Transitioning

It's so hard to believe that baby Lily will be two months old in just a few days. On the other hand, it feels like she has been part of my life forever.

The transition has been an interesting one. Sure, caring for a new baby is pretty different from how I used to spend my days. It's hard to put into words what it felt like to go from losing multiple pregnancies to finally bringing home a baby. I guess part of that is the fact that nothing can bring back what was lost. With that being said, though, there has also been a lot of healing that has taken place in my heart over the past two months. I am so grateful for that, and I'm reminded of it every time I see her precious face!

For more than eight years I was a stay-at-home wife. Yeah, try explaining that to people when you first meet! It always opened the door to a barrage of questions about why we didn't have children and why I didn't have a job. It was difficult to explain over and over again that I had stopped working when we moved to a new state and started trying to have a baby. And then miscarriage entered my life, and before I knew it nearly a decade had passed. We had no idea how long that stage of our life was going to last. I certainly never could have predicted all that unfolded during those years.

Now I've become what I'd always wanted to be. I'm a stay-at-home mom. Bringing home baby Lily fulfilled that lifelong desire of my heart. She is my dream come true!

But dreams are funny things, you know. Sometimes mine manage to bring up some of those old fears. A few nights ago I had a dream that Lily wasn't really mine and my time with her was up. I had to return her to her real family. I seriously woke up with an empty feeling in my stomach and I gave her lots of extra snuggles that day.

Even though caring for a new baby is a full-time job and is at times very challenging, I love this place where I finally get to be. These two months have been full of some very happy times and some difficult ones too, but we're getting settled more and more each day. I'm finally feeling comfortable in my ability to read her baby cries and meet her needs every day. And although it was a bumpy road to get here, our nursing routine has finally worked out as well. Things began to improve after the second week and especially after the sixth week, and I'm so happy about that! I've heard that in terms of breastfeeding the three-month mark is another milestone, so I'm looking forward to making it that far. Lily Rae continues to amaze me. I know I'm biased, but even on her fussy days I remind myself that she truly is such a good, adaptable baby.

Our new favorite thing is her smile. This month she has really started responding to us when we talk to her. It is the most precious thing to see her little mouth transform into a big, gummy smile! Today I even caught her smiling at the ceiling fan a couple of times. :)

Here's a recent pic of her sweet smile. You can also see her little "angel kiss" between her eyes -- in the same spot where I had one as a baby. (Thanks to my blog friend Jo for the cute outfit!)

On Sacrifice

If you know anything about me or have read very much of this blog, you know that I've been waiting a very long time to hold my child in my arms. Six times before we hoped that our prayers were being answered, only to watch helplessly as we went through one miscarriage after another. We still believe that God gave us those children, if only for a short time, even though it hurt so much that we never saw their faces, looked into their eyes, or even spoke their names.

In a little more than a month, my husband and I will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary. Twelve years equals a lot of date nights! Chuck and I have enjoyed lots of time together as a married couple. We've gone on vacations (a few of them spur-of-the-moment) and explored our hobbies and generally enjoyed our life together for quite a while now. In a few days it will be 9 years ago that we moved to our current location and I became a stay-at-home wife. Since I gave up working nearly a decade ago, I've indulged in staying up late and sleeping in, while still having plenty of time to get my housework done and maybe even watching an afternoon movie or spending a few hours on scrapbooking or reading. (The reason I gave up working, however, was to pursue having children. Those years of "staying home" were also filled with our efforts to become parents.)

I enjoy being home. I'm not the kind of person who needs someplace to go every day. My life right now is such that I spend quite a few hours at home in a very quiet house. I truly don't mind the quiet; I've grown used to it by now. Perhaps that sounds wonderful to some of you who may be reading this in a chaotic environment right now! But to tell you the truth, I'm ready for change. I'm ready for the laughter and cries of a little one. And while I'm not expecting the change to be simple or easy, I'm okay with giving up our frequent date nights and my full nights of sleep. Before you think I'm crazy or in denial about how hard life might be with a newborn, let me explain why.

I consider it nothing short of a miracle that we are 19 weeks into our 7th pregnancy. If God has intervened and heard my pleas and cries and granted us this miracle, this chance to finally hold our child in our arms, then I see these as small sacrifices on my part. While I've gotten settled into the life I've had thus far and found things that I enjoy doing during our years of waiting and grieving, I will gladly accept the change. The desire I feel right now to skip past this second half of pregnancy has everything to do with my eagerness to finally reach the point where the reward of our toil and suffering is placed in my arms. This baby girl has been prayed for and hoped for, and our journey to get to her has been the absolute hardest thing we have ever endured. I will carry those scars forever, and I am a different person because of what we've been through.

I'm not at all in denial about how challenging it will be to raise children. I admire those who do it and do it well despite all of its demands (and I appreciate those who speak honestly about the challenges of parenthood!). I don't doubt that this new chapter in our lives will stretch us and change us, but I know that this is what we've signed up for. This is what we've been waiting for and fighting for. Some people make it sound like I will never eat, sleep, have fun, go on vacation, participate in a hobby, or read a novel ever again. It's assumed by some that having a child will be the end of my life, so to speak, but I see it as the beginning of a new chapter that I've been striving for. I'm determined to focus on what we'll consider it an honor to be getting rather than what we may be giving up. I have too many dear friends who would gladly make the sacrifices necessary to realize their dream of having children for me to take anything for granted. Those who have lived through infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth understand sacrifice, too.

