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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Unexpected

Last month, as far as our fertility was concerned, I felt like we did everything right. The timing seemed perfect. We had our first IUI and were feeling pretty hopeful about our chances. We truly felt like having the IUI procedure would give us just the boost we needed in order to achieve pregnancy again. But it didn't work.

This month nothing worked right. Nothing seemed to come together. We felt stressed, frantic, and disorganized. We thought we were going to have IUI #2, but the timing didn't work out because of the New Year holiday. We were disappointed, frustrated, and feeling pretty negative about the whole thing. Those feelings, combined with being away from home for the holiday week, didn't exactly work in our favor for trying on our own.

Last night my husband and I were sitting in the living room, and with tears in my eyes I told him that sometimes it feels like we're fighting a losing battle.

This morning I awoke to something unexpected. It was a lot like nearly every other month for the past three years, but this time, the home pregnancy test was positive.

Deep breath. Here we go.

I composed myself, whispered a quick prayer (Please God, let this be it), called my husband at work, called the doctor's office, and called my mom. One thing I've learned after six pregnancies that ended too soon is that we don't spend a lot of time celebrating. We immediately kick into action mode. We needed to drive to Houston to get blood work done. I jumped in the shower and Chuck came home so we could go together. We were in and out of the lab in a few minutes and driving back home in the rain. Strangely enough, we've both been relatively calm today. I know that we are both nervous, but we're trying to stay level-headed. My sweet friends who have suffered from recurrent pregnancy loss will understand this. From here we proceed with caution. It's not that we aren't elated to have reached this point. We are! But when you have a long history of loss, you learn to keep your feelings in check.

It is hard to believe that we have been walking this long, arduous road for 9 years. In the first 6 years we had 6 pregnancies end in miscarriage. This week, January 22nd to be exact, is the third anniversary of my last loss. It has been 3 years of waiting and wondering if our time was over, if we'd missed our chance, if it would ever happen for us again. I know that seeing two lines on a pregnancy test is no guarantee that we'll be holding a real live baby in 9 months, but we are taking it for what it is. It's another chance. If there's one thing we know for sure at this point it's that today we are pregnant, and today we have another chance.

When I wrote the last post yesterday with the brief cycle update, I can tell you that I was about 99% sure that it was almost the beginning of a new cycle. I was so touched as all of your sweet comments came in hoping for that positive test. You guys truly amaze me. Thank you for hoping and believing even when I can't quite muster up the strength to do it myself.

Last month we did everything right and it didn't work. This month everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong, but somehow it worked. I don't believe for a second that it's just a coincidence. I think that sometimes God knows that I need reminders that I'm not in control of this situation. He is. He always has been, even when I don't like how it turns out. And even when I think we've seriously messed everything up, even when I'm 99% sure we've failed, He can still come through with His perfect plan and His perfect timing.

I trust the Lord no matter what happens in the next few weeks, but I want you to know that I'm nervous. I'm human, and I have fears and worries galore. We still have a lot of waiting ahead of us and a lot of BIG hurdles. I did get a call back from the nurse today confirming the pregnancy. The lab results looked good: HCG 562, Progesterone 37.2. I'll go back in on Friday morning for more blood work to see if we have progress.

I've often wondered since I started this blog more than a year and a half ago what it would be like to experience a pregnancy with all of you on my team. Sharing this news this early on is so out of character for me! For years we went through these early days and weeks with a small group of family and even fewer friends, but somehow knowing that you're all standing with us and praying for us gives me peace of mind. Thanks so much, precious friends!

Just a few more words and I'll be done for tonight.
First of all, and most importantly, I pray every day for all of my sweet friends who are waiting in one way or another. I will continue to do this for as long as necessary. I'm still standing with all of you and hoping that your wait won't be much longer.

Please pray for us as our new wait continues.

And finally, for those of my real-life friends who read my blog, please, please don't mention this on Facebook or to anyone else just yet. It would mean a lot to us if you would just keep it under your hat for a while. Thank you! We love you guys.

64 comments:

Samantha said...

I will keep you in my prayers. The Lord can give you a peace in your heart that passeth all understanding. Just lean on him through this. I know that lots of people are praying for you and I will have people from my church praying for you. God Bless you.

Samantha said...

what state from the south are you from?

Michele said...

I am going to celebrate on your behalf!!!! OH MY GOSH how WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so so thrilled for you guys. Know that you're in my prayers. I believe that starting my blog just 3 months ago gave me a certain sense of calm as we went into this last cycle. I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant and feeling so positive for you!!!!

Stacey said...

Thanks so much for the prayers, Samantha! Still praying for you. (I'm from Louisiana, but I now live in Texas.)

