Why We're Not "Trying For A Boy"

The questions are inevitable. We should all be used to them by now.

When you're single everyone wants to know why you're not dating. When you're dating they want to know why you're not married yet. As soon as you tie the knot, they want to know when babies are coming, and look out if this takes longer than people find reasonable. As soon as you have the first baby, and especially after he or she starts having birthdays, they want to know when the sibling will arrive. And so on...

I vividly remember the young anesthesiologist in the operating room when Anna was about to be born. It wasn't the guy who couldn't successfully administer the spinal block, nor the guy who came to relieve him and give me the epidural. It was the guy who was up near my head during the whole surgery, watching my blood pressure and vitals. Needless to say, after all the (painful) drama surrounding the failed spinal block I was not exactly in a relaxed state! But bless his heart, he was trying to make conversation and trying to take my mind off of things. He asked if this would be my first baby and I told him I had a 2-year-old daughter. Did we know the new baby's gender? Yes, another girl, I said. His immediate reaction was my new favorite question (not): Are you going to try for a boy?

I looked up at him incredulously and managed a chuckle, telling him I was pretty positive this was it for me. It was such a ridiculous time to ask such a question that I even heard my doctor laughing from the other side of the drape.

That wasn't the only time we've heard the question. Really, I do know that most of the time people don't mean to offend or be rude or nosy. But I can't help but wonder sometimes whether people actually think about these questions or what they may imply? To me, whether the following things are all intentional or not, the "try for a boy" question implies:

1. That we aren't satisfied with two girls.
Sometimes I want to shout it from the rooftops -- We are completely satisfied with two daughters! Both my husband and I are extremely grateful that God gave us children at all. We think parenting two daughters is an honor and a privilege. Their relationship with each other as sisters delights us on a daily basis. Even though we long ago imagined ourselves with girls, this does not mean we wouldn't have been equally grateful for or satisfied with boys. Children are a blessing! When you've been through the valley to get to your children, you don't sit around wishing that God had given you a different kind. You thank him daily for remembering you, for answering your heartfelt prayers, and for giving you your heart's desire. Our girls are precious and silly and hilarious and beautiful and fun! They are full of joy and full of life, and sometimes when I look at them I see a lifetime of sharing special moments with them as my daughters and my friends. And oh, when I see the sweet and special relationship they have with their daddy, it melts my heart.

2. That we're missing out on the ideal family by not having children of both genders.
I think there are some people out there who really think every man should have a son. That if he doesn't, he's missing out on a special bond. I personally think that's ridiculous. One family member who likes to joke around even suggested that my husband wasn't "manly" enough to produce boys. WOW. That may be the dumbest "joke" I've ever heard. Long before we ever had children, my husband and I had conversations about all the fun things he'd love to do with his daughter or son. And guess what? They were the exact same things. Who cares if you're playing with tea sets or trucks? The memories we've made as a family watching movies together, going to the zoo or the park, playing outside, having tickle fights, and going for ice cream would look much the same if we had girls, boys, or both. Those are the things that matter, not whether their rooms have pink curtains or blue ones. It makes my heart soar that I have a husband who cherishes his girls. Friends, there is nothing in the world more "manly" to me than a man who is secure enough in his masculinity to have a tea party and play with dolls with his daughters.
We've all heard that singsong response that people give sometimes when they have a boy and a girl: "One of each! Now our family is complete!" I'm here to tell you that MINE IS TOO. God completed his plan for our family when he gave us our two daughters.

3. That having children is easy or that it's all about getting the children we want.
I don't mind one bit when a friend asks whether or not we might try to have another baby. Someone who cares about me and my family, who knows a little (or a lot) about what we've been through, is certainly welcome to ask me about my family's future plans. But I have a hard time when it comes from an acquaintance who just wants to be nosy, or if it's phrased like having another child is just a walk in the park. I understand that it is, for some. But for so many it's not, and not only is it difficult, it's also painful to talk about sometimes. We don't all have the privilege of deciding exactly how many children we want and then going on with our lives, sitting back and watching it all fall into place with relative ease and convenience. I'm always tempted to respond to the question with either "None of your business" or giving the whole, long story of our struggle with infertility and miscarriage and everything it took to get to where we are. We fought hard to get here.
I'll admit, it gets under my skin when I hear others go on and on about their preferences when it comes to having children. Is that really what it's all about? I understand having a dream of one day having a daughter or son, specifically. I totally get that. But I believe that the decision rests with our Creator and that he alone designs each and every family as he sees fit. It's up to us to be the best parents we can be to the children he gives us (and in whatever way, by adoption or biologically). Each family is different and unique and special, and that's what makes it all so great. Of course, during the twelve years that my husband and I were married without children, we considered ourselves a family then, too. Families without children are just as special.

Believe me, I love little boys! I have nephews who are so dear to my heart that it feels like they came from my own body. Little boys are wonderful and I'm so glad to have some really special ones in my life. But God gave us wonderful, special girls. We love them with all of our hearts. We feel no need to "try for a boy." We are done, but even if we decided to have a third child, we'd be perfectly happy with a boy OR another girl.

We are content and satisfied. We have two girls. And we are complete.

Doing The Hard Things

The first month of the new year is winding down, friends. It was my birthday month as well. Last Saturday I turned 37 and it has me reflecting on some things, as my birthday usually does these days.

There are a few characteristics that I've never felt like I've really been able to claim. Can you relate? For example, I've never felt super independent. I'm a younger sister who was always very close to her older sister. We shared most things, including a bedroom (and a bed!), until she left for college. Two years later, I followed her to the same university where we were roommates for a year before she got married. The next year, my Sophomore year of college, is the only year of my entire life that I've ever lived alone. During that year I had a private dorm room on campus (which was like being alone, yet not). The year after that, I lived in the home of a dear family who treated me like one of their own. And by the time my senior year arrived, I was married to my husband. We've now been married for 15 years.

I know that being independent doesn't entirely mean living alone, but it's just not a way I would describe myself. I'm most comfortable with someone close to me, looking out for me in a way. I admire those who can get out there and make a new path all on their own. But I feel much safer and happier walking a well-trodden one with someone I love and trust walking with me. Okay, in front of me... so I'll know where to go.

And I guess that's part of the reason that I have, at times, felt weak. Certain events in my life, though, have served to toughen me up and ultimately made me realize that I was stronger than I thought. Coming from a broken home where we didn't have a whole lot of money, and the kinds of issues my sister and I had to face from a very young age is one of those events.

The other big one that stands out in my mind is infertility.

It feels like I've had to fight hard for the life that I have today. I know, nobody ever promised it would be easy. I realize that, and it's okay. I'm not bitter about it. But I'm not ashamed to say this:
I'm proud of the fact that I've learned how to do some hard things.

You should know that I have a hard time complimenting myself. I don't mean that I normally have a lot of self-pity or low self-esteem, but that I am my own harshest critic. I have difficulty acknowledging when I've done well, as well as forgiving myself when I make stupid mistakes, and I replay the dumb things I say and do every night in my mind before I go to sleep. Let's just say, sometimes it takes me a really long time to go to sleep! I realize this about myself -- I worry and I regret much more than I should.

