I like organization. I've been known to go around the house with my label maker putting tags on just about everything. Labels aren't always a good thing though, and they can sometimes be misleading or confusing (or hurtful, when applied to people).
I was reminded of this when I was setting up the various labels over in the right-hand column on this blog. In the world of "Infertility," I'm not quite sure where I belong. To a certain extent I've come to terms with the label even though I'm not technically infertile. It's such a broad title, and that could be why I've become a little more comfortable using it. Maybe it's because I don't have to get real specific with people if I don't want to. Maybe it's a tad bit easier to say than "recurrent miscarriage." It's definitely easier than launching into the history of my six miscarriages.
My ability to become pregnant, however, has done me absolutely no good so far. Therefore, I think it's kind of silly that sometimes I want to distance myself from the word "infertile." What's the point in considering myself fertile if it doesn't result in producing a baby?
As a person whose struggle is with recurrent miscarriage, I don't really know what it's like for those who are having trouble achieving conception. I think I can imagine how frustrating that must be. A couple of times when we have been given the go-ahead to try again, it has taken about a year for us to conceive. Looking back, those were very trying times for us! Most of the time, though, we can't really celebrate when the pregnancy finally does happen. In fact, that's when things get really scary and the roller coaster begins. I slip into a fog for the next 6-12 weeks. It's a blur of doctor visits, ultrasounds, fervent prayer, sleepless nights, and lots of questions. During those times it's hard to even be around people because I can barely hide my anxiety and I'm so distracted. Part of me still desires to keep the pregnancy secret until I know for sure that there's reason to celebrate. I know this is difficult for some to understand if they've never experienced a pregnancy loss.
It's hard to articulate how horrible the pain is, being stuck in this situation. Staying positive and hopeful is a daily struggle, and sometimes I fail miserably. Every day it's on my mind. Every day that passes is a day where I'm painfully aware of getting older and making no progress. It's a constant state of unrest. The best description I have found is in the Bible. Proverbs 30: 15-16 identifies three things that "are never satisfied" and four that never say "Enough!" They are: the grave, the barren womb, land (never satisfied with water), and fire. I've never heard a better description, for no matter how long we've waited and how much we've been through, my desire to be a mother is unwavering and unquenchable, and never satisfied.
I know this is a "heavy" post today, but it's been on my mind. Thanks for sticking around to read it.