Michele, thank you for celebrating for me! :) I appreciate the kind words, prayers, and encouragement. Best wishes to you, too!

Baby On Mind said...

I am so happy for you... You are in my prayers, I am praying that God will give you peace as you cautiously celebrate this unexpected blessing. God is good, all the time, no matter how we feel about his timing =) Keep us posted.

writtenbliss said...

Stacey,

I just found your blog last week and spent hours pouring through your archives ... to find today that you are pregnant again is awesome!
I'll be keeping you in my prayers and following along online, no matter what happens.

<3

Lisa

Lauren said...

Praying for you!!!

Journeymark Cards & Gifts said...

Oh Stacey, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face because I am so elated for you. I love how you put "today you are pregnant, today you have another chance." May our loving God wrap you in His arms and may you know we are celebrating with you both. Continuing to pray over you and the baby.

Love you,
Jess

TRS said...

No coincidence at all. God makes the impossible happen. And from nothing - he forms great things.

and I hope that doesn't sound wrong... I'm taking that from your information that nothing went right and it looked like there was no opportunity.

We, your bloggy friends - will be praying with you during this wait.
Where two or more are gathered...

Kathryn said...

Wishing, hoping, praying for you. Can't say more 'cause words just feel too cheap. Hugs!!! And the peace of the Lord be with you.

Lulu said...

YAY!! Prayers flying across the pond to you precious girl :)
x

Jenileigh said...

OMG! OMG! OMG! Hallelujah. Life. There is life inside of you. I love saying it. Victory. I WILL be praying for you dear friend. Oh how I raise my hands, my heart up to our Father, Oh how I celebrate with you. Praise You Lord, King of Kings, You are the great I AM. Thank-You, for hearing our cries and for answering. You are the answerer of prayer. Hallelujah!

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26

Eileen said...

WOW!!! I am so happy for you. Having had previous losses myself I can totally understand being cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy. I think it was until after my 3rd beta this time around that I really let myself start getting excited. The wait to ultrasound is killing me though. I hope that the waiting game will go quickly for you and that you get excellent doubling beta results. What a miracle. This made my week. Wooo hooooooooo!

twondra said...

OH MY GOODNESS!!! Stacey!! Did you hear me scream???? I woke up this morning, read your email and immediately came to your blog! It TOTALLY made my day!! Wow girl! I will definitely pray for you!

What I wouldn't do to give you the biggest hug!

Congrats sweetie! I'm so happy for you!!!

Sharon said...

Oh My GOODNESSS! Have you received your results yet? Hurry and post an update, we're all dying to know.
Praying really hard!!!!!

Ann - Building a Nest said...

Very exciting! I know you must be overwhelmed with excitement and fear at the same time. I pray you have peace and calm and that this little one is here to stay.

K said...

Praying! Thanks for being so willing to share.

Tanner's said...

No words to describe how excited I am! I am covering you in prayer my friend and believing that in nine months you will be posting us a picture!
love you-
B

A said...

Oh my heavens, what a wonderful surprise! I am a chicken- didn't test today, but no AF, so I am taking that as a positive sign so far! Will be keeping you both and your little one in my prayers!!

Chuck said...

To all of Stacey's precious friends and supporters, I can't thank you enough!! Fortunately I am always one of the first ones into the office, because right now I am sitting at my desk wiping tears from my eyes. Your words of encouragement and your prayers mean so much more than you'll ever know!

And to Stacey, whatever happens, we're going to be alright. I love you!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I have tears in my eyes too Chuck!!

I've been praying for this for you guys for awhile. I'm still going to keep praying.

As you well know, our God is faithful and good - no matter what - and he is in control. (Man do I need to hear that today too!)

Praying that this pregnancy will be different.

Much love. xoxo

Hope in Virginia said...

Oh, I'm praying hard for you both. You have been through more than anyone should ever have to endure. Remember, we plan our paths but God determines our steps!

just me, dawn said...

quietly, happily optimistic for you. I know all of us in RPL land are careful not celebrate too early.....i think all your readers will be celebrating for you :)
YAY!

Rebekah said...

I'll be praying for you & the baby growing inside!! Congratulations!!

Kate said...

Tears, tears, tears! I am so incredibly happy for you. You are in my prayers. Can I write a prayer request for you?

Amy said...

I think my eyes just about bugged out of my head! Now THAT is some exciting news at the beginning of my day! I can't tell you how happy I am for you and Chuck, Stacey!
Totally understand the apprehension to get too excited too early. I didn't even have the number of losses that you did, and I think I pretty much "missed" the first 4-5 mos. by being afraid to enjoy it. It wasn't until our ultrasound that I started to feel at ease about things. I think anyone who has experienced great loss would understand those feelings.
We will be praying for you...my family, your blog friends. I was just thinking of Jeremiah 29:11 yesterday and how it still applied to all of the people in Haiti, even when some would NEVER believe that God has plans to give them a hope and a future. His Word is true, no matter what our circumstances. And I'm SO glad it is!

prayerfuljourney said...

