Last night I finished a book I'd been reading. The book had nothing to do with infertility, miscarriage, or really anything else I've ever been through. It was just a book I was reading for fun. Toward the end, however, I came across these lines and it felt like they were meant for me:
When you spend all your time desperately hoping that something will happen, you lose sight of the fact that something is happening. And has been happening all along.
I'm beginning to realize and accept how true this is. I will never love infertility. It is horrible and I truly hate it every single day. As much as I can't wait until it is behind me, though, I am coming to a place where I can accept it as part of who I am. No, I'm not getting ready to have a t-shirt made with "Ask me about my infertility" printed on it. But in a way I'm starting to look at it as a part of me, albeit a small one. This whole time that I have been desperately waiting for something to happen, something has been happening! God is using this awful experience to teach me amazing things, to open my eyes to the hurts and struggles of others, and to connect me with some incredible people to share in this experience, whether they're also going through it or not.
Over the past few weeks I've been amazed at the ministry opportunities and the overall good responses and support from people in my life. It wouldn't be a true and honest picture, though, if I didn't also tell you that yesterday was a particularly bad day. It was one of those days when all the bad stuff seems to come at me at once. An insensitive comment, unwanted advice, a completely crazy and unthinkable suggestion from a family member - it all hit me like a ton of bricks. But I'm not new at this. It still isn't easy, but I'm learning how to handle even the bad days.
I know that sometimes it will be really hard. I don't know what my future holds. All of these lessons that seem so clear and wonderful are hard to find when there is a new loss, when the pain becomes fresh again and the old wounds are opened back up.
I'm willing to trust God's plan and His timing, and to learn a few lessons along the way. Right now, today, I realize that something is happening. And it has been happening all along.
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10 comments:
Wow! How very true! It's such an answer to prayer that you are at this place...The thing I pray most often (aside from God giving you the desire of your heart) is that God will give you a "peace that passes all understanding". Love You!
PS Looks like a cute book I may need to borrow. (You know, to hold me over until SM decides to release Midnight Sun...)
That is an awesome quote and something I am trying to learn right now - I've realized I'm always waiting for something & feel like life can't begin until that something happens. I don't want to waste life that way!
I don't even know how I found your site but I'm glad I did because my best friend is struggling with infertility and I desperately want to empathize as much as possible and avoid as much as possible being the person who makes those insensitive comments without even realizing it. Thank you for writing. As I pray for my friend, I'll pray for you, too.
Thanks for sharing.
Great reminder. Awesome quote.
The idea of a T shirt is pretty funny.
**HUGS**
I am so glad you opened up and shared this. I have realized in myself that when writing my blog I want to be "up". I think most times that there isn't anyone that wants to read my funky junky stuff or thoughts or feelings. Not true. I know it's not because I like reading others. It makes them a real person to me. You are a real person with a real heart and a real life with real problems. Life isn't perfect and I appreciate you sharing that you are having ups and downs. I prayed for you today in my quiet time. I've been where you are and I'm glad you are realizing that something is happening. Your life is evolving and your history is being written each and every day. There's something to be said for that. Here's a hug for you today (or actually yesterday). Take care!
Wow, thanks ladies. You have no idea how much you lift me up. Thanks for all the hugs and prayers!
Tara, thanks for commenting for the first time. Your friend has something special in you!
Very true. I've also come to realize in the last few months that the lessons I'm learning through my infertility are truly valuable.
It amazes me how our God has used infertility in my life to grow, deepen, and define my faith in Him........and soooo much more. I too am very thankful for that. But I echo your words; it's horrible and I hate every day of it. Great post, and I'm really enjoying your blog, it's very ministering to my soul. Thanks and God bless!
First I want to say how sorry I am that you experiencing this. You will be in my prayers.
Secondly I'm glad that you shared this revelation. This is similar to what my husband told me last month, that my life isn't on hold while I'm hold going through my infertility, its still going on all around me and I was missing it, and they were missing me. It's hard but you have to move past it to an extent.
Thanks for sharing this, it helped me a lot and I look forward to getting to know you more. I found you through alicia.
God bless!
Love that pic of you and Chuck! xoxo
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