Thursday, March 26, 2009

More On Getting It Right

Yesterday I wrote a post called "Getting It Right." Inspired by an email I'd received from a friend, it was about those precious times when we feel loved and cared for during difficult times. While the topic is still fresh, I want to say a few more things about getting it right. You see, sometimes I fear that people in my life may feel too much pressure to "say the right thing" or be absolutely perfect in showing their support. Because of all of the times that I've spoken about and written about hearing the wrong thing, I worry that it may be partly my fault.

Today I simply want to say that it really doesn't take much to reach out to a hurting friend. I don't want to encourage the idea that it is nearly impossible to get it just right. Sometimes the smallest gestures touch my heart the most, and that is the message I hope to get across. I mean it when I say that if you have ever called me up to ask how my day was when you know I'm struggling, or sent a heartfelt note after hearing of a loss, or lifted me up in prayer, rest assured that you have gotten it right! I've said this before, but I don't share the link to this blog with all of my real-life friends. If I have shared it, though, it means that I trust you. The fact that you read it shows me that you care.

Being part of a community of bloggers who share in the experience of infertility and loss is also a huge source of support for me. Yesterday I received some fantastic comments on the blog from a combination of real-life friends and blog friends, and I am so grateful. I thank you for choosing to walk this road along with me and allowing me to share in your journey as well. Thanks for the great comments and stories about people who reach out to you!

To sum up, my point is this: "Getting it right" doesn't mean you have to know the right thing to say and how and when to say it. It just means sincerity, compassion, love, and friendship. That's really it. One comment yesterday praised a friend who treats her like normal instead of like a "two-headed infertility monster." That's a great example. Like any other problem, struggle, or illness, a person going through infertility needs to know that there is concern for what we are going through, but we don't want to be defined by this issue. A friend who cares and gets it right won't ignore it, they won't try to fix it, and they'll know that sometimes you want to talk about it and sometimes you'd rather forget about it. Thankfully I have a family that always receives me with open arms, and I am so thankful for my dear friends who have children and treat me like normal.

I just want to leave you with the idea that getting it right is not an exact science. There are a lot of ways to go about doing it, but it always involves a heart that cares. How you wish to show that is up to you. I feel sure that if you care, your friend will know and you'll almost always get it right!

Thanks, friends. I love you guys.


Kathryn said...

I haven't words to say to this one. You are on target every time. Thank you.

Connie said...

PHEW! Thanks for posting that, Stace. Love you bunches!

Joy said...

I didn't get to read the post you're referring to yet but just wanted to say I agree wholeheartedly! After my last miscarriage a perfect stranger sent me a card with Scripture and such heartfelt love. I couldn't believe it. I carried that card with me for days afterwards.

I'm also relieved to see this post because almost every infertile person's blog I follow this is one of their deepest wounds- people not saying the right things! It always puts me on edge, even though I've been right there with them!!!

Amy said...

Stacey, I know we are bloggy/email/facebook friends, but you have gotten it right over and over again. I think you know what to say and when to say it.
Thank you for speaking so well for those of us who haven't found the words to put to our feelings. Thanks for getting it right in my life. :)

Amy said...


Your heart shows how wonderfully you have managed your hurt. Your support shows the truest strength of God's love in your life. Your responses to others even through a hurting time shows that we can all "Get it Right" even when we don't feel "right".

Your fearless shows of love and support have been a blessing to my life. You just are so much more than you will ever know. An angel in the midst of this infertility whirlwind that so many of us have suffered through and are still in.

Your words not only encourage, they give voice to feelings that sometimes there are no words for.


twondra said...

You always hit it right on the mark. You're just so awesome girl. :) Love ya!

Renovation Girl said...

A year or two ago, a family friend who has been trying for 10+ years to get pregnant miscarried towards the end of her 4th month. I asked her brother if it would be okay if I sent a card. He said, "No. She doesn't really like to talk about it." I struggled with what to do...perhaps she really didn't want to talk about it. Looking back, I made a wrong choice by NOT sending anything. Those who do not struggle with infertility assume we want to ignore it, when all we could use is a little compassion.

So, this year, a friend of my sister had a surprise pregnancy (after years of infertility) only to lose the pregnancy a few weeks later-she's 41. This time, I sent an email to her and the response was amazing. She wanted to talk because I knew what she was going through.

Great two posts...thank you for these sentiments and reminding us of such important things!

Samantha said...

Thanks for the comments on my blog, I apprecitae what you said. It means so much to me that you care. I will remember you in my prayers, I know that you have endured many hard things and I pray the Lord gives you the strength that you need.

kirke said...

I think it's so hard to say the right thing. I fail constantly. Because of this, I always give people the benefit when they say awkward things to be when trying to be comforting.

I think your post today was very thought provoking.

Becky said...

I have found that the people who are most concerned that they haven't said or done the right thing are often the people in my life that have gotten it right. I remember running into a friend at the doctor's office just after my m/c. She simply gave me a hug and told me she loved me. I found out later that she had expressed concern to a mutual friend that her response was inadequate. The funny thing was, I remember thinking at the time that her response was the best response I had received from any real life friends. I think it is just as you said, "Sometimes the smallest gestures touch my heart the most,..."

Michelle said...

I agree and that was beautifully stated!