Wednesday, September 1, 2010


There are countless difficult things about going through recurrent pregnancy loss. One of them, and one that I always struggled with the most, was simply not knowing.

I can't count how many sleepless nights I spent wrestling with that very thing. How many more times will I get a positive pregnancy test and yet not bring home a baby? How many more times will we have to helplessly turn those little lives over to the Lord and let them go when we aren't ready? Will we ever be able to figure out why my body can't grow a baby, and if so, will it be something we can overcome or will we finally hit that brick wall (whether emotionally or medically) that means The End?

I used to beg the Lord to just show me a glimpse; to just let me know if it would happen one day. Please, Lord, just give me a picture of the future so I will know and be able to deal with it! If we were going to be parents someday, I wanted to know so I could keep on going and working toward that day. If we weren't, I wanted to be able to seek healing and move ahead with that knowledge. But He never did see fit to reveal that to me, of course. That was something I had to accept. I had to learn to find peace and move forward without knowing. And that is so hard sometimes -- the Not Knowing.

Another thing that is so very difficult is the waiting. This experience is chock full of hours, days, weeks, months, and years of waiting. If I didn't learn anything else at all, I certainly had to learn to wait. I waited for appointments, for test results, for proof that my babies were still alive, for my body to heal after a miscarriage, for my heart to begin to heal as I grieved, for the right time to try again after a loss... and I could go on and on. Lots and lots and lots of waiting.

And now here we are. September 2010.

September is here and I'm nine months pregnant. This is the month we've been waiting for since January. And we didn't know it, but it's the month we've been waiting for since we boarded this roller coaster in 2001. We had no way of knowing it then, but it's the month we've hoped and prayed for since our first positive pregnancy test in May of 2002.

May of 2002 to September of 2010. That has been the full gestational period of this dream of ours. Finally the Not Knowing and the Waiting will be wrapped up in just three more weeks. I have no idea if it marks the end of our journey with infertility and miscarriage. There's still some uncertainty about the future of our fertility, of course. I still don't know what the future holds, but for now I'm trying not to look beyond 20 days from now when our baby girl will be here.

Knowing the date is surreal. My due date is September 25, but we will see her on or before September 21. That's the scheduled date of the C-section: noon on September 21, unless she surprises us by coming sooner. We are counting down the days and there are only 20 left at the most! I have a visit with the OB tomorrow and I will see her only two more times before the big day. We are in the home stretch! I wake up every day knowing that Lily could come at any time now.

As we enter the final few weeks I find myself becoming more and more emotional. For the last couple of days it doesn't take much for me to have to wipe away tears. I may very well cry for the next 20 days and for a few months after that! My husband and I both feel overwhelmed and overcome with these days that we are living in now and the event that is finally on the horizon. I hope he won't mind me mentioning it, but he told me last weekend after we toured the hospital where Lily will be born that he had been fighting back tears. I had been so focused on the tour and asking my questions that I hadn't even noticed. We are both so grateful and so ready to meet this little one face to face. I think we got so accustomed to handling the grief and loss that now we are trying to figure out how to equip ourselves to deal with happiness, as crazy as that sounds!

Even as I write this now I realize how each day is full of happy news and sad news, of so many ups and downs in this life that we all face. Just today I cried tears of joy as I read blogs and saw the wonderful news of positive pregnancy tests and good ultrasound visits. A few hours later I heard that one of my most precious real-life friends had a miscarriage over the weekend, and I cried tears of sorrow for her and for her baby. Please, please keep this dear friend of mine in your prayers during this time.

And please know that even as we get ready to welcome our miracle girl, we are praying for those of you who may still be struggling with those familiar feelings of waiting and not knowing.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." Psalm 126:5-6


jennie said...

I understand exactly how you feel about always waiting and asking God for a sign. I have been on this IF journey for almost three years and it feels like it will never end. I can't imagine nine! You are such a inspiration to me stacy and i feel like God brought me to your blog for a reason. I feel so ready to give up this fight now. I pray and pray and i often feel like i mean nothing to God, like he does not hear my cries. It is wonderful to see that God does anserw those prayers even when it seems there is no end in sight. I don't know if i am strong enough to go through this journey as long as you have. I do know that this is certainly making me stronger even in my darkest hours. I will pray for you and your little one. I thank you for sharing your IF journey with the world and giving those of us still in it some hope. May God continue to bless you!

