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Thursday, May 29, 2008

In Memory

People sometimes ask me if there's something I do as a memorial to the babies I've lost. First, let me say that I know people grieve in many different ways. I don't really think there's any "wrong" way to grieve. For me, I just feel it would be too painful to do something for every anniversary. July 6, March 28, October 7, July 22, August 8, January 22. Those are my miscarriage dates. I don't know them all from memory. I had to look them up. If I added all the due dates, that would be a total of 12 different anniversaries. Painful ones.

Our first miscarriage happened just as we were moving into our new home. A few months later we decided to plant a tree in the backyard as a kind of memorial. Of course at the time I had no idea that it was the first of many losses. Although we have a pretty spacious backyard, it can't quite support a forest of trees! But, my sister bought me a lovely little plaque that sits in front of the tree with the Scripture reference Mark 10: 14-16, and we keep nice flowers planted around the tree year-round. We don't treat it like a grave or have any kind of traditions around the tree, but it's nice to have something standing as a reminder to us for all those little lives that were lost.

I would never criticize the way anyone might choose to remember someone they'd lost. Actually, I think maybe it looks strange to people that I don't do more to remember. I'm not a very "touchy-feely" gal and am not always comfortable with showing emotion. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm still dealing with this issue. It's a real struggle in my life today. I don't actively seek to remember the loss because it's with me every minute of every day. And I know it always will be to a certain degree, even after we become parents.

Anyway, I think it's fine for people who choose to remember their miscarriages in different ways, and fine for those who don't want a memorial. I can understand both points of view.

1 comment:

Amy said...

Hi Stacey! Just catching up on some of your older blogs. I like this one since you talk about planting the tree, as you told me on the comment you left on my blog.
For some reason, that tree has comforted me so much this week. Something little, something living, something I can attend to, something that will flower in the spring that gives us something to look forward to. I've never been a green thumb person, nor do I have a desire to be, but I can totally see the memorial that this will be for us. Should we ever have to leave our parsonage in the future...well, I don't know. I guess we'll see how big the tree is on whether we take it along or just take pictures. Not that we are planning on leaving anytime soon...
Anyway, I am so sorry for your losses. All those moments of hope, of wondering. We are just at the beginning of this, and hope that it doesn't keep recurring. Twice has already affected me so much.
Thanks for sharing your journey, Stacey.