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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Updates And A Confession

It has already been a week since I last updated the blog. Today I started getting e-mails from concerned friends wondering how we were doing, so I knew it was time to write again! (Thank you for caring so much!) Lately in between appointments I don't always feel that I have a lot to report, and I think part of me wants to avoid constantly writing about how nervous I am and how eager I am for the next chance to see if our baby is okay.

But the news is that I'm doing well! We spent the weekend in Louisiana again, this time helping my sister move into a new house. After we got home, I spent a few days asking around for OB recommendations. Fortunately I had tons of help from a sweet local friend who went out of her way to ask around and even make phone calls on my behalf! (Thank you, Meagan! You are awesome!)

I wound up choosing a doctor who was recommended by a blog friend. (How cool is that? Thank you, Rachel!) When I called to schedule the appointment, ideally for next week, I found out that the doctor has next week off for vacation. Of course, the week she returns will be busy, so they weren't able to schedule me for that first OB appointment (and ultrasound!) until Monday, March 29.

I took the appointment, but the more I thought about it the more worried I became about having to wait so long between ultrasounds. Please understand, I know that pregnant women have to do that all the time, but when you've experienced half a dozen pregnancy losses, it really messes with your mind. I'm not far enough along to feel the baby moving around inside and I truly am constantly concerned that something terrible has happened and the baby is not okay and I just don't know it yet.

So, to make a long story short, I had to call Dr. G's office (my specialist) to have them transfer my records to the new doctor (Dr. R). While I was on the phone with the nurse, I was asking just very casually about the possibility of visiting one of those ultrasound clinics in between appointments simply for my peace of mind. I'm not quite sure she understood where I was coming from at first, but I explained that I'm not just looking for a really great 4-D picture of our baby to put on the refrigerator, and I'm not concerned at this point with trying to find out whether they can see boy parts or girl parts. I just want to know that our baby is alive and well! Naturally, I got all emotional on the phone (which always frustrates me), but the nurse was super sweet and kindly offered me one more visit to their office for an ultrasound! I was so relieved and at the same time I felt so silly for not having thought to ask that. It never even crossed my mind. After we said goodbye to Dr. G last week I guess I just thought that was it for good!

As it stands now, we have an ultrasound scheduled with dear Dr. G for Thursday, March 18, which is only 8 days from now and feels so much better to me than having to wait 19 days! I know it is strictly for my peace of mind but I feel that it will really help me to relax a bit, which I know is important right now. Not too much longer after that, we'll have our first OB appointment and ultrasound with Dr. R on March 29.

I'm telling you, I still feel like it's a miracle that I haven't had any cramping or signs of bleeding and I feel very grateful for that every single day after everything that has happened in the past. I can't believe that this weekend I'll be 12 weeks. All I know to do is keep thanking God and keep moving forward!

***************

Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, I'll confess something to you that I find more than a little bit embarrassing.

Today I had to have my wedding rings cut off of my finger.

Yes, I'm only 11 weeks pregnant, and yes, you read that right.

Allow me to explain. Something I don't think people realize unless they've been through infertility and/or miscarriage is this: It often causes you to gain quite a bit of weight. Sure, my rings were a bit more snug than the day my husband slipped them onto my slender finger almost 12 years ago. I'm not as young and certainly not as thin as I was at the age of 21! But over the years I gained a little bit of weight with each pregnancy. It was just a few pounds each time, but when multiplied by 6, it added up. On top of that is the fact that in between losses, I wasn't exactly feeling cheery and motivated to get into shape. On the contrary, I was depressed. For quite a long time.

I've read so many times where others in similar situations have had to deal with weight gain. (I know that many fertility drugs can add unwanted pounds, too.) It's not a fun thing to realize one day that you're walking around with 30-40 extra pounds and associating that weight with loss and sadness and grief, but that's what happened to me. I do recognize that reaching my 30s and enjoying comfort foods haven't helped my case much, either. In fact, last year I was making great strides to a healthier me. I was actually enjoying an exercise routine and feeling really good about losing some of that weight (and getting those rings off myself)! I do hope to resume that someday.

