Bullet Points

It's the kind of night when this type of post is just necessary. So here it is -- my life in bullet points:

The Bad:

• I've been a terrible, terrible blogger.
  
• We've had a very yucky week at our house that all started with a virus my dear husband brought home. He was sick for several days (sore throat, stuffy nose kind of stuff) and then my sweet Lily got sick. We took her to the doctor on Wednesday after she ran fever the night before and it became obvious that she was really not feeling well. Her fever is gone and now we are dealing with some tummy issues, but she's on the mend.
  
• Unfortunately, the evil virus has now landed on me. I feel awful!

The Good:

• Earlier this month we went home to Louisiana to celebrate my wonderful mom's 60th birthday. It was such a great weekend with family but, as weekends go, it was over much too soon.
  
• Despite the excessive heat and drought conditions, this week we noticed that Lily's tree has finally bloomed! How happy we were to see those sweet pink blossoms on her crape myrtle.
• There is a box of birthday decorations in my closet in the theme of The Very Hungry Caterpillar, waiting to be used next month for Lily's big First Birthday. Unbelievable!
• Last Sunday we visited the big church down the road from our house. We haven't really been visiting places regularly in our search for a new church home, so we decided to just go someplace close and try it out. We aren't really accustomed to large churches, but the advantage was that they have a pretty awesome program in place for children. We had called ahead and were given a tour of the preschool area before the service started. After the tour I felt comfortable (security-wise, etc.) about leaving Lily in the church nursery for the very first time, but I took it much harder than I ever expected. Fortunately she was PERFECT and never cried a single tear, which is more than I can say for her mommy! The nursery workers were so kind: two of them had gone to check on Lily for us during the service -- one came to find us before we picked her up, and the other had left a note in her diaper bag -- both gushing about how wonderful she had been. I was so proud of my big girl! It felt good to go to church again, and although I don't know if this is "the one" for us, we like knowing that we can visit there again as we continue our search.

What's really on my heart:

• Please pray with me for a sweet little four-month-old who is fighting for his life. I don't personally know this baby, but he is the nephew of some friends of mine back home. I am completely heartbroken over his situation and ask you to lift up little Declan and his family to the Lord. You can follow this facebook link for more info: Friends and Family of baby Declan Jace and this link if you wish to help with a donation.
  

I hope all of my bloggy buddies are doing well. I've been trying to stay in touch with you guys, little by little. I'm still here, still reading, and still praying for you, friends.

My First Mother's Day

Sunday was my first Mother's Day to celebrate.

I feel like I've been a mother before this year, of course, but this was my first one with a baby in my arms. In previous years I had the heart of a mother, but I'd never been able to hold my babies, see their faces, or even know their names. Unfortunately, no one really recognizes you as a mother in that case, besides maybe a few caring family members and special, sensitive friends.

I think it will always be a day of mixed feelings. I can't erase all the years of hurt that I used to feel on that day, but I will rejoice for the child that I've been given. I'll always miss the six little ones who aren't here, and I'll always feel a heaviness in my heart for all of my precious friends who will be hurting and grieving and dreading the day.

For a long time I didn't know whether I'd ever be on the other side of recurrent miscarriage, but I did know that if it ever did happen to me, I wouldn't care about feeling honored or celebrated on Mother's Day. For me, the gift was my daughter, my miracle, my answered prayer, and my healing heart. It wasn't a day about me; it was a day about the power of my God. Although it was a long and rocky road to get there, He finally brought the two of us together in His own time and His own way. Sometimes I didn't wait patiently. Sometimes I felt angry, confused, bitter, and hopeless. But God mercifully made a way for a baby to grow in my womb, and that's what I celebrated on Mother's Day.

