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Saturday, March 31, 2012

I Don't Know Why

Sometimes I find myself wondering about why things have gone the way they have on my fertility journey. Not that it's necessarily important for me to know all of the "whys" and such, but I can't help but wonder, you know?

I don't know why the years that I thought would be my young, child-bearing years (namely, my twenties) were fraught with so much difficulty. I never imagined that almost that entire decade of my life would be spent searching for answers and wondering why I couldn't carry a baby full-term. I don't know why, but my faith, my ability to hope, and my resolve were tested in ways that I'll never forget. I saw six positive pregnancy tests during those years but never gave birth to a living baby. I still have a lot of scars from that time in my life, both physical and emotional.

I don't know why, during that time, we had a few doctors who gave up on us. One fertility specialist shook her head in disbelief when an ultrasound revealed that our baby had died in the womb at 9 weeks. It was our fourth pregnancy and it had been going well. She said she didn't know how to help us anymore. Another doctor, my ob/gyn at the time, told me (over the phone, no less) that she didn't think I would ever have a biological child.

I was reading a novel recently where one of the characters was talking about an aunt and uncle who had never had children. She described them as having a closeness that only barren couples seem to have. I don't know why, but we were that couple. My husband became my best friend during those years, and the trial of recurrent pregnancy loss brought us together in a way that I don't think anything else could have. For all we knew, we were facing a future together, just the two of us, that may not ever include children. I think we both deeply felt that somehow, someday we would become parents, but there were many years of uncertainty. I do feel fortunate now, looking back, that we had 12 years of marriage together before our daughter arrived. During those years we grew and changed and matured in ways that I hope make us better parents than we might have been a decade ago.

After I turned 30, we faced three years of unexplained infertility. Sure, I was apprehensive about getting pregnant again after all that my twenties had held, but we had begun to hope again and were forced to wait. And I don't know why, after the waiting was over, our seventh pregnancy made it to the second trimester and then the third, and resulted in the birth of our precious daughter. The Lord changed my story in 2010, when I was 33 years old. I don't know why that was the right time, but I'm so thankful that it happened.

And now we are in the early stages of pregnancy number eight. I struggled with whether or not to write about it here before reminding myself that that's what this blog is for. It's really the only place I feel most comfortable sharing my deepest fears and my unbridled hopes. This is always, always a scary time for me. I'm asking you to walk with me again, if you're willing. Will you wait with me and pray for me? Will you pray with me that this baby will survive and hope with me that, instead of being our seventh in heaven, this will be our second baby on earth?

The details are that I got a positive pregnancy test on Sunday, March 25. I went in for blood work the following Tuesday, March 27. My beta level was 1384, so we had our first ultrasound scheduled for Thursday, March 29. We were able to see a gestational sac and it measured normally for 5 weeks, 1 day. My estimated due date is November 27, 2012. We will have another ultrasound in two weeks, on April 12. I'm hoping with all my heart that we will see a tiny baby with a healthy heartbeat.

We are a bit surprised, but very happy and very nervous. The fact that our most recent pregnancy was successful gives us a boost of confidence, but we know that each pregnancy is unique and different. We know there are no guarantees. We are not remotely ready to make any announcements, so please if you know me in real life or are my facebook friend, please keep this to yourself and don't share it with anyone else until we are comfortable enough to make it more public. Thanks for being understanding and for choosing to walk beside us again. I hope you know how much it means to us to have your support and prayers!

I don't know why we've been given another chance at this, but (deep breath)... here we are.

25 comments:

beth ewing said...

OMG! Congrats girl! That is amazing news. I'll be praying and hoping alongside you. Can't wait until April 12th to see a beautiful beating heart.

Connie said...

I always have and always will be right by your side! Praying with all of my heart and counting the days! I live you! XOXO

andreajennine said...

What joyful (though nerve-inducing, I know) news! Praying...

twondra said...

OY MY GOSH!!!!! Tears of joy my sweet friend!!! Soooo happy for you! Love you!

Babydreams2011 said...

