True or False

When you are trying to have a baby, there is no shortage of advice that people want to give you. What many think are helpful and wise suggestions become pretty routine to you when you have been facing infertility for several years. When I finally became pregnant and it looked like this baby was going to be here to stay, I realized that the advice doesn't quit! Ah, and it continues on and on well after your baby is born. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of good advice. Admitting that I need help or that I'm wrong about something has never been a weakness of mine. But I think we can all agree that sometimes unsolicited advice can be pretty annoying.

I'm going to address some of the advice we've gotten and predictions that turned out to be true and some that didn't, but the key words here are "for me." I don't mean for this post to be negative, but simply to show that not everything works out exactly the same way for every person. Something that works for me may very well not work for you, and vice versa. And I had never really understood just how true that was until I went through recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility. It's amazing how hard it is to find someone whose experience is exactly like yours. Sure, a lot are similar, but it's rare to find one exactly the same because everyone is coming from an entirely different place. We have different bodies, different problems, different doctors, and different outcomes. Then I came to understand how truly different and unique babies are. They may grow and develop over a similar timeline, but their personalities are certainly unique.

At the same time, I recognize that we can only speak from our own experiences. A lot can be said and learned from a good suggestion or word of mouth. At any rate, I'll keep this post light and try to share some of the good, the bad, and the silly when it comes to some of the advice and predictions I've heard over the past year or so.

1. You'll never read a book/watch TV/see a movie again once the baby comes. False.
Okay, I'm going to pretty much call this one "true" for me in the first month or so after the baby. It's hard to get into a schedule and figure things out in those first weeks. All you can think about is eating and sleeping (for the baby and for yourself), but after a little while you can begin to enjoy some of those things again. I used to hear this statement all the time. As far as reading goes, in my opinion if you love reading, you will find time to do it. Nursing has provided a great opportunity for me to continue to read (or to watch some TV shows on the DVR). It's at a slower pace, though, and these days I rarely choose it over sleep once I get in bed at night, but I have finished a few books in the past 6 months.
We have been to only one movie since September. Around my birthday in January, my sister-in-law came over to watch Lily for a few hours while my husband and I went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. It was our first (and remains our only) outing without the baby, but we prefer to spend most of our time all together, the three of us. There are some sacrifices that I knew would come which I consider totally worth the trade-off.

2. Your breastfed baby will never sleep through the night. False.
I heard this more than once when I was expecting Lily. I was planning to nurse, and although I didn't really encounter any opposition, some people seemed convinced that my baby was going to be too hungry to sleep unless we gave her formula at night or started cereal at 4 weeks (yes, 4 weeks!). While I know it's true that breastfed babies need to eat a bit more often, I think Lily is doing a great job with sleep. She started giving us 6-7 hour stretches at night months ago and now sleeps for 9-10 hours before waking up to eat.

3. Time will pass by more quickly than ever. True.
I've said before than when you're in the middle of IF/RPL, the days seem to drag on but the years go pretty quickly -- meaning that before you know it, you feel like you've lost nearly a decade of your life. Well, ever since my daughter was born, I truly don't know where the days, weeks, and months have gone. All of the people who told me that the months after the baby came would feel much faster than the months I spent pregnant were totally right. I feel like Lily's first year will be over before we know it. She will be 6 months old in just a few short weeks and that seems impossible.

4. The assumption that our problems with fertility are over now that we've had a baby. False.
The truth is that we are enjoying life as a family of three right now and trying not to spend too much time thinking about what might come next. We aren't guaranteed another pregnancy, and we know that is our reality. Even if we should get that chance in the future, our concerns will be much the same as they were last year. Of course I hope that Lily might have a sibling someday. It does give me some reassurance that it could happen again now that a baby has survived in my body, but my record is still not impressive. Still, I hold on to the same promise that nothing is impossible with God.

5. Your life will be totally different. True.
I think that when people told us that our lives would change drastically, some meant it in a positive way and some in a negative way. And I won't lie to you and tell you that I think waking up every single day and taking care of a baby is easy, but I'm finally doing what I always wanted to do. My love for this baby makes even the hard days worth it. After wishing for her for so many years, I certainly don't take this privilege for granted! My life IS totally different now, and for that, I'm thankful.

A Lesson From Joseph

I have a lot of favorite stories and people from the Bible. It would be hard to pick my very favorite. Certainly living through infertility has made me grow very fond of people like Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth, Rachel, and Rebekah. But I also love to read about the life of Daniel, someone of great moral character whose life is a testament to faithfulness and obedience, and whom God used in such powerful ways. My husband's dear grandfather was named after him and he truly lived a life worthy of that name!

Another one of my favorite Biblical figures is Joseph (the one whose father was Jacob, not Mary's husband Joseph, although his is a remarkable story as well). Yesterday I read something really great over at the Desiring God blog about the life of Joseph. It is a fantastic post about how the circumstances we may be facing don't necessarily tell our whole story. I think it will speak to you as much as it did to me! I hope you'll take the time to click over and read the original post, called Staying Faithful When Things Get Worse.

Here is an excerpt from it. I hope it's just enough to draw you in so you'll click over for the rest of the story:

Darkness had swallowed the light again. Joseph dreaded the night in this foul Egyptian hellhole. It was hard to fight off the relentless hopelessness as he awaited the escape of sleep.

Day after monotonous day passed with no sign of change. The familiar desperation surged hot in his chest. His youth was seeping out the cracks of his cage. He was pacing in his soul. Joseph wanted to scream.

Fists to his forehead he pleaded again with God in the dark for deliverance.

And he remembered. It was the remembering that kept his hope alive and bitterness at bay...

Click HERE to read the rest.

