One more thing: Today at the bookstore I came across the most precious children's book. Let me give you the synopsis. There's a duck who is sad because all of his friends have eggs of their own. (Sound familiar so far?) He finds his own egg - a big, speckled one that his friends laugh at, but the duck loves his unique egg. Eventually all of the friends' eggs hatch but the duck waits and waits and waits. (Again, familiar?) Finally the duck's egg hatches and it contains a baby alligator that proceeds to snap at the rude friends. I LOVE IT!! ☺ The illustrations are beautiful in this book too. It's called The Odd Egg. Check it out HERE. I didn't buy it today but now I wish I had! I think I'll be adding it to my wish list.

Updated Book List

2009 Book List:

1. Brisingr – Christopher Paolini (January)
2. The Scarlet Letter – Nathaniel Hawthorne
3. The Year of Living Biblically – A.J. Jacobs (September)
4. Middlemarch – George Eliot (June)
5. The Mill on the Floss – George Eliot
6. Little Women – Louisa May Alcott (October)
7. Your Heart Belongs to Me – Dean Koontz (February)
8. An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination – Elizabeth McCracken (June)
9. Crazy Love – Francis Chan (September-December)
10. The River Wife – Jonis Agee (April)
11. Sundays at Tiffany’s – James Patterson (February)
12. The Alchemist – Paulo Coelho (August)
13. Redeeming Love - Francine Rivers (August)
14. The Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger (August)
15. Life of Pi – Yann Martel (February)
16. The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane – Kate Dicamillo (April)
17. Coraline – Neil Gaiman (February)
18. Stardust – Neil Gaiman (December)
19. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader – C.S. Lewis (November)
20. The Silver Chair - C.S. Lewis (December)
21. Bridge to Terabithia – Katherine Paterson (August)
22. Jacob Have I Loved – Katherine Paterson (May)
23. Criss Cross – Lynne Rae Perkins (February)
24. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery (March)
25. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett (March)
26. Relentless - Dean Koontz (July)
27. Silent Sorority - Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos (December)

In Other News

The last two posts have been particularly emotional for me to write. I thought today we could have a break from the heavy stuff and only talk about some lighter things, shall we? I need to update you on a couple of random things anyway, so this will be a catch-all kind of a post.


First, if you've been reading for a while then you know that my kitchen is being remodeled. I am so happy to report that this week we had the tile backsplash installed and grouted. The grout just got done today, so it isn't even dry yet. We still need the cabinet guys to come out one more time to install the one unit that was the wrong size and complete all of the trim. We are finally getting closer and I couldn't be more ready. I'm hoping that we will be moving in appliances as early as next week! We actually can't wait to get in there and cook some meals again. I promise to post some before and after pics once the whole thing is done.


I've been slowly working on my reading list for the year. I wish I already had a few crossed off of the list, but having Brisingr as my first book has slowed me down. My brother loves the Eragon series. I borrow his when he is done with them and he has been dying for me to finish this one. Normally it wouldn't take me a very long time to read a book (even one that has 748 pages like this one does). I'm about half way through it right now and not moving very quickly. I think that's mostly due to the amount of time I've spent blogging lately. As with any hobbies, spending a lot of time on one takes time away from the others! I'm very sad that I haven't worked on my scrapbooks for months. Unfortunately, my workspace is currently crammed with all of the stuff that belongs in our kitchen cabinets. I'm telling you, I can't wait to get that project finished!


Lately I'm excited about having my DVR filled with the return of some of my favorite TV shows. I haven't yet watched the premiere of 24 but I'm eager to get to it. (Emily, I've been avoiding your blog after I saw the title of your last post! Hope I can get caught up soon.) I did start watching American Idol auditions last night, with a mixture of curiosity and embarrassment as always. Pretty soon it will be time for a new season of Lost as well. Oh boy!


Finally, remember the post about my January Girl figurine? I'd found December and August on the internet and they were delivered this week. Aren't they cute all together?

I'm not a huge collector of nicknacks, in fact the only other collections I have besides DVDs and books are postcards, which I keep filed away in albums. I don't like having a lot of miscellaneous stuff around to dust, and besides, my shelves are already full of photographs. Searching for the other figurines in this set, though, has become a fun little challenge for me. I hope I'll be able to find the other nine someday.

