A Longing Fulfilled

The Sweetest Thing in My Garden

2012-01-23T21:45:00.006-06:00

My sister is a second grade teacher at a private Christian school. Last week she sent me the words to a poem that her class was studying in their readers. This little poem spoke to my heart and brought tears to my eyes (and my sister's, which left her students a bit bewildered!). I think you'll see why it was so special:

The Lily by W.T. Vlymen

The sweetest thing in my garden,
On bush or vine or tree,
Is the snow-white shining Lily
that God has sent to me.
How wise He must be to make it!
How good to put it here,
For me to watch and care for,
So very sweet and dear!
There's nothing more fair and spotless
In all the world I know;
It is fairer than the moonlight,
And whiter than the snow.
I love you, beautiful Lily,
made of the sun and dew,
I wish my heart could always be
spotless and pure, like you.

It almost leaves me speechless, just how perfect this sweet little poem is and how much it reflects this mother's heart.

I have a sixteen-month-old girl who walks (finally) and talks and just today wore her very first set of pigtails -- and oh be still my heart, it was the cutest thing I'd ever seen.

This little one keeps me busy, busy, busy, from morning until night, but I am forever grateful for the chance to be her Mama.

She absolutely is the "sweetest thing in my garden," my pure and spotless Lily Rae. Thank you, Lord, for letting her grow in my tummy and in my heart.

This Month

2012-01-20T19:01:00.006-06:00

January is a month that is rife with meaning and emotion for me. This time of year holds some big memories in my life, some good and some bad.

Today is January 20. Two years ago on this day I saw two lines on a pregnancy test. I hadn't gotten a positive test in three years. It was my seventh time to see that result, yet the first six times had all resulted in devastating miscarriages. You already know the rest of the story -- that pregnancy test was the first sign to us that our baby was finally on its way (although we certainly didn't know how things would turn out on that day). It was a day of excitement and nerves, frantic-sounding phone calls and prayers, and a trip to the doctor's office for blood work. It was the beginning of nine long months of waiting for our healthy baby to arrive at last.

Tomorrow is January 21. When I found out I was pregnant for the first time in May of 2002, I was given the due date of January 21, 2003. I was pretty excited then, and extremely naive. My sister's second baby was due just one month before and I couldn't wait to raise our babies together. I never expected miscarriage to happen to me, but it did just two months later in July. And I certainly never imagined, after that traumatic experience and my first-ever trip to the ER, that I would have to endure that heartache five more times over the next five years. It was the beginning of eight long years of waiting for a baby.

January 22, 2007 was the date of my last miscarriage. I'd found out toward the end of the year in 2006 that I was pregnant for the sixth time. After several weeks of blood tests and many ultrasounds, it was declared to be a blighted ovum. Although we could see a yolk sac and my hcg and progesterone levels were good, we never could see a baby growing. I was having my sixth miscarriage, and I had a D&C scheduled for January 22. It was three days before my 30th birthday. It was the toughest birthday I've ever had, and it was the beginning of three long years of waiting for another pregnancy.

January 25 is my birthday. I'm turning 35 this year. Although I know there's nothing magical about waking up on that day that will change my fertility, it's a birthday I haven't exactly been excited about. Those of us who have gotten wrapped up in this infertility world against our wishes know what the statistics say about being over 35: increased risk of miscarriage, egg quantity and quality decrease, etc., etc.
Obviously I had a big problem with miscarriage when I was in my 20s. I had my first miscarriage at age 25. And of course I know lots of women over the age of 35 who have healthy pregnancies. I really don't put too much stock in statistics, but still in all it's a day I haven't exactly anticipated with lots of joy. When you're dealing with infertility, each birthday and each passing year gets harder and harder. You feel more pressure with the realization that time is not on your side. So, while I'm planning to enjoy my birthday this year with my husband and daughter, I know that all these things will be there in the back of my mind.

But... tomorrow is a new day. This is a new year, and tomorrow is the 21st, which means that my precious girl is turning 16 months old. I'm celebrating that miracle, as it's something I had seriously begun to doubt would ever come to be. The past 16 months have been remarkable and have helped me to heal, despite all the setbacks and all the days and years when my calendar was marked with heartbreak.

This month often reminds me of everything that I've lost. And I know I'll never forget those times, but I'm ready to make some new memories this January.

Last Year's Good Reads

2012-01-16T20:57:00.004-06:00

One of the things I've enjoyed doing on this blog is posting my reading list at the beginning of the year. There are few things in life more satisfying to me than crossing things off of a list! I love searching for new (and old) great books to read and compiling a list of wonderful titles to keep me entertained throughout the year. I don't always get to every book on the list, but it keeps me motivated to just keep reading.

Last year I never got around to making that list. I still managed to read lots of books (during Lily's naps and after her bedtime), so I made a list of books after I finished them and now I'm sharing that list with you. I like to share it because I really enjoy talking about books with other readers and I love to know what you're reading too. So feel free to comment on any of these titles, and please let me know your favorite must-reads for the list I'm compiling for 2012!

As always, happy reading!

Books I Read in 2011:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – J.K. Rowling (re-read)
Spoken From the Heart – Laura Bush
Possession – A.S. Byatt
Water for Elephants – Sara Gruen
What the Night Knows – Dean Koontz
The Distant Hours – Kate Morton
The Hunger Games – Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire – Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay – Suzanne Collins
The Help – Kathryn Stockett
When You Reach Me – Rebecca Stead
Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way – Shauna Niequist
The Heretic’s Daughter – Kathleen Kent
The Traitor’s Wife – Kathleen Kent
The Lost Summer of Louisa May Alcott – Kelly O'Connor McNees
Havah – Tosca Lee
Loving the Little Years – Rachel Jankovic and Nancy Wilson
On Agate Hill – Lee Smith
The Road – Cormac McCarthy
The History of Love – Nicole Krauss
Inheritance - Christopher Paolini

2012

2012-01-08T21:13:00.004-06:00

Here we are, one week into another new year.

Before we had Lily, New Year's was always one of the most difficult times for me. Sure, I guess that somewhere deep down there was just a smidge of hope that it might be our year to have a baby. But honestly, as the years passed, that hope for me had begun to shrivel and shrink until it was almost completely unrecognizable. It had become a challenge to face another year that may contain yet another miscarriage and even more heartache and longing.

As this new year approached, about two weeks before Christmas I found myself in a familiar place -- my bathroom, waiting for the results of a home pregnancy test. (It was negative.) It wasn't the kind of situation where we'd been planning and trying and scheduling doctor visits, and now today was the day to test. Instead, it was more of a wait-a-minute-I'm-several-days-late kind of situation, one where I thought that maybe, just maybe, there could be a baby there without all the stress and worry and agony over what might happen if we tried again, and without all of the dates and schedules and medicines. I thought there could be a slim chance, so I did something I hadn't done in almost two years. In fact, I hadn't done it since January 20, 2010 -- the day we found out I was pregnant for the seventh time and the pregnancy that gave us our take-home baby.

So, I woke up that morning and opened a fresh box of pregnancy tests and waited to see if my world was about to change in one way or another. It didn't.

And I was disappointed. But instead of letting it overwhelm me, I scooped up my toddler and went to the kitchen to feed her some breakfast and tried to carry on with our daily routine. During the next week I waited for that confirmation to come but it didn't, so I took another test a week later just to be sure. Still negative. Just two days before the new year -- a new cycle. A fresh start, so to speak.

And so 2012 began for me in a way that was familiar but not necessarily welcomed. It would have been a wonderful, amazing surprise, but I'm not despairing. As for trying again, we're trying not to stress about it. For right now, it would be wonderful if it happened, but we're not letting it consume our thoughts. We're just living in a place where we want to be content with where we are, with our family of three, but we're still allowing ourselves to dream that the Lord may give us another child.

We're hoping. We're trusting. And we're following His plan for our family in 2012.

The Old and The New

2011-12-22T22:49:00.007-06:00

It's nearly 11 PM, three nights before Christmas. Lily is nestled all snug in her bed (and so is my husband, in ours) and our bags are packed and ready for us to leave early in the morning for a week of traveling to see family in Louisiana.

I'm quite used to being the last one awake in the house. I've always been a night owl. Tonight I'm thankful for a couple of hours of quiet before we begin a fun but busy Christmas week. It's allowing me a little bit of time to reflect on some things about the year and about Christmases past.

There are so many things that are different in our family now, things that have changed quite a bit in the past couple of years. The obvious one, of course, is that we have a child. We have a daughter sleeping down the hall, which, when I truly think about it, still amazes me. Before last year we'd had eleven Christmases together as a married couple without children, and now we're approaching our second one as parents. Last year's Christmas felt so foreign as we were adjusting to life with a three-month-old. It was beautiful and very special too, but it's nice this year to be able to feel so much more settled. And this year we are back to our old driving route, making a big circle (or more of an oval, I guess) from SE Texas up to N Louisiana, back down to SW Louisiana, and home again to Texas.

The year 2010 brought other changes as well, though, besides the birth of our long-awaited baby. In February of that year, my mom, stepdad, and younger brother moved from the little house in the country that we'd bought just a couple of months before my twelfth birthday. It was a kind of sad little wood-frame house that had lots of quirks from the start, but we were glad to have found a place we could afford that was back in the town that my sister and I called home. We had left all of our friends at school a few months earlier and moved in with my grandparents while my stepdad worked a job up in New Jersey, with the intention that we would all move there eventually. We didn't, though, and I was delighted when we moved back "home" and I was able to re-join my sixth grade class and, more importantly, my friends.

It had been a very tough transition for us girls at a new school and in a new town (my mom's hometown), although Mom would have loved to have stayed, I'm sure. My sister struggled at the new high school, not popularity-wise but with keeping her grades up. I felt completely isolated and didn't make a single friend at the elementary/middle school, and it was hard to be away from my sister for, really, the first time in my life (our previous school had grades K-12 all in one building, so we never were very far apart). And so that little house wasn't much to look at, but it was a way for us to move back home and back to the small school and friends that we loved.

The little house in the country did improve a tiny bit over the years. My mom and stepdad had the bathrooms remodeled after a few years, and when my sister and I married a couple of handy guys, we began to help out with improvements here and there as a family (painting the old, dark-paneled walls, changing the flooring, etc.), but always dreaming of seeing our mom in a much more comfortable, sturdy home someday. Mom had done her very best to make that house a home, but it required lots and lots of work. It was poorly insulated, which made it very hot in the summer and quite chilly in the winter. Mom had to clean the walls a few times a year because of mold and mildew, and the ceiling boasted some pretty interesting designs due to water stains from a leaky roof. The house was becoming much more of a burden and we began to start looking at options for them to finally move to a new house. Mom doubted it would ever happen, but lo and behold, a buyer appeared and after much work to get the house inspected and make necessary improvements, it actually sold. We helped them move during the early months of my pregnancy with Lily, and I have to say that we all felt like a weight had been lifted when they spent their first night in a brand new, beautiful home.

I never, ever thought I would miss the little gray house in the country. But it turns out, I do. I would never want to change their living situation back to what it was by any means, but it has been strange to realize that I actually miss turning at the only landmark in that tiny town (the little white post office), driving down that old dirt road, sitting on the porch swing, and listening to the familiar, soothing sound of trains rumbling down the railroad tracks at night -- a sound that lulled me to sleep nearly every night from my preteen years until I left for college. I miss that small bedroom right off the front porch that I shared with my sister until she moved out to attend college. And I miss that same room after we painted it blue for my baby brother, who took down our frilly curtains and our posters of cute boys and filled it up with dinosaurs and little boy things instead.

After they moved out I used to think about what it would feel like to drive by the old place and see what changes the new owners would undoubtedly make. I thought that, if my pregnancy was successful this time, it would be fun to take our child by there someday and show her the little house where we used to live and where her aunt and I spent our formative teenage years. The house wasn't full of all good memories, definitely, but we did have some good times there. And as you know, my baby arrived safe and sound in the fall of that year, but she'll never be able to see the house. We won't be able to show her anything except photographs and the land where it once stood because just four months after they moved out, there was a fire at mom's old house. Fortunately, no one was home and no one was injured, but the house was eventually torn down completely. It's all gone now: the wooden porches that Mom swept clean almost every day, the windowsill of our old bedroom where two of my friends carved their name (they had the same name -- James), and even the big sweet-gum tree that stood right beside the front steps. All gone.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the old and the new and gradually realizing that change is really okay. Sometimes it's great, but sometimes the changes take some getting used to. "Going home" still feels pretty different and new to me, but we're already making new memories in Mom's new house and it's kind of sweet to know that Lily will only think of one place when she looks back on going to visit her Granny. It'll be a place that holds lots of special memories from her childhood, memories that we're in the process of building for her even next week as we gather under that new roof, in a house that is only about a year older than Lily herself.

