Updates And A Confession

It has already been a week since I last updated the blog. Today I started getting e-mails from concerned friends wondering how we were doing, so I knew it was time to write again! (Thank you for caring so much!) Lately in between appointments I don't always feel that I have a lot to report, and I think part of me wants to avoid constantly writing about how nervous I am and how eager I am for the next chance to see if our baby is okay.

But the news is that I'm doing well! We spent the weekend in Louisiana again, this time helping my sister move into a new house. After we got home, I spent a few days asking around for OB recommendations. Fortunately I had tons of help from a sweet local friend who went out of her way to ask around and even make phone calls on my behalf! (Thank you, Meagan! You are awesome!)

I wound up choosing a doctor who was recommended by a blog friend. (How cool is that? Thank you, Rachel!) When I called to schedule the appointment, ideally for next week, I found out that the doctor has next week off for vacation. Of course, the week she returns will be busy, so they weren't able to schedule me for that first OB appointment (and ultrasound!) until Monday, March 29.

I took the appointment, but the more I thought about it the more worried I became about having to wait so long between ultrasounds. Please understand, I know that pregnant women have to do that all the time, but when you've experienced half a dozen pregnancy losses, it really messes with your mind. I'm not far enough along to feel the baby moving around inside and I truly am constantly concerned that something terrible has happened and the baby is not okay and I just don't know it yet.

So, to make a long story short, I had to call Dr. G's office (my specialist) to have them transfer my records to the new doctor (Dr. R). While I was on the phone with the nurse, I was asking just very casually about the possibility of visiting one of those ultrasound clinics in between appointments simply for my peace of mind. I'm not quite sure she understood where I was coming from at first, but I explained that I'm not just looking for a really great 4-D picture of our baby to put on the refrigerator, and I'm not concerned at this point with trying to find out whether they can see boy parts or girl parts. I just want to know that our baby is alive and well! Naturally, I got all emotional on the phone (which always frustrates me), but the nurse was super sweet and kindly offered me one more visit to their office for an ultrasound! I was so relieved and at the same time I felt so silly for not having thought to ask that. It never even crossed my mind. After we said goodbye to Dr. G last week I guess I just thought that was it for good!

As it stands now, we have an ultrasound scheduled with dear Dr. G for Thursday, March 18, which is only 8 days from now and feels so much better to me than having to wait 19 days! I know it is strictly for my peace of mind but I feel that it will really help me to relax a bit, which I know is important right now. Not too much longer after that, we'll have our first OB appointment and ultrasound with Dr. R on March 29.

I'm telling you, I still feel like it's a miracle that I haven't had any cramping or signs of bleeding and I feel very grateful for that every single day after everything that has happened in the past. I can't believe that this weekend I'll be 12 weeks. All I know to do is keep thanking God and keep moving forward!

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Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, I'll confess something to you that I find more than a little bit embarrassing.

Today I had to have my wedding rings cut off of my finger.

Yes, I'm only 11 weeks pregnant, and yes, you read that right.

Allow me to explain. Something I don't think people realize unless they've been through infertility and/or miscarriage is this: It often causes you to gain quite a bit of weight. Sure, my rings were a bit more snug than the day my husband slipped them onto my slender finger almost 12 years ago. I'm not as young and certainly not as thin as I was at the age of 21! But over the years I gained a little bit of weight with each pregnancy. It was just a few pounds each time, but when multiplied by 6, it added up. On top of that is the fact that in between losses, I wasn't exactly feeling cheery and motivated to get into shape. On the contrary, I was depressed. For quite a long time.

I've read so many times where others in similar situations have had to deal with weight gain. (I know that many fertility drugs can add unwanted pounds, too.) It's not a fun thing to realize one day that you're walking around with 30-40 extra pounds and associating that weight with loss and sadness and grief, but that's what happened to me. I do recognize that reaching my 30s and enjoying comfort foods haven't helped my case much, either. In fact, last year I was making great strides to a healthier me. I was actually enjoying an exercise routine and feeling really good about losing some of that weight (and getting those rings off myself)! I do hope to resume that someday.

Now here we are well on our way in pregnancy #7 and I knew that the ring situation would definitely get worse before it got better. So, my fingers will be naked for the next 6 months at least. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. It's not the pregnancy weight that I'm concerned about one bit, but all that other extra weight does get me down. And it didn't help my self-esteem that both of the women in the jewelry store today looked like bean poles, and both shared their stories of having had their own children. (One of them had even had TWINS, and I'm quite sure she never had to have her rings sawed off!) *Sigh*

Despite all of that, I'm determined to try to avoid comparing myself (and my body) to everyone else and just enjoy the miracle that is this baby! One day I'll have that ring repaired and it will be all shiny and new and none of this will have mattered a bit.

Right? :)