Ten Months

My girl is only two months away from turning one year old! Many times lately when I look at her I feel like she is already twelve months and beyond. She is getting so big and changing so much that it seems every day we wake up to something different.

Here's what's new around here:

Eating: Overall I'm really proud of how Lily has done so far with learning to eat table foods. Naturally there are some things she just doesn't like, and she promptly spits them back out and then avoids choosing those things from her tray. I think her favorite so far is still tomatoes. I peel and chop them for her and she gobbles them up. Lily likes a variety of different fruits, so I try to keep the house stocked with plenty of them. This month she seems to enjoy yogurt a lot more, too. We switched to the yobaby brand and that made all the difference. Her favorite is the apple and sweet potato combo.
It's definitely a challenge to come up with different meal and snack ideas for Lily at this stage. There are always the old faithful things that she likes and I know she'll eat (carrots, sweet potatoes, breads, and cereals), but I also want to keep adding variety as often as possible while she is willing to try new tastes. I still try to introduce a new food or two every week. This week she tried plums and cottage cheese and both seemed to be a success!

Sometimes I find it completely mind-blowing that I'm nursing a 10-month-old baby. Of course it still shocks me that I wake up every day as someone's Mommy and I'm incredibly grateful and humbled for that, and for the privilege to breastfeed my baby for her first year. I was so afraid in the beginning that we weren't going to overcome some of our obstacles and be able continue with nursing for very long, but we made it through and are still going, thank the Lord. We are down to only 2-3 times a day now (morning and evening, and sometimes before the afternoon nap), and I try to work in at least 2 sippy cups of formula a day. Lily continues to not be a big drinker, so I feel like I'm offering milk to her all day long to try to make sure she gets close to the right amount.

Sleeping: Lily's sleep patterns are much the same as last month. She gets about 10-11 hours of sleep a night, usually with one or two wakings during the night, and is still taking a morning and an afternoon nap.

Milestones: My big 10-month-old can now say "uh-oh" and "Mama." Those are her only two words with meanings (well, that we know of!). She babbles a lot these days, mostly ba-ba-ba sounds. This month she seems to really be finding her voice and she likes to use it loudly! We think it's super cute when she yells out words like "BOB," "BOP," and "WHOP."
Lily can wave hello and bye-bye, clap her hands, and sign "more" and "all done." She still loves it when I sing to her, and I think her favorite song right now is the little Bible story song Zacchaeus.

My sweet girl is really showing a lot of personality these days and it's really fun to get to know that part of her.


She is very much a daddy's girl, and if he's anywhere near you'll find her in his arms. She loves to be held and carried by Daddy, but Mommy still makes her laugh the hardest and gets more kisses. :) It makes me so happy to see Lily being so affectionate with her extended family members as well. She loves to snuggle with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins! Her face lights up when she sees those familiar faces (even though she's still sometimes shy at first).

Our BIG news this month is that Lily is mobile! I call it crawling, but technically we have a scooter. Lily is rarely up on all fours and has never crawled that way, but she scoots herself forward on her bottom using her hands and one knee while the other leg is tucked in (does that make sense?). Regardless of whether it can be called crawling or not, she sure does get herself around that way!


On top of that, she just pulled up all by herself for the first time this week. I was getting her ready for a bath two nights ago and I set her down in her bed to put the dirty clothes away. When I walked back into her room a few seconds later, she pulled herself right up as though she'd known how all along! There have been some big, big changes at our house for sure.


And one more little tidbit: Lily finally cut her first tooth around 9 1/2 months. She has her lower right front tooth (central incisor) and the one next to it is very close to erupting I suspect any day now.

It's a joy to watch this baby girl grow and change. She is less and less like a baby every day, which does make me a bit sad, but we are delighting in each new day and every new phase and skill that she picks up. We are so proud of our precious, happy girl!

P.S. Thank you all for your condolences, thoughts, and prayers last week after the death of my grandmother. They were much appreciated.

A Moment to Be Thankful For

Today my grandmother, my mother's mother, passed away.

It was only a few years ago that my husband and I had six of our grandparents still with us. We had my two grandmothers (both of my grandfathers died when I was in high school), and my husband was fortunate to have all four of his grandparents still living and in relatively good health. We knew that we were fortunate, as we were nearing our 30s and had many friends whose grandparents had already passed on.