So there are lots and lots of new things for our family these days, but we're settling into some new routines and enjoying the changes. Having a little one around is helping us to see things from a new perspective, too, and it encourages us to roll with the changes and make some brand new traditions as we go along. Chuck and I were recently discussing how, even though we've been married for more than 13 years now and even though we were always a family even before we had Lily, this family of three thing is a new dynamic. In a way it feels like starting over.

Sometimes starting over can be a very good thing.

Catching Up

2011-12-06T21:32:00.005-06:00

Hello friends! It's been a while but I'm finally taking a few minutes to update the blog. November and December (so far) have been their typical busy months for us, but things are going well and we are anticipating the Christmas season. I have only a few gifts left to buy and the house is cozy and decorated, so those are things that are making me smile these days.

Speaking of things that make me smile, Lily Rae is doing great! She continues to be our joy and answer to our heartfelt prayers. In lieu of a long, detailed update, I'll just hit the high points in this post:
Our girl is 14 months old and weighs 23 pounds. She just cut tooth number five, with the sixth one soon to follow (that's 3, almost 4 on the bottom and 2 on top). The little stinker is still not walking, although she can stand independently and "walk" pretty well when holding on to things. She can even climb up onto the couch all by herself, but she won't take steps unless she's holding onto something. It definitely could happen any day now, or she could decide to tease us for a few more weeks/months!

Lily has always been a champ when it comes to eating. She loves fruit and vegetables and chicken and ham. Her favorite food right now is mandarin oranges, and she squeals with delight when I give her her sippy cup of milk.
Her sleeping patterns were still fairly unpredictable at night (meaning she was waking up several times a night and generally pretty restless) until about a week ago when something finally clicked, thank the Lord. She has been sleeping through the night again for about a week now and all three of us are much happier people.

Personality-wise, Lily is one of the most affectionate children I've ever met. She is incredibly sweet and loves to give hugs and kisses. This is one of the many things that I love about her. She truly has a way of making people feel loved and special. For many months now her daddy and I have prayed that, most of all, Lily would grow up to love God and love others, and we really feel like those seeds are being planted early in her little heart.

As Christmas quickly approaches (our second one as parents), I'm overwhelmed and humbled and joyful all at the same time. After so many years spent waiting and wondering while our hearts were aching, we are grateful to God for the healing that has taken place through the birth of a child. Appropriate thoughts for this month as we reflect on the true meaning of Christmas and the birth of our Savior.

I was just thanking the Lord tonight for so many amazing answered prayers in my small corner of the blogging community. So many of my long-time blog friends have welcomed their miracle babies in recent weeks and several others are getting ready to have their babies, some through the miracle of adoption. My heart swells with joy and my eyes fill with tears when I think about, collectively, how far we've come. I know the heartaches that have led to this point and I can't help but rejoice with those of you who are rejoicing this year, while always, always praying for those who are still waiting and hoping.

To close this little update, here are a couple of recent pictures. The first is a family pic taken last month that we're using for our Christmas cards this year.

And one more of a happy little girl who's all ready for Christmas!

Wordless Wednesday (We Love Fall!)

2011-10-26T00:00:00.002-05:00

It Never Goes Away

2011-10-15T00:00:00.001-05:00

I am the mother of a twelve-month-old little girl. I wake up each morning and rescue her from her crib when she cries. I feed her and change her and play with her and rock her to sleep every day. I snuggle her and read to her and count her little toes.

I am also the mother of six little ones in heaven. I've never seen them face to face. I've never held them in my arms or kissed them on the cheek. I've never smelled their hair or tickled their tummies. I miss them, and they are missing from me.

That feeling of loss never goes away.

I think there are a few misconceptions about having a baby after recurrent pregnancy loss. One is the idea that finally having a child erases all the pain of past losses. It doesn't. Having my daughter has helped my heart to heal, but one child never replaces another. Besides that, the 33-year-old woman I was when I gave birth to my daughter last year was not the same as the much younger woman I was when I lost my first pregnancy in 2002, my second in 2003, my third in 2004, my fourth in 2005, my fifth in 2006, and my sixth in 2007. Just as each of those children was unique, the loss of each and every separate baby affected me in a different way. Each came (and went) at a different time in my life and carried with them their own individual hopes and dreams. They don't get all lumped together in a section of my heart labeled "loss." Each one occupies his or her own space.

I think another misconception is that once you've had a healthy baby after loss, all of your fertility issues must have been solved. If I'm being completely honest here, this is one of the things that I feel still separates me from the "fertile world." Even though I finally carried a baby full-term and I've looked at her face every single day for over a year now, I still don't walk around feeling like a "regular" mom. Granted, I don't really know what a regular mom might feel like, but I imagine she might not think too much about her fertility. I imagine that she and her husband decide they want to have a baby and... well, they do. No, I don't know what that feels like. So when friends casually say things like, "Oh, the next time you have a baby, be sure and do such-and-such," I'm not sure how to react. I guess I appreciate that they're thinking positively about my chances of doing this all over again. And, trust me, I sincerely hope that they're right. But it doesn't change the fact that it took six failed pregnancies and three subsequent years of infertility -- nearly nine years total -- to bring home my baby. I cannot and will not forget about that. It's my reality and my story. It's part of who I am now and it won't ever go away.

Trying again just isn't that easy, even after a successful pregnancy. I don't know when I'll be ready to start all over again. And really and truly, I don't mean for this post to be negative or pessimistic. I just mean for it to be honest.

October 15 is a special day for pregnancy and infant loss awareness, but these feelings are with me every day. Today I'll hold my daughter closer, I'll remember my babies (and yours) in heaven, and I'll pray for those who are hurting.

Because I know it really never goes away.

Twelve Months

2011-09-30T22:06:00.007-05:00

The big day has come and gone. My sweet girl turned one year old last Wednesday, on September 21st! We had her birthday party, in the theme of the Very Hungry Caterpillar, at our house the Saturday before. It was a great day of celebration and we were surrounded by many of Lily's biggest fans. We had 12 adults and 6 children (including the birthday girl) and it was really just right for a first birthday party. It was very special to have our parents and siblings here, and we were only missing my husband's brother, his wife, and their son, who couldn't travel because they're getting ready to have our brand new little niece any day now!

Even though it was a relatively small party, we worked very hard the week leading up to it to get everything ready. The night before the party felt a lot like the night before Christmas. We put Lily to bed and tiptoed around the house setting up decorations and putting out presents, and when it was all done my husband and I looked at each other and had one of those "can you believe we're doing this" kind of moments.

Early the next morning we put out balloons and picked up her cake (which turned out so cute -- the bakery copied it perfectly from a photo I found on the Internet years ago) while welcoming our first party guests.

The day went so well and I think Lily really enjoyed herself. I wasn't sure how she might react to it all, but she couldn't have done better! She was happy and excited and in a sweet mood despite all of the activity around her. She got several new toys and lots of new books and clothes.

Every morning since the party she seems so excited to play with her new things. All year we'd been trying not to fill up the house with an excessive amount of toys, so I think she was really ready for and excited to have some new ones. And as far as eating cake goes, our girl acted like an old pro! You'd never have known it was her first time to try it. She loved it!

On top of all of that, my mom stayed the entire week with us and was able to be here to love on Lily for her actual birthday as well. We had a great time together.

Now, since this is probably the last detailed month-by-month update I'll post, here's what life looks like for Lily at age one:

Eating: The big news this month is that Lily has made the switch to cow's milk. We began gradually introducing it about 2 weeks ago and she likes it a lot, but she won't take it cold. I run her sippy cup under warm water and then she gulps it right down. We've said goodbye to formula for good and I haven't nursed her for over a week. The transition has gone more smoothly than I even imagined and I think that's because it was the right time. I'm beyond grateful that the "right time" for both of us coincided with my overall goal to try to breastfeed for the entire first year. I hope you can read my sincerity in those words because I truly mean it. I know quite a few precious moms who would have loved nothing more than to have been able to breastfeed their babies, and I know that it just doesn't always happen that way despite every possible effort. So I don't take that privilege lightly by any means.

Breastfeeding was one of the more challenging things I've ever done. In the beginning it was pretty close to hell on earth for me but we made it through some rough patches until it was WAY better, and I'm feeling overwhelmingly thankful and satisfied that we did it. I'm not at all ashamed to say that even though overall it was a great experience which I wouldn't trade for anything, I'm happy and relieved that it's done.

Sleeping: Nothing much new to report on sleep schedules. Lily's still napping twice a day, around 10 AM and 2 PM for about an hour each, and she goes to bed around 8:30 PM. It seems that our night-time pattern changes frequently, though, as any new thing works to disrupt her sleep. Last week was a stellar week as far as sleep went and we all felt happy and rested for about 6 days in a row... but we're back to waking up 2 or 3 times a night now and I think it's because Lily is cutting her top two front teeth. That's just my guess, but I'm sure it could be any number of other things! At any rate, she wakes up for the day around 7 AM (and this week it's been more like 6 AM) no matter how rough the night was. I don't know how she does it but you could truly set your clock by her!

Milestones: We still have a little "scooter" and I don't think she'll ever crawl in the traditional way on all fours. She gets around in her unique way very well, so I guess she sees no need to change it! She's cruising all around the furniture but hasn't taken any steps independently yet.

Like I mentioned above, Lily is cutting 2 new teeth and will soon have a total of 4. It's so funny to me when I see other children her age (or younger) with a mouth full of teeth!

Lily learned a new word about 2 weeks before her birthday. She started saying "Dada" and that's pretty much all we heard from then on. I like to joke that she finally learned the name of her very favorite person. That girl is still all about her daddy! "Dada" makes the fourth word in her sweet little vocabulary (along with uh-oh, Mama, and hi).

This month has been a big month for learning new things. Lily surprises me almost daily with things that I didn't know she knew. When I ask her if I can kiss her toes, she picks up her foot and puts it to my mouth. The other day I asked her where her hair was and she patted her head, and we did the same little game with her ear. I had no idea she could do that! I know it's not rocket science, but it's fun to watch her grow in her comprehension and other skills. This week we've been working on eating with a spoon -- what a mess! :)

Speaking of growing, at her one-year checkup today Lily weighed 21 pounds and was 30 inches long. She has gotten quite tall in the past couple of weeks and a few people have been commenting on it when we're out and about.

I know this has been a rather long post, but thanks for indulging me tonight and this entire year as I've written about Lily's growth and development. It's been quite a departure from my regular blogging but, frankly, it's been a welcome change for me. I've done a lot of healing this year, and we continue to be humbled and absolutely in awe of the fact that we have a child to raise, love, and hold here on earth. Thank you for celebrating her with us, dear friends.

September Girl

2011-09-14T14:42:00.007-05:00

In the days and weeks just after I had the baby last year, I found that there were lots of things I wanted to write about that never got written. Even with the extra help (my mom stayed for three weeks) I just couldn't pull myself together enough to sit for an hour and do it. Sure, it had a lot to do with the sweet, hungry baby who now lived under my roof, but mostly it was because of the way I felt. My c-section recovery was difficult and I really didn't feel remotely normal for probably the full six weeks. Because of all of that and all of the doctor's visits and running around I had to do when all I wanted was be home with my newborn, blogging was one thing I couldn't seem to get done in the rare, quieter moments.

It's still a struggle even though I think about at least once a day. It's hard to take the time to sit still and write out what's on my mind in any form that's longer than a facebook status (and, trust me, I'm not one of those who "puts it all out there" on facebook). And so today since my daughter, who prefers to be held and rocked for her entire nap time -- which I don't mind, by the way -- is actually napping in her bed, I want to share one of the stories that almost got lost in those early postpartum days last September.

A couple of years ago I wrote about a little figurine that I have, a keepsake from my childhood that my mother bought for me. It's a sweet porcelain girl in a yellow dress with January, my birth month, written across the front of the skirt. I'm not one of those people who has every toy she ever played with as a child or boxes and boxes full of fond memories from my childhood. There are just a few things I've managed to save, and January Girl is one that I truly treasure. I'm sure she wasn't very expensive, but we didn't have much when I was a child. Feeling nostalgic, since I first wrote about her I've been searching the Internet for the eleven others in the same line of Lefton china figurines. I can usually find them for around $15, and that's 30 years or so after they were made.