My point is, I've learned that I CAN do the hard things. There's something about that statement that I find empowering. This baby sister, follower, scrawny little child from a tiny town in southern Louisiana, whose childhood was tough and who learned how to do without, who is more comfortable reading about adventure than experiencing it, who always felt awkward and who never knew what a happy, healthy marriage looked like, who was told she'd never realize her dream of having children, somehow (by the grace of God)... grew up, left home, went to college, got married to an amazing, godly man, survived nearly nine years of infertility and recurrent miscarriage, and had two beautiful daughters. That was me! I actually DID THAT. I haven't done anything that would be earth-shattering to most people, but they've been huge accomplishments to me.

Do I sometimes wish it hadn't been so dang hard? YES. I often wish that, even though I know that it taught me a whole lot -- so much more than I could have learned without having experienced it firsthand. (Allow me to say here that I'm fully aware of the many, many people who have had a way harder time than I could ever imagine. I'm not trying to make comparisons or dwell on which hardships are "worse," but only to reflect on my own experiences and how far the Lord has brought me personally.) I've realized that having things like this in my past that I've overcome have made me feel stronger. They've made me feel like I can accept and face a challenge head-on, knowing that I've made it through some tough things already.

I love this quote from William Barclay and I think I've shared it on this blog before, but it's worth repeating: The effect of testing rightly borne is strength to bear still more and to conquer in still harder battles. 
So, so true!

I don't write this to say that now I've entered into an easy time. No, in fact, I feel challenged more and more every single day because this parenting thing is HARD. More than ever before, I feel like daily I have to surrender and cry out to God for strength and wisdom and patience. I love my kids so much and I fought so hard to have them! I wouldn't change a thing and I'm forever grateful for these two lives entrusted to me, but that doesn't mean it's an easy job to wake up and do every day. I so badly want to do this job well, and I think that's partly what makes it such a challenge. I put pressure on myself to give it my best and I beat myself up when I fail. But, guess what? I know now that I can do the hard things.

One of my big challenges after I had Lily was breastfeeding. I won't give you all the gory details, but it started out rough. I knew, though, that it was something I really wanted to do. If it ultimately didn't work out, I knew it would be fine both for her and for me. I know that not everyone can or even wants to do it, and I pass no judgement on what anyone else decides to do, but I knew that I wanted to try. I had to set small goals for myself in the beginning, and it felt like a miracle every time they were reached and surpassed. I nursed Lily for 12 months, which was the highest goal I had set (in the beginning, not really believing I would ever get there). Just about two weeks ago I wrapped up 13 months of breastfeeding Anna. It was much easier for me the second time around (thank the Lord), but that's not to say it didn't have its own challenges. I bring this up as an example, though, because it was one of those events during which I had to keep reminding myself that I Can Do The Hard Things. Nursing a baby while running after, caring for, giving attention to, potty training, and generally keeping alive a toddler is a hard thing, and one I was admittedly not fully prepared for! But it was something I really wanted to do, and reminding myself that I had done hard things before truly did help me make it through.

Another reason I bring up breastfeeding is because weaning what I know will be my last baby is also a hard thing. While I'm secure and satisfied with my family, it's bittersweet to watch my youngest grow out of the baby stage. She's officially a toddler now, walking all over the house like she owns the place. :)
I know that watching my kids grow up is going to be extremely satisfying and extremely hard. Sometimes I think that those of us who had to fight extra hard to get our children find it so very difficult to watch them grow up. We try for so long and we wait so much, we suffer loss, we struggle while everyone around us has babies and more babies, and we pray our hearts out for our turn to have a baby -- and then they're not babies for long at all, are they? But I often remind myself that each new stage is sweet and beautiful, just as the last one was.

So here's to a new year, 2014.
Here's to turning one year older.
Here's to facing it all knowing that we can do the hard things, and knowing that it'll be worth it.

Three and One

Since 2013 is winding down, I thought it would be a good time to post an update about my girls. My, how they're growing, as little ones tend to do! We've been busy at our house with birthday season this Fall. Lily turned three in September, my hubby's birthday is in October, and Anna turned one in November - on Thanksgiving Day this year. It has been a crazy, fun, and special time!

It's hard to believe that Lily is three. She's truly a joy, this special girl. She's just the right mixture of silly and sweet, girlie and dainty but not at all a diva, clever and smart. She absolutely loves Peter Pan (the old Disney cartoon), so that's what we did for her party theme. In fact, it also provided the theme for our whole family's Halloween costumes this year (more on that later).

Here are a few pictures from her Neverland-themed party in September:

Next came October, and we continued the Peter Pan theme with our costumes. Lily wanted to be Captain Hook (love her imagination!), so we dressed Anna up as Smee. Their daddy was Peter Pan, and I was Wendy. We had a blast!

November was a special month, as it was Anna's first Thanksgiving and her first birthday, all on the same day. Anna is a little Mommy's girl (quite a change from her big sis). She loves music, loves to dance, and loves to eat. She adds so much joy to our family!

We chose a theme of butterflies and pinwheels for her big day. Here are a few photos from her party:

It has been a fun year of firsts for Anna. She is quite a bundle of energy! Having two little ones close together is fun, but it's also more challenging than I ever imagined. Of course, we're still joyful every day for the opportunity to be parents to these two precious gifts.

To wrap up, here's a collage of all of Anna's month-by-month pictures to show how much she has grown and changed:

What a year it has been! I hope this time of year finds you counting your blessings as well, as you celebrate the holiday season with family and friends.

Beauty For Ashes

Writing about the babies we lost helps me to deal with the continued grief that is always there. There are things, like the passing of time, lessons learned, and the births of my daughters, that have helped to ease the burden of those losses, but nothing can ever take the pain or the memories away. And I've come to terms with that. Remembering them is important to me, and the process of giving each of them names has been part of my healing process as well.

Revisiting those experiences, one by one, felt like something I needed to do. Recurrent pregnancy loss has been a huge part of my life. I've been married to my husband for 15 years, more than half of which were nearly consumed by miscarriage and infertility. There was a lot of pain there, but we've come a long way. For that, I am thankful. And I'm constantly amazed and grateful that, by the grace of God, our story didn't end there.

After we lost little Aaron Joseph, our sixth baby, we experienced a new form of anguish: unexplained infertility. The weeks and months and, eventually, three years went by with no changes. After six pregnancies in six years, it seemed there might be no more chances. While we had some renewed hope and a new doctor, we still didn't know exactly why the first six pregnancies had ended too early. I wanted another chance. I hoped and prayed for another chance. But I was also terrified. Those three quiet years gave me some perspective. The fog had cleared a little bit and enough time had passed for me to realize that I never wanted to go back to that horror again. I knew, however, that it was a risk we'd have to take if we were ever going to see that dream realized and that longing fulfilled.

Above all I always trusted that my God was in control, even when my circumstances felt totally out of control. He's in the miracle business. That's what He does! Beauty for ashes; joy instead of mourning; praise instead of despair. (Isaiah 61:3)

He had something wonderful in store, and it was just around the corner. I'm just thankful that I held on for it.

