Anxiety

I had my first anxiety attack on the night I brought my first baby home from the hospital.

I didn't know what it was at the time, but I most certainly knew something was wrong. We'd waited so long for that moment. I wish I could write that all I felt at that time was pure, unadulterated joy and relief. And oh, I did feel that! I couldn't believe all that had transpired in the days just prior. After losing six babies to miscarriage, we'd seen the face of our seventh baby. She'd been born plump and healthy and beautiful, and we'd actually brought her home. She was ours to keep! It was unbelievable and it was wonderful.

The circumstances surrounding the release from the hospital weren't perfectly smooth. We had a few hiccups as we were getting ready to head home that late September day in 2010. After a three-day stay following my c-section delivery, we were ready to head home but Lily had jaundice. Even after I was released, we were waiting on one more bilirubin test that wouldn't happen until 5 PM. The doctor came in the room a few hours later to tell me her numbers were still high, but they would let us take her home if we took her in to the clinic over the weekend (it was a Friday evening) to have the test repeated. Of course we would do whatever we needed to do, including making sure she got some sunlight and was getting plenty to eat.

All that is to say, we made it home that Friday night with our baby girl, pulling into the driveway as a family of three after the sun had set. My mom and my sister were both there, so I knew we had lots of help. I remember things feeling a bit chaotic as it was so late in the day and I was nervous about keeping Lily's jaundice in check. If someone had asked if I felt absolutely frantic or anxious, I would have answered no.

It wasn't until later that night that I became aware of a problem. My chest felt tight and heavy. I had a hard time taking deep breaths. My heart was pounding. I knew I was exhausted and needed sleep. Those three nights in a busy hospital after major surgery, with nurses coming in to give medicine and check my vitals, plus breastfeeding a newborn baby every 2-3 hours had not left me feeling well-rested. But the more I tried to rest at home in my own bed, the more sleeping became impossible. I called my doctor's office and the on-call doctor called me back, but I didn't feel like she understood what I was saying or experiencing. It was one of the longest nights of my life. I don't mean to sound dramatic here, but I honestly thought I was dying.

Somehow I made it through the weekend. Lily's bilirubin count had gotten up to 16, but by Sunday we had some relief when the number started dropping. She was doing great. I was still struggling, but still I had no idea why. I had no appetite. Every evening that chest pain would return. I was getting only enough sleep to get by. I'd already quit taking my pain medicine for fear that it was contributing to the way I was feeling. My mom, sister, and husband were helping me take care of the baby, thankfully. By Monday morning I decided to go see my doctor. As soon as she looked at me, she told me to go over to the ER to get checked out. She said she'd call ahead and tell them I was coming. The chest pains had her concerned about a blood clot in my lungs. At the ER I had a CT scan and lots of blood work, and they had me see a cardiologist for an echocardiogram. It was a crazy few days, and what I remember most is how badly I hated being away from my sweet baby. But I knew that I had to rule out some of these things and try to feel better.

All of the tests I had came back clear, which was great news. I still had no idea what happened. It took about two weeks for me to feel remotely normal again. As time went on I began to wonder if it had been anxiety. I talked to a couple of friends who had struggled with anxiety/panic attacks before and things started making more sense to me. It's so hard to know, because it feels so scary. It most certainly does NOT feel like it's "all in your head." Once things settled down, I thought that feeling had gone away for good. I thought it was just a very strange thing that happened but was eventually overcome and eclipsed by the joy we felt in bringing our baby home. Life went on.

Fast forward a couple of years.

We found out we were expecting for the eighth time when Lily was only 18 months old. The fact that it happened again so quickly (relatively speaking -- it had taken us three years, and a grand total of nearly nine years all things considered, to get pregnant with Lily) was a surprise and a blessing. As is true with each and every pregnancy we've had, the early weeks and months were nerve-racking. On top of the endless worry and waiting and ultrasounds, there was also the melanoma that my dermatologist had discovered at the very beginning of the pregnancy. At 13 weeks I had surgery to remove the cancer from my arm. Strangely, I made it through all of that chaos, while also keeping up with a busy toddler, with no anxiety attacks. Truly, I still wasn't quite sure it was what I'd had back when Lily was born.

But as the time drew near for our second daughter to arrive, I began to feel some of the same things again. It wasn't as intense as I remembered, but it was starting to happen again intermittently. I talked to my OB/GYN at length about it, and told her I was worried that it was going to escalate after Anna was born like it had with Lily. I was trying to stay positive and hope that, with it being my second time, I could keep the anxious feelings at bay and just get through it.

I had my second c-section in late November of 2012. Again, we had a big, beautiful baby girl whom we were elated to meet. While the baby was fine, the delivery hadn't been completely problem-free. After countless (painful) attempts, the anesthesiologist never could get the spinal block to work. He finally left, frustrated, and with me in a puddle of tears, and called in a colleague to come give me an epidural. The experience was horrible, but I kept my eye on the prize. Soon the surgery was underway and in no time I heard those precious first cries. We enjoyed our first moments with baby Anna in the OR before she was taken to the nursery. Afterward, while I was in recovery and time went on and on, we finally begged the nurse to find out why they hadn't brought the baby back to us. She was doing okay, they said, but she had fluid in her lungs -- common for babies who aren't squeezed through the birth canal. Well, we knew she would be fine, but that's not to say we weren't worried. And of course we wanted to see her as soon as possible. But that didn't happen for seven more hours. Her breathing was still too rapid and her lungs were still full. They wanted to check her one last time and if she didn't "pass" she would spend the night in the NICU. Suddenly and rather abruptly, the nurse was wheeling her into my room and handing me my baby, telling me she had turned around quickly and was doing great. It was a huge answer to prayer and a big relief to finally hold her after such a long, long day.

The anesthesiologist (who by that time was not my favorite person) came to see me the next day to warn me that in some cases after a failed spinal block, the spinal fluid will leak and cause a severe headache. He said to let a nurse know if that happened to me and turned and walked out. It wasn't until the day after that when I began to feel like I had a sore neck. It felt like a pulled muscle, but as time went on the pain crept up into the back of my head. I spoke to some doctors about my options and decided that, rather than have another spinal procedure (the last thing in the world I wanted to do at that point) to fix the headache, I would just endure it. It wasn't great, but it at least felt manageable right then and there in the hospital. I went home and tolerated that horrible headache for a solid week. Fortunately, Anna was doing great. She had no jaundice and breastfeeding was going so well.

During those first few nights home, the anxiety attacks returned. I think they were tempered in a way by what I was experiencing with the spinal headache. I was in so much pain from that, that it kept me distracted from dwelling on the anxiety. I lost my appetite again and quit the pain meds early again, just like before. But every evening for the first week or so I was visited by that heaviness in my chest, inability to sleep, shortness of breath, and rapid heartbeat.

I know this is turning into a long story, but I wanted to revisit where it all started. It's hard -- as a person, as a woman, as a Christian, and as a mom -- to admit sometimes that we don't have it all together. I can only speculate why the births of both of my miracle babies brought so many different emotions. I expected the joy and the awe, but I never saw the panic and anxiety coming. I think part of it was the realization that we were finally seeing this dream come to fruition, and my fear that somehow we were going to mess it up or lose it. Maybe that doesn't make much sense but after being pregnant six times and losing all of those precious ones, I think there was a deep sense of fear lurking underneath all of that joy. I didn't want to come so close and watch it all slip away again.

I decided to write about all of this now because, over the past weekend, I was struck by two anxiety attacks. No, I'm not pregnant. I obviously didn't just bring home a new baby. I don't know exactly what caused it, but at least I know now what to call it. I know that, for me, I've come to recognize that there is a "perfect storm" of exhaustion, usually sickness, stress, and insomnia that will bring on the attack. After the double whammy last weekend, I talked to my family doctor about the whole thing. It felt good to finally have a doctor listen and understand what I was experiencing. She prescribed some medication that I can take when I feel the attacks coming on. Strangely enough, I think just knowing it's there in the medicine cabinet gives me some reassurance and makes me feel a bit calmer, which the doctor said actually happens more often than you'd think.

This whole thing is not something I've shared with many people. I guess I wanted to write about it here just to tell somebody, anybody: Hey, I don't have it all together!