In the past two years I've collected nine in addition to the one I've had for as long as I can remember. They're not super easy to find, so it's been fun to search for them every few months when the thought crosses my mind and try to snatch one up when I see it on an eBay auction. This isn't something I'm proficient in, by the way. I'm not a big collector of things in general. I usually have my husband do my bidding (literally) since he's the one with the eBay and PayPal accounts in the first place. To date I lack only February and March and then my sentimental little collection will be complete.

Now, back to the story...

Almost a year ago I went in for my scheduled c-section early on the morning of September 21st. If you're reading this you probably know my story. We'd been praying for and hoping for the baby we were about to meet for nearly nine years. Seeing her face for the first time in that ice-cold operating room at 12:27 PM was a dream come true, my longing fulfilled.

Later that evening when we were finally alone, just the three of us, and still feeling swept up in the emotions of the day, my husband gave me a precious card and a small box. I couldn't imagine how he'd had the presence of mind to get me a gift in the midst of all of our preparations for the baby, but I wasn't really surprised. It's completely in his character to do such a thing. I opened the package and inside was the sweet little September Girl figurine, with a yellow dress just like my January Girl. He had searched and searched for her and paid more than three times what I normally pay after finding himself in a bidding war with another prospective buyer. He did it because this one, the September one, was important to me and he knew it was. It was one of the most thoughtful gifts he has ever given me.

I know that ultimately it's just a knickknack, but I love that he knew it would be special to have our daughter's birth month. And somehow he knew that sharing that simple childhood memory with her meant something to me. Lily will grow up seeing the same figurine on her dresser that was always on mine, and it's those kinds of things that work together to gradually fill the hole that recurrent miscarriage left in my heart during all those years of waiting, wondering, and loss.

I love seeing our matching January and September girls together at last. Each year as summer turns to fall, she'll have a place of honor in our home as we celebrate the birth of our real-live September girl.

Letter to My Daughter

2011-09-07T22:00:00.007-05:00

Dear Lily,

In two short weeks you will be one year old! It has been the most wonderful, challenging, beautiful, and chaotic year of my life. Sometimes I still can't believe that you are real, that you are here, and that you are ours.

There are so many things I want to tell you and teach you. I pray that we'll have a lifetime to try to cover it all, but for now I want you to know how special you are. Your daddy and I waited a long time for you. One day, when you're a little bit older, I'll explain to you how you weren't the first baby that God created inside Mommy's womb. There were six other precious ones who, just like you, were fearfully and wonderfully made and were so loved and wanted in our family. For reasons I won't understand here on earth, those babies -- your brothers and sisters -- went to heaven before we could meet them. That makes us sad, but we trust the One who made us and loves us and understands it all. And we know that one day there will be such a sweet reunion when we're all together again.

Lily, God made you in His perfect way and in His perfect timing. Even though Mommy and Daddy got married in 1998, you weren't supposed to be born until 2010. Despite everything that happened before and despite our odds, you lived longer than 6 weeks and 9 weeks and 12 weeks. You lived and grew inside for 39 weeks before you were born all pink and chubby and healthy. Now you've grown from 8 pounds to 20 pounds and it's going by so fast that we can hardly keep up.

A few times in my life I've seen a beautiful wildflower growing and thriving in some crazy place where it shouldn't have made it, like in a tiny crack in the middle of some concrete. That's what I think about when I imagine how God allowed you to grow in my tummy. Sometimes He does things that seem impossible to us and leave us totally in awe of His power and goodness. I'm reminded of that when I look at you.

I wish I could tell you that, because of all of that, we are going to be perfect parents who never get tired or frustrated. Even though we had to wait so long for you and even though we love you beyond words, we're going to make mistakes and we're going to fail sometimes. You'll have to be patient with us because we're still new at this and we still have so much to learn! We are aware, though, that you are a very special little girl and for some reason God chose us to be your parents. We plan to keep trying to do the best job that we can, and most of all, to pray for you and remind you every day with our words and our actions how much we love you and are grateful for you.

You didn't come to us by accident or mistake! You are here as a result of many years of praying, pleading, crying, hoping, trusting, and believing (and yes, sometimes doubting). Daddy and I will always, always give God the glory for giving us you, our little miracle girl. He is so much bigger than our plans, our doubts and fears, our worries, and our hurts. I hope you'll always remember that, and always take the small things and the big things to Him -- knowing that He's got it all in His hands.

I know that we can't protect you from life's disappointments forever. All we can do is pray that God will use the difficult times and the trials that I know will come to teach you and help you to grow in your faith in Him, just like He has for us. It's easy to trust Him and find joy when times are good, but it's a whole different thing to do that when they're tough, and I know that's something you'll have to learn on your own. We have lots of stories to tell about the lessons we've learned while waiting for you.

It has been a remarkable year! As much as we adored you the very first time that we saw you, our love has increased substantially as we have watched you grow, learn, and change. I can't imagine how our hearts could hold any more love in them, but I know that somehow, with each passing year, they will.

I love you with all of my heart, Lily Rae!

Love,
Mommy

You and me: together at last! 9/21/10

Eleven Months

2011-08-30T13:51:00.007-05:00

Could it be true that eleven months have come and gone and next month we will have a big one-year-old?
Here's the rundown of all that's new at our house:

Eating: I think the biggest change in the food department this month is that Lily now loves her green veggies. I don't know when or how the change happened, but I'm grateful for it! She never cared much for them in puree form; I always had to mix the greens in with other veggies to trick her into eating them. These days when I put cooked carrots, peas, green beans, or even bread on her tray, she always goes for the green veggies first. I love watching her little fingers pick up sweet peas one by one and get them into her mouth. They are definitely her new favorite food.

In my last post I wrote about how Lily had been sick with a virus. Well, even before that she had been having some tummy problems for a couple of weeks that I thought might have to do with teething. The doctor suggested, however, that we try taking her off of dairy for a few weeks to see if that helped. We've been two weeks without dairy and switched formulas (which she hated at first... thankfully she's still getting breastmilk, too). I'm eager to see the doctor next month for her checkup so we can go over it all again and hopefully introduce cow's milk soon and see how that goes. My plan is to wean her in the coming weeks and I really think she'll do well. Although it'll be bittersweet in some ways, I think the time is right for both of us.

Sleeping: Again, there's not much new as far as sleeping goes this month. We've had a pretty good week despite some early wake-ups, but Lily has been getting better about soothing herself back to sleep at night when she wakes up (usually around 1 AM and 4:30 AM -- it's funny how predictable their sleep cycles become). We are still at two naps a day. She always seems very ready for both, although sometimes it takes her a while to settle down. I'm finding this to be truer the more active and mobile she becomes. Still, her preferred way to fall asleep is to be rocked... and most often by me.

Milestones: Lily cut another tooth just a couple of weeks after her first one. She now has both of the bottom front teeth. I always thought I'd miss her gummy smile -- and I do! -- but there is something very cute and sweet about seeing those two little teeth sticking out when she smiles now.

My big girl is not walking yet, but pulling up is a breeze now and she is just beginning to cruise a very tiny bit along the furniture. She'll take only a step or two sideways along the couch or from one piece of furniture to another while holding on. Occasionally she will let go and stand there unsupported for a few seconds before realizing what she's doing. I think it's doubtful that she will walk before her first birthday, but she's starting to learn little by little.

Lily's new word this month is "hi." It's not a simple "hi" though; she says it exactly the way that I say it to her, which is a high-pitched, multi-syllable "hiiiiiiiiieeeeee!" Of course, we think it's very, very cute. :)

This month Lily really enjoys simple rhymes and counting songs like 1, 2, Buckle My Shoe and This Old Man. Playing patty cake isn't new, but now she does the hand motions along with me (although she needs help rolling 'em up).

I'm not sure if I've written about how much she LOVES books. One of her favorite times of the day is between bath and bedtime when she has story time with Daddy. They sit together on the couch and read 5 or 6 of her favorites and she sits there so quietly, listening and looking. This has been our routine for 3 or 4 months now and it is precious to watch them share that daily time together. Of course I read to her here and there during the day as well and she always loves sitting down with a book. Some of her favorites are:
Brown Bear - Bill Martin Jr.
The Foot Book - Dr. Seuss
Go Dog, Go! - P.D. Eastman
Barnyard Dance - Sandra Boynton
The Very Hungry Caterpillar/The Very Busy Spider - Eric Carle
The Big Red Barn/Goodnight Moon - Margaret Wise Brown

It's almost September and we can't wait for (hopefully) cooler temperatures and Lily's big birthday month!

Bullet Points

2011-08-19T21:39:00.006-05:00

It's the kind of night when this type of post is just necessary. So here it is -- my life in bullet points:

The Bad:

I've been a terrible, terrible blogger.
We've had a very yucky week at our house that all started with a virus my dear husband brought home. He was sick for several days (sore throat, stuffy nose kind of stuff) and then my sweet Lily got sick. We took her to the doctor on Wednesday after she ran fever the night before and it became obvious that she was really not feeling well. Her fever is gone and now we are dealing with some tummy issues, but she's on the mend.
Unfortunately, the evil virus has now landed on me. I feel awful!

The Good:

Earlier this month we went home to Louisiana to celebrate my wonderful mom's 60th birthday. It was such a great weekend with family but, as weekends go, it was over much too soon.
Despite the excessive heat and drought conditions, this week we noticed that Lily's tree has finally bloomed! How happy we were to see those sweet pink blossoms on her crape myrtle.
There is a box of birthday decorations in my closet in the theme of The Very Hungry Caterpillar, waiting to be used next month for Lily's big First Birthday. Unbelievable!
Last Sunday we visited the big church down the road from our house. We haven't really been visiting places regularly in our search for a new church home, so we decided to just go someplace close and try it out. We aren't really accustomed to large churches, but the advantage was that they have a pretty awesome program in place for children. We had called ahead and were given a tour of the preschool area before the service started. After the tour I felt comfortable (security-wise, etc.) about leaving Lily in the church nursery for the very first time, but I took it much harder than I ever expected. Fortunately she was PERFECT and never cried a single tear, which is more than I can say for her mommy! The nursery workers were so kind: two of them had gone to check on Lily for us during the service -- one came to find us before we picked her up, and the other had left a note in her diaper bag -- both gushing about how wonderful she had been. I was so proud of my big girl! It felt good to go to church again, and although I don't know if this is "the one" for us, we like knowing that we can visit there again as we continue our search.

What's really on my heart:

Please pray with me for a sweet little four-month-old who is fighting for his life. I don't personally know this baby, but he is the nephew of some friends of mine back home. I am completely heartbroken over his situation and ask you to lift up little Declan and his family to the Lord. You can follow this facebook link for more info: Friends and Family of baby Declan Jace and this link if you wish to help with a donation.

I hope all of my bloggy buddies are doing well. I've been trying to stay in touch with you guys, little by little. I'm still here, still reading, and still praying for you, friends.

Ten Months

2011-07-28T17:15:00.005-05:00

My girl is only two months away from turning one year old! Many times lately when I look at her I feel like she is already twelve months and beyond. She is getting so big and changing so much that it seems every day we wake up to something different.

Here's what's new around here:

Eating: Overall I'm really proud of how Lily has done so far with learning to eat table foods. Naturally there are some things she just doesn't like, and she promptly spits them back out and then avoids choosing those things from her tray. I think her favorite so far is still tomatoes. I peel and chop them for her and she gobbles them up. Lily likes a variety of different fruits, so I try to keep the house stocked with plenty of them. This month she seems to enjoy yogurt a lot more, too. We switched to the yobaby brand and that made all the difference. Her favorite is the apple and sweet potato combo.
It's definitely a challenge to come up with different meal and snack ideas for Lily at this stage. There are always the old faithful things that she likes and I know she'll eat (carrots, sweet potatoes, breads, and cereals), but I also want to keep adding variety as often as possible while she is willing to try new tastes. I still try to introduce a new food or two every week. This week she tried plums and cottage cheese and both seemed to be a success!

Sometimes I find it completely mind-blowing that I'm nursing a 10-month-old baby. Of course it still shocks me that I wake up every day as someone's Mommy and I'm incredibly grateful and humbled for that, and for the privilege to breastfeed my baby for her first year. I was so afraid in the beginning that we weren't going to overcome some of our obstacles and be able continue with nursing for very long, but we made it through and are still going, thank the Lord. We are down to only 2-3 times a day now (morning and evening, and sometimes before the afternoon nap), and I try to work in at least 2 sippy cups of formula a day. Lily continues to not be a big drinker, so I feel like I'm offering milk to her all day long to try to make sure she gets close to the right amount.

