I Don't Know Why

Sometimes I find myself wondering about why things have gone the way they have on my fertility journey. Not that it's necessarily important for me to know all of the "whys" and such, but I can't help but wonder, you know?

I don't know why the years that I thought would be my young, child-bearing years (namely, my twenties) were fraught with so much difficulty. I never imagined that almost that entire decade of my life would be spent searching for answers and wondering why I couldn't carry a baby full-term. I don't know why, but my faith, my ability to hope, and my resolve were tested in ways that I'll never forget. I saw six positive pregnancy tests during those years but never gave birth to a living baby. I still have a lot of scars from that time in my life, both physical and emotional.

I don't know why, during that time, we had a few doctors who gave up on us. One fertility specialist shook her head in disbelief when an ultrasound revealed that our baby had died in the womb at 9 weeks. It was our fourth pregnancy and it had been going well. She said she didn't know how to help us anymore. Another doctor, my ob/gyn at the time, told me (over the phone, no less) that she didn't think I would ever have a biological child.

I was reading a novel recently where one of the characters was talking about an aunt and uncle who had never had children. She described them as having a closeness that only barren couples seem to have. I don't know why, but we were that couple. My husband became my best friend during those years, and the trial of recurrent pregnancy loss brought us together in a way that I don't think anything else could have. For all we knew, we were facing a future together, just the two of us, that may not ever include children. I think we both deeply felt that somehow, someday we would become parents, but there were many years of uncertainty. I do feel fortunate now, looking back, that we had 12 years of marriage together before our daughter arrived. During those years we grew and changed and matured in ways that I hope make us better parents than we might have been a decade ago.

After I turned 30, we faced three years of unexplained infertility. Sure, I was apprehensive about getting pregnant again after all that my twenties had held, but we had begun to hope again and were forced to wait. And I don't know why, after the waiting was over, our seventh pregnancy made it to the second trimester and then the third, and resulted in the birth of our precious daughter. The Lord changed my story in 2010, when I was 33 years old. I don't know why that was the right time, but I'm so thankful that it happened.

And now we are in the early stages of pregnancy number eight. I struggled with whether or not to write about it here before reminding myself that that's what this blog is for. It's really the only place I feel most comfortable sharing my deepest fears and my unbridled hopes. This is always, always a scary time for me. I'm asking you to walk with me again, if you're willing. Will you wait with me and pray for me? Will you pray with me that this baby will survive and hope with me that, instead of being our seventh in heaven, this will be our second baby on earth?

The details are that I got a positive pregnancy test on Sunday, March 25. I went in for blood work the following Tuesday, March 27. My beta level was 1384, so we had our first ultrasound scheduled for Thursday, March 29. We were able to see a gestational sac and it measured normally for 5 weeks, 1 day. My estimated due date is November 27, 2012. We will have another ultrasound in two weeks, on April 12. I'm hoping with all my heart that we will see a tiny baby with a healthy heartbeat.

We are a bit surprised, but very happy and very nervous. The fact that our most recent pregnancy was successful gives us a boost of confidence, but we know that each pregnancy is unique and different. We know there are no guarantees. We are not remotely ready to make any announcements, so please if you know me in real life or are my facebook friend, please keep this to yourself and don't share it with anyone else until we are comfortable enough to make it more public. Thanks for being understanding and for choosing to walk beside us again. I hope you know how much it means to us to have your support and prayers!

I don't know why we've been given another chance at this, but (deep breath)... here we are.

September Girl

In the days and weeks just after I had the baby last year, I found that there were lots of things I wanted to write about that never got written. Even with the extra help (my mom stayed for three weeks) I just couldn't pull myself together enough to sit for an hour and do it. Sure, it had a lot to do with the sweet, hungry baby who now lived under my roof, but mostly it was because of the way I felt. My c-section recovery was difficult and I really didn't feel remotely normal for probably the full six weeks. Because of all of that and all of the doctor's visits and running around I had to do when all I wanted was be home with my newborn, blogging was one thing I couldn't seem to get done in the rare, quieter moments.

It's still a struggle even though I think about at least once a day. It's hard to take the time to sit still and write out what's on my mind in any form that's longer than a facebook status (and, trust me, I'm not one of those who "puts it all out there" on facebook). And so today since my daughter, who prefers to be held and rocked for her entire nap time -- which I don't mind, by the way -- is actually napping in her bed, I want to share one of the stories that almost got lost in those early postpartum days last September.

A couple of years ago I wrote about a little figurine that I have, a keepsake from my childhood that my mother bought for me. It's a sweet porcelain girl in a yellow dress with January, my birth month, written across the front of the skirt. I'm not one of those people who has every toy she ever played with as a child or boxes and boxes full of fond memories from my childhood. There are just a few things I've managed to save, and January Girl is one that I truly treasure. I'm sure she wasn't very expensive, but we didn't have much when I was a child. Feeling nostalgic, since I first wrote about her I've been searching the Internet for the eleven others in the same line of Lefton china figurines. I can usually find them for around $15, and that's 30 years or so after they were made.

In the past two years I've collected nine in addition to the one I've had for as long as I can remember. They're not super easy to find, so it's been fun to search for them every few months when the thought crosses my mind and try to snatch one up when I see it on an eBay auction. This isn't something I'm proficient in, by the way. I'm not a big collector of things in general. I usually have my husband do my bidding (literally) since he's the one with the eBay and PayPal accounts in the first place. To date I lack only February and March and then my sentimental little collection will be complete.

Now, back to the story...

Almost a year ago I went in for my scheduled c-section early on the morning of September 21st. If you're reading this you probably know my story. We'd been praying for and hoping for the baby we were about to meet for nearly nine years. Seeing her face for the first time in that ice-cold operating room at 12:27 PM was a dream come true, my longing fulfilled.

Later that evening when we were finally alone, just the three of us, and still feeling swept up in the emotions of the day, my husband gave me a precious card and a small box. I couldn't imagine how he'd had the presence of mind to get me a gift in the midst of all of our preparations for the baby, but I wasn't really surprised. It's completely in his character to do such a thing. I opened the package and inside was the sweet little September Girl figurine, with a yellow dress just like my January Girl. He had searched and searched for her and paid more than three times what I normally pay after finding himself in a bidding war with another prospective buyer. He did it because this one, the September one, was important to me and he knew it was. It was one of the most thoughtful gifts he has ever given me.

I know that ultimately it's just a knickknack, but I love that he knew it would be special to have our daughter's birth month. And somehow he knew that sharing that simple childhood memory with her meant something to me. Lily will grow up seeing the same figurine on her dresser that was always on mine, and it's those kinds of things that work together to gradually fill the hole that recurrent miscarriage left in my heart during all those years of waiting, wondering, and loss.

I love seeing our matching January and September girls together at last. Each year as summer turns to fall, she'll have a place of honor in our home as we celebrate the birth of our real-live September girl.