Life gets complicated, times get hard, infertility is horrible, we fail, we suffer loss, we survive, our faith is tested, we overcome, sometimes our dreams come true, miracles happen, parenthood is tough, sometimes we feel out of control, and life remains challenging, and we don't have it all together. And it's okay. It's okay to admit it and ask for help. That has been difficult for me to realize. I've already been surprised by the number of friends and family members, out of the very few I've talked to about this, who have struggled with some similar issues. It always helps to know we aren't alone in our struggles. As always, thanks for letting me share and thank you for continuing to read.

Agnes Faith

This is the fifth post in a series about our babies in heaven, all miscarried in the first trimester. The first four can be found here: Emily Grace, Callie Elizabeth, Luke Daniel, Adam Louis. Thank you for remembering them with me.
***

Every single loss is hard. Each one broke our hearts. It took a while for us to pick up the pieces after we lost our fourth baby. We thought surely, after finding out about the uterine septum and having it removed, we had figured things out and would be bringing home our baby. Instead we had another unfulfilled due date, in February 2006.

After the miscarriage we'd kept ourselves from the doctor visits. We didn't return until February, seven months later, for a consultation. Our doctor gave us a few suggestions that we could look into. It was good to have options, but it definitely felt a lot like grasping at straws. Try seeing a urologist for further sperm testing. Talk to a high-risk pregnancy doctor. Consult with a geneticist. Have lots and lots more blood work. (It's a good thing I'm not afraid of needles.)

My husband saw the urologist and was tested for sperm fragmentation. That turned out fine. No worries there. The high-risk pregnancy doc did some tests and thought we could try using blood thinners with the next pregnancy. My doctor was on board with this and we were willing to try it. The geneticist, after looking over all of our history, determined that she didn't think a healthy, full-term pregnancy was completely out of the question for us. Although we knew these were all just ideas and medical opinions, that was particularly nice to hear since our former OB/GYN would later call me on the phone and tell me that she thought I had a genetic problem that would prevent me from ever having a biological child. Wow. Talk about having the breath knocked out of you. Looking back I realize what an inappropriate opinion that was to give a patient, over the phone, when you aren't even qualified as an infertility specialist. Some days it truly felt like everything was working against us.

We knew the odds didn't look good. But we weren't ready to give up yet. There were many, many days when I thought about it. I felt incredibly weak. I was tired and discouraged, and depressed. It became increasingly harder for me to go anywhere and to face all of the questions about why we didn't have any children and what we were doing about it. Everyone had an opinion, a suggestion, and just the right answer for what we should be doing. They said we weren't thinking positively enough, we were worrying too much, we needed to take a break and relax. They said that this was all happening for a reason and that God wouldn't give me more than I could handle. And I began to hate hearing all of it. All of those words made us feel like we were doing something wrong; like it was my fault that our children couldn't survive in my womb. Or that God was trying to teach me a really hard lesson that I was apparently too dumb or had too little faith to grasp.

And so I started keeping it all inside and sharing as little information as possible with those people I knew didn't really care and were just curious. I stopped going to baby showers because it was just too hard. Even going to church was becoming almost unbearable. While I never turned my back on God, I definitely began to question His plan and wonder why this was happening to us, and why it happens to anyone at all.

Even in this state of mind, though, there was a determination inside of me. The desire to be a mother had grown, moving me forward and helping me to take another step, even if it felt small. I had a husband beside me who never gave up hope and always believed that we would have children. And through all of it, God really was teaching me new things about my weakness and His strength. He was teaching me about waiting and trusting and resting and hoping, and above all, about realizing that I serve a God who is infinitely bigger than my circumstances, my fears, and even infertility and miscarriage.

And so, after a new round of tests that revealed no obvious problem but with a few new options to try, we found out about our fifth pregnancy on July 27, 2006. With this pregnancy I began using daily Lovenox (blood thinner) injections in my stomach. Even with no fear of needles, it was a hard thing for me to get used to at first but became a bit easier as time went on. A blood test confirmed the pregnancy and we were back to waiting and hoping for good news. A few days later things were looking pretty good. The HCG levels were rising and progesterone looked good.

We were feeling confident. So much so that we made the (just over 2 hour) drive to Louisiana to celebrate my mom's birthday on August 6th. On Monday the 7th I went for more lab work. I felt hopeful as I waited to hear more good news, but it was not to be. The call would come later the next day, but before the phone ever rang I already knew. I woke up the morning of August 8, 2006 with cramps and bleeding, knowing I was losing the baby. I had been only about 6 weeks along.

It surprises me today to read what I wrote in my journal in the days after our fifth miscarriage. Somewhere inside I still believed it would happen and knew at that point that we would give it at least one more try. It might sound crazy but we suddenly had the feeling that we were getting closer. At that point it felt like we'd been climbing the mountain for so long that we must be near the top, even though we still couldn't see it. We had to be closer.

We've named this sweet baby Agnes Faith.

I know that Agnes isn't exactly a trendy name these days. While I consider it a classic, it's not one of those that is enjoying a big comeback. It was, however, my great-grandmother's name, and she was truly a treasure. She was the most precious, sweet, kind, gentle, French-speaking old Cajun lady that you could ever imagine, and we all adored her. My mom was particularly close to her grandmother, and Mom was always so pleased to have Granny's name, Agnes, as her middle name.

August 8th, the day I miscarried, was Granny's birthday. She passed away in 1999, but I have so many fond memories of her. There were exactly 101 years separating my Granny and my little Agnes. I'm incredibly honored to name my daughter after her and after my sweet mom as well.

My mom is amazing and has been such a huge supporter and great influence in my life, teaching me about faith and modeling the kind of mother I always hoped to be. When I think of the name Agnes, I have two wonderful and strong women who immediately come to mind. I like to think my sweet little Agnes would have followed in their footsteps.

Her middle name is pretty self-explanatory. Faith. It's something I can't imagine my life without and it's the number one thing that helped me through this struggle. Without my faith in God I don't want to imagine where I'd be today.

Agnes Faith,
Oh sweet girl, your name is very special to us and we love imagining what kind of woman you might have grown up to be. We miss you, sweet one, and love you so much! I can't wait to wrap my arms around you.
Love, Mommy

Happy New Year (almost a month late)!

Hello friends! Thanks for the sweet comments about the birth of our second little miracle. Anna is doing great and will (already!) be two months old on Monday. She is a very sweet baby and is a joy to have in our family. We are thrilled that she is here, and that we have two beautiful daughters after such a long season of waiting.

Anna has a sweet personality, loves to be held and talked to, and loves to eat! She's a little butterball and is much chunkier than Lily was at this age. Fortunately Anna and I got off to a great start with breastfeeding and it is still going smoothly. Lily is adjusting well and enjoys being a big sister. She pretty much does her own thing most of the time, but she likes to help and occasionally asks to hold Anna or just stops by to hold her hand or give her a kiss. Having two girls is super sweet! I look forward to watching them grow together and form a special bond as sisters over the years.

Adjusting to two children 26 months apart has been a challenge for me as a stay-at-home mom. I LOVE being at home with my girls; it's just been a matter of trying to find (and being flexible with) an ever-changing new routine. Things are settling down now that we are two months in, though, and Anna has a pretty decent sleeping pattern. We have moved out of the zombie parent stage and are now just your average tired parents. :) Both girls are actually napping right now and my hubby is running errands. It still comes as a nice surprise when I have a bit of "free" time. I'm happy to be able to dust off the laptop and update the old blog this afternoon!

We had a busy but joyful holiday season and were fortunate to have our families come to us this time since we weren't keen on traveling with a newborn. Anna got to meet all of her immediate aunts, uncles, and cousins even though she hasn't made her first trip home to Louisiana just yet.