Sleeping: Lily's sleep patterns are much the same as last month. She gets about 10-11 hours of sleep a night, usually with one or two wakings during the night, and is still taking a morning and an afternoon nap.

Milestones: My big 10-month-old can now say "uh-oh" and "Mama." Those are her only two words with meanings (well, that we know of!). She babbles a lot these days, mostly ba-ba-ba sounds. This month she seems to really be finding her voice and she likes to use it loudly! We think it's super cute when she yells out words like "BOB," "BOP," and "WHOP."
Lily can wave hello and bye-bye, clap her hands, and sign "more" and "all done." She still loves it when I sing to her, and I think her favorite song right now is the little Bible story song Zacchaeus.

My sweet girl is really showing a lot of personality these days and it's really fun to get to know that part of her.

She is very much a daddy's girl, and if he's anywhere near you'll find her in his arms. She loves to be held and carried by Daddy, but Mommy still makes her laugh the hardest and gets more kisses. :) It makes me so happy to see Lily being so affectionate with her extended family members as well. She loves to snuggle with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins! Her face lights up when she sees those familiar faces (even though she's still sometimes shy at first).

Our BIG news this month is that Lily is mobile! I call it crawling, but technically we have a scooter. Lily is rarely up on all fours and has never crawled that way, but she scoots herself forward on her bottom using her hands and one knee while the other leg is tucked in (does that make sense?). Regardless of whether it can be called crawling or not, she sure does get herself around that way!

On top of that, she just pulled up all by herself for the first time this week. I was getting her ready for a bath two nights ago and I set her down in her bed to put the dirty clothes away. When I walked back into her room a few seconds later, she pulled herself right up as though she'd known how all along! There have been some big, big changes at our house for sure.

And one more little tidbit: Lily finally cut her first tooth around 9 1/2 months. She has her lower right front tooth (central incisor) and the one next to it is very close to erupting I suspect any day now.

It's a joy to watch this baby girl grow and change. She is less and less like a baby every day, which does make me a bit sad, but we are delighting in each new day and every new phase and skill that she picks up. We are so proud of our precious, happy girl!

P.S. Thank you all for your condolences, thoughts, and prayers last week after the death of my grandmother. They were much appreciated.

A Moment to Be Thankful For

2011-07-18T22:53:00.007-05:00

Today my grandmother, my mother's mother, passed away.

It was only a few years ago that my husband and I had six of our grandparents still with us. We had my two grandmothers (both of my grandfathers died when I was in high school), and my husband was fortunate to have all four of his grandparents still living and in relatively good health. We knew that we were fortunate, as we were nearing our 30s and had many friends whose grandparents had already passed on.

As our childless years began to stack up with no end in sight, I used to spend a lot of time worrying about having a child before we lost those precious members of our family. I used to see those prized "four generation" and even FIVE generation pictures and, as each year went by with no baby, it would weigh more heavily on my heart.

To put it plainly: I love old people. I just do. I love their memories and histories and stories. I like to visit with the elderly and just listen to them speak. And after I became interested in genealogy several years back, I really began to treasure the times when I could call or sit and talk with an elderly relative of mine or my husband's. I listened raptly, soaking up every word like a sponge and usually taking notes so I wouldn't forget a thing. I pored over old documents and photos, spending hours researching on the internet and visiting cemeteries all across Louisiana. I began to wonder if I'd ever have the opportunity to pass it all down to my own descendants, but it became an extremely interesting and satisfying hobby for me and it was a great way to fill up my time while we waited and hoped for a child of our own.

In a funny way, too, researching my family history brought me closer to having better relationships with my grandmothers (particularly my dad's mom, who will turn 94 next month). At the very least, it helped me to know and understand them a bit better while I had the chance.

As time went on and our dear grandparents' health began to decline, I realized that I needed to let go of my dream of seeing our children in their aged arms. They had lived full lives, and while we weren't ready to say goodbye (and never would be), if it was time for the Lord to call them home then it was time, regardless of whether or not I had a child. Of course, it was never about me in the first place. I needed to just be grateful for the time I'd had with them and record and cherish their stories for me. Because I wanted to know. If I would be able to one day pass them down to another generation, whether through my own children or those of our siblings, then that would be a bonus.

We lost my husband's paternal grandfather and grandmother in 2007 and 2008, respectively. In 2009, his maternal grandfather went home to be with the Lord.

Lily was born in 2010, and we made it a priority for her to meet our remaining grandmothers (my two and his one) as soon as possible. Lily had met all three by the time she was five months old, and it brought me so much joy each time. It was a culmination for me, and I know it was for these three women too, as they had also spent the past decade praying for this child of ours that we were finally able to see and touch and hold.

At long last, I was able to take pictures of my daughter with her great grandmothers. It was indeed another "longing fulfilled" moment for me.

And while I still can't say I was ever extremely close to my maternal grandmother, that is something I will always be grateful for. At the funeral on Wednesday I will be sad for our family's loss, particularly for my mom as she buries her mother. But I'll also whisper a quiet prayer of thanks to the Lord for moments like these that I'll remember forever.

Lily with my mom's mom, taken on New Year's Eve 2010/11, six months before she died:

Lily with my dad's mom, age 93, taken in February 2011:

Lily with my husband's maternal grandmother, age 84, taken in February 2011:

And again in June 2011:

An (Extra)Ordinary Day

2011-07-07T17:53:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was an ordinary day.

I got up early with my girl and our day was filled with playing, eating, naps, and diapering. It was a typical day around here with a nine month old who is becoming more active by the minute.

But nine years ago yesterday I lost the first baby that I carried.

I don't know that baby's gender, name, or face, but it was the first of our children that we loved, wanted, and cherished. It had been the first positive pregnancy test for a young couple who thought they would become parents nine months later... instead of nine years later. When we found out that we would lose the baby it was the first time my heart was really and truly broken, and that same deep hurt would be felt five more times in the years that followed.

I never did mark the day on my calendar, but it was a date that I always remembered. This year was no different. I was mindful of it all day long even as my hands were constantly occupied with toys and baby food. While we drove to pick up my sister from the airport yesterday I remembered our late-night drive to the hospital. She was with us then, too, pregnant with her second child. Our babies were due one month apart. My nephew will turn nine years old this December, and I wonder what it would be like to have a child that age...

July 6, 2002 is a day I've thought about often. It was the day that changed everything for us and started us down a path we never imagined we'd take: recurrent miscarriage. But God has been faithful. He was good then and He is still good today.

Here's one example of how He was good to me yesterday:

It seems incredible to me, but during my "ordinary" day, my baby girl said "Mama." She had been babbling it for about a week or so, but yesterday she said it for real. I was able to mark the date of July 6, 2011 on her calendar with the sticker "Says Mama."

She's not the first baby I loved or carried, but she is the first one I've had the privilege to hold and sing to and rock to sleep. I'm so thankful that there's someone here who calls me Mama.

After waiting nine long years to hear that word, hearing it yesterday was particularly special. And it sure turned my ordinary day extra-ordinary.

Nine Months

2011-06-28T20:42:00.005-05:00

One of the things that people always told me while I was pregnant turned out to be true: The nine months that you spend pregnant will seem to take forever, but the first nine months of your baby's life will go by in a flash. It's amazing how true this is.

I can't believe how long Lily has been with us, and yet at the same time it's hard to remember what it was like to not know her.

Quite a bit has changed around here lately, so I'll jump right in!

Lily turned nine months old a whole week ago, and I'm kinda glad I'm late writing this post because of all the new things she has learned in the past seven days. It's like she hit that milestone and suddenly figured out how to do a bunch of new things! I'll get to that later, though. First things first:

At her nine month checkup last week Lily weighed 19 pounds 2 ounces and was 28 inches long. Month after month I'm grateful for a healthy, growing girl who has been free of any major or minor illnesses. She's doing so well and I'm so thankful. And she and I both were very happy that this trip to the doctor did not include shots, although now those four she'll have at twelve months are looming.

Eating: Our big change in eating this month has been the introduction of table foods. Actually, I just started making this a part of her regular meals this week. Lily is on the same food schedule as last month, but now I'm trying to replace some of her baby food purees at lunch and dinner with table food. She still has her oatmeal with applesauce or another fruit for breakfast and she still has cereal in the evenings, but lunch, dinner, and snacks have a little more variety. So far we've tried mashed potatoes, cooked baby carrots, broccoli, tomatoes, and a little bit of chicken. She seems to like all of it, but her favorite by far has been the tomatoes. (Of course, they are fresh from her granddad's garden and are particularly delicious!)
I have found that she likes real table foods better than the stage 3 baby foods even though she loved the stage 2 purees, which is just as well if we can just skip over a step. For example, she really likes to eat (steamed) broccoli from our plates, but she hates it out of the baby food jar.

Over the past month Lily has gotten really good at feeding herself some finger foods. She really goes to town with the little Gerber snacks (Puffs and Lil' Crunchies), Cheerios, and pieces of toast, and she enjoys eating fresh bananas and strawberries very much right now although she can't pick up slippery things by herself quite as well.

Lily still nurses about 3-4 times a day and I've introduced a sippy cup of formula once a day. She also has little sips of water and sometimes juice (she's still not crazy about it) here and there with meals.

Sleeping: I'm so glad to report that sleep has returned to our house!

It's not unusual for Lily to wake up once or maybe even twice a night, but we are just so relieved to have gotten past that awful stage we were in a little while ago that you won't hear us complain. She has started sleeping through the night again pretty often, which is a huge relief for all of us. Her nap times are now very regular -- around 10 AM and 2 PM, for about an hour each. Bedtime is still between 7:30 and 8 PM, and we start the day between 6:30 and 7 each morning (still an adjustment for her night owl mommy).

Milestones: Now for the fun stuff! Honestly, if I had written this post on time a week ago, I wouldn't have much to say in the way of big milestones. In fact, I had just been talking a couple of weeks ago about how Lily was nowhere near crawling. She really wasn't. She's still not crawling, but she is so much more mobile lately. She will pull herself all the way forward onto her hands and knees to get a toy, then she either rocks back onto her bottom or falls onto her tummy. Sometimes I think she is right on the verge of taking off.

On the day that Lily turned nine months old, she said her first word! She was in her high chair right after breakfast and she dropped the toy she'd been holding. I was on the phone with my sister, but I said "uh-oh" to Lily and she repeated "oh." We did this three times and I was pretty sure she was trying to say it. Later on in the day I tried it again and heard her say both syllables, plain as day. So, "uh-oh" is her first word! I think she is really close to learning "mama" too.

For months I've been trying to teach Lily to clap her hands and wave bye-bye. I don't know why, but they both clicked this past Sunday while we were at my mom's. In the same day she picked up both of these new skills, and it's really cute to watch her little hands move with purpose. I also use the signs for "more" and "all done" every time she eats, and today I felt like she was really trying to do the sign for more.

All in a week's time, my big girl has learned so much. This stage is a lot of fun and we're really enjoying it. As always, we're so thankful for the opportunity to be her parents.

Celebrating Father's Day

2011-06-19T12:00:00.001-05:00

For the first time in my life I got excited about Father’s Day this year. I ordered a special gift weeks in advance and had a hard time keeping quiet about it. I couldn’t wait until the day arrived!

I don’t recall ever spending a Father’s Day with my own dad. It’s possible that I did before the age of seven (when my parents divorced), but I’m pretty sure I never have since. I usually send a card, which I’m never quite sure he receives, and almost always talk to him on the phone on that day for a few minutes. I’m not incredibly close to my dad, but of course I do love him. He’s not perfect, but he is my dad.

My husband’s not perfect either, and I know that as parents we will make mistakes. But, with that being said, he IS pretty amazing! I’ve had a lot of years married to this man to speculate about what kind of daddy he might be if ever given the chance. I knew he’d be great, and it does my heart a world of good to see his relationship with our daughter. It does make me mindful of something I’ve missed out on for 34 years, and it makes me sad for the little girl I was. My daughter, thankfully, has a dad who is sweet, gentle, thoughtful, kind, and loads of fun, and above all, loves the Lord and is completely devoted to his family.

I’ll never have to explain to my daughter why her daddy is never home to spend time with her. It won’t be necessary to explain that alcohol makes her dad do and say things that he shouldn’t. I won’t have to fill the void that has been left in her heart because he abandoned her. I’ll never wipe away tears because she felt like her daddy didn’t care about her or didn’t love her. And by God’s amazing grace, I won’t need to raise her on my own and try to explain to her at the tender age of seven that her daddy is leaving us because he has a new family.

