I wonder why we feel the need to make people think we are always ok? I think for me it's because I'm a people pleaser. I like to think I am making people happy. Maybe it goes along with being a middle child. Also, it's hard to let people in when we're hurting. It is not an easy thing to let your vulnerabilities show. Sometimes I go into self-preservation mode and I think only about protecting myself. I avoid certain people or certain situations because I'm afraid it will be obvious that I don't have it all together. Lately I would rather not get "out there" because there are people out there who say and do things that aren't nice sometimes, even when they don't mean to.
Remember that song from the '90s that had the line in it, "You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today"? (Bonus points if you can name the song and the artist, no googling allowed!) Sometimes I start the day out with that thought. I'd just like to get through today with my cheeks dry. I don't want to break down and cry when someone asks me how things are going. I want to be honest with people but I don't want to come across like an emotional basket case.
I find that it's hard to answer the question when someone asks if I'm ok. I always feel like if I say yes, then they will think I'm doing fine and have "gotten over" my pain and grief. But I think if the answer is no, they think I'm on the verge of giving up and usually recommend counseling (especially if I cry). I think an easier question to answer might be am I ok today. That I could probably answer pretty honestly. Is it a good day or a bad day? Because really that's what I want people to understand. It has been nearly two years since my last miscarriage, but every day has ups and downs. Some days start out great but then I have a major setback. I'm happy to say that most days lately are good days. Oh, but the bad days are still around.
I'm trying to find a balance here. I can't pretend that recurrent miscarriage/infertility is not a part of my life but I want everyone to know that it's not all I'm about. Most days I'm happy and hurting all at the same time. Like everybody else I have daily joys and struggles. True friends are those who stick around with you through both, and I'm so grateful for those in my life.
I think one of the hardest things is when the lines of communication are broken. Unfortunately I've seen too many friendships dwindle away because we stop talking about things. I even have some friends who have been through infertility, had children, and moved on, never to bring it up with me again or ask how my situation is going. They've had their prayers answered and I don't know if they remember me way back here, still pleading with the Lord to remember me too. I hear them talk about how much God has blessed them and I wonder what that means for me. It's awful to feel the awkwardness creep into a friendship, and eventually watch the friendship all but disappear.
Yesterday I wasn't really ok, but today is better. I don't know how tomorrow will be, but I hope you'll hang in there with me either way. Likewise, I hope that you will count on me to help with your heavy load too.
Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2