You might remember that I was diagnosed with melanoma last spring, right after we found out we were expecting Anna, and that I had surgery on my right arm last June. Just as an update, I had my 6-month checkup in December, which included a chest x-ray -- common after a melanoma diagnosis since it can spread to the lungs. My x-ray showed some spots on the right lung, so I had a follow-up CT scan earlier this month to check those out. Yesterday I heard that the spots are benign (thankfully!), but that they want to do an ultrasound of a suspicious-looking lymph node under my right arm. (Hopefully it's just due to the fact that I'm breastfeeding, but they are very thorough at this hospital and I'm glad!) I'll be scheduling that pretty soon. It's all still pretty standard and routine, but I continue to deal with this melanoma almost a full year later and am hoping to soon get the all-clear. I often remind people -- YOU! -- to keep a close eye on anything unusual on your skin and see your dermatologist for regular checkups. It's always better to catch these things early, and I'm so fortunate that it happened that way for me!

January always brings feelings of starting over, and I'm feeling that in many ways as we start 2013. We're settling into a new home with a new baby this January. And yesterday was my birthday, so I'm starting off a new year in that regard as well. Thirty-six years old, and life is looking so much different from how it looked just a few short years ago. We're sometimes stressed, oftentimes overwhelmed, but always, always THANKFUL and deeply JOYFUL for the gifts we've been given.

I wish you all a happy and healthy new year, and continue to pray specifically for those who are continuing along on the infertility journey. Please drop me a line, send an email, or leave a comment and let me know what's new with all of you!

Here are some family pics we had taken in early December to use for our Christmas cards. Hope you had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year -- even though it's almost February! :)

A Trip, A Milestone, A Surgery, and An Anniversary

It has been nearly a month since my last update, and a very busy one at that. Here's the rundown and lots of updates with the help of some Instagram photos:

May 17 - We traveled to Houston very early in the morning for the first trimester screening ultrasound. We opted out of this test with our last pregnancy, so it was new for us this time. The baby still looked great, had a good heartbeat, and was moving around. It always lifts my spirits to see that! We got the results the following week that everything looked normal.

May 18-26 - We hit the road for a long drive to N Louisiana to attend my mother-in-law's retirement party. It was great to see lots of family and friends there and to celebrate a great achievement for her after 26 years of being an elementary school teacher and librarian.
After the party was over we loaded back up in the car to head southeast until we arrived at our vacation destination of Gulf Shores, Alabama. We met my sister and her family there and stayed all together in a beach house we'd reserved for the week. It was Lily's first vacation and first trip to the beach. She had a great time!

I think the pool was her favorite, but she did enjoy the beach after she got used to it a little. We learned that vacationing with a toddler is not exactly simple, and her sleep schedule got ALL messed up (we're still trying to get it back) but it was worth it to spend a week away with family and make lots of fun memories. Lily also picked up two new states on our road trip, bringing her total number of states visited to 5 (TX, LA, OK, MS, and AL). Not too bad for a 20 month old!

May 27 - Right after we returned home from the beach, we hit a big milestone with our current pregnancy: the second trimester. As you know if you read this blog regularly, this is only our second time to make it this far out of eight pregnancies. It was definitely a reason to celebrate and rejoice!

May 31/June 1 - We spent almost all day on May 31 at MD Anderson cancer hospital doing all of the pre-op stuff for my melanoma surgery. My mom had come the day before and stayed at home with Lily, which was a huge help for us. My surgery was early on the morning of June 1 and everything went well. I'm feeling extremely relieved to have that part behind me since the diagnosis in April. Everyone was great at MDA and took really good care of the baby and me. Someone came to check the baby's heartbeat before and after surgery (it took about 10 minutes to find the heartbeat with the Doppler after the surgery, which was the most terrifying moment of the whole day!) and I was back home and resting shortly after noon that day. My new scar is pretty big, but I'm thankful for it and the fact that we caught this thing so early. I hope it will remind others to keep an eye on anything unusual on their skin and to keep themselves well protected in the sun.

It has been a week since the surgery and the arm is doing well. It's still a bit sore but is healing up nicely. I'll go back to have the stitches removed in about 2 more weeks. The pathology report should be back within the next week or so, and we're hoping that all margins will be clear and that this whole thing will be over!

June 6 - We celebrated 14 years of marriage on the 6th of June. My mom had stayed until the day after the surgery and then my sister-in-law came to help out with Lily for the next 4 days. This was a tremendous help as I continued to recover, and it also meant that we had a babysitter for our anniversary on Wednesday! It's a rare treat for us to go out on a date these days. We enjoyed a nice dinner and trip to the bookstore while Lily played with her aunt. When we got home around 9 PM, she was all tucked into her bed and fast asleep. We were really proud of our big girl!

(The hubs and I on our date. Not the greatest pic of us, but oh well. :))

Quite a lot has happened and changed for us over the past 14 years. There have been lots of ups and downs and life has thrown us some curve balls, but I'm beyond thankful to have my amazing, supportive husband to walk beside me through it all. Truly, I have no idea what I would do without him!

That's what we've been up to for the past several weeks. Tomorrow I'll be 15 weeks and my first OB appointment (since graduating from the RE) will be Monday. Things seem to be settling down a bit and we're looking forward to a (hopefully) peaceful and uneventful summer!

Graduation

It's the time of year for graduations and for celebrations. Friends, we've graduated! Yesterday was our last ultrasound with Dr G and the end of our time with the fertility specialist for this pregnancy. We've been "promoted" to the regular OB, which is a big milestone for us to reach. I'll be scheduling my first visit with my same OB from last time, Dr R, in the next couple of weeks. It feels wonderful to have made it to this point. I'll be 11 weeks on Sunday and the second trimester is just around the corner. Praise God!

Out of seven previous pregnancies, only one of our babies ever survived for this long in the womb. She lives and breathes, walks and talks, and is currently sleeping in the bedroom down the hall. I'm still amazed by that. It makes me feel very hopeful and excited about pregnancy number eight as the days and weeks pass. With the skin cancer and the pregnancy happening all at once, there have been more doctor's appointments and trips to the big city in the past two months than we usually have in a year. Rather than complaining, though, I'm thankful in a way for all of the activity. That, in addition to taking care of a sweet toddler every day, has kept my mind occupied and my worries mostly under control simply because there has been so much to do. The first trimester has practically flown by, which has never happened to me before.

Our little one looked fantastic at yesterday's appointment. Ultrasounds will probably always make me nervous, but each time we have one with good news it's like a balm for our hearts that were hurt by so many bad ones. The first thing we noticed when the baby came into view was how much he or she had grown. That little body (still less than two inches long) almost filled up the screen, and we were thrilled to see a busy and active baby with legs kicking and arms waving! It was adorable, and all we could do was smile at each other during the exam. Baby is still growing right on track and looked normal for 10w4d. Heart rate was 170 bpm.

We have a bit of a crazy schedule over the next few weeks, so I expect that the rest of May will be gone in a flash. This weekend is full with family in town and birthday plans for my sister-in-law. Next Thursday we'll have one more ultrasound for the first trimester screening test. On Friday we'll head north to attend my mother-in-law's retirement party before heading back south to vacation with my sister's family at the beach for a week. After we get back, I'll have my pre-op appointment on May 31 and the melanoma surgery (finally!) on June 1.

I'll be welcoming a bit of a slower pace by then I'm sure, and I'm very much looking forward to settling into the second trimester with most of my worries put to rest. Thank you for all of your continued support, sweet comments, and precious prayers!

For those of you who are bracing yourselves for another tough Mother's Day weekend, please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. I'll never, ever forget what that felt like and I'll always remember to pray for those who are hurting from infertility and loss, especially on that day. Much love to all of you!

Amazed

Today was my appointment with the maternal fetal medicine doctor. This was the visit that the melanoma surgeon wanted me to do before we schedule the surgery, just to have the baby checked out and all of my questions answered before we move forward.

It was a great experience from beginning to end. I felt an immediate rapport with this doctor when I spoke with her on the phone last week, and she was just as kind and friendly in person. We had to drive about an hour to get there and we arrived about a half hour early but didn't have to wait long before we were called back to start the ultrasound. I'm still amazed hours later as I sit down to try and put the experience into words. I had a couple of 3D ultrasounds during my pregnancy with Lily and they are always pretty amazing, but I've never had the experience so early on in a pregnancy before. I think that's what was so awesome to us today, to see so much of the miracle of new life in such detail at a little over 9 weeks. It served as a wonderful display of a God who performs miracles and whose timing is always perfect! I've been in awe of Him all afternoon.