Twelve years after we were married, nine years after we started trying to conceive, and eight years after the first positive pregnancy test, we finally looked upon the face of our daughter.

Two years and two months later, we held another daughter in our arms.

I don't know why it all happened the way that it did. I don't know why there was so much pain before the beauty, but I suppose that's what makes it all the more beautiful.

Happy Fall Y'all

Hello dear bloggy friends! It has been, I think, the longest I've been away since starting this blog. Realizing that an update was long overdue, I thought I'd write a quick one today.

The number one reason I've been too swamped to blog is that early last month we moved into a new house. We spent most of June, July, and August wrapped up in the whole process. We put our house on the market and had 4 offers within the first week! That was great, but it made us feel like the race was really on to find a new house that we loved. We finally found the right one and moved in on Labor Day weekend. The day of the big move was the first day of my third trimester, so needless to say it has been challenging. We have finally settled in for the most part, and best of all, Lily has adjusted very well to the new house. We are really happy with the extra space, especially when our families come to visit and we can accommodate guests again.

All that being said, I never really knew or was fully prepared for how much I would miss our old house. 10 years of memories, 8 pregnancies, lots of loss and tears, immense joy in finally bringing a baby home... all wrapped up in that little house. Of course it was also hard to leave our lovely, big backyard with our special tree that we planted in memory of our babies, but we know that we carry their memories within us wherever we go. We were able to share the meaning of the tree with the new owners and they assured us that they would take great care of it, and even left an open invitation for us to come visit anytime. It was very nice of them but we're really doing okay. There is something to be said for starting over again and making new memories, too. The babies we lost are safe in heaven and will always be in our hearts. And there's nothing that says we can't plant a new tree in our new backyard to serve as a visual reminder!

Our little family is doing well. Lily turned 2 years old on September 21, just a few weeks after we moved in. We had her birthday party here, surrounded by family and friends. She had a great time and loved her Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme! We just had her 2-year checkup and she was 28 lbs (75th percentile) and 36" tall (95th percentile). She's such a big girl all of a sudden and I can't believe she's almost a big sister.

Lily Rae is 2!

This weekend I'll be 34 weeks pregnant with baby sister, Anna. Besides the stress of the move, it has been a good and uneventful pregnancy so far. I do have borderline gestational diabetes this time around, which only means that I've been on a low carb diet for the past couple of weeks through the end of the pregnancy and am watching my weight. Not the easiest thing in the world to do, but most certainly not the hardest either. I'll be having another C-section after 39 weeks, so she will arrive (unless she surprises us) sometime the last week of November. We are scheduled for Wednesday, November 28 at the hospital, but only because Monday and Tuesday are completely booked. So, if by chance there is an opening, we may get in on Nov. 26 or 27.

No matter when she comes, we are excited to meet this new little one! She is so much more than what we imagined -- the icing on the cake and a truly wonderful gift. We chose the name Anna because we have loved it for many years, and because we love the story of Anna in the Bible (found in the second chapter of Luke). The name means "gracious, merciful," which the Lord has certainly been to us. Her middle name will be Evangeline, which means "messenger of good news." The middle name is also a nod to our beloved home state of Louisiana and Henry W. Longfellow's poem of the same name about the Acadian Exile. We absolutely love her name and cannot wait to see the face of our little Anna Evangeline in about five and a half weeks.

I hope this finds each and every one of you doing well. Even when I'm away from the blog world, you remain in my thoughts often and I always wish you the very best. I'll leave you with a few recent family pics that we had taken just a couple of weeks ago. Thanks to those of you who still read and follow this little old blog! I've appreciated your thoughts and prayers for my family over the years more than I can ever express.

The Old and The New

It's nearly 11 PM, three nights before Christmas. Lily is nestled all snug in her bed (and so is my husband, in ours) and our bags are packed and ready for us to leave early in the morning for a week of traveling to see family in Louisiana.

I'm quite used to being the last one awake in the house. I've always been a night owl. Tonight I'm thankful for a couple of hours of quiet before we begin a fun but busy Christmas week. It's allowing me a little bit of time to reflect on some things about the year and about Christmases past.

There are so many things that are different in our family now, things that have changed quite a bit in the past couple of years. The obvious one, of course, is that we have a child. We have a daughter sleeping down the hall, which, when I truly think about it, still amazes me. Before last year we'd had eleven Christmases together as a married couple without children, and now we're approaching our second one as parents. Last year's Christmas felt so foreign as we were adjusting to life with a three-month-old. It was beautiful and very special too, but it's nice this year to be able to feel so much more settled. And this year we are back to our old driving route, making a big circle (or more of an oval, I guess) from SE Texas up to N Louisiana, back down to SW Louisiana, and home again to Texas.

The year 2010 brought other changes as well, though, besides the birth of our long-awaited baby. In February of that year, my mom, stepdad, and younger brother moved from the little house in the country that we'd bought just a couple of months before my twelfth birthday. It was a kind of sad little wood-frame house that had lots of quirks from the start, but we were glad to have found a place we could afford that was back in the town that my sister and I called home. We had left all of our friends at school a few months earlier and moved in with my grandparents while my stepdad worked a job up in New Jersey, with the intention that we would all move there eventually. We didn't, though, and I was delighted when we moved back "home" and I was able to re-join my sixth grade class and, more importantly, my friends.

It had been a very tough transition for us girls at a new school and in a new town (my mom's hometown), although Mom would have loved to have stayed, I'm sure. My sister struggled at the new high school, not popularity-wise but with keeping her grades up. I felt completely isolated and didn't make a single friend at the elementary/middle school, and it was hard to be away from my sister for, really, the first time in my life (our previous school had grades K-12 all in one building, so we never were very far apart). And so that little house wasn't much to look at, but it was a way for us to move back home and back to the small school and friends that we loved.

The little house in the country did improve a tiny bit over the years. My mom and stepdad had the bathrooms remodeled after a few years, and when my sister and I married a couple of handy guys, we began to help out with improvements here and there as a family (painting the old, dark-paneled walls, changing the flooring, etc.), but always dreaming of seeing our mom in a much more comfortable, sturdy home someday. Mom had done her very best to make that house a home, but it required lots and lots of work. It was poorly insulated, which made it very hot in the summer and quite chilly in the winter. Mom had to clean the walls a few times a year because of mold and mildew, and the ceiling boasted some pretty interesting designs due to water stains from a leaky roof. The house was becoming much more of a burden and we began to start looking at options for them to finally move to a new house. Mom doubted it would ever happen, but lo and behold, a buyer appeared and after much work to get the house inspected and make necessary improvements, it actually sold. We helped them move during the early months of my pregnancy with Lily, and I have to say that we all felt like a weight had been lifted when they spent their first night in a brand new, beautiful home.

