Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Holiday Blues

The holidays are hard. They're wonderful, yes, but also hard.

I think one of the most difficult times of the year for me is New Year's. Too many times I've felt a new surge of hope and optimism that it will be the year that we'll finally have a baby, only to be disappointed. My birthday is also in late January, during a week that is associated with depression. Some say the most depressing day of the year is the 22nd, some say the 24th. My birthday is the 25th. The last two birthdays have been extremely hard for me, partly because of getting older but mostly because they've been spent recovering from surgery and/or miscarriage.

It seems too early to write a post about the holiday season since it's not yet Halloween. After our trip to NY, my Christmas shopping is now in full swing and Chuck and I have already been talking about travel plans for Thanksgiving. It seems it's not too early after all.

I really do love the holidays, but it feels like a ridiculously long time that we've been waiting and hoping to share them with our children. We want to start traditions with them. We want to see their faces light up for all those special occasions. We want our house to be noisy and full and happy. We're just plain tired of waiting.

Every year I hope it's the last one we have to spend feeling empty and sad, grieving over our losses and wishing things were different.

Here's hoping that next year will be different.


Andrea said...

I'm so sorry :-(

I can't imagine how terrible you must feel because it's bad enough having just one miscarriage. Matt and I are already thinking about going away for Christmas because I'm just not sure how I'll handle it.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers, especially for the next few weeks! Where are you going for Thanksgiving?

Anonymous said...

I know exactly what you mean Stacey. I find it extremely difficult to got Christmas shopping for all my nieces and newphews, its always a reminder of what I don't have and want so badly.

andrea_jennine said...

Have you been inside my head? I've been thinking a lot of similar thoughts. Even though it is still October, I'm just so aware that another year is ending (year 4 of trying for us). I really thought this would be the year that brought resolution to the trial of infertility, somehow - not necessarily a baby or a pregnancy, but a certainty about how we would build our family. Now I feel like we have more questions than we had at the beginning of the year, and we're no closer to having a family. Sigh. I just read in Isaiah 55 about how God's thoughts and ways are higher than ours; I need to trust that more.

And, hey, my birthday in Jan. 26!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I can feel the pain in this post. I'm so sorry.

Kevin and Beth Tanner said...

I am praying for you my sister!

Connie said...

Stace my heart is breaking...I am so sorry. I pray that 2009 is the year that we see that precious little one!

Alicia said...

I can understand. Last weekend I when to a town that has all these cute shops. Most of the stuff was Holiday related.........It just stabbed my heart as a reminder of infertility. Another Christmas with out children. I will pray for you.

Stacey said...

Thanks so much to all of you. You guys are great.

Andrea - I realize maybe that sounded like we're planning a vacation for Thanksgiving. We're going to Louisiana to visit our family. :)