My eyes filled with tears as we saw that tiny, perfect baby on the screen. We saw his or her heart beating, and brand new little arm and leg buds. For the first time in this pregnancy we saw the baby moving around, too, which was the next big milestone we were hoping to see at next week's ultrasound. It was a very special moment, and at one point I exclaimed, "Wow!" and Lily echoed the word back in her sweet little voice. :)

After we got a good look at the baby and all of the appropriate measurements were taken (baby is growing "right on target," which is music to our ears), we sat down with the doctor for a while to talk about everything and ask any questions we had. I found out a few days ago that they will not have to test the lymph nodes around the melanoma site, which is great news. The doctor today cleared me to go ahead with the surgery whenever we can get it scheduled. I still have about three weeks to go until the second trimester, so it shouldn't be too much longer before we can get it all taken care of.

I have to honestly say that today is the first day during this pregnancy that I've begun to feel RELIEVED. We still have some relatively small hurdles coming up, but I'm starting to let myself believe that this is going to happen and that it will be okay -- that this baby will survive growing in my body and actually come home to live with us. I'm trusting, believing, and hoping. I saw this quote on a devotional site this week and loved it: "Trust (in God) chooses faith over fear, confidence over cowardice, and power over panic." That's exactly what I want to do!

**I never want anything I post here to cause any additional pain to anyone who is hurting from infertility or miscarriage, which is why I've always refrained from posting ultrasound images, pictures of pregnancy tests, or belly pics on my blog. I want to make a picture from today's appointment available for you to see if you want to, though, so I'll attach it through the following link. It's the image that left me feeling completely overwhelmed -- in a good way -- today: Ultrasound Picture

Still Good

It's a busy Friday here as we're getting ready to head out of town to celebrate my sister's birthday. I wanted to write a super quick post about the ultrasound yesterday so everything will be up to date.

We're so happy that it was good news again at yesterday's appointment. You know, with this being my eighth pregnancy and even after the last one was a success, I'm still a nervous wreck each and every time. I don't think anything can make a person forget the sad memories of hearing bad news in rooms exactly like that one. My heart is always in my throat as we wait to see that fuzzy image come into focus and especially as we wait to see that little fluttering heart.

Our little bean is growing normally and everything was looking right on track for 8w4d. Heart rate was 179. We were able to take deep breaths and are now focusing on the next appointment in two weeks, on May 10. Having lost a baby before at close to this stage in the game, 9 weeks, I'm very anxious for these next two weeks to pass by without incident and hopefully still see that growing little miracle the next time we go see the doctor.

Today I'm resting in the fact that it's good news! Praise God!

As a side note: We haven't been working very hard to get Lily to realize that there's a new baby coming just yet. During our prayer time every night before we put her to bed, though, we pray that God will protect the baby brother or sister in Mommy's tummy. At 19 months we weren't sure how much she might understand. Today I thought I'd see how much she might remember. I asked her, "Where's Mommy's baby?" To my sweet surprise, she patted my tummy. It brought tears to my eyes and filled my heart with so much joy! My precious girl knows more than I realized.

Consultation and Jumbled Thoughts

My mind is racing today and I'm finding it difficult to rest right now even though Lily is napping. I thought it would be best to just write it all out here and hopefully feel some relief.

Yesterday was my first trip to MD Anderson as a patient. I've been to the big, famous cancer hospital twice before with two different friends who were receiving treatment for breast cancer, but this was my first time to go for me. I can say from experience that, every time you go there, it's a memorable and a sobering experience.

I want to start by saying this: I know that I'm going to be okay. I don't wish to sound remotely melodramatic about this melanoma diagnosis. I know that, while it is a very serious and potentially fatal disease, I'm fortunate that mine was found early and can be treated successfully with surgery. I have friends and family members who have fought different types of cancer -- some who have survived and some who have not. Knowing that my chances of even undergoing any type of chemotherapy or radiation in this case are between slim and none, I would never compare this experience of mine to any of those life-threatening ones.

It is a scary thing, however, to face cancer of any kind growing in or on your body. And scarier still, for me, is the fact that I'm already in the riskier stages of pregnancy. I was reassured yesterday by no fewer than three doctors that they will take the utmost care of me and my baby, and I believe that they will do just that. I know that, even without the skin cancer diagnosis, I would be feeling just as nervous about simply being 7.5 weeks pregnant right now.

I didn't get as many questions answered yesterday as I'd hoped, because for some reason my pathology slides had not arrived. This was disappointing because the doctor wasn't able to review them and decide on exactly what my treatment will be and when. I do know that I'll be having surgery, and my doctor was pretty sure that he wants to wait until I'm in my second trimester to do it. He said that, especially considering my history with first trimester miscarriage, he wants to go the safest route. That means it will probably be at least 6 more weeks. I hate to have to wait, but obviously I trust his opinion (he is the best melanoma surgeon in the country, after all!) and I'm willing to do whatever is best for the health of the baby. So, at the least, I'll have the skin around the area of the mole removed to make sure they get all of the cancer. At the most, I'll have that surgery plus a procedure to test the lymph nodes around the site. We don't know if that part will be necessary until he can review the slides, so I'm waiting to hear back from them on that and to get the date scheduled. And I met with more than one doctor who reassured me that there will be someone from maternal fetal medicine who will monitor the baby before and after the surgery and make sure everything is okay.

I know that I'm in good hands and will receive excellent care. But I'm being perfectly honest with you when I tell you that I'm stressed. Really stressed. It's unnerving, to say the least, to spend the day talking to doctors about cancer and surgery and pregnancy all at once. It felt like an out-of-body experience when I signed a consent form to participate in a research study about cancer and pregnancy. It was one of those I-can't-believe-I'm-doing-this kinds of feelings. All the while, though, I couldn't help but think of people (a few I know and so many that I don't) who have sat in rooms like those and heard much, much scarier things. Several years ago I had a dear friend who learned toward the end of her pregnancy with her third child that she was facing leukemia. I still think about her all the time, and how brave she was and what her struggle must have felt like as she fought for her life with three young children at home. That sweet friend is in heaven now but she is often in my thoughts.

I'm grateful that that isn't the road I'm on right now. And although it's so hard to imagine, I know that my God would see me through a trial such as that one just as He did my friend, who took the time to call and encourage me about recurrent miscarriage even as she fought leukemia. Actually, I feel very very weak when I think about people as strong as she was.

Even though it feels scary, I know that this is going to be okay. I'm not saying that I know for sure that everything will go exactly the way I want it to and be perfect. I don't know that. But I know that, whatever happens, the Lord will take care of me. Perhaps you don't believe the same way that I do, but I have complete faith and trust in my God. I've been through miscarriage before and I know that if it happens again He will see me through. I've been through surgery before, too, and I know I won't be alone when it happens again.

Although I feel uncertain and shaky right now, I'm keeping my eyes on Him because it's all I know to do. The words to this Bebo Norman song have been playing in my head and comforting me today. Thought I'd leave you with the chorus:

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

Heartbeat

For two weeks I've been telling myself that, by tonight, we would be either very happy or very sad. At today's ultrasound we would hear either good news or bad.

Today, it's good!

We were able to see a very tiny baby with a healthy heartbeat of 123.

It was a huge relief for today! I have to take this one day at a time and enjoy each and every victory, so in that regard we are very happy and relieved. Because of my experiences having miscarried at 9 weeks and 10 weeks and 11 weeks, I know that I won't fully take a deep breath until we are well into the second trimester. That's not pessimism speaking, friends. It's my life and it's how I approach things now, but it doesn't mean that I don't have faith and hope that this baby will survive! I'm counting on that and praying with all my heart that we will keep getting more good news, two weeks at a time.

At my first appointment, I explained to my doctor that my cycles had been a bit long for the past few months. Already he suspected that I ovulated late, so with today's ultrasound and the one from two weeks ago, he adjusted the dates with that in mind and said that everything looked right on schedule. I do have to readjust the dates here, though, and I sure hate to have to back them up a little. Today I'm officially 6w4d, so that will be 7 weeks on Sunday. And my new due date is December 2.

I'll sleep well tonight knowing that this first big step is behind us. We're anticipating the next ultrasound on April 26. I have the consultation with the melanoma surgeon coming up on Tuesday, so I'm eager to get that done and find out when the surgery will take place.