I wanted to have a simple, sweet day with my husband and daughter, and that's exactly what it was. It was a beautiful day here in Texas, and although I specifically told my husband that I didn't expect gifts, flowers, etc., he did all of that anyway (which is true to form). It was really, really special. After a sweet morning at home just the three of us, we went to church in a nearby town where we'd been invited to watch my dear friend's daughter perform in a play. It wasn't a Mother's Day service at all, but the pastor did recognize the occasion briefly during the welcome. I was touched that, on my first time in church on Mother's Day in probably 5 or 6 years, this particular pastor made a point to pay tribute to all women present. He had the men and children come forward to take a flower and hand it out to mothers, grandmothers, aunts, teachers, or any other women who had impacted their lives, and I thought that it was done just right. It was a far cry from some of the really isolating, lonely Mother's Day church services that I'd experienced in the past. I'm sure it may be true that my heart is different now, but I genuinely felt that it was the kind of moment that would have left most women in just about any circumstance or stage of life feeling pretty appreciated and special. It was great.

We had lunch with our friends afterward (I was so proud that Lily again sat so well through the entire service!) and returned home to a fun afternoon of ice cream and a walk in the park. It was a perfect and lovely day.

Of course I did miss not being with my own mom on that day. We knew after being there for the past two weekends that we wouldn't be together for Mother's Day, but my mom was able to spend the day with her mother, who hasn't been doing well lately. And my sweet mom sent me a precious card that touched my heart so much. I wanted to share with you what she wrote that brought tears to my eyes when I read it.

Stace,

It is with great awe of our heavenly Father that I am able to send you this card. Years ago I found this card... I kept this waiting and praying for God to give you a miracle and the desire of your broken heart. Oh, what a beautiful blessing He gave to all of us... our sweet, precious, and beautiful Lily Rae!
You are the wonderful mother I always knew that you'd be. Cherish each minute, because they grow so fast. My heart just overflows with love every time I see her. Enjoy your first Mother's Day, and to God be all the glory!

I love you,
Mom

To God be the glory!
Amen, Mom. Amen.

Mother's Day 2011, My Longing Fulfilled

First Easter

Mommy and Lily - Easter 2011

We had a wonderful first Easter with Lily this year!

The three of us went to Louisiana to stay with my mom for the weekend (and Lily and I stayed all week). We all attended Easter services at my sister's church, where her father-in-law is the pastor. It felt really good to be back in church again. You may recall that the small mission church where we had been serving for the past 8 years closed just about a month before Lily was born, and we have not yet looked for a new church home. We were happy to be able to take Lily to church for the first time on Resurrection Sunday! My family occupied an entire pew that morning, and it was so good to be there and worship together.

Showing off her Easter outfit :)

I truly had no idea how Lily would do during the service. I was fully prepared to spend at least part (if not all) of it out in the foyer with her, but she surprised me by sitting quietly in my sister's lap the entire time! She enjoyed the music and played with a toy during the message and we never heard a peep out of her. She hammed it up a bit toward the end for the folks sitting behind us, too, making sweet eyes and cute faces at them. I was so proud of my little Easter Lily! We were just delighted that she did so well, and while I'm sure it probably won't go that perfectly every time, it encouraged me about starting our quest soon to find a new church where we live.

Of course, Lily got some Easter baskets filled with goodies: board books, teethers, and small stuffed animals that are perfect for her right now.


We were happy to share little Easter surprises with our sweet nephews, too. I'm so glad I could be there to spend lots of time with them during their Spring Break. My 8-year-old nephew lost his two front teeth just before we arrived, and boy was I happy that it happened before I got there. Pulling teeth has always, always given me the creeps!

A trip home to Louisiana wouldn't be complete without awesome food, and we had plenty of it! I ate rice and gravy to my heart's content, and Lily was happy as a clam because someone was always available to hold her and play with her. It was lots of fun being there to celebrate and go out to eat for my sister's birthday, too.

I finally got my long hair chopped off later in the week as well. My last haircut was about 8 months ago, so you can imagine how good it felt! It was also a treat to be able to watch the Royal Wedding with my mom. We got up and watched it together in the wee hours of the morning, oohing and ahhing over every little detail. Did you guys watch and enjoy it as much as we did?