Starting Again

I know you can read a lot into a title like that. No, it doesn't mean that we are trying to have a baby again. Not yet, anyway. I have no idea when that might be, but we would love to have another baby someday if the Lord should allow it to happen again. At this point, the thought of trying again still scares me.

Starting over is a tough thing. I've been thinking about it a lot this week for two reasons. First of all, last Sunday was cycle day one. That means that I got my period... for the first time since December 21, 2009. It was the start of my first cycle since the baby was born, and I'll admit it came as a bit of a surprise. I guess I wasn't completely shocked -- I am still nursing, but only about 3-4 times a day now that Lily is eating mostly baby food. I'd started feeling kind of crampy a couple of days before and wondered if maybe...? Then Sunday morning I woke up and there it was.

Starting again.

I had mixed feelings. Mostly I felt sad because it feels like my baby is growing so fast. But I also felt sad because of all that this monthly visitor signifies. It reminds me of months and years of heartache and disappointments. And in a way it means that my "time off" from not obsessing over infertility/miscarriage is over. Having a break from that has been... wonderful. It has been incredibly healing for my heart that the subject hasn't been at the forefront of my mind for the past year and a half. It's not that I haven't worried. Oh, I have. Being pregnant after six miscarriages was absolutely not worry-free for me. Once the baby was here, though, I was able to focus all of my energy on taking care of her, and that's what I've done for the past eight months. That's what I'll continue to do, of course, but now I feel those questions and concerns creeping back in.

The other reason that starting over has been on my mind is that we have an appointment with our RE (our fertility specialist, Dr. G) this week. We haven't seen him since the end of my first trimester with Lily. We were supposed to schedule a visit with him when she was about 3 months old, but it just never happened. Her 3-month mark was right around Christmas and time just got away from us, so here we are 5 months later, finally making the appointment. I really don't even know what to expect from this visit or what we'll discuss. It's not that I feel pressure to jump right in to trying again or anything like that. I'm fully aware that the ball is in our court here. The only pressure I feel right now is time. I know that if we do have another baby, it's best to try sooner rather than later. Certainly I realize that having this appointment doesn't mean we have to start that timeline immediately.

And maybe it sounds funny, but I even feel kinda ridiculous talking about having another baby sometimes. Not because we don't want it. We really, really do. We talk about it often and imagine it regularly. A sibling for Lily...

Still I can't forget that it took six babies in heaven before we ever had one to keep on earth. What might it take to have a second? Will we have to go through loss again before we have another successful pregnancy? And like the last time, I know that we won't know those answers until we try. That's the scary part.

But like the last time, and every time before, I'm trusting the Lord. He knows IF and WHEN and HOW. Those are the big things that I wonder when I entertain thoughts of having another baby -- If it will even happen at all, and if so, when? More importantly, how?

I don't know what the next steps are right now. I don't know what starting again will look like or whether I'm even ready to think about it yet. For now I just want to be right here where I am, looking back on how far we've come and enjoying the here and now.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Thirteen years married, and so much has happened since our wedding day. Those 13 years include 6 years of recurrent pregnancy loss followed by 3 years of infertility. And finally now, almost a whole year of parenthood. I feel so fortunate to have this man that God gave me walking beside me through all of it.

Happy anniversary to the sweetest, kindest, funniest, and most supportive man I know!

Our Anniversary Getaway

Thanks for all of the sweet anniversary wishes! We had a fantastic weekend away and I can't wait to tell you all about it and share some pictures.

When we were discussing where to spend the weekend, we knew that we wanted it to be someplace fairly close, within a short drive from home. The very next weekend we will be traveling six hours away to my husband's hometown, so we didn't want two long trips back-to-back. Truthfully, we haven't done much traveling within the state of Texas since moving here nine years ago. We decided to go less than two hours away to Brenham, Texas for the weekend. It seemed like a good choice: it's close, there are a few things to do but it can still be a lazy weekend, and we found this adorable place to stay (Tara Farms).

It turned out to be perfect for what we wanted our anniversary weekend to be! We left on Friday afternoon just before lunch and were in Brenham by 1 PM. We started out by touring the Blue Bell factory, something we've talked about doing since moving here. (Have people outside of the southern United States heard of Blue Bell ice cream?) It was a special treat for sure. The tour lasted about 45 minutes and ended with free ice cream! Can't beat that. :)


From there we headed out of town and into the country to Tara Farms. Let me tell you, we were pretty sure from the website that we would love the little cottage, but when we got there it just felt perfect. How adorable is this place?



The cottage is right next to the main house, but the B&B owners let you have complete privacy. The keys were waiting for us and the cottage was stocked with everything we could possibly need for the weekend, including muffins for breakfast and fresh fruit, juice, milk, coffee, snacks and then some. We absolutely loved the decor inside the cottage. It was a great place for a nice, quiet retreat.


We enjoyed our breakfasts in this little nook.


Besides the cozy bedroom and sitting areas, the cottage had a lovely bathroom with a nice, big tub for relaxing baths. Outside was just as cozy with beautiful landscaping and acres and acres of land all around.



We enjoyed sitting out on the porch rocking chairs and on the swings beneath the trees, and were visited frequently by birds, butterflies, and dragonflies.





Of course, among the many beautiful flowers we particularly enjoyed the lilies, which reminded us of our precious little Lily who is growing more and more each day.



Each day we enjoyed heading back into Brenham for food, antiquing, and shopping, but every evening we were happy to return to such a beautiful and welcoming spot in the country. We thoroughly enjoyed the many shops in town, the wonderful southern-style home cooking we found in various restaurants, and the time spent outdoors enjoying nature and indoors napping or catching up on some reading. In the evenings we loved soaking in a nice bubble bath and then settling in under the covers to watch a movie.

Saturday was the day we set aside to celebrate our anniversary. We exchanged cards and gifts over breakfast at the cottage. I included the letter that I wrote to Chuck here on the blog in his card. I'd kept it secret from him and we were both a little teary-eyed as he read it. I was surprised and delighted to receive my gift from him. I'm happy to report that the ring finger on my left hand is no longer naked! (You may remember that I haven't been able to wear my wedding/engagement set for a few months now.) He gave me a beautiful three-stone anniversary ring, which I love. That night we got dressed up and enjoyed a nice dinner at a local Italian restaurant. It was truly a perfect day all around!

During our shopping on Saturday we visited a furniture store for the sole purpose of "window shopping" but we found a lovely little dining table with four chairs and a bench that we just loved! Our dilemma was that we live two hours away and had not brought a delivery truck with us. :) The price was excellent, though, and we just couldn't pass it up. We asked an employee about delivery and were happy to hear that they deliver to Houston and beyond "all the time," and even happier to hear that the delivery is FREE! It was music to our ears, so we purchased it and can't wait to get it here. I think the new table will serve as a nice memory of our trip as well!

The cottage provided a wonderful weekend getaway for us to go and relax and enjoy being with each other. We had much to celebrate this weekend, including 12 years of marriage, reaching six months in this pregnancy, and answered prayer from a loving and faithful Lord.