Things are crawling along and I can't help but wish that I could fast forward through the rest of this month (and maybe the next one too?) to arrive at a place that is a little more stable and peaceful. But we're hanging in there... one day and one step at a time.

Today, there is life to celebrate. There is a tiny little heart beating away. And that makes my heart very happy.

The "M" Word

Thank you for all of the sweet and supportive comments, friends. I'm doing well. So far so good, although I can't say I don't spend some time thinking about the "m" word -- miscarriage.

Right now I'm 6 weeks, 2 days. I know it's true for any pregnancy, but these next 5-6 weeks will be critical. I can't help but anticipate the next ultrasound appointment next Thursday. When I was pregnant with Lily, my second ultrasound was at 6w5d, and we saw and heard that wonderful little heartbeat that began to put our minds at ease. I'll be three days further along with this baby at the time of the ultrasound, so I'm hoping and praying that it will be good news. I'm desperate to see that heart beating. Thankfully my appointment is early that morning, so I won't have to wait all day to find out if it's good news or bad.

With a history like mine, I can't help but think about miscarriage sometimes. I am, however, feeling hopeful and find myself making plans and daydreaming about a family of four. At this point, though, all I can do is hope and pray. And wait.

In the meantime, I got some other news this week about another unpleasant "m" word.

Let's back up to two weeks ago, March 23, two days before I got the positive pregnancy test. I had my annual checkup with my dermatologist that day. It had been a little over a year since I'd seen her last because of being busier in general with a toddler. Last time I was in her office, I was 7 or 8 months pregnant. (Imagine trying to fit all of that into a paper gown!) My husband and I have been getting these checkups every year for the past 10 years because we are both fair-skinned and have several moles that we like to keep an eye on. Hubby has a family history of skin cancer, from both his mother and grandmother, and our routine visits paid off about 5 years ago when our doctor found an early melanoma on his back and was able to remove it. Since then we've been even more careful to keep our checkups up to date.

At my appointment two weeks ago, the doc decided to biopsy a mole on my arm that had grown quite a bit since my last visit a year and a half ago. In the past 10 years I have had three previous biopsies: from my arm, my back, and the top of my head. All have come back negative for skin cancer, until now. I got a call this week to come in and "discuss" my pathology report, and I had a sinking feeling that all was not fine. So, I heard that other "m" word, melanoma, on Wednesday.

The two good things about this are that we caught it early, and that I happen to live near a city with an excellent cancer hospital. I have an appointment for a consultation on April 17 with the melanoma surgeon there, and then we'll schedule a date to have this nasty thing removed. I'm ready to get it over with, just for peace of mind. There's never a good time to learn that you have cancer growing on your skin, but it's particularly unnerving for me to think about it at all while there's a baby growing -- hopefully -- in my body.

I know it's all going to be okay; it has just been a lot for me to deal with all at once. The early weeks of pregnancy generally provide just about all the stress I can handle! It's been a tough week for me, but I'm holding out hope that the next few weeks will hold signs of a healthy, growing baby and a quick resolution of this melanoma on my arm.

Again, thanks for your words of encouragement and thanks for your continued prayers for us and for baby.

Just Lucky?

Thanks for the encouraging comments on my last post. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my feelings, but at the same time I always hate that others are struggling with some aspect of infertility, too.

We had a lovely anniversary. It was on a Monday this year, so it was a regular work day for my husband and a regular day at home for Lily and me. That evening the three of us went out to dinner together to celebrate. We weren't at all sad that we weren't able to go out alone on that day. That's nice to do, but it was really great to be together. We had 12 anniversaries without children and were so happy to have her with us for the occasion this year.

Two days later we had our follow-up visit with our RE. We have to drive into Houston to get there so we dropped Lily off with her aunt (my sister-in-law), who was very excited to spend some one-on-one time with her. (That evening Lily stayed with her aunt again for a couple of hours while we went out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary... again. We had a very nice time but we sure did miss our girl! It was so sweet to come back to her smiling face.)

It felt very strange to be back at the doctor's office. There was a couple in the elevator with us on the way out who looked nervous and uncertain, and we both wondered what kind of news they had gotten or what they were facing. We said nothing to them, though, because we know there just aren't any words that help during that time. Still, our hearts were very sensitive to those around us who were still waiting on their babies. And while I would have liked for Lily to have met Dr. G, I was glad she was happily playing at Aunt Allie's house instead of in the waiting room with us, just in case it might have caused anyone additional sadness or hurt.

As I wrote in the last post, I was unsure what to expect from this appointment going into it. I was not expecting that it would be treated as my well-woman exam. Frankly, I thought I was going to remain clothed during the visit and was a bit surprised when we were led to an exam room and I was instructed to undress from the waist down. No harm done, of course -- I'm used to those appointments by now. And I don't have to worry about having another well-woman visit for a whole year, which is always good.

The checkup didn't take long and we did have a little bit of time to chat with the doctor. My main question that I wanted to ask was whether he thought that using Femara and Ovidrel was what made the difference for this pregnancy. Did it help our chances because we started with a really good egg? I had, of course, hoped that the answer would be yes. Unfortunately, his response was that we had either started with a really good egg... OR we had just gotten lucky this time.

Now, I know that you know that I attribute Lily's existence to God and His power. That won't ever change! I won't dwell on the whole matter of God or luck in this post because I think it's clear to you what I believe. And I don't think that the doctor was trying to discount that either. I think that, in his medical opinion, he simply can't determine medically whether the fertility meds aided in the success of our seventh pregnancy, or whether it was just the one that worked.

To be honest with you, it was the answer I feared. It would have been great to know that we could identify exactly what to do to increase our chances of another successful pregnancy. It would have been so reassuring to know that we had a solution -- a way to avoid going back to where we've been so many times in the past when we've gotten pregnant and lost the baby.

If/when we do try again, we will have to make the choice of either trying on our own or doing what we did last time. Either way, I know it will be in God's hands.

I'm thankful that we do have Lily. I'm grateful that God intervened and gave us a beautiful daughter to love here on earth. I'm confident that He knows what my future holds even when I feel scared to move forward.

And, no matter how it turns out, I'm relieved that I can trust Him instead of relying on luck.

Starting Again

I know you can read a lot into a title like that. No, it doesn't mean that we are trying to have a baby again. Not yet, anyway. I have no idea when that might be, but we would love to have another baby someday if the Lord should allow it to happen again. At this point, the thought of trying again still scares me.

Starting over is a tough thing. I've been thinking about it a lot this week for two reasons. First of all, last Sunday was cycle day one. That means that I got my period... for the first time since December 21, 2009. It was the start of my first cycle since the baby was born, and I'll admit it came as a bit of a surprise. I guess I wasn't completely shocked -- I am still nursing, but only about 3-4 times a day now that Lily is eating mostly baby food. I'd started feeling kind of crampy a couple of days before and wondered if maybe...? Then Sunday morning I woke up and there it was.

Starting again.

I had mixed feelings. Mostly I felt sad because it feels like my baby is growing so fast. But I also felt sad because of all that this monthly visitor signifies. It reminds me of months and years of heartache and disappointments. And in a way it means that my "time off" from not obsessing over infertility/miscarriage is over. Having a break from that has been... wonderful. It has been incredibly healing for my heart that the subject hasn't been at the forefront of my mind for the past year and a half. It's not that I haven't worried. Oh, I have. Being pregnant after six miscarriages was absolutely not worry-free for me. Once the baby was here, though, I was able to focus all of my energy on taking care of her, and that's what I've done for the past eight months. That's what I'll continue to do, of course, but now I feel those questions and concerns creeping back in.

The other reason that starting over has been on my mind is that we have an appointment with our RE (our fertility specialist, Dr. G) this week. We haven't seen him since the end of my first trimester with Lily. We were supposed to schedule a visit with him when she was about 3 months old, but it just never happened. Her 3-month mark was right around Christmas and time just got away from us, so here we are 5 months later, finally making the appointment. I really don't even know what to expect from this visit or what we'll discuss. It's not that I feel pressure to jump right in to trying again or anything like that. I'm fully aware that the ball is in our court here. The only pressure I feel right now is time. I know that if we do have another baby, it's best to try sooner rather than later. Certainly I realize that having this appointment doesn't mean we have to start that timeline immediately.

