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Friday, September 18, 2009

In The Closet

Recently I showed you one of our guest rooms that we'd been working in to install crown molding. I mentioned that the room was intended to be our nursery when we bought our home. I was in the beginning of my first pregnancy then, and I had no idea what was around the corner for the next several years. Before we ever moved in, I miscarried.

With the next pregnancy I had a glimmer of hope that everything would be alright, but when it turned out so much like the first, we realized we may be dealing with a real problem. We began our search for answers and we had four more planned pregnancies over the next four years -- each one after tests and surgeries and medications that we hoped would make a difference. Each time, we hoped. We allowed ourselves to plan and to dream, if only a little bit. Each time that we got good test results or saw progress on an ultrasound, we let that hope take root and begin to grow.

Sometimes we would buy things. Things for our baby. We never bought a crib or a changing table or even a package of diapers, but occasionally we would see an outfit that was too cute to pass up. We picked up a few really cute and incredibly soft stuffed toys. I love children's books, so we have quite a little collection of some of my favorites. We were given a few things as gifts as well, from family members who hoped with us.

For a long time, I had the baby clothes hanging in the closet of that bedroom, on those cute little baby clothes hangers. After a few years and much grief and many tears, I finally folded them up and put them in boxes. The two boxes remain in the closet, up on the highest shelf. I also have a bag of maternity clothes passed down from my sister that I probably couldn't fit into right now in my non-pregnant state. Sometimes I wonder if the maternity clothes and even the baby clothes we bought, some as many as seven years ago, have gone out of style. Babies are probably wearing much cooler clothes these days. And I know that expectant mothers are. Even the young, hip, and stylish pregnant woman in jeans on the cover of the current edition of What to Expect When You're Expecting looks like she could run circles around the tired, house-dress-clad mom-to-be on the cover of my older copy.


Just last weekend I was doing a bit of reorganizing in that closet, as we do store other things in there besides baby stuff. I came across a shopping bag with two items in it that I think I purchased during or around our last pregnancy. Until I found the bag, I had pretty much forgotten about these little outfits, one for a boy and one for a girl, and very much a reflection of the two of us.


I feel like a lot has changed since I started trying to have a baby. I've changed, too. But in a basket of baby-name and breastfeeding books, I also found a list of names that I used to like for boys and for girls. I'd written them down during one of the pregnancies, in what was probably a very hopeful time. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they really hadn't changed. I still like those names, and I would still consider those same names if we had the chance to hope again.

But back it all went into the closet again, along with my hope, for how long I don't know.

26 comments:

Jenn said...

Okay, I am so excited that I'm finally the first one to post a comment! What an acoomplishment huh??
Your post was rather sad today and my heart aches for your mommy arms to hold your precious little babies. When I saw those sweet little baby outfits, I prayed for the Lord to fill those outfits with your babies and very soon!

Jenn said...

Okay, I'm so embarrassed. As I'm re-reading my post, I have spelled accomplishment wrong. It was a complete typo because I am a great speller!

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Hi Stacey,

a friend of mine directed me to your blog because we share the same "MTHFR" diagnosis.
I am so sorry to read on your sidebar about your losses. I recently found a Reproductive Immunologist who treats MTHFR very seriously, and it was discovered that due to this clotting factor, I had ZERO blood flow to my implantation zone!! (I have never been pg, but now I know I've just never implanted!)

Anyway, you can read more about my story on my blog, but I thought I should pass this along because it sounds like you need a good Dr to give you a protocol that will help you get and STAY pg. Dr. Kwak-Kim has an amazing track record :)

God Bless,

TCIE

A said...

My heart goes out to you and your little ones who aren't here with you now. I know they are looking upon you with great love and appreciation for what a thoughtful mom you are!! I pray you will get to bring the boxes out of the closet soon.

~ Katie ~ said...

Like always, your post hits the spot- so to speak. Actually, I am still tearing up. I bought my first outfit in 2003- a blue hat and matching socks- because I really wanted a boy. I wasn't married, dating or even trying..but I thought that by buying those 2 little items, I would be showing God how much faith I had in Him answering my prayers. I am grateful that I did not have to experience miscarriage, but on the other- I'm sad that I didn't even get a chance to know what it was like to have someone growing inside of me- even if it were for just a little while. I have countless numbers of pregnancy books, even one for expecting twins- all useless, but I can't bear to part from them. I plan on using our nursery for my furbaby, Marlee, when she has her babies- and I plan for all those little puppies to sleep with me :)

One day, our dreams of becoming a mommy will come- I have to keep believing that; otherwise, I have nothing left to hope for.

HUGS

prayerfuljourney said...

This post was so sweet...I too have some baby things stored in a closet. They are not in the way..so I keep them. GOd only knows what is in store for our futures...so I leave them there incase we adopt or we have our own baby. Many blessings to you as you wait in joyful hope.

Sunny said...

Stacey, my hope and prayer for you is that you will step back in to active pursuit of your dream. God hasn't given up on you and I don't want to see you give up on yourself. I know, as I do with myself, you hold blame for not being able to fulfill this for yourself or your husband or your family. I think the post by TCIE may have been something more than just a comment on your blog today. May be it was meant to be hope...or even direction. I lift you up today to search deep within the heart of the Father for what is the next step. He's not finished with you yet, even as it comes to having kids.

