Pretty soon it will be a year that we've been trying for pregnancy number seven. I don't know an exact date; I just remember that it was last year in late spring/early summer that we started trying again. My last pregnancy ended in miscarriage back in January of 2007. After a surgery in 2008 we were given approval to try for another pregnancy. I am not by any means complaining about how long a year is. I know that so many of you have tried for much longer than that and I would never want to be insensitive about that.
I have not yet had the experience of blogging during a pregnancy. It crosses my mind sometimes and I wonder how I would handle it. As you know, the beginning stages of pregnancy are not easy times for me. They are fraught with uncertainty and fear. As much as I desire to be very open on this blog, another part of me has become very guarded. Living through even one failed pregnancy where you've had to "take back" the announcement will do that to you. Living through multiple losses tends to steal away the joy of those first few weeks and months of pregnancy. It is absolutely heartbreaking to let the word get out and then have to go back and tell family and friends that it's over. My poor husband has made more of those phone calls than he'd care to recall. The last couple of times we have kept our news mostly to ourselves for as long as we can. I know that not everyone is the same but for us it just became easier. We weren't trying to hide anything. We were protecting ourselves from additional hurt.
Sometimes we hear people criticize that method. They say that it's better to tell all and have people praying for you along the way. While I wholeheartedly believe in the power of prayer, I also know that we have many friends and family members who pray for us constantly! I've had reminders just this week from dear friends who are praying for us. They don't need to know the latest news in order to pray. The Lord knows where we are. Yes, there are times when there is a specific need and God leads us to share with certain people for prayer and support. Those times are important, but I consider all of those prayers spoken on our behalf every day to be equally important. Without them I don't know how I would have made it this far.
It's hard to predict how much I might choose to share right away on this blog if we are able to have another pregnancy. Already it's not a place where I share specific cycle dates or daily numbers. I don't oppose others who do that, but I've never felt that it is the purpose of this particular blog. That is partly because I know myself, and I know that I would too easily obsess about those figures. I write here about loss, trials, and faith, and all of the feelings and experiences that I've had with infertility and miscarriage. That's exactly what I want this blog to be if I make it to the other side of this, but it has been so important for me to write this out in the middle of this trial and not just after it is over! Even if I make it to motherhood I want these words to minister to those who wait, as many blogs have done for me. I'm not the kind of person who can have something like this touch my life for a season and then brush myself off and move on when the trial is over. I believe that our hardships shape and mold us along the way and we always bear the scars of them. Not in a bad way, but just as reminders of where we've been and how we've arrived at the places we are now. After all, scars only form after healing has taken place.
Even if we don't agree about how early to share pregnancy news, I hope that you'll be patient with me. For now, nothing has changed and we still try month after month with hope that our situation could change. I'm still waiting but I know that the Lord is working. I know that He is using this time for His purposes. Even though I don't like it, I'm willing to let Him lead. It's hard and it hurts sometimes. I still grieve every day, but there is joy and there is hope!