And maybe it sounds funny, but I even feel kinda ridiculous talking about having another baby sometimes. Not because we don't want it. We really, really do. We talk about it often and imagine it regularly. A sibling for Lily...

Still I can't forget that it took six babies in heaven before we ever had one to keep on earth. What might it take to have a second? Will we have to go through loss again before we have another successful pregnancy? And like the last time, I know that we won't know those answers until we try. That's the scary part.

But like the last time, and every time before, I'm trusting the Lord. He knows IF and WHEN and HOW. Those are the big things that I wonder when I entertain thoughts of having another baby -- If it will even happen at all, and if so, when? More importantly, how?

I don't know what the next steps are right now. I don't know what starting again will look like or whether I'm even ready to think about it yet. For now I just want to be right here where I am, looking back on how far we've come and enjoying the here and now.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Thirteen years married, and so much has happened since our wedding day. Those 13 years include 6 years of recurrent pregnancy loss followed by 3 years of infertility. And finally now, almost a whole year of parenthood. I feel so fortunate to have this man that God gave me walking beside me through all of it.

Happy anniversary to the sweetest, kindest, funniest, and most supportive man I know!

Short Update and Pics

Hello friends! It's been a long time away from the blog this month. There are lots of things I'd like to write about lately, so I'm hoping to be a little bit better about managing my time. I thought I'd write just a quick update and share a few of Lily's six-month pictures that we had made at Target a few weeks ago. In another week she'll be seven months old already!

Lily had her six-month checkup with her doctor at the beginning of this month (so she was really 6.5 months old). I have to say I knew that she'd grown quite a bit this time but her weight surprised me a little! My chunky monkey weighed 17 pounds and 3 ounces and was just over 26 inches long. She has now doubled her birth weight and her doctor says she is doing great.

I'm so thankful that she has been doing so well, and the introduction of solid foods has been a success. It kind-of freaked me out, then, that the day after her checkup she wanted absolutely nothing to do with her cereal, fruits, or vegetables. I figured she just wasn't feeling like herself and had lost her appetite because of the nasty shots and fever that she always has the next day, but it continued for an entire week, long after the fever was gone. Each day she seemed to get a little bit better, though, so I guess she just needed some time. Thankfully, she was still nursing regularly even though she'd lost interest in other food. It is a relief to see her back to her old self again and eating like a champ. I am very, very happy that she won't have to have any shots for six more months!

Here are some of our favorites from her photo shoot at Target. (It did take two attempts to get a good session. The first one wound up being too close to nap time and we had a fussy baby on our hands! Our rescheduled session went great.) It's amazing to see how much she has changed in the couple of weeks since we had these pictures taken. She is now sitting up without support and I think her hair has even grown a bit. It seems she is growing and changing faster than we can keep up!





As you can see, she still has no teeth! Love that gummy baby smile. :)

Counting Down

At Thursday's appointment we had the ultrasound first before seeing the doctor. I was surprised that on the short drive over, I felt some of those same nerves that I always associate with ultrasound visits. Even at this stage the familiar worries return. I think I'll always be that way when it comes to ultrasounds. I guess old habits do die hard.

Anyway, baby Lily looked so great! The tech took her time doing all of the necessary measurements, and we got good looks at her brain, heart, and kidneys. The amniotic fluid level was good, as well as the blood flow around the cord. It was interesting to see that she is in the position that I suspected - head down, body along the left side of my belly, and feet tucked just below my ribs on my right side. We were not expecting to leave with a few new snapshots of our girl, but we did get another profile shot (2D) and a pretty good pic of her face in 3D! I've added the two new images to the ultrasound photo link in the sidebar if you'd like to check them out. Maybe this sounds strange, but I still don't have a clear picture in my head of what she actually looks like. As many peeks as we've had, I guess nothing will compare to actually seeing her face to face.

So, you probably remember that the point of this ultrasound was to try to determine the baby's size. Based on the measurements, they think she weighs 7 pounds, 13 ounces! That was Thursday, so at that time she still had 12 days of growing to do before her scheduled delivery day. We are pretty certain that she'll be more than 8 pounds at birth. It was a huge relief simply to see that she is continuing to do well. I feel like a broken record when I say this, but it still boggles my mind that we could be this far along with a healthy pregnancy. I think after going through multiple losses you begin to train yourself to think that it could never happen inside your womb, but I believe that every day of her existence has been nothing short of a miracle. As of today we are 38 weeks pregnant and 14 days away from the official due date. Incredible!

Next we saw Dr. R for the weekly visit. She went over all of the ultrasound images, measurements, and charts, and said the baby is looking really good. She also determined that she did not think it was necessary to move the delivery to an earlier date. We are still shooting for September 21! The baby's chest circumference was in the 90th percentile and her other measurements were in the 80th. The doctor certainly acknowledged that Lily has grown fairly quickly in the last few weeks, but was confident that waiting until 39 weeks will be best for her. Lily could decide otherwise! After the exam, though, she said things are still firm and closed and the baby has not dropped, so nothing major has started happening. I do have contractions every day and sometimes quite a few in the evenings, but they have not been regular enough to cause us to make any phone calls to nurses or family members just yet!

We are using this weekend to relax at home and get caught up on laundry, grocery shopping, and house cleaning. After this one, we have only one more weekend until her arrival! We are in awe every day and it doesn't take much for us to get teary-eyed when we think of all of it: the long, bumpy road behind us, our babies in heaven, God's faithfulness through hard times, and our overwhelming joy as we prepare to meet our sweet baby girl in just ten short days!

This is a little chalkboard sign that my dear husband made a few weeks ago for us to use as a countdown calendar. He drew the birdie on it and he updates it for me every morning! :)

Updates and Q&A

This week's OB visit was a bit more eventful than usual. Let me start by saying that everything is fine with baby and me! Things are still moving along very well. It was my 36-week visit, and week 37 is just around the corner.

I also wanted to take a minute to address a few questions that you've asked in the comments on the last couple of posts. I'll cover those in just a minute, but first here's how the appointment went:

I knew going into the visit that it was the week for my group B strep test and that the doctor would also begin checking my cervix this week. First, the nurse did the routine checks of my urine (still clear and free of protein), blood pressure (still nice and low at 122/60), and weight (+2 lbs). Dr R came in and we chatted about how close we are to the big event. I told her I was doing fine besides the lack of sleep and general third-trimester aches and pains!

Next, she measured my belly. Now, every other time that I've been to the OB, this measurement has been "right on target" with where it should be. This time, though, she commented about how the baby's size had really increased. This was not a surprise to me; I've noticed that in the last two weeks it suddenly looks like I'm (unsuccessfully) trying to hide a watermelon under my shirt. The doctor mentioned that we will have an ultrasound at our visit next week so we can check her size. We are excited about getting a peek at our girl again! That hasn't happened since week 22, so it will be really great to see her again at this stage.

During the exam the doctor found that my cervix is still pretty firm and is still closed, and the baby seems to be in a head-down position. After we talked about the apparent spike in her size, she asked me if the baby had been active that day. I explained that she had moved around for most of the night before, but on the day of the visit she had so far been pretty calm. I'd felt her move a little bit that morning but not too much since then (my appointment was late in the afternoon). She said we'd do a quick non-stress test just to be sure that everything was fine.

Surprisingly, I really wasn't terrified; I was just eager for some reassurance. Pretty soon I actually enjoyed being hooked up to the monitor and listening to Lily's heartbeat. (We do still have the doppler at home but we've never used it for that chunk of time before!) The great thing was that it didn't take very long for me to identify some activity from the baby about 6 different times. We could hear her heart rate increasing when this would happen, which is normal. It was also interesting to see the monitor tracking my contractions. I had at least half a dozen of them while I was hooked up, but they were not incredibly strong and not at all regular. The doctor said there were probably so many because she had just stirred things up by checking my cervix during the exam.

(As a side note: One of the nurses who was checking in on us while I was on the monitor was looking at my info, I guess to see if this was our first baby. She declared out loud that yes, this was our first "real baby." Because of my concern for Lily at the time, I resisted the urge to explain to her that ALL of the babies I've carried are REAL. They certainly weren't fake or imaginary!!!)