Von said...

I was in this place you are in 27 years ago.I hope it turns out as wonderfully for you as it did for me.

andreajennine said...

So excited for your September!

gg said...

so thankful that this month of joy is here for you guys. can't wait to meet her. love that verse and love you!

Jenn said...

Stacey, i'm so happy for you and Chuck that I can't even express it. I know this is a long awaited time but it's here and it's real. God chooses to deal w/each of us and our circumstances in different ways; the ways that are best for us. I too have been waiting for years and years and years for something specific. It's hard and it's painful and at times I want to give up, but for what? Give up and then what? I thank God that He is full of mercy and grace. Although our pains are different, you and your blog have helped me tremendously. God Bless your family! Love you :)

Amy said...

The first part of your post reminded me of a really good song by Andrew Peterson called "The Silence of God". It is so hard to understand the times that we are begging and pleading Him for an answer, and sometimes His answer IS His silence. It is what He is teaching us in the waiting. I am so glad that you stood in your faith in the waiting. I've known others who gave up their faith over much less, time-wise.

Have fun doing your countdown! You have endured much to get to this point, and girl, if you need to shed a few (or a lot of) tears over the next 20 (!) days, then you just do it. You can always blame your hormones, but we know it is so much more than that.

And remember, for all of us who read your blog who have experienced pregnancy loss, IF, etc., you have been used by God to offer words of hope, encouragement, and faith to us. Your journey has not only served a purpose in your life, but also in ours!!

Birdie said...

What a beautiful post, Stacey. I certainly understand the waiting. I'm so happy for you that you are now waiting for something wonderful!! :)
And I'm just curious, why do you have a scheduled c-section? I think you must have written about it before, but I can't remember the details!

DeniFay said...

Just love and prayers for a safe arrival of Miss Lily! Can't wait to see her sweet face, can't believe it's only 20 days--WOW!! Time flies and it drags all at the same time! Hugs sweet friend! I assume Lily will be too little, but I am going to Tech homecoming (Louisiana to be specific!!!) this year for the first time in at least 6 years!!! should be fun seeing old friends!!

Kathryn said...

Well, the knowing is hard.

I've wanted to be a mama since i was a tiny girl myself. At 18, with no one on the horizon, i prayed & cried & prayed that the Lord would give me a child, that i would know.

I did reach a point of peace where i felt the Lord said, "Yes, you will be a mama."

Technically that is true. I have one in heaven for sure, & 2 others i believe to be there, too. But no mama for me here.

The story behind this is long - & painful.

But the reality is when people talk about God speaking to them, i have to question my experience. Did i imagine it or make myself believe whatever it was i wanted to believe. Did God lie to me? What?

Because i choose to continue to love God & seek him, i walk away from this. But i don't want to think about it too much. I did believe that if i was just patient enough & "waited on the Lord" that it would happen for us.

Well, it is clear now that it won't.

Just saying that i've real issues with the waiting & the result & understand the sleepless nights, etc.

BUT, the joy of the internet is that i can see the results for you & others & share a little bit in your joy. :)

I don't remember, why are you having Lily via C-section?

Praying for you, dear, & your family. May God bring all good things to you. :)

Becky said...

Stacey, I absolutely cannot wait for this day to come! I am thrilled for you guys and am so looking forward to seeing pictures of Lily. Know that I am keeping you in prayer for a wonderful rest of your pregnancy and a smooth, healthy delivery.

Jennifer said...

Oh Stacey, I'm so glad September is finally here! I can't imagine the excitement you are feeling right now. Can't wait to "meet" your baby girl. Will keep praying for you and your little darlin'!!

Connie said...

I cannot wait to hold that sweet baby girl in my arms! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!! Continually praying for safety for both of my girls. XOXO

PS I heart Chuck!

Katie said...

I have some tears of joy for you, Stacey. You are about to embark on the most precious part of this journey. I can't wait to "meet" your precious miracle and follow you into motherhood.

And I will pray for your friend.