BLOGGER TEMPLATES AND TWITTER BACKGROUNDS »

Monday, July 6, 2009

Remembering

Some days are the kind that hold special meaning. We always remember birthdays and anniversaries, and some may remember the date that they bought their first home or first car. No one could forget the day that their first child was born (although this a date I can only imagine, and even imagining it gets harder to do with each passing year).

July 6 is a day that sticks out in my memory. It was the day, 7 years ago, that I lost a big part of my innocence about life. It was my first trip to the ER, my first time hooked up to an IV, my first miscarriage of my first baby, and the first time my heart was ever truly broken.

We found out we were pregnant for the first time on May 6, 2002. We'd had our suspicions all weekend long while we were out of town visiting family, so the following Monday I was so happy to have a positive home pregnancy test. Chuck was home from work that day with a terrible cold, and I remember carrying the test into the living room of our apartment to show him. We were so happy (and so oblivious). We had been living in an apartment in Texas for exactly one year, and were just beginning to look for a house. We shared our pregnancy news with most of our immediate family in the weeks that followed. We told my mom in person, on Mother's Day. We told my in-laws when the family was all together for my brother-in-law's graduation with his Master's Degree. We shared the happy news with a few close friends as well.

My first doctor's appointment went well, but the first ultrasound on May 22 was not great. Everyone reassured us that the dates were off and that it might be too early. We were worried, but we had good blood test results and we scheduled a second ultrasound for May 29. You can imagine how relieved we were to see our baby's heartbeat! It was the most beautiful sight and we finally allowed ourselves to relax. Things were going to work out after all, or so it seemed.

We spent the next few weeks searching for a house that would be perfect for our young family. Although we looked at 3 or 4 houses, we kept going back to the very first one we saw. With 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, it was just right. I already knew which room would be the nursery. Two days before we closed on the house, on June 26, I started noticing some spotting that made me nervous. We called the nurse and she said it was probably okay. We went ahead and closed on the house and waited through the weekend, but it did not clear up. We saw our doctor, who did an exam where everything looked fine, but to be sure she sent us to the hospital for an ultrasound. The technician told us that the baby did not look big enough for 11 weeks, and we returned to our doctor's office in tears. After she told us to expect a miscarriage, I remember she let us leave through the back door because we were so upset. (Sometimes I wonder if this was done for us or for the pregnant women in the waiting room.) We went home to our apartment utterly devastated. We spent the 4th of July holiday trying to stay busy in the house while we waited for something to happen. I had opted not to have a D&C, so we knew it might be several days. My sister and her husband came to stay the weekend. The guys worked on painting the house while my sister and I tried to pass the time. My oldest nephew was just a toddler then, and his little brother was still "in the oven." My sister and I were due about a month apart.

By the night of July 5, I knew that the miscarriage would be happening soon. I went to bed around 11, but woke up at 1 am in severe pain. I endured as best as I could through the pain and heavy bleeding until I couldn't do it any longer, and we made a mad dash to the emergency room around 4 am. Just a few minutes after they wheeled me back, I knew that it was over. The ER doctor confirmed that it looked like I had passed "everything." That was the morning of July 6, and I spent the whole day in the hospital receiving fluids and resting. It was a day that changed my life forever.

I remember all of these details because I wrote them down in a journal two days after it happened. Although I could never forget it, I try not to think about it very often and I talk about it even less often. I wrote in that journal that I didn't see how we could ever emotionally or physically handle another miscarriage. I didn't know that there would be 5 more at least.

The fact is that July is my double-whammy month. Our two most promising pregnancies ended in July (the other was our fourth one, July 22, 2005). They are the only two that looked good enough for the doctor to send us home with those treasured ultrasound images.

Remembering is a hard thing to do. I want to remember those 11 weeks that I had another life inside. I want to remember how happy we were and how we thought things would be so simple and wonderful. I want to remember the looks on the faces of our loved ones when we told them the good news. I want to imagine that we didn't have to call them a few months later to tell them that it was now bad news. I do remember the good moments we had, but I can't help but remember the pain, the hurt, and the grief that still feels very fresh 7 years later. It really never does entirely go away. I miss that baby and I still want that baby, and I feel that way about each one that we have lost since.

