Tuesday, July 6, 2010


Last year on this day, July 6, I wrote at length about our first miscarriage. It was really the first time I'd blogged in detail about a specific loss, and I distinctly remember how painful it was and yet how it felt good and right to remember and to share that baby's story.

I'm not going to recap that entire post (you can read it here if you'd like), but today is the anniversary of our first miscarriage. Eight years ago we had a very different 4th of July weekend. We waited, worried, and tried to distract ourselves from what was happening. We focused our energies on working in our new house and tried to believe that there would one day be children living here, too. Our children. We just needed more time. We needed to mourn and to heal. A lot of women miscarry their first babies, I'd been told. Although it feels devastating, it's not uncommon. It doesn't mean we have a problem. We will have another baby soon.

If you read this blog, then you already know the rest of the story. That first loss nearly ripped me apart. It took me by surprise. Miscarriage was suddenly part of my life and not just something sad I'd heard about that happened to other people. Aside from the awful physical experience I had, I really didn't know then just how painful it would be emotionally. And I certainly had no idea that it was the beginning of a long struggle that would forever change who I was and how I looked at life. That's where I was eight years ago at this time.

For years I've read those "then and now" posts from other bloggers and I've always been intrigued and touched by them. So much can change in a year. God can accomplish huge tasks in a relatively short amount of time. A year can change the entire course of a life! I believed that, but it hadn't happened to me. The years were adding up and not a single thing had changed, except the number of babies I'd had to release to heaven, my gradual spiral into despair and depression, and the hardening of my heart. These were issues I was working on. I was desperately trying to work out a new direction for myself and trying to find contentment in my life whether we would have children or not. That's where I was last year at this time.

Now, I can't help but look at the changes that this year has brought. This 4th of July holiday, like the one eight years ago, finds us waiting again. Waiting for a baby to be born, but this time, to stay and to hold in our arms. It finds me sleeping fitfully. Sleeping fitfully, again because of pregnancy, but in an entirely different way. And it finds us working in the same house we had just moved into that weekend years ago, but this time as necessary preparations and in anticipation of a new arrival instead of a distraction from the pain of having to say goodbye.

Yes, a lot can change in a year. But sometimes it may take much, much longer. Either way, to God be the glory! I'm thanking Him today for bringing about a huge change in my life, my heart, and my body.

And while the change is greatly welcomed, we still remember our first miracle baby who has now been in heaven for eight years.

We love you so much, little one.


Kathryn said...

I'm rejoicing for you, with you, for this soon to come, glad, happy event! :)

So glad this joy is coming to you.

twondra said...

Beautiful Stacey. I've been thinking about you so much the last few days as I know what this day means to you and the emotions you must feel today. You're so strong and such an amazing woman and mother.

What a blessing Lily is. You're God be the glory!

Love you!!

Chuck said...

Yesterday as I was painting Lily's closet, I couldn't help but think about painting our new home during that difficult time 8 years ago. It was a painful memory, but I am looking forward to the many happy memories with our sweet little girl.

Birdie said...

Oh Stacey, how true!

I'm so happy for you as you are anticipating Lily's arrival!! What an exciting time for you. I'm so glad that this 4th of July weekend is full of hope! :)

Hope in Virginia said...

Praise the got to write a "then and now" post. God is faithful.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you have the the excitement and joy of a new pregnancy to ease the sadness of the sweet ones who were just as wanted and lost. I can't wait to see your new baby!

DeniFay said...

I like hopeful posts! Sometimes it makes me sad for myself, but it also reminds me that God's plans are so much bigger than we can dream, and while we think our dreams would be awesome if they came true, His are always so much cooler! Sending love to all your angel babies and awaiting the arrival of sweet Lily!

Becky said...

I remember last year's post so well. It gives me so much hope to see what a difference a year can make. To think that you are awaiting the arrival of your precious daughter Lily just amazes me. I am so excited for you guys! But I know it doesn't erase the sadness of the precious little ones you lost. As soon a July rolled around I began thinking of you, knowing what this month represents. I am remembering your babies with you and praying for you always.

Sharon said...

Stacey, this post resonated with me as I'm also approaching the 8th year anniversary of my 1 loss and this year I'll be remembering it with a 7 month old baby. Its so true how life can change in the blink of an eye!

Jenn said...

Rejoicing with you for the upcoming appearance of sweet little Lily and remembering your precious babies that are now at the feet of Jesus.