Come back and leave me a comment about what you thought of the post after you read it. I'd love to know your thoughts!

Remember several years ago when Dream.Works released an animated film called Joseph: King of Dreams? I've always liked it, and I particularly love one of the songs featured in the movie during Joseph's time in prison. I was happy to find the clip to attach to this post and share with you. It's a great little song with a message that I always need to hear. Hope you enjoy it. I'll copy the lyrics for you below as well.



Better Than I

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told You how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through
I try to do what's best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my faith in You, for

You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

I saw one cloud and thought it was the sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me
Will you teach me?

For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers You supply
You know better than I

My New Love

This post will be a small break from my usual topic, especially since we are in the middle of what feels like a very long wait for our next ultrasound and there is no new information to report. So far, the first few days of the week have gone fairly quickly. My husband has been at home sick for the past 2 days, which makes me lose track of my weekdays. I keep thinking it's the weekend already, and then I remember it's only Wednesday! Next Thursday can't get here fast enough.

I wanted to write a quick recap of my birthday on Monday. After our doctor's appointment that morning, I came home and Chuck returned to work for the afternoon. I spent my time updating the blog and checking e-mail and stuff while I waited for him to come home. We had plans for dinner and a movie that evening.

It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to eat and what movie I wanted to see, but I finally decided I was in the mood for shrimp pasta and a romantic comedy (nice combination, right?). We had considered seeing Avatar, but decided instead on seeing It's Complicated, which we thought was really funny. I do love films from writer/director Nancy Meyers.


It was so nice to get out and enjoy some time together, rather than sitting around feeling nervous! There was an elderly couple sitting in the row in front of us at the movie, and we couldn't take our eyes off of them. I think older couples are so precious! Chuck and I were imagining ourselves going on a similar dinner-and-movie date in about 40 more years. :)

After the movie we went to Chili's and shared one of my favorite desserts, the molten chocolate cake. I don't let myself get it all that often, so it was a nice birthday treat!


MMMMMMM!

As soon as we got home I remembered that I still had a birthday present to open. My dear husband made me hide my eyes while he went out to the garage to get it. (The garage? I was going to be mad if he had gotten me a power tool!) When I opened my eyes, it was quite a shock! It wasn't a power tool. It was something I've wanted since we've been married. For almost 12 years I've had my eye on it and I couldn't believe it was sitting right in front of me! He had gotten me THIS:



I was (and still am) ecstatic! I cannot wait to break in this new mixer, and at the same time I'm afraid to use it because it's just so pretty! I have wanted a KitchenAid mixer for a very long time, but especially since this Anniversary Edition model was introduced. Also, I knew the color would look great in our kitchen! My sweet husband saved his Christmas bonus (which he kept entirely a secret from me) and some other cash here and there to buy this gift for my birthday. It was a wonderful surprise!

Just for fun, here is my look of genuine surprise:



And here is my look of genuine joy and complete adoration for the man that I married:



It was definitely a great day from start to finish, and certainly one of the most memorable birthdays I've ever had!

Now, what can I bake?

Happy Endings

I love a good story. For me, there's almost nothing better than getting lost for a few hours in a great book or a great movie.

I'm not sure how many people will agree with me here, but I don't even need a fairy-tale happy ending. My sister, for example, wants that happy ending every time! She wants to know before she commits to the story that all will be well in the end. As long as the story is engaging and is at least mostly resolved by the end, I'm good with that. Although I always root for the characters and hope that their story will end well, I would much prefer an ending that feels realistic. Now, if there were a happy ending that also felt real, what could be better?

Honestly, I can't remember if I've always felt this way or if I've arrived here as a result of circumstances in life. Oh, it's certainly true that I've always had very realistic expectations. One look at my senior memory book from my last year of high school will tell you that. While most of my peers were recording their hopes and dreams for rich spouses, tropical vacation homes, and fancy cars, I was hoping for a much simpler and far more attainable future. I wanted to go to college (which, in itself, was a pretty lofty goal coming from a poor family), fall in love, get married, have children, and live a happy and peaceful life with my family. I really never hoped for much beyond that, and certainly not for anything fancy.

Some may see this as the difference between an optimist and a pessimist, but I don't. I'm somewhere in the middle. I always hope for the best, but I never celebrate until I have actually reached it. And that way, if I don't get there, maybe I won't have to fall quite so hard.

My favorite kinds of stories are the ones where you get to take a peek into the characters' lives. You get to see how they live and what challenges they face on any given day. There will most likely be some big event or action scene that you definitely want to see resolved. Hopefully by the end of the tale, you've seen them overcome something and come out on the other side better than when you found them. Sometimes this may not mean that the sick person got better, or that the infertile person had babies. I guess what I look for in a good story is more of an internal change, rather than one where a person got everything they ever wanted and now they can live happily ever after.

A few weeks ago I finished a book in which one of the main characters was barren. I didn't know this when I started the book, but it was communicated several times throughout that she could not ever have children. Besides that, this character had a very hard life and many obstacles to overcome. Page after page and chapter after chapter, I pulled for her and hoped to see her find happiness! It was a great story, and by the time I got to the last chapter, I cried tears of joy that she was going to be okay.

Then came the epilogue.

In the three or four extra pages tacked onto the end of the story, the author gave the reader a glimpse into the future. The woman had children. We are never told how or when, or what in the world had transpired. Although I know that this is a work of fiction and I felt some happiness for the character, I couldn't help but think that I would have been just as satisfied with the book had it simply ended, leaving the future to my imagination.