Lily and I had a lovely week away, but we sure did miss Daddy! He came back to get us the following weekend and I know he was happy to have his baby girl back home.

Where The Heart Is

In my last post I mentioned that I've been struggling with the idea of "home" lately. I thought I'd go into some more detail here in hopes that it might be cathartic in a way.

I'll start by saying that I like where we live. My husband truly enjoys his job as a software engineer at NASA. The job is what brought us here, and it has been a rewarding job for him for the past ten years. I knew it would be hard to leave Louisiana, but the opportunity was there and we both agreed that it was the right time for us to make that move back in 2001. We'd been married for three years and I think we were ready to feel that we were truly "on our own." Moving away meant leaving his hometown, and the town that had been my new home since starting college six years earlier. His parents lived there and we had a great network of friends as well. Leaving was very hard but it was the right thing to do for us. This became even more clear when the next chapter of our lives began -- trying to have a baby. Living near Houston opened up a lot of opportunities to find a doctor who could help us. It took us a while to do that, but we've been very glad that we had those resources available.

There have been lots of great things about living here, not to mention that we are only a little more than two hours' drive from my family. I know that fact may make it seem silly that I often bellyache about being homesick. But the fact is that, even after ten years, Texas still doesn't feel like home. My heart is back home in Louisiana.

If you know Louisiana, then you know that it's a place all its own. No, I don't mean New Orleans, although it's certainly unique! Contrary to popular belief, the whole of Louisiana can't be summed up by experiencing only New Orleans. As close as we are here in this neighboring state, the way of life is really quite different. I use expressions here all the time that make my friends ask what on earth I'm talking about. I talk of food that they've never eaten, much less heard of. It's a culture and a cuisine that can't be re-created anywhere. That place will always be home to me, no matter where I live.

We have made a great home here, though. We bought our house in 2002 after a year of apartment living. It's a modest three-bedroom house that has been just the right size for our small family. I love our home. As a homemaker I spend lots of time here. I like the paint colors we chose and the way that we've decorated it with things that we love. We've made lots of good memories here, although this house also holds the memories of our six miscarried children. Those are tough memories, but also ones that I don't wish to forget entirely. The back yard is home to the tree we planted for them (well, we planted it for our first baby, but it has come to represent all six for us over the years). I know that it will be hard to leave this place someday. I'm sure that future residents here won't give that tree a second thought.

So, I'm torn. I like our home here, but lately I feel so disconnected. I think it all began to snowball about a month before Lily was born. You see, I've been a stay-at-home wife (and finally now, mom) for the past decade. I don't have a very large social group here. The majority of my local friends have come from church. My church family are the only people that I see on a regular, weekly basis. About five months ago, though, the small mission church (or church plant) that we'd been attending for the past eight years abruptly closed its doors.

We'd been members there through thick and thin, since its very first meeting. In the early years we met in a school before renting our own building. Numbers had been dwindling and finances were tough for the past couple of years, and we were back to meeting in a temporary location and trying to figure out what to do next. My husband and I personally weren't sure at that point of the future of that church or whether God was leading us to look for a new church home. The end came suddenly, though, and it left us feeling pretty unsettled. Of course we have stayed in touch with a few very dear friends whom we treasure, but we miss that scheduled weekly time of worshiping together.

I think the combination of losing our church home right before having a baby has been even tougher than I first imagined. It's so hard for me to think of visiting churches with a small baby. She's sort of on a schedule now, but it would be difficult to keep her with us during a service and even more difficult for me to leave her with total strangers in a different nursery week after week. There are lots of aspects to this that I could go into, but I'll just say that I don't feel up for it yet. I know from experience that church hunting is not an easy thing to do. And it intimidates me even more to think of doing it with a baby.