As our childless years began to stack up with no end in sight, I used to spend a lot of time worrying about having a child before we lost those precious members of our family. I used to see those prized "four generation" and even FIVE generation pictures and, as each year went by with no baby, it would weigh more heavily on my heart.

To put it plainly: I love old people. I just do. I love their memories and histories and stories. I like to visit with the elderly and just listen to them speak. And after I became interested in genealogy several years back, I really began to treasure the times when I could call or sit and talk with an elderly relative of mine or my husband's. I listened raptly, soaking up every word like a sponge and usually taking notes so I wouldn't forget a thing. I pored over old documents and photos, spending hours researching on the internet and visiting cemeteries all across Louisiana. I began to wonder if I'd ever have the opportunity to pass it all down to my own descendants, but it became an extremely interesting and satisfying hobby for me and it was a great way to fill up my time while we waited and hoped for a child of our own.

In a funny way, too, researching my family history brought me closer to having better relationships with my grandmothers (particularly my dad's mom, who will turn 94 next month). At the very least, it helped me to know and understand them a bit better while I had the chance.

As time went on and our dear grandparents' health began to decline, I realized that I needed to let go of my dream of seeing our children in their aged arms. They had lived full lives, and while we weren't ready to say goodbye (and never would be), if it was time for the Lord to call them home then it was time, regardless of whether or not I had a child. Of course, it was never about me in the first place. I needed to just be grateful for the time I'd had with them and record and cherish their stories for me. Because I wanted to know. If I would be able to one day pass them down to another generation, whether through my own children or those of our siblings, then that would be a bonus.

We lost my husband's paternal grandfather and grandmother in 2007 and 2008, respectively. In 2009, his maternal grandfather went home to be with the Lord.

Lily was born in 2010, and we made it a priority for her to meet our remaining grandmothers (my two and his one) as soon as possible. Lily had met all three by the time she was five months old, and it brought me so much joy each time. It was a culmination for me, and I know it was for these three women too, as they had also spent the past decade praying for this child of ours that we were finally able to see and touch and hold.

At long last, I was able to take pictures of my daughter with her great grandmothers. It was indeed another "longing fulfilled" moment for me.

And while I still can't say I was ever extremely close to my maternal grandmother, that is something I will always be grateful for. At the funeral on Wednesday I will be sad for our family's loss, particularly for my mom as she buries her mother. But I'll also whisper a quiet prayer of thanks to the Lord for moments like these that I'll remember forever.

Lily with my mom's mom, taken on New Year's Eve 2010/11, six months before she died:


Lily with my dad's mom, age 93, taken in February 2011:


Lily with my husband's maternal grandmother, age 84, taken in February 2011:


And again in June 2011:

An (Extra)Ordinary Day

Yesterday was an ordinary day.

I got up early with my girl and our day was filled with playing, eating, naps, and diapering. It was a typical day around here with a nine month old who is becoming more active by the minute.

But nine years ago yesterday I lost the first baby that I carried.

I don't know that baby's gender, name, or face, but it was the first of our children that we loved, wanted, and cherished. It had been the first positive pregnancy test for a young couple who thought they would become parents nine months later... instead of nine years later. When we found out that we would lose the baby it was the first time my heart was really and truly broken, and that same deep hurt would be felt five more times in the years that followed.

I never did mark the day on my calendar, but it was a date that I always remembered. This year was no different. I was mindful of it all day long even as my hands were constantly occupied with toys and baby food. While we drove to pick up my sister from the airport yesterday I remembered our late-night drive to the hospital. She was with us then, too, pregnant with her second child. Our babies were due one month apart. My nephew will turn nine years old this December, and I wonder what it would be like to have a child that age...

July 6, 2002 is a day I've thought about often. It was the day that changed everything for us and started us down a path we never imagined we'd take: recurrent miscarriage. But God has been faithful. He was good then and He is still good today.

Here's one example of how He was good to me yesterday:

It seems incredible to me, but during my "ordinary" day, my baby girl said "Mama." She had been babbling it for about a week or so, but yesterday she said it for real. I was able to mark the date of July 6, 2011 on her calendar with the sticker "Says Mama."

She's not the first baby I loved or carried, but she is the first one I've had the privilege to hold and sing to and rock to sleep. I'm so thankful that there's someone here who calls me Mama.

