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Saturday, April 10, 2010

Why Now?

That is the question I've been pondering lately.

It has almost replaced my old standard question that has been around for so many years, "Why me?" Why was it so hard? Why did we have to live through one loss after another for 6 years, followed by 3 years of waiting and wondering? Those questions are still with me, although they're not at the forefront of my mind like they used to be. No, it's not because I'm pregnant; it's because I was learning to let it go. I knew that, for me, I had to get to a place where I could let go of my desire to know why things happen the way they do. It was a matter of trusting that God was still in control and I needed to trust that even though I didn't have a baby.

I'm still learning to trust Him. Lately I've been wondering, "Why now?" What changed so that we could now make it to the 16th week of pregnancy? Why has the Lord now decided to give us this child?

I don't know the answer. We didn't know why then, and we don't know why now.

I don't know why we struggled through recurrent miscarriage alone. To clarify, we had the wonderful support of our family and some close friends through that trial. But it is a lonely time even for a couple. What I mean is that we didn't know very many others who had been through what we were facing. It was so hard. Our babies were dying and I knew that there was a problem somewhere inside my body that was causing it. It is a helpless, horrible feeling. We sought the help of doctors along the way who identified a few issues and corrected them. We hoped for something different, but nothing changed. We still got pregnant and we still miscarried. We felt like we were walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

Then came what we felt was our time in the desert. Three years of nothing. We were facing infertility on top of recurrent miscarriage.

The difference was that God gave me an outlet during that time. In those few years He gave me a community of supporters who quickly became friends. He allowed me the opportunity to write, which was something I hadn't explored in a long time. He gave me what I still consider a ministry, here, in the form of a blog. We weren't alone anymore. Sure, it was still hard, but now we had our family and friends plus a group of people who knew what we felt because they too were living it. And all of a sudden, instead of wanting to hide ourselves away until our problem was resolved (if it ever would be) and instead of being ashamed of how devastated we felt about our situation, we began to be more open about it. Now, when people asked why we didn't have children, we told them why. We told them about how long we had been trying, how hard it had been, and how desperately we wanted that. We asked them to pray with us and we talked about the babies we'd lost. I no longer worried so much about hiding my tears. It was really hard and really outside of what felt comfortable, but we almost embraced it in a way. YES, we still hated it, but I think we realized that it was becoming part of our story.

It's strange to think that now is the time for us to have a successful pregnancy. Why now? Maybe it's because I needed you guys to hold me up and have faith when I didn't. Without a doubt I know that I need your prayers and encouragement to get through this new waiting period. I have a lot of fears and a lot of worries even though we're farther than we've ever been. Oh, how I wish I could have had this community when it was our season of loss. But for some reason that I may never fully understand, we needed to get through that time together and we needed to learn to rely on God. We needed to realize that we weren't really alone because He never did leave us.

Since I started blogging almost 2 years ago, I've watched (and prayed, and rejoiced!) as more than 20 of my blog friends have given birth to or adopted new babies! I think that's incredible. My list of friends who are still waiting, however, is longer than 20. I pray every single day for people on that list. If you're still in the valley of miscarriage and loss or in the desert of infertility, I pray that it will soon be your time to sit back and wonder in amazement, why now?

It's okay with me if I never get the answer. He knows why. And I'm thankful.

20 comments:

A said...

Beautiful, Stacey. I am almost teary-eyed at the thought of you praying for those of us still waiting :) I'm praying for you, too!!

Life In Mazes said...

So thankful to read this words and trusting that God is always working on getting us to the "Why now?" moments!

Thanks for your prayers, we are grateful and we enjoy praying for your growing family ;)

Adam and Julia said...

We may never know the answers to His questions. It is that we went through the process with Him and came out victorious that matters. You are beautiful inside and out. Why now? Because now is right!

TRS said...

Beautiful.

Jo said...

Thankyou for this beautiful post Stacey. I don't know for sure the answer to your question, but I like to think that maybe he wanted as many people to see how amazing he is as possible. Through this blog a lot of people have joined your journey, and now we all get to witness this miracle. I think it is amazing that so many people get to be a part of it through the wonder that is the net. Through you God was able to touch a lot of people this year and maybe that is the reason that now he has granted you your healthy pregnancy. I am probably completely off the mark but that is what I LIKE to think :) Whatever the reason I am very glad to be sharing the joy with you.

Birdie said...

Thank you, Stacey. What a beautiful post. I appreciate your prayers so much. Thank you for sharing your heart. You're such an encouragement!

Connie said...

God's timing is so very perfect. I am sure you have no idea how many lives you have touched. You know we have been talking about this in Sunday school. What if through the terrible pain that we feel on this earth a life is changed for an eternity?! Wow! I can imagine a glorious day when He looks at you and says, "You see? That was why!" And it all becomes clear. I feel certain there are lives that have been changed because of you and your willingness to be open about your pain. Love you, Stace. We pray that for that precious baby (and for you too) every single day.

Jana said...

Well, I was thinking I'd leave a comment with the word beautiful in it... but that's been covered already! :) Stace, you amaze me and I love you!!!

beth ewing said...

girl you have a gift for writing what all of us are feeling or have felt.

andreajennine said...

When I was in the midst of infertility, it helped me to think that God was not only using suffering to do work in my life, but to do work I may never know about in the lives of others. When I got pregnant, I came back to the same answer for the, "Why now?" question. You're right, we may never know. But God has certainly used your pregnancy at this time to build the faith of many others!

Sharon said...

I just loved this peace Stacey! But you know, I'm not sure we'll ever know why for sure! We can specute, but only HE knows why!

Indy said...

Beautiful, Stacey. Thank you for your sweet prayer at the end.

I am now rejoicing with you and am learning to have faith in the midst of the desert.

Love,
Indy

Amy said...

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar.You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O LORD, You know it all.You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
(Psalm 139:1-6)
God knows your thoughts, Stacey. He intimately knows what you are thinking, and what you've been through, even the things that don't make sense. He knows the hurt of losing a child. And this same psalm is the one that says all of your days were ordained before one of them came to be. Before your life began, God knew this would be the life that would grow in you. We don't understand why, and it does not take away the pain of the lives that were lost. But we can take comfort in the not knowing, knowing that God is intimately acquainted with us.

Jenn said...

Your post is very inspiring. Thank you for sharing. Love you!

Just A Girl said...

AMEN, Stacey. God bless you :)

Becky said...

I have been thinking about this question ever since you posted this. I have been thinking about God's plan a lot lately and why it unfolds at a particular time and why so much loss and suffering often precedes it. I still don't have an answer. It made me think of Rom 11:33, "Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!

One thing I do know is that God has been glorified and many, many other women have been strengthened and encouraged. And I think your story will continue to minister to others and inspire them to never give up hope. Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement!

DeniFay said...

What a great, honest, & faith-filled post! You are an inspiration Stacey & I thank you for sharing, for your friendship, & your blessing of this sweet baby!!

prayerfuljourney said...

Why Now? Because it's all about God's timing. His time is your time. So happy to read all is going well and you are having a healthy pregnancy. God Bless!

Michelle said...

You are such an amazing person! I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

Susan Sene said...

I have wondered this too...and I suffered through just one loss. Why was I one who was able to have a beautiful girl when I know so many who have been through various losses? I don't know...it almost seems unfair...but "His ways are not our ways"...enjoy your sweet baby growing inside you. He is knitting that life together specifically for you and your husband. How gracious He is!