So, all of that is just to say that Lily is doing fine! Our "little" girl may not be very little anymore, but we will check on that when I go back Thursday of next week. The doctor hinted that there certainly is a possibility, though, that we may end up moving the C-section to an earlier date. She may arrive a bit sooner than we expected, folks!

Now for the Q&A part:
Jennie is new to my blog and recently asked if we conceived Lily on our own. I haven't talked about this in a while and thought now might be a good time to revisit it and give a brief explanation. I feel like it's misleading to answer either a simple yes or no to this question! What happened was that we did our first-ever timed cycle with fertility drugs in early December of last year. All six of our previous pregnancies were achieved on our own. Although we were under the care of doctors for the last four, we had not needed or used any methods of ART. Getting pregnant had not been our problem up until the three years after our last miscarriage in 2007. My cycles had become irregular and I had started missing periods altogether, so we decided on the new approach to guarantee ovulation. So in late November of 2009 I took a round of Clomid, had the follicle ultrasound and trigger shot, and we had our first IUI in December, which resulted in a negative.

We decided to try again with the very next cycle, except my doctor wanted to try Femara this time instead of Clomid. I started taking it the last week of December and we returned home from our holiday travels for the follicle scan. We had a great looking 29 mm follicle that seemed to be our best chance, so we had the Ovidrel (trigger shot) and were planning to return for our second IUI on January 2. Soon after that, we learned that there would be no doctor available on that day due to the holiday schedule, and our IUI was canceled. We were crushed! We felt like we had the perfect set-up and it was now going to be wasted just because it was the day after New Year's. To top it off, we were spending the week away from home and didn't have a whole lot of confidence in our opportunities to try on our own for a pregnancy. I remember how devastated and angry I felt about the whole thing, but a few weeks later I was reminded that the Lord doesn't need our planning or timing to be right for Him to take action! We discovered on January 20 that we had indeed gotten pregnant "on our own."

I hesitate to say it was completely on our own because we were doing a timed cycle with the help of Femara and Ovidrel, but Lily was technically conceived the old-fashioned way. Thanks for the question, Jennie, and thank you for reading the blog and offering your support. I'm sorry to hear of your own struggle with infertility and will be praying that you will find answers soon.

The second question was asked by both Birdie and Kathryn on my last post. They wondered why we are having Lily via a scheduled C-section. The reason we made this decision along with our doctor a few months back is because of the surgery I had on my uterus back in 2005 to remove a septum. Because the surgery was performed five years ago by a different doctor (and not even our current specialist), the OB had some concerns about the possibility of a rupture of the uterus if I went through regular labor. It's not that she was convinced that it would happen simply because I'd had a septum removed; it's more because there is really no way for her to know how thin the area might be or if the strength of my uterus was in any way compromised because of that surgery. This isn't something they can go back and look at via ultrasound, so we just decided that the safest way to go for both Lily and me was to do a scheduled C-section. After talking it over with our doctor on a few occasions, my husband and I were both completely at peace with and confident about this decision. We totally trust that this OB has our best interests in mind and wouldn't suggest major surgery unless she found it to be necessary or the safest plan for our specific situation.

So, as it stands now, we are scheduled for a C-section at noon on Tuesday, September 21. I may have new information next week after our next appointment and ultrasound to check the baby's size. If I do go into labor before our scheduled time, we will still have a C-section.

Thanks for the questions, guys! I wanted to address them in a post since I'm never sure if people will get my responses in the comments. I appreciate that you continue to follow my story on this blog. Thanks so much for your continued support and prayers as we get ready to bring this baby home in the next few weeks!

Showers of Blessing

Since I last wrote a blog post we had our fourth and final baby shower, had some maternity pictures taken, and I'm now quickly approaching 35 weeks. Although the proof is all around us, I still find it completely amazing that I will soon be nine months pregnant.

Our baby girl has been growing quite a bit over these last couple of weeks. I've noticed a huge change in the size of my belly even though I gained only one pound in the two weeks between my last OB visits. At yesterday's appointment, the doctor said the baby is a good size and her heartbeat is still sounding great. My blood pressure remains in the normal range and I couldn't be more grateful that this pregnancy has gone so smoothly. I think even when I would let myself imagine what it would be like to finally carry a baby for this long, I never dreamed it would be possible for me to experience a largely stress-free (at least for the last two trimesters) pregnancy after all we'd been through up to this point. Thank you, Lord!

My next appointment will be in two weeks and from there I'll begin seeing the doctor every week. Believe it or not, that means only THREE more OB visits until baby time! Unbelievable.

I will share some of our favorites from the maternity pics in the next post, but today I have a few from the last baby shower. This one was our local shower with mostly church friends, a few family members, and a few Louisiana friends who now also live in Texas. My precious friend Meagan did a fantastic job putting all of it together! It was beautiful and it was another very special day of celebration for our little Lily girl that will be in my heart forever.
Here are some photos from the day, August 7. (I was 33 weeks.)

Sweet, sweet little birdie cake!

Food and decorations. (We got to keep all of the adorable outfits that were hanging all around the room!)

Me with shower hostess and wonderful friend, Meagan.

Chuck and me :)

With my dear friends/family from home. That's me in the middle and my sister next to me with the dark hair. The two friends on either end are two of my oldest and dearest friends all the way since grade school. The lovely lady in the multi-colored blouse is a teacher/friend from my high school. It was so sweet to have them all there!

Each and every baby shower we've had the honor of having has been so precious to me. I can hardly find the words to say how much they have all meant to us and were more than we could have hoped for. Thank you to our friends and family for celebrating this miracle with us and praying us through to this point. We love you!

Busy, Busy, Busy

Hello friends! Since I have so many different updates for this week, I thought I'd give them to you in bullet points so I can keep them all nice and orderly. Can you tell I like lists? :)
Here goes!

• First, we had a great week with our oldest nephew, A, last week! At nine years old he is getting so big and far more independent. On his first night here he declared that he would be fine sleeping by himself in the guest room. His younger brother preferred to sleep in our bedroom in a sleeping bag the week before. I have to admit I was a little sad, but each night he did ask me to lie down with him until he was asleep! He is still my little cuddle-bug, thankfully. We are so happy that we were able to spend time with both of them individually this summer before we have a brand new baby in the house. It was a real treat for this aunt and uncle.
  



• This week I've been working very hard to get caught up with writing thank-you notes. I'm completely caught up, which is such a good feeling! I'm guessing I've written over a hundred already. My goal was to get them done before we have our fourth and final shower coming up next weekend and then I'll start all over again. This one will be local with many of our friends from church and some family. I'm looking forward to it! We are so, so thankful for the generosity and support.
  



• My mom is finally doing better after her back surgery two weeks ago. She did have some setbacks and had to stay in the hospital for much longer than expected. The surgery went well and her back is feeling great, but she continued to have severe pain in her leg. My mom is very, very tough, so we knew that it must be hurting her terribly. We were afraid she would have to have a second surgery, but they eventually diagnosed her with bursitis in her hip and continued to treat it with pain medication and cortizone injections. She was finally able to take walks up and down the hallway and practice building up some strength in her legs. She has been home from the hospital for two days now and is doing pretty well. She still has lots of healing and resting to do, which I know is a challenge for her since she stays so busy. She may still require another procedure in the future but for now we are just waiting. Thanks for the prayers for her! Please continue to pray for her recovery, and especially that she will be okay to come visit baby Lily in mid-September!



• Over the past couple of weeks Chuck and I have been gradually working on the nursery and I'm so happy to say that it is almost finished! I hope to get some pictures posted here to share with you in the next week or so. Just a few days ago we worked on hanging things on the walls, and even now while I write this I have the washer and dryer going with loads of her 6-9 month clothes. I'd already cut tags off of and laundered most of her 0-6 month things and they are nestled sweetly in drawers in her room. Doing all of this brings me so much joy as I think about how much closer we are to finally bringing a baby home. Sometimes I go in her room and look around just to take it all in and thank the Lord for answering this prayer.



