Last month, as far as our fertility was concerned, I felt like we did everything right. The timing seemed perfect. We had our first IUI and were feeling pretty hopeful about our chances. We truly felt like having the IUI procedure would give us just the boost we needed in order to achieve pregnancy again. But it didn't work.
This month nothing worked right. Nothing seemed to come together. We felt stressed, frantic, and disorganized. We thought we were going to have IUI #2, but the timing didn't work out because of the New Year holiday. We were disappointed, frustrated, and feeling pretty negative about the whole thing. Those feelings, combined with being away from home for the holiday week, didn't exactly work in our favor for trying on our own.
Last night my husband and I were sitting in the living room, and with tears in my eyes I told him that sometimes it feels like we're fighting a losing battle.
This morning I awoke to something unexpected. It was a lot like nearly every other month for the past three years, but this time, the home pregnancy test was positive.
Deep breath. Here we go.
I composed myself, whispered a quick prayer (Please God, let this be it), called my husband at work, called the doctor's office, and called my mom. One thing I've learned after six pregnancies that ended too soon is that we don't spend a lot of time celebrating. We immediately kick into action mode. We needed to drive to Houston to get blood work done. I jumped in the shower and Chuck came home so we could go together. We were in and out of the lab in a few minutes and driving back home in the rain. Strangely enough, we've both been relatively calm today. I know that we are both nervous, but we're trying to stay level-headed. My sweet friends who have suffered from recurrent pregnancy loss will understand this. From here we proceed with caution. It's not that we aren't elated to have reached this point. We are! But when you have a long history of loss, you learn to keep your feelings in check.
It is hard to believe that we have been walking this long, arduous road for 9 years. In the first 6 years we had 6 pregnancies end in miscarriage. This week, January 22nd to be exact, is the third anniversary of my last loss. It has been 3 years of waiting and wondering if our time was over, if we'd missed our chance, if it would ever happen for us again. I know that seeing two lines on a pregnancy test is no guarantee that we'll be holding a real live baby in 9 months, but we are taking it for what it is. It's another chance. If there's one thing we know for sure at this point it's that today we are pregnant, and today we have another chance.
When I wrote the last post yesterday with the brief cycle update, I can tell you that I was about 99% sure that it was almost the beginning of a new cycle. I was so touched as all of your sweet comments came in hoping for that positive test. You guys truly amaze me. Thank you for hoping and believing even when I can't quite muster up the strength to do it myself.
Last month we did everything right and it didn't work. This month everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong, but somehow it worked. I don't believe for a second that it's just a coincidence. I think that sometimes God knows that I need reminders that I'm not in control of this situation. He is. He always has been, even when I don't like how it turns out. And even when I think we've seriously messed everything up, even when I'm 99% sure we've failed, He can still come through with His perfect plan and His perfect timing.
I trust the Lord no matter what happens in the next few weeks, but I want you to know that I'm nervous. I'm human, and I have fears and worries galore. We still have a lot of waiting ahead of us and a lot of BIG hurdles. I did get a call back from the nurse today confirming the pregnancy. The lab results looked good: HCG 562, Progesterone 37.2. I'll go back in on Friday morning for more blood work to see if we have progress.
I've often wondered since I started this blog more than a year and a half ago what it would be like to experience a pregnancy with all of you on my team. Sharing this news this early on is so out of character for me! For years we went through these early days and weeks with a small group of family and even fewer friends, but somehow knowing that you're all standing with us and praying for us gives me peace of mind. Thanks so much, precious friends!
Just a few more words and I'll be done for tonight.
First of all, and most importantly, I pray every day for all of my sweet friends who are waiting in one way or another. I will continue to do this for as long as necessary. I'm still standing with all of you and hoping that your wait won't be much longer.
Please pray for us as our new wait continues.
And finally, for those of my real-life friends who read my blog, please, please don't mention this on Facebook or to anyone else just yet. It would mean a lot to us if you would just keep it under your hat for a while. Thank you! We love you guys.