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Friday, February 5, 2010

Comments

It has been great to bring you some pretty positive posts lately, and I have really enjoyed sharing these small victories with you so far! Let me say, too, that I know what it's like to wait when it seems that everyone around you is moving ahead. The fact that so many of you come here to support us and offer your encouragement even during your own struggles really touches my heart in a way I could never describe. Your comments and prayers are so precious to me, as are the ones from friends who have been where we've been, and from friends and family who have not but have invested in our story and our lives. We are so thankful for you guys during every single step of this journey. In these very anxious and uncertain days, it means so much to have you standing with me. It even gives me strength to know that if we found ourselves at the very bottom again, you'd still be there to pray for us. That is truly invaluable to us right now. I am grateful for every single one of your comments!

Thankfully, the good is really outweighing the bad when it comes to support and encouragement. But oh yes, the bad is still there, and I hope you won't mind if I just vent for a moment. There are still those whose intentions I know aren't bad, yet they still manage to say things that just get under my skin. I've been here many times before and I know that so many of you have, too! What is it that makes people say these things?

This week I called one of my relatives to tell him our news. After our last two appointments showed really good progress, I felt it was time to let him know as he was really the only close family member we hadn't told yet. (By the way, yes, this is early for us to be telling a lot of people, but so many of our family and close friends read the blog that I knew if I put it out here, we would have to make the decision to go ahead and tell certain people.) So, I called my relative and after a few minutes I found myself talking to his wife, which was definitely not what I would have chosen. And just as I thought would happen, she began telling me that all I needed to do was think positive thoughts and have enough faith that this was going to happen and everything would be just fine.

I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I tried to explain to her that we were hopeful and that we were very happy to have received such good news so far, but that we still had a long way to go at this point. I'm only 7 weeks into this, I said. She just wasn't hearing it. There is nothing more frustrating than someone who won't even hear you out because they are so determined to get their agenda across! Never mind the suggestion that my failure to do this six times before might have something to do with how little faith I had or how my thoughts just weren't happy enough.

I don't think anything gets under my skin worse than a comment that makes an infertile person feel like their condition, or their losses, were their fault. I'll be the first person to admit that my faith is sometimes weak. Sometimes I struggle with trusting that there is a bigger picture that I may not see at the time. Sometimes I can be negative; I can let what has happened in the past scare me into thinking that this can never work and we will never succeed. Just today, even after being on such a high after yesterday's ultrasound, I found myself letting doubt creep in. I felt totally overwhelmed because of the amount of time that is ahead of us. I just wanted to hit the fast forward button! The idea of myself walking around with a big, pregnant belly and then holding a living baby in our arms seems like it is so far out of our reach and a million years away. But I really don't think that's a faith problem. I think it's a human problem.

We have memories. We do have a past. And while I think it isn't healthy to let what happened in the past control our emotions, we are still human. I wish I did have a memory that was as deep as the ocean. But I don't. I can't help but remember the babies I've lost, and frankly, while I wish it never happened in the first place, I really don't want to forget them. The experiences I've had have changed me and changed my perspective about so many things. That is something I wouldn't want to trade at this point. We've come so far, and sometimes I think you can only recognize how far you've gone by looking back at where you've been.

It's great to have faith that this pregnancy will work out and it's great to think positive thoughts. But ultimately, I'm not in control of my child's life or death. I'm leaving that in the Lord's capable hands, and I will pray every day for this child to make it. That's what I wish I would have said to the person on the phone. Trying to remain positive in the face of where we've been is a challenge, but I personally think we are doing okay with what we have and where we are.

Okay. I think I'm done with the soapbox for now! Thanks for letting me vent. :)

*************

Finally, to end on a much sweeter note, I want to tell you something very cute that my darling nephews said. When their mom, my sister, showed them our ultrasound picture from yesterday (which I had e-mailed to her upon strict orders), they both agreed that it was definitely a girl because they've both "always wanted a baby sister."
How precious are they? First of all, what 7- and 9-year-old boys want a sister?! And how adorable is it that they would consider our child more like a sibling than a cousin? It truly gave me the warm fuzzies to hear that, and you know, that even makes up for the dumb comments that I know we'll continue to hear every now and then. Man, I love those kids!

17 comments:

Mrs.Spit said...

I'm sorry. Those thoughtless words are usually about making the giver feel better, and not about anything to do with you.

Faith will and does make it easier. Babies don't die because their mum's didn't have enough faith. Neither do they live.

Babies die because we live in a fallen world. God's grace gets us through this world until we see them again in the next.

Still praying.

Jess said...

If positive thoughts produced children then I would have had 20 of them by now!!! Yes, trying to have faith and remain positive are good things, but not essential to God having His will in our lives. Honestly, people just want to find something "helpful" to say. I just wish that it would be "congrats, I am so happy for you" and leave it at that. Or for the bad times "I am sorry. I am praying for you."

So cute about your nephews!!! Very sweet, especially for boys. =D

TRS said...