I never, ever thought I would miss the little gray house in the country. But it turns out, I do. I would never want to change their living situation back to what it was by any means, but it has been strange to realize that I actually miss turning at the only landmark in that tiny town (the little white post office), driving down that old dirt road, sitting on the porch swing, and listening to the familiar, soothing sound of trains rumbling down the railroad tracks at night -- a sound that lulled me to sleep nearly every night from my preteen years until I left for college. I miss that small bedroom right off the front porch that I shared with my sister until she moved out to attend college. And I miss that same room after we painted it blue for my baby brother, who took down our frilly curtains and our posters of cute boys and filled it up with dinosaurs and little boy things instead.

After they moved out I used to think about what it would feel like to drive by the old place and see what changes the new owners would undoubtedly make. I thought that, if my pregnancy was successful this time, it would be fun to take our child by there someday and show her the little house where we used to live and where her aunt and I spent our formative teenage years. The house wasn't full of all good memories, definitely, but we did have some good times there. And as you know, my baby arrived safe and sound in the fall of that year, but she'll never be able to see the house. We won't be able to show her anything except photographs and the land where it once stood because just four months after they moved out, there was a fire at mom's old house. Fortunately, no one was home and no one was injured, but the house was eventually torn down completely. It's all gone now: the wooden porches that Mom swept clean almost every day, the windowsill of our old bedroom where two of my friends carved their name (they had the same name -- James), and even the big sweet-gum tree that stood right beside the front steps. All gone.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the old and the new and gradually realizing that change is really okay. Sometimes it's great, but sometimes the changes take some getting used to. "Going home" still feels pretty different and new to me, but we're already making new memories in Mom's new house and it's kind of sweet to know that Lily will only think of one place when she looks back on going to visit her Granny. It'll be a place that holds lots of special memories from her childhood, memories that we're in the process of building for her even next week as we gather under that new roof, in a house that is only about a year older than Lily herself.

So there are lots and lots of new things for our family these days, but we're settling into some new routines and enjoying the changes. Having a little one around is helping us to see things from a new perspective, too, and it encourages us to roll with the changes and make some brand new traditions as we go along. Chuck and I were recently discussing how, even though we've been married for more than 13 years now and even though we were always a family even before we had Lily, this family of three thing is a new dynamic. In a way it feels like starting over.

Sometimes starting over can be a very good thing.

Twelve Months

The big day has come and gone. My sweet girl turned one year old last Wednesday, on September 21st! We had her birthday party, in the theme of the Very Hungry Caterpillar, at our house the Saturday before. It was a great day of celebration and we were surrounded by many of Lily's biggest fans. We had 12 adults and 6 children (including the birthday girl) and it was really just right for a first birthday party. It was very special to have our parents and siblings here, and we were only missing my husband's brother, his wife, and their son, who couldn't travel because they're getting ready to have our brand new little niece any day now!

Even though it was a relatively small party, we worked very hard the week leading up to it to get everything ready. The night before the party felt a lot like the night before Christmas. We put Lily to bed and tiptoed around the house setting up decorations and putting out presents, and when it was all done my husband and I looked at each other and had one of those "can you believe we're doing this" kind of moments.



Early the next morning we put out balloons and picked up her cake (which turned out so cute -- the bakery copied it perfectly from a photo I found on the Internet years ago) while welcoming our first party guests.

The day went so well and I think Lily really enjoyed herself. I wasn't sure how she might react to it all, but she couldn't have done better! She was happy and excited and in a sweet mood despite all of the activity around her. She got several new toys and lots of new books and clothes.

Every morning since the party she seems so excited to play with her new things. All year we'd been trying not to fill up the house with an excessive amount of toys, so I think she was really ready for and excited to have some new ones. And as far as eating cake goes, our girl acted like an old pro! You'd never have known it was her first time to try it. She loved it!

On top of all of that, my mom stayed the entire week with us and was able to be here to love on Lily for her actual birthday as well. We had a great time together.

Now, since this is probably the last detailed month-by-month update I'll post, here's what life looks like for Lily at age one:

Eating: The big news this month is that Lily has made the switch to cow's milk. We began gradually introducing it about 2 weeks ago and she likes it a lot, but she won't take it cold. I run her sippy cup under warm water and then she gulps it right down. We've said goodbye to formula for good and I haven't nursed her for over a week. The transition has gone more smoothly than I even imagined and I think that's because it was the right time. I'm beyond grateful that the "right time" for both of us coincided with my overall goal to try to breastfeed for the entire first year. I hope you can read my sincerity in those words because I truly mean it. I know quite a few precious moms who would have loved nothing more than to have been able to breastfeed their babies, and I know that it just doesn't always happen that way despite every possible effort. So I don't take that privilege lightly by any means.

Breastfeeding was one of the more challenging things I've ever done. In the beginning it was pretty close to hell on earth for me but we made it through some rough patches until it was WAY better, and I'm feeling overwhelmingly thankful and satisfied that we did it. I'm not at all ashamed to say that even though overall it was a great experience which I wouldn't trade for anything, I'm happy and relieved that it's done.

Sleeping: Nothing much new to report on sleep schedules. Lily's still napping twice a day, around 10 AM and 2 PM for about an hour each, and she goes to bed around 8:30 PM. It seems that our night-time pattern changes frequently, though, as any new thing works to disrupt her sleep. Last week was a stellar week as far as sleep went and we all felt happy and rested for about 6 days in a row... but we're back to waking up 2 or 3 times a night now and I think it's because Lily is cutting her top two front teeth. That's just my guess, but I'm sure it could be any number of other things! At any rate, she wakes up for the day around 7 AM (and this week it's been more like 6 AM) no matter how rough the night was. I don't know how she does it but you could truly set your clock by her!

Milestones: We still have a little "scooter" and I don't think she'll ever crawl in the traditional way on all fours. She gets around in her unique way very well, so I guess she sees no need to change it! She's cruising all around the furniture but hasn't taken any steps independently yet.

Like I mentioned above, Lily is cutting 2 new teeth and will soon have a total of 4. It's so funny to me when I see other children her age (or younger) with a mouth full of teeth!

Lily learned a new word about 2 weeks before her birthday. She started saying "Dada" and that's pretty much all we heard from then on. I like to joke that she finally learned the name of her very favorite person. That girl is still all about her daddy! "Dada" makes the fourth word in her sweet little vocabulary (along with uh-oh, Mama, and hi).

This month has been a big month for learning new things. Lily surprises me almost daily with things that I didn't know she knew. When I ask her if I can kiss her toes, she picks up her foot and puts it to my mouth. The other day I asked her where her hair was and she patted her head, and we did the same little game with her ear. I had no idea she could do that! I know it's not rocket science, but it's fun to watch her grow in her comprehension and other skills. This week we've been working on eating with a spoon -- what a mess! :)

Speaking of growing, at her one-year checkup today Lily weighed 21 pounds and was 30 inches long. She has gotten quite tall in the past couple of weeks and a few people have been commenting on it when we're out and about.

I know this has been a rather long post, but thanks for indulging me tonight and this entire year as I've written about Lily's growth and development. It's been quite a departure from my regular blogging but, frankly, it's been a welcome change for me. I've done a lot of healing this year, and we continue to be humbled and absolutely in awe of the fact that we have a child to raise, love, and hold here on earth. Thank you for celebrating her with us, dear friends.