Now here we are well on our way in pregnancy #7 and I knew that the ring situation would definitely get worse before it got better. So, my fingers will be naked for the next 6 months at least. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. It's not the pregnancy weight that I'm concerned about one bit, but all that other extra weight does get me down. And it didn't help my self-esteem that both of the women in the jewelry store today looked like bean poles, and both shared their stories of having had their own children. (One of them had even had TWINS, and I'm quite sure she never had to have her rings sawed off!) *Sigh*

Despite all of that, I'm determined to try to avoid comparing myself (and my body) to everyone else and just enjoy the miracle that is this baby! One day I'll have that ring repaired and it will be all shiny and new and none of this will have mattered a bit.

Right? :)

35 comments:

Mrs.Spit said...

With a beautiful reminder of how broken things can be made whole again.

Sending hugs.

Life In Mazes said...

So glad to hear that your are feeling more peaceful and that your next ultrasound in only 8 days away! One day we are going to have to get together when you are in LA!

I am so sorry today was so difficult in dealing with having your ring cut off.

Still praying!! Keep growing little one :)

TRS said...

I understand the emotional part - and how frustrating it is.

I went to my doc last week for a physical (and other complaints) - and asked if there was anything she could test or check fertility-wise.

I explained that I knew it was silly considering I just broke-up with my boyfriend, have no prospects, am abstinent, and about to turn 40 but I'd like to know if there is any hope. At the end there... my voice broke.

She said, "Oh, don't cry. If you do, I'll cry!"
so sweet
so then I cried.

Which prompted her to ask if I was depressed!
So I explained that while I'm single, old, and unemployed - I do cry more than other women my age, but for the most part I think I'm dealing with things pretty well.

Tanner's said...

Oh Stace I so understand!! I did not wear my rings the WHOLE time..in fact (and I totally think you should do this...) I bought a HUGE...and not huge in the fact that it was a bigger circumference(although it was) huge in the fact that it had a HUGE fake diamond!! I wore the fake ring the whole pregnancy..people would comment on my beautiful ring and I would just smile and thank them! Have fun pick out one you would never wear any other time..I know you know this BUT...enjoy every pound, every chocolate candy or sonic slush! I love you and am praying you through this pregnancy!

Stacey said...

@Mrs. Spit, You are always so insightful. Thank you!

@LIM, I would love to! Lately our trips home have been very busy but soon we will get to go and just hang out. We'd love to meet up. Thanks for the prayers! Remembering you, too.

@TRS, I HATE crying at the doctor, but it sure makes me feel better when they are sympathetic (although it makes me cry even more)! And may I say I think you're dealing with things remarkably well. Keeping you in my prayers.

Stacey said...

Oh, thanks, B! I love the fake ring idea!!! Thanks for the encouragement and love! :)

Rebecca said...

I can't wait for you to have a horrible flabby belly and a beautiful cuddly baby to show for it :)

Stacey said...

Thank you, Rebecca! Thanks for understanding where I'm coming from. All that extra weight from years of loss left me with little to celebrate, but a baby will certainly be worth some extra flab. :)

Jennifer said...

So glad you are able to go in and get the u/s for your peace of mind. How neat that you found a dr from a bloggie friend. Yea for friends! Can't wait to hear all about your appointment. Take care...thinking about you and praying for you.

Sharon said...

Oh Stacey, I am so happy that it worked out for you to have an ultrasound next week. I agree - the 29th was too far away! So glad you found an OB as well.

I think another ring is a great idea!

Sharon said...

Stacey, I hear you on the weight issue, I have the same problem! But let me tell you this, when the baby comes, the weight falls off, you're so busy caring for another being that you don't have time to indulge yourself! So don't sweat it!
I'm so happy to hear that all is progressing so well this time around!I keep checking for your updates and can't tell you how relieved I am each time to hear you sounding so positive!
KUP!
xx

twondra said...

