Sunday, June 5, 2011

Starting Again

I know you can read a lot into a title like that. No, it doesn't mean that we are trying to have a baby again. Not yet, anyway. I have no idea when that might be, but we would love to have another baby someday if the Lord should allow it to happen again. At this point, the thought of trying again still scares me.

Starting over is a tough thing. I've been thinking about it a lot this week for two reasons. First of all, last Sunday was cycle day one. That means that I got my period... for the first time since December 21, 2009. It was the start of my first cycle since the baby was born, and I'll admit it came as a bit of a surprise. I guess I wasn't completely shocked -- I am still nursing, but only about 3-4 times a day now that Lily is eating mostly baby food. I'd started feeling kind of crampy a couple of days before and wondered if maybe...? Then Sunday morning I woke up and there it was.

Starting again.

I had mixed feelings. Mostly I felt sad because it feels like my baby is growing so fast. But I also felt sad because of all that this monthly visitor signifies. It reminds me of months and years of heartache and disappointments. And in a way it means that my "time off" from not obsessing over infertility/miscarriage is over. Having a break from that has been... wonderful. It has been incredibly healing for my heart that the subject hasn't been at the forefront of my mind for the past year and a half. It's not that I haven't worried. Oh, I have. Being pregnant after six miscarriages was absolutely not worry-free for me. Once the baby was here, though, I was able to focus all of my energy on taking care of her, and that's what I've done for the past eight months. That's what I'll continue to do, of course, but now I feel those questions and concerns creeping back in.

The other reason that starting over has been on my mind is that we have an appointment with our RE (our fertility specialist, Dr. G) this week. We haven't seen him since the end of my first trimester with Lily. We were supposed to schedule a visit with him when she was about 3 months old, but it just never happened. Her 3-month mark was right around Christmas and time just got away from us, so here we are 5 months later, finally making the appointment. I really don't even know what to expect from this visit or what we'll discuss. It's not that I feel pressure to jump right in to trying again or anything like that. I'm fully aware that the ball is in our court here. The only pressure I feel right now is time. I know that if we do have another baby, it's best to try sooner rather than later. Certainly I realize that having this appointment doesn't mean we have to start that timeline immediately.

And maybe it sounds funny, but I even feel kinda ridiculous talking about having another baby sometimes. Not because we don't want it. We really, really do. We talk about it often and imagine it regularly. A sibling for Lily...

Still I can't forget that it took six babies in heaven before we ever had one to keep on earth. What might it take to have a second? Will we have to go through loss again before we have another successful pregnancy? And like the last time, I know that we won't know those answers until we try. That's the scary part.

But like the last time, and every time before, I'm trusting the Lord. He knows IF and WHEN and HOW. Those are the big things that I wonder when I entertain thoughts of having another baby -- If it will even happen at all, and if so, when? More importantly, how?

I don't know what the next steps are right now. I don't know what starting again will look like or whether I'm even ready to think about it yet. For now I just want to be right here where I am, looking back on how far we've come and enjoying the here and now.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Thirteen years married, and so much has happened since our wedding day. Those 13 years include 6 years of recurrent pregnancy loss followed by 3 years of infertility. And finally now, almost a whole year of parenthood. I feel so fortunate to have this man that God gave me walking beside me through all of it.

Happy anniversary to the sweetest, kindest, funniest, and most supportive man I know!


Jo said...

Stacey - thanks a million for writing this post. I related to every single word you said (except that my wedding anniversary is not tomorrow lol). It is really hard to look at all the TTC stuff/what you went through etc and think "yep I'd love to go back there again". Sometimes I find as well that people who have not been in the same position even make us feel crazy or greedy or selfish for wanting to put ourselves back in that position. It is also funny how every little milestone and every little event like getting your period or packing up your child's onesies when they dont fit anymore, can put you back into that " grieving" frame of mind. You sit there and feel sad because you wonder will i ever get the oppurtunity to get these onesies out again or is it over? Thanks again for writing this. I often have these thoughts and I wonder if I am overdramatic so its nice to know im not the only one. Love and hugs to you! Jo

Amazing Life said...

I am dealing with those same thoughts these days, at the same time it seems foreign to me when people just talk to me like I am fertile. My doctor the other day asked me "So, when do you want to have another baby?" I almost fell off th table. We are not ttc but we are still fully open to life. We hope for another baby too but so many fears come with that. I will keep you in my prayers and will ask God to be preent with yall at your appt.

twondra said...

Oh sweetie, I can't imagine the feelings you're feeling. What a roller coaster. You've been through so much.

Happy anniversary to one of the best and strongest couples I know!

Connie said...

Sure do love you guys! Know that we are here to support you 100% of the way! XOXO

Amy said...

I can imagine all of the wonderings you have right now. I feel like every time I see my family doc (whom I love), whether it is for me or one of the girls, she always asks if we plan to have another. I know she is just wanting to keep up with the future plans health-wise, and I know that time is marching on (ugh, 20-something girls have so much more time to think about these things), but we just don't know yet. It's hard to feel like you need to make some sort of decision before you know for sure.
Just keep trusting God. He knew what the picture of your family would look like since the beginning of time. Just ask Him to reveal it to you. And know that you are doing an awesome job with Lily! Happy anniversary!

Anonymous said...

We're getting ready to start again soon, so it's been on my mind, too! I'd love to take more time, to have a year or two with just Davie before trying again. But with 40 on the horizon, like you we figure sooner is better than later. It was my dream we'd be one of those lucky couples who spontaneously gets pregnant the second time, but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen. We're going straight to IVF, and I worry about that, too. It's hard sometimes to take a deep breath and trust Him and His time!

Anonymous said...

I love this post and your honesty. IF and loss brings up so much when it comes to the thought of a family. It's not fair and something that I wish nobody had to deal with. But you said it best with this....He knows IF and WHEN and HOW. That is something I hold tight to and find such comfort in. There is nothing I can do to make it any different because thankfully HE is in control!!!

Congrats on your anniversary - I hope you guys had a great day!!!

Anonymous said...

Happy Anniversary! Im another one who has had the same thoughts wondering what the sibling journey will end up with. Glad Im not the only one having those thoughts:)

Jenileigh said...

I've been away and it's so awesome to stop in and see that the Lord has blessed you with a child! Congratulations sweet friend!

Aubrey said...

What a great post. i can so identify with this feeling. After the years of miscarriage part of what I loved about being pregnant and then nursing was that I finally had a break from thinking about my cycle all the time. I have come to realize that having a baby doesn't mean that I am suddenly completely cured of my infertility. The pain is lessened, definitely, and it is different since now I having my sweet, laughing, cuddly son who hugs my legs and is learning how to give kisses. But as each month comes and my cycle returns just like it did before, i feel myself having those same feelings I did before. Sadness, frustration at my body, and worry that Judah might never have a sibling. i still have to choose and pray to trust in God's goodness.

Last month, I finally bought another box of ovulation predictor kits, but it still sits, unopened. I do want another baby, but part of me is just afraid to start all that again. i get weary just thinking about it.

Anyway.... Lily is beautiful. Just know that you are not alone in your struggles.

Indy said...

Praying for the Lord to complete his healing in your life and continue to use you to bless other women. I'm so very grateful for your life and the way you candidly share your heart with us. Thank you.