Bullet Points

It's the kind of night when this type of post is just necessary. So here it is -- my life in bullet points:

The Bad:

• I've been a terrible, terrible blogger.
  
• We've had a very yucky week at our house that all started with a virus my dear husband brought home. He was sick for several days (sore throat, stuffy nose kind of stuff) and then my sweet Lily got sick. We took her to the doctor on Wednesday after she ran fever the night before and it became obvious that she was really not feeling well. Her fever is gone and now we are dealing with some tummy issues, but she's on the mend.
  
• Unfortunately, the evil virus has now landed on me. I feel awful!

The Good:

• Earlier this month we went home to Louisiana to celebrate my wonderful mom's 60th birthday. It was such a great weekend with family but, as weekends go, it was over much too soon.
  
• Despite the excessive heat and drought conditions, this week we noticed that Lily's tree has finally bloomed! How happy we were to see those sweet pink blossoms on her crape myrtle.
• There is a box of birthday decorations in my closet in the theme of The Very Hungry Caterpillar, waiting to be used next month for Lily's big First Birthday. Unbelievable!
• Last Sunday we visited the big church down the road from our house. We haven't really been visiting places regularly in our search for a new church home, so we decided to just go someplace close and try it out. We aren't really accustomed to large churches, but the advantage was that they have a pretty awesome program in place for children. We had called ahead and were given a tour of the preschool area before the service started. After the tour I felt comfortable (security-wise, etc.) about leaving Lily in the church nursery for the very first time, but I took it much harder than I ever expected. Fortunately she was PERFECT and never cried a single tear, which is more than I can say for her mommy! The nursery workers were so kind: two of them had gone to check on Lily for us during the service -- one came to find us before we picked her up, and the other had left a note in her diaper bag -- both gushing about how wonderful she had been. I was so proud of my big girl! It felt good to go to church again, and although I don't know if this is "the one" for us, we like knowing that we can visit there again as we continue our search.

What's really on my heart:

• Please pray with me for a sweet little four-month-old who is fighting for his life. I don't personally know this baby, but he is the nephew of some friends of mine back home. I am completely heartbroken over his situation and ask you to lift up little Declan and his family to the Lord. You can follow this facebook link for more info: Friends and Family of baby Declan Jace and this link if you wish to help with a donation.
  

I hope all of my bloggy buddies are doing well. I've been trying to stay in touch with you guys, little by little. I'm still here, still reading, and still praying for you, friends.

Nursery

We have been putting the final touches on the nursery for a few days and are finally to the point where we feel it is done! I'm sure we'll find some other things to organize and a few things may get moved around as more comes in, but we are very happy with the room's current state. Thanks for all of the interest you've shown in seeing pictures! I'm excited to share them with you today.

First I just want to take a minute to remember and to reflect on what having this room ready means to me. We were expecting our first baby when we bought this house over 8 years ago. The room was already set up as a nursery, but not even close to what I would choose as far as color and wallpaper borders go. We took down the border and painted that room and the guest room next door a nice shade of green that I loved, but we never had the chance to set it up as a nursery because I miscarried before we even finished moving in.

The room remained mostly empty for a while until we finally purchased a queen-sized bed and made it into a second guest room. And oh, how our guests have used that room! I'm thankful that we gave it another purpose over these past 8 years and that I didn't have the constant reminder of that empty room down the hall. The closet held some unused baby items for all those years, but the room ultimately brought us joy. It has been my mom's room and my in-laws' room for overnight stays, but mainly it was my nephews' room! They called it their room and we've watched them practically grow up in it. I think it was a slight shock to them when we started clearing it out to get ready for Lily. They rebounded quickly, though, on the promise that Uncle and I will always, always make room for them to come and visit, no matter what. :)

Needless to say, it does my heart good to see this room decorated and ready for our baby, with that same shade of green that I loved back then. I always knew it would go well with blue or pink, but all I could do was hope that one day we would actually see it come together. It has, and I'm so thankful. I can't tell you how often I go in there just to stand and take it all in. I love this room, and I can't wait for Lily Rae to come home to it.

Now, onto the pictures!


Crib and changing table dresser. I don't know if I ever mentioned the theme here on the blog, but we went with simple, sweet little birds. I absolutely love the bedding (although the crib doesn't display it very well) and especially the mobile! I believe you can click on the pictures to view them slightly larger.

Crib and dresser


The newborn outfit I plan to bring Lily home in. I've had this sweet outfit for many years.

Dresser and chair. By the way, if you are as in love with that precious name pillow as I am, check out my friend Mellanie's etsy shop! I have a link to it in the sidebar, or you can click here: Cat's Meow Boutique. She makes the most adorable things! You might see some more items she made for my Lily on the site (last time I checked it I saw the adorable wipe case she sent to me).

Decorations on and above dresser. The flash got in the way here, but that little pink framed decoration has an "L" on it. The 3 framed photos on the shelves are of Lily's 3 sweet cousins when they were babies.

Sweet little clothes in the dresser drawer

Changing area and window

Canvas hanging on the wall above the window

Small bookcase. Her closet has an entire shelf full of books as well. I love children's books and have been collecting them for quite some time. She will have lots of books to read for sure!

Decorations on bookcase. This little framed picture is of my mom and me when I was a baby. Oh, and besides scrapbooking I'm really not much of a crafter, but take note of the rick rack that we added to this old lamp shade last week. I think it turned out so cute, not to mention it cost us nothing (I already had the ribbon) and took about 15 minutes to complete! That made me pretty happy.

One of my favorite things about the room is that I can look on any wall in any direction and see things that were lovingly made for and given to this baby. There are so many sweet little treasures tucked into this space and each one holds a special meaning for us. We have been blessed tremendously by family and friends who share in our excitement in bringing Lily home! What a wonderful day it will be. Oh, I can't wait!