A Letter to my Husband

(I'm writing this post on Thursday as Chuck and I are getting ready to head out of town Friday for the weekend. I'll schedule it to publish on Sunday, which is our 12th wedding anniversary. I'll write again next week and fill you all in on our weekend!)

To my dear husband,

How do I begin to say thank you for twelve wonderful years of marriage? Sometimes it feels as though we are still kids, just getting to know each other and loving every minute of it. Other times I think we are already a seasoned "old" couple who have been through so much together, know each other through and through, and still anticipate the years to come.

It hasn't always been smooth sailing since we said "I do." We had no way of knowing what was ahead, but I believed you that day when we held hands in front of God and family and friends and you spoke these words:

"I promise to forsake all others and cleave only to you. I promise to love, honor, comfort, and spiritually edify you. I take you from this day forth for better or for worse, in riches and in poverty, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part. I promise to pray for you, to live with you in an understanding way, and to forgive you as God has forgiven me. I promise to give myself to you as Christ gave himself for us, to fulfill my duty to you and to be your spiritual leader. Therefore I receive you as God's lovely gift to me."

You didn't know it would mean nine years of infertility, six babies in heaven, dozens of doctor visits and surgeries, and countless sleepless, tearful nights, but I know you would have been by my side no matter what came our way.

Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for never, ever doubting God's ability to move in our situation. Thank you for always believing that we could one day fulfill our dream of bringing home a baby and raising children. I don't know how you did that, but you never wavered. I think if you had I may have lost every ounce of hope, resolve, and courage that has gotten us to this place. I knew that you would support me if at any time I had reached my breaking point and thought we should quit trying. You always made that clear. But every time I asked if you thought this would work one day, you answered with a resounding YES. You didn't know how, but you believed. I don't know if you'll ever truly understand how much that meant to me and how it kept me going for so many years.

Thank you for showing me that beautiful, godly men who truly loved and were faithful to their wives and families really do exist. I used to seriously doubt that, but you have restored my faith in love, in marriage, and in commitment.

Now we're on the verge of a whole new adventure and I'm ready to jump in with both feet, thankful that I have the chance to do this with you! You've always told me that "we make a good team," and I can't wait to see what a great father you will be. I already know what a gentle, humble, kind heart you have. I'm eager to see how well you will adapt to being the father of a little girl who will love and appreciate you as much as I do. And oh, I know that she will be the apple of your eye!

We have twelve great, memorable years behind us now and a whole lifetime ahead. I love you and the husband God made you to be more and more every day! Happy Anniversary.




Love,
Stacey

Family of Two

That's what we've been for almost 12 years. A family of two. As much as we've wanted children and as hard as we've struggled to have them, I love my family of two.

I wish it could be that we'd chosen to spend 12 years of married life together, just the two of us, before deciding to have a child. I would much prefer looking back on those years without seeing the pain and loss we went through, but I know that having been through that, together, is part of what makes me so grateful for my husband and partner in all of the ups and downs of this life.

In all the years that we've tried to have children, I never liked to say that we were "trying to start a family." I'm not offended when others use those words to describe it, but I always preferred to say that we were hoping to add to our family. We already have a family! We have a family of two that began on June 6, 1998.

It has been a long journey together, and one full of waiting. Before my husband and I met, I'd never had a serious boyfriend. I grew up in a small town and spent my free time hanging out with my sister and my friends. My high school years were sometimes a bit lonely when I realized that most of my friends were dating or had steady boyfriends, but I was pretty content with waiting. Although I had a few crushes along the way, I somehow knew that I hadn't met my someone just yet. I prayed about it often, and I waited.

I met "Chuck" my freshman year of college. We started casually dating in January of 1996, and even though the relationship had become far more serious by the end of March, we knew that we would be spending the entire summer apart. He worked in Florida on a summer missions project and I went home to work as a camp counselor at a local Christian camp. It was a summer of waiting -- waiting to see if our relationship really had legs and was going somewhere. We wrote letters all summer, and on my last day of camp he sent me flowers with a note that read, "Anxiously waiting to see you again." I returned to school a little bit early before the fall quarter began so we could have some time to spend together before classes resumed. The end of that summer was when we kissed for the first time, a full six months after we'd started dating. (Talk about waiting!)

It wasn't long before we started talking about our future together. I waited another year before he proposed in August of 1997. We waited until he finished school and had been working for a few months before our wedding day in June of the following year. And yes, the whole time we dated and were engaged, we waited to be married before starting a sexual relationship. We were committed to that decision from the start and we have never regretted it.

That sounds like a lot of waiting already, but it was nothing compared to our next adventure. After three years of getting settled in as newlyweds, we waited nine long years for a baby. As you know, ours was also a journey through recurrent pregnancy loss. The wait was excruciating and the loss was great, but we made it through together. All these years later, I have never felt more sure that I made the right decision by marrying this man. The years have brought us closer together and made our love for each other so much stronger than I could have imagined.

I love this family that we've made. Scratch that. I love this family that GOD made. I plan to enjoy and make the best of these next four and a half months of being a family of two! It is the end of a chapter that, while it had many hard and heartbreaking times, taught us so much about who we are and who we want to be. We are both at a place where we are happy when we look back on our life together. We're even happier about putting an end to this particular season of waiting and moving forward with all the lessons we've learned and becoming a family of three.

We're walking into this next adventure hand in hand, having learned a lot about life and loss, and most of all, love.

On Sacrifice

If you know anything about me or have read very much of this blog, you know that I've been waiting a very long time to hold my child in my arms. Six times before we hoped that our prayers were being answered, only to watch helplessly as we went through one miscarriage after another. We still believe that God gave us those children, if only for a short time, even though it hurt so much that we never saw their faces, looked into their eyes, or even spoke their names.

In a little more than a month, my husband and I will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary. Twelve years equals a lot of date nights! Chuck and I have enjoyed lots of time together as a married couple. We've gone on vacations (a few of them spur-of-the-moment) and explored our hobbies and generally enjoyed our life together for quite a while now. In a few days it will be 9 years ago that we moved to our current location and I became a stay-at-home wife. Since I gave up working nearly a decade ago, I've indulged in staying up late and sleeping in, while still having plenty of time to get my housework done and maybe even watching an afternoon movie or spending a few hours on scrapbooking or reading. (The reason I gave up working, however, was to pursue having children. Those years of "staying home" were also filled with our efforts to become parents.)

I enjoy being home. I'm not the kind of person who needs someplace to go every day. My life right now is such that I spend quite a few hours at home in a very quiet house. I truly don't mind the quiet; I've grown used to it by now. Perhaps that sounds wonderful to some of you who may be reading this in a chaotic environment right now! But to tell you the truth, I'm ready for change. I'm ready for the laughter and cries of a little one. And while I'm not expecting the change to be simple or easy, I'm okay with giving up our frequent date nights and my full nights of sleep. Before you think I'm crazy or in denial about how hard life might be with a newborn, let me explain why.