Kathryn said...

I hate to share that i have given away all the darling things for our hoped for. Perhaps children will come into our (my husband & my) lives in another fashion.

I continue to hope & pray it comes to you. You're young enough that it could yet happen.

Connie said...

My heart aches each time I take a peek in that closet. I love you so much and pray that your hope will be renewed and that God will give you strength to press on toward the goal!

Rebekah said...

We put an offer in on our house the day we found out Levi's heart was no longer beating, so while the room has never been set up as a nursery it's still always been the nursery in my mind. I keep going back & forth about purchasing baby stuff this time around... I know that chances are things will be ok but still... boxing things up again isn't something I want to have to do.
On a lighter note, I got a chuckle out of your book covers. I have the older version too. :)

Amy @ Experience Imagination said...

Having received a LOT of hand-me-down baby clothes, let me assure you, no matter what the latest style in baby fashions may be, babies will always look cute in anything.

I pray that you will be able to see this on your own little one soon enough. In the meanwhile, I ask that God will send you peace and joy as great as you have ever known.

With hugs from far away!

Mrs. Proper said...

I'm thinking of you! I'm so sorry you are going through this right now...
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
~Michelle

Michelle said...

Hey Stacey,
The comment from Mrs. Proper is from me! DUH! I was working on my school blog and forgot to log out and re-log in before checking in with my girls!! Love ya!
~Michelle

Rebecca said...

As I read your post, I walked through our nursery closet. I have no outfits - but I do have a few quilts handed down to me. I also have my leftover fertility medications from the previous IVF cycle. It gets emotionally prickly just opening that door. I am sad for you.

Sitting with you while you wait...

twondra said...

Oh sweetie, this post brought tears to my eyes. I feel so much for you, hon. I wish I could take away the pain.

Just don't give up on hope. It's the one thing we have in this journey that can never be taken away.

Love you girl!!

Indy said...

I pray for you and another IF blogger friend. I believe whole heartedly that God wants to give you the desires of your heart. I don't know how or when it will happen but I know that God is a sovereign.

Waiting with you for the Lord to fill our womb and give us those babies we so desperately desire.

My hubby told me that maybe God is making us wait because when those babies come, they are going to be really loved. May this thought encourage you.

In His love and service,
Indy

iamstacey said...

Oh, Stacey, I have those things,too! All the lost hope and the hurts ... I have that,too.

Sharon said...

Without hope there would be no point in continueing. When ones past has sadness & loss in it, then reflection on that makes us sad. I'm sorry Stacey, you sound sad today! (((hugs)))

Hear My Cry said...

Hugs

Abby said...

Stacey, I am so sorry things like this happen!! It's these little reminders that shatter our hopes and dreams. Please know that you are a true blessing and although you may not realize, your blog IS helping others in their struggles as well!!! Hang in there and DON'T clean out closets!!!

Renovation Girl said...

Just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and praying for you. It shouldn't have to be this way...

Vicki said...

Hi Stacey,

Read your blog today, and I was moved by what you wrote. I have dealt with infertility for nearly 20 years now, and can so relate with what you have gone through. I have a blog too!
http://awomanwithoutchildren.wordpress.com/

Praying for the Lord's blessings in your life. I love the outlook you have on life, and pray that God will bless you and your husband immensely!

Michelle said...

I have a box in my closet too! For my first two pregnancies we ran out and bought things. My bought things...never to be used as of yet. No clothes but a lot of other things. It makes me sad when i see that box. But I do have names that I have never waivered on. Hopefully I won't, at least for the boy because I would not let my sister name her boy that name because it was mine and I need to have something...right?

Thinking of you and sending hugs!

Melody said...

Stacey,
Just wanted you to know that I was deeply touched by this post. I've been reading your blog for a while now and have been so encouraged by your strong faith. This is such hard stuff you are dealing with and the natural thing to do is to protect yourself by being reluctant to hope again for what you really desire. I don't think that makes your faith weak or anything else. It's hard to experience the dark night of the soul, as John of the Cross put it. It does change us. But the hope is in the fact that God does have a plan and He is working it out even right now. And even when you know that in your head and heart it's just still flat out hard. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am praying for you.

Becky said...

Hi Stacey, I am tearing up as I read this post again the second time just as I was the first time. I wanted to think about it before commenting, but then due to a major computer problem, I am just now getting back to it. I too have a closet, not with clothes - it was too painful to keep them - but with a quilt and some stuffed animals.

There is no one who I cry out to God on behalf of more than I do you. I pray for you all the time and I so hope you find hope again. And I hope and pray you are able to bring those adorable outfits out of the closet very soon.

Also, I really like what Sunny said about stepping back into active pursuit of your dream.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Hi sweetie. This is an absolutely beautiful post. My heart is aching for you, for many reasons. I love how honest the post is and vulnerable. I am constantly praying for you and thinking of you in the hopes that one day you will also get to hold a precious little one in your arms. MUCH love. xoxo