Ok, one last thing. Shoot, I wasn't going to mention infertility this time but it always seems to come up these days. Oh well. After Christmas, Chuck and I were talking about saving up our money to buy the camera he's been talking about for years. We had a pretty nice start with some Christmas money we'd received and we were ready to start putting some more into savings for the camera. I swear this never happens to us, but last week he decided to check in our hiding place where we keep important documents and such things and occasionally some extra cash. Much to his surprise, he discovered that we had more cash in there than we realized! Holy cow, it was just enough to cover the new camera! What's that got to do with IF? Well, some of that money I remember us putting away two Christmases ago (when we were pregnant) for a baby bed. You know, I'm not giving up hope on a pregnancy ever happening, but we both just felt good about taking that money out and using it on something we can enjoy today! The UPS guy just delivered the new camera a few hours ago and I know Chuck can't wait to get home from work and play with it. He loves taking pics and I love to scrapbook them, so we are both thrilled with the new purchase. We'll be trying it out this weekend when we go to Louisiana for our nephew's birthday party.

So, how about you? What are your hobbies? Are you reading a good book right now? Do you have any unique collections? What are you watching on TV these days? Let's chat.

New Books for a New Year

One of my resolutions (or goals, if you prefer) for the new year was to keep a log of the books I read in 2009. As 2008 drew to a close I had several books stacking up on the nightstand that I wanted to eventually get to. Then I received some more books from my wish list as Christmas gifts. I've compiled a list of those books, along with a few that I'd still like to purchase and a couple that I started last year and didn't finish. I don't normally start books and not finish them, but I guess a couple of hurricanes and a kitchen remodel are enough to disrupt anybody's schedule! It was a crazy year, my friends.

I like a variety of books, but I mostly read fiction. I also enjoy children's books and books geared toward younger readers. Recently I came across a quote by C.S. Lewis that described how I feel about children's books. He wrote, "It certainly is my opinion that a book worth reading only in childhood is not worth reading even then." I agree - a good book is a good book at any age!

Ok, here's the list I'm working on now. I may add a few but I'm not planning on removing any.

2009 Reading List:

1. Brisingr – Christopher Paolini (currently reading)
2. The Scarlet Letter – Nathaniel Hawthorne (begun in 2008)
3. The Year of Living Biblically – A.J. Jacobs (begun in 2008)
4. Middlemarch – George Eliot
5. The Mill on the Floss – George Eliot
6. Little Women – Louisa May Alcott
7. Your Heart Belongs to Me – Dean Koontz
8. An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination – Elizabeth McCracken
9. Crazy Love – Francis Chan

Young Reader Books:

1. The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane – Kate Dicamillo
2. Coraline – Neil Gaiman (Thanks, Andrea for the review on your blog. It made me want to read this one and Stardust!)
3. Stardust – Neil Gaiman
4. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader – C.S. Lewis
5. Bridge to Terabithia – Katherine Paterson
6. Jacob Have I Loved – Katherine Paterson

After posting this list on my Facebook page and asking for recommendations, these are the books that some of my friends like that I'm considering reading this year as well:

1. Blue Like Jazz - Donald Miller
2. The Pillars of the Earth - Ken Follett
3. Gilead - Marilynne Robinson
4. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil - John Berendt

There were a couple of other books recommended but I don't want the list to be too overwhelming at first! These are the ones I thought I would enjoy most if I get everything else read.

Another general rule I have is to read the book before watching the movie based on the book. This list includes a few books whose movies I've already seen (in most cases I didn't realize it was based on a book). Also, the list contains books I've never read before, with one exception. I read Jacob Have I Loved back in junior high. I don't remember much about it, so I recently bought an inexpensive paperback copy and it made the list.

I thought it might be a good idea to post my reading list on my blog to find some other readers out there! I'd love to hear what you are reading, and please let me know which of these books you especially liked or didn't like. Also, go check out my pal Andrea's book blog for some great book reviews and suggestions.