After waiting nine long years to hear that word, hearing it yesterday was particularly special. And it sure turned my ordinary day extra-ordinary.

Nine Months

One of the things that people always told me while I was pregnant turned out to be true: The nine months that you spend pregnant will seem to take forever, but the first nine months of your baby's life will go by in a flash. It's amazing how true this is.

I can't believe how long Lily has been with us, and yet at the same time it's hard to remember what it was like to not know her.

Quite a bit has changed around here lately, so I'll jump right in!

Lily turned nine months old a whole week ago, and I'm kinda glad I'm late writing this post because of all the new things she has learned in the past seven days. It's like she hit that milestone and suddenly figured out how to do a bunch of new things! I'll get to that later, though. First things first:

At her nine month checkup last week Lily weighed 19 pounds 2 ounces and was 28 inches long. Month after month I'm grateful for a healthy, growing girl who has been free of any major or minor illnesses. She's doing so well and I'm so thankful. And she and I both were very happy that this trip to the doctor did not include shots, although now those four she'll have at twelve months are looming.

Eating: Our big change in eating this month has been the introduction of table foods. Actually, I just started making this a part of her regular meals this week. Lily is on the same food schedule as last month, but now I'm trying to replace some of her baby food purees at lunch and dinner with table food. She still has her oatmeal with applesauce or another fruit for breakfast and she still has cereal in the evenings, but lunch, dinner, and snacks have a little more variety. So far we've tried mashed potatoes, cooked baby carrots, broccoli, tomatoes, and a little bit of chicken. She seems to like all of it, but her favorite by far has been the tomatoes. (Of course, they are fresh from her granddad's garden and are particularly delicious!)
I have found that she likes real table foods better than the stage 3 baby foods even though she loved the stage 2 purees, which is just as well if we can just skip over a step. For example, she really likes to eat (steamed) broccoli from our plates, but she hates it out of the baby food jar.

Over the past month Lily has gotten really good at feeding herself some finger foods. She really goes to town with the little Gerber snacks (Puffs and Lil' Crunchies), Cheerios, and pieces of toast, and she enjoys eating fresh bananas and strawberries very much right now although she can't pick up slippery things by herself quite as well.


Lily still nurses about 3-4 times a day and I've introduced a sippy cup of formula once a day. She also has little sips of water and sometimes juice (she's still not crazy about it) here and there with meals.

Sleeping: I'm so glad to report that sleep has returned to our house!


It's not unusual for Lily to wake up once or maybe even twice a night, but we are just so relieved to have gotten past that awful stage we were in a little while ago that you won't hear us complain. She has started sleeping through the night again pretty often, which is a huge relief for all of us. Her nap times are now very regular -- around 10 AM and 2 PM, for about an hour each. Bedtime is still between 7:30 and 8 PM, and we start the day between 6:30 and 7 each morning (still an adjustment for her night owl mommy).

Milestones: Now for the fun stuff! Honestly, if I had written this post on time a week ago, I wouldn't have much to say in the way of big milestones. In fact, I had just been talking a couple of weeks ago about how Lily was nowhere near crawling. She really wasn't. She's still not crawling, but she is so much more mobile lately. She will pull herself all the way forward onto her hands and knees to get a toy, then she either rocks back onto her bottom or falls onto her tummy. Sometimes I think she is right on the verge of taking off.

On the day that Lily turned nine months old, she said her first word! She was in her high chair right after breakfast and she dropped the toy she'd been holding. I was on the phone with my sister, but I said "uh-oh" to Lily and she repeated "oh." We did this three times and I was pretty sure she was trying to say it. Later on in the day I tried it again and heard her say both syllables, plain as day. So, "uh-oh" is her first word! I think she is really close to learning "mama" too.

For months I've been trying to teach Lily to clap her hands and wave bye-bye. I don't know why, but they both clicked this past Sunday while we were at my mom's. In the same day she picked up both of these new skills, and it's really cute to watch her little hands move with purpose. I also use the signs for "more" and "all done" every time she eats, and today I felt like she was really trying to do the sign for more.

All in a week's time, my big girl has learned so much. This stage is a lot of fun and we're really enjoying it. As always, we're so thankful for the opportunity to be her parents.