Bullet Points

It's the kind of night when this type of post is just necessary. So here it is -- my life in bullet points:

The Bad:

• I've been a terrible, terrible blogger.
  
• We've had a very yucky week at our house that all started with a virus my dear husband brought home. He was sick for several days (sore throat, stuffy nose kind of stuff) and then my sweet Lily got sick. We took her to the doctor on Wednesday after she ran fever the night before and it became obvious that she was really not feeling well. Her fever is gone and now we are dealing with some tummy issues, but she's on the mend.
  
• Unfortunately, the evil virus has now landed on me. I feel awful!

The Good:

• Earlier this month we went home to Louisiana to celebrate my wonderful mom's 60th birthday. It was such a great weekend with family but, as weekends go, it was over much too soon.
  
• Despite the excessive heat and drought conditions, this week we noticed that Lily's tree has finally bloomed! How happy we were to see those sweet pink blossoms on her crape myrtle.
• There is a box of birthday decorations in my closet in the theme of The Very Hungry Caterpillar, waiting to be used next month for Lily's big First Birthday. Unbelievable!
• Last Sunday we visited the big church down the road from our house. We haven't really been visiting places regularly in our search for a new church home, so we decided to just go someplace close and try it out. We aren't really accustomed to large churches, but the advantage was that they have a pretty awesome program in place for children. We had called ahead and were given a tour of the preschool area before the service started. After the tour I felt comfortable (security-wise, etc.) about leaving Lily in the church nursery for the very first time, but I took it much harder than I ever expected. Fortunately she was PERFECT and never cried a single tear, which is more than I can say for her mommy! The nursery workers were so kind: two of them had gone to check on Lily for us during the service -- one came to find us before we picked her up, and the other had left a note in her diaper bag -- both gushing about how wonderful she had been. I was so proud of my big girl! It felt good to go to church again, and although I don't know if this is "the one" for us, we like knowing that we can visit there again as we continue our search.

What's really on my heart:

• Please pray with me for a sweet little four-month-old who is fighting for his life. I don't personally know this baby, but he is the nephew of some friends of mine back home. I am completely heartbroken over his situation and ask you to lift up little Declan and his family to the Lord. You can follow this facebook link for more info: Friends and Family of baby Declan Jace and this link if you wish to help with a donation.
  

I hope all of my bloggy buddies are doing well. I've been trying to stay in touch with you guys, little by little. I'm still here, still reading, and still praying for you, friends.

A Moment to Be Thankful For

Today my grandmother, my mother's mother, passed away.

It was only a few years ago that my husband and I had six of our grandparents still with us. We had my two grandmothers (both of my grandfathers died when I was in high school), and my husband was fortunate to have all four of his grandparents still living and in relatively good health. We knew that we were fortunate, as we were nearing our 30s and had many friends whose grandparents had already passed on.

As our childless years began to stack up with no end in sight, I used to spend a lot of time worrying about having a child before we lost those precious members of our family. I used to see those prized "four generation" and even FIVE generation pictures and, as each year went by with no baby, it would weigh more heavily on my heart.

To put it plainly: I love old people. I just do. I love their memories and histories and stories. I like to visit with the elderly and just listen to them speak. And after I became interested in genealogy several years back, I really began to treasure the times when I could call or sit and talk with an elderly relative of mine or my husband's. I listened raptly, soaking up every word like a sponge and usually taking notes so I wouldn't forget a thing. I pored over old documents and photos, spending hours researching on the internet and visiting cemeteries all across Louisiana. I began to wonder if I'd ever have the opportunity to pass it all down to my own descendants, but it became an extremely interesting and satisfying hobby for me and it was a great way to fill up my time while we waited and hoped for a child of our own.

In a funny way, too, researching my family history brought me closer to having better relationships with my grandmothers (particularly my dad's mom, who will turn 94 next month). At the very least, it helped me to know and understand them a bit better while I had the chance.

As time went on and our dear grandparents' health began to decline, I realized that I needed to let go of my dream of seeing our children in their aged arms. They had lived full lives, and while we weren't ready to say goodbye (and never would be), if it was time for the Lord to call them home then it was time, regardless of whether or not I had a child. Of course, it was never about me in the first place. I needed to just be grateful for the time I'd had with them and record and cherish their stories for me. Because I wanted to know. If I would be able to one day pass them down to another generation, whether through my own children or those of our siblings, then that would be a bonus.

We lost my husband's paternal grandfather and grandmother in 2007 and 2008, respectively. In 2009, his maternal grandfather went home to be with the Lord.

Lily was born in 2010, and we made it a priority for her to meet our remaining grandmothers (my two and his one) as soon as possible. Lily had met all three by the time she was five months old, and it brought me so much joy each time. It was a culmination for me, and I know it was for these three women too, as they had also spent the past decade praying for this child of ours that we were finally able to see and touch and hold.

At long last, I was able to take pictures of my daughter with her great grandmothers. It was indeed another "longing fulfilled" moment for me.

And while I still can't say I was ever extremely close to my maternal grandmother, that is something I will always be grateful for. At the funeral on Wednesday I will be sad for our family's loss, particularly for my mom as she buries her mother. But I'll also whisper a quiet prayer of thanks to the Lord for moments like these that I'll remember forever.

Lily with my mom's mom, taken on New Year's Eve 2010/11, six months before she died:


Lily with my dad's mom, age 93, taken in February 2011:


Lily with my husband's maternal grandmother, age 84, taken in February 2011:


And again in June 2011:

Celebrating Father's Day

For the first time in my life I got excited about Father’s Day this year. I ordered a special gift weeks in advance and had a hard time keeping quiet about it. I couldn’t wait until the day arrived!

I don’t recall ever spending a Father’s Day with my own dad. It’s possible that I did before the age of seven (when my parents divorced), but I’m pretty sure I never have since. I usually send a card, which I’m never quite sure he receives, and almost always talk to him on the phone on that day for a few minutes. I’m not incredibly close to my dad, but of course I do love him. He’s not perfect, but he is my dad.

My husband’s not perfect either, and I know that as parents we will make mistakes. But, with that being said, he IS pretty amazing! I’ve had a lot of years married to this man to speculate about what kind of daddy he might be if ever given the chance. I knew he’d be great, and it does my heart a world of good to see his relationship with our daughter. It does make me mindful of something I’ve missed out on for 34 years, and it makes me sad for the little girl I was. My daughter, thankfully, has a dad who is sweet, gentle, thoughtful, kind, and loads of fun, and above all, loves the Lord and is completely devoted to his family.

I’ll never have to explain to my daughter why her daddy is never home to spend time with her. It won’t be necessary to explain that alcohol makes her dad do and say things that he shouldn’t. I won’t have to fill the void that has been left in her heart because he abandoned her. I’ll never wipe away tears because she felt like her daddy didn’t care about her or didn’t love her. And by God’s amazing grace, I won’t need to raise her on my own and try to explain to her at the tender age of seven that her daddy is leaving us because he has a new family.

