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Friday, November 6, 2009

Feeling Down

Holidays do funny things to me. Let me tell you, I'm a sucker for seasonal things. Here in Texas we don't exactly have all four seasons outside, but every year I'm determined to celebrate the season inside my home. I just love holidays. Even if no one (besides my husband and myself) ever saw the decorations, I would still decorate!

That's why this post is hard for me to write.

Lately I've noticed that it's getting harder and harder to conjure up those same old feelings of joy for holidays. I think with each passing year, the emptiness in my heart and in my home become harder to ignore.

Certainly there is joy and happiness and love in my heart and in my home. My husband and I are very happy with our marriage and in our little family of two. But there is a huge, unfulfilled desire that neither of us can ignore. We want children. We want to be parents. There is a void there for us both. There is an empty place in both of our hearts and in our home where our children should be. The holidays remind me of this.

Last week was so hard for me. I couldn't keep my eyes dry for very long, and it seemed that I was surrounded by a flood of emotions. The truth is, sometimes I struggle. Sometimes I feel like I don't do anything that makes a difference or amounts to much outside of these four walls. Sure, as a homemaker I have lots of responsibilities at home. I keep the house clean and the laundry done, on top of many other daily tasks. This is probably true for many people out there, but sometimes I don't feel needed. I don't feel necessary.

Oh, I imagine that there are parents who have those feelings, too. And sure, you can call it a pity party if you want. I'm just keeping it real and keeping it honest.

Halloween was just the very beginning of the whole holiday season. I don't recall ever being this affected by it in years past. Although I'm not necessarily a huge fan of Halloween in particular, I felt a huge absence this time. It was pretty quiet here. We spent the weekend with friends who were visiting. Our doorbell was rung only twice by trick-or-treaters that night. My sister sent photos of my adorable nephews dressed up in their costumes (they were a very handsome duo of Luigi and Wolverine). Countless friends posted pictures on Facebook of their cute little marauders. And I felt sad. Even in the days leading up to it, I felt so empty and so burdened by our situation.

Last Friday we went to see my two very favorite Christian artists, Bebo Norman and Jeremy Camp, in concert. It was a fairly small crowd and it was a special treat for me. We had great seats and it was a great show. I was particularly touched by the words to a couple of familiar Jeremy Camp songs that I've heard over and over again:

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

and

I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

It truly was like a balm for my hurting heart, because I'll admit, right now I don't see. I cannot always see the big picture in this.

I know that the holidays are just getting started. I hope as the weeks pass and as my decorations change from autumn to winter, from Thanksgiving to Christmas, that we might begin to feel the excitement that usually comes with it. I hope that we'll focus on the many good things that have kept us happy and strong for all these years: our family, our friends, each other, and our hope and trust in our Lord.

Even when I don't see, I still believe.

23 comments:

Michelle said...

The holidays are always a tough time for me. It is all a reminder of what i do not have. sending hugs and lots of understanding!

Life In Mazes said...

I have been having a struggle something like yours. I never really struggled through Halloween like I did this past year. It seems like everything is magnified in my grief right now, as is yours.

I will keep you in my prayers and please know that I will pray that all of your dreams for a growing family become a reality for you!

Kate said...

Holidays are so difficult. I am thinking of you.

Chuck said...

This makes me sad too. Of course any time you are sad, I am sad. But it makes me sad because you have always had such a joy and excitement around the holidays. Hopefully we can focus on the good things like our favorite Christmas music, special gifts, and some hot chocolate by the fire.

Connie said...

We're studying the Beatitudes in Bible right now and I can't help but think of you each time I read "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted...." I pray that you find comfort. I pray that God will fill you with hope and peace and joy. Believing with you...

Sharon said...

Hey Stacey
This post made me cry because I so related to what you're saying. There is one thing you must never doubt sista... no matter how sad the road, no matter how alone you feel, there are many of us feeling these things with you.
The holidays are always hard for me to, I'm haunted by thoughts of where my babies would be, how old they'd be, what we'd be getting them as Christmas gifts etc etc etc, and instead we do all these things for other peoples children.
If you want to chat come find me on Skype, I too cannot see the wood for the trees/ the bigger picture at all at the moment, I feel lost in the wilderness!
(((hugs)))

A said...

My heart goes out to you as you are down lately. God has blessed me with alot of peace lately, and I pray He will do the same in your heart so that you can really enjoy the holidays. Halloween wasn't really that hard for me, but we're having an IUI tomorrow morning, and if we're not pregnant by Christmas, I imagine I might feel pretty low. I know through all of the ups and downs, God is with us and provides us with support along the way to weep when we weep and rejoice when we rejoice! Will be praying extra special for your heart to be uplifted :)

twondra said...