"I prayed for this child and the Lord granted what I asked of him." 1 Samuel 1:27
Some version of this verse appears 3 times in Lily's room. As far as I'm concerned, it could be there 100 times! I could never remember or repeat it enough.

On Infertility and Faith

(Normally when I get ready to type a post, I sit down and write what I want to say and hit "publish." It usually takes me about an hour to write and proofread it. This post, however, is one that I've been chewing on for several days before putting it out there. It's been on my mind this week after the combination of an article I read and an e-mail from a friend. I'd be interested in your feedback if you wish to share it!)

I wish we lived in a world where people who desperately wanted to have children could always succeed. I think it will always hurt my heart that this isn't so.

One of the many things about infertility that is so hard to grasp is that it's not the kind of journey where it always ends the same way and everyone gets a baby. I know that, and while it may be hard to hear this from me at this time in my life, that's where I thought my journey might very well go. While I always prayed, hoped, and wished for children of my own to love and raise here on earth, I had no guarantee that it would really happen one day. I had absolutely no way of knowing whether I would ever have a normal pregnancy. Even though that's what I hoped for and tried to achieve, in my mind I knew that I needed to plan for either outcome. Children or no children. That was by far one of the hardest parts of my journey, aside from losing my babies to miscarriage.

There are so many positive-sounding pieces of advice that we've probably heard all of our lives, like "If you work really hard at something and don't give up, you will succeed." Or, to quote Back to the Future (part one), "If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything." And there's the old standby, "Good things come to those who wait." These might work 99% of the time in business or many other areas of life, but they just don't apply to infertility. "Hang in there" and "don't give up" don't necessarily always work with having a baby. With that being said, I firmly believe that you should pray and try and seek medical help for as long as you can or want to or have the means to, if your desire is to have a baby. I think you should give it your all and plead with the Lord to intervene. But I don't think that the right combination of effort, good luck, positive thinking, and strong faith are what will make a baby.

I always would cringe when someone told me that my pregnancy would work if I had enough faith or if I just thought happy, positive thoughts. You can imagine how I felt when it didn't work. What was wrong with me? How did I manage to mess this up again? Was my faith really so weak?

While I'm not always the world's most positive person, I think I do okay at having a decent attitude most of the time. And I certainly am a person of faith. Without my faith, I don't know where I would be. But I don't think that having faith in my amount of faith will get me very far! And I don't even think that the key was having faith that I would one day have a baby, because I knew deep down in my heart that it might not happen for me. I could have faith as small as a mustard seed or as huge as a mountain, but the size of my faith doesn't affect my ability to carry a baby to term. (Stay with me here!)

Faith in my Lord's ability to act, on the other hand, is what matters. One of the lessons I learned through recurrent pregnancy loss was that I needed to focus my faith and my trust on my Savior, and on Him alone: on who He is and what He can do. My job is to believe, but it's His job to act. I was beginning to place all of my faith in having a baby someday, just knowing that if I could do that I would be happy and fulfilled. I came to see that God was the only one who could make this happen for me. He was the only one who could give me joy, peace, and fulfillment, and He was certainly the only one who could put life in my womb. Now, that didn't mean that he ultimately would make that happen. What it meant to me was that I needed to trust Him and have faith in His ability to act no matter what. As hard as it was for me to grasp, I had to learn that He would still be Lord and He would still be sovereign even if I never had children.

As I wrote about in my last post, the Bible tells us that nothing is impossible with God. This is a wonderful promise for the barren woman today, just as it was for Elizabeth way back then! I firmly believe that sometimes this is the message that might just help someone to keep pressing on when they feel like giving up. God can do the impossible, which is immensely encouraging when you feel that your situation is impossible! That's where I was without a doubt. I couldn't see how my crazy, death-trap of a womb would ever become a good home for a baby. I had tried and failed six times and had no real answer or solution, no guarantee that our seventh attempt would be any different. But we hoped and prayed for a miracle anyway, and we trusted that it was up to the Lord to give and sustain life to this baby.

Believing in the impossible (translated = believing that God could do the impossible and praying that He would) helped us to carry on and find the courage to give it another try. And by His grace, our baby is surviving. It's not because we had faith in our amount of faith (because believe me, I know I didn't). It's because God acted and because He is God. I don't think for one second that I'm still carrying this baby because I finally figured out the right formula. On the contrary, I take every opportunity to make sure that it is God and only God who gets the glory for this miracle.
(I recently read a great article about this topic of faith on the Desiring God blog that I thought was so helpful. It certainly explains things much better than I could. Here's the link if you'd like to check it out: Peter: When the Rock Sunk Slowly)

I've come to realize that there are several other places in Scripture where we see examples of this. It appears that Jesus healed many people on the basis of their faith. It would be easy to think that they were healed simply because they had tremendous faith. But if we look closely, we can see that they had faith specifically in the fact that they knew and believed that Jesus was able:

As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed him, calling out, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!" When he had gone indoors, the blind men came to him, and he asked them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?"
"Yes, Lord," they replied. Then he touched their eyes and said, "According to your faith will it be done to you"; and their sight was restored... (Matthew 9:27-30)
(See also Matthew 9:20-22; Luke 7:1-10)

Something else that I've seen in my reading this week is the reminder that there is power in prayer. I believe this with all of my heart, which is why I've prayed for so many years for our children and why I continue to pray diligently for each of you. I'm reminded of Hannah's story in 1 Samuel, as well as this verse in Genesis 25:21, "Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant." The Bible invites us again and again to approach the Lord with confidence and bring our requests to Him with expectant hope. (Ephesians 3:12; Hebrews 4:16; 1 John 5:14-15)

At this point let me say that I know that some people who have walked the road of infertility and/or miscarriage will prayerfully come to a time when they feel that it's right for them to stop pursuing pregnancy or treatment. I think this is a brave decision that takes far more trust and faith in the Lord that I can fully imagine. And I don't believe that it is lack of faith or "giving up." I don't understand why loving, caring, wonderful people who want to have children sometimes won't have the opportunity to do so. I'll never understand that, and knowing some of the truly wonderful women in my life who haven't had children and yet always wanted to will always make my heart ache. Another thing I've learned on this journey is that adoption, as wonderful as I think it is and as much joy as I've seen it bring to families over the years, just isn't realistically an option for all couples in all situations all the time.

