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Sunday, January 8, 2012

2012

Here we are, one week into another new year.

Before we had Lily, New Year's was always one of the most difficult times for me. Sure, I guess that somewhere deep down there was just a smidge of hope that it might be our year to have a baby. But honestly, as the years passed, that hope for me had begun to shrivel and shrink until it was almost completely unrecognizable. It had become a challenge to face another year that may contain yet another miscarriage and even more heartache and longing.

As this new year approached, about two weeks before Christmas I found myself in a familiar place -- my bathroom, waiting for the results of a home pregnancy test. (It was negative.) It wasn't the kind of situation where we'd been planning and trying and scheduling doctor visits, and now today was the day to test. Instead, it was more of a wait-a-minute-I'm-several-days-late kind of situation, one where I thought that maybe, just maybe, there could be a baby there without all the stress and worry and agony over what might happen if we tried again, and without all of the dates and schedules and medicines. I thought there could be a slim chance, so I did something I hadn't done in almost two years. In fact, I hadn't done it since January 20, 2010 -- the day we found out I was pregnant for the seventh time and the pregnancy that gave us our take-home baby.

So, I woke up that morning and opened a fresh box of pregnancy tests and waited to see if my world was about to change in one way or another. It didn't.

And I was disappointed. But instead of letting it overwhelm me, I scooped up my toddler and went to the kitchen to feed her some breakfast and tried to carry on with our daily routine. During the next week I waited for that confirmation to come but it didn't, so I took another test a week later just to be sure. Still negative. Just two days before the new year -- a new cycle. A fresh start, so to speak.

And so 2012 began for me in a way that was familiar but not necessarily welcomed. It would have been a wonderful, amazing surprise, but I'm not despairing. As for trying again, we're trying not to stress about it. For right now, it would be wonderful if it happened, but we're not letting it consume our thoughts. We're just living in a place where we want to be content with where we are, with our family of three, but we're still allowing ourselves to dream that the Lord may give us another child.

We're hoping. We're trusting. And we're following His plan for our family in 2012.

7 comments:

Amazing Life said...

Hoping with you that God will bless Lily with a sibling to play with and grow with ;)

You two are wonderful parents and so grateful to know you and be your friend! Sorry for the disappointment, but isn't it refreshing that it is not overwhelming grief? Praise God for healed hearts!

Sharon said...

Happy new year Stacey! Hope that 2012 see's all your hopes and dreams realized.
As you know, we too are waiting on God in the hope that he will provide us a sibling for Ava.
May 2012 see this realized for us both!
xxx

Connie said...

XOXO

Birdie said...

I have already been thinking about another baby in the future. It's a lot to think about. But, you & I both know that the Lord has already blessed us with a miracle baby, and He can do it again!!! I'm so hopeful for you!!

Renovation Girl said...

Sigh...this speaks to my heart...I know how this feels. Please don't ever let anyone make you feel that you can't be sad/disappointed/whatever because "you already have a child." Remember that no matter what the future brings, we'll be right here walking the journey with you.

twondra said...

Sending you tons & tons of hugs sweetie

Jennifer said...

ugh...i'm so sorry! i know that feeling all too well. i did the very same thing the beginning of january...thinking that just maybe, we might have a miracle. it stinks! while i never got the positive pregnancy test, i do have the baby. well, she's more of a toddler these days too. i feel like she might be our only one. adoption is just so expensive and that just sucks! if ellie is all we ever have then i will certainly thank god for her ever single day. she is our treasure! i can't help but wish for another though. but for now, i too am so very thankful for our girl!