It has been great to bring you some pretty positive posts lately, and I have really enjoyed sharing these small victories with you so far! Let me say, too, that I know what it's like to wait when it seems that everyone around you is moving ahead. The fact that so many of you come here to support us and offer your encouragement even during your own struggles really touches my heart in a way I could never describe. Your comments and prayers are so precious to me, as are the ones from friends who have been where we've been, and from friends and family who have not but have invested in our story and our lives. We are so thankful for you guys during every single step of this journey. In these very anxious and uncertain days, it means so much to have you standing with me. It even gives me strength to know that if we found ourselves at the very bottom again, you'd still be there to pray for us. That is truly invaluable to us right now. I am grateful for every single one of your comments!
Thankfully, the good is really outweighing the bad when it comes to support and encouragement. But oh yes, the bad is still there, and I hope you won't mind if I just vent for a moment. There are still those whose intentions I know aren't bad, yet they still manage to say things that just get under my skin. I've been here many times before and I know that so many of you have, too! What is it that makes people say these things?
This week I called one of my relatives to tell him our news. After our last two appointments showed really good progress, I felt it was time to let him know as he was really the only close family member we hadn't told yet. (By the way, yes, this is early for us to be telling a lot of people, but so many of our family and close friends read the blog that I knew if I put it out here, we would have to make the decision to go ahead and tell certain people.) So, I called my relative and after a few minutes I found myself talking to his wife, which was definitely not what I would have chosen. And just as I thought would happen, she began telling me that all I needed to do was think positive thoughts and have enough faith that this was going to happen and everything would be just fine.
I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I tried to explain to her that we were hopeful and that we were very happy to have received such good news so far, but that we still had a long way to go at this point. I'm only 7 weeks into this, I said. She just wasn't hearing it. There is nothing more frustrating than someone who won't even hear you out because they are so determined to get their agenda across! Never mind the suggestion that my failure to do this six times before might have something to do with how little faith I had or how my thoughts just weren't happy enough.
I don't think anything gets under my skin worse than a comment that makes an infertile person feel like their condition, or their losses, were their fault. I'll be the first person to admit that my faith is sometimes weak. Sometimes I struggle with trusting that there is a bigger picture that I may not see at the time. Sometimes I can be negative; I can let what has happened in the past scare me into thinking that this can never work and we will never succeed. Just today, even after being on such a high after yesterday's ultrasound, I found myself letting doubt creep in. I felt totally overwhelmed because of the amount of time that is ahead of us. I just wanted to hit the fast forward button! The idea of myself walking around with a big, pregnant belly and then holding a living baby in our arms seems like it is so far out of our reach and a million years away. But I really don't think that's a faith problem. I think it's a human problem.
We have memories. We do have a past. And while I think it isn't healthy to let what happened in the past control our emotions, we are still human. I wish I did have a memory that was as deep as the ocean. But I don't. I can't help but remember the babies I've lost, and frankly, while I wish it never happened in the first place, I really don't want to forget them. The experiences I've had have changed me and changed my perspective about so many things. That is something I wouldn't want to trade at this point. We've come so far, and sometimes I think you can only recognize how far you've gone by looking back at where you've been.
It's great to have faith that this pregnancy will work out and it's great to think positive thoughts. But ultimately, I'm not in control of my child's life or death. I'm leaving that in the Lord's capable hands, and I will pray every day for this child to make it. That's what I wish I would have said to the person on the phone. Trying to remain positive in the face of where we've been is a challenge, but I personally think we are doing okay with what we have and where we are.
Okay. I think I'm done with the soapbox for now! Thanks for letting me vent. :)
Finally, to end on a much sweeter note, I want to tell you something very cute that my darling nephews said. When their mom, my sister, showed them our ultrasound picture from yesterday (which I had e-mailed to her upon strict orders), they both agreed that it was definitely a girl because they've both "always wanted a baby sister."
How precious are they? First of all, what 7- and 9-year-old boys want a sister?! And how adorable is it that they would consider our child more like a sibling than a cousin? It truly gave me the warm fuzzies to hear that, and you know, that even makes up for the dumb comments that I know we'll continue to hear every now and then. Man, I love those kids!