I totally understand your frustration with your relative's wife.

I relate it to how people tell me - the almost 40 year old single woman who finds herself alone. again.

All the; "You're going to find someone." or "So-and-so had a baby when she was 45 (42) (47) (insert number here)."

Bah! I'm not talking about anyone else's life - I'm talking about mine!
And if every man I've ever dated wasn't the one - how can realistically assume that some guy around the corner might be?!?!? It sounds crazy!!

So in my own way - I understand.

Sharon said...

Stacey, I hear you and I agree with you. There was nothing that annoyed me more than having people pooh pooh my very real fears at the possiblity of another miscarriage! I know people mean well but we also need to have our feelings and fears heard.
I understand your mixed emotions completley and am here if you need to talk!

Kathryn said...

I do understand the frustration. (I had someone tell me the chronic illness i fight was because i don't trust God enough. So glad she didn't know about our infertility!)

I haven't commented much, partly because that is my tendency. Also if i find a large number of comments i tend not to add my voice to the crowd.

I think you will understand, too, when i say i'm excited & hopeful for you. With every cell in me i deeply desire that this child continues to grow & bless your family. But i'm also struggling with the sadness that my husband & i will never have this. You know i love you & deeply hope & pray for your blessing, but i may be silent.

When we were pregnant, we decided to share our excitement with friends & family because, even tho the outcome was uncertain, if they only heard of it after wards they would never be able to share in our joy. I know each family (& possibly each pregnancy) is different, but that was our choice that time.

Continuing to pray & think happy thoughts for you. :)

Noelle said...

Thank you for writing this post. I feel the exact same way. When someone tells me to just be positive this time, it makes me feel like I wasn't last time. Like it was my fault that I lost the baby. I think that our world is saturated with the "positive thinking" movement. The "Se.cret" mentality that if you will it to happen, it will happen. Currently, there are so many people out there doing seminars and making money off of telling people that if they want it bad enough, it will happen for them. I think that this totally negates who God is. He is the ultimate decider of our outcomes. Lately I have been looking for a good comeback to the "just think positive" comments from my friends and family. It drives me insane, and it hurts because of my loss. I want to do it in a way that is not offensive, but I want them to know that it is not okay to say those things to me.

Hmmm...you really got me thinking...I pray that this baby is your little miracle.

twondra said...

Awww, your nephews are sooo sweet! It brought tears to my eyes.

I'm so sorry about your relative. How awful. You're amazing to stay so strong through it all.

Love you girl. You're always in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))

Jennifer said...

People like that annoy me too! Ugh!! I love what your nephews said...makes me smile.

A said...

I am so sorry about your relative's wife! That is crazy, and I am glad that you feel surrounded by loved ones who ARE sensitive to you and your fears and hopes!!

I left you an award on my blog!

Anonymous said...

I didnt battle infertility but many of the same comments made to you are made to us about our daughters chronic illness and Yes they are insensitive and they hurt. Hang in there-so happy about your good news so far.

Connie said...

Of course she would be their sister, since you are practically their mother. :) Those kids love you more than you could ever know. XOXO

I know how frustrating that phone call was for you. I am so sorry you had to deal with that.

Joylene Green said...

Sending hugs for the annoying comments.
So happy happy for you to see and hear baby's heartbeat recently!

Jennifer said...

Stacey...I gave you a blog award. Check out my blog for details! :)

Michelle said...

I hate people like that too. Well said!

You have an award on my blog!!!
xoxoxoxox
Love you~Michelle

Jenni / Jennifer Saake a.k.a. InfertilityMom said...

I just happened along your blog this morning and wanted to say how very sorry I am to read of your babies who went to Heaven ahead of you. Praying peace for your heart to delight in each day God blesses you to share with this newest miracle. {{{hugs}}}

jenni saake
author, Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage and Adoption Loss (NavPress)

Idgie said...

I'm sorry you had to deal with the comments and the feelings that ensued. Some people just don't understand unless (until) they've walked a mile in our shoes.

I understand the struggling with faith, as you know from reading my blog, I'm quite new to actually feeling that I have faith to rely on. It doesn't make the worries or problems or struggles go away. But, I personally feel a little less alone knowing that God cares about me and what I'm going through no matter how insignificant it may seem to others, or how insignificant they want to make it seem.
Praying for you.

Ro-bear said...

Hey Stace, thanks for always so honestly sharing your thoughts. I truly believe that you have a great ministry here, mainly because of your openness. Not just to those that are going through the same or similar situations as you and Chuck (and that's the most important group you minister to), but also to those of us who admittedly find it harder to relate and sometimes don't know how to respond. Your blog helps me strive to learn how to respond appropriately and sensitively, and not just give up and let a friendship dwindle.

Our best friends here are at about the same stage in pregnancy as you after losing their first two in the past year and a half. We anxiously await being able to rejoice with all four of you in about 7 months and will be praying for you throughout.