Unlike her mommy, my little girl will spend every day of her life knowing that there is a man who considers her his precious, treasured gift from God. He’ll know her favorite color and which foods she doesn’t like to eat. He’ll know which is her favorite bedtime story, and he’ll never, ever forget her birthday. She is the apple of his eye, and she will always know it. She will go to sleep each night knowing that her mommy and daddy love each other, love her, and will be there for her for as long as we live.

I am beyond grateful this Father’s Day that my daughter has what I didn’t. I’m thrilled that we have a wonderful guy in our lives and that we get to celebrate him on this day and every day. I plan to make sure year after year that Lily Rae knows how incredibly fortunate she is to have the daddy that she does. But I have a feeling she’ll already know.

First Easter

Mommy and Lily - Easter 2011

We had a wonderful first Easter with Lily this year!

The three of us went to Louisiana to stay with my mom for the weekend (and Lily and I stayed all week). We all attended Easter services at my sister's church, where her father-in-law is the pastor. It felt really good to be back in church again. You may recall that the small mission church where we had been serving for the past 8 years closed just about a month before Lily was born, and we have not yet looked for a new church home. We were happy to be able to take Lily to church for the first time on Resurrection Sunday! My family occupied an entire pew that morning, and it was so good to be there and worship together.

Showing off her Easter outfit :)

I truly had no idea how Lily would do during the service. I was fully prepared to spend at least part (if not all) of it out in the foyer with her, but she surprised me by sitting quietly in my sister's lap the entire time! She enjoyed the music and played with a toy during the message and we never heard a peep out of her. She hammed it up a bit toward the end for the folks sitting behind us, too, making sweet eyes and cute faces at them. I was so proud of my little Easter Lily! We were just delighted that she did so well, and while I'm sure it probably won't go that perfectly every time, it encouraged me about starting our quest soon to find a new church where we live.

Of course, Lily got some Easter baskets filled with goodies: board books, teethers, and small stuffed animals that are perfect for her right now.


We were happy to share little Easter surprises with our sweet nephews, too. I'm so glad I could be there to spend lots of time with them during their Spring Break. My 8-year-old nephew lost his two front teeth just before we arrived, and boy was I happy that it happened before I got there. Pulling teeth has always, always given me the creeps!

A trip home to Louisiana wouldn't be complete without awesome food, and we had plenty of it! I ate rice and gravy to my heart's content, and Lily was happy as a clam because someone was always available to hold her and play with her. It was lots of fun being there to celebrate and go out to eat for my sister's birthday, too.

I finally got my long hair chopped off later in the week as well. My last haircut was about 8 months ago, so you can imagine how good it felt! It was also a treat to be able to watch the Royal Wedding with my mom. We got up and watched it together in the wee hours of the morning, oohing and ahhing over every little detail. Did you guys watch and enjoy it as much as we did?

Lily and I had a lovely week away, but we sure did miss Daddy! He came back to get us the following weekend and I know he was happy to have his baby girl back home.

Where The Heart Is

In my last post I mentioned that I've been struggling with the idea of "home" lately. I thought I'd go into some more detail here in hopes that it might be cathartic in a way.

I'll start by saying that I like where we live. My husband truly enjoys his job as a software engineer at NASA. The job is what brought us here, and it has been a rewarding job for him for the past ten years. I knew it would be hard to leave Louisiana, but the opportunity was there and we both agreed that it was the right time for us to make that move back in 2001. We'd been married for three years and I think we were ready to feel that we were truly "on our own." Moving away meant leaving his hometown, and the town that had been my new home since starting college six years earlier. His parents lived there and we had a great network of friends as well. Leaving was very hard but it was the right thing to do for us. This became even more clear when the next chapter of our lives began -- trying to have a baby. Living near Houston opened up a lot of opportunities to find a doctor who could help us. It took us a while to do that, but we've been very glad that we had those resources available.

There have been lots of great things about living here, not to mention that we are only a little more than two hours' drive from my family. I know that fact may make it seem silly that I often bellyache about being homesick. But the fact is that, even after ten years, Texas still doesn't feel like home. My heart is back home in Louisiana.

If you know Louisiana, then you know that it's a place all its own. No, I don't mean New Orleans, although it's certainly unique! Contrary to popular belief, the whole of Louisiana can't be summed up by experiencing only New Orleans. As close as we are here in this neighboring state, the way of life is really quite different. I use expressions here all the time that make my friends ask what on earth I'm talking about. I talk of food that they've never eaten, much less heard of. It's a culture and a cuisine that can't be re-created anywhere. That place will always be home to me, no matter where I live.

We have made a great home here, though. We bought our house in 2002 after a year of apartment living. It's a modest three-bedroom house that has been just the right size for our small family. I love our home. As a homemaker I spend lots of time here. I like the paint colors we chose and the way that we've decorated it with things that we love. We've made lots of good memories here, although this house also holds the memories of our six miscarried children. Those are tough memories, but also ones that I don't wish to forget entirely. The back yard is home to the tree we planted for them (well, we planted it for our first baby, but it has come to represent all six for us over the years). I know that it will be hard to leave this place someday. I'm sure that future residents here won't give that tree a second thought.

So, I'm torn. I like our home here, but lately I feel so disconnected. I think it all began to snowball about a month before Lily was born. You see, I've been a stay-at-home wife (and finally now, mom) for the past decade. I don't have a very large social group here. The majority of my local friends have come from church. My church family are the only people that I see on a regular, weekly basis. About five months ago, though, the small mission church (or church plant) that we'd been attending for the past eight years abruptly closed its doors.

We'd been members there through thick and thin, since its very first meeting. In the early years we met in a school before renting our own building. Numbers had been dwindling and finances were tough for the past couple of years, and we were back to meeting in a temporary location and trying to figure out what to do next. My husband and I personally weren't sure at that point of the future of that church or whether God was leading us to look for a new church home. The end came suddenly, though, and it left us feeling pretty unsettled. Of course we have stayed in touch with a few very dear friends whom we treasure, but we miss that scheduled weekly time of worshiping together.

I think the combination of losing our church home right before having a baby has been even tougher than I first imagined. It's so hard for me to think of visiting churches with a small baby. She's sort of on a schedule now, but it would be difficult to keep her with us during a service and even more difficult for me to leave her with total strangers in a different nursery week after week. There are lots of aspects to this that I could go into, but I'll just say that I don't feel up for it yet. I know from experience that church hunting is not an easy thing to do. And it intimidates me even more to think of doing it with a baby.

On top of all that, I think that having a baby in general has made me think more and more about home. I want my little Texan to grow up knowing as much as she can about her Louisiana heritage. It is a long and rich (in tradition, not in wealth) heritage that I've researched and can trace back at least seven generations on my side of the family alone, not to mention my husband's. And although I know we are just over two hours away, sometimes I really do wish that Lily could just hop on over to her Granny's house for a visit. There are times when two and a half hours seems like so far away.