Ah, I just love books! Happy reading!

Christmas, New Year, and Resolutions

What a stressful time it has been at my house! We just returned home last night and I'm not sure I realized just how depressing it would be coming home to a house whose kitchen is being remodeled. I'm very grateful for progress but boy is it getting difficult. I have no idea when we'll even be able to take down the Christmas decorations - the house is in chaos and this not typical of my home! Thankfully the new countertops and sink were installed while we were away. Chuck is playing plumber right now (at midnight) and hooking up the new faucet. It's coming along, however slowly.


We had a nice Christmas holiday but we are terribly road weary. We did lots of going as we usually do. We spent three nights in Chuck's hometown at my in-laws and we also visited three sets of good friends. It's so nice being with good friends, isn't it? You know the kind I mean - those you just pick right up with even if you haven't been able to visit for a while. I'm so thankful for friends like these! Next we traveled south to have Christmas at my mom's. We had our festivities on Saturday, then we got up early and traveled east a couple of hours to visit Chuck's grandparents in yet another part of Louisiana. It's sad to realize how much things have changed in just a year. Last year we were visiting Granny and Pop in their home, but this year we spent time with them at the nursing home where Pop must live after his stroke. It was great to see them and they are two people I admire most in all the world. We had lunch at my grandmother's house with my cousin and half sister also stopping by. Grandma cooked okra gumbo! Even at 91 she still has amazing skills in the kitchen. We went by my dad's house for about an hour and then made our way back to my sister's quite exhausted.


We stayed five nights at my sister's house, not returning home until New Year's Day. It was so nice to enjoy our nephews while school was out! Here's a pic of me enjoying my new computer (and reading your blogs!) while snuggling with my older nephew. We both love to read, and he finished all 240 pages of that Peter Pan book in one night! Pretty impressive for an almost-8-year-old, I think! (And yes, it does make me very sad that his feet are almost as big as mine. He's growing up too fast.)

We spent lots of family time all together, playing games and doing silly things. My younger nephew got a karaoke machine for Christmas and I had a great time singing with my mom and sis! (If you know me in real life you probably know that I would NEVER sing karaoke with any crowd other than my immediate family!) It was a blast. We also spent New Year's Eve just down the road from Mom's at an old family friend's house. They have a bonfire and fireworks show every year, so it was fun hanging out there. I can't tell you how sad it was to return home after all of that time with family and friends, especially with so much work to be done here. (Sigh)


I've been thinking about resolutions for the new year. It's nothing really spectacular or exciting, just a few simple goals I've decided to work on:

1. I hesitate to classify this as a New Year's resolution for fear of setting myself up for failure, but I really would like to settle into a regular fitness routine. I could certainly stand to lose a few pounds, eat healthier, and get into shape.


2. Next, I'd like to work harder on not getting so stressed out by schedules and circumstances. I'm getting better about saying no to people, but I have a tendency to fill up the calendar weeks and months in advance and before I know it I'm all tied up in knots because it gets to be too much. I want to really limit that this year.


3. I want to have more consistency and organization when it comes to daily devotionals and prayer time. This one is so important to me, and I tend to let it slip (usually as a result of too much activity as mentioned in #2).


4. This year I hope to get caught up on my scrapbooks. I'm almost 2 years behind already (I do a chronological album for each year) and I have several other mini-album ideas that I hope to work on as well.


5. Finally, this is just a little something but I've decided to keep a log of the books I have read and want to read in 2009. I wish I'd been doing this for years because I absolutely love to read. I'd love to hear any good recommendations! I've got a stack of books that I'm already dying to tackle this year.

These are my goals for the year. What about you? Do you make resolutions? Do you worry about not meeting your goals?

Oh, and one last thing. Definitely one of the highlights of my year in 2008 was starting this blog. It's been a pleasure to get to know so many of you out there! Because of you 2008 will hold a special place in my heart. Happy New Year, friends. I'm hoping for a year of miracles!

Lagniappe

If you're from Louisiana or other parts of the southern United States, you most likely know what the word lagniappe (pronounced lan-yap) means. Essentially, we use it to mean a little something extra, or an unexpected gift. It's the best way to describe my time at home last week. After Thanksgiving I spent the whole week in SW Louisiana at my mom's house. The week was full of "little extras."