On top of all that, I think that having a baby in general has made me think more and more about home. I want my little Texan to grow up knowing as much as she can about her Louisiana heritage. It is a long and rich (in tradition, not in wealth) heritage that I've researched and can trace back at least seven generations on my side of the family alone, not to mention my husband's. And although I know we are just over two hours away, sometimes I really do wish that Lily could just hop on over to her Granny's house for a visit. There are times when two and a half hours seems like so far away.

My heart is there, but it's also here. It's here because "home" is where my husband and daughter are. Within the walls of our house, I feel perfectly happy and secure and at peace. But when I think about getting out there and finding a new church family, and especially down the road when we must start looking at schools for Lily, it feels so foreign and unsettling. It's hard to imagine our future here, but I know that moving back would never be exactly the same as it used to be.

It feels that somehow, at the same time, I have two homes and yet no home. Does that make sense? My heart is in two places: here and there. But staying here means starting over, just like returning there would also be starting over. Like I mentioned in the last post, we have no plans to move. It's just something we think about, especially now that we have a child.

And after all of that, I realize that houses aren't really what make up a home. People do and families do; I know that. Sometimes I wonder if I'm simply chasing some elusive feeling of what home is or used to be.

(I'm not even sure if these thoughts of mine have translated well into a blog post, but there you have it. Thanks for sticking with it if you've read this far!)

Crawfish Season

Last weekend we had our first crawfish boil of the year. Chuck did the cooking for a group of about 40 people from our church. He did a great job! The tables were loaded down with crawfish, corn, potatoes, mushrooms, garlic, and lemons, and it was delicious! I have been particularly homesick for Louisiana lately, so it was nice to have a little taste of home. We had a busy weekend of planning and shopping for the event. We were really glad that it went well and everyone enjoyed it.


Chuck manning the pots:

Our group went through almost all of the vegetables and 120 pounds of crawfish. Chuck and I claimed the leftovers, which we peeled and cooked in a wonderful crawfish casserole. I want to share the recipe here on the blog for anyone who might be interested. I got this recipe from my best friend's mom. She and I enjoyed this casserole many times when we were growing up! I was fortunate to have so many wonderful meals from her kitchen and my own mother's kitchen when I was younger.

Crawfish Casserole

1 stick margarine
1 med/small onion, chopped
1 bell pepper, chopped
1/2 tsp. garlic salt
1 small can Ro-tel, drained
1 can cream of mushroom
2 c. cooked rice
1/4 c. chopped parsley
2 lbs. crawfish tails
1 can whole kernel corn, drained
bread crumbs
additional seasoning to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
First, begin cooking rice. In a separate pot, saute onion and bell pepper in margarine. Add crawfish and Ro-tel tomatoes. Stir and cook 5 minutes. Add corn and cream of mushroom. Stir and cook additional 5 minutes. Stir in cooked rice and parsley. Add seasonings (I use garlic salt, a little black pepper, and of course, Tony Chachere's). Put mixture in a greased casserole dish and top with bread crumbs. Bake 30 minutes or until center begins to bubble.

Putting the ingredients together on the stovetop:

Crawfish casserole ready to go into the oven:

I hope you get to try this out!

NOTE: I've been told that shrimp works just as well if you don't care for crawfish or have trouble finding it in your area.

Shifting

Lately I've been noticing a change in the direction of my life. I guess it is only slight, since my ultimate goal remains the same. Ultimately I still want to be a mother. I want to raise children, whether biological or adopted. Even that last sentence is a shift in thinking for me. You see, I really didn't give much thought to adoption 10 years ago. I innocently thought that things would go pretty much as I imagined in my mind. I got married, finished college, worked for a couple of years, and was ready to start a family.

In fact, let's back up a bit. When I started college I majored in journalism. As far as career choices went, I knew that I liked to write. I wasn't sure whether that was the right path but I figured it was a safe place to start. Even then I knew that what I wanted out of life was marriage and children, but I have always been a very practical person. I didn't know how long that might take, so I wanted to pursue something I would enjoy. The fact was that I doubted I would find a spouse immediately.

