Thanks so much for all of your comments and support over the Christmas holiday. I haven't looked at blogs in over a week (and hope to get caught up with all of you soon!) but I was mostly able to keep up with e-mail over the holidays. I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Year. Christmas at my house with my in-laws went well, and we spent the following week in Louisiana with my family. We just returned home Saturday night. We both slept for 12 hours straight and then we spent all day Sunday taking down our Christmas decorations. It was exhausting! I still have loads of cleaning to do, but I'm taking a few minutes to update the blog. The cleaning can wait just a little while longer, I'm sure!
I always find the New Year to be bittersweet. It's great to have a fresh start and to be hopeful about what may come, and it's also great to say goodbye to a year that seriously let you down. But after so many let-downs, it gets harder and harder to hope that this year will be different.
January is undoubtedly a hard month for many. I always hear on the news that it's the most depressing month of the year. When I was younger I liked it because it's my birthday month, but now even that has become tainted by my infertility struggle. I feel like I want time to stand still until I get all of this worked out, but it just keeps marching on, ready or not. Now when the new year starts, I can't help but be overcome by numbers and the milestones I now associate with January:
5 years since my first laparoscopic surgery in January 2005.
3 years since my sixth miscarriage in January 2007.
3 years since we were last pregnant.
2 years since my second laparoscopic surgery in January 2008.
This month I'll turn 33.
And we're now entering our 9th year of trying to add to our family.
I don't want to start the new year feeling burdened and defeated and frustrated. Honestly, I would love to be able to write about a much more positive outlook for 2010, but I just don't think I'm there yet.
As much as we loved being with family to ring in the New Year (and we truly did), it has been a rough start. As you know, just before Christmas I found out that the first IUI didn't work. I knew that the start of a new cycle was going to be crazy around the holidays, but we were committed to it. Our week in Louisiana was interrupted by a quick trip back to Houston for the CD12 ultrasound (which we had on cycle day 11, New Year's Eve, since the office would be closed on Friday). The trip was fine, but when we got there I was very unhappy to discover that Dr. G wasn't there and the person doing my ultrasound was my very least favorite nurse in the world. I was able to keep my composure and just get on with the scan, and we had 4 more great looking follicles, including one huge one that would be ready to ovulate on Saturday. I got the trigger shot and we drove all the way back to Louisiana and made it to my mom's by noon. On our way into town to go get lunch, the nurse called to tell me that there wouldn't be an IUI on Saturday after all. There would be no one available to do it that day.
Needless to say I was incredibly disappointed, not to mention angry. January 2nd? What is so important about that day that NONE of the doctors in that entire office are working? I could honestly understand if it had been Christmas Day. But the day AFTER New Year's Day? I still can't believe it. I felt like we'd been through all of the trouble and scheduling and anticipation for this entire cycle for nothing. And I know that it may not seem like such a big deal, but waiting another month and feeling like we've lost this one is huge to me. We get only 12 times a year to try (if we're lucky), and it is definitely hard to watch an opportunity pass us by.
Although I know it's really just a minor setback, I haven't been handling it well for the past couple of days. I have all kinds of ugly emotions going on and I know that I seriously need to put it behind me and move on. January is all about starting over, right? We're only four days in, but I really hope that 2010 will have much better things in store.
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23 comments:
From a professional point of view, should the clinic be having you do all the stuff associated with cycling, if they aren't able to perform the procedure? They have a pretty good idea of when you will need the IUI done.
And I'm sorry, that's a bit of a punch to the gut. . .
Ugh!!! And, I'm no professional, but I agree with Mrs. Spit. Sorry, Stace. I can't begin to imagine how frustrating that must be.
@Mrs. Spit - I definitely see your point. I guess the difference here is that my hubby and I have gotten pg on our own multiple times. We've just started going through the cycling process with the clinic to guarantee ovulation because my cycles had gotten all messed up. The IUIs are just to give our chances an extra boost, but it is still very disappointing for it to not happen. We haven't had a pregnancy in 3 years on our own.
Thanks for the comment. I agree that they might've told me that up front if they knew no one would be there over the weekend!
oh Stace! that makes me so mad. what's their number? i'll give them a call and set them straight. praying that february will be an great month....love you!
I think you are handling this setback way better than I would have handled it. Especially after all of that driving and time sacrificed. I think that they should not charge for all of the sevices related to this service or the next. Is that too much or too aggressive?
Wow, I am so sorry. I hope I am not adding fuel to the flame.
I survived fine through Christmas, too, but the New Year has really set me back. I am still trying to recover from starting a new year at what seems the same place, aprroaching my 33rd b-day on Feb. 1st, and our approaching 10th anniversary in July. Really! Give us a break already.
I will pray that may yall could do it on yall's own! Prayer is a powerful way to make our dreams come true, or so they say :)
I can't imagine how disappointed you are with not being able to try the IUI this month. It might seem like no biggie to someone who hasn't been through so much, but you have and I'm so sad that was the case this month!
I'm from Louisiana too, so is my hubby, being home was bittersweet for me. These holidays were certainly hard, and though I'm trying to be hope-filled this new year, I'm with you in sometimes wondering what's to say this one will be any better. I pray we both see that something wonderful come to fruition this year, but know that your feelings are understood for sure!
Stacey, I totally get why you're angry, I'd be furious too. Surely they should have checked their scheduling before having you drive all he way in for a scan AND administering a trigger shot??? That is outrageous, I'd be furious too. And I totally get the impatience over having to wait another month, when one thinks about how time is marching on for all of us and that one only has 12 attempts in a year to get pregnant, well they've just royally wasted your time.
I'm really really really praying that this is going to be your year. God is all powerful, He can and DOES move mountains, I am living proof of that. Have faith Sister! Good things ARE coming your way! We have to believe it.