I believe that sometimes God may be telling us to stop. I would never, ever second-guess a person who felt like this was where they were on their infertility journey. I have absolutely no doubt that it is also in His ability to give that person peace and fulfillment in their life. (That may very well be the part of your situation that feels impossible!) That is my prayer for all of us, no matter what the end of our struggle may look like.

But, unless that is where your journey has taken you, I'll be here to encourage you to keep pressing on and believing that God can do the impossible. He can change our hearts and even our circumstances. I'm living proof.

Second 3D Ultrasound and an Anniversary

No, it's not our wedding anniversary... yet. That's coming up next weekend and we are so looking forward to getting away for a sweet little weekend trip (more to come on that later)! Earlier this week, on Thursday, I celebrated 2 years of blogging! May 27 was my second "blogoversary" and it was also the day of our second 3D ultrasound.

If you'll remember, at the first 3D ultrasound they offered for us to come back for free so we could try again to get good pictures of the baby's face. Well, we tried for a whole hour and we definitely have a little girl who likes to cover her face with her arms and hands! I wasn't the least bit disappointed, though. I still think she looks precious! We did get a couple of peeks at half of her face. :) It also amazes me just to see her perfectly formed arms, hands, legs, and feet. We did get some pretty neat pictures that I will try to add to the web album soon (check the link in the sidebar to see the ultrasound pics). It may take me a day or two to get them uploaded because it's a busy weekend over here.

I have to say it was truly amazing to go into an ultrasound with little to no nerves. I don't think that has ever happened in my life. After so many years of bad news and devastating results, it was such a relief to be able to relax and simply enjoy being able to see our baby. That, in itself, is a miracle to me!

My family came with us to the appointment again this week. It was great to have my mom, sister, and nephews with us again, and this time my brother joined the party, too. I really like how this elective u/s place encourages you to bring as many family members as you want. It's fun to fill up the room and marvel over this little miracle together!

Mom, sis, and kiddos only stayed for the day and had to get back home. My brother, however, is staying through the weekend to help Chuck out with some home projects. I am so glad! Our garage has been full for about a year with materials to finish changing out the carpet with wood floors and putting up crown molding in the bedrooms. The guys got the crown done yesterday in the guest room and our bedroom (Lily's room was already done). Last night they pulled the carpet out of our room and they're working on laying the floor today. I'm thrilled that our house is now carpet-free! I'll post some pics after it's all done.

So much has changed in two years of blogging. I was just spending time in prayer for all of you last night, thanking God for all of the ways that He is working in your lives. I praised Him for miracles and answered prayers, and I pleaded with Him to continue to open wombs and listen to cries for help. I asked Him to comfort those of you who are grieving losses. I prayed for those who are waiting to adopt and those still trying to conceive and have successful pregnancies.

I'm excited and hopeful to see what great news will come in the next two years. Thanks so much for being friends and supporters to us for the past 24 months. We are so blessed to have you in our lives!

Wishing you all a happy Memorial Day weekend, in honor of those who have served and paid the ultimate price for freedom.

More Updates and a Prayer Request

I'll start with the prayer request.

My heart is so heavy for some dear friends of mine. If you have a moment, please say a prayer for my friend Jason and his family. I've known Jason since junior high school and he has been a great friend to me for many years. Even as I write this, he is attending the funeral of his precious little nephew whose life was taken in an accident this week. Please pray for Jason and pray for his sister, her husband, and their two other children. Thank you, friends. I know that Jason reads this blog, so feel free to let him know in the comments that you are lifting them up in prayer today.

Besides our heavy hearts for our friends, things are going okay for us here at our house. We did get the Doppler in the mail on Tuesday of this week and it has been a great comfort for us. We have listened to the baby's heartbeat twice already and it is truly helping us to relax during these waiting periods in between appointments. It is a huge blessing!

This afternoon I have an appointment with our family doctor for my annual thyroid checkup and blood work. I have been on medication for hypothyroidism for probably 7 or 8 years or so now. It's something I always watched and had checked because I have a long family history of thyroid disorders. In addition to lots of other family members who struggle with this, my mom had problems with a hyperactive thyroid after she had me. My sister was diagnosed with Grave's Disease after she had her second child. (Coincidentally, my sister-in-law also has Grave's Disease.) Needless to say, I was glad to have mine already monitored and under control by the time we started trying to have babies, and it's something I definitely stay on top of.

I'm planning to take the doctor's consent form for the elective ultrasound with me to the appointment today. I was told on the phone that it could be signed by a family doctor as well as our OB, so I hope to get it signed today while I'm there in person. I'm afraid if I fax it to the OB's office they might not get it back to me in time for the ultrasound appointment on April 23. Hopefully I can get that done and crossed off of my list!

Our family doctor has always had an interest in my fertility history. Every time I go in to see her about a cold or any other problem, the conversation always turns to what our next steps will be in trying to have a baby. I appreciate this about her, although I must admit that sometimes I just wanted her to give me my medicine and let me get out of there! She is the kind of doctor who likes to chit-chat, so I'm sure we'll have lots to talk about today.

I still haven't quite decided what to have engraved on the charm I want to get to remember our babies. You gave me plenty of wonderful suggestions to consider, it's just that I'm a pretty indecisive person! I think it will be something that Chuck and I do together for Mother's Day this year. We will probably go and pick it out together and make the final decision about the engraving. (While I loved your ideas about hearts and trees, etc, I'm thinking they are probably only able to do text, but it's something I want to ask about.) I'm actually looking forward to having something to do to commemorate that day for us.