Then came the first major shift.

It became increasingly harder for me to work on a deadline. I was pretty stressed out, and suddenly being a freshman in college, working my minimum wage, on-campus job, and writing for my school's newspaper were stretching me too thin. I know people who have conquered much more difficult things than that, but at the time it was pretty overwhelming for this small-town girl! To top it all off, I was trying to get through without school loans (by God's grace) and without a car. It was certainly a challenge!

By my second year of college I decided to change my major. My relationship with Chuck had grown more serious and I began to consider a more family-oriented major. I didn't regret what studying journalism had taught me so far, so I decided to continue with it as my minor. The best thing is that I hadn't lost any time. I still graduated in 4 years, with only one extra summer of classes in the middle. Don't get me wrong, college had not become just something I thought I should do. As someone who didn't come from a long (or even short) line of college graduates, I felt honored to be there. I worked at it with all of my might, even after getting married between my junior and senior years. My graduation day finally came in May of 1999 (yikes, almost 10 years ago!). I earned a Bachelor of Science Degree in Family, Infancy, and Early Childhood Education with a double minor in Child Development and (that's right) Journalism. I graduated summa cum laude, and I praised the Lord for seeing me through with my goal intact: finishing college debt free.

That brings me back to the shifting. I felt like my life up until that point had been geared toward having a family. Certainly I consider my husband and myself a family, but I always wanted children too. Although I never wanted to be a teacher, I saw myself having my own children and somehow working with other children. My life has taken quite a different path and I now don't know in what direction it is heading. For example, I used to volunteer at church in the nursery department, mainly to fill a gap that needed extra help. I've come to realize, though, that it isn't my place to do that. That isn't where I need to be right now, and I'm done feeling guilty about it. I would much rather serve where my heart is truly in it. I still love children and want to be a mother more than ever. But how can I serve? Where is my place?

I'm beginning to think that my place, for right now anyway, is a "caring ministry." It turns out that life hasn't given me tons of experience with raising kids even though I thought I had set it up that way. No, I now have more experience with loss, trials, and grief. But I'm not falling apart (again, by God's grace). I hope I'm being made stronger. I've learned over the years that you never know what someone else is facing in life. I've learned to be sensitive to other people's struggles. I've learned to listen and not give empty advice or words of false hope. I hope I've learned to be a better friend and a praying friend.

I trust in God's plan for my life and I'm willing to go where He leads. In this life I've surely learned how to be flexible. Hopefully from here on out, the stretching and the shifting won't be too difficult.

What is Our Purpose?

How great is it that we live in the age of information? I love that there is so much out there to read and study at the click of a button. I’d be a little embarrassed to admit how many times I use Google every day! Sure, sometimes it can all be overwhelming, but it’s worth it when you find something that is just what you were looking for or needed to hear.

I have been having an internal debate for quite some time now. Does that mean there are voices in my head? Maybe so (ha ha). It all came to a head a few weeks ago when I was handed a book to read. If you read my blog regularly or know me in real life, then I hope you know that I’m not here to drag anybody through the mud. I won’t mention the name of the book here, but if you wish to know it feel free to e-mail me.

It would also be crucial to point out that this book came to me in a Bible study setting. Like any material for a Bible study, I think we must be very careful when considering someone else’s opinion or personal conviction, as opposed to what is actually scriptural. There were many, many things in the book that I disagreed with, both personally and spiritually. I decided immediately that I could not participate in the study. After some discussion between the group leader (who is a trusted friend) and myself, and then the leader and our pastor, the book has been tossed out as Bible study material for our group of ladies. Please understand that I don’t think everyone must agree with my opinion! I think it is wise and healthy to discuss differing opinions and viewpoints. In fact, I hope that is exactly what will happen now that the book has been in the spotlight at my church.