I just love unexpected positive surprises. Praying it all goes well and you are absolutely right...He is in control. I have to remind myself of that everyday!

Dan & Hillary said...

If you HCG is 500+ on 14dpo, then there could be more than one embryo growing (normal is 80-150).

You are at the top of my prayer list for God to work another awesome miracle!

Love to you during this time of surprise, anticipation, and fear.

Connie said...

It took all of my power to not jump up and down and scream in the middle of my Phonics lesson yesterday! Getting that picture mail from you with a positive test was so so so wonderful! I love you and I am here for you no matter what happens!

PS All of those sweet messages from all of these wonderful friends are so incredible! XOXO

Stacey said...

Wow, thank you so much, friends! I'm feeling pretty calm today, and I know it's because of your prayers and support. YOU ARE AWESOME!!!

@Hillary, thanks for the info! I know that I ovulated on Jan. 2 (because we were supposed to have the IUI and I'd had the trigger shot). That puts me at 18dpo yesterday. From what I've read, the average for that day is 292, so I'm still a little high. We'll see what happens on Friday...

RebeccaJ said...

Prayers and good wishes to you.

gg said...

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

~ Katie ~ said...

Doing the Happy Dance for you guys. Praying for you.

HUGS!!

Jenn said...

OMG Stace & Chuck, what can I say that everyone else hasn't already!!?? Yaaaaaaay, I am sooooo very excited for the two of you. Yes, I know it may not be "final" to you but I believe with all of my heart that THIS IS IT!!! This is going to be the new little sweet, precious baby that you have been praying for all along!! I am one big goosebump right now...they just won't go away!!!! I have to tell you that I have been having a VERY HARD last few days & when I read your news, I immediately felt so much love and joy and peace and excitement for the two of you. Praise God!!! I cannot wait for the blogs to come on the weight your gaining and the stretch marks your getting and the swollen ankles and the nausea & so much more!!! Doesn't this sound like sweet music to your ears!!!! :) Oh what fantastic things to look forward to!!!! PRAISE YOU JESUS!!

Aubrey said...

Congratulations!! I've only been reading your blog for a few months, but I'm glad it was positive. I'll be praying that things continue to go well.

Alicia said...

Tears!!!!! Hoping and pryaing!!!!!

Melissa said...

So happy to read this!!! Praying for all the days ahead. May every one of them be filled with reminders of our loving Father's care for you!

entrusted said...

Oh, Stacey! I am praying, praying, praying. That's a great beta number.
-andreajennine

Char said...

Praying for you!!

Lexi said...

Hi Stacey,

I have been following your blog for about 6 monthes (I found a link to it on someone else's blog...I can't remember where). Although I am not struggling with infertility, I know a thing or two about waiting...I would love to be a wife and mom someday but am currently single. I was blown away by your news yesterday and will be faithfully praying for you and your husband and this little life. My own parents had a lot of trouble getting pregnant--and it is an honor and lifelong blessing to know I was so desired and prayed for for so many years! Isaiah 55--his ways and thoughts are higher than ours. May God bless you today and in the days to come!

Wendy said...

Not sure how I found your blog but I'm glad I did. Praying that this pregnancy is yours to keep - stay positive and let God take over any doubts and fears. Hope you don't mind if I follow your journey..

Michelle said...

CONGRATULATIONS! I know how hard it is when you actually get to see those much awaited for 2 lines. I am the same way...I don't really celebrate...sctually I become terrified...and then moveinto action mode. I am praying for you and keeping everything crossed!!!

embieadoptmom said...

CONGRATS!! What a blessing! I too am pregnant for the first time in my marriage with our sweet adopted embryo! SO EXCITING For all!! GOD IS FAITHFUL!

Sharon said...

Stacey,
I'll keep quiet and keep praying.
Much love,
Sharon

Jess said...

Praying for you and your little one!!! And praying for a healthy and happy 9 months!

Chelle said...

Stopping over from Tammy's blog to wish you a hearty congratulations and then to say you are very much my prayers. I pray that this pregnancy will go well and end with a happy, healthy baby after a wonderful 40 weeks in-utero.

Best wishes.

Joylene Green said...

What wonderful news today! Those are some great starting numbers. Hoping and praying with you that this will finally be your take home in your arms baby.

After losses it's so hard to find peace in the first trimester, so praying you will be able to find peace and hope and joy during the time of waiting!

Life In Mazes said...