Unlike her mommy, my little girl will spend every day of her life knowing that there is a man who considers her his precious, treasured gift from God. He’ll know her favorite color and which foods she doesn’t like to eat. He’ll know which is her favorite bedtime story, and he’ll never, ever forget her birthday. She is the apple of his eye, and she will always know it. She will go to sleep each night knowing that her mommy and daddy love each other, love her, and will be there for her for as long as we live.

I am beyond grateful this Father’s Day that my daughter has what I didn’t. I’m thrilled that we have a wonderful guy in our lives and that we get to celebrate him on this day and every day. I plan to make sure year after year that Lily Rae knows how incredibly fortunate she is to have the daddy that she does. But I have a feeling she’ll already know.

Just Lucky?

2011-06-18T13:58:00.003-05:00

Thanks for the encouraging comments on my last post. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my feelings, but at the same time I always hate that others are struggling with some aspect of infertility, too.

We had a lovely anniversary. It was on a Monday this year, so it was a regular work day for my husband and a regular day at home for Lily and me. That evening the three of us went out to dinner together to celebrate. We weren't at all sad that we weren't able to go out alone on that day. That's nice to do, but it was really great to be together. We had 12 anniversaries without children and were so happy to have her with us for the occasion this year.

Two days later we had our follow-up visit with our RE. We have to drive into Houston to get there so we dropped Lily off with her aunt (my sister-in-law), who was very excited to spend some one-on-one time with her. (That evening Lily stayed with her aunt again for a couple of hours while we went out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary... again. We had a very nice time but we sure did miss our girl! It was so sweet to come back to her smiling face.)

It felt very strange to be back at the doctor's office. There was a couple in the elevator with us on the way out who looked nervous and uncertain, and we both wondered what kind of news they had gotten or what they were facing. We said nothing to them, though, because we know there just aren't any words that help during that time. Still, our hearts were very sensitive to those around us who were still waiting on their babies. And while I would have liked for Lily to have met Dr. G, I was glad she was happily playing at Aunt Allie's house instead of in the waiting room with us, just in case it might have caused anyone additional sadness or hurt.

As I wrote in the last post, I was unsure what to expect from this appointment going into it. I was not expecting that it would be treated as my well-woman exam. Frankly, I thought I was going to remain clothed during the visit and was a bit surprised when we were led to an exam room and I was instructed to undress from the waist down. No harm done, of course -- I'm used to those appointments by now. And I don't have to worry about having another well-woman visit for a whole year, which is always good.

The checkup didn't take long and we did have a little bit of time to chat with the doctor. My main question that I wanted to ask was whether he thought that using Femara and Ovidrel was what made the difference for this pregnancy. Did it help our chances because we started with a really good egg? I had, of course, hoped that the answer would be yes. Unfortunately, his response was that we had either started with a really good egg... OR we had just gotten lucky this time.

Now, I know that you know that I attribute Lily's existence to God and His power. That won't ever change! I won't dwell on the whole matter of God or luck in this post because I think it's clear to you what I believe. And I don't think that the doctor was trying to discount that either. I think that, in his medical opinion, he simply can't determine medically whether the fertility meds aided in the success of our seventh pregnancy, or whether it was just the one that worked.

To be honest with you, it was the answer I feared. It would have been great to know that we could identify exactly what to do to increase our chances of another successful pregnancy. It would have been so reassuring to know that we had a solution -- a way to avoid going back to where we've been so many times in the past when we've gotten pregnant and lost the baby.

If/when we do try again, we will have to make the choice of either trying on our own or doing what we did last time. Either way, I know it will be in God's hands.

I'm thankful that we do have Lily. I'm grateful that God intervened and gave us a beautiful daughter to love here on earth. I'm confident that He knows what my future holds even when I feel scared to move forward.

And, no matter how it turns out, I'm relieved that I can trust Him instead of relying on luck.

Starting Again

2011-06-05T22:15:00.005-05:00

I know you can read a lot into a title like that. No, it doesn't mean that we are trying to have a baby again. Not yet, anyway. I have no idea when that might be, but we would love to have another baby someday if the Lord should allow it to happen again. At this point, the thought of trying again still scares me.

Starting over is a tough thing. I've been thinking about it a lot this week for two reasons. First of all, last Sunday was cycle day one. That means that I got my period... for the first time since December 21, 2009. It was the start of my first cycle since the baby was born, and I'll admit it came as a bit of a surprise. I guess I wasn't completely shocked -- I am still nursing, but only about 3-4 times a day now that Lily is eating mostly baby food. I'd started feeling kind of crampy a couple of days before and wondered if maybe...? Then Sunday morning I woke up and there it was.

Starting again.

I had mixed feelings. Mostly I felt sad because it feels like my baby is growing so fast. But I also felt sad because of all that this monthly visitor signifies. It reminds me of months and years of heartache and disappointments. And in a way it means that my "time off" from not obsessing over infertility/miscarriage is over. Having a break from that has been... wonderful. It has been incredibly healing for my heart that the subject hasn't been at the forefront of my mind for the past year and a half. It's not that I haven't worried. Oh, I have. Being pregnant after six miscarriages was absolutely not worry-free for me. Once the baby was here, though, I was able to focus all of my energy on taking care of her, and that's what I've done for the past eight months. That's what I'll continue to do, of course, but now I feel those questions and concerns creeping back in.

The other reason that starting over has been on my mind is that we have an appointment with our RE (our fertility specialist, Dr. G) this week. We haven't seen him since the end of my first trimester with Lily. We were supposed to schedule a visit with him when she was about 3 months old, but it just never happened. Her 3-month mark was right around Christmas and time just got away from us, so here we are 5 months later, finally making the appointment. I really don't even know what to expect from this visit or what we'll discuss. It's not that I feel pressure to jump right in to trying again or anything like that. I'm fully aware that the ball is in our court here. The only pressure I feel right now is time. I know that if we do have another baby, it's best to try sooner rather than later. Certainly I realize that having this appointment doesn't mean we have to start that timeline immediately.

And maybe it sounds funny, but I even feel kinda ridiculous talking about having another baby sometimes. Not because we don't want it. We really, really do. We talk about it often and imagine it regularly. A sibling for Lily...

Still I can't forget that it took six babies in heaven before we ever had one to keep on earth. What might it take to have a second? Will we have to go through loss again before we have another successful pregnancy? And like the last time, I know that we won't know those answers until we try. That's the scary part.

But like the last time, and every time before, I'm trusting the Lord. He knows IF and WHEN and HOW. Those are the big things that I wonder when I entertain thoughts of having another baby -- If it will even happen at all, and if so, when? More importantly, how?

I don't know what the next steps are right now. I don't know what starting again will look like or whether I'm even ready to think about it yet. For now I just want to be right here where I am, looking back on how far we've come and enjoying the here and now.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Thirteen years married, and so much has happened since our wedding day. Those 13 years include 6 years of recurrent pregnancy loss followed by 3 years of infertility. And finally now, almost a whole year of parenthood. I feel so fortunate to have this man that God gave me walking beside me through all of it.

Happy anniversary to the sweetest, kindest, funniest, and most supportive man I know!

Wordless Wednesday (Ready for Summer!)

2011-05-25T07:00:00.001-05:00

Eight Months

2011-05-22T22:19:00.004-05:00

Lily is now eight months old… sigh. Next she’ll be going off to college! That’s how it feels sometimes because she is growing and changing so much. Here’s the rundown of what Miss Lily has been doing:

Eating: Lily continues to be my good little eater. I try to introduce one or two new foods each week and she likes almost everything. The biggest new things she’s having these days are yogurt and meats (turkey and chicken). She’s not nuts over the yogurt, either because the taste is not her favorite, or maybe because she’s not used to eating cold things.

She’s doing really well with her baby foods, and I think we’ll soon be giving her Stage 3 and chunkier foods. Right now she still wakes up to nurse around 6:30 AM. I feed her her breakfast of oatmeal and fruit at 9:30 AM. Lunchtime is 12:30, and I give her some of a meat dinner with one or two veggies. Then she usually has a mixed fruit or yogurt snack around 3:00. For dinner around 6:00 she has barley or brown rice cereal with another portion of a meat dinner and veggies. She will usually nurse again before bed around 7:30. Lily does nurse about 2 or 3 times during the day between meals as well. She will sometimes have a few sips of water or diluted apple juice after a meal, but so far she doesn’t seem to be a big drinker.

Whew! All of this eating sure does keep me on my toes. I have to pay attention to the schedule, especially because Lily doesn’t really cry when she’s hungry anymore. I pretty much watch the clock and feed her her meals regularly.

Sleeping: This month sleep has been the biggest challenge in our home. I don’t know what happened to my baby who used to sleep 9-10 hours straight at night!

Well, first things first: we made the big move to her crib in her own room around 7.5 months. It was our first night home after being away at my mom’s all week, so we thought it would be a good time for the transition. And she did really well for about a week or two. Lily’s sleep regression (if that’s what it is) started around 6.5 months, so I really don’t think it has much to do with sleeping in her crib. At first I was beside myself because she was waking up 2 or 3 times a night. That was nothing! Over the past two weeks the night wakings have increased to 6 times and sometimes more. Lily goes right back to sleep when we pick her up and she sleeps great… when we hold her. I know that people will suggest letting her cry it out, but I can’t do that. I just don’t have it in me. Instead, we have been trying to reduce the number of times we do go in (recognizing when it’s just her “sleepy cry” when she will go back to sleep on her own) and making sure to put her right back in her bed when we do pick her up rather than holding or rocking for hours. She is getting better about soothing herself when she wakes up, or requiring less intervention from us when she becomes really upset. Now we can usually just pat her or hold her hand for a few minutes until she settles back down and goes to sleep. We have also switched from white noise to some soothing music in her room at night and I think that helps.

We are much better off now than we were a week ago. Hopefully it will keep moving in the right direction. I think she is on her way to learning that her bed is a nice, cozy place to drift off to sleep. (*fingers crossed*) I have read that this is a common issue for babies this age, which makes me feel better I guess, but I’m still reading a couple of books (as quickly as I can) that I hope will help us get through this and, most importantly, help Lily to get a good night’s sleep. Oh yes, and we’re looking forward once again to the day when we’ll wake up well-rested at her normal wake-up time of 6:30 and realize that she slept all the way through!

Her naps seem to be unaffected by all of this night-time stuff. She’s taking two a day, one in mid- to late-morning and one in early afternoon, each about an hour long. And we have finally succeeded in making her bedtime earlier, usually between 7:30 and 8:00.

Milestones: It’s definitely true that lack of sleep has made us all a bit crazy this month, but honestly the good has far outweighed the bad. For example, Lily started giving kisses all on her own about a week ago. It is the sweetest thing EVER. Sometimes one of her precious, slobbery, open-mouthed kisses is all I need to get through a tough day! Those spontaneous kisses are so precious, and now she is learning to recognize what it means when we ask her for a kiss.

Also new this month – Lily now blows raspberries with her mouth and chews on her toes.

She babbles a whole lot more now than she used to, and we sure do enjoy hearing her voice and listening to all of her sweet new sounds. (No intentional words yet; her favorite “word” right now sounds like “abwa.”)

Her other cute new trick is that she can play peekaboo (we call it “peep eye” where I come from). If there is a blanket or burp cloth within reach, she will put it over her head and wait for us to ask “Where’s Lily?” so she can pull it down and get a big reaction out of us. It’s so cute and she loves this game, as I guess most babies do!

Lily’s looks are changing quite a bit as she grows. We used to hear everyone say that she looked so much like me, but now the general opinion is that she looks more like her daddy. What do you think?

My First Mother's Day

2011-05-10T22:10:00.007-05:00

Sunday was my first Mother's Day to celebrate.

I feel like I've been a mother before this year, of course, but this was my first one with a baby in my arms. In previous years I had the heart of a mother, but I'd never been able to hold my babies, see their faces, or even know their names. Unfortunately, no one really recognizes you as a mother in that case, besides maybe a few caring family members and special, sensitive friends.

I think it will always be a day of mixed feelings. I can't erase all the years of hurt that I used to feel on that day, but I will rejoice for the child that I've been given. I'll always miss the six little ones who aren't here, and I'll always feel a heaviness in my heart for all of my precious friends who will be hurting and grieving and dreading the day.

