Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Pregnancy and Blogging

Pretty soon it will be a year that we've been trying for pregnancy number seven. I don't know an exact date; I just remember that it was last year in late spring/early summer that we started trying again. My last pregnancy ended in miscarriage back in January of 2007. After a surgery in 2008 we were given approval to try for another pregnancy. I am not by any means complaining about how long a year is. I know that so many of you have tried for much longer than that and I would never want to be insensitive about that.

I have not yet had the experience of blogging during a pregnancy. It crosses my mind sometimes and I wonder how I would handle it. As you know, the beginning stages of pregnancy are not easy times for me. They are fraught with uncertainty and fear. As much as I desire to be very open on this blog, another part of me has become very guarded. Living through even one failed pregnancy where you've had to "take back" the announcement will do that to you. Living through multiple losses tends to steal away the joy of those first few weeks and months of pregnancy. It is absolutely heartbreaking to let the word get out and then have to go back and tell family and friends that it's over. My poor husband has made more of those phone calls than he'd care to recall. The last couple of times we have kept our news mostly to ourselves for as long as we can. I know that not everyone is the same but for us it just became easier. We weren't trying to hide anything. We were protecting ourselves from additional hurt.

Sometimes we hear people criticize that method. They say that it's better to tell all and have people praying for you along the way. While I wholeheartedly believe in the power of prayer, I also know that we have many friends and family members who pray for us constantly! I've had reminders just this week from dear friends who are praying for us. They don't need to know the latest news in order to pray. The Lord knows where we are. Yes, there are times when there is a specific need and God leads us to share with certain people for prayer and support. Those times are important, but I consider all of those prayers spoken on our behalf every day to be equally important. Without them I don't know how I would have made it this far.

It's hard to predict how much I might choose to share right away on this blog if we are able to have another pregnancy. Already it's not a place where I share specific cycle dates or daily numbers. I don't oppose others who do that, but I've never felt that it is the purpose of this particular blog. That is partly because I know myself, and I know that I would too easily obsess about those figures. I write here about loss, trials, and faith, and all of the feelings and experiences that I've had with infertility and miscarriage. That's exactly what I want this blog to be if I make it to the other side of this, but it has been so important for me to write this out in the middle of this trial and not just after it is over! Even if I make it to motherhood I want these words to minister to those who wait, as many blogs have done for me. I'm not the kind of person who can have something like this touch my life for a season and then brush myself off and move on when the trial is over. I believe that our hardships shape and mold us along the way and we always bear the scars of them. Not in a bad way, but just as reminders of where we've been and how we've arrived at the places we are now. After all, scars only form after healing has taken place.

Even if we don't agree about how early to share pregnancy news, I hope that you'll be patient with me. For now, nothing has changed and we still try month after month with hope that our situation could change. I'm still waiting but I know that the Lord is working. I know that He is using this time for His purposes. Even though I don't like it, I'm willing to let Him lead. It's hard and it hurts sometimes. I still grieve every day, but there is joy and there is hope!


Connie said...

I'll never stop praying...

Kathryn said...

I'd never criticize someone else's choices because we all deal with it in different ways.

I've had one miscarriage. We chose, at first, not to tell our family. But when things began to get difficult we chose to tell them so that they could share some of our joy, & if i should lose the baby (which i did) they would only have the grief. It would have been hard for me to keep quiet about losing the baby, but i might have felt i should if they had not known about the pregnancy in the first place.

And i've had 2 pregnancies that failed very early on. I didn't share those because we were waiting for that illusive + test. I did share with a couple of people that we were "hoping" this would be the month, & i greatly regretted it because i had to go back & say, "Nope."

I don't know how i would handle multiple miscarriages as you have. I probably would be similar. I'm still hoping for motherhood, but that hope ebbs & flows. I still have hope - but i don't know that i have the belief it will happen.

I will be praying for you.

Stacey said...

Connie - Thanks! XOXO

Kathryn - Thank you for your comment. I can totally understand the reasons why others might choose to handle their news differently.
I'm very sorry about your loss.

Amy said...

Thanks for sharing this, Stacey. I don't think anyone would fault you for however you choose to tell. It is your news to share, and as you said, prayers by those who love you are not any different depending on your pregnancy status. We will rejoice when you rejoice, we will mourn when you mourn. I hope you have sincere peace in your heart as you continue on this long journey. (hugs)

twondra said...

Oh, sweetie, of course we understand! I don't blame you one bit for not announcing. Like you said, it protects you from another hurt which is sooooo important when you've been through so much already. I agreed with you on everything you said.

I just wanna give you the biggest hug. I know you've been through so much hurt and I don't know how you stay strong through all your losses. I admire you.


Abe said...

HI Stacey,

I completely understand your perspective (not saying I understand how you feel) on not sharing that news when knowing your pregnant initially. In our experience it tends to be those closest to you who have not personally experienced the type of loss you have that don't understand the most. We only lost 1 through miscarrige - but it made us so cautious with telling anyone about our next pregnancy. I just hope that you don't feel like you have to appologise for your decision in that regard - because you shouldn't have to. I don't believe that there are any prayers that you and your husband together can pray that would be more effectively answered by simply having numbers behind them. I choose to believe that our God is more loving and generous than that.

If it comes down to feelings and hurts - your is by far the greater for every loss you have experienced. Protecting yourself is natural, and important. Only those who haven't been there don't understand that. It's good though that some who haven't been there do understand.

God bless,

Abby said...

I know this has to be difficult for you. Waiting every month to see if it's "THE MONTH" you conceive. God has a plan for you and Chuck - Keep your head up! This blog is truly amazing and it has helped so many people cope and have hope in their own life.

I think it's natural in your circumstance not to want to tell right away. If the day comes, God will let you know when you are ready to spread the wonderful news.

Anonymous said...

Stacey, I'm always praying for y'all. I'm praying you have a litter. I'm also praying that nothing ever steals your joy again, because that is heartbreaking. hugs (but only a lateral hug, because someone in CCC told me frontals are bad)

Tanner's said...

Oh Stacey- I am just now catching up on your blogs and this one touched my heart. I have had those same thoughts and feelings. I have told many people that Kevin and I have been robbed the innocence of pregnancy- the joy is grasped with sorrow as we remember all we have been through. I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts when you get to the other side, I have been in deep prayer for you and am looking forward to what God is about to do!

Stacy said...

Couldn't agree with this post know I've been there and the hardest thing in the world is to take back your announcement. Return the baby books. Erase the weeks off the calendar. Delete the e-mails. Make the phone calls.

Unless you've walked this road, no one has the right to decide what you should or shouldn't do when you get a positive result.