Yay!! I'm soooo glad you got into Rachel's OB and you got an u/s before!!! Woohoo!!! I'm just so happy for you and sooooo glad you got to talk to Rachel. She's such a sweetheart and so are you that I'm glad you guys got to talk. :)

I'm so sorry about your ring! (((HUGS))))

millerhomestead said...

Stace,
If you remember, I started wearing my rings on a silver chain around my neck at week 12 when I was pregnant with Andy. It was more embarrassing not to have a ring while living in the Baptist Belt...I was "showing" at 11 weeks. I would make up stories in my general classes like "I hope my biker boyfriend is going to support me from prison when I have this baby" just for fun shock value. Try it. It's fun, I swear it!

~ Katie ~ said...

I'm so glad that you were able to get an US earlier than having to wait 19 days! That's forever!!

My weight gain was very disheartening, especially since I had nothing to show for it- just scars on the inside and out. I was to the point of having to have my rings sawed off too. Feel you pain completely.

Lots of HUGS

Dan & Hillary said...

12 wks!! Almost the second trimester! I think my average wait between u/s's was 10 days. Anything over that caused too much anxiety. I could almost do a 'flip book' with all the u/s's we had with Camille.

Keep an eye on the finger thing. My fingers (actually, the knuckles) are the first thing to swell and the last thing to deflate after childbirth (about 3m post-partum). Fun times in pregnancy;-)

Hope in Virginia said...

Stacey -
I am so thrilled that you get another sneak peek at your little miracle before you were expecting to. That is just terrific and I think you are perfectly rational wanting to make sure everything is ok. Many of us have been there and that reassurance just helps so much. Plus that means you'll get TWO u/s in March. What a great month! And sorry to hear about the rings...guess it means that hubby needs to get you a really nice upgrade/new baby present :)

Journeymark Cards & Gifts said...

Stacey, thanks for the update. I am happy to hear that you have 2 appointments, which sounds like it is helping to bring you peace. I can't understand what it must be like getting to a certain point in pregnancy, but I can relate to the emotions.

You are definitely not alone in crying at the Dr.'s office.

Prayers and hugs to you!!!
Jessica

Birdie said...

I'm so happy for you. I'm rejoicing with you as you continue to do well. Praise the Lord!!
I loved reading your update, and I'm so glad you're able to get another ultrasound in only 8 days. I look forward to hearing a good report!

Amy said...

I am so glad that you get to have an ultrasound in between appointments! We all LOVE the updates, and it totally makes sense that you would want that piece of mind. I had, I think four ultrasounds with Sadie in the beginning, but then had to go about ten weeks without one, and it was torture wondering if things were okay. The good thing is, around the time of your 18-20 week ultrasound, you will also be feeling movement, which just compounds things not feeling so scary. :)
Sorry to hear about your ring. I know in the grand scheme of what is going on right now, it isn't as big of a deal, but I know that had to be a sad moment. Just make sure Chuck gets you a pretty little replacement. ;)

Rachel said...

Yay for the appointment...I am sorry you have to wait so long. Get this, my next appointment with Dr. R is on the same day! Maybe I will see you? Wouldn't that be something? Also...I had to take my wedding ring off a few weeks ago. I have never had to do that except for at the end of every pregnancy. This is my fifth pregnancy---so maybe there is something about it being worse each time? You aren't the only one with a bare finger :) Good luck and keep me posted!

Ask or Imagine said...

I have been reading your blog for a while (love your way of expressing things!) and was so, so happy for the news of your pregnancy and for each good report, it's thrilling. I never comment, but I've been wanting to add my congratulations on top of the many others!

Sunny said...

I'm so glad you get another u/s!!! Yay for u/s's!!!! haha! Seriously, I'd be a basket case too so don't feel silly in the slightest. Can't wait to read the update from the 19th.

andreajennine said...

I outgrew my rings really fast, too. And now I've outgrown the cheapo substitute I had bought!

Andrea said...