For a long time I didn't know whether I'd ever be on the other side of recurrent miscarriage, but I did know that if it ever did happen to me, I wouldn't care about feeling honored or celebrated on Mother's Day. For me, the gift was my daughter, my miracle, my answered prayer, and my healing heart. It wasn't a day about me; it was a day about the power of my God. Although it was a long and rocky road to get there, He finally brought the two of us together in His own time and His own way. Sometimes I didn't wait patiently. Sometimes I felt angry, confused, bitter, and hopeless. But God mercifully made a way for a baby to grow in my womb, and that's what I celebrated on Mother's Day.

I wanted to have a simple, sweet day with my husband and daughter, and that's exactly what it was. It was a beautiful day here in Texas, and although I specifically told my husband that I didn't expect gifts, flowers, etc., he did all of that anyway (which is true to form). It was really, really special. After a sweet morning at home just the three of us, we went to church in a nearby town where we'd been invited to watch my dear friend's daughter perform in a play. It wasn't a Mother's Day service at all, but the pastor did recognize the occasion briefly during the welcome. I was touched that, on my first time in church on Mother's Day in probably 5 or 6 years, this particular pastor made a point to pay tribute to all women present. He had the men and children come forward to take a flower and hand it out to mothers, grandmothers, aunts, teachers, or any other women who had impacted their lives, and I thought that it was done just right. It was a far cry from some of the really isolating, lonely Mother's Day church services that I'd experienced in the past. I'm sure it may be true that my heart is different now, but I genuinely felt that it was the kind of moment that would have left most women in just about any circumstance or stage of life feeling pretty appreciated and special. It was great.

We had lunch with our friends afterward (I was so proud that Lily again sat so well through the entire service!) and returned home to a fun afternoon of ice cream and a walk in the park. It was a perfect and lovely day.

Of course I did miss not being with my own mom on that day. We knew after being there for the past two weekends that we wouldn't be together for Mother's Day, but my mom was able to spend the day with her mother, who hasn't been doing well lately. And my sweet mom sent me a precious card that touched my heart so much. I wanted to share with you what she wrote that brought tears to my eyes when I read it.

Stace,

It is with great awe of our heavenly Father that I am able to send you this card. Years ago I found this card... I kept this waiting and praying for God to give you a miracle and the desire of your broken heart. Oh, what a beautiful blessing He gave to all of us... our sweet, precious, and beautiful Lily Rae!
You are the wonderful mother I always knew that you'd be. Cherish each minute, because they grow so fast. My heart just overflows with love every time I see her. Enjoy your first Mother's Day, and to God be all the glory!

I love you,
Mom

To God be the glory!
Amen, Mom. Amen.

Mother's Day 2011, My Longing Fulfilled

For Mother's Day

2011-05-07T00:00:00.001-05:00

Mother’s Day has been an emotional day for me for a number of years. It’s one of those days, like so many holidays, that can bring up a lot of hurt when you’re on the outside looking in. When you are a mother without her children here on earth or are struggling with infertility, it can be such a painful, hard day.

For years I tried to handle this day not by ignoring it altogether, but by focusing on celebrating my own amazing mom and the special women in my life. I made sure that I was surrounded by my family on that day every year, as often as possible. We were almost never home on Mother’s Day, choosing instead to spend it with my family or my in-laws so that my mind wouldn’t be on all that I’d lost.

We announced our first pregnancy to my mom on Mother’s Day nine years ago. I was so full of joy and excitement on that day, and boy was I naïve, too. Miscarriage was nowhere on my radar. I knew some women who had been through it, including my own mother. My mom lost the baby she was carrying after she had me, and she has always talked with us about that loss. She wanted that baby and was very sad when her pregnancy ended too soon. I know she still thinks about him or her more than thirty years later, wondering what might have been. I sometimes wondered what it would have been like to have a younger sibling close to my age, but I really never thought about miscarriage happening to me. I certainly never ever imagined that it would happen to me six times, and that my body would fail to support a pregnancy over and over again.

My husband and I were talking this week about how having Lily has changed things for us. She has changed everything, but perhaps not only in the most obvious ways. I told him how this Mother’s Day feels so different. In the past, I missed the babies that we lost so much. It’s a different kind of missing, though – not the kind where you miss someone you once knew and have a memory of their face or their laugh or something you did or shared together. I missed them in the sense of feeling an absence. My life was missing them, or to be more clear, they were missing from my life, and in their place was a huge, empty hole. Lily hasn’t taken their place, but she has filled that hole in my heart and fulfilled the desire that I had to have a child and be a mother.

In a way that I didn’t expect, though, she makes me miss the babies I miscarried from a whole new perspective. Now that I have Lily, it makes me realize much more clearly what was lost. We didn’t just lose six fuzzy images on an ultrasound screen. We lost our children, each one unique and special and loved. Now that I’ve seen Lily’s round, rosy cheeks, looked into her dark eyes, and heard her squeal with laughter; now that I’ve rocked her to sleep every single day for seven and a half months, I realize more than ever before that I will always miss the babies that we didn’t get to keep with us. She makes me understand how much I did love them and how much more I could have loved them every day. As long as I’m here and they are not, they will be missing from my life. And as long as I go on missing them, I will all the more appreciate the miracle that I’ve been given.

My perspective is very different this year for Mother’s Day. I suspected it would be so, but some of the feelings have surprised me. Most of all, of course, I feel full and happy and grateful. I don’t feel that emptiness anymore. I’m profoundly thankful and humbled that I have someone here who calls me “Mommy.” Well, she can’t talk just yet, but there’s a sweet baby girl whose face lights up when I enter the room and who thinks I’m the funniest person in the whole world (even funnier than Daddy!), and I can’t believe I get to be her mother.

Flowers, cards, and gifts are all lovely things, but I have my gift already. It’s so much more than I ever dreamed, and it’s more than enough.

As always… praying for those of you who are waiting, especially on this day.

First Easter

2011-05-04T12:34:00.008-05:00

Mommy and Lily - Easter 2011

We had a wonderful first Easter with Lily this year!

The three of us went to Louisiana to stay with my mom for the weekend (and Lily and I stayed all week). We all attended Easter services at my sister's church, where her father-in-law is the pastor. It felt really good to be back in church again. You may recall that the small mission church where we had been serving for the past 8 years closed just about a month before Lily was born, and we have not yet looked for a new church home. We were happy to be able to take Lily to church for the first time on Resurrection Sunday! My family occupied an entire pew that morning, and it was so good to be there and worship together.

Showing off her Easter outfit :)

I truly had no idea how Lily would do during the service. I was fully prepared to spend at least part (if not all) of it out in the foyer with her, but she surprised me by sitting quietly in my sister's lap the entire time! She enjoyed the music and played with a toy during the message and we never heard a peep out of her. She hammed it up a bit toward the end for the folks sitting behind us, too, making sweet eyes and cute faces at them. I was so proud of my little Easter Lily! We were just delighted that she did so well, and while I'm sure it probably won't go that perfectly every time, it encouraged me about starting our quest soon to find a new church where we live.

Of course, Lily got some Easter baskets filled with goodies: board books, teethers, and small stuffed animals that are perfect for her right now.

We were happy to share little Easter surprises with our sweet nephews, too. I'm so glad I could be there to spend lots of time with them during their Spring Break. My 8-year-old nephew lost his two front teeth just before we arrived, and boy was I happy that it happened before I got there. Pulling teeth has always, always given me the creeps!

A trip home to Louisiana wouldn't be complete without awesome food, and we had plenty of it! I ate rice and gravy to my heart's content, and Lily was happy as a clam because someone was always available to hold her and play with her. It was lots of fun being there to celebrate and go out to eat for my sister's birthday, too.

I finally got my long hair chopped off later in the week as well. My last haircut was about 8 months ago, so you can imagine how good it felt! It was also a treat to be able to watch the Royal Wedding with my mom. We got up and watched it together in the wee hours of the morning, oohing and ahhing over every little detail. Did you guys watch and enjoy it as much as we did?

Lily and I had a lovely week away, but we sure did miss Daddy! He came back to get us the following weekend and I know he was happy to have his baby girl back home.

Seven Months

2011-04-21T21:14:00.006-05:00

Lily Rae is seven months old today!

I imagine that every month I'll write about how quickly time is passing, but I especially feel it every month on the 21st when Lily's age increases. Her daddy and I have decided that we want to keep saying that she is six months old for a little while longer!

Here's what she's up to.

Eating: Lily is now eating a pretty good variety of food. So far she likes all of the fruit we have tried (bananas, peaches, apples, prunes, and pears), and some of the vegetables. Carrots and sweet potatoes are her very favorites. She will eat squash and sweet peas only if I mix them with other veggies, but she absolutely does not like green beans. She is still eating her oatmeal and rice cereal, and we have now added barley cereal and brown rice cereal, as well as the cereals with fruit mixed in. She has recently started eating some of the stage 2 combination foods as well. There's not a whole lot to report about her eating lately. I'm very glad that she finally got over her loss of appetite after her six-month shots and is eating well again. While I haven't completely given up on making homemade baby food, the vast majority of food I've given her this month has been store bought. I love giving her the homemade stuff out of the freezer when it's available, but the fact is that it's hard to find a free Saturday or weeknight to make and store new food. Hopefully we can experiment with some other foods soon.

Trying out her high chair

We are still nursing also. It's going pretty well, but nursing during the day is beginning to taper off a bit, I think. I still offer it, though I guess it makes sense that she will want/need less and less milk now that she is eating more solid food. Lily still nurses really well for her first and last feedings of the day; she is just getting too busy and distracted to nurse for longer than a few minutes during the day. She would much rather play! I'm thrilled that we've made it to seven months, considering that my "big goal" starting out was six months. For now I'm planning to keep going and follow her lead in the coming weeks/months.

Sleeping: Oh dear. Sleeping. It's really not horrible, but it's not as good as it used to be. I've read about and heard others talk about the six/seven month sleep regression and I think we've been dealing with it at our house. Also, we "weaned" Lily from swaddling and I think that has made a difference also. We did it gradually, leaving one arm out for several weeks first and finally trying it with both arms free. That first night was awful! We actually went back to leaving one arm out of the swaddle for a little while before trying it again. Lily does pretty well now sleeping in her sleep sack with her arms free. We decided to stop swaddling because she had started rolling over. I'm glad we went ahead with it, even though she never does roll onto her tummy in bed. Just in case, though.

Anyway, we have had a few rough nights this month with Lily randomly waking up during the night. Most of the time she just needs a touch and some humming/shushing to settle her, but a few times we have spent an hour or longer trying to get her to go back to sleep. And I think that the right time has finally presented itself for moving her from the bassinet to the crib. It's a transition that we're going to tackle in the next week or two, and I think everyone will sleep better once we do it. Of course, we will still hear her on the monitor and respond when she needs us, but having her in her own room will mean that we won't constantly worry about waking her up when we walk across the noisy floor, use the bathroom, or even turn over in our creaky bed! I certainly will miss having her in her little bassinet in my room, but I feel like the time is right.

"I'm getting too big for this bed!"

Generally speaking, Lily still goes to bed around 8:30 or 9 PM (we're trying to make this earlier) and wakes up to eat between 6 and 7 AM. I can usually get her to snooze with me until about 9 before we start the day. She still takes two naps most days, although I'm afraid she's getting ready to give up her early evening nap. That will be okay with me as long as we can achieve that earlier bedtime.

Milestones: Lily is better at sitting up now. I'll put the Boppy around her if I need to walk away because she occasionally will fall over, but she is doing much better with it on her own. When Lily is playing on her tummy, she has started pushing up a little bit on her knees but no scooting or crawling yet. Boy, will our world change when she figures out how to get around! I know it's just around the corner.

One of the sweet pics taken by our talented friend, Crystal, this month.

Lily is grabbing everything in sight now. This week, for the first time, she pulled the glasses completely off of her great-aunt's face and tried to chew on them! Everything goes straight into her mouth, of course. The sweetest new thing I've noticed this month is that Lily is beginning to understand the little games that we play with her. She smiles when I say I'm going to "get her," even if I say it in a normal voice, because she knows that she's about to get tickled. She definitely responds to her own name now, also. Lily still LOVES for me to sing to her. Loves it! I feel like I sing all the livelong day, but my baby girl sure does enjoy it for some reason. If I am rocking her to sleep or even nursing her lately, she will look up at me and "fuss" and grab at my mouth with her little hand until I start singing, that little stinker! Her favorite songs are the Alphabet Song/Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (an easy transition for me if I get tired of one or the other since they have the same tune), The Wheels on the Bus, and the hymn 'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus. There are other songs that she likes, but those are her favorites by far.

