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Thursday, October 1, 2009

Some Things I Want You To Know

**I've been away from the blog for a few weeks, after two consecutive rounds of company followed by a week of feeling a bit under the weather. Everything is fine, though. Thanks to those of you who checked on us or have been praying! We had great visits from family and a dear friend. And after a trip to the doctor today, I hope to be feeling better soon (I think I have a mild stomach bug).**

As so many of you who live with infertility and/or miscarriage know, sometimes there are very sad days. Of course, that is true about life in general and for people in lots and lots of different situations. I appreciate having this blog to vent some of those feelings that I have during particularly frustrating or sad days. I would even say that sometimes there are simply sad moments that come up during otherwise normal or pleasant days. I use this blog to write about those little moments or big moments, and I know that very often the subject and the tone of the posts you read here are sad.

But one of the things that I want you to know is this: I'm not always sad.

If you don't already know me in real life, I want to tell you that there is a much, much lighter side of me! I do have a lot of joy in my life and I'm grateful for so many blessings. Yes, this has been the hardest experience of my life. It has definitely changed me, in some ways good and in some ways not so good. It truly is a paradox sometimes. For the most part, my experience with recurrent miscarriage has made me far more cautious about opening up to people. It is really hard for me to let others in and share the really hard stuff. At the same time, I wear my heart on my sleeve much more now than I ever used to. Having a blog has helped me work out some of those feelings that are hard to describe when I am faced with questions in person. It's much easier to work it all out from the safety of my living room, moving words and sentences around and putting them in the right order before I officially put them out there.

When I made the decision to start a blog about infertility, I knew that it would most likely only show part of the whole picture, although I do try hard to present (above all) an honest picture of this daily struggle. My hope is that it is a true reflection of the ups and the downs. It sure is nice to have friends who care and understand when I am feeling down, and I'm always overwhelmed and touched by the response. Sometimes I wish that I wrote a blog not about infertility, but about something, anything, happier. But I realize that I probably never would have felt compelled to do this, to reach out like this, without an experience like this one. It's one of those strange "good things" that has come out of it I guess.

And something else I've discovered is this: Sometimes I need a kick in the pants. Okay, I've known this about myself for a while. I know that sometimes I freak out and I close up and go into hermit mode. I need some encouragement or a friendly nudge in the right direction.

A few weeks ago I confessed to you that I hadn't been to see my fertility specialist in well over a year. I was too afraid to make the call for an appointment. You see, in the years before I started this blog, we were very active and involved with doctors and labs and charting cycles and all of that stuff. I know that isn't a side of our experience that you've really seen here. It just so happened that by the time I started writing about it, we were already almost 7 years into trying to have a baby. At that time we had just started seeing a new doctor. We were hopeful about having our fertility struggles looked at with fresh and very capable eyes. Dr. G ordered several new tests and did surgery in January of 2008 to clean up some scar tissue and mild endometriosis that I had. He told us to try again for a pregnancy. We didn't usually have to try for very long. But this time it has been different. Many, many months have passed, but in a way it is like new territory for us. My husband and I have been through a lot together over the years, but we have never felt like we were taking a passive role in our fertility.

Most of this blog has been about waiting. I know that doesn't look very active sometimes, but it never felt like we had given up. Sometimes even waiting can be a very active process! Admittedly, though, I was in a rut. I had let fear take over. I knew that we weren't seeing any progress or any change and I wasn't okay with that anymore. But I was afraid to pick it all back up and pursue it again. After my last post, several of you (along with my family) have encouraged me to get over that fear, and more importantly, not to give up on my dream of having a baby.