More often than not, I watch movies and read books that have a very nice, fulfilling ending. Then, during the closing credits or the epilogue, we get that look into the future that usually feels too forced for me. It feels unreal, almost too good to be true. We don't know what the characters went through to get those twins that they're holding in their arms. We don't get to see how they got from point A to point B. We must just accept that they did, that all of their dreams were achieved, and that they will be happy forever. I always have a hard time accepting this ending (in a story, I mean). I think it takes away from my own ability to imagine them happy whether they got all they ever wanted or not. Maybe I should start skipping end credits and epilogues!

I'm not saying that "happily ever after" never happens. Deep down inside, I know I hope for that. I want my happy ending to include having children, and I want that particular happy ending for all of my friends who struggle with infertility. But I want to believe that there can be lots of really great stories without reaching the goal, stories of people who find happiness and fulfillment, who show amazing strength and grace in the face of hardship, even if they don't get exactly what they'd hoped for. Can I be happy with that kind of ending in real life, like I am in a story?

How do you feel about happy endings, whether realistic or not?

UPs and Downs

*Note: If you don't want details or spoilers about the movie UP, you might want to skip this post until after you've seen it!

My husband and I have a fun tradition. For the past 13 years, we have always made a date to go to the movies and see the latest Pix.ar film together. It all started with our first date in January of 1996, where the first movie we ever saw together was Pix.ar's very first film, Toy Story. (You can read more about our first date HERE.) Ten great films later, we still look forward to seeing their latest creation, and we get excited when we start seeing previews for what will become, for us at least, a new animated classic.

A couple of days ago, we set out to see the latest release, UP. It was a great evening for us to go to the movies. We had spent the whole weekend clearing everything out of our living room to have the floor replaced. We needed a break. We like to go to the theater on weeknights to try to avoid the crowds, and we know that soon summer will be in full swing with schools out and more people flocking to the theater. So, we got settled in with our tub o' popcorn, large soft drink to share, and napkins for our buttery fingers. Perfect.

After the previews, it was time for the always-anticipated short film that precedes the movie. I couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed that it featured, of all things, storks. Yes, the baby-delivering kind. That's okay. After all, it's not called a "short" film for nothing. It was over pretty quickly, and didn't focus much on the overjoyed faces of new parents with their swaddled surprises. Just a minor setback. Chuck and I exchanged glances and I mouthed the word "Seriously?" and the movie began.

Going into it, here's what I thought UP was about, based on previews I'd seen: A crotchety old man who used to live in a peaceful neighborhood is now not pleased about the urban development around his home. He doesn't want to sell the house and he doesn't want to be bothered, not even by the cute kid who knocks on his door seeking to earn a badge for assisting the elderly. The old man hatches a plan to get away from it all by tying thousands of balloons to his house and lifting himself and all of his beloved possessions up and away. He discovers that he is accompanied by the aforementioned kid, they have adventures, the kid softens the old man, end of story.

And that is pretty much what it is about. But, I was missing some details that, to some, may seem minor. You see, the old man is not just crotchety. He is grieving. In the early scenes of the film, we see him as a boy who dreams of adventure. Young Carl meets young Ellie, they grow up, fall in love, and get married. Soon they begin dreaming of bringing home a bundle of joy.



These scenes of the movie pass by quickly, like pieces of the old man's memory. Suddenly the scene shifts from the young couple on a sunny day, imagining images of babies in the clouds, to a heartbreaking scene of Carl and Ellie in a cold hospital, receiving devastating news. We don't hear the news, but we don't need to. They'll never have a child. Their baby dreams are over.

But Ellie has another dream. She dreams of exploring the wilds of South America and taking in the view of Paradise Falls with her own eyes, a goal made when she was a little girl. She wants to fill up their adventure book (a scrapbook whose pages will hold their most precious memories).

We can all relate to this, but life passes by so quickly and those dreams get pushed aside while we live (even happily) from day to day. Ellie and Carl are a happy couple, even though life hasn't always been easy. Carl finally realizes that it is time to make his wife's dream of adventure come true, and he buys the tickets even though they are much older now. It's not too late! Then, sadly, Ellie's health declines. The movie has just started, and just when I think I can't feel any more devastated, Carl is alone. It's my biggest fear. Not that I'll never get to see places I dream of seeing, of course, but that I'll end up all alone in the world someday without my dear husband, and with no children or grandchildren.

Sheesh. All this from a cartoon? I wasn't exactly expecting it either. I didn't hate the movie at all. I loved it. It was sad but it was also cute, sweet, and funny. But even after the story unfolded and Carl changed his life for the better, overcoming his grief and solitude, I still had to deal with my old familiar fear and hurt coming back to the surface. I watched the entire movie with a huge knot in my stomach and tears rolling down my cheeks. Afterward, my sister sent me a message to ask how the movie was and I could only respond, "SAD." She had been planning to take her boys to see it the next day. When I called her after they were done seeing it, I caught her still pulling herself together in her car.

I doubt that everyone will have this same reaction to this movie. I'm not telling you not to go see it! Heck, I'll even buy the DVD when it comes out, even though my husband joked that they should have named the movie "Down." Most people, I'm sure, will find it heartwarming and will also feel sad for Carl because he lost his wife, especially just short of making her big dream a reality.

But wait! I haven't gotten to the best part yet. The best part of the movie for me was when the old man picks up his wife's old adventure scrapbook and looks at it for what must have been the hundredth time. He never could bear to look at the empty pages and be reminded of the things they never did, the dreams never fulfilled. But this time he sees something new. Ellie had filled the pages. They weren't blank after all. He could see that their adventure was simply their life together, even the simple, everyday things.



I got a lot more than I bargained for by going to see this movie. In the end, though, I don't regret it. Turns out I needed a reminder that my life with Chuck is already my adventure. Even though I don't know the ending, I'm just glad we're both along for the ride.

