When I say that infertility affects nearly every aspect of my daily life, I really do mean it! I long for those innocent days early in my marriage before we started trying to have kids. I could have normal, healthy friendships and wasn't all that scared to meet new people. I couldn't wait for my friends to become parents so we could sit around and talk about kids instead of cute things their pets did!
It really is very difficult for me, as a married woman in her thirties, to be childless. Everywhere I go and with everyone I meet, the topic is going to come up. My husband and I went out of town recently to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. We decided to pamper ourselves a bit and take advantage of the hotel's spa treatments. He got a massage (his first one ever!) and I couldn't wait for my facial. The lady was very professional and very nice. I was feeling so nice and relaxed there on the table as she was applying all those yummy-scented exfoliates to my face. I actually had a thought that it would be so wonderful if I could get through the session without having to talk about not having kids.
I was almost in the clear. I had about five minutes left. Then, with my face totally covered in hot towels and my arms being slathered in lotion, it happened. The nice lady said, "How many children do you have?" I felt my relaxed muscles once again become tense. I mumbled from underneath my towel mask, "None." It didn't end there. She wanted to know why; was it our choice? I guess I had made the mistake of telling her we were there to celebrate ten years of marriage. It would seem strange that we aren't parents. She had just spent 30 minutes in a room with my husband, but not once had the topic of having children come up then.
I wasn't angry with the spa lady. I just hate that I can't enjoy a nice weekend away without being reminded of The Thing. The Infertility. That's what I mean about it being around every day and in every activity. I can't call up a friend and excitedly say, "Guess what?!" She'll think I'm going to tell her I'm finally having a baby. Nope, I just scored some cool concert tickets. Oh well. And no e-mails can go out from us with the subject, "Good News!" Twelve people will write back and say, "For a minute there I thought you were going to say you're pregnant."
In a recent discussion with a friend I was talking about how cool it would be if any time I'm asked about having children, I could just hand the person a business card referring them to this blog! That would save me from a few awkward situations, but of course I'm kidding. I know that people were made to interact with each other, and I actually do enjoy talking to other people. It does become difficult when the subject is something so personal to me and so heartbreaking. It's really hard to talk about it every day. I guess in some ways it helps too. I'm sure it's better than keeping it all bottled up.
It would definitely make it easier if I could talk about it only when I felt strong enough to do it. Too bad I can't set the terms of conversations before they start! "OK, before my facial begins today, allow me to set the terms of our small talk. You may discuss the weather, the NBA playoffs (only if you're not a Lakers fan), 80s rock music, and scrapbooking. I will not be answering questions at this time about reproduction. Carry on."