I've been reading your blog for quite a while now and I prayed and cried over many posts.. I am THRILLED to pray for you once again!!! We have been thru years of infertility and heartbreak and we too are in the early stages of a successful pregnancy! You are due just 4 days after our surrogate (our sis in law!) is so we are probably feeling a lot of the same emotions right now.. I will continue to pray that God covers your family in His protection and your little one arrives safely in 8.5 months!

Becky said...

Oh Stacey!!! Big happy tears for you right now. This is wonderful news!!! I am absolutely thrilled for you. I will be covering you and your little one in prayer.

"A closeness only barren couples have" - John and I were just talking this morning about the fact that for us marriage doesn't seem as hard as we often hear other people say it is. I think this is the reason; we became best friends in those years of waiting and as a result there is a closeness that we may not have had otherwise.

Dan & Hillary said...

Oh wow!!! Won't post anything but this will be an exciting Christmas for you. I know as RPL'ers we find pregnancy nerve-wracking, but I will pray peace from God for you.

Amber said...

Congrats so excited for you!

Jo said...

Wow STacey that is amazing news. I actually read that part of your entry too fast and was like..HUH? Did she just say she was in the early stages of pregnancy number 8???" lol. As always you are in my prayers and I am thrilled you have let us in on this so we can wait it out with you. Lots of love from Australia xo

Renovation Girl said...

Oh wow, so funny, because I was going to email you to tell you I was pregnant. (Due 11/18, but unfortunately, things aren't going well on our end.) I will pray that your journey is an easy one from trimester to trimester. You've been through too much already. You're due for this break! So happy for you!

Amy said...

STACEY!! I was just reading along, and my eyes are tired and everything looks fuzzy on the computer tonight, and I totally did a double-take on that one!! What wonderful news! I know the mixed emotions that come along with each pregnancy, the joy, the apprehension. We will all just be trusting God with you, that your years of waiting are over and that this baby will grow inside you perfectly! Love you!

belle said...

praying!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi said...

Praying for this precious little one and his or her Mom and Dad and Big Sister. Thanks for sharing. You know I'll be thinking of you and praying often.

Ro-bear said...

Congrats! I and my family will be praying for you, Chuck, Lily, and the baby.

Anonymous said...

I don't remember how I stumbled on your blog, only that I have been reading since before you were pregnant your LO. It is so touching to read this now, as we have been trying to conceive for almost a year and a half. I am so happy that you have this chance to give her a little brother or sister, and I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for sharing and for continuing to write!

Boyd's Thirty-One Gifts said...

PTL, certainly praying. CONGRATS!

Hope in Virginia said...

Oh my goodness! What joyful news! Please know that you'll be in my prayers! Also, I have to echo what you said about infertility struggles bringing you closer with your husband. I am actually grateful that we had to struggle to have a child because I believe it was God's way of strengthening our marriage.

Lexi said...

That is wonderful news, Stacey!! I will be praying for you and hoping with you. ~Lexi

Jenn said...

Well, I am elated but I know that you probably have not allowed yourself to be overjoyed. Yes, I will definitely be praying for you and Chuck. This verse just "popped" into my mind..."I am confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living", Psalms 27:13. Much prayer going forth!!!!

Deni said...

Holy Monkey!!! I'm so happy for you!!!!!!!! Seriously! I know you're still going to be scared and you're still going to wonder and worry and there are no guarantees, but my sweet friend, I'm praying for you, and your fabulous husband and baby girl, to bring home a fourth member to your house in November!!!! Oh YEA!!!!

Aubrey said...

Congratulations! I know there is a tempered excitement that comes with a positive test when you've lost babies before, but I'll be praying for that little bean to grow and develop and be healthy.

Lea said...

So happy that I checked your blog. The last time I checked was several months ago as I was experiencing my second miscarriage and I found such comfort in your words. You will definitely be in my prayers. God is good!

Jennifer said...

Oh Stacey, I'm so happy! I'm praying for peace for you right now. Also praying and will keep on praying that this little one grows and grows! Much love.

Birdie said...

Oh wow, I am just reading this!! I am praying for you, friend!

The Sherrill Family said...

This post makes me so happy! Yeah!! xoxo