I consider it nothing short of a miracle that we are 19 weeks into our 7th pregnancy. If God has intervened and heard my pleas and cries and granted us this miracle, this chance to finally hold our child in our arms, then I see these as small sacrifices on my part. While I've gotten settled into the life I've had thus far and found things that I enjoy doing during our years of waiting and grieving, I will gladly accept the change. The desire I feel right now to skip past this second half of pregnancy has everything to do with my eagerness to finally reach the point where the reward of our toil and suffering is placed in my arms. This baby girl has been prayed for and hoped for, and our journey to get to her has been the absolute hardest thing we have ever endured. I will carry those scars forever, and I am a different person because of what we've been through.

I'm not at all in denial about how challenging it will be to raise children. I admire those who do it and do it well despite all of its demands (and I appreciate those who speak honestly about the challenges of parenthood!). I don't doubt that this new chapter in our lives will stretch us and change us, but I know that this is what we've signed up for. This is what we've been waiting for and fighting for. Some people make it sound like I will never eat, sleep, have fun, go on vacation, participate in a hobby, or read a novel ever again. It's assumed by some that having a child will be the end of my life, so to speak, but I see it as the beginning of a new chapter that I've been striving for. I'm determined to focus on what we'll consider it an honor to be getting rather than what we may be giving up. I have too many dear friends who would gladly make the sacrifices necessary to realize their dream of having children for me to take anything for granted. Those who have lived through infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth understand sacrifice, too.

So, every time I mention a nap or a restful night's sleep, or enjoying a night in front of the TV, or a night out with my husband, and someone feels the need to remind me to "enjoy it while I can," I'll continue to smile to myself, knowing that I'm just passing the time until I have the privilege of sacrificing some of those things that have filled my years, kept my idle hands busy, and served as a distraction for my aching heart, in order to take care of a child that I always wanted but feared I'd never have.

And it will seem like such a small sacrifice indeed.

Just Before

It was 2001. I was 24 years old and had been married for 3 years. It was the year my husband and I decided to take a couple of huge steps. We were pretty young, but we knew our lives were about to change drastically.

He had accepted a new job in a new state and was leaving his hometown. I'd already left home when I went to college, and after marrying a local boy, his home became my home, too. We'd made lots of great friends there. His parents were there. We loved the town and the community and we were pretty comfortable there at the time, but we both agreed that the move was the right thing to do for our family of two. It was an amazing opportunity, one my husband wasn't even sure he was qualified for, but he interviewed anyway and got the job! He was going to be a software engineer at NASA. It was such an exciting time, but yes, we were both nervous. Change always makes me nervous.

We moved from North Louisiana to Southeast Texas in May of that year. The move actually brought us a few hours closer to my side of the family in Southwest Louisiana. That was some comfort for us, as well as the fact that my husband's sister lived nearby in Houston. It was a tough transition. I think the hardest part of all was leaving our church family and having to start from scratch in a brand new place with no familiar faces. We were finally on our own, though, and as scary as it was, it did feel pretty good. We were making it! We had a cute little apartment and were already talking about buying a home sometime in the next year or so.

That was where we were just before we decided to start trying to have children. It was just before our lives really did change forever.

A few months after our move we made our first trip back to my husband's hometown. We had decided to set up a photo shoot with a friend of my brother-in-law's, a young lady that he and my husband knew from high school who was starting a photography business in town. We had seen some of her work and really liked it, so we scheduled a time to meet with her while we were in town. It was a fun day for us and we thought she did a great job with the photos.

Now, when I look back at these pictures all these years later, it's hard to describe what I feel.

It was just before we were faced with the toughest trial of our lives.


We were young, in love, and so hopeful for the future.


It was just before I realized that I would have to be much stronger than I ever thought I was.


Toward the end of that year, we decided that we wanted to start trying to get pregnant. To tell you the truth, we didn't know a whole lot about ovulation schedules or anything else like that, but I was learning. I started charting my temperature and paying attention to certain clues. Early in May of the next year, I got my first positive pregnancy test. It was almost a year to the day after we'd moved. Most of you already know the story, but I miscarried 2 months later, as we were getting ready to move into our first home. (I've written more about that loss here.)

It was the beginning of the scariest ride of our lives. The next 7 years or so are almost a blur of grief, and hope, and devastation, and most of all loss. I almost can't believe all that has happened since that year. I never would have dreamed I could live through 6 miscarriages and still find the courage to keep on trying.

Sometimes I miss the couple in those photos. But I know the couple we are today.

We're still young (relatively speaking), still very much in love with each other, and we're still hopeful for our future. And this time, we know that we can make it through some really, really tough times. We know that we can survive, and not only that, but we can keep on living and keep on hoping, despite our setbacks and disappointments!


This photo was taken just before I realized how much I truly loved my husband and just how grateful I would be to have him by my side.

A Good Day

After a very frustrating first few days of 2010, today, finally, was a good day.

First of all, today my husband and I were celebrating 14 years since our first date back in 1996. (Last year I wrote a post about our first date. You can check it out HERE if you'd like.) We didn't have big plans, but it's still a special memory for us and it had us both starting the day in a better mood.

Not long after lunch, Chuck called me from work to share some fantastic news. He just found out today that he has been chosen as Employee of the Year for his contract at NASA! I'm very proud of him and I think the award is very well-deserved. It has not been officially announced at work yet (so if you know him in real life, please don't mention it on Facebook or anything for a little while). He did come home this evening with the monetary award and he'll be recognized at the next all-hands meeting. I was so excited to get this news! I know he's great at what he does, but it is wonderful to see that appreciated by others.

This evening I was chatting with my mom on the phone when I got another call and noticed it was my doctor's office. I switched over and was surprised to hear my doctor's voice on the line. He said he was looking over my chart and wanted to ask me about what exactly had happened with this cycle. (You probably remember how upset I was about it in the last post.) I filled him in on all the details and he asked lots of questions. We were on the phone for more than 30 minutes and I told him how I honestly felt about the way it had been handled last week. I felt so much better after speaking with him, and he was very understanding about our disappointment. When I go in next month, we'll sit down and talk in more detail about all of our options and how we want to proceed, and he said if we wanted to do another IUI he wouldn't charge us for next time! Let me tell you, I was incredibly relieved. I was very honest and open with him over the phone about all of my concerns and I truly felt heard. I was beginning to feel like I was at the end of my rope and we desperately needed some good news around here. We are both so thankful that things are starting to look up, thank the Lord.

Chuck and I had to laugh when he came in with the mail shortly after that phone call and there was a reimbursement check for $30 for an overcharge at the same doctor's office! It was a day of good news at our house, and honestly it couldn't have come at a better time.

I just wanted to give you all a quick update. As always, thanks for your constant support and prayers!