I’ve kept you in suspense long enough. My main issue with the book is that the author seems to be pushing the idea that every married woman must be a mother, and that it is her primary purpose and calling. Interestingly enough, the author is a middle-aged single woman with no children. She has obviously come to terms with the fact that as a Christian woman it is acceptable to remain unmarried. However, she clearly doesn’t think that married Christian women should be childless. This raises so many concerns for me. The most obvious one, of course, is that I don’t wish to remain childless! I haven’t chosen this path. The only one who can rescue me from this situation (God) has not yet done so. I don’t like it one bit, but I trust Him completely. I’m willing to let Him handle this, through natural means or through medicinal means. Either way, He’s in control.

There are other situations to consider on this topic besides infertility. I don’t believe that every married woman on the planet WANTS to be a mother. Is she ignoring her primary purpose in life if she chooses not to have children? Is she missing her calling? I don’t think so. I personally believe that a Christian woman should seek to serve the Lord as her primary purpose, no matter if she is married or single, fertile or infertile.

A couple of days ago I came across a blog post that rocked my world. I can’t wait to share it with you! I believe it was no coincidence that it came my way. I wanted to stand up and shout after reading what Amy had to say here. The post begins with some political talk, but that’s not what I want to debate here. I want to direct your attention below that and to the heart of the post, about a woman’s highest calling.

I love being a wife and I believe it is part of God's will for my life. I try to honor God and my husband daily. I strongly desire to be mother and have the utmost respect for those who do it well day in and day out. As long as I am living for Jesus I feel as if I am serving my purpose, whether I ever have children or not.

Mother's Day

I love my mom! I honestly think I have one of the coolest moms on the planet. Somehow she found that perfect balance between being a mother and a friend when I was growing up. I never wanted to do anything to disappoint her, yet I was never afraid to ask or tell her anything. I think that's unique. Although she gets my love and respect every day, I think it's great to have a day set aside each May to honor her. I'm also a big card-sender. Every year for Mother's Day I send out cards to my mom, my mother-in-law, my two grandmothers and my husband's two grandmothers, my precious great-aunt, and one of my dearest friends whom I love "like a mom." That's a lot of cards, but I consider it a joy to honor these special women in my life.

As much as I love doing those things, it is still a bit hard for me each year when Mother's Day comes around. But I don't want to boycott Mother's Day! No, I'm not a mom, so what I do to handle the holiday is focus on the reasons I DO have to celebrate moms. I make it a point every year to have plans for Mother's Day weekend. I don't want to be at home. I want to spend that time with my family.

I often feel misunderstood about this holiday. You see, my husband and I decided a few years back to "not be around" when it gets here. I love that he understands where I'm coming from and is very cooperative. We have a lot of local friends whose parents live here too. That's not the case for my husband and me. Our parents are back home in Louisiana. So we travel.

The point of writing this is to say that I've learned what I can handle and what I can't. For example, I can't walk into my church on Mother's Day Sunday where all of my friends will be surrounded by their moms and/or their children and I will have neither. Actually, if I'm being honest, what happens is that I get a phone call a few days before asking me if I'll work in the nursery that day. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it feels like they don't want to ask any moms to miss out on the special service honoring them so they choose me. It seriously happens every year. No, I don't want to leave them short-handed, but trust me, I put in my time as a volunteer nursery worker during the year! I'm not available to help on Mother's Day because I'm choosing to spend the day with my mother. It's just that simple.

I was talking with a friend recently about this subject. She finds it hard to attend church services on Mother's Day, too, after her mother unexpectedly died a few years ago. I've said this before, but I am constantly reminded that we just don't know where someone might be hurting. I don't think it's right to judge someone for missing church because of a personal reason. Sure, ideally the church would be the first place for a hurting person to go! And I still believe that. But I have learned that the church is made up of imperfect people (including myself). Sometimes I think we could stand to have a little more mercy and a little less criticism.

I love Mother's Day because I love moms! I want to be one someday real soon. Until then, I just need to enjoy the freedom to celebrate it in a way that makes me feel good inside - like honoring my mom.