In Other News

It's time for a little break from writing about infertility. I've been in a funk for the past couple of weeks. It is a combination of things, really, the main one being the return of my old friend Insomnia. The time change this weekend only made my problem worse. I was so exhausted on Sunday that I came home from church and slept on the couch for over 2 hours! (I know what you're thinking and no, definitely not pregnant.) Naps are not usually my thing. Don't get me wrong, I think naps are great. It's just that indulging in a nap usually means it will be that much more impossible for me to fall asleep at night.

The only good thing about being unable to sleep is that it gives me lots more time to read books. I'm making great progress on my reading list, recently finishing Life of Pi and The Little Prince. Right now I am more than halfway through The Secret Garden and I'm enjoying that little escape.

Chuck spent the weekend trying to identify a problem with our washing machine. We have had the worst luck with appliances lately! I'd been noticing a musty smell in the laundry room (I've learned to trust my nose!), and then a little puddle appeared one day after I washed some clothes. Fortunately, my husband is very handy around the house and he thinks he has it figured out, but of course we have to wait on a part to be delivered hopefully this week. I'm still using the washer (after he put it back together) and we'll tackle it again next weekend. Isn't it true that when it rains, it pours? We've been on quite an adventure as homeowners lately.

We spent the rest of the weekend with some great entertainment at home. We finished watching the John Adams miniseries on DVD, which was very good. If you haven't seen it yet, I hope you'll check it out. Ever since our trip to Washington, D.C. the summer before last, we've been very interested in learning more about American history. In 2007 Chuck and I went to D.C. because he had a work conference to attend. The trip was extra special because we were able to invite my mom and my brother to go along with us. It was the very first visit there for the three of us (Chuck had been in junior high on a school trip) and we had an amazing time visiting our nation's capital. My mom has always been incredibly patriotic, so experiencing D.C. with her was unique and special. Also, she and my brother have done very little traveling over the years. Some months after we returned home she caught the John Adams series on TV, and later I bought her the book and my sis bought her the DVDs, which Chuck and I just finished watching this weekend. (And now we've come full-circle!) It's exciting to see my mom's continued passion for learning about history after that trip we took. She just soaks it up like a sponge!


One of our Net.flix movies from the weekend was The Kite Runner. I have to tell you that we both absolutely loved this movie. I'm a little mad at myself for not reading the book first, but the movie did not disappoint. Chuck and I watched it last night and by the end we were both in tears. (Sorry honey, but you know I'd rather be married to someone who would be moved by this film than someone who wouldn't!) If you haven't seen the movie, I'd recommend it. Like I said, I haven't read the book but now I want to! I have no doubt that it would be a great read.


I am more than ready for Spring to arrive. Here in Texas we've had some summery days already, with a little taste of Spring here and there. We're getting a "cold front" (I'm sure that's a relative term) later this week, which I'm guessing might be the last one of the season for us. I'm ready to get the yard and flower beds looking pretty again!


That's life for us here in our corner of the world. How did you spend your weekend?

Birthday Recap

Here's a quick birthday update for those of you who wanted to know how the day went. First I should tell you that my original plan was to spend all day Saturday at the movie theater. Yes, that's my idea of fun! It's been a crazy few weeks (months, really) and I wanted to get lost for a few hours. Well, Saturday wound up being a day that we were stuck at home with work being done on the kitchen. I am grateful for progress, and the good news is that I think this is finally the week! Thursday is hopefully the final scheduled day of construction and we hope to spend the weekend getting settled into the new kitchen. I can't wait to show it to you when it's done. I bet you're sick of hearing me talk about it!

Saturday was a bust, but Sunday turned out to be a very good day. The weather was cloudy and cold but we made the best of it. We went to church that morning and then Chuck and I had lunch at a deli before catching a movie. We saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which we both enjoyed. I love going to the movies and I love movie snacks! I was all set with my popcorn, Junior Mints, and Pibb (Dr Pepper's first cousin). We also did a little bit of shopping at an electronics store (I bought a cd) and Barnes and Noble (of course I bought a couple of books). Before going home we stopped at Chili's for my favorite restaurant dessert - the Molten Chocolate Cake. Yum! Not a nutritious day by any means, but boy was it good!

Last weekend we celebrated with my family while we were home in Louisiana, so that softened the blow of not seeing them yesterday. Chuck and I had a great day together. Oh, and he bought me a lovely bottle of perfume as a gift. I'm not big on perfume in general but this one smells great!

I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that birthdays are hard for me. The last two before this one were extremely difficult, one immediately following a miscarriage and one just after a surgery. Yesterday it was sobering when I changed the info here on my blogger profile. Now I'm 32 and this is year 8 of trying to have a baby. It's hard watching that number creep up while your circumstances aren't changing any. It's like a knife in my heart when I hear people say they want to have their children before they turn 30. I understand, because I thought I wanted that too. It didn't happen that way, and you know what? I'll be grateful to have children whenever it happens. Beggars can't be choosers! I don't want to obsess about how old I am. This is the life I've been given and I'm going to live it.

Thanks everybody for the birthday wishes! I say it all the time, but I mean it - you guys are awesome. If I'd had my children before I was 30, I wouldn't have this incredible group of friends and team of supporters in my life right now. To my real-life friends, thanks for the calls, messages, and cards! It truly was a great day.

A Dating Story

Earlier this week Chuck and I celebrated the anniversary of our first date. We always recognize the day but we don't make a huge deal out of it since we have a wedding anniversary to celebrate as well. Usually we go out or cook dinner together, and sometimes we catch a movie. This week we have been very short on free time so we stopped in at our favorite Mexican restaurant and shared some fajitas (the best we've ever tasted) in between errands. We've been pretty stressed lately and a break was really nice.