The first order of business was to get Mom's Christmas tree up. My sister and I bought a little tree on sale last year, knowing that Mom would want something that wouldn't take up much space. Sis and I got the tree up and decorated in no time. It was so much fun looking through all of the homemade ornaments she has kept from when we were little. Mom was feeling uncharacteristically festive after that, so she had Chuck decorate the front porch with lights! We're pretty sure it's the first time she's ever had outside lights. It looked so cute.


I spent a couple of days helping Mom get some things organized. She won't be happy that I'm telling you this, but she has a "junk room." We got it all nice and organized for her a few years ago but there's a part of the room where things tend to pile up. Let's face it, who doesn't have a place (or two) in their house like that? Anyway, I helped her straighten it up and then I worked on some other projects she had, like putting loose photos in albums and getting her Christmas cards addressed. We were feeling so productive!


You may remember that I had planned to go to the movies and get some reading done while I was away. I started reading The Host by Stephenie Meyer, but I limited my reading so it wouldn't interfere with family time. I'm only about 150 pages into the book.

We actually took in two movies last week. I finally saw Twilight! My family was so excited to see it, but we felt like it didn't live up to the books. I didn't feel like it was a total flop but I found some of the dialogue to be cheesy. I've heard that watching it a second time (after the hype has worn off) is much better. Later in the week I went with my mom, sister, and brother to see Australia, which I thought was great. It's a long movie but you really don't notice so much. The plot, history, scenery, and acting were all good. (Hugh Jackman=great!)


If I had to sum up the whole week in a word besides family I'd have to pick food! Oh boy, you just can't beat good ol' Louisiana food. I love Cajun cooking and I love rice and gravy! I think I had rice at least 5 days while I was there. We ate a lot of rice when I was growing up and it's still a favorite of mine. Mom cooked chicken and okra gumbo, which is one of my most favorite things to eat in the world!


Now, usually when I go home for a visit it's on the weekend. I've been hearing my mom and sister talk about the plate lunches at a little diner in Mom's neighboring town for months and months and I couldn't wait to try it for myself. I took advantage of being there during the week and Mom and I picked up lunch from there 3 days in a row! It was unbelievable. My favorite was the round steak, rice and gravy, mashed potatoes, and green beans.

Ok, one more thing about food. (Is anybody else hungry?) Please promise me that if you ever find yourself passing through Louisiana along Interstate 10, that you'll stop and eat at Steamboat Bill's in Lake Charles. I absolutely love to eat there. The best thing on the menu in my opinion is the crawfish etouffee. I rarely order that in any restaurant because it's just never as good as my dad's, but Steamboat Bill's has the right stuff. I love to get a crawfish pistolette as an appetizer (a pistolette is a fried roll - they stuff it with etouffee and it is divine). During this trip I was in the mood for fried shrimp, but I had no regrets because I ordered a cup of crawfish etouffee on the side! My mom and sis seem to think that the shrimp etouffee is even better. I snapped a pic of sis's bowl to show you how scrumptious it looks. Man, is my stomach growling now.


At the end of the week we made a trip over to Mom's hometown to visit my grandmother. My grandma is a pretty unpleasant lady, but her sister is one of the sweetest people on the planet (you can see a pic of her on an older post here). We had a good visit with them, and I kept them talking about what it was like when they were little. I absolutely love hearing old family stories.

Another special thing about the week was celebrating my nephew's 6th birthday. He wanted a Scooby Doo party this year. Isn't it funny that kids still like Scooby Doo? We always have a party for him at Thanksgiving (and this year was no different) but I never get to see him for his actual birthday of December 3rd. We met up with them for dinner at a restaurant after school and it was great to be able to share his big day with him. It's hard to believe that it's been six years ago that I watched him come into the world.

It was great to be away but it's great to come back to my husband and my home (AND my computer! I missed all of you!). I'm sure my brother is glad to have his bed back too, after bunking on the sofa bed all week.

This has been long and rambling, but I just love Louisiana and I love all the lagniappe that goes along with going "home."