Okay, I am late in sending in my congratulations, but I have been praying all day for you and Chuck!
I do have to say that when I first read you post about the mess up at the doctor's office, I just had a hunch that there was reason this happened and I thought, it would be such a nice suprise if God would knit life in her womb without assistance of an IUI. I am so glad he answered my prayers!!!!
This news put a smile on my face all day!
I get so much courage from you and Chuck and how you all have never given up!
I will pray that these are the ones (hoping for multiples:) ) you and Chuck get to hold in 8 1/2 months!
I know the fear you must be experiencing must feel so consuming, but God did not give us a spirit of fear and I am claiming that for you two!!!
I am so glad you are able to celebrate LIFE inside of you! Celebrate it with your whole being!!

~S said...

Stacey, I am so happy for you and Chuck! Such wonderful news! I'm praying for the 3 of you!

Katie said...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

I am so excited for you!

Mina said...

I just stumbled upon your blog today, but I wanted to say how happy I am for you! You will be in my prayers!

Stacy said...

It has been weeks since I have read your blog (or anyone elses for that matter!) and what a post to read. I can't decide whether to cry, give thanks to God, or beg and plead for that little life to be spared. I will do all three. Please know, every single day I will petition our Great God on your behalf dear friend. May this be the beginning of what you have so faithfully been waiting for. Hugs!

amylynn said...

You are in my prayers that this one will stick

Ro-bear said...

Stace, you and Chuck will of course be in my prayers. I will be so excited for you when your years of waiting are over. I love you guys!

Connie said...

WOWEEEEE!!! 54 Comments! You are so very loved!

@Lexi - What a precious precious thing to say/write! I have tears rolling down my cheeks! We have waited so long for this little one. He/She is already so very very loved!

So great to hear more good numbers today, Stace! XOXO

Amy @ Experience Imagination said...

I miss a couple days and look what happens! Congratulations!!

I have tears in my eyes as I'm typing. I'm adding you to my prayer list right now. My daughter will pray, too. She loves praying for mamas and babies.

Blessings and, as they say, ***sticky dust*** to you!

Charisa said...

When I read the title of your post I literally let out an audible gasp and held my breath. Stace, I'm am overjoyed for you and Chuck! You are so often on my mind and in my prayers and you will continue to stay there. Love you both so much! and baby too!!!

Becky said...

OMG! Wow! I have been sick so I hadn't checked your blog in a few days. I literally started screaming with excitement as I read this news this morning to the point that John thought something was wrong. I am overjoyed with this news. I will be praying for you guys daily.

Dan & Hillary said...

Love and hugs to you, Stacey, as you grow this little one. So awesome.

Indy said...

I'm not very good at being unemotional and I want to scream up and hug you from joy (although I've never met you in person). God answers prayers, Stacy and I pray that He would give you peace and joy with this pregnancy. I pray that if this is in accordance with His plan he would bring it to fruition and give you your hearts' greatest desire, to be a mother.

You inspire me because after 9 years you have remained steadfast in your pursuit of the Lord.

Congratulations! I am STILL praying for you.

Sunny said...

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!! I'M FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! I COULD KICK MYSELF THAT I HAVEN'T READ MY BLOGS IN FOREVER!!!!!!! LOOK AT WHAT I'VE MISSED!!!!!!!!!!!! Stacey, oh Lord, thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!

btw, your hcg level is fantastic!

Laurel said...

Just came over from Lauren's blog. Look forward to reading more of your story.

Wanted to share with you that GOD IS A GOD OF MIRACLES.

27 years ago ... at the age of 21 ... I was told that I needed a hysterectomy. I would never have children. I consulted a 2nd doctor. He agreed with the diagnosis of severe endometriosis ... but he told me he would hold of on surgery for awhile. He said I had a 2% chance to ever get pregnant.

Well ... I went on to give birth to 5 babies in the next 5 years. Then, after #6 ... I had a baby die during pregnancy. Then, after #7 ... my endo. came back. I was told to have that hysterectomy.

I went into the hospital for a hysterectomy ... the Dr. opened me up ... and God had healed me.

I had 3 more bio. babies ... and then we adopted 3 from Ghana.

So, the 21 y.o that was told she would never have children ... is now the happy mama of 13 (ages 8, 8, 9, 11, 13, 13, 16, 19, 21, 21, 23, 24, 25).

May you and Chuck be BLESSED!!! God IS a God of MIRACLES!

Watch out what you pray for ... you may end up with a HOUSE FULL. :)

mama of 13

Renovation Girl said...

Oh!!!!!!! I need to be keeping up with my blog reading! What a wonderful surprise to read this! Stacey, I couldn't be more excited for you guys! I will be praying hard that this is it!!!! YAY!!!!!

jami said...

I am soooo happy for you!