Hubby Love

We are so excited to be attending our college homecoming this weekend in North Louisiana! Saturday is my dear husband's (34th) birthday, so we decided to spend the weekend visiting his parents and enjoying the homecoming festivities. (Our college town is also his hometown.) Although we do occasionally visit the campus when we are in town, we haven't been to a football game in probably 8 years. This year is also the 10th anniversary year of my college graduation, which is another reason we thought it would be fun to go. To top it all off, the weather is supposed to be great! After another week of 90 degree temperatures in Texas, we are thrilled about the "cool front" and the idea of cooler weather for the game.

I've seen this little questionnaire on other blogs before and I thought I'd fill it out in honor of Chuck's birthday.
Here are some Q&As all about my husband:

♥ What are your middle names?
Mine is Rae, after my dad. His is Louis, which was his grandfather's middle name.

♥How long have you been together?
13 years total. Married for 11.

♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating?
About 4 months.

♥ Who asked who out?
He asked me.

♥ Who made the first move?
He did. I consider the "first move" the night he played with my hair while we were watching a movie. :)

♥ How old are each of you?
I'm 32. He is 34 today!

♥ Did you go to the same school?
High school, no. College, yes.

♥ Are you from the same home town?
No.

♥ Who is the smartest?
Oh, he is. I truly believe that he can do or figure out just about anything.

♥ Who majored in what?
I majored in Family, Infancy, and Early Childhood Education (with a minor in journalism). He majored in Electrical Engineering.

♥ Who is the most sensitive?
I am, but he can be very sensitive when necessary.

♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Our favorite restaurant is Lupe Tortilla.

♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Prince Edward Island, Canada, for a wonderful vacation in 2006.

♥ Who has the worst temper?
Neither of us has a very short fuse, but I'd have to say mine is probably worse.

♥ How many children do you want?
I think you know the answer to this. We'd love to have ANY.

♥ Who does the cooking?
We both do.

♥ Who is more social?
Definitely me. He's pretty quiet in a group.

♥ Who is the neat-freak?
Oh, I am! Thankfully, he's not very messy.

♥ Who is the most stubborn?
I would probably say he is and he would probably say I am. :)

♥ Who wakes up earlier?
He does!

♥ Where was your first date?
We went to dinner and a movie (Toy Story). It was January, 1996.

♥ Who has the bigger family?
When it comes to extended family, I do. He has a total of only 5 first cousins. I have 13.

♥ Do you get flowers often?
Usually about 3 times a year or more. The "just because" ones are my favorite.

♥ How do you spend the holidays?
We always divide it evenly between families, and we are usually never at home. I have hosted Thanksgiving at our house before, but this year will be my first to host Christmas with his family at our house!

♥ Who is more jealous?
I honestly don't know how to answer this one. I guess I am. I like to tease him about former girlfriends, but it's all in good fun. :)

♥ How long did it take to get serious?
I'd say about 6 months. We had "the talk" after about 3 months, and then we spent the summer vacation from school apart. After that we were much more serious.

♥ Who eats more?
He does, but I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a girl with an appetite.

♥ What do you do for a living?
He is a software engineer at NASA. I'm a homemaker.

♥ Who does the laundry?
I do.

♥ Who’s better with the computer?
He is. Definitely.

♥ Who drives when you are together?
I HATE to drive. He likes to drive. This arrangement works out nicely!

♥ What is "your" song?
Okay, don't laugh. We really don't have a mushy, sentimental love song. But one of the very first times we ever spoke to each other was on a fall retreat with the campus organization where we met. I heard him playing the song "Shine" by Collective Soul on the guitar and struck up a conversation. It was love at first sight. (It wasn't really, but we both still grin when we hear the song!)

Happy, happy birthday to the love of my life. I wouldn't rather experience all these ups and downs with anyone else!

Father's Day

Father's Day is a strange holiday for me. That was a true statement even before I'd faced almost a decade of infertility and all of the heartache that comes with desperately wanting to see your husband become a father.

I don't have the best relationship with my dad. I don't necessarily mean that we don't get along, but that we are not close. After several very tumultuous years of marriage, he and my mom divorced when I was 7 years old. There is not much I remember of my dad being at home. I have a few foggy memories of him coming home really late and carrying me from their bed to my own. I remember his love for crossword puzzles and how he was really good at drawing. Among my dad's redeeming qualities is his sense of humor. Above anything else, he still loves to make people laugh. He can, at times, be very tender-hearted. Sad movies make him cry. My sister and I remember the only time we were ever punished by our dad. We had been fighting and, in the heat of the moment, we said we hated each other. He spanked us and put us on our knees in the spare bedroom. After just a few minutes he came back with tears in his eyes and said how hard it was to have to do that. The lesson was learned for us. We never said we hated each other ever again.

My mom tells me that I was Daddy's Girl when I was little. She says that when he was home, I was always in his lap. I don't really remember that, but my recent interest in old family photographs turned up a picture that I had never seen before. I found it in an old box of photos from my Great Aunt's house (on Mom's side). In the picture, we are at a family get-together, and I'm in my dad's lap. He looks young and handsome -- and happy.

I was delighted to discover that picture. I have very few pictures of my dad at all, especially from his younger days. A couple of years ago, I got a copy of his baby picture from my grandmother. I treasure it, too.



If these memories were all I had of life with my dad, it wouldn't be bad at all. I wish I could say that the good outweighed the bad, but it didn't. These few happy memories are just about it, while there are decades worth of alcohol abuse, disappointments, empty promises, and long absences. When I think about what kind of legacy or inheritance that I will receive from my father, I don't think of money or property, or even time, memories, or values. I think of how much I hoped and prayed for a husband who was different from that. I didn't know if there were any men in the world who could be sober, faithful, reliable, responsible, and godly all at the same time. He doesn't know it, but my dad's legacy for me is my desire to create a new legacy for my own family. In a way, I owe it to him (and to the lessons I learned from my mom) that I married a great man.

We have never celebrated holidays with my dad. We don't have Thanksgiving dinner or exchange Christmas or birthday presents. If I can find one generic enough and if I know where to send it, I usually mail a Father's Day card to him. I may try to reach him by phone. So, Father's Day still finds me feeling somewhere in between. Not only is there a disconnect between my father and me, I haven't yet fulfilled the dream of celebrating my own husband on Father's Day. Right now I can only imagine a time when it will be a day for us to celebrate together.

6/6/09

Yesterday, June 6, Chuck and I celebrated 11 years of marriage! We had a great Saturday together just hanging around the house until it was time to get ready for our evening out. We had reservations at The Melting Pot (a fondue restaurant) downtown in Houston. It was a totally new experience for us! We had a great time. Before we arrived, Chuck had arranged for a private table with roses and a card, and the hostess snapped a photo of us which she framed and brought out to us before we left (it will be the last photo you see below).

It was a special day for us, and all day we reminisced about our wedding day and all the happy times we've had since. I put together a brief slideshow of photos to share with you, continuing with the theme of my last post. I hope you enjoy seeing some of our adventures! We're hoping to add a whole lot more in the years to come!