In Other News

Tomorrow we are leaving to spend time with our families for Thanksgiving. We will go see my in-laws first and then head to my sister's house. We love that we get to see both sides of the family for the holidays! Yes, it will be a good chunk of time in the car but we've got our favorite Christmas music ready to go. I have decided to stay all next week at my mom's house to spend time with her. It has been a long time since I've been able to do that and I'm looking forward to it. I joked with her that it will be like returning to the Stone Age - she doesn't own a computer, and I can't get a cell phone signal at her house!

As much as I will miss reading all of your blogs for the next week and a half, it will be kind of nice to spend some quiet time in the country. I have packed several books that have been on the nightstand waiting to be read. I plan on at least starting Brisingr by Christopher Paolini (book 3 in the Eragon or Inheritance series) and/or The Host by Twilight author Stephenie Meyer. Speaking of Twilight, I'm finally going to see the movie this weekend! I haven't gone yet because my mom, sister, brother and I had agreed to wait and see it together. After hearing a few mixed reviews from friends, I can't wait to go check it out for myself.

I will be eager to catch up with all of you when I get home. Please know you will all be in my prayers next week. I plan on keeping a prayer journal just for you while I'm away. I'm thankful for you guys!

One final note: please pray for my husband's grandmother and the whole family. She is not doing well at all and we fear it may be a very hard time this weekend. Your prayers would mean so much to us!

Comfort In The Past

I love old things. I'm fascinated by antiques and old photos but mostly I love the stories that go with them. My house isn't full of antiques. I do, however, have a few items that I consider priceless. One is a tea set that is pretty unique. It isn't the usual white with a floral pattern or gold trim. These particular cups and saucers are each colored basic green, yellow, orange, and blue. I love to get them out for decorations in springtime. What I love most is that they belonged to my great grandfather's grandmother. That means they've been in my family for six generations. My great grandpa (Poppee) was born in 1905. He died in 1985 when I was 8 years old. I love imagining his grandmother with that quirky little tea set in her home. I have no idea whether she inherited it or bought it. There is certainly nothing fancy about it but I find it so interesting.

About 4 years ago I started researching my family history. I had always been interested in it but that year I decided to jump in with both feet. I spent countless hours on the phone with my grandmothers and any other relative who would talk to me about it. I filled up legal pads with questions and any information I could gather. I did tons of research online and used a program to organize and keep track of all my findings. It was such an interesting time and I loved that several of my relatives got excited about it along with me. My mom and sister hung on every word when I would call to reveal some connection or new story they hadn't heard. My grandmothers helped me fill in the blanks where some old census record was too hard to read or didn't make sense. Over the next few months we planned several trips to old family cemeteries in Louisiana. My family hit the road with me with notebooks, pencils, and bug spray, and we were often saddened by the overgrown and neglected state of the small country cemeteries.

Of course some of the most wonderful treasures have been old photographs. Few things have made me more excited than those times when an elderly relative has offered to share an old box of photos or an old family album. Thanks to modern technology I've been able to scan and store dozens of priceless photographs that I never knew existed until recently.

I've done some thinking about what started this whole thing for me. In 2004 we were in our third year of this long nightmare with recurrent miscarriage. We'd had 3 losses and had just begun seeing a specialist. Month after month went by with no answers for us. It came to a point where I felt terrified to spend any time thinking about what the future held. How long would this take? How many more devastating losses would we have to endure? Would we ever be able to have children? Genealogy research was like a form of therapy for me. It was a huge project that I could spend hours working on. It quickly became one of my favorite activities and it was the perfect companion for my other favorite hobby of scrapbooking.

I think what happened was this: thinking about the future was too hard. Even dwelling on the present had become too much to bear. Several weeks ago while reading The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne, I froze when I came across the perfect description of the feelings I had. While I can't exactly compare my situation to the public shame and humiliation of Hester Prynne, I can definitely relate in some way to her feelings about the present and future:

"She could no longer borrow from the future to help her through the present grief. Tomorrow would bring its own trial with it; so would the next day, and so would the next; each its own trial, and yet the very same that was now so unutterably grievous to be borne. The days of the far-off future would toil onward, still with the same burden for her to take up, and bear along with her, but never to fling down..."