Our first date was January 6, 1996. It was my freshman year of college and his junior year. We met at a weekly meeting of the Christian organization Campus Crusade for Christ. I don't really remember the very first time we met. I was new there, so everyone was new to me! Chuck says he remembers seeing me for the first time and knowing right away that I was Connie's sister. This has always been funny to me because most people don't think we look alike at all.

That Fall we gradually got to know one another better by being involved in the same campus organization and going on a few retreats as a group. Getting to know Chuck was not very easy because he was very shy back then. What helped tremendously was getting to know him a little more personally by e-mail and online chatting. I was very new to computers back in the mid-90s. A college buddy taught me how to use the "prehistoric" machines in the computer lab and I was so happy because I could keep up with my BFF who'd gone to a different college back home. Downstairs in my dorm there was a tiny common room that had two computers in it. I would often pop in there at night to check my mail and before long I started chatting with Chuck, who was often online from home (we attended college in his hometown, so he didn't live on campus). I began to realize that the shy guitar player I thought I knew was actually quite witty, not to mention smart and kind.

Still I was pretty surprised when he asked me out on a date. True to form, he asked me over the computer instead of in person. He said he'd really been wanting to go see the new movie Toy Story, and did I want to go with him?




Well, I wasn't sure. I was still afraid the date would be awkward and that his shyness would prevent him from talking to me (keep in mind that I didn't have much dating experience). I went ahead and said yes, then went upstairs to quiz my sister (who was my roomie, too) about this guy. She couldn't offer much. She said all she knew was that he was very quiet, he played guitar, and he used to have long hair! I told her I'd just agreed to go on a date with him. We were both pretty clueless about what to expect but relatively confident that he wasn't an axe murderer, so I kept the plans.

It was very cold and icy on the night of our date (ice storms aren't terribly unusual in Northern Louisiana). The roads were somewhat treacherous and in fact he'd been in a minor fender bender just a few nights before because of the ice. This was before the days of personal cell phones, so I remember his parents had let him borrow their bag phone for the 30-minute drive to the neighboring town. I always think about how one day I'll have to describe to our kids what a bag phone was! We had dinner at a Mexican restaurant and then we went to see Toy Story - the original one. He was interested in seeing a movie that was entirely computer animated. I'm sure I didn't even know that at the time but I was ok with seeing a cartoon. The most important thing, though, was that in the hour that we were in the car round-trip, the conversation was great! We both talked the entire time and it was never, ever awkward. I couldn't believe that the guy I'd barely heard speak an entire paragraph was suddenly so comfortable. (After living with him for 10 years now I can tell you that this is still true. Chuck is shy in a group setting but much more comfortable one-on-one.)

The best part is that on the drive over he was very straightforward about his intentions about the date. There was no pressure - he thought I was nice and he wanted to get to know me better. There was something about him spelling it out that way that really spoke my language. I'd been strung along for several weeks by a guy whose intentions were very vague. I wasn't sure whether that guy was interested or not interested; we'd have a "date" here and there and then he wouldn't call for days. It was so refreshing to not have to guess at this one. After he dropped me off that night I went upstairs in the dorm to chat with some girlfriends. They were floored that a guy would be so forthcoming, and insisted that Chuck needed to teach a class on dating etiquette! All of this reassured me that I'd done the right thing saying yes to him. I certainly did the right thing when I said yes to his marriage proposal in August of the next year.

Maybe it seems silly to celebrate a first date anniversary, but we still do it. It was a great date and we love reminiscing about it. I almost forgot, a couple of days after the date I got a Toy Story postcard in my mailbox on campus. I pretty much knew then that there was something special about this guy. He still does charming things like that today, and it's one of the many reasons that I enjoy looking back on that date 13 years later.

Misfit

Do you have moments when you feel like you just don't fit in anywhere? I certainly do, and it seems to get worse the longer I live with infertility. I used to really enjoy social functions of all kinds. Of course I still do enjoy them occasionally, but most times the anticipation is almost more than I can handle. I'm afraid to put myself out there for fear that it will end up being awkward. I feel so much safer at home and usually I'd rather just stay in. It's true that a lot of times I talk myself into going and when it's all over I'm truly glad I went. But the fact is that those times have become few and far between.

The problem is that there is no real place where I feel I belong, socially I mean. I'm too old to be with the college kids - next year will be 10 years since I graduated from college. Although I identify with singles in many ways and value my single friends, I'm sure they don't always want to hang out with this old married couple. The young marrieds with small children have quite a bit on their plates, not to mention those closer to my age who have school-age kids! It seems like I have less and less in common with my peers with each passing year. Of course I have dear friends from all of these walks of life and of all different ages. Some of my dearest friends are closer to my parents' age and have kids who are grown. I think that having many different kinds of friends is great, but still I feel more and more isolated lately - like I'm stuck in a place where I don't belong and can't move forward.

The other day in a moment of frustration I told my husband that I felt like I should be shipped off someplace where broken things go. Immediately I thought of the Island of Misfit Toys from the classic Rudolph cartoon. The funny thing is that I can't tell you the last time I watched that movie. It's been at least a decade but I remembered it pretty clearly: the jack-in-the-box named Charlie, the spotted elephant, and the little doll. Remember all those toys that were rejects? I watched a video clip from the movie on youtube to remind myself of some of the others who lived on the island. I'd forgotten about the train who had square wheels. I hadn't remembered the bird who could swim but couldn't fly or the boat who couldn't stay afloat.