Today, I remember.

33 comments:

Kathryn said...

Hesitate to comment, because anything i say may sound trite. Know that i understand a little bit & am praying for you.

Today i was in a store & saw a grammy with a little girl about 3. Our baby was due 26 May 2006, we lost "her" 16 October 2005. As i watched her, i wondered if i'll ever be able to look at a child & not calculate in my head if he/she is older or younger than our Kaylee would be. I still want that baby. Sometimes i can't help but wonder when God will realize he made a "mistake" & give her to us.

I can't say anything to "make it better" for you. I so wish i could. But i'm sending you love & hugs & prayers. :) May God soon lead you out of this valley, tho i know it will always have its shadow on you.

twondra said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm soooo sorry. That movie sounds better and better.....I wish I was there to give you a huge hug. I love you and I'm always here for you. I can imagine this was hard to put into words. (((HUGS)))

onemorebaby said...

I am so so sorry. This road is so unbelievably hard and painful for many of us. It is not a comfort to say that you are not alone, for none of us would want another person to go through this. I posted a poem just today on my site that may give you some comfort. Click on my name (I thik) to take you there. Hugs and love, onemorebaby.

Tanner's said...

And today Stacey I will stop and remember with you my sweet friend. Praying for you so often and wishing I was there,
love you,

prayerfuljourney said...

I am praying for you and your DH, Stacey. I could never imagine the pain. I hope you never have to endure another M/C again. Thank you for sharing your story and your pain with us. Those women who can get pregnant, stay pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby should feel so blessed ( I always remind my fertile friends with children)! Life is precious and not a moment of it should ever be taken for granted. God Bless you!

Sunny said...

Understanding with you today exactly the devastation you are feeling...hugs.

Connie said...

Remembering too...always...

Hope in Virginia said...

What a heartbreaking road you and your husband have traveled. I pray that that road is ultimately leading to right where you need to be. Hugs and prayers your way!

Life In Mazes said...

Sending you many prayers today. I agree with Prayerfuljourney and I hope you NEVER have to experience another miscarriage!
God is so close to you right now! Feel His presence and find comfort in his embrace! Hugs to you!

gg said...

love ya!

twondra said...

I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and I love you. Thanks for making today so much easier for me. I wish I could've done more to help you....you're the best!! You mean so much to me. (((HUGS)))

TRS said...

I'm so sorry.
You are brave and strong. I'm sure you don't care to hear that... but bottom line - you are incredible!

sharonvw said...

Oh Stacey!!! (((hugs))) another shitty thing we share in common, this time of year is painful for me too, 5th July should have been my 6th babies 2nd birthday!
This sux hairballs!!!
Thinking of you!!!

twondra said...

I mentioned you on my blog today...hope that was okay! Love ya!

Rebecca said...

Remembering with you. I am so sorry for your losses.

A said...

I can't seem to find the right words, but I will pray for you and your husband. Your post was so beautiful, and I know all of your children are looking on you with love from God's side.

Jesus, My Best Friend said...

Praying for you.

Jenn said...

I know sharing that was hard. It took a lot of courage to do so. I have no idea whatsoever the pain you and Chuck are going through. And although your babies will never be forgotten or replaced, oh the more love you will have for that baby(s)when he/she is born!

Andi said...

I read this last night as I was going to bed and had no idea what to say so I just went to bed thinking of you and Chuck and praying for you.

Amy said...

Wow, Stacey. This was such a hard post to read. I'm sure many of your readers have been through similar hurts and we can relate. Every pregnancy is such a mixture of emotions when you have experienced such awful loss. Especially when you see a heartbeat. There are so many dates that people don't realize go along with pregnancy loss...the date you found out you were pregnant, your ultrasounds, your miscarriage date, and the due date that came and went. The remembering hurts.
Just know that I ache with you...we love you so much and pray that you will not have to go through this again.

