In Memory

People sometimes ask me if there's something I do as a memorial to the babies I've lost. First, let me say that I know people grieve in many different ways. I don't really think there's any "wrong" way to grieve. For me, I just feel it would be too painful to do something for every anniversary. July 6, March 28, October 7, July 22, August 8, January 22. Those are my miscarriage dates. I don't know them all from memory. I had to look them up. If I added all the due dates, that would be a total of 12 different anniversaries. Painful ones.

Our first miscarriage happened just as we were moving into our new home. A few months later we decided to plant a tree in the backyard as a kind of memorial. Of course at the time I had no idea that it was the first of many losses. Although we have a pretty spacious backyard, it can't quite support a forest of trees! But, my sister bought me a lovely little plaque that sits in front of the tree with the Scripture reference Mark 10: 14-16, and we keep nice flowers planted around the tree year-round. We don't treat it like a grave or have any kind of traditions around the tree, but it's nice to have something standing as a reminder to us for all those little lives that were lost.

I would never criticize the way anyone might choose to remember someone they'd lost. Actually, I think maybe it looks strange to people that I don't do more to remember. I'm not a very "touchy-feely" gal and am not always comfortable with showing emotion. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm still dealing with this issue. It's a real struggle in my life today. I don't actively seek to remember the loss because it's with me every minute of every day. And I know it always will be to a certain degree, even after we become parents.

Anyway, I think it's fine for people who choose to remember their miscarriages in different ways, and fine for those who don't want a memorial. I can understand both points of view.