Maybe it sounds silly but I can relate to those misfit toys. I desperately want to be something I am not. I want my body to work the way it should. I am a mother who has no children. I feel like I don't quite fit.

This isn't a pity party. You have to understand something about me. One of my biggest pet peeves in life is when something doesn't work right. I get so frustrated when I can't get something to serve its intended purpose. You can imagine how difficult it is for me to live with a body that doesn't work the way I think it should! It is incredibly annoying to me (not to mention heartbreaking) that I have such a hard time with pregnancy and there is nothing easy I can do to fix that. No, nobody ever promised me that things would be easy to fix or that problems would be easy to solve. I haven't had a life like that anyway, so I would've quickly learned that I'd been misled. Still it feels like it just shouldn't be this hard.

I never want anything I write here to be interpreted as hopeless. Believe it or not, I can see a few positive things about those misfit toys! They were certainly unique, and although they didn't feel like they fit in, they fit in perfectly with each other. There's something to be said for standing apart from the crowd, and it most definitely helps knowing you're not alone. It doesn't always feel good being different, but there may just be someone out there who needs just what you have to offer.

Surprisingly, I found someone who happens to like spotted elephants and doesn't mind birds that swim instead of fly. You know, maybe there are no "misfits" after all.

Lagniappe

If you're from Louisiana or other parts of the southern United States, you most likely know what the word lagniappe (pronounced lan-yap) means. Essentially, we use it to mean a little something extra, or an unexpected gift. It's the best way to describe my time at home last week. After Thanksgiving I spent the whole week in SW Louisiana at my mom's house. The week was full of "little extras."

The first order of business was to get Mom's Christmas tree up. My sister and I bought a little tree on sale last year, knowing that Mom would want something that wouldn't take up much space. Sis and I got the tree up and decorated in no time. It was so much fun looking through all of the homemade ornaments she has kept from when we were little. Mom was feeling uncharacteristically festive after that, so she had Chuck decorate the front porch with lights! We're pretty sure it's the first time she's ever had outside lights. It looked so cute.


I spent a couple of days helping Mom get some things organized. She won't be happy that I'm telling you this, but she has a "junk room." We got it all nice and organized for her a few years ago but there's a part of the room where things tend to pile up. Let's face it, who doesn't have a place (or two) in their house like that? Anyway, I helped her straighten it up and then I worked on some other projects she had, like putting loose photos in albums and getting her Christmas cards addressed. We were feeling so productive!


You may remember that I had planned to go to the movies and get some reading done while I was away. I started reading The Host by Stephenie Meyer, but I limited my reading so it wouldn't interfere with family time. I'm only about 150 pages into the book.

We actually took in two movies last week. I finally saw Twilight! My family was so excited to see it, but we felt like it didn't live up to the books. I didn't feel like it was a total flop but I found some of the dialogue to be cheesy. I've heard that watching it a second time (after the hype has worn off) is much better. Later in the week I went with my mom, sister, and brother to see Australia, which I thought was great. It's a long movie but you really don't notice so much. The plot, history, scenery, and acting were all good. (Hugh Jackman=great!)


If I had to sum up the whole week in a word besides family I'd have to pick food! Oh boy, you just can't beat good ol' Louisiana food. I love Cajun cooking and I love rice and gravy! I think I had rice at least 5 days while I was there. We ate a lot of rice when I was growing up and it's still a favorite of mine. Mom cooked chicken and okra gumbo, which is one of my most favorite things to eat in the world!


Now, usually when I go home for a visit it's on the weekend. I've been hearing my mom and sister talk about the plate lunches at a little diner in Mom's neighboring town for months and months and I couldn't wait to try it for myself. I took advantage of being there during the week and Mom and I picked up lunch from there 3 days in a row! It was unbelievable. My favorite was the round steak, rice and gravy, mashed potatoes, and green beans.

Ok, one more thing about food. (Is anybody else hungry?) Please promise me that if you ever find yourself passing through Louisiana along Interstate 10, that you'll stop and eat at Steamboat Bill's in Lake Charles. I absolutely love to eat there. The best thing on the menu in my opinion is the crawfish etouffee. I rarely order that in any restaurant because it's just never as good as my dad's, but Steamboat Bill's has the right stuff. I love to get a crawfish pistolette as an appetizer (a pistolette is a fried roll - they stuff it with etouffee and it is divine). During this trip I was in the mood for fried shrimp, but I had no regrets because I ordered a cup of crawfish etouffee on the side! My mom and sis seem to think that the shrimp etouffee is even better. I snapped a pic of sis's bowl to show you how scrumptious it looks. Man, is my stomach growling now.


At the end of the week we made a trip over to Mom's hometown to visit my grandmother. My grandma is a pretty unpleasant lady, but her sister is one of the sweetest people on the planet (you can see a pic of her on an older post here). We had a good visit with them, and I kept them talking about what it was like when they were little. I absolutely love hearing old family stories.

Another special thing about the week was celebrating my nephew's 6th birthday. He wanted a Scooby Doo party this year. Isn't it funny that kids still like Scooby Doo? We always have a party for him at Thanksgiving (and this year was no different) but I never get to see him for his actual birthday of December 3rd. We met up with them for dinner at a restaurant after school and it was great to be able to share his big day with him. It's hard to believe that it's been six years ago that I watched him come into the world.

It was great to be away but it's great to come back to my husband and my home (AND my computer! I missed all of you!). I'm sure my brother is glad to have his bed back too, after bunking on the sofa bed all week.

This has been long and rambling, but I just love Louisiana and I love all the lagniappe that goes along with going "home."

