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Thursday, October 15, 2009

Day of Remembrance


Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. While I think it is important to have a day set aside to remember and to spread awareness, I know that we all remember our babies every single day.

Over the last eight years, my heart has been divided into six tiny pieces.

I remember every time I see an ultrasound picture or a pregnant woman. I remember with every Christmas, New Year, Easter, Thanksgiving, and Halloween. I remember every time my nephews start a new year of school. I remember on any given day, when I realize how quiet the house is when I'm alone. And I remember every time my heart is broken when I hear about a friend going through this same pain.

It doesn't take much to remind me of the six babies that I've lost to early miscarriage. But the most solid, tangible reminder is the tree that grows in our backyard. We planted the small Bradford Pear in 2002, a few weeks after our first miscarriage.


The tree serves as a reminder in many ways. It reminds us of that first loss, right after we bought this house with the spacious back yard. Every few months we plant flowers around the base of the tree, in memory of that first baby and each of the ones that followed. We never planted any other trees there. This tree reminds us of each loss.


Each year when the seasons change, the leaves change color and eventually fall.


The tree stands completely bare for a few months, but every spring, without fail, there is new life. There are buds and tiny white flowers and bright green new leaves.

Above all, there is growth. When I look back at pictures, I'm always amazed by how much the tree has grown over the years. We don't always notice it because we see it every day, but little by little it has grown taller and stronger. We, too, have grown stronger little by little.

Last month, my husband spent an afternoon working on the flower bed. He removed the old bricks, measured and cut some wooden beams, and expanded the area, adding new soil and flowers. He had been sick all week and he came back inside exhausted and drenched with sweat, but I could tell by the look on his face that it was a labor of love.


Our tree reminds us of so many things: life, death, love, loss, grief, faith, hope, renewal, strength, growth, and God's provision. Each time we look at it, we remember.


Every day, we remember.

16 comments:

Sunny said...

Stacey, this was a precious post. Hugs to you. You wanna know something...I've never even given myself that much room to consider that I've had a loss. I've never thought I belonged to this day. Is that weird? I was thinking of it earlier after reading Bring The Rain (blog). It's so painful to look back on the loss. Maybe I've just avoided it. I love that you did something physical as a reminder - Bradford Pear trees are awesome. Love the way they change in the fall. I'm glad it is your reminder of all of those things.

Michelle said...

I am remembering with you! I am sorry for your losses. The tree is beautiful!

Alicia said...

Stacey I'm so sorry for your loss. It warms my heart to think that you planted this tree to remember your babies and to honor their memory. Thanks for sharing this beautiful post.

Connie said...

Absolutely beautiful! Remembering too...

Rebekah said...

I'm thinking of you today and all 6 of your precious babies.

For Sunny I remember one of the shirts that someone made to wear to the walk to remember I attended last year had a quote that has stuck with me- "A person's a person, no matter how small." Dr. Suess- no matter how early your loss was it is just as deeply a loss.

Peace & love to you!

Life In Mazes said...

You were able to put into words some of the same thoughts that went through my mind today.
We remember everyday. Saying a prayer for you and your husband and your six little ones. God bless you!

entrusted said...

Remembering your babies with you today...

::andreajennine::

Kathryn said...

I agree that we remember every day. I actually kind of have a hard time with this day. Tomorrow (the 16th) is the 4th anniversary of when we lost our only confirmed pregnancy. (I believe there have been 2 others.) It is hard, every day, hard.

Sending you hugs & love.

Lauren said...

I love this post - you are so dear to me. Praying for you and sending you a hug.

Allison said...

That is a beautiful tree to pay honor to your babies.

I am thinking of you on this day.
(((hugs & prayers)))

Sharon said...

We'll never forget!

Michelle said...

i NOMINATED YOU FOR AN AWARD.

Charisa said...

Remembering with you both. Love and hugs.

Jenn said...

Beautiful and Touching.

twondra said...

what a wonderful post Stacey. And so great that you planted that tree. I think of you often and think of your 6 precious babies. (((HUGS)))

Melody said...

Wow, this is amazing. I love this idea so much. I am praying that the Lord will bring you a child soon. I can't help but picture him or her running circles around this tree representing such pain and loss.