Celebrating Father's Day

For the first time in my life I got excited about Father’s Day this year. I ordered a special gift weeks in advance and had a hard time keeping quiet about it. I couldn’t wait until the day arrived!

I don’t recall ever spending a Father’s Day with my own dad. It’s possible that I did before the age of seven (when my parents divorced), but I’m pretty sure I never have since. I usually send a card, which I’m never quite sure he receives, and almost always talk to him on the phone on that day for a few minutes. I’m not incredibly close to my dad, but of course I do love him. He’s not perfect, but he is my dad.

My husband’s not perfect either, and I know that as parents we will make mistakes. But, with that being said, he IS pretty amazing! I’ve had a lot of years married to this man to speculate about what kind of daddy he might be if ever given the chance. I knew he’d be great, and it does my heart a world of good to see his relationship with our daughter. It does make me mindful of something I’ve missed out on for 34 years, and it makes me sad for the little girl I was. My daughter, thankfully, has a dad who is sweet, gentle, thoughtful, kind, and loads of fun, and above all, loves the Lord and is completely devoted to his family.

I’ll never have to explain to my daughter why her daddy is never home to spend time with her. It won’t be necessary to explain that alcohol makes her dad do and say things that he shouldn’t. I won’t have to fill the void that has been left in her heart because he abandoned her. I’ll never wipe away tears because she felt like her daddy didn’t care about her or didn’t love her. And by God’s amazing grace, I won’t need to raise her on my own and try to explain to her at the tender age of seven that her daddy is leaving us because he has a new family.

Unlike her mommy, my little girl will spend every day of her life knowing that there is a man who considers her his precious, treasured gift from God. He’ll know her favorite color and which foods she doesn’t like to eat. He’ll know which is her favorite bedtime story, and he’ll never, ever forget her birthday. She is the apple of his eye, and she will always know it. She will go to sleep each night knowing that her mommy and daddy love each other, love her, and will be there for her for as long as we live.

I am beyond grateful this Father’s Day that my daughter has what I didn’t. I’m thrilled that we have a wonderful guy in our lives and that we get to celebrate him on this day and every day. I plan to make sure year after year that Lily Rae knows how incredibly fortunate she is to have the daddy that she does. But I have a feeling she’ll already know.

Just Lucky?

Thanks for the encouraging comments on my last post. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my feelings, but at the same time I always hate that others are struggling with some aspect of infertility, too.

We had a lovely anniversary. It was on a Monday this year, so it was a regular work day for my husband and a regular day at home for Lily and me. That evening the three of us went out to dinner together to celebrate. We weren't at all sad that we weren't able to go out alone on that day. That's nice to do, but it was really great to be together. We had 12 anniversaries without children and were so happy to have her with us for the occasion this year.

Two days later we had our follow-up visit with our RE. We have to drive into Houston to get there so we dropped Lily off with her aunt (my sister-in-law), who was very excited to spend some one-on-one time with her. (That evening Lily stayed with her aunt again for a couple of hours while we went out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary... again. We had a very nice time but we sure did miss our girl! It was so sweet to come back to her smiling face.)

It felt very strange to be back at the doctor's office. There was a couple in the elevator with us on the way out who looked nervous and uncertain, and we both wondered what kind of news they had gotten or what they were facing. We said nothing to them, though, because we know there just aren't any words that help during that time. Still, our hearts were very sensitive to those around us who were still waiting on their babies. And while I would have liked for Lily to have met Dr. G, I was glad she was happily playing at Aunt Allie's house instead of in the waiting room with us, just in case it might have caused anyone additional sadness or hurt.

As I wrote in the last post, I was unsure what to expect from this appointment going into it. I was not expecting that it would be treated as my well-woman exam. Frankly, I thought I was going to remain clothed during the visit and was a bit surprised when we were led to an exam room and I was instructed to undress from the waist down. No harm done, of course -- I'm used to those appointments by now. And I don't have to worry about having another well-woman visit for a whole year, which is always good.

The checkup didn't take long and we did have a little bit of time to chat with the doctor. My main question that I wanted to ask was whether he thought that using Femara and Ovidrel was what made the difference for this pregnancy. Did it help our chances because we started with a really good egg? I had, of course, hoped that the answer would be yes. Unfortunately, his response was that we had either started with a really good egg... OR we had just gotten lucky this time.