Don't worry about it, Stacey! You would have had to take them off in a few weeks anyway. You should buy some fake rings. I'll message you the site I bought mine from. Cheap and much better looking than the ones I saw in the stores around here.

Amy said...

Oh yeah, and the funny thing about taking your ring off is the inner need to say the words "MY HUSBAND" to everyone you meet, so they don't look at you funny. Don't think, even in your 30s, you escape people's quick glance at the ol' ring finger to see what's there when you are pregnant. They aren't as conspicuous as they think they are. ;)

Nity said...

My mom had her ring cut off her finger too... I love what Mrs. Spit says about broken things becoming whole.

I ended up wearing a fake silver ring that I got in HS. It helped me feel "married" even without my ring.

I'm praying for you. Grow little bean.

Kathryn said...

Franky, i get overwhelmed when i see so many comments & don't want to add my voice . . . after all, what could i add, really?

But i just want to say how much i appreciate you. For you to come comment on my blog in the middle of all that is happening for you is sweet beyond words.

I'm so excited that your pregnancy continues to move forward & break all former records & i continue to pray that it will do so up to the day you bring home a 7 pound baby. :)

On the weight, well, i can't do anything but commiserate. Not that i've pregnancy as an excuse. Weight issues can be very emotional (especially in our culture) even without your history. I misplaced my wedding ring for quite a while. I thought it was lost for good. I missed wearing a ring, so i got an inexpensive plain band to wear. I still sometimes wear it if i'm taking my ring on & off a lot (as a massage therapist does) & don't want to chance loosing it.

Jenileigh said...

Just checking in on you! So sorry to hear about your rings. I think if my daughter doesn't take hers off soon she may be in for the same thing! :) Rejoicing with you about getting the sonogram in a few days!

Andrea said...

Stacey,

Hello Sunshine! SO happy that you are doing well. I can certainly relate to the anxiety of an u/s appt in late March, but am excited that you will get a glimpse of your precious one this week! Like you, I wouldn't be intrested in the baby's sex, but overall health would be my main concern.

Wishing you continued success! And, so far as the wedding ring...it can be fixed at a later date :)

Also, I posted the verse that you so lovingly left for me on my blog on the latest post, as it truly speaks of where I am in this moment.

HUGS

Amy @ Experience Imagination said...

I'm glad you are doing well. Every time I've been reading your blog lately I just want to cheer and send big hugs your way! And then I pray for you and your baby and your hubby.

Also, I wanted to let you know that March 29th is an auspicious day. My mom was born on that day. She would have been 67 this year.

Becky said...

So glad you are able to get another ultrasound before the 29th!! I continue to think of you and pray for you often. I will be praying for you guys on Thursday.

I feel your pain on the weight issue, I gained 10 pounds after my miscarriage. And unfortunately it is still with me :(

Love the ideas about getting a fake ring, but I love millerhomestead's suggest even more! That made me LOL.

Anonymous said...

So glad that it all worked out. I really didn't do anything to warrant thanks, but I am just excited to get to help in any way. So excited for you guys!!!

MG said...

So glad that it all worked out. I really didn't do anything to warrant thanks, but I am just excited to get to help in any way. So excited for you guys!!!

Ro-bear said...

Thinking of and praying for you today. Can't wait to hear how little Blogger is doing. =)

DeniFay said...

I had a friend that I worked with who went to Dillards and got this fake gaudy ring to wear while she was pg, people kept asking if her hubby had gotten her an upgrade and she'd just laugh and smile, but she said she just felt too naked without her ring!!

I am glad you touched on the weight issue. Like you said, if you haven't traveled down this road, then you don't realize that each loss adds a couple of pounds, that each round of drugs adds a couple of pounds, that each pit of grief adds a couple of pounds. I think that if you're losing babies, you should just automatically lose weight, it's not fair to have no baby and still be packing on the lbs!!

Anyhow, don't you worry about that one little bit! Just enjoy every minute. I'm praying for your peace between visits!!