UPs and Downs

*Note: If you don't want details or spoilers about the movie UP, you might want to skip this post until after you've seen it!

My husband and I have a fun tradition. For the past 13 years, we have always made a date to go to the movies and see the latest Pix.ar film together. It all started with our first date in January of 1996, where the first movie we ever saw together was Pix.ar's very first film, Toy Story. (You can read more about our first date HERE.) Ten great films later, we still look forward to seeing their latest creation, and we get excited when we start seeing previews for what will become, for us at least, a new animated classic.

A couple of days ago, we set out to see the latest release, UP. It was a great evening for us to go to the movies. We had spent the whole weekend clearing everything out of our living room to have the floor replaced. We needed a break. We like to go to the theater on weeknights to try to avoid the crowds, and we know that soon summer will be in full swing with schools out and more people flocking to the theater. So, we got settled in with our tub o' popcorn, large soft drink to share, and napkins for our buttery fingers. Perfect.

After the previews, it was time for the always-anticipated short film that precedes the movie. I couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed that it featured, of all things, storks. Yes, the baby-delivering kind. That's okay. After all, it's not called a "short" film for nothing. It was over pretty quickly, and didn't focus much on the overjoyed faces of new parents with their swaddled surprises. Just a minor setback. Chuck and I exchanged glances and I mouthed the word "Seriously?" and the movie began.

Going into it, here's what I thought UP was about, based on previews I'd seen: A crotchety old man who used to live in a peaceful neighborhood is now not pleased about the urban development around his home. He doesn't want to sell the house and he doesn't want to be bothered, not even by the cute kid who knocks on his door seeking to earn a badge for assisting the elderly. The old man hatches a plan to get away from it all by tying thousands of balloons to his house and lifting himself and all of his beloved possessions up and away. He discovers that he is accompanied by the aforementioned kid, they have adventures, the kid softens the old man, end of story.

And that is pretty much what it is about. But, I was missing some details that, to some, may seem minor. You see, the old man is not just crotchety. He is grieving. In the early scenes of the film, we see him as a boy who dreams of adventure. Young Carl meets young Ellie, they grow up, fall in love, and get married. Soon they begin dreaming of bringing home a bundle of joy.



These scenes of the movie pass by quickly, like pieces of the old man's memory. Suddenly the scene shifts from the young couple on a sunny day, imagining images of babies in the clouds, to a heartbreaking scene of Carl and Ellie in a cold hospital, receiving devastating news. We don't hear the news, but we don't need to. They'll never have a child. Their baby dreams are over.

But Ellie has another dream. She dreams of exploring the wilds of South America and taking in the view of Paradise Falls with her own eyes, a goal made when she was a little girl. She wants to fill up their adventure book (a scrapbook whose pages will hold their most precious memories).

We can all relate to this, but life passes by so quickly and those dreams get pushed aside while we live (even happily) from day to day. Ellie and Carl are a happy couple, even though life hasn't always been easy. Carl finally realizes that it is time to make his wife's dream of adventure come true, and he buys the tickets even though they are much older now. It's not too late! Then, sadly, Ellie's health declines. The movie has just started, and just when I think I can't feel any more devastated, Carl is alone. It's my biggest fear. Not that I'll never get to see places I dream of seeing, of course, but that I'll end up all alone in the world someday without my dear husband, and with no children or grandchildren.

Sheesh. All this from a cartoon? I wasn't exactly expecting it either. I didn't hate the movie at all. I loved it. It was sad but it was also cute, sweet, and funny. But even after the story unfolded and Carl changed his life for the better, overcoming his grief and solitude, I still had to deal with my old familiar fear and hurt coming back to the surface. I watched the entire movie with a huge knot in my stomach and tears rolling down my cheeks. Afterward, my sister sent me a message to ask how the movie was and I could only respond, "SAD." She had been planning to take her boys to see it the next day. When I called her after they were done seeing it, I caught her still pulling herself together in her car.

I doubt that everyone will have this same reaction to this movie. I'm not telling you not to go see it! Heck, I'll even buy the DVD when it comes out, even though my husband joked that they should have named the movie "Down." Most people, I'm sure, will find it heartwarming and will also feel sad for Carl because he lost his wife, especially just short of making her big dream a reality.

But wait! I haven't gotten to the best part yet. The best part of the movie for me was when the old man picks up his wife's old adventure scrapbook and looks at it for what must have been the hundredth time. He never could bear to look at the empty pages and be reminded of the things they never did, the dreams never fulfilled. But this time he sees something new. Ellie had filled the pages. They weren't blank after all. He could see that their adventure was simply their life together, even the simple, everyday things.



I got a lot more than I bargained for by going to see this movie. In the end, though, I don't regret it. Turns out I needed a reminder that my life with Chuck is already my adventure. Even though I don't know the ending, I'm just glad we're both along for the ride.

May Memories

It occurred to me the other day that this month marks a couple of significant milestones for us.

May 1999: I can't quite believe that in just two weeks it will be 10 years since I graduated from college. It's strange how something can feel like such a long time ago and also like it was just yesterday. I have lots of happy memories of my college days, but I like to reminisce about them mostly because it's where I met my husband. Our entire dating experience was centered around Louisiana Tech University.

We met on campus my freshman year at the Christian organization that we both attended. We formed a friendship while chatting on the rickety computer on the first floor of my dorm. He picked me up for our first date at the dorm room that I shared with my sister during my freshman year. We ate countless meals together in the student center and enjoyed several fun dates at ball games, concerts, and theater events on campus. We got engaged at the beginning of my junior year, and we were married the summer between my junior and senior years.

As much as I enjoyed a lot of my time as a college student, after we got married I found it hard to continue. That last year seemed to drag on while I waited for graduation day to finally come! Getting my degree was important, but I was so eager to focus my time on being a wife. I was ecstatic when that day finally did arrive, and now, somehow, 10 years have gone by. I love to look back on it though, especially to remember the earliest years of getting to know my husband. College life can be pretty stressful, but when I compare it to the things we deal with today it seems like we were so carefree. I don't miss it enough to go back to school by any means! I just miss who I was and what life was like in a simpler time before miscarriage entered my life.

May 2001: It was the 5th of May, 2001 when we moved from Louisiana to Texas. Eight years have gone by since we moved from our home state for a new job opportunity in our neighboring state.



It was later that same year that we decided we wanted to start trying to have a baby. By May of 2002, I was able to surprise my mom with baby news in her Mother's Day card. Just two months later, however, we had our first miscarriage as we were preparing to move into our first home.



May 2008: Last year's May was a crazy month. On May 1st I finally took the plunge and had Lasik surgery. I can't believe a year has gone by since I last put contact lenses in my eyes! It has been pretty amazing. That same week, we had the dishwasher leak that caused us to spend the next 8 or 9 months making repairs and updates to the house (mainly the kitchen). At the end of the month, on the 27th, I started this little blog, which has opened up a new world of ministry, friendship, and support. What a blessing it has been!