Perhaps that sounds pretty hopeless. But I've felt that way before. As a Christian I'm never completely without hope but I still get overwhelmed about my future. Hester Prynne wore the scarlet letter of her adultery and there are times when I feel that I wear a symbol of my barrenness for everyone to see. It's not a punishment for something I've chosen but I bear the burden of it every day. Even if I do someday have children, it cannot completely erase the pain of loss I have felt from recurrent miscarriage.

I can now fondly remember a time when even though the present was too hard and the future was too scary, I found some comfort in looking back.

*To see photos that go along with this post, click here.

Happening All Along

Last night I finished a book I'd been reading. The book had nothing to do with infertility, miscarriage, or really anything else I've ever been through. It was just a book I was reading for fun. Toward the end, however, I came across these lines and it felt like they were meant for me:
When you spend all your time desperately hoping that something will happen, you lose sight of the fact that something is happening. And has been happening all along.

I'm beginning to realize and accept how true this is. I will never love infertility. It is horrible and I truly hate it every single day. As much as I can't wait until it is behind me, though, I am coming to a place where I can accept it as part of who I am. No, I'm not getting ready to have a t-shirt made with "Ask me about my infertility" printed on it. But in a way I'm starting to look at it as a part of me, albeit a small one. This whole time that I have been desperately waiting for something to happen, something has been happening! God is using this awful experience to teach me amazing things, to open my eyes to the hurts and struggles of others, and to connect me with some incredible people to share in this experience, whether they're also going through it or not.

Over the past few weeks I've been amazed at the ministry opportunities and the overall good responses and support from people in my life. It wouldn't be a true and honest picture, though, if I didn't also tell you that yesterday was a particularly bad day. It was one of those days when all the bad stuff seems to come at me at once. An insensitive comment, unwanted advice, a completely crazy and unthinkable suggestion from a family member - it all hit me like a ton of bricks. But I'm not new at this. It still isn't easy, but I'm learning how to handle even the bad days.

I know that sometimes it will be really hard. I don't know what my future holds. All of these lessons that seem so clear and wonderful are hard to find when there is a new loss, when the pain becomes fresh again and the old wounds are opened back up.

I'm willing to trust God's plan and His timing, and to learn a few lessons along the way. Right now, today, I realize that something is happening. And it has been happening all along.

In Other News

It's amazing how much has happened since the last In Other News post. Hurricane season is in full swing as I've talked about quite a lot lately and it is really keeping us on our toes. Whether we need to evacuate for Hurricane Ike or not, I'm pretty sure we have decided to leave town this weekend and go visit my in-laws. That way we will be safe no matter where the storm goes. We may be boarding up the windows before we go.

So, let's jump right in. Here's what's happening with us In Other News:

• Of course, Hurricane Ike will be making landfall in Texas this weekend. The farther south it goes, the safer things will be at our house. Even if we don't get a direct hit we will still be on the "dirty" side of the storm with much wind and rain. We are hoping people will be safe and evacuate if necessary. People around here are stubborn after all the heavy traffic with the poorly planned evac for Hurricane Rita a few years ago.
• Note: I've decided that my husband's nickname on this blog will be "Chuck." Early in our engagement my dad mistakenly called him by that name and it has been a joke between us ever since. Our friends get a kick out of it because apparently he doesn't "look like a Chuck," however one should look! So, in the spirit of anonymity (and inside jokes) I will be calling him Chuck.
• September is the month for doctor appointments at my house. Chuck and I have the always fun, shared dermatology appointment tomorrow unless we evacuate sooner, and we will both be taking care of our 6-month dental checkups and cleanings this month. That's not at all interesting, I know, but hey, it feels great to get that stuff crossed off of my list.
• It only took me two weeks to read the entire Twilight series. I loved it! Here's my breakdown of the books. Don't worry, I'm not into spoilers so it's safe to read on. I thought the very best book in the series was book 3, Eclipse, followed very closely by book 1, Twilight. I liked book 2, New Moon, but it definitely had a darker quality to it and was a little harder to read. Book 4, Breaking Dawn, in my opinion was a little too graphic and gory, and frankly too long. Don't get me wrong, I don't think there could ever be too much Edward Cullen so I was still interested in the plot. I just thought it could have been wrapped up more succinctly. I have to give credit to the author Stephenie Meyer. Although I occasionally read some SciFi-type books, I never thought I could be interested in a book (much less a series) about vampires. She did a great job writing it and she had me hook, line, and sinker. I passed them along to my sister, and now my brother and my mom are enjoying them as well. It has been a lot of fun to talk about the books with several friends who happened to be reading them at the same time. I can't wait for the Twilight movie November 21!
• I actually took a short break between Twilight and New Moon to read a book entirely unrelated, The Shack by William P. Young. I don't normally interrupt a series like that but I was trying to get it finished before I got together with some friends who had already read it and wanted to discuss it. Some consider it controversial, but I found it very interesting. The more I try to briefly write about it here, the more I think it needs its own post. I actually have NOTES from the book, so that should tell you something! If you'd like to read more about it or discuss The Shack with me, look for a new post soon.