Holidays have been a struggle for me too, but I hate hearing about other people struggle, especially my friends and the people I love. I wish we lived closer so we could go out for coffee or a movie or something. Even if I talk funny, it would still be fun. :)

Love you tons!!!

Sunny said...

Stacey, while we share so many same feelings, I am standing here in agreement in prayer with and for you - Jesus, I pray that you would lift Stacey to you. Lord, our hearts hurt, our hearts long for motherhood. Father, these desires in our hearts are known by You already, but we pray actively as to give them to you and to turn over control to you. You are good. You have blessings prepared for us that we do not know about yet. You have chosen us to be the mother of children that are not even created yet. We are your first choice as their mother - you chose us and us alone for that position. You are awesome in each of your ways. You are trustworthy and good. You have never failed us yet and we know and count on your goodness and mercy to follow us all the days of our lives - just like your word promises. Thank you for being our God. Thank you for sweet husbands that love us and are with us on the journey so we are not alone. Above all, thank you for salvation for without it nothing else matters. In Jesus' precious name.

Journeymark Cards & Gifts said...

Sending my love and prayers of comfort over you. I am so sorry this has been such a hard week.

Melody said...

Love how real you are...and I'm sorry it's tough right now. The Holidays are so sentimental and I can see why this is a hard time. You can only put on your "game face" for so long as you suck it up and enter the long awaited family gatherings where all the babies are and just another reminder of what is missing. And while your heart still wants to be there with the family and you enjoy those family times....it's still hard. How my heart aches for you and my other friends that are walking this too familiar IF road. Praying for you, Stacey. I really am.

Idgie said...

I am sorry you're having such a rough time. I agree that the holidays are always hard, and each year that passes seems a little emptier and lonelier. My thoughts are with you. (((HUGS)))

Kathryn said...

So many have already commented, i often feel like a "tag along." I'm struggling with the holidays too . . . already rather dreading Christmas.

Sending you hugs. Much love.

Jenileigh said...

My own heart breaks for you. I pray that the Lord comfort, hear and answer exactly as you want Him to. I know its hard. ((((Stacey))))

Charisa said...

You are SO very needed. Stacey, this blog, in that you are keep it real and honest, is such a gift. I have taken comfort in your words and wisdom so many times. You put words to emotions that were bubbling up inside of me and I didn't know how to express them. I hate IF everyday, but I am so grateful that you use your voice to comfort others even in expressing your deepest pain. May the peace of Christ comfort you, dear sister.

Rebekah said...

I've never been really big on holidays but I never understood why they were so difficult for some people until last year.

Andrea said...

*HUG* Last year was so rough for me, but I can't imagine how you must feel after going through so much. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. You posted a few weeks back about your appointment and I have been meaning to respond to that ever since then. I guess I felt like I needed to say things perfectly or significantly, but basically I just want you to know that I'm praying for you every day. You are on my "BFP prayer list." I've been so encouraged to cross people off of that list the past year and I have a strong feeling it will be your turn soon. :-)

Indy said...

I am walking this road with you. Although I can't say that I understand exactly how you feel I too feel the pain of "bareness".

You said you feel useless but I assure you that you far from being useless. Your ministry is right here (your blog). Your words are inspiring. You share your struggles and your pain with so much authenticity and we are the beneficiaries of your writing.

I am praying for you, Stacey and trusting that God's plan is perfect for your life.

Jenn said...

Stacey, you are an absolute one of a kind person. You are very important, and I know you know this, but we all need to be reminded from time to time. The words to that song ARE really great words and such truth in them.

I Believe in Miracles said...

i've been thinking about you these days, but just got caught up on the past blog posts. praying for you sweet friend! ~big hugs~

And so it goes (AshaAnn) said...

Oh, I so here you. In fact, I just blogged a bit about feeling like I am lacking purpose in my job. So even with a job outside the house, that hole in our hearts of what we are missing is still there. Walking through the holidays with you. Wishin' the road was easier.

Baby On Mind said...

HI Stacey, I stumbled onto your blog today, and I love the fact that faith plays a big part of your journey. I have been struggling to get pregnant for 6 years, and sometime I wonder if my faith is weakening. I look forward to following your story.

Jamie said...

I LOVE IT!!!!! I feel just like you. HOLIDAYS are so difficult. I'm in Texas as well in Houston.