Thanks so much for all of your comments and support over the Christmas holiday. I haven't looked at blogs in over a week (and hope to get caught up with all of you soon!) but I was mostly able to keep up with e-mail over the holidays. I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Year. Christmas at my house with my in-laws went well, and we spent the following week in Louisiana with my family. We just returned home Saturday night. We both slept for 12 hours straight and then we spent all day Sunday taking down our Christmas decorations. It was exhausting! I still have loads of cleaning to do, but I'm taking a few minutes to update the blog. The cleaning can wait just a little while longer, I'm sure!
I always find the New Year to be bittersweet. It's great to have a fresh start and to be hopeful about what may come, and it's also great to say goodbye to a year that seriously let you down. But after so many let-downs, it gets harder and harder to hope that this year will be different.
January is undoubtedly a hard month for many. I always hear on the news that it's the most depressing month of the year. When I was younger I liked it because it's my birthday month, but now even that has become tainted by my infertility struggle. I feel like I want time to stand still until I get all of this worked out, but it just keeps marching on, ready or not. Now when the new year starts, I can't help but be overcome by numbers and the milestones I now associate with January:
5 years since my first laparoscopic surgery in January 2005.
3 years since my sixth miscarriage in January 2007.
3 years since we were last pregnant.
2 years since my second laparoscopic surgery in January 2008.
This month I'll turn 33.
And we're now entering our 9th year of trying to add to our family.
I don't want to start the new year feeling burdened and defeated and frustrated. Honestly, I would love to be able to write about a much more positive outlook for 2010, but I just don't think I'm there yet.
As much as we loved being with family to ring in the New Year (and we truly did), it has been a rough start. As you know, just before Christmas I found out that the first IUI didn't work. I knew that the start of a new cycle was going to be crazy around the holidays, but we were committed to it. Our week in Louisiana was interrupted by a quick trip back to Houston for the CD12 ultrasound (which we had on cycle day 11, New Year's Eve, since the office would be closed on Friday). The trip was fine, but when we got there I was very unhappy to discover that Dr. G wasn't there and the person doing my ultrasound was my very least favorite nurse in the world. I was able to keep my composure and just get on with the scan, and we had 4 more great looking follicles, including one huge one that would be ready to ovulate on Saturday. I got the trigger shot and we drove all the way back to Louisiana and made it to my mom's by noon. On our way into town to go get lunch, the nurse called to tell me that there wouldn't be an IUI on Saturday after all. There would be no one available to do it that day.
Needless to say I was incredibly disappointed, not to mention angry. January 2nd? What is so important about that day that NONE of the doctors in that entire office are working? I could honestly understand if it had been Christmas Day. But the day AFTER New Year's Day? I still can't believe it. I felt like we'd been through all of the trouble and scheduling and anticipation for this entire cycle for nothing. And I know that it may not seem like such a big deal, but waiting another month and feeling like we've lost this one is huge to me. We get only 12 times a year to try (if we're lucky), and it is definitely hard to watch an opportunity pass us by.
Although I know it's really just a minor setback, I haven't been handling it well for the past couple of days. I have all kinds of ugly emotions going on and I know that I seriously need to put it behind me and move on. January is all about starting over, right? We're only four days in, but I really hope that 2010 will have much better things in store.