Now, I know that you know that I attribute Lily's existence to God and His power. That won't ever change! I won't dwell on the whole matter of God or luck in this post because I think it's clear to you what I believe. And I don't think that the doctor was trying to discount that either. I think that, in his medical opinion, he simply can't determine medically whether the fertility meds aided in the success of our seventh pregnancy, or whether it was just the one that worked.

To be honest with you, it was the answer I feared. It would have been great to know that we could identify exactly what to do to increase our chances of another successful pregnancy. It would have been so reassuring to know that we had a solution -- a way to avoid going back to where we've been so many times in the past when we've gotten pregnant and lost the baby.

If/when we do try again, we will have to make the choice of either trying on our own or doing what we did last time. Either way, I know it will be in God's hands.

I'm thankful that we do have Lily. I'm grateful that God intervened and gave us a beautiful daughter to love here on earth. I'm confident that He knows what my future holds even when I feel scared to move forward.

And, no matter how it turns out, I'm relieved that I can trust Him instead of relying on luck.

Starting Again

I know you can read a lot into a title like that. No, it doesn't mean that we are trying to have a baby again. Not yet, anyway. I have no idea when that might be, but we would love to have another baby someday if the Lord should allow it to happen again. At this point, the thought of trying again still scares me.

Starting over is a tough thing. I've been thinking about it a lot this week for two reasons. First of all, last Sunday was cycle day one. That means that I got my period... for the first time since December 21, 2009. It was the start of my first cycle since the baby was born, and I'll admit it came as a bit of a surprise. I guess I wasn't completely shocked -- I am still nursing, but only about 3-4 times a day now that Lily is eating mostly baby food. I'd started feeling kind of crampy a couple of days before and wondered if maybe...? Then Sunday morning I woke up and there it was.

Starting again.

I had mixed feelings. Mostly I felt sad because it feels like my baby is growing so fast. But I also felt sad because of all that this monthly visitor signifies. It reminds me of months and years of heartache and disappointments. And in a way it means that my "time off" from not obsessing over infertility/miscarriage is over. Having a break from that has been... wonderful. It has been incredibly healing for my heart that the subject hasn't been at the forefront of my mind for the past year and a half. It's not that I haven't worried. Oh, I have. Being pregnant after six miscarriages was absolutely not worry-free for me. Once the baby was here, though, I was able to focus all of my energy on taking care of her, and that's what I've done for the past eight months. That's what I'll continue to do, of course, but now I feel those questions and concerns creeping back in.

The other reason that starting over has been on my mind is that we have an appointment with our RE (our fertility specialist, Dr. G) this week. We haven't seen him since the end of my first trimester with Lily. We were supposed to schedule a visit with him when she was about 3 months old, but it just never happened. Her 3-month mark was right around Christmas and time just got away from us, so here we are 5 months later, finally making the appointment. I really don't even know what to expect from this visit or what we'll discuss. It's not that I feel pressure to jump right in to trying again or anything like that. I'm fully aware that the ball is in our court here. The only pressure I feel right now is time. I know that if we do have another baby, it's best to try sooner rather than later. Certainly I realize that having this appointment doesn't mean we have to start that timeline immediately.

And maybe it sounds funny, but I even feel kinda ridiculous talking about having another baby sometimes. Not because we don't want it. We really, really do. We talk about it often and imagine it regularly. A sibling for Lily...

Still I can't forget that it took six babies in heaven before we ever had one to keep on earth. What might it take to have a second? Will we have to go through loss again before we have another successful pregnancy? And like the last time, I know that we won't know those answers until we try. That's the scary part.

But like the last time, and every time before, I'm trusting the Lord. He knows IF and WHEN and HOW. Those are the big things that I wonder when I entertain thoughts of having another baby -- If it will even happen at all, and if so, when? More importantly, how?

I don't know what the next steps are right now. I don't know what starting again will look like or whether I'm even ready to think about it yet. For now I just want to be right here where I am, looking back on how far we've come and enjoying the here and now.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Thirteen years married, and so much has happened since our wedding day. Those 13 years include 6 years of recurrent pregnancy loss followed by 3 years of infertility. And finally now, almost a whole year of parenthood. I feel so fortunate to have this man that God gave me walking beside me through all of it.

Happy anniversary to the sweetest, kindest, funniest, and most supportive man I know!