Yesterday, I made the call. I almost talked myself out of it, especially after the receptionist told me that the next available appointment with Dr. G was in JANUARY. I paused, and she said she could transfer me to the nurse to see what we could work out. She transferred the call and I got the answering service. I left my long and rambling message and waited for them to call me back. When the call came I was beyond relieved to discover that it wasn't the nightmare nurse that I've dealt with so many times before. Instead, on the other end of the phone was a kind and helpful nurse who was incredibly patient with me and who listened to what I had to say. She wasn't the least bit condescending or rude. (Can you tell I've been burned before?) I explained that we'd been trying on our own -- as the doctor ordered -- for over a year and that we were ready to come in and have a talk about it. So, she set us up for October 21st. I took a deep breath, wiped a few tears, and hung up the phone. Then I called my mom, who had been gently nudging me as well.

Although I do feel relieved about finally having an appointment, I still don't know what will happen and I'm still nervous about moving forward. There are no guarantees, except that I'll go in that day with my dear husband by my side and we'll both be clinging to our Lord.

And this time, as a bonus, I know that I'll also have you in my corner, cheering me on. And I can't thank you enough.

26 comments:

Sharon said...

Oh my gosh Stac! Our stories are so unbelievably similar! I too went for a second set of eyes early in 2008 also with a Dr G, who also did surgery to repair a bunch of internal damage and I too, like you have totally lost the ability to fall pg naturally since then!!!
Hang in there, I know its scary but I'm SO glad you're being so proactive, it can only move you another step closer to your dream!!

Life In Mazes said...

For some reason, you were heavy on my heart last night and I said a prayer for you. I was actually going to email you today! I do believe that waiting is an active proccess. I hope your stomach bug goes away fast and that as you prepare for the doctor's appointment, you and your husband will find renewed strength from God!

prayerfuljourney said...

The Good Lord will help you this time....He will give you the strength that you need. I know all to well about waiting and finding it hard to be ALWAYS joyful. And yes...you have a lot of support in the background cheering you on. Keep praying! I will also keep you in my prayers.

entrusted said...

So glad you were able to get an appointment soon!
::andreajennine::

Amy said...

Wow, Stacey. I'm so glad you wrote this blog. I had seen on your FB status about "Doctober" and all the appts. and wondered if this is what it entailed. I'm so glad you have taken this step. I can only imagine it must have been a hard one to take. You know all of us will be eagerly awaiting a blog on or around the 21st to hear how your appt. went.
I'm sure this blog has developed over time in ways you didn't even know it would. I find that my blog is the easier way for me to process what I am truly feeling, and that even my mom, who I am pretty much an open book with, is surprised and thankful at times to read my blog and see how I am "really" feeling. And I often have that fear, too, that people think I am sad all the time when I am not. A friend of mine emailed me last week about a friend of hers, who I don't know, who had miscarried, and wanted to know my thoughts on what to say or do for her friend. I felt my reply email sounded so sad, like I needed to make the first appt with the nearest counselor (not that I haven't thought about that at times, too!). And I had to try to explain that there are the days...the moments....but that it doesn't overshadow a wonderful life.
I think even in your "sad" blogs, your words are still an encouragement to many of us. And we know that you and your hubby have a great life together. I think when I read those kinds of blogs, I just think, first and foremost, that those blogs are for YOU. They are for you to feel, to process. And we are the blessed readers along for the ride of someone willing to be transparent with their life. Thanks for that, Stacey. (sorry for the long comment...I probably should have emailed!)

Alicia said...

I'm glad that you're feeling better now. Thanks for your honesty on how this experience has changed you both good and bad. From previous posts I can see that you have a very joyful life full of family that you love.

Your visit will be worth it even though the unknown can be frightening. I haven't seen my RE in well over a year for some of the same reasons.

God bless and YES we will be in your corner cheering you on!

LM said...

Good for you! And even though you may blog about the hard things, I think readers can still tell you are a happy, joyful person. I can anyways!

Sunny said...

YESSSSSSS! Small victories, step by step taken in faith! I'm sooooo proud of you, Stace! I'm going to put that date on my calendar. I look forward to sharing MORE of this journey with you. Love you girl!

twondra said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so glad you were able to get in sooner. I had tears in my eyes as I was reading this. I will ALWAYS be here cheering you on no matter what....I hope you know that. You're very, very special to me. I'm always here for you if you need to talk. ((HUGS))

Katie said...