In Other News

Tomorrow we are leaving to spend time with our families for Thanksgiving. We will go see my in-laws first and then head to my sister's house. We love that we get to see both sides of the family for the holidays! Yes, it will be a good chunk of time in the car but we've got our favorite Christmas music ready to go. I have decided to stay all next week at my mom's house to spend time with her. It has been a long time since I've been able to do that and I'm looking forward to it. I joked with her that it will be like returning to the Stone Age - she doesn't own a computer, and I can't get a cell phone signal at her house!

As much as I will miss reading all of your blogs for the next week and a half, it will be kind of nice to spend some quiet time in the country. I have packed several books that have been on the nightstand waiting to be read. I plan on at least starting Brisingr by Christopher Paolini (book 3 in the Eragon or Inheritance series) and/or The Host by Twilight author Stephenie Meyer. Speaking of Twilight, I'm finally going to see the movie this weekend! I haven't gone yet because my mom, sister, brother and I had agreed to wait and see it together. After hearing a few mixed reviews from friends, I can't wait to go check it out for myself.

I will be eager to catch up with all of you when I get home. Please know you will all be in my prayers next week. I plan on keeping a prayer journal just for you while I'm away. I'm thankful for you guys!

One final note: please pray for my husband's grandmother and the whole family. She is not doing well at all and we fear it may be a very hard time this weekend. Your prayers would mean so much to us!

Christmas Joy

I tried to put this post off another couple of weeks but, in the tradition of my family at Christmas, I just couldn't wait (am I right, Connie?). Yesterday I officially started my Christmas decorating! I've talked before about how sometimes the holidays are hard, and I know many of you can relate to that. Today I'd like to take a step back from infertility for a while and focus on the things I love about the holidays. I haven't forgotten about Thanksgiving - I love it too and can't wait for the celebrations next week. But today I'm in a Christmas mood, so here we go!

My Top Five favorite things about Christmas:


1. The music and movies.
Every year I can't wait to get out my Christmas CDs. A few of my can't-live-without favorites are Elvis Presley (of course), Harry Connick, Jr., and Aaron Neville. Some new favorites include Bebo Norman, Third Day, and Josh Groban. I love Christmas carols, and hearing my old favorites gets me so excited for the season.
You might think my favorite Christmas movies are It's a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street. Nah. My pick, hands down, is The Muppet Christmas Carol. I love that movie! It's funny, sweet, and sentimental, and it stars such great actors as Michael Caine and Kermit the Frog. How can you go wrong? I also enjoy watching Little Women (the one from 1994) and Home Alone 1 & 2 this time of year.

2. The decorations.
Is there anyone who doesn't love Christmas decorations? I love the lights, the ornaments, the nativity scenes, the garland, the candles, all of it! Yesterday I attempted to make a garland for the fireplace mantle for the first time. Normally I just throw some plain green garland up there and go with it. I like to decorate but I get intimidated by plain, prominent, flat surfaces. I never know what to put up on the mantle. I have mantle issues. This post at Nesting Place motivated me to try something new. A trip to Michaels and about 3 hours later my husband and I came up with this:

I'm really happy with it but it did not exactly come naturally to me! Tonight we are putting up our tree and hopefully we will decorate the outside of the house this weekend. When do you decorate for Christmas? This is a bit early for us, but since we will be gone a lot we wanted to have time to enjoy it.

3. The mail.

I have always loved getting mail. I e-mail a lot but I still love sending and receiving snail mail. My Christmas cards are all in a stack, waiting to be addressed and stamped. I try to get them out every year by the first week of December. I absolutely love getting everybody's family photos and updates each year.

4. The time with family and friends.

Of course you guessed I'd say that. For 12 years now Chuck and I have been spending Christmases driving all over Louisiana to see our family and friends. We load up our car with gifts and luggage, leaving just enough room for our two bodies to fit, and away we go! We love our family Christmas celebrations. We have our own traditions on each side of the family: Christmas Eve candlelight service at our old church and Christmas Day at my in-laws', breakfast casserole, homemade Chex mix and lots of other goodies; My family piled up in Mom's living room, the joy on my nephews' faces when we arrive, and tearing into presents!

5. The best gift of all.

I've saved the best for last. The best thing about Christmas is that beautiful and perfect gift from God to all of us, Jesus Christ. Emmanuel, God with us! I hope you're celebrating Him at Christmas and all year long!

Happy Holidays!

Me: The Scaredy-Cat (Six Things)

I was tagged by Andrea for the six things meme. Thanks! This is my first time to be tagged. Btw, if you want to be entertained by Andrea’s Last-Bite Rules click here.

Here are the rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

Now the task of coming up with six things you don’t know about me that are random and yet remotely entertaining. This may be harder than I thought.

1. I hate to drive. I know some people who get in the car and just drive to relieve stress. Driving is the last thing in the world I’d do to relieve stress (besides maybe a root canal). I don’t mind driving around town to run errands and things like that. But really if I had a choice I would be chauffeured around everywhere. I’m not a bad driver but I just don’t enjoy it. I think it’s mainly because I grew up in the country and didn’t even get my license until I was 18. I’ve lived near the 4th largest city in the U.S. for 7 years now and have managed to only drive there once. To tell you the truth, once was more than enough!

2. The only real recurring dream I ever have is the one where I’m enrolled in a college class and it’s time for finals and I’m completely unprepared. Either I haven’t been to any of the classes or I haven’t studied for the test. I realize this isn’t the scariest thing in the whole world but to me it’s a nightmare. I wake up in a panic until I realize it’s not real then I am so happy I’m not a student anymore!