• We have about 7 more weeks to go (just about 50 more days!) until Lily's arrival. We are still counting down to the goal of a scheduled C-section at 39 weeks. At my last OB appointment things were still going well. My blood pressure was nice and low and the baby seemed to be measuring on target. So far I've gained a little more than 30 pounds total with the pregnancy. I actually feel pretty good about that number and am not at all embarrassed to share it with you. Hopefully it will make some of you feel better if, like me, you grow tired of reading about people who gain all of 2 pounds in 40 weeks! :) I'm also covered in stretch marks and I don't mind one bit.
  



• Besides getting Lily's clothes washed and her room ready, the times I've been enjoying most this week especially are late at night when she gets very active. I've been having trouble sleeping lately (not necessarily because she's active but because it's getting hard to get comfortable in the bed) and I'm realizing how much I thoroughly enjoy those quiet moments with my sweet little girl. Feeling her kick and watching her roll around in my belly are things that I will greatly miss about this stage of pregnancy. Not to sound pessimistic at all, but I have no idea whether this will be my only opportunity to experience this. I don't want to take a single moment for granted.

As I'm sure you can imagine, spending two weeks with our nephews, checking up on my mom, working on the nursery, and other regular chores around the house have kept us very busy this month! It has gone by so quickly and now the calendar is mostly empty while we wait for September. I have so much reading to do to get caught up with you and your blogs! I have browsed through my feedreader and kept up with most things, but I'm looking forward to really getting back in touch in the next few days. Hoping you are all doing well. I haven't forgotten to keep you in my prayers!
Thanks for reading.

200 Days

I remember writing a post back in March when I reached 100 days of this pregnancy. Today is day 200! I can't believe that I've been pregnant for 200 days... in a row.

Maybe it seems like a weird thing to do, but that made me curious about how this number compares to my other pregnancies combined. I added up the weeks and they totaled 53. That's 371 days. Six pregnancies and more than a year of total time I'd spent pregnant without bringing a baby home. That seems like a huge chunk of time in my mind, even though I know it was spread out over about 6 years. And even though the number seems big, I know it doesn't compare to the number of days and weeks I've spent longing for a baby and hoping that one day my dream would be fulfilled.

Thank the Lord, these 200 days have been different. They've been fruitful days. Days that have brought us closer and closer to having a baby in our arms instead of only in our hearts and our memories.

Last weekend I reached 28 weeks -- the third trimester! It is still so hard for me to fathom. Me: seven months pregnant. I don't know how or why, but I know that my heart is overwhelmed and so full of thankfulness for this little life that God has granted and sustained. After so many years of problems (some identified and so many unidentified) resulting in miscarriage after miscarriage, I'm not sure I ever truly believed that I would have a healthy pregnancy. But the weeks keep passing and this baby keeps right on growing and living. And we are amazed and delighted. I just went back to the OB today for my regular visit and things are looking good. (I got the results for my glucose screening and was so happy to hear that they looked fine and I passed! Everything else is going along as scheduled.)

It seemed impossible to me. Totally impossible. But then I remember a verse in the Bible that I'd known for many years but really couldn't have told you the context until recently. It's in the first chapter of Luke, and it's the story of when the angel Gabriel visited Mary to tell her that she would give birth to Jesus. Gabriel explains to her that her relative Elizabeth is also having a child, and I love the way that he says this part: "...she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God." (verses 36-37)
Gabriel was trying to get a point across to Mary. She wondered how she could possibly become pregnant since she was a virgin. Gabriel wants her to know that God could do what seemed impossible to her. He could even make a barren woman pregnant!

She who was said to be barren. Can you relate? I can. But isn't it wonderful that God isn't afraid of that word? My physical problems and my fears and doubts and even my history with miscarriage weren't surprising and were not an impediment to Him. For nothing is impossible with God!

I hope this encourages you today if you feel like your situation is impossible. I know that it doesn't help at all sometimes to hear someone say, "Hey, it happened for me! It will happen for you!" Sure, you might just want to punch that person in the face, knowing that they don't have a guarantee of what will happen in your future. Sometimes I felt that way, too. But I also know that it did my heart tremendous good to hear about someone who made it through. Maybe it was someone whose story sounded a lot like mine or even much worse. I needed to know that God could still move even though I doubted.

Today I just want you to know that sometimes the impossible truly does happen. That's what I want this blog to testify to. We serve a God who can look at what seems like a big, jumbled, impossible mess to us and almost hear Him say, "No problem. I can fix that."


(This was the precious cake that was at our baby shower given by my husband's coworkers a few weeks ago. I was so touched by it!)

Big Ultrasound

Today brought plenty of worries and apprehensions as we prepared for our big ultrasound at the OB's office. Fortunately, the afternoon was one of celebration and thankfulness for the two of us. After all we've been through to finally reach this point, I think we're both still dealing with some level of disbelief that this is actually happening!

I'll give you a quick update on today's appointment. It wasn't long after the ultrasound began that the technician gave us the confirmation that our baby is definitely a girl! She wasn't modest today and we were able to see things pretty clearly. The technician was really nice and very talkative, but I really did wish she'd spent more time telling us what she was measuring and what we were seeing. At 21 weeks it was pretty obvious most of the time, but there were a few times when I felt a little lost. The visit went very well, though, and we were so relieved to get a good report today! We had a good look at baby's heart and brain as well as her arms and legs.

After the ultrasound we saw the doctor, who said that the baby looked "middle of the road" on everything, which was a good sign. At this point our baby is wonderfully average! Since I was seeing Dr R today, she went ahead and counted this as my OB visit even though it's a week early. We did all of the usual things: urine test, blood pressure, measuring the belly, listening to the heartbeat, etc. I was surprised and a bit relieved that I was actually weighing 2 pounds less than last month! Before you groan, let me tell you I've been a bit worried about weight gain. Last time I had gained 6 pounds instead of the recommended 4 for the month and I really was concerned that it would keep piling on too fast. After today's weigh-in I feel better about things evening out for this stage in the pregnancy. I actually don't know exactly how much I weighed before getting pregnant (I don't have a reliable scale at home and my specialist almost never weighed me), but I think as of now I've already gained about 18-20 pounds.

Today I also talked with Dr R again about the c-section discussion. We told her that we'd decided to go ahead and make the decision (with her approval, of course) to have a c-section delivery because of the concern of a rupture as a result of previous surgeries in my uterus. She was absolutely on board and very supportive of the decision. I think she was going to make the same call anyway, and it was clear that all three of us felt better about having it decided. Honestly, I don't feel at all disappointed or that I'm missing out on anything. Chuck and I are completely at peace with it and feel it is the right decision based on the information we had. As I told Dr R, we consider it a miracle that we're having this baby at all, and we just want her to get here as safely as possible for both her and myself. So, decision made! And now I only have to count down to 39 weeks instead of 40! :)

After our appointment Chuck and I spent the rest of the afternoon together running errands. James Avery (the jewelry store) had called earlier in the week to tell me that the charm I wanted engraved was ready for pick up. (You can click here to see the charm and read the original post.) We purchased it a few days before Mother's Day and they said it would be 2-3 weeks for the engraving, so we were happy that it was ready and that we could get it today as a celebration. I appreciated your suggestions so much about what the charm should say. We went in with several ideas written down (some of them yours) but ultimately decided on just two simple words: our babies. The size of the charm definitely influenced our decision (it's much smaller than it looks online), but we are so pleased with it. It seems like a good continuation of what the front says and it reads nicely together, "The heart remembers... our babies." This journey continues to be one of great joy mixed with years of grief and sorrow, and finally, remembrance. It seemed appropriate that on a day of so much happiness we would have a sweet reminder of where we've been and what we've lost. No matter what happens we won't ever forget that.

We finally returned home after a long afternoon of working on our baby registry and a celebratory dinner together. It was a great day, but definitely one we're happy to have behind us so we can continue to move ahead feeling more and more confident. Thanks so much for your prayers for us and for this baby!

*I have added more pics to the ultrasound link you can find in the sidebar. I added a few of the 3D images from last month and some of the best pics from today's visit. A few of you have asked to see pictures of me as well, so I'm working on getting a couple of those posted on the web album. Thanks for showing interest in how our baby girl is progressing!

**Next post: our baby's name! :)