Finally, I want to thank you for watching the Beach family's Extreme Makeover last Sunday! Thanks to those of you who came back and left me a comment about the episode. We thought it was fantastic! We very much enjoyed watching it, although we may have gone through almost an entire box of Kleenex. We are still so happy for that very deserving and special family. Oh, and we did NOT see ourselves in the crowd on TV, but a few friends said they thought they did see us. If you think you spotted us, you may be right! :)

I hope you are all having a wonderful week! Thanks for checking on us and keeping up with our journey every step of the way.

**Edited to add: Our family doctor was happy to sign the form for the elective ultrasound. Yay! We are all set for the 3D/4D ultrasound on the afternoon of April 23. Hopefully that will be the day we will find out boy or girl. I can't believe it!

Third Ultrasound

Today we had our much anticipated third ultrasound. It went very well, thank the Lord!

Before I give you the details, I want to thank everyone who left comments and sent texts and e-mails to tell us you were thinking of us or praying for us. I always feel so overwhelmed by the love and support we've been receiving, and it means so much to us to get those messages when we are feeling nervous about an appointment. We truly have felt covered by your prayers. Thank you!

The ultrasound today gave us a good look at our growing baby. We were thrilled to see that the baby is measuring normally (21 mm) for 8w5d. Again we saw and heard the heartbeat (179 bpm), which is always comforting. I still think that our doctor is optimistic with the way the pregnancy is progressing. He doesn't seem to have any big concerns so far. We will have another ultrasound in 2 more weeks, on March 4. By then I will be almost 11 weeks. I already consider this baby a miracle, but I know we will be absolutely elated if our next appointment continues to show more progress and if we actually make it to the second trimester.

Today I also got my H1N1 flu shot. The office was out of the regular flu shots, so I'll have to try to track one down around here. I was glad that I've been seeing lots of commercials and reminders about flu shots, and that I remembered to tell the doctor that I hadn't had any. (In fact, I've never had a flu shot in my life before today.) He said I definitely should get them, so I obeyed.

I also began to notice something new over the weekend. It seems that lately every day I wake up and find that my stomach is getting larger and larger. I never remember experiencing that to this extent with any of our previous pregnancies. I certainly did gain weight each time (that I'm still carrying around all these years later), but I've really been seeing changes specifically in my waistline over the past few days. Of course, as I said before, I welcome any sign that our baby is still with us and still growing!

Today we feel as though we've jumped another hurdle. The next one is in our sights, but with each one we become a little bit more hopeful.

************

Now for an update on the weekend, in case you were wondering. We got my mom and family all moved in! It took working full days from Friday to Tuesday, but almost everything is unpacked and put away. They have been sleeping in the new house since Saturday and they are loving it! It makes my heart so happy to think of my sweet mom settled into her beautiful new home. I love it!

Second Ultrasound

I can't begin to express how much we have appreciated your prayers this week. Please know that they were truly felt!

I was really battling my nerves last night and this morning. It was an incredibly restless night and an anxious morning as we headed to the city, in the rain, for our 10 AM ultrasound. We arrived at the top level of the parking garage a few minutes before 10 and checked in at the front desk right on time. Just 5 minutes later, we were looking at our baby!

The doctor wasted no time showing us what we were desperately hoping to see on that screen. The baby looks great and everything is measuring normally for 6w5d. We saw that wonderful, flickering heartbeat, and for the first time ever we actually heard the heartbeat as well. It was a glorious 132 bpm and, I think, the greatest sound we've ever heard.

I couldn't help but cry tears of joy. The realist in me says that this is good news, but it's one big hurdle with more to follow. But the optimist in me is absolutely elated because of what we saw today!

My doctor is a straight-shooter and gets right to the point, so I decided to ask him what I imagine every person in my shoes (or socks, as the case may be) must want to know, "Should I be hopeful right now, even despite my history?" He answered "YES," and my tears kept flowing. Chuck and I hugged and cried after Dr. G left the room. Well, I cried. Chuck was as cool as a cucumber. After all, he'd been telling me all along that it was going to be okay.

And now we wait some more. Our next ultrasound appointment will be in 2 weeks, on Thursday, Feb. 18. For today, though, it's great news! One day at a time.

These are the verses in Scripture that I've been clinging to for the past few days:

1 Praise the LORD.
Praise, O servants of the LORD,
praise the name of the LORD.

² Let the name of the LORD be praised,
both now and forevermore.

³ From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised.

⁴ The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
his glory above the heavens.

⁵ Who is like the LORD our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,

⁶ who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?

⁷ He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;

⁸ he seats them with princes,
with the princes of their people.

⁹ He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.

Psalm 113

Waiting and Hoping

Our long wait between appointments is finally almost over. The next ultrasound is only two days away, on Thursday morning.

The good news is that I haven't seen or felt anything out of the ordinary (well, you know, out of the ordinary for a normal person). My symptoms are definitely still around. My sweet husband must feel like his only job in the world right now is keeping me fed! As always, he is taking tremendous care of me and has been making up for my severe lack of energy and voracious appetite by handling most of the housework and all of the cooking. I am so very thankful for him!

The only thing that could be classified as bad news right now is my memory. I wish I could forget about every awful ultrasound that we've ever had. I wish I didn't go into each new appointment with those terrible memories around to make my stomach turn and my heart race. I'm sure my nerves would be around to do that to me anyway. So far I have been doing okay at keeping calm. I haven't had any major freak-out moments and I'm trying really hard not to dwell on the past. It's hard to do, but I'm trying to consider this pregnancy an experience all its own.