With the possible evacuation/trip to see family I will probably be out of touch for several days, which means I won't likely be able to read my regular blogs. I hope you all have a great weekend and we'll hopefully catch up next week!

What is Our Purpose?

How great is it that we live in the age of information? I love that there is so much out there to read and study at the click of a button. I’d be a little embarrassed to admit how many times I use Google every day! Sure, sometimes it can all be overwhelming, but it’s worth it when you find something that is just what you were looking for or needed to hear.

I have been having an internal debate for quite some time now. Does that mean there are voices in my head? Maybe so (ha ha). It all came to a head a few weeks ago when I was handed a book to read. If you read my blog regularly or know me in real life, then I hope you know that I’m not here to drag anybody through the mud. I won’t mention the name of the book here, but if you wish to know it feel free to e-mail me.

It would also be crucial to point out that this book came to me in a Bible study setting. Like any material for a Bible study, I think we must be very careful when considering someone else’s opinion or personal conviction, as opposed to what is actually scriptural. There were many, many things in the book that I disagreed with, both personally and spiritually. I decided immediately that I could not participate in the study. After some discussion between the group leader (who is a trusted friend) and myself, and then the leader and our pastor, the book has been tossed out as Bible study material for our group of ladies. Please understand that I don’t think everyone must agree with my opinion! I think it is wise and healthy to discuss differing opinions and viewpoints. In fact, I hope that is exactly what will happen now that the book has been in the spotlight at my church.

I’ve kept you in suspense long enough. My main issue with the book is that the author seems to be pushing the idea that every married woman must be a mother, and that it is her primary purpose and calling. Interestingly enough, the author is a middle-aged single woman with no children. She has obviously come to terms with the fact that as a Christian woman it is acceptable to remain unmarried. However, she clearly doesn’t think that married Christian women should be childless. This raises so many concerns for me. The most obvious one, of course, is that I don’t wish to remain childless! I haven’t chosen this path. The only one who can rescue me from this situation (God) has not yet done so. I don’t like it one bit, but I trust Him completely. I’m willing to let Him handle this, through natural means or through medicinal means. Either way, He’s in control.

There are other situations to consider on this topic besides infertility. I don’t believe that every married woman on the planet WANTS to be a mother. Is she ignoring her primary purpose in life if she chooses not to have children? Is she missing her calling? I don’t think so. I personally believe that a Christian woman should seek to serve the Lord as her primary purpose, no matter if she is married or single, fertile or infertile.

A couple of days ago I came across a blog post that rocked my world. I can’t wait to share it with you! I believe it was no coincidence that it came my way. I wanted to stand up and shout after reading what Amy had to say here. The post begins with some political talk, but that’s not what I want to debate here. I want to direct your attention below that and to the heart of the post, about a woman’s highest calling.

I love being a wife and I believe it is part of God's will for my life. I try to honor God and my husband daily. I strongly desire to be mother and have the utmost respect for those who do it well day in and day out. As long as I am living for Jesus I feel as if I am serving my purpose, whether I ever have children or not.