Last night I finished a book I'd been reading. The book had nothing to do with infertility, miscarriage, or really anything else I've ever been through. It was just a book I was reading for fun. Toward the end, however, I came across these lines and it felt like they were meant for me:
When you spend all your time desperately hoping that something will happen, you lose sight of the fact that something is happening. And has been happening all along.
I'm beginning to realize and accept how true this is. I will never love infertility. It is horrible and I truly hate it every single day. As much as I can't wait until it is behind me, though, I am coming to a place where I can accept it as part of who I am. No, I'm not getting ready to have a t-shirt made with "Ask me about my infertility" printed on it. But in a way I'm starting to look at it as a part of me, albeit a small one. This whole time that I have been desperately waiting for something to happen, something has been happening! God is using this awful experience to teach me amazing things, to open my eyes to the hurts and struggles of others, and to connect me with some incredible people to share in this experience, whether they're also going through it or not.
Over the past few weeks I've been amazed at the ministry opportunities and the overall good responses and support from people in my life. It wouldn't be a true and honest picture, though, if I didn't also tell you that yesterday was a particularly bad day. It was one of those days when all the bad stuff seems to come at me at once. An insensitive comment, unwanted advice, a completely crazy and unthinkable suggestion from a family member - it all hit me like a ton of bricks. But I'm not new at this. It still isn't easy, but I'm learning how to handle even the bad days.
I know that sometimes it will be really hard. I don't know what my future holds. All of these lessons that seem so clear and wonderful are hard to find when there is a new loss, when the pain becomes fresh again and the old wounds are opened back up.
I'm willing to trust God's plan and His timing, and to learn a few lessons along the way. Right now, today, I realize that something is happening. And it has been happening all along.