We have really been enjoying our outings with Lily lately. She can now ride up front in the shopping cart at the store, and she's also big enough for her upright stroller now. Last weekend we spent an afternoon shopping at the mall and Lily loved being pushed around in her stroller. We've made a few trips to the park this month also and she adores being outside.

At the park

That's what's new with my sweet Lily-girl this month. We're getting ready to leave tomorrow to spend a whole week with my family in Louisiana! It's Easter, of course, but it's also my sister's birthday on Monday and she (a teacher) and my nephews are on spring break from school all week long. We are so looking forward to some much-needed family time with them and with my mom. I love this time of year, and I wish you all a very happy Easter weekend!

Short Update and Pics

2011-04-14T22:41:00.006-05:00

Hello friends! It's been a long time away from the blog this month. There are lots of things I'd like to write about lately, so I'm hoping to be a little bit better about managing my time. I thought I'd write just a quick update and share a few of Lily's six-month pictures that we had made at Target a few weeks ago. In another week she'll be seven months old already!

Lily had her six-month checkup with her doctor at the beginning of this month (so she was really 6.5 months old). I have to say I knew that she'd grown quite a bit this time but her weight surprised me a little! My chunky monkey weighed 17 pounds and 3 ounces and was just over 26 inches long. She has now doubled her birth weight and her doctor says she is doing great.

I'm so thankful that she has been doing so well, and the introduction of solid foods has been a success. It kind-of freaked me out, then, that the day after her checkup she wanted absolutely nothing to do with her cereal, fruits, or vegetables. I figured she just wasn't feeling like herself and had lost her appetite because of the nasty shots and fever that she always has the next day, but it continued for an entire week, long after the fever was gone. Each day she seemed to get a little bit better, though, so I guess she just needed some time. Thankfully, she was still nursing regularly even though she'd lost interest in other food. It is a relief to see her back to her old self again and eating like a champ. I am very, very happy that she won't have to have any shots for six more months!

Here are some of our favorites from her photo shoot at Target. (It did take two attempts to get a good session. The first one wound up being too close to nap time and we had a fussy baby on our hands! Our rescheduled session went great.) It's amazing to see how much she has changed in the couple of weeks since we had these pictures taken. She is now sitting up without support and I think her hair has even grown a bit. It seems she is growing and changing faster than we can keep up!

As you can see, she still has no teeth! Love that gummy baby smile. :)

Six Months

2011-03-23T22:00:00.001-05:00

Monday was Lily's half birthday! Six months already. Goodness gracious.

It seems that she has had a big growth spurt this month. She hasn't changed a whole lot personality-wise in the past four weeks, but she has definitely gotten BIGGER. The other day I tried to dress her in an outfit she had worn a week or two earlier and it was way too small. I could barely snap it around her neck. Just last night her daddy tried to put her in a favorite pair of pajamas, and I swear she was an inch or two too long for them. She is growing rapidly, which I'm sure has a lot to do with the changes in her diet this month.
Here's the rundown:

Eating: Lily started rice cereal the day she turned 5 months old. It was slow going that first week as we were practicing and she was learning a new skill. We stuck with only rice cereal once a day for the first two weeks as she got more and more confident about eating from a spoon. I mixed the cereal with breastmilk, thickening the mixture up a bit each time. By the end of the second week she was doing great! The third week I started her on oatmeal as well, and she had 2-3 tablespoons of that in the morning and about 4 tablespoons of rice cereal in the evenings. By week four, we were ready to start fruits and vegetables. Following the four-day wait rule (to watch for allergies), I slowly introduced bananas (mashed with a fork) and pureed carrots over the next couple of weeks. Because I wanted to keep her "regular" with all these changes and the additional iron in her diet, I started giving her pureed prunes as well. This has seemed to help a great deal with her digestion. This week we added barley cereal for the first time, and by the end of the week we will introduce another veggie -- I think sweet potatoes.
I'm so proud of Lily for being such a great little eater. She hasn't refused anything and seems eager to try new foods. She takes a cautious taste of the first spoonful and then eagerly opens her mouth for a bite until her bowl is empty! She especially likes the carrots and bananas at this stage.

Right now a typical day of meals looks like this:
6:30 AM: Breastmilk only
10:30 AM: Breastmilk, 4 Tbsp oatmeal, 1/3 mashed banana OR 1/2 container pureed prunes
3:00 PM: Breastmilk, "snack" of pureed carrots OR mashed banana
6:30 PM: Breastmilk, 4 Tbsp rice cereal OR barley cereal, 1/2 container pureed carrots
9:00 PM: Breastmilk only
(These are approximate times, but she follows this schedule pretty closely on a typical day.)

Lily is still getting most of her nutrition from nursing at this point. I nurse her before every solid food feeding and use expressed breastmilk for mixing up her cereals. This has been fairly easy to keep up with for the first month, but I'm finding it more and more difficult to keep a supply of pumped milk available for mixing with food. Early on I tried mixing her oatmeal with formula once but she didn't eat well for that meal. I gave up on that for a while, but I tried it again for one meal this week and she seemed to not notice a difference. Hopefully I can start doing this more often now to get her used to the taste and to give myself a bit of a break.
Overall, I'm very pleased with how well she is doing with the introduction of new foods. One of her favorite things in the world is when she finishes a meal and I say "All done!" and her daddy and I clap and cheer. She LOVES it and responds with the biggest smiles!

This week I tried my hand at making some homemade baby food. I cooked and pureed sweet potatoes and pears, and pureed some fresh papaya, storing it all in the freezer to try later. It went pretty well and I'm eager to see how she'll like them. I plan on trying to make my own applesauce, and steamed and pureed green beans and peas as well. I probably won't make everything Lily eats (I have no problem giving her store-bought baby foods), but I think it's worth giving it a try. My husband and I were able to work on some of it together, which ended up being kinda fun.

Pureed pears & papaya

Mashed sweet potatoes

Sleeping: There really are no big changes in Lily's sleeping patterns since last month. One thing that I started doing differently, though, is after her early morning feeding, instead of returning her to her bassinet, I've started bringing her into the bed with me and we both sleep until about 9:00. I absolutely love this sweet time for the two of us to snuggle and rest together for an hour or two before starting the day. I consider that her first nap, although it could be more of a continuation of her nighttime sleep. She naps again after lunch (around 12:30) and again in the evening (around 5:00). Those naps last anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours.
Lily is usually ready for bed by 9 PM if not a little bit sooner. She either falls asleep while nursing or I rock her to sleep. It's not uncommon for her to wake up once during the night, but if she does, her daddy rocks her back to sleep and it usually takes only a few minutes.

Milestones: This month Lily is getting better at sitting up on her own. She can do it in the "tripod" position, supported by her hands and arms while leaning forward, for several seconds at a time. I've noticed that her fine motor skills are improving, and she is learning to reach out and grab things that are close by. I have to be careful not to hold her bowl too close when feeding her! She can also reach out and find a toy that she has dropped if it's close enough.
Just this week I can hear her forming some new sounds when she babbles. I've heard a few "ba" and "ma" sounds, and that is definitely something brand new.
Every day I look in her mouth and run my finger along her gums to check for teeth, but there aren't any there. She has been chewing and drooling a lot over the past two months but nothing has happened yet.

Lily will have her six-month checkup and shots in a couple of weeks. I'm dreading it, as always! Those shots still break my heart. I'm always eager to hear a good report, though, and see how much my girl has grown. I think she'll be tipping the scales this time, that little chunk!

Thanks for keeping up with my girl and following along with us as she grows. We had some portraits taken of her at Target last week, and I know we're biased, but we think they are pretty adorable! I'll have to share some of our favorites with you soon.

Expressions

2011-03-09T15:51:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I really am speechless. I love this girl so much!

True or False

2011-03-03T23:00:00.001-06:00

When you are trying to have a baby, there is no shortage of advice that people want to give you. What many think are helpful and wise suggestions become pretty routine to you when you have been facing infertility for several years. When I finally became pregnant and it looked like this baby was going to be here to stay, I realized that the advice doesn't quit! Ah, and it continues on and on well after your baby is born. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of good advice. Admitting that I need help or that I'm wrong about something has never been a weakness of mine. But I think we can all agree that sometimes unsolicited advice can be pretty annoying.

I'm going to address some of the advice we've gotten and predictions that turned out to be true and some that didn't, but the key words here are "for me." I don't mean for this post to be negative, but simply to show that not everything works out exactly the same way for every person. Something that works for me may very well not work for you, and vice versa. And I had never really understood just how true that was until I went through recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility. It's amazing how hard it is to find someone whose experience is exactly like yours. Sure, a lot are similar, but it's rare to find one exactly the same because everyone is coming from an entirely different place. We have different bodies, different problems, different doctors, and different outcomes. Then I came to understand how truly different and unique babies are. They may grow and develop over a similar timeline, but their personalities are certainly unique.

At the same time, I recognize that we can only speak from our own experiences. A lot can be said and learned from a good suggestion or word of mouth. At any rate, I'll keep this post light and try to share some of the good, the bad, and the silly when it comes to some of the advice and predictions I've heard over the past year or so.

1. You'll never read a book/watch TV/see a movie again once the baby comes. False.
Okay, I'm going to pretty much call this one "true" for me in the first month or so after the baby. It's hard to get into a schedule and figure things out in those first weeks. All you can think about is eating and sleeping (for the baby and for yourself), but after a little while you can begin to enjoy some of those things again. I used to hear this statement all the time. As far as reading goes, in my opinion if you love reading, you will find time to do it. Nursing has provided a great opportunity for me to continue to read (or to watch some TV shows on the DVR). It's at a slower pace, though, and these days I rarely choose it over sleep once I get in bed at night, but I have finished a few books in the past 6 months.
We have been to only one movie since September. Around my birthday in January, my sister-in-law came over to watch Lily for a few hours while my husband and I went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. It was our first (and remains our only) outing without the baby, but we prefer to spend most of our time all together, the three of us. There are some sacrifices that I knew would come which I consider totally worth the trade-off.

2. Your breastfed baby will never sleep through the night. False.
I heard this more than once when I was expecting Lily. I was planning to nurse, and although I didn't really encounter any opposition, some people seemed convinced that my baby was going to be too hungry to sleep unless we gave her formula at night or started cereal at 4 weeks (yes, 4 weeks!). While I know it's true that breastfed babies need to eat a bit more often, I think Lily is doing a great job with sleep. She started giving us 6-7 hour stretches at night months ago and now sleeps for 9-10 hours before waking up to eat.

3. Time will pass by more quickly than ever. True.
I've said before than when you're in the middle of IF/RPL, the days seem to drag on but the years go pretty quickly -- meaning that before you know it, you feel like you've lost nearly a decade of your life. Well, ever since my daughter was born, I truly don't know where the days, weeks, and months have gone. All of the people who told me that the months after the baby came would feel much faster than the months I spent pregnant were totally right. I feel like Lily's first year will be over before we know it. She will be 6 months old in just a few short weeks and that seems impossible.

4. The assumption that our problems with fertility are over now that we've had a baby. False.
The truth is that we are enjoying life as a family of three right now and trying not to spend too much time thinking about what might come next. We aren't guaranteed another pregnancy, and we know that is our reality. Even if we should get that chance in the future, our concerns will be much the same as they were last year. Of course I hope that Lily might have a sibling someday. It does give me some reassurance that it could happen again now that a baby has survived in my body, but my record is still not impressive. Still, I hold on to the same promise that nothing is impossible with God.

5. Your life will be totally different. True.
I think that when people told us that our lives would change drastically, some meant it in a positive way and some in a negative way. And I won't lie to you and tell you that I think waking up every single day and taking care of a baby is easy, but I'm finally doing what I always wanted to do. My love for this baby makes even the hard days worth it. After wishing for her for so many years, I certainly don't take this privilege for granted! My life IS totally different now, and for that, I'm thankful.

Five Months

2011-02-21T23:00:00.001-06:00

Where is the time going? My girl is five months old today, and it seems that the time is passing faster than ever.

Lily remains around the 50th percentile for weight and the 75th percentile for height. Lately she is looking so chunky to me, which I find completely adorable.
Here's a quick rundown of what she has been up to:

Eating - We are still breastfeeding. In the beginning when it came to nursing, I really didn't know how it would go, so I tried to set small, reasonable goals for myself along the way. First I just tried to get past those difficult first 3 weeks and then make it to 6 weeks. After that, the goal of 3 months was so much easier but still had its challenges. Now we're a month away from the 6 month mark, which was my "big goal." Anything beyond that to me is great and I'll consider it a bonus!
Lily nurses about every 4 hours during the day and wakes up to eat once during the night. Just today I decided to try feeding her rice cereal with a spoon. She has been giving several cues that she might be ready, so I gave it a shot today just to experiment. I thought she did pretty well with it. I think she may have swallowed a few bites! She certainly was interested, so I'll keep trying her out with it over the next few weeks as we get ready to introduce some other new foods like oatmeal, fruits, and vegetables. It feels like a whole new (kinda scary/intimidating) world.