In keeping with the "one day at a time" mindset, I've been making it part of my daily routine to thank the Lord for each new day. I know, this is something I should have been doing every day of my life anyway! But it has really helped me to focus on today and try not to worry about the past or about tomorrow. Of course I'm praying for this entire pregnancy from beginning to end, which I hope will be a long time, but thanking God for THIS day and the answered prayer of today alone gives me comfort.

So, for now we are still waiting and hoping. We're thankful for today and hopeful for tomorrow, and praying that each new day will bring us closer to bringing home a happy, healthy baby.

I'm keeping you all in my prayers. If I don't already know from your blogs or from e-mails, please let me know how I can pray for you!

Updates and Prayer Request

Hi friends,

It has been a busy summer for us so far, and even this month it seems we've witnessed much of life's ebb and flow. I wanted to give a few quick updates tonight since I'll be away from my computer for the next week or so.

~For the Independence Day weekend, we traveled out of state to meet our newest nephew for the first time. Nephew T was born back in April to Chuck's brother and his wife. He is just adorable, and we had such a good time getting to know him. I'll have to ask his parents if I can share a photo with you here on the blog so you can see his big blue eyes!

~Last week my sister and her boys (Nephews A & N) came from Louisiana to stay with us. We had a great fun-filled week together. Now that the boys are both in school and my sis is teaching again, I'm sure we will really look forward to summertime with them each year. We mostly spent lots of time at home, playing video games and board games and reading books. I love climbing into their bed each night for story time while they are visiting. As a lover of books myself, it makes me very happy that they both love to read and listen to stories.
The coolest thing we did was watch this week's launch of the space shuttle Endeavour on the big screen at Johnson Space Center. At ages 8 and 6, the boys are finally old enough to really enjoy having an uncle who works at NASA. We were so glad to hear them say how "awesome" it was!

~This week I will be spending some time with my family in Louisiana. Early this morning, we got word that my uncle had passed away in a car accident during the night. If you wouldn't mind, please remember my family in your prayers. I know it will be a tough week for my mom as she buries her older brother.
Being with my mom this week means that I will have no Internet connection. I'll miss being in touch with my blog pals, but as always, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. I'll be eager to catch up with all of you when I get home!

Stacey

On Mother's Day...

I didn't feel that incredible sense of sadness like I normally do.

I didn't think very much about how many years I have spent waiting for a child.

Something that weighs so heavily on my mind and heart almost every other day of the year did not upset me terribly on Mother's Day, of all days.

We were not able to spend the day with either of our moms this year. We had seen my in-laws recently, and they had other weekend travel plans. We'll see my mom next week during our vacation together. It was okay that we couldn't be together with them today.

What in the world did we do, then? Chuck and I stayed overnight at his sister's house to celebrate her birthday (which is tomorrow). We had a nice dinner out, stayed up late visiting, slept in, played games together, and did some shopping. We had fun! We were busy, and I really wasn't sad all day.

Amazingly, it was Mother's Day and I didn't cry...

Until we got home and I found a bouquet of flowers left at my front door by a beautiful friend from church. She had filled a little apple juice bottle with water and put the flowers in it so they would keep until we got home. It was adorable and so sweet. Okay, so I had to wipe away a few tears then.

After having been away from my computer all day, I then checked my email. There I found the sweetest notes of love and encouragement from two of my blog pals. One took a moment away from her own special day with her daughter to write a note to me. You see, she also knows loss. The other knows what it is like to yearn for a baby for years and years. She knows what this wait feels like. Despite their own struggles, these precious friends sent words that really spoke to my heart and reminded me that I, too, am a mother. I had to wipe away a few more tears.

There was another email from a dear friend of mine. I've known her since elementary school. She is a beautiful, single woman in her thirties, who understands how isolating a holiday like Mother's Day can be for me. Like she shared with me today, she is all too familiar with those feelings when Valentine's Day comes around. What a difficult day that is for so many singles who would love to be a couple. She reminded me that others can relate to what I feel, even when their situation is different.

I found yet another email from a friend I haven't seen in about 13 years. We worked as counselors at a summer camp together all those years ago. We recently got back in touch through Facebook, and she knows my general situation. She has beautiful children of her own. I'm so humbled that she would remember me. I was so touched that she would write, because she realized it might be a hard day. My tears continued.

Heaven only knows how many wonderful friends and relatives have remembered us today, and how many have mentioned our names in their prayers on Mother's Day. I know there are others who have shown their support in the days leading up to today. Another precious friend has been praying for me all week even while she is missing her mother so badly this time of year. I'm afraid of leaving someone out, but each gesture meant so much to me no matter how small it might have seemed to the giver.

I hadn't cried a single tear today until I was able to see how much people cared. I had to give in to a few tears, but they were the happy kind. I couldn't hold them in any longer!

Although I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about my own infertility and loss today, I did think about all of my special friends. I do know that Mother's Day is a hard day for a lot of people for many reasons. Many of you mourn your children or your mothers. Some of you grieve for the children you wish you could conceive. Some understand what it's like to wait for something you deeply desire (and what it's like to have a holiday that reminds you of it). And some simply care about the hurts of others around them and aren't afraid to reach out. Whether you are mothers or not, I'm grateful for the amazing women that you are!

If you thought of us or prayed for us today, I thank you. And I really didn't mind the tears.

Busyness

Sometimes my husband and I joke that we run a bed and breakfast. We do love to have house guests, so it is not meant as a complaint. April has turned out to be one of those months at our house, and honestly it has been nice for me to have a distraction from the daily gloom that had settled around here.

In the past two weeks we've had three sets of company. Although Texas observed spring break several weeks ago, most people in Louisiana had theirs last week or the week before. After a visit from my sister-in-law for Easter, my sister (who teaches 2nd grade) and nephews came during the next week for their break from school. This week my in-laws were here for a few days during their spring break (my mother-in-law is an elementary school librarian). It has been a nice few weeks of family visits, but I must admit that I was worn out! After seeing the last car off on Wednesday morning, I crawled back into bed and slept for an additional three hours despite the fact that some neighbors were getting a new roof. With the help of some earplugs I was able to catch up on some much-needed rest!