I remember that feeling, feeling "stuck." And it was exactly what I needed to kick myself in gear and start our IVF cycle. . . and have Will. I hope this is the last time you have to feel this way.

Dan & Hillary and little Russell said...

Thank-you, Stacey, for your openness in the last 1.5 yrs. I still am sometimes sad for "what might have been" with our m/c's. It's been difficult to say the least that "God works all for good for those that love Him." I don't think I'll ever understand.

So awesome that the nurse was gracious and gave you an appt. in three weeks time!! Love and prayers to you...

Kathryn said...

Thank you for sharing.

I could leave a long, rambling comment, but i just want you to know that i appreciate all that you share, here & the comments you leave for me. This isn't an easy road or one that is well marked for the "best choices."

God bless you in your search. I do pray God will bring the desire of your heart.

Life is a Bowl of Wedgies said...

Will be praying about that appointment, Stacey. I love how you said ya'll will be clinging to your Lord on that day. Excited about this for you guys.

A said...

Clinging to the Lord is all I can do sometimes!! I am so excited that you got such a nearby appointment- I pray that God guides the minds and hands of the physicians He has lined up to care for you!

Hear My Cry said...

Good for you! Continuing to pray for you Stacey!

Connie said...

I am sitting here at my computer, wiping away the tears...I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! I knew you could do it!! I know what a huge step that was. Do you know that I have been praying that you would not have to deal with that crazy, mean, hateful nurse. (I didn't pray she would get fired, but I did pray she wouldn't be anywhere near you and that you wouldn't have to deal with her at all!) Feel better, Lovey! XOXO

~S said...

Stacey,
I'm not sure I've ever commented on your blog before, but I enjoy reading and am encouraged by your posts. I'm so glad you got an appointment so quickly and had a nice and understanding nurse.

iamstacey said...

I'm so excited for you guys! I hope this doc can give ya'll some fresh insight and a new plan. I'm so proud of you for setting up the appointment!

Becky said...

Oh Stacey, this is wonderful news! I am so very proud of you. It is not easy to once again open ourselves up to possibility. I know it can be very scary. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus whose perfect love for you casts out fear - He will not let you fall. I am praying for you both.

Journeymark Cards & Gifts said...

Stacey, your courage and strength are to be admired. I am proud of you for taking the step of faith, and putting that fear aside. I will be praying for you.

You are so right about the sad days. Some days are great while others just stink. God knows our hearts in that, and I believe, as Job did, we can wail and cry out to God.

May you be blessed!!!

Renovation Girl said...

I love what you wrote about not always being sad. I feel like that, too, with my blog. It's my venting ground to people who understand, but I do not go through every day like that. (maybe some days, though...)

Yay for October 21st!!! Wow. It must seem so exciting and terrifying!! I can't wait to hear how things go!

Michelle said...

I could have written this post myself. i identify with everything. i have been on break for what now feels like forever! I have felt afraid to call again. now I am ready the only problem I have now is I have to pay my RE what I owe him. Hopefully that will be in the next couple weeks. '

Good Luck, I hope all goes well with the appointment!

Jenn said...

HOOOOOOORRRRAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!Your appointment is marked on my calendar!!!! :)

Amber said...

Hope you will join us on our new blog
http://chadandamberwallace.blogspot.com/

Charisa said...

I'm so glad you've decided to go back. Your bravery astounds me repeatedly. I love you and Chuck and wish you the best as you jump back in. Prayers! Hugs! and Hope!

Rebekah said...

I totally understand- I feel like so many of my posts are when I'm upset or venting and I don't want people to think that's the only way I ever am. Despite the sadness and grief God has given me times of joy and gladness too! I'll be thinking of you as the 21st approaches.