May 2009: This month finds us still daily walking the long road of infertility. We have certainly changed a lot in the years I've mentioned here, in some ways good and in some ways bad. Finding hope that we will ever be on the other side of this is harder than ever before, but we make it our goal to find ways to rejoice in this trial.

In just a little over a week, we'll be leaving for a vacation with my family. My sister planned this trip a few months ago with her husband and kids, then decided to turn it into a family trip including the two of us, and my mom, step dad, and brother. We are very excited about spending a week away with family, enjoying the mountains in Tennessee! Something really amazing happened when we were planning the trip. We realized that we would be close enough to meet up with my dear blog friend Beth and her husband Kevin! I can't wait to write more about this in the weeks ahead, but we are so happy to finally meet these friends face to face.

Thankfully, we will be able to look back on this May with warm memories of family and friends.

Daydreams About Fatherhood

My husband will be a great father someday.

It is very comforting for me to know that. I couldn't be happier about it, but of course it makes me incredibly sad that he has to wait too. I constantly grieve over the fact that "my infertility" has to be "our infertility." I know he loves me anyway, but I can't help but feel some guilt and regret over that. If we ever do have children, I'm not worried at all about how he will do. He will be amazing. He would be the coolest guy they could ever meet. I know from experience that living with him is a blast!

If we have a boy someday, he will take him fishing. He might teach him how to play the guitar. They will no doubt play video games together and fly kites and laugh at silly things. Our son will know that his dad loves him. He will teach him how to grow up and be a responsible man who loves his wife and loves Jesus.

If we have a girl someday, he will take her fishing. He might teach her how to play the guitar. They will no doubt play video games together and fly kites and laugh at silly things. Our daughter will know that her dad loves her. He will teach her how to grow up and be a responsible woman who will want to marry a man just like her dad.

I watch my husband with our nephews all the time. I see how they look up to him and how he makes them laugh. He makes them feel like they are the two most important boys in the whole world. Sometimes when we're not with them (they live about 2 hours away), he'll look at me and say, "I miss my boys." It melts my heart. It encourages me every day to know he can love children who did not come from our bodies. I know that he would love an adopted child unconditionally. Our nephews share none of the same genetic material as my husband. They are my sister's boys. My sister is happily married to their daddy. I don't place what they share with their uncle any higher than what they have with their dad, but I know that their relationship with Chuck is special.

I know he loves them with his whole heart.

He has watched them grow up since they were first born. When nephew A was born in 2001, Chuck had very little experience with babies. Nephew N came along the next year, and by now Chuck has had lots of practice being an uncle. He has changed many diapers and wiped many bottoms, spent many afternoons at the park or in the backyard, and kissed away many hurts. He does stuff with them that boys love to do, and he always teaches them new things. To them, it seems their uncle can do anything: he's the very best at drawing, playing games, and building things. Even though they are boys, he isn't afraid to give them hugs and kisses.

We are fortunate to be able to live close enough to see them so often, and we have never missed a birthday or Christmas together. The boys are already 8 and 6 years old, and with each passing year I worry that maybe they won't think we're so great anymore. Thankfully, they always prove me wrong. As their aunt I have always loved them deeply, but I can honestly say that it doesn't hurt my feelings one bit when they run past me sometimes to throw their arms around their uncle. In fact, that makes me love them even more. They think he's as great as I do. I get that.

He's a great husband and uncle, and one day I know he WILL be a great father. I can't wait.

A Dating Story

Earlier this week Chuck and I celebrated the anniversary of our first date. We always recognize the day but we don't make a huge deal out of it since we have a wedding anniversary to celebrate as well. Usually we go out or cook dinner together, and sometimes we catch a movie. This week we have been very short on free time so we stopped in at our favorite Mexican restaurant and shared some fajitas (the best we've ever tasted) in between errands. We've been pretty stressed lately and a break was really nice.

Our first date was January 6, 1996. It was my freshman year of college and his junior year. We met at a weekly meeting of the Christian organization Campus Crusade for Christ. I don't really remember the very first time we met. I was new there, so everyone was new to me! Chuck says he remembers seeing me for the first time and knowing right away that I was Connie's sister. This has always been funny to me because most people don't think we look alike at all.

That Fall we gradually got to know one another better by being involved in the same campus organization and going on a few retreats as a group. Getting to know Chuck was not very easy because he was very shy back then. What helped tremendously was getting to know him a little more personally by e-mail and online chatting. I was very new to computers back in the mid-90s. A college buddy taught me how to use the "prehistoric" machines in the computer lab and I was so happy because I could keep up with my BFF who'd gone to a different college back home. Downstairs in my dorm there was a tiny common room that had two computers in it. I would often pop in there at night to check my mail and before long I started chatting with Chuck, who was often online from home (we attended college in his hometown, so he didn't live on campus). I began to realize that the shy guitar player I thought I knew was actually quite witty, not to mention smart and kind.

Still I was pretty surprised when he asked me out on a date. True to form, he asked me over the computer instead of in person. He said he'd really been wanting to go see the new movie Toy Story, and did I want to go with him?




Well, I wasn't sure. I was still afraid the date would be awkward and that his shyness would prevent him from talking to me (keep in mind that I didn't have much dating experience). I went ahead and said yes, then went upstairs to quiz my sister (who was my roomie, too) about this guy. She couldn't offer much. She said all she knew was that he was very quiet, he played guitar, and he used to have long hair! I told her I'd just agreed to go on a date with him. We were both pretty clueless about what to expect but relatively confident that he wasn't an axe murderer, so I kept the plans.

It was very cold and icy on the night of our date (ice storms aren't terribly unusual in Northern Louisiana). The roads were somewhat treacherous and in fact he'd been in a minor fender bender just a few nights before because of the ice. This was before the days of personal cell phones, so I remember his parents had let him borrow their bag phone for the 30-minute drive to the neighboring town. I always think about how one day I'll have to describe to our kids what a bag phone was! We had dinner at a Mexican restaurant and then we went to see Toy Story - the original one. He was interested in seeing a movie that was entirely computer animated. I'm sure I didn't even know that at the time but I was ok with seeing a cartoon. The most important thing, though, was that in the hour that we were in the car round-trip, the conversation was great! We both talked the entire time and it was never, ever awkward. I couldn't believe that the guy I'd barely heard speak an entire paragraph was suddenly so comfortable. (After living with him for 10 years now I can tell you that this is still true. Chuck is shy in a group setting but much more comfortable one-on-one.)

The best part is that on the drive over he was very straightforward about his intentions about the date. There was no pressure - he thought I was nice and he wanted to get to know me better. There was something about him spelling it out that way that really spoke my language. I'd been strung along for several weeks by a guy whose intentions were very vague. I wasn't sure whether that guy was interested or not interested; we'd have a "date" here and there and then he wouldn't call for days. It was so refreshing to not have to guess at this one. After he dropped me off that night I went upstairs in the dorm to chat with some girlfriends. They were floored that a guy would be so forthcoming, and insisted that Chuck needed to teach a class on dating etiquette! All of this reassured me that I'd done the right thing saying yes to him. I certainly did the right thing when I said yes to his marriage proposal in August of the next year.