My heart is there, but it's also here. It's here because "home" is where my husband and daughter are. Within the walls of our house, I feel perfectly happy and secure and at peace. But when I think about getting out there and finding a new church family, and especially down the road when we must start looking at schools for Lily, it feels so foreign and unsettling. It's hard to imagine our future here, but I know that moving back would never be exactly the same as it used to be.

It feels that somehow, at the same time, I have two homes and yet no home. Does that make sense? My heart is in two places: here and there. But staying here means starting over, just like returning there would also be starting over. Like I mentioned in the last post, we have no plans to move. It's just something we think about, especially now that we have a child.

And after all of that, I realize that houses aren't really what make up a home. People do and families do; I know that. Sometimes I wonder if I'm simply chasing some elusive feeling of what home is or used to be.

(I'm not even sure if these thoughts of mine have translated well into a blog post, but there you have it. Thanks for sticking with it if you've read this far!)

Showers of Blessing

Since I last wrote a blog post we had our fourth and final baby shower, had some maternity pictures taken, and I'm now quickly approaching 35 weeks. Although the proof is all around us, I still find it completely amazing that I will soon be nine months pregnant.

Our baby girl has been growing quite a bit over these last couple of weeks. I've noticed a huge change in the size of my belly even though I gained only one pound in the two weeks between my last OB visits. At yesterday's appointment, the doctor said the baby is a good size and her heartbeat is still sounding great. My blood pressure remains in the normal range and I couldn't be more grateful that this pregnancy has gone so smoothly. I think even when I would let myself imagine what it would be like to finally carry a baby for this long, I never dreamed it would be possible for me to experience a largely stress-free (at least for the last two trimesters) pregnancy after all we'd been through up to this point. Thank you, Lord!

My next appointment will be in two weeks and from there I'll begin seeing the doctor every week. Believe it or not, that means only THREE more OB visits until baby time! Unbelievable.

I will share some of our favorites from the maternity pics in the next post, but today I have a few from the last baby shower. This one was our local shower with mostly church friends, a few family members, and a few Louisiana friends who now also live in Texas. My precious friend Meagan did a fantastic job putting all of it together! It was beautiful and it was another very special day of celebration for our little Lily girl that will be in my heart forever.
Here are some photos from the day, August 7. (I was 33 weeks.)

Sweet, sweet little birdie cake!

Food and decorations. (We got to keep all of the adorable outfits that were hanging all around the room!)

Me with shower hostess and wonderful friend, Meagan.

Chuck and me :)

With my dear friends/family from home. That's me in the middle and my sister next to me with the dark hair. The two friends on either end are two of my oldest and dearest friends all the way since grade school. The lovely lady in the multi-colored blouse is a teacher/friend from my high school. It was so sweet to have them all there!

Each and every baby shower we've had the honor of having has been so precious to me. I can hardly find the words to say how much they have all meant to us and were more than we could have hoped for. Thank you to our friends and family for celebrating this miracle with us and praying us through to this point. We love you!

Busy, Busy, Busy

Hello friends! Since I have so many different updates for this week, I thought I'd give them to you in bullet points so I can keep them all nice and orderly. Can you tell I like lists? :)
Here goes!

• First, we had a great week with our oldest nephew, A, last week! At nine years old he is getting so big and far more independent. On his first night here he declared that he would be fine sleeping by himself in the guest room. His younger brother preferred to sleep in our bedroom in a sleeping bag the week before. I have to admit I was a little sad, but each night he did ask me to lie down with him until he was asleep! He is still my little cuddle-bug, thankfully. We are so happy that we were able to spend time with both of them individually this summer before we have a brand new baby in the house. It was a real treat for this aunt and uncle.
  



• This week I've been working very hard to get caught up with writing thank-you notes. I'm completely caught up, which is such a good feeling! I'm guessing I've written over a hundred already. My goal was to get them done before we have our fourth and final shower coming up next weekend and then I'll start all over again. This one will be local with many of our friends from church and some family. I'm looking forward to it! We are so, so thankful for the generosity and support.
  



• My mom is finally doing better after her back surgery two weeks ago. She did have some setbacks and had to stay in the hospital for much longer than expected. The surgery went well and her back is feeling great, but she continued to have severe pain in her leg. My mom is very, very tough, so we knew that it must be hurting her terribly. We were afraid she would have to have a second surgery, but they eventually diagnosed her with bursitis in her hip and continued to treat it with pain medication and cortizone injections. She was finally able to take walks up and down the hallway and practice building up some strength in her legs. She has been home from the hospital for two days now and is doing pretty well. She still has lots of healing and resting to do, which I know is a challenge for her since she stays so busy. She may still require another procedure in the future but for now we are just waiting. Thanks for the prayers for her! Please continue to pray for her recovery, and especially that she will be okay to come visit baby Lily in mid-September!



• Over the past couple of weeks Chuck and I have been gradually working on the nursery and I'm so happy to say that it is almost finished! I hope to get some pictures posted here to share with you in the next week or so. Just a few days ago we worked on hanging things on the walls, and even now while I write this I have the washer and dryer going with loads of her 6-9 month clothes. I'd already cut tags off of and laundered most of her 0-6 month things and they are nestled sweetly in drawers in her room. Doing all of this brings me so much joy as I think about how much closer we are to finally bringing a baby home. Sometimes I go in her room and look around just to take it all in and thank the Lord for answering this prayer.



• We have about 7 more weeks to go (just about 50 more days!) until Lily's arrival. We are still counting down to the goal of a scheduled C-section at 39 weeks. At my last OB appointment things were still going well. My blood pressure was nice and low and the baby seemed to be measuring on target. So far I've gained a little more than 30 pounds total with the pregnancy. I actually feel pretty good about that number and am not at all embarrassed to share it with you. Hopefully it will make some of you feel better if, like me, you grow tired of reading about people who gain all of 2 pounds in 40 weeks! :) I'm also covered in stretch marks and I don't mind one bit.
  



• Besides getting Lily's clothes washed and her room ready, the times I've been enjoying most this week especially are late at night when she gets very active. I've been having trouble sleeping lately (not necessarily because she's active but because it's getting hard to get comfortable in the bed) and I'm realizing how much I thoroughly enjoy those quiet moments with my sweet little girl. Feeling her kick and watching her roll around in my belly are things that I will greatly miss about this stage of pregnancy. Not to sound pessimistic at all, but I have no idea whether this will be my only opportunity to experience this. I don't want to take a single moment for granted.

As I'm sure you can imagine, spending two weeks with our nephews, checking up on my mom, working on the nursery, and other regular chores around the house have kept us very busy this month! It has gone by so quickly and now the calendar is mostly empty while we wait for September. I have so much reading to do to get caught up with you and your blogs! I have browsed through my feedreader and kept up with most things, but I'm looking forward to really getting back in touch in the next few days. Hoping you are all doing well. I haven't forgotten to keep you in my prayers!
Thanks for reading.

Happy Days

First I want to thank you so very much for the precious and supportive comments on my last post. It means a great deal to me that so many of you care and continue to follow our journey and take the time to encourage me with your words. Thank you!

We have had another very busy and very full couple of weeks, but I'm grateful for every moment. Last weekend we had our third baby shower, near my hometown this time, hosted by my sister and held at her church. We celebrated sweet Lily with cake, food, and gifts galore!