Lots of Love!
Sending you hugs. I'm sorry for your disappointment & understand your anger. I agree with the other posts that they should have known this before making you drive back.
Praying that 2010 will be blessed for you both.
Wow. I'd be so furious. They definitely should've been able to know ahead of time. I feel so upset and angry for you and I can't imagine how you're feeling sweetie. I hope you didn't have to pay for the monitoring and trigger.
I wish I was there to give you the biggest hug sweetie. I'm so sorry. (((HUGS)))
HUGS
Oh, my. Failing to do your IUI was really unprofessional on the clinic's part. I'm sorry. I hope the cycle is a success anyway!
-andreajennine
Your feelings of anger are warranted! You plan, you prepare and your world revolves around timing and then suddenly no one has time on their watch for you! How incredibly disappointing!
If it's not YOUR issue its easier to navigate past, but when you've faced all that you have faced over the course of the past years the start of a new cycle can seem like eternity. And, the tought of having 12 tries always enters one's mind....
So sorry this happened to you. Is there a possibility that you could use 2 clinics? I've read about others who use 2 clinics and alternate between the 2 to get available appointments for IUI...just a thought. I so hate this happened to you, as you don't deserve this.
Many Hugs
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry about the IUI getting cancelled!! That totally stinks, and you are right in that it's a holiday or anything!! I'm so sorry (hug). At least you had some great follies though!! (As I try to be encouraging in the face of huge disappointment!!) You still tried on your own, right? Praying God has your little one coming soon :)
Ugh. Ugh. I'm so mad at your clinic right now.
Continuing to pray for you sweetie.
xoxo
HUGS
Oh, Stace, I can COMPLETELY understand that loss of cycling in January. It seems like the RE's offices just think oh well but holy moly - that'a MONTH wasted. A devastating 30-31 days that you could have been doing something. I feel those feelings rising within me as I type for I have been there. I hope that this year brings us motherhood - heck, we've done everything else at exactly the same timing! ;)
Stacey,
I just read your article "Surviving Church as a Married Couple Without Kids" which lead me to your blog. I didn't think it was going to be so hard, especially at church. I am 34 yrs. old and my husband and I have been married for 9 yrs. We are heavily involved in youth ministry at our church. My husband is a youth pastor and besides helping him with that, I also am a homemaker without kids. I'm afraid I have already given up trying to have kids. I couldn't bear the disappointment month after month. I think it was even harder on my husband. So, we have tried to put the idea out of our minds, however, we are constantly reminded, especially at church, that we are not parents. We don't even have adult friends at church. May I share a story? A while back, the young families planned an event at church. I thought to myself, well we are a young family even if we don't have any kids. So, the day of the event, I began to prepare food to bring with us to the event. My husband said, "This event is not for us. It' for people with kids". Well, I didn't really pay attention to that. Just before, the event began, I decided to read the bulletin to be sure about the details. To my horror, it read, "For families with young children". We stayed home that day, but had dinner that would last us a few days.
I know disappointment is a part of life after The Fall, but sometimes it's so much so that I long for heaven sooner than later. Now, I just try to focus on the teenagers and love on them as much as I can. I also believe that if we are not supposed to have our own children, God has a darn good reason for it. Jesus is the only one keeping me sane right now.
Thanks for sharing your struggles, Stacey.
So sorry for the disappointment. It does seem odd to me that they'd give you the trigger shot if they weren't sure they could do the IUI. My insurance doesn't pay for any infertility treatments, so when I got my IUI, we pain cash for the trigger shot, which wasn't cheap. I would have been really mad to do all that then find out they couldn't do it.
I do hope your 2010 starts to improve.
Thank you, friends, for all of the comments! It feels good to have my anger about this validated. I'm doing better and have decided to move forward.
@Anon, thank you so much for making contact and sharing some of your own story. I am so sorry about what you're going through and I'm saddened that you haven't gotten much support from your church. I admire your ministry and am sure that you are a huge blessing to the youth!
Please feel free to email me any time if you want or need to talk. staceysthoughts@gmail.com
Hi Stacey Just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you and I'm still hoping that this cycle will be a success. Dispite all thats happened!
You are loved :)
(((HUGS))) January is a hard month for me too. Last year we were glad to celebrate the end of 2008 and this year we're looking forward to 2010 but January has so many reminders of Levi... it's a struggle.
What happened this afternoon is no accident. God is looking out for you, Stace. XOXO
I'd be upset too. I'm sorry it didn't work out this month. :-(
It's amazing how you can go from the worst year of your life to the best. It seems like it won't ever happen, and then suddenly it has. That's how 2008 to 2009 was for me. I hope 2010 will be the best for you!
Hi Stacey,
I've been following your blog for a while now. I stumbled upon it somehow in my own frustration with infertility and recurring miscarriage. I just bought a book that I'm curious to know if you have read. It's called "Is Your Body Baby Friendly" by Alan E. Beer. It talks about immune issues related to unexplained infertility, recurring m/c, IVF failure, implantation failure, etc. It seems really interesting so far. I have endometriosis and MTHFR mutation also, and there seems to be some correlation btwn those and immune related infertility, from what I'm reading.
I hate recommending a book I haven't read completely. But fertility treatments are ridiculously expensive and emotionally taxing, and even if they are successful, our own bodies may be preventing the baby from continuing to grow and thrive. I'd hate to spend a lot of money and emotional investment without taking care of all the underlying issues first. My husband and I have already tried IUI's and fertility drugs, and we are still childless after 7 years. We have thought about IVF, but I can't shake the thought that even if it works, I'll still miscarry. I don't mean to be a downer. Actually, I'm hoping for the opposite. This book has given me some hope that there might be help out there. Have you read it? I'm curious to know your thoughts on that.
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