3. Speaking of scary things, the most terrifying movie I have ever seen is The Shining. It probably has something to do with the fact that I was way too young to have been watching it but thinking about that movie still gives me the heebie jeebies. It might be the kind of thing where if I watched it again as a grown-up it would seem ridiculous, but I'm just not willing to risk it. Every time I walk down a long hallway in a hotel I picture those creepy little girls or that huge wave of blood coming around the corner. Now I must change the subject or I absolutely will not sleep tonight…

4. I like to have my ears covered when I sleep. I have this phobia about something crawling in there at night, so I sleep on one side and cover the other side with the blanket. I can’t sleep with my whole head covered, so I make a little cocoon for myself that allows my face to stick out. It’s weird, I know. I’ve been doing this ever since I went on this horrible camping trip with my Dad’s family one summer when I was about 12. The mosquitoes were so bad and they buzzed in our ears all night long. We had to sleep completely covered even though it was stifling. Pair that with my bugs-in-ears phobia and it’s the perfect recipe for me being traumatized forever.

5. I’m totally obsessed with dental hygiene. I am very serious about brushing twice a day and flossing once a day. There is no way I’d be able to sleep without having done my nightly routine (wash face, floss teeth, brush teeth). I have spent years trying to convince my family and friends to floss regularly. In fact, I even did a speech about it in college! No joke. Think about it tonight before you hit the sack. As my mom would say, you don’t want to go to bed with a “yuck-mouth.”

6. I love to collect postcards. I have postcards from almost every U.S. state and from about 35 different countries. Sometimes people pick them up on a trip and hand them to me, which is also nice, but I personally prefer that they be written on and mailed with the postmark of the destination. I keep them filed away (alphabetically, of course) in three albums and I love to flip through them. It’s fun to see all the different places and even more fun to read what my friends and family have written on their trips over the years. A few years ago I started mailing them to myself when we travel. I write what we did that day and send it home so I can get the postmark.

Ok, I tried to end on a high note since nearly everything else was about me being afraid. I don’t want you to think I’m only a big scaredy-cat (although it's mostly true).

I’m tagging Beth, Sharon, and Sunny. I also tag Nity and Andrea (not the same Andrea as before) if you gals haven’t done one of these before. If you have I hope you’ll do it again or send me a link to your old one.

Happy weekend everybody!

Something Fun for Friday

This weekend we will be in Louisiana visiting my family. As you can imagine, we are thrilled to have a break from all the stuff going on at our house! Every October for the past 11 years we have had a collective birthday party for our guys. My brother, husband, brother-in-law, and a family friend will all be serenaded with the Happy Birthday song. The party is nothing spectacular considering they’re all adults now. The youngest, my brother, turned 22 this week. We usually get together and eat good food, enjoy a cookie cake (my sister tries to mix up the design each year), and play some games. Occasionally if the weather’s nice we spend some time outdoors. This weekend is looking great, so we’re having some of my mom’s wonderful hamburgers on the grill.

So, after a stressful week and with my brother on my mind, I decided that today I’d leave you with a list of my top five funny movies. Now before you get excited let me explain that you might not necessarily love these movies. You may watch them and think I’m nuts. Most of these are movies that my brother loved when he was a kid. We must have watched them hundreds of times. We’ve quoted them for years and they still make us laugh. These are the movies I can pop in when I need a guaranteed belly laugh!

Without further ado, I present my list of movies that have kept us entertained for years:

1. Three Amigos
This movie was born in 1986, the same year as my little brother. I was 9 years old. I don’t remember the first time we saw it but it became a classic at our house. Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Martin Short; the Singing Bush, My Little Buttercup, and El Guapo. Somehow it never gets old!



2. Home Alone/Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
I remember when the first Home Alone movie came out. I was invited to go to the movies for a friend’s birthday party and when I found out what we were seeing I was so disappointed. I couldn’t see myself enjoying a movie about a kid keeping burglars away from the family home using all kinds of cute tricks. And I was right, I didn’t love it. A couple of years later the second movie, Lost in New York came out and it became one of my brother’s favorites. I ended up giving them a second chance and now I love them! The second one is our favorite. Tim Curry's character leaves us in stitches.

3. Tommy Boy
When I first saw Tommy Boy, I was in high school and my sister and I went to see it at the theater with a friend. What I remember most is that she and I laughed so hard that we were practically rolling in the aisle! Our friend… not so much. Eventually our brother saw it and appreciated it as much as we did. The David Spade/Chris Farley combination was pretty fantastic.


4. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
This was the second Ace Ventura movie but definitely the funnier. Jim Carrey was my brother’s absolute favorite for a long time and the rest of us became fans too. When Nature Calls has no shortage of fun one-liners. “Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky and loaded with danger.” We still often break out in the Slinky song or Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – Jim Carrey style.

5. Dumb and Dumber
I know I’ve already listed a Jim Carrey movie but like I said, he was my brother’s favorite. Dumb and Dumber is one of those movies that I occasionally catch on TV and end up sitting and watching even though I own it on DVD. In my family, any time there is a list of things going wrong for any one of us, we always add "our pets' heads are falling off," to the end of it. It usually lightens the mood.


I hope you all have movies like these – that may not seem hilarious to everyone but they are to you because of the memories they evoke of fun times spent with loved ones. My brother is all grown up now and his comedy tastes are a bit more “refined.” He’s into the Stooges, Abbot and Costello, Laurel and Hardy, Peter Sellers, and the Marx Brothers. He has graduated to the classics in his “old” age. He’s no longer interested in the ultra-silly, ridiculously goofy kinds of comedies we grew up watching and I must admit that makes me a little sad. It’s a little strange that such silly movies can also be sentimental to me. When I left home for college in 1995 my brother was 8 years old. Sometimes I like to pretend he’s still that little and waiting for me to come home on break so we can giggle at a crazy movie.