This week the weather here has been gorgeous after what I've been calling the Storm of the Century. Last Saturday we got more rain than I have ever seen here in the past 8 years, hurricanes and tropical storms included. In a matter of about 3 hours, my town was drenched with nearly 12 inches of rain! I've never seen our yard hold that much water, but fortunately we were never in fear of the house flooding.

Water in the backyard (the white shed is still tarped after damage from Hurricane Ike)

It became quite an eventful trip home from Tar.get, however, for my sister and me. We had to try several alternate routes home due to flooded roads, and we were both pretty nervous by the time it was over! I learned a few things about our coping mechanisms, though. My way of handling the situation was to call Chuck and tell him that I didn't know what to do. My sis repeated "Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh" each time we had to navigate through streets covered with swirling water of unknown depths! I know we both uttered some frantic "Lord, save me" prayers (a la Peter in Matthew 14), and thankfully we finally made it home without getting stranded!

Water in the front/side yard

Finally, it has taken a couple of days to get caught up with reading blogs again but I think I'm mostly updated. I was amazed at how much I had missed in a mere 7 days. I have been praying especially for those blog friends who have experienced heartbreaking losses over the last few days, and I continue to pray for those who still wait. You guys are never far from my thoughts! Thanks again for all of the awesome comments and support.

Holding On

I've been struggling with a question lately. Well, that's an understatement. It seems that daily I struggle with innumerable questions. The latest one, though, is this: Am I depressed?

Like many of you, I use blogging as a form of therapy. It is definitely not always easy to think about and communicate all of the feelings I have about infertility and loss. It's difficult, but writing about it and getting it all out there does help some. Something interesting about it, though, is the passage of time. It feels like the minutes, hours, and days are so slow that you almost feel like you're moving backwards. But somehow, after you trudge along in slow motion with your head down for what feels like forever, you look up and realize that years have passed. Not a couple of years. Not even just a few years. Seven or eight years -- almost a decade of hoping, wondering, worrying, trying, failing, grieving, and finally letting yourself hope again. The cycle is endless, with reminders every month that nothing has changed.

Something is different for me lately. While it is certainly true that every miscarriage is utterly devastating, there have been a couple that had an even greater impact.

The first one was so unexpected. I thought, "Is this really happening to me?"

The second was so much like the first. I realized there might be something wrong.

The third told me that something definitely wasn't right but I was sure that with some help we could fix it.

The fourth miscarriage sent me into complete despair. I was so sure this was it and we'd made it so far. Our baby was growing and developing and had a great heartbeat. We were so hopeful and then all was lost.

After the fifth I began to go numb, and after the sixth I was heartbroken and still haven't "recovered" more than two years later.

I really can't explain why the last one has left me feeling that I'm down for the count, but I know that something in me is changed. At first I thought that in the months it took me to grieve, maybe I had just developed some bad habits. I couldn't get motivated to do anything. I didn't want to go anywhere or see anyone. I ate a lot of food that wasn't good for me. I didn't want to cook. I didn't even want much to do with my favorite activities, unless it involved getting lost in a book or a movie for a few hours so I might have a distraction. I began to rely more and more on my husband to take care of things and to try to cheer me up.

I wish I could tell you that I was that way for a few months two years ago and now I've put myself back together, but I'm afraid things really haven't changed at all. I can't believe that it has been this long and I can't seem to get a hold on things. Although I am sad, it's not just sadness. At the same time, it's not completely crippling. It's something that I don't know how to name. Is it depression? Not just "It's a dreary day today and I feel depressed," but Depression with a capital D. I'm not too proud to admit that it may be. Although I have no real experience with it, I think I need to own up to what's going on. I know that I'm a joyful person. I love to laugh. I'm not lazy or reclusive. I like being with people. I want to enjoy my life. I don't want to be controlled by my circumstances, and I'm tired of feeling like I have no control over my emotions.

It has been gradual but I've been realizing that I'm not quite myself, and I really want to make that better. I know that unfortunately I can't just snap my fingers and make it happen. I'm not asking for advice so much as encouragement and your prayers. As much as I hate this feeling that I'm just barely holding on, I can't help but try to remain hopeful. After all, I'd rather be here barely holding on to Jesus than anything else.

Pregnancy and Blogging

Pretty soon it will be a year that we've been trying for pregnancy number seven. I don't know an exact date; I just remember that it was last year in late spring/early summer that we started trying again. My last pregnancy ended in miscarriage back in January of 2007. After a surgery in 2008 we were given approval to try for another pregnancy. I am not by any means complaining about how long a year is. I know that so many of you have tried for much longer than that and I would never want to be insensitive about that.

I have not yet had the experience of blogging during a pregnancy. It crosses my mind sometimes and I wonder how I would handle it. As you know, the beginning stages of pregnancy are not easy times for me. They are fraught with uncertainty and fear. As much as I desire to be very open on this blog, another part of me has become very guarded. Living through even one failed pregnancy where you've had to "take back" the announcement will do that to you. Living through multiple losses tends to steal away the joy of those first few weeks and months of pregnancy. It is absolutely heartbreaking to let the word get out and then have to go back and tell family and friends that it's over. My poor husband has made more of those phone calls than he'd care to recall. The last couple of times we have kept our news mostly to ourselves for as long as we can. I know that not everyone is the same but for us it just became easier. We weren't trying to hide anything. We were protecting ourselves from additional hurt.

Sometimes we hear people criticize that method. They say that it's better to tell all and have people praying for you along the way. While I wholeheartedly believe in the power of prayer, I also know that we have many friends and family members who pray for us constantly! I've had reminders just this week from dear friends who are praying for us. They don't need to know the latest news in order to pray. The Lord knows where we are. Yes, there are times when there is a specific need and God leads us to share with certain people for prayer and support. Those times are important, but I consider all of those prayers spoken on our behalf every day to be equally important. Without them I don't know how I would have made it this far.