Eileen said...

I have only been through two miscarriages, so I cannot begin to know your pain. But the due dates and the loss dates will forever burned into my mind. Tomorrow would have been my due date with my first. I had always hoped I would be pregnant again before this date came to pass, but unfortunately it was not to be. Sending you hugs on this difficult day.

iamstacey said...

I'm so, so sorry. {{{{hugs}}}}

Becky said...

I was just bawling as I read this post - I can relate to so much of what you said. Sometimes I feel haunted by the memory of my own trip to the ER. There is just no way to erase those memories.

You have been on my mind a lot lately since I knew that July was an especially difficult month for you. I am remembering with you. I am praying for you and will be throughout this month. Love and hugs.

Alicia said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us. My heart aches for you and your husband. You both are amazing people.

Andrea said...

*HUG* Although I know our miscarriages were very different since mine was only at 5 and a half weeks and I didn't have to go to the ER, I can't help but feel like they were also so similar because of the house situation. One of the hardest things about remembering my miscarriage is associating it with buying our house. Mine happened a week after we closed and a few days after we moved in. It took me months to unpack and I'm just now getting to the point where I'm actually liking the house again. It breaks my heart to hear stories that are similar to mine in that way.

I'm glad you wrote this post sharing your story and remembering your babies. They are all special no matter how much time you were able to have with them.

beth ewing said...

wow girl. i've only had one miscarriage but i can relate to so much of this. we bought out house when i was expecting also and then i miscarried two days after we closed on our house. i couldn't open the door to the "nursery" for months. i'm just now able to go in there. i can relate to what kathryn wrote too. i worry for the rest of my life i'll look at a child and remember that my baby should have been that age. i cannot imagine all that you have been through...but i pray this is the end of it.

Stacy said...

Thank you for sharing this Stacey. I know it must have been difficult for you to write out the details of your loss. It brings me right back to my own hospital experiences. Remembering is SO hard to do but I believe it is part of the healing process. Tomorrow is when I miscarried our first baby 3 years ago. You are so right - the pain and devastation doesn't go away and it feels just like yesterday that it happened. It is difficult to remember, but I believe it is a way to honor the short life of our little ones. Walking beside you in understanding all the way from Minnesota....

I Believe in Miracles said...

Praying for you sweetie! Sorry I've been so absent lately.
~~HUGS~~

Anonymous said...

Stacey,

I left SCL to read more about your story. What an excruciating and eloquent post. Thank you for sharing.

Paula

daphne said...

Stacey I am so sorry. I lost my 1st daughter at birth and I have always been convinced I could never endure another loss and survive. I was not sure I would survive the pain the first time around. I remember thinking how impossible it seemed to hurt so bad but still live and breath. I applaud you for using your journey to reach others. But still, I am so sorry you hurt so much. Grace & Peace, daphne

Parenthood For Me said...

It is amazing how innocent most of us are when we decide to start a family. It still seems unbelievable to me all the tough times that we went through to become parents. I was pregnant only once but we always knew i would probably miscarry. I was able to say I was pregnant for about 10 days. I remember thinking about the cells growing in my body and still hoping and praying that a miracle would happen. It was an ectopic pregnancy and needed to be terminated shortly after the fourth of July in 2006. I am so sorry for the pain you experience- the loss is enormous. I hope someday you can remember all of your emotions but in a different way because you will have the family you have longed for.
Best Wishes. Erica

Melissa said...

I am so sorry for your loss, having experienced losing children and not understanding that my hearts desire is to be a Mom but not understanding The reason God would take a baby is hard. Know that I am praying for you. If you are interested...there is a great support group for TTC after a loss and TTC more than 12 months at Conception Obsession--im spawnseek there---and would love to have you come and visit!

Birdie said...

Wow, Stacey, I had never read this before. I can relate to your story. There's something comforting about knowing that you're not the only one....that someone else understands. Thanks so much for sharing.