Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Single? This One's For You.

It seems like out of all of the kinds of people I talk to about my infertility, the ones I most often can relate to are single people. Maybe this sounds funny if you noticed that I'm 31 and have been married for 10 years. If so, you've figured out (even if your math skills are as basic as mine) that I got married at the young age of 21. I was, however, no stranger to being single. I never really dated at all until my freshman year of college, when I met this great guy I ended up marrying.

So, let me explain exactly why I feel I can relate to many of my single friends. Specifically, I mean those single friends who are wishing for a mate and perhaps don't feel like a "spring chicken." Maybe you get those questions from someone you just met, or that high school friend you haven't seen in 15 years, or that well-meaning aunt at a family reunion. You know, "So, are you married yet?" "Are you dating anyone?" And of course they all know just the person for you, right? Just the right easy answer to your dilemma. Ugh, and I shouldn't even mention Valentine's Day.

Let me add here that I don't think that every single person should get married! I also don't believe every married couple must have children. I'm specifically talking about those of us who want to and are ready to move on to that next stage of life. You're beyond college age, you've been to dozens of your friends' weddings (and probably served in about 8 or 9 of them), and you really want to get married.

Or you're like me and you've been married for quite a while and you're more than ready to add some kids to your family. I'm not saying it's exactly the same thing, because obviously it's not. I can't totally relate to a single person who has waited for a very long time to be married. But I know what it's like to wait. And I know what it's like to want to move forward and to feel like it is completely out of your hands to do so. I don't want to tell you all those things you're tired of hearing: that it will happen when you're not expecting it (although it might), or that there's somebody out there waiting for you (which sounds a little stalker-ish).

All I want to tell you is what I've been trying to do, which is to enjoy life in the waiting. I don't want to let it pass by and look back on that time with only regrets. Unfortunately, I spent several years just overcome with regret and anger and sadness. I felt like those were wasted years. Instead, I've started trying to do some of those things I always wanted to do "someday." You know, spontaneous things that will probably be harder (or impossible) to do once I have little ones. Now, when I look back on my years before children, I admit I'll remember the sadness, but that's not all. I'll also rememer all of the awesome memories I made with my family and friends.

Single friends, I love you! I'm sorry for the times I've been insensitive about your situation. I just want you to know that I like you just the way you are, and you are a complete person to me even if you never get married. But if marriage is what you desire, I'll pray that you find your somebody!


Andrea said...

I actually laughed out loud AND got teary-eyed reading this one! Amen, Sister! Thanks for the encouragement . . . and I'll pray for you, too!

Anonymous said...

Found your blog and will start reading. I totally relate to the waiting both now to be a mother and a single waiting since I got married at age 34 years. Now I am 37 years, only a few years to have biological kids. I actually don't "feel" old though, maybe because I have only been married a few years. But it's the biological clock that tells me I'm old, unfortunatley.