It's hard to predict how much I might choose to share right away on this blog if we are able to have another pregnancy. Already it's not a place where I share specific cycle dates or daily numbers. I don't oppose others who do that, but I've never felt that it is the purpose of this particular blog. That is partly because I know myself, and I know that I would too easily obsess about those figures. I write here about loss, trials, and faith, and all of the feelings and experiences that I've had with infertility and miscarriage. That's exactly what I want this blog to be if I make it to the other side of this, but it has been so important for me to write this out in the middle of this trial and not just after it is over! Even if I make it to motherhood I want these words to minister to those who wait, as many blogs have done for me. I'm not the kind of person who can have something like this touch my life for a season and then brush myself off and move on when the trial is over. I believe that our hardships shape and mold us along the way and we always bear the scars of them. Not in a bad way, but just as reminders of where we've been and how we've arrived at the places we are now. After all, scars only form after healing has taken place.

Even if we don't agree about how early to share pregnancy news, I hope that you'll be patient with me. For now, nothing has changed and we still try month after month with hope that our situation could change. I'm still waiting but I know that the Lord is working. I know that He is using this time for His purposes. Even though I don't like it, I'm willing to let Him lead. It's hard and it hurts sometimes. I still grieve every day, but there is joy and there is hope!

Perspective

This week I began a Bible study of the book of Philippians. As you know, I'm constantly fighting off my hermit tendencies. I'm usually hesitant to make a new weekly commitment that involves getting out of the house. Yes, I know how awful that sounds but it's totally true. I know that not everyone going through infertility/RPL reacts this way, but as I've read over the past few months, many of you do. I'm comfortable at home and I feel safe and protected here. I was interested in joining the study, though, so I sent off for the book. When it came in the mail I noticed the title and subtitle on the cover: Philippians: How to have joy no matter what. I knew right then that I'd made the right decision and that this study is right where I need to be.

Philippians is short little book in the New Testament, a brief letter from Paul to the people at Philippi. It's only four chapters long and I'm about to study those four chapters for 16 weeks! I hope that in a few months I'll know its principles pretty well. Today was our first day to meet for the group study and already I'm optimistic about a change in my perspective. Now, I don't presume to tell you that reading those four chapters and studying them will take away all of the pain of IF! I've made a promise to be honest on this blog, and to share the ups and downs along this journey. But for years now I've struggled with letting my circumstances control my life. Sometimes we have very little control over what happens in our lives and the situations we must face. What I want my goal to be, however, is to find my joy in the Lord and not in my circumstances. Whether I have children or not, I want to have joy.

That doesn't mean that you'll always find a "happy, happy, joy, joy" message on this blog! There will still be bad days and I know this all too well. But I don't want to be ruled or controlled by my circumstances or my emotions. Just last night I was overwhelmed as I turned out the light to go to sleep. This is usually one of the most difficult parts of my day. It's quiet and there are no distractions. My mind wanders and I begin to let the weight of my problems take over. I was thinking about all of the pain and disappointment over all of these years, not just for myself but for so many of you as well. I thought about how strength and faith are very good things, but if I could have chosen to skip this horrible experience altogether, I would have. I thought of how unfair it is and how robbed I feel; of hundreds of dollars of doctor visits and pregnancy tests and lab work; and of course, the loss of my children that I'll never get to see on this earth.

All of those thoughts were rolling around in my head and I began to feel hopeless and sad and old. I cried a few tears and then I began to do the only thing I knew to do. I prayed until I fell asleep, and this morning I went to a Bible study about a man who was imprisoned for preaching about his Savior, and yet remained joyful. As he wrote, he continued to rejoice "for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death." (Phil. 1: 19-20)

I encourage you to read the book of Philippians again if it has been a while, or maybe for the first time. For the next few months I hope to learn nearly every word of it by heart. I know things will still be very hard sometimes, but I'm seeking a change in my perspective. I don't want to let circumstances or people rob me of the joy that exists in knowing Christ. He is my joy - not my future with or without children.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4)

The Little Things

Yesterday we finally got our kitchen remodel started. I know, it's pretty crazy to be doing this right before Christmas. We've been waiting for so long to get it started so we figured now is as good a time as any. I'll be posting some before and after pics once we finally get it all completed, most likely after the new year. Needless to say it's pretty crazy around here. I've never seen my house decorated for Christmas and yet so messy and cluttered at the same time! Oh, I can't wait to have it all done.

Today at lunch time I was sitting here in a rather chilly house (I guess I hadn't really bothered to heat the place up since it's just me here) waiting to hear from Chuck about lunch plans. He works about 10 minutes away from home so we usually eat together. It's actually a tradition we started with our last pregnancy two years ago. He started coming home at lunch to check on me, oh yeah, and bring me food! We've just kept it up even though some days it's not really practical. We like it though. It's nice for us both to have that midday break and do some catching up.

Anyway, today he came home with food - which was a really good thing considering the state of our kitchen! He walked in the door with piping hot chicken pot pies and wrapped me up in his toasty zip-up sweater he'd been wearing. We enjoyed our "picnic" lunch in the living room and chatted about our day so far: he talked about the upcoming Christmas party at work and I talked about all of your blogs I'd been reading this morning. Pretty standard activity around here, but those little things just warmed my heart today and made me realize that it really doesn't take a whole lot to lift a person's spirits.

I know that many of you are going through a hard time right now with the holidays and so many other things. You're all in my thoughts today and I've been spending lots of quiet moments praying for you lately. Feel free to leave any prayer requests here in the comments or email me at any time. I love hearing from you and I'm always here.