(Me at 29 weeks, with the adorable cake)

(With my lovely sister and mother)

I was so touched to have so many wonderful people there with me. My husband attended this one and was our official photographer for the day. My sister and mom were there, of course, as well as members from both my mom and dad's side of the family. My dad and his wife came by for a little while before the shower began. It is always a bit tricky to have events like this when you come from divorced parents, but thank the Lord it went really well. Two of my older half-siblings also came with their families, along with my mom's sister, my dad's sister and my 92-year-old grandmother. Chuck's sister, grandmother, and aunt were also with us that day.

(My husband and me with our sweet grandmothers)

There were so many friends surrounding us and it meant so much to us! Four of my classmates from grade school were there and another dear school friend was there with her sweet daughter who is practically grown now. I could go on and on about how I felt seeing the joy on the faces of our family and friends over this miracle! As hard as it used to be to imagine attending my own baby showers, I have to say they have been such memorable days for me. Just as I hoped and imagined, I'm able to look around the room and thank the Lord for putting people in our lives who truly love us, care about us, and pray for us. It's hard to find words to express how that makes me feel.

I was touched to have several old friends there to share the day with, but I also had a very special guest whose presence made me cry tears of joy. There, at my baby shower, I was able to meet a precious blog friend face to face for the first time! This was my third time to be able to meet a fellow blogger in person and it is always an incredible experience. Crystal and I made the connection quite a while ago that we were from the same general area, and I was delighted that she came to share this day with us. You see, Crystal is also expecting her miracle baby, due just three months after my Lily! Oh how I've prayed for her throughout her struggle (just as I still do for so many of you) and it was such a huge blessing to be able to share hugs, tears, and smiles on that day.


Thank you so much, friend, for giving me this beautiful memory! I can't wait to tell my daughter about it someday. The gifts you brought were so precious and I know they were from the heart!

We once again returned home with a car-full of wonderful, generous gifts from dear friends and family. My sister, her friends, and my mom did a great job of making the day so special for us.

We've had our sweet nephew, N, here with us for the week and we have had such a great time spending one-on-one time with him! We made this plan several months back so we could spend some extra time with my sister's boys before the baby arrives. They usually come together, but this year they were both so excited about coming one at a time. So we've had a 7-year-old with us all week and we are sad to have to take him back home this weekend, but his older brother will be here with us next week! I know I don't have to tell you how much we love spending time with our boys. :)

Finally, can I just tell you what a remarkable uncle my dear husband is? He has come home from work every single day this week excited and ready to spend some fun time with N. They went bowling, played at the arcade, and spent an afternoon at a water park. The three of us also went to the movies, played games, and got in lots of cuddle time with movie nights at home. Even as I write this from the living room couch, they are curled up in our bed watching The Lion King together. (Actually, I just peeked in and they are both asleep!)
My husband loves it. And he will do it all over again when N's brother comes to stay with us next week! I love watching him with my sister's kids, and my heart overflows when I imagine how wonderful he will be with his daughter.

One of the last things they did together before we take N home tomorrow was put Lily's crib together. N loves to help build things, so it was the perfect project for them! We got the rest of the furniture in this week as well and her room is beginning to take shape. We don't yet have the crib mattress and the walls are not decorated, but I will post pics of the nursery in the coming weeks when it is done.

I can't believe that tonight I will go to sleep in my house while the room down the hall has a baby bed in it. Thank you, Lord. My heart is full!

One final word: please keep my sweet mom in your prayers. She had back surgery (which lasted a whopping seven hours) this week and is still recovering in the hospital. I know she would greatly appreciate your prayers right now! We will see her this weekend.

FULL

It has been a very busy week around here and I have lots of updates to get to. I've been feeling very full lately, which is quite a change after so many years of feeling so empty. It's hard to believe that after six and a half months I still sometimes feel like this is not really happening, that I can't really have a baby growing inside. But somehow, against all odds, that's where we are and my heart is full.

Last weekend was our first baby shower. This one was scheduled first because it was in my husband's hometown (the town where we both went to college, got married, and lived for a few years before moving to Texas), which is a six-hour drive from our home. We know we won't be traveling that far again, so the time was right. It was such a sweet day. The shower was held in the home of a dear friend of mine who went through quite a few years of infertility way back when I had no idea about such things. She's not that much older than I am, but her years of infertility came before we had started trying to have children and it seems like so long ago to me now. She now has two daughters and a son after her years of waiting and battling severe endometriosis. Having the shower in her beautiful home was special to me because of that and because of what a great friend she is.

Three more dear friends of mine were also hostesses that day, and they did such a great job of decorating and preparing the wonderful food! I was delighted to have both of my sisters-in-law in town for the occasion as well. We had just over 30 people in attendance and I truly felt overwhelmed with joy at the love and generosity. A few of the people there were church friends who were around for our wedding shower 12 years ago. There were some friends there that day that we hadn't seen in many years and had been dearly missed. Above all, I felt surrounded by people who had spent years praying us through so much heartache before finally getting to this point of celebration. That made the day so special to me!

Oh, and yes, our car was absolutely FULL for the six-hour ride home because of their generosity! We were given plenty of wonderful things for Lily. Boy, do people like to buy clothes for baby girls! :) I loved it, though, and each and every gift I opened made my heart sing. I imagined her in those sweet little dresses. I imagined her in that car seat. I imagined her in her high chair for family meals. And I even imagined changing diapers, all with so much joy and gratitude for the opportunity to be in this position.

When I looked around the room I saw a few precious faces of women that I know have walked this road in some way. There were at least two who have faced infertility and at least four more who have babies in heaven. This was not lost on me for one second. I attempted to express my thanks to everyone there when it was over, but of course it came out as a jumbled, tearful mess. I hope that my message came through, though, and that everyone there knew what this means to me. Not just the gifts and not just their attendance that day, but the years and years of support and prayers that have gotten us here.

I don't have all of the pictures yet from that day (they are on a few different cameras) but I can share a couple. I may have more for next week, along with some from our second shower which is coming up on Friday of this week, hosted by my husband's co-workers.





Here is a pic of Lily's room (obviously still set up as a guest room) after we got home with all of her stuff. You can see why my heart is so very full!


Here is a closeup of that adorable wreath that was made by the shower host. I couldn't wait to get home and hang it on the door!


Also, last week I had a visit from a dear friend of mine who brought the most precious gifts, including this gorgeous canvas that she painted for Lily's room. We both cried when I opened it! Talk about my heart overflowing... I was so touched. I will treasure it and I can't wait to hang it in her room as a sweet reminder: "I prayed for this child and the Lord granted what I asked of Him." Thanks, GG!


One more update: I went to my OB appointment on Monday and everything is still looking good. My weight really jumped up there this time, as I'm sure you can tell from these recent pics, but the doc says she thinks I'm at a good weight for this stage. (Whew!) I will go again in 3 weeks because it will be time for my glucose screening, and after that it will be time to start going every 2 weeks! I can't believe it.