Maybe it seems silly to celebrate a first date anniversary, but we still do it. It was a great date and we love reminiscing about it. I almost forgot, a couple of days after the date I got a Toy Story postcard in my mailbox on campus. I pretty much knew then that there was something special about this guy. He still does charming things like that today, and it's one of the many reasons that I enjoy looking back on that date 13 years later.

Figgy Pudding

I really have no idea what figgy pudding is and I've certainly never tasted it before. I just think it's fun to say and didn't know what else to call this Christmas post!

It has taken me a long time to get there this year but I think I'm finally starting to feel the Christmas spirit. I'm getting excited about leaving soon to go see family and friends. I truly do love Christmas: I love decorating, baking, gift-giving, and why we celebrate. This year it has been hard because it's just plain been a hard year. But I feel that old familiar Christmas cheer building up as it gets closer and closer, and I'm thankful for that.

Yesterday we had such a peaceful afternoon at home. We went to church and then came home and decided to have our "Christmas" with each other. Chuck has to work today and tomorrow and then we leave town on Christmas Eve and won't be back until New Year's Day. We figured Sunday would be a good day for us to exchange our gifts before things got crazy.

I struggled this year with what to buy for Chuck. He usually has a long wish list of power tools and other "guy things" I don't know much about. It's hard to surprise him with anything. Eventually I decided to go clothes shopping for him, and that worked out really well this year. He needed some new clothes and I found some great stuff for great prices. He was so happy with everything I'd picked out and I know he doesn't love to shop for clothes, so I did him a favor too. I also bought him a new CD he'd been wanting, as a stocking stuffer.

For a few weeks there has been a kinda big box under the tree with my name on it. I really couldn't guess what was in it. Oh yes, I had ideas about what I HOPED was in it but I was pretty unsure. It turned out to be exactly what I wanted - a new laptop of my very own! Chuck had hit a back-to-school sale all the way back in July and he'd kept the box hidden from me until now. Needless to say I was pretty excited. Since I've started blogging I've had a very strong desire to have my own laptop with only "my stuff" on it. Really the desire has been around for even longer because I'm a scrapbooker. When I'm holed up in my scrapbook room I always think how great it would be great to have a computer in there to do my journaling or to look up the date on a digital picture, or countless other things. Blogging, though, has definitely meant much more time spent on the computer for me. It was truly a sweet gift, and Chuck went above and beyond as he usually does. He had already opened it up and put all of my own personal settings and favorite programs on it. It made me cry when I turned the computer on and he had my big yellow lily photo (the one I use on my Blogger profile) as the wallpaper. It was so special. We took a nice Sunday afternoon nap after opening our gifts, then went to a Christmas party at our pastor's house. It was a good day, and it helped to begin to warm my heart toward the holidays.

Things will be picking up now as we are getting ready for another trip home to Louisiana. (Fortunately I should be able to at least keep up with e-mail this time, and maybe even a few blogs!) Tomorrow night we'll visit some friends here in Texas, then we'll leave Wednesday morning to go to my in-laws'. I believe this year is my 13th Christmas Day spent with hubby's family - a tradition we started when we were still dating. We will visit a few dear friends also before heading down to my mom's house on Saturday. It's always fun to pull into the driveway there and know that our arrival means Christmas has begun! Sunday we are planning to go visit my dad's side of the family and we'll also see Chuck's grandparents in that part of the state. The rest of the trip we will spend at my sister's house before we return home on January 1st. We can't wait to spend quality time with our nephews while they're out of school!

You will all be in my thoughts this Christmas. I'm so thankful for a year that included so many new friends. Chuck and I wish you all a very happy holiday season!

Misfit

Do you have moments when you feel like you just don't fit in anywhere? I certainly do, and it seems to get worse the longer I live with infertility. I used to really enjoy social functions of all kinds. Of course I still do enjoy them occasionally, but most times the anticipation is almost more than I can handle. I'm afraid to put myself out there for fear that it will end up being awkward. I feel so much safer at home and usually I'd rather just stay in. It's true that a lot of times I talk myself into going and when it's all over I'm truly glad I went. But the fact is that those times have become few and far between.

The problem is that there is no real place where I feel I belong, socially I mean. I'm too old to be with the college kids - next year will be 10 years since I graduated from college. Although I identify with singles in many ways and value my single friends, I'm sure they don't always want to hang out with this old married couple. The young marrieds with small children have quite a bit on their plates, not to mention those closer to my age who have school-age kids! It seems like I have less and less in common with my peers with each passing year. Of course I have dear friends from all of these walks of life and of all different ages. Some of my dearest friends are closer to my parents' age and have kids who are grown. I think that having many different kinds of friends is great, but still I feel more and more isolated lately - like I'm stuck in a place where I don't belong and can't move forward.

The other day in a moment of frustration I told my husband that I felt like I should be shipped off someplace where broken things go. Immediately I thought of the Island of Misfit Toys from the classic Rudolph cartoon. The funny thing is that I can't tell you the last time I watched that movie. It's been at least a decade but I remembered it pretty clearly: the jack-in-the-box named Charlie, the spotted elephant, and the little doll. Remember all those toys that were rejects? I watched a video clip from the movie on youtube to remind myself of some of the others who lived on the island. I'd forgotten about the train who had square wheels. I hadn't remembered the bird who could swim but couldn't fly or the boat who couldn't stay afloat.

Maybe it sounds silly but I can relate to those misfit toys. I desperately want to be something I am not. I want my body to work the way it should. I am a mother who has no children. I feel like I don't quite fit.

This isn't a pity party. You have to understand something about me. One of my biggest pet peeves in life is when something doesn't work right. I get so frustrated when I can't get something to serve its intended purpose. You can imagine how difficult it is for me to live with a body that doesn't work the way I think it should! It is incredibly annoying to me (not to mention heartbreaking) that I have such a hard time with pregnancy and there is nothing easy I can do to fix that. No, nobody ever promised me that things would be easy to fix or that problems would be easy to solve. I haven't had a life like that anyway, so I would've quickly learned that I'd been misled. Still it feels like it just shouldn't be this hard.

I never want anything I write here to be interpreted as hopeless. Believe it or not, I can see a few positive things about those misfit toys! They were certainly unique, and although they didn't feel like they fit in, they fit in perfectly with each other. There's something to be said for standing apart from the crowd, and it most definitely helps knowing you're not alone. It doesn't always feel good being different, but there may just be someone out there who needs just what you have to offer.

Surprisingly, I found someone who happens to like spotted elephants and doesn't mind birds that swim instead of fly. You know, maybe there are no "misfits" after all.