In Other News

Tomorrow we are leaving to spend time with our families for Thanksgiving. We will go see my in-laws first and then head to my sister's house. We love that we get to see both sides of the family for the holidays! Yes, it will be a good chunk of time in the car but we've got our favorite Christmas music ready to go. I have decided to stay all next week at my mom's house to spend time with her. It has been a long time since I've been able to do that and I'm looking forward to it. I joked with her that it will be like returning to the Stone Age - she doesn't own a computer, and I can't get a cell phone signal at her house!

As much as I will miss reading all of your blogs for the next week and a half, it will be kind of nice to spend some quiet time in the country. I have packed several books that have been on the nightstand waiting to be read. I plan on at least starting Brisingr by Christopher Paolini (book 3 in the Eragon or Inheritance series) and/or The Host by Twilight author Stephenie Meyer. Speaking of Twilight, I'm finally going to see the movie this weekend! I haven't gone yet because my mom, sister, brother and I had agreed to wait and see it together. After hearing a few mixed reviews from friends, I can't wait to go check it out for myself.

I will be eager to catch up with all of you when I get home. Please know you will all be in my prayers next week. I plan on keeping a prayer journal just for you while I'm away. I'm thankful for you guys!

One final note: please pray for my husband's grandmother and the whole family. She is not doing well at all and we fear it may be a very hard time this weekend. Your prayers would mean so much to us!

What a Friend

I have been really struggling lately to work on my prayer life. Sometimes when I'm faced with a painful circumstance I tend to clam up and try my very best to get through it alone. I don't want to do that. We have the amazing ability to give our burdens to Jesus and talk to God directly in prayer, even if we don't always choose to do it. He wants to be a part of our happy times and our sad times. When I've been neglecting Him for a while there comes a time when I feel Him calling me back. I'm learning to rely fully on God but I still need reminders. I guess I'm stubborn like that.

The other day I heard a familiar hymn at church. Do you love old hymns as much as I do? I also love to hear the stories behind why they were written. What a Friend We Have in Jesus was written in 1855 by Joseph M. Scriven. He wrote the song specifically for his mother, "to comfort her in a time of special sorrow." Scriven had certainly known grief and loss in his life, leaving his homeland of Ireland to immigrate to Canada. Later he lost his fiancee just before they were supposed to be married. His hymn is so positive and sweet, you might never know it was born out of tragedy. It reminds us over and over again to take everything to the Lord in prayer.

What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.

Watching and Waiting (For Something Other Than a Baby)

Watching and waiting... and worrying.

Some of you don't know that I've lived my whole life near the Gulf of Mexico. I grew up in Southern Louisiana and now I live in Southeast Texas. Right now we are in the middle of hurricane season and the tension is palpable. I never lived near New Orleans and my family for the most part was not affected by the much-heard-about Hurricane Katrina in August of 2005. The very next month, however, it was Hurricane Rita that caused us to evacuate. Our area turned out fine, but we housed my sister's family for a while after a tree landed on their home in Louisiana. It took months for them to get their house repaired and many towns in that area still don't quite look the same three years later.

My mom always told the story of watching Hurricane Audrey from her window in 1957 when she was a girl. My in-laws had to wrap up their wedding reception pretty quickly in 1969 to flee from Hurricane Camille. I personally remember my high school being used as a shelter in 1992 for Hurricane Andrew. These stories have been told in our family for years and years.

Hurricanes here are a part of life. We don't like them, but they aren't going to drive us away from the places we've always called home. I realize that many parts of the United States and other countries are susceptible to some form of natural disaster. I try to tell myself that at least with a hurricane we usually have enough warning to protect ourselves.

So far this year we have only dealt with Tropical Storm Edouard, which fortunately did not turn out to be a big deal for us. Our newest possible threat is Gustav. For the next few days we'll be keeping a close eye on him out there in the tropics. Each year during hurricane season people around here get a little nervous, but when there's a storm forming out there the anxiety increases.

At my house in the next few days you'll find us watching the Weather Channel and consulting with family and friends about what might develop. Please remember us down here in the Gulf Coast area and pray that we don't have another disaster on our hands.

"He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:29-30 (NIV)

Out of the Mouths of Babes

I'm sure if you have children you're used to hearing surprisingly insightful things come out of their mouths from time to time. I often have these "wow moments" with my sweet nephews, now ages 7 and 5. Recently the younger one left an impression on me that I can't forget about.

Both of the boys are accustomed to saying prayers before bed and before meals. The 5-year-old especially will be the first to speak up if someone takes a bite and has forgotten to ask the blessing! He prays sweet little prayers that include each family member and all of their illnesses and hurts. A few weeks ago when they were staying at our house I noticed he was still praying for God to help my mom's back 8 months after her surgery. I know it is not uncommon for him to mention us in his prayers. But I was so touched after my sister told me that when he prays aloud at home he always prays that I will have a baby.

Here's the part that gets me. I have heard that child pray dozens of times and I have never heard him say that.

I love that there is something in his 5-year-old-brain that says, "I won't mention this in front of them. I'll just keep it between me and God." When he is with us he just leaves that part out. It's like his little secret with God. I know he's never been told to do that. Obviously I would have been very touched to ever hear that prayer come out of his mouth. But I'm even more affected by his discretion. Kids aren't clueless. I know that he and his brother both recognize that they've got several cousins on their dad's side. I'm sure they've noticed that on their mom's side they are the only children. I appreciate that unlike most adults they don't feel compelled to ask us about that.

One of the many things I grieve about is that my children won't get to grow up with my sister's children. My nephews seem so big to me now, and it seems like forever ago that we had a baby in the family. I hope that my future children will develop a special relationship with their older cousins, just as I was in awe of my cousin Tony who was about 6 years older and seemed like the coolest guy I knew.

It's amazing what we can learn from a child. And I think it's pretty neat to have secrets that only God and I know.