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Thursday, November 13, 2008

Day By Day

I wonder why we feel the need to make people think we are always ok? I think for me it's because I'm a people pleaser. I like to think I am making people happy. Maybe it goes along with being a middle child. Also, it's hard to let people in when we're hurting. It is not an easy thing to let your vulnerabilities show. Sometimes I go into self-preservation mode and I think only about protecting myself. I avoid certain people or certain situations because I'm afraid it will be obvious that I don't have it all together. Lately I would rather not get "out there" because there are people out there who say and do things that aren't nice sometimes, even when they don't mean to.

Remember that song from the '90s that had the line in it, "You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today"? (Bonus points if you can name the song and the artist, no googling allowed!) Sometimes I start the day out with that thought. I'd just like to get through today with my cheeks dry. I don't want to break down and cry when someone asks me how things are going. I want to be honest with people but I don't want to come across like an emotional basket case.

I find that it's hard to answer the question when someone asks if I'm ok. I always feel like if I say yes, then they will think I'm doing fine and have "gotten over" my pain and grief. But I think if the answer is no, they think I'm on the verge of giving up and usually recommend counseling (especially if I cry). I think an easier question to answer might be am I ok today. That I could probably answer pretty honestly. Is it a good day or a bad day? Because really that's what I want people to understand. It has been nearly two years since my last miscarriage, but every day has ups and downs. Some days start out great but then I have a major setback. I'm happy to say that most days lately are good days. Oh, but the bad days are still around.

I'm trying to find a balance here. I can't pretend that recurrent miscarriage/infertility is not a part of my life but I want everyone to know that it's not all I'm about. Most days I'm happy and hurting all at the same time. Like everybody else I have daily joys and struggles. True friends are those who stick around with you through both, and I'm so grateful for those in my life.

I think one of the hardest things is when the lines of communication are broken. Unfortunately I've seen too many friendships dwindle away because we stop talking about things. I even have some friends who have been through infertility, had children, and moved on, never to bring it up with me again or ask how my situation is going. They've had their prayers answered and I don't know if they remember me way back here, still pleading with the Lord to remember me too. I hear them talk about how much God has blessed them and I wonder what that means for me. It's awful to feel the awkwardness creep into a friendship, and eventually watch the friendship all but disappear.

Yesterday I wasn't really ok, but today is better. I don't know how tomorrow will be, but I hope you'll hang in there with me either way. Likewise, I hope that you will count on me to help with your heavy load too.

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

15 comments:

Jesus, My Best Friend said...

sooo sooo true! it's almost like you have read my mind today! i am Praying that God blesses you soon!

Andrea said...

I know what you mean about not letting people know how you really feel. I'm always "fine." I rarely let on when I'm having a bad day. I don't really know why, but I think it's the same reason, I want everyone to be happy and comfortable. And if I say I'm not doing well it will make people uncomfortable.

But I agree that we should be there for each other and the only way to let your friends know to help is if you're honest. It's good to have people you can be honest with. That's why I'm glad I've met you and you started the IF Friends group! I read your blogs and it really is like ya'll are reading my mind...

Amy said...

Love your words. I understand them well, at least lately. Thankfully, as days go on, I experience more good days than bad, but that doesn't mean that there are not sad thoughts dispersed throughout. I hope you continue to be loved and understood TODAY by those who love you.

Sunny said...

Again, feelings I can identify with. Friendships, no matter close and in person or just support type blog friendships, are so incredibly important. I'm thankful for mine. I know you are for your also. And I'm even more thankful for the sweet friendship and relationship I have with Christ. He never lets me down and I never have to pretend with him.

Dan & Hillary and little Russell said...

I totally understand the co-exhistant happiness and hurting. I find that people shirk away from people with 'problems'... I guess I've become more guarded in my life because of this. Sincere hugs, sister in Christ.

sharonvw said...

Your posts are always so beautifully thoughtful. Here's hopign we can all have a nice long string of being ok days!
(((Hugs)))

I Believe in Miracles said...

I can feel the rawness in this post. My heart is hurting for you. Yes it is hard to have friends move on and leave you behind. I hear you on that. I'm there with you. I'm praying for you, my friend.
***BIG HUG***

Amy @ Experience Imagination said...

Grief is sure a bumpy road. I was just thinking that last night. Maybe I should write a post about it.

I'm glad you're feeling better today. ((hugs)) from up north.

Connie said...

Shoot! I don't know the song, please, don't disown me! I know I should know it...

I sincerely hope that you know I am ALWAYS here. I'm pretty sure you know you can't get rid of me, no matter how hard you try! I love you way too much! XOXO

Stacey said...

The song is "No Rain" by Blind Melon, from 1993.
:)

kirke said...

I totally googled the song :)

I can really relate to this post. I just got an e-mail from a friend I haven't spoken to in a while and she opened with a "What's new?" How to answer that? We've gone too long without speaking and I don't feel like explaining my journey from the beginning, so I go with a "Same old, same old."

Of course, she was writing to let me know she is expecting number 2. :)

Ashley said...

I feel like I can totally relate to you in a lot of ways. My husband and I have been trying to conceive and it just isn't happening. In addition, two of the 4 of the girls in my group are pregnant, plus a family member and co-worker. Some days are so hard for me but other times I'm fine. Sometimes it seems like no one understands. I'm so glad I found your blog!

Teresa said...

It's like you wrote that for me, like you're in my mind. Wow. The comments that get to me the most are it's just not your time or you just need to relax. I was told by someone the reason that I miscarried was because I was too worried about things. I was just telling my mom how I'd like to go one day without crying. Just to be completely happy for one day would feel so great! Amen? ;)

Denton party of 5 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Denton party of 5 said...

thank you for being so vulnerable with your blog. it still amazes me how God works. i am working on a Bible study lesson on vulnerability in friendships and i took a break to read some friends blogs. i clicked on a link to your blog and here i am. you really touched my heart today. i will be praying for you as you continue to struggle with infertility. i will also pray that God gives you a peace about whatever way he chooses to bless your marriage.