So, every time I mention a nap or a restful night's sleep, or enjoying a night in front of the TV, or a night out with my husband, and someone feels the need to remind me to "enjoy it while I can," I'll continue to smile to myself, knowing that I'm just passing the time until I have the privilege of sacrificing some of those things that have filled my years, kept my idle hands busy, and served as a distraction for my aching heart, in order to take care of a child that I always wanted but feared I'd never have.

And it will seem like such a small sacrifice indeed.

More of the Same

It's that time of year when many people are busy with the beginning of a new school year.

I seem to always have a hard time with these "new beginning" and "moving forward" kinds of occasions. Right now most of my friends are school shopping, meeting new teachers and new friends, and watching their children grow and learn. Don't get me wrong - I'm sure that if I had school-age kids, I might not be looking forward to sending my little ones off to school. I know it's often a stressful time for parents and kids, but I find myself once again feeling left behind.


For me, a new school year means just a couple of things:

driving carefully through school zones again;

blissfully empty and quiet movie theaters on weeknights;

realizing that I am in the same place as last summer,

and the summer before that,

and the summer before that...

It's definitely not the time of year that gets me down. Each year around this time I look forward to the end of summer and the prospect of lower temperatures (although we have to wait a while for that where I live in Texas). Autumn is actually my favorite season. Typically, Chuck and I try to plan vacations in the fall, because of the nice weather and the smaller crowds. This year, however, we traveled with my family much earlier, in May, which leaves me longing to have something to look forward to this time of year. I certainly don't long for my own school days. I'm very happy to be done with my own days of classes and homework and schedules!

I think I'm just missing something. Something different. Some progress, maybe. Instead, I feel stagnant. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, like I'm stuck while people around me keep moving forward.

A new school year for me means more of the same. Another day in the life of a stay-at-home-wife.

Calling All SAHWs

Is it possible to be totally sure you are doing the right thing and yet somehow unsure? I don't know but I have feelings like that all the time.

I made a choice (along with my husband) about 7 years ago to be a homemaker. It was an exciting time for us. We were moving to a new state, he had just accepted an unbelievable new job, and we were going to try to have a baby. Part of me says that I've never regretted my decision to become a homemaker. I absolutely love it! When the decision was made, however, we both thought I would soon be joining the SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) club. Now that it hasn't happened that way I have had some doubts. I still love the job of homemaker even though it isn't always rewarding. My biggest reward is feeling content in a clean house. Now, I'm not underestimating that reward. It's huge for me and I know my husband digs it too. It actually felt pretty great today because I got some house cleaning done to the tune of the Olympics on TV. It was pretty inspirational. I think I turned in at least a silver medal performance. But it doesn't feel great day in and day out. It's wonderful when all the laundry is done but that feeling fades pretty fast the next time we take showers and change clothes. Like my mom always says, "A woman's work is never done."

I'm sure lots of women feel discouraged sometimes when it comes to keeping up with housework. I do even though it's my number one job. We also have lots of company and I often feel like I'm running a bed and breakfast (although I like to joke that breakfast isn't always included). As soon as our guests leave it's like a whirlwind of changing sheets, washing towels, and cleaning the bathroom. These are chores. They're not really meant to be fun, just things we must do. Most of the time I really don't mind them too much. Another wonderful thing about being a homemaker is that I can get my work done and allow time for hobbies without feeling guilty about using my time on things I enjoy. Of course many women have figured out how to do that and work outside the home at the same time, which I find amazing. I'm strictly speaking from my own experience. I did at one time have a job outside the home. When I look back on that time in my life I remember spending just about every weekend catching up on chores and not having a whole lot of time to do fun things.

These days the trouble comes when I feel like I haven't contributed much to the world. I wonder if my life has a whole lot of meaning outside of my bubble. It doesn't help that I feel like the only SAHW (Stay At Home Wife) my age in the entire world. Are there any others out there? Thirty-somethings who have chosen to be homemakers and who don't have any children? I don't think I know any but I would be delighted to meet some. Even just one. I want to ask them if they ever feel insignificant. I need to know if they ever feel like just becoming a full-fledged, board-up-the-windows hermit. Sometimes I feel like I'm just one flick of the Swiffer Duster away from being a total recluse.

It is easy to feel insignificant when your social circle becomes smaller and smaller. I don't have any co-workers or any real groups other than church where I interact with others. Most of my relationships these days are maintained through phone calls, e-mail, and Facebook. It can get pretty lonely here.

Some of these feelings and attitudes are in opposition to what I know I really feel about homemaking. I admire homemakers. I want to be as good at homemaking as my mom, my Grandma Mary, and my Granny. The photo on this blog looks like an ad for Ivory soap, but it is an actual picture that I recently found of my great-aunt. I love it because she is a wonderful woman and the picture evokes feelings of a warm, clean, and orderly home. That's what I want people to feel when they come into my home.

Whether I feel like it or not I know I really love what I do. I don't get paid for it but the rewards can be pretty great.