Sleeping - Lily is doing very well with nighttime sleeping. She goes to bed around 9 PM and usually doesn't wake up until around 7 AM. Most mornings she will even go back to sleep for another hour or two after that first feeding. We are typically up for the day around 8:00, and on rare occasions, 9:00. Nap times aren't as easy, but it's going okay. I've learned to anticipate when she will be ready to nap so she doesn't get overly tired and cranky. Even then, though, sometimes she fights sleep so hard. On a good day, she will take about 3 naps, ranging from 1.5 hours to 2.5 hours at a time. I'm pretty happy with her "schedule" as it is now. It's not super rigid, which I guess is a good thing. One big thing I've learned in the past 5 months is that just when you get used to a baby's routine, they tend to throw you a curve ball or two. It certainly keeps me on my toes.
We are still putting her to bed in her bassinet in our bedroom. Soon we will have to transition her to her crib in her room, a thought which still makes my stomach hurt a little.

Milestones - In the past few weeks Lily has picked up a few new skills. She now grabs her feet just about every time she's on her back. She hasn't put them in her mouth yet, but I'm sure that's coming. She has recently mastered rolling from her back to her tummy. It's cute to watch her practice this new trick, but it has made her play time a bit frustrating for her. She gets tired of being on her tummy and can't always figure out how to roll back over, so I usually have to go rescue her after a while.

Playing - Lily does enjoy her time playing on a blanket on the floor. Her favorite toys right now are her Links, soft blocks, her Baby Einstein piano, and picture books. She continues to love it when I sing to her, and her favorite songs are the ABC song (she smiles every single time), and The Wheels on the Bus, which works pretty well when she is fussy and needs settling down. Some days I am flat out exhausted from singing all day long!

This is what my days are like with this sweet, growing 5 month old. I'm finding that parenting is one of the most challenging yet rewarding things I've ever done. Taking care of a little one every day is more hard work and more of an adjustment that I'd ever imagined, but it fills my days with more smiles and love and joy than I'd ever hoped for.

Love

2011-02-14T00:00:00.000-06:00

This baby girl has won my heart.

I'm enamored with her. Besotted. Smitten. I'm totally twitterpated.

I love nursing her during the night/early morning. She is drowsy but very hungry, and after about a half hour of eating she has fallen back into a deep sleep. I lift her swaddled body up to my chest, her head on my shoulder, to try and burp her before putting her back to bed. This is really the only time she lets me hold her this way now that she is older. If she is facing the right way I can feel her breath on my neck while I rock her and pat her back. Even though I'm tired, I usually sit for a few extra minutes because I'm not ready to let go of her.

I love waking up to the sound of her voice and peeking over the side of her bassinet to find her playing happily. When her eyes meet mine, she squeals with delight and, first thing in the morning, before I even get out of bed, it makes my day. I unwrap her and her spring-loaded arms immediately stretch out above her head. After a good stretch, her hands go directly in her mouth. Some mornings I scoop her up and put her next to me in my bed so we can snuggle for a few minutes. She reaches out and touches my face while I talk to her and my heart overflows.

I love taking her into her room for the first diaper change of the day. The sun is particularly bright in there, and it takes her a minute to adjust her eyes to the light streaming in through the window above her changing table. I talk to her about the day: what the weather is like; what we might be doing that day. Sometimes I change her clothes, but some days we stay in our pajamas all day.

I love how she looks toward the door when she hears the sound of her daddy coming home for lunch. Ever since she first learned to smile, her face lights up when she sees him. This baby girl loves her daddy. I love the sounds of laughter coming from her room while he changes her diaper. I love sitting at the table, all three of us, for lunch and dinner. Lily is usually up on the table in her Bumbo seat or sitting in Daddy's lap while we eat. She enjoys watching us put food in our mouths and I wonder what kinds of foods she will like or dislike one day. In a matter of weeks she will try rice cereal for the first time, and fruits and vegetables won't be far behind. I can't believe how quickly she is growing up.

I love our quiet times during the day when it's time for her to eat. We get settled in the big, roomy chair in the living room and she nurses while I read a book or watch TV. My favorite part is her hands, which are never still. She rubs them on my arm, grasps my fingers, tugs at my shirt. They are chubby and dimpled and oh-so-sweet.

I love discovering her ticklish spots. Sometimes when I gently run my finger along the bottom of her chin or lightly touch anywhere around her neck, it cracks her up. She usually hates having her nose cleaned, but it occasionally makes her giggle. Lately her sides and tummy have become ticklish as well. I love blowing raspberries on her soft skin and watching her eyelids flutter. Her laughter is music to my ears.

I love kissing her plump cheeks and her drooly chin. I absolutely adore the smell of her breath. The other day I compared it to a fresh bag of candy corn. It smells like pure sugar, and I can't get enough of it!

I love getting her ready for bed. She has always adored bath time. I let the soapy water out of her tub and fill it up again with clean, warm water just so she can play for a few extra minutes. I love the smell of her nighttime lotion and the way that her hair is all fuzzy after it's been towel-dried. I love wrapping her up and rocking her to sleep at bedtime. I love the way she gazes up at me while I tell her a story and sing songs. I get completely lost in her big, dark eyes that are not quite brown and not quite green.

And I love watching her drift off to sleep, knowing that in about ten hours we'll do it all over again.

A Longing Fulfilled

2011-02-06T22:28:00.004-06:00

After much consideration, I've decided to change my blog up a little. My hubby has been helping me create a new header and change the template, but the most important change is the title. I will still be sharing my thoughts about how infertility and miscarriage have affected my life; that's why I started a blog in the first place. My perspective has changed a bit now that my life has changed a great deal. I wanted to rename the blog to reflect that, using a favorite Bible verse:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

Miscarriage brought about a lot of changes in my life -- in who I am and how I relate to others, and in many other ways. It was my "hope deferred." All I ever wanted to do with my life was to be a wife and mother. It became very healing to write about my experience, but I wish that I had started blogging about it much earlier than I did. By the time I started blogging in 2008, I had lost six babies and, while I certainly wasn't alone thanks to my family and a few very supportive friends, I had been through recurrent pregnancy loss without having people around me who could truly understand what it felt like. My heart was sick, to say the least. I didn't know what else to do except to finally open up and write about it. I didn't know if anyone would ever read what I wrote, but it felt great just to get it all out.

The past few years have brought with them great healing for me. Blogging has been part of that. Having the opportunity to have a successful pregnancy was definitely a huge part of it. Bringing home a living, healthy, beautiful baby after so much pain and loss, after so many years of hoping, has been my longing fulfilled. Lily has changed my life and my heart. She is the answer to so many prayers. Every single day that I get to wake up and be her mother is an incredible blessing to me. It's something I don't take for granted. And I know I say this often, but I can't forget about the babies that I lost. I don't want to forget about them. They didn't live or grow for very long inside my body, but they certainly did in my heart. They were loved and they were wanted and we will always feel their absence. I believe that one day we will see them again, although I have no idea what it will look like or feel like when that happens. But it makes me look forward to heaven even more.

So, this is the same book, I guess, but a different chapter. It's still part of my story, and I'm very grateful to those of you who read it.

Four Months

2011-01-21T20:00:00.000-06:00

Lily Rae is four months old today!

I used to say that six months was my favorite age for a baby. I always loved that age because they were playful, smiley, and chunky, and they usually could stay put in one spot. I'm sure I'll love it when Lily gets there, but right now it's hard to imagine any age cuter than three to four months. I've been enjoying this stage so much. Besides, all the things I love about the six month stage are true about her now!

Right now my girl weighs just under 13 pounds. Her four-month checkup isn't scheduled until February 1, so I'll know her exact weight and height then. We did have to see her doctor last week because she wasn't feeling well. It's so sad when you do your very best to keep your baby protected and healthy but something manages to creep in. I'd noticed for a day or two that her poopy diapers didn't look quite right. The color was different and I thought I noticed some mucus in them as well. On the third day I called to check with the nurse. Lily hadn't been running a fever (I'd been checking), so they told me to just watch her for another day and save the next diaper if it looked the same. That was the plan, until later that afternoon she refused to nurse. I couldn't get her to eat for the life of me. She would just cry and cry when I tried to feed her. I called the doctor's office back and they said to bring her in. After listening to her symptoms, he said it sounded like she had a little intestinal infection that was causing her pain when she tried to eat. He wanted me to try again to see if she would nurse, and he left the room to give us some privacy. She did eat, poor thing. At that point she had not eaten for about 7 hours (which sounds bad, but I guess she had really missed only one feeding).

The doctor said we did the right thing to call and come in before she got dehydrated. Of course, I would have kept trying to feed her at home too, but I was glad we went because he checked her ears and throat and all of that and said they all looked great. It is always reassuring to know that she's gaining weight, and she weighed 12 lbs, 13.8 oz. He did not give any medicine to treat her, because the virus would just have to run its course. He said the best thing to do was feed her as often as she would eat. This is what we did for the next couple of days. For a sick baby, she did remarkably well. At least once a day, though, she would refuse to eat and we would wait a while and give her a bottle of breastmilk, which she seemed to take a bit better. After two or three days of this she was eating normally again, and after about a week her diapers were looking normal. I'm so glad that now she is feeling better. It's amazing what you can tell just from looking at a baby's poop!

Aside from that little tummy ache, Lily is doing really well. She normally eats about every 3-4 hours. Nursing is going great, which I still consider a blessing each and every day. I remember in the first month, a dear friend of mine told me that one day nursing would be a relaxing and enjoyable time for baby and for me. She said I could just kick back and watch a movie, but I couldn't imagine having a free hand to hold a remote at that time! It seemed like I would never get to a place where breastfeeding wasn't stressful or painful, but now what she said is exactly true. I look forward to taking a break to sit and nurse my baby 4 or 5 times a day (and once during the night). I use the time, usually about 40 minutes total, to catch up on TV shows on my DVR or read a book, which is easier to do on my new Kindle that I got for Christmas! Sometimes, though, I just sit and look at Lily, stroking her sweet head (which has less and less hair on it every day), or holding her busy, constantly-moving hands. Now, nursing is a good time for me to sit quietly and thank the Lord for giving me the desire of my heart.

Lily's sleeping habits are pretty good for this age, I think. During the day she usually wants a nap about 2 hours after she eats. Her naps are usually pretty short, though, between 30 minutes and an hour. Sometimes she will nap for almost 2 hours, but she doesn't do this every day. At night she will sleep for about 7 hours straight, waking up to eat around 5 AM, and then she will sleep for 2 or 3 more hours before getting up for the day. I would love for her to have a slightly earlier bed time and to take longer naps (she usually gets fussy after a couple of those little cat-naps in a row), but this schedule is very livable and such a relief after those tough newborn days! Lily is still sleeping in her bassinet in our bedroom. Pretty soon I know I'll need to move her to her crib in her own room, but I'm just not ready for her to be that far away.

Lately Lily is becoming more and more interested in her toys and books. It's fun to watch her discover new things. Just about everything that she gets her hands on goes straight into her mouth. When I'm bathing her these days, I have to wash her hands and hold them tightly before I hurry up and rinse them so she won't eat soapy fingers. Still her favorite thing to look at or play with is people. All it takes to get her to smile or laugh is just a look in her direction. She absolutely loves it when her daddy and I make her "fly" above our heads. This gets a laugh almost every time. I try to do tummy time with her most days, but she doesn't care for it very much at all. Her head control is really good, though, and she has started enjoying time in her Bumbo seat.

I can't believe that four months have passed already. Suddenly the time seems to be flying by while we try to cherish every moment. Yesterday, January 20th, it was a whole year since we had the positive pregnancy test that brought us our beautiful daughter. What a year it was! She's finally here and we absolutely love being her parents.

Where The Heart Is

2011-01-18T00:00:00.000-06:00

In my last post I mentioned that I've been struggling with the idea of "home" lately. I thought I'd go into some more detail here in hopes that it might be cathartic in a way.

I'll start by saying that I like where we live. My husband truly enjoys his job as a software engineer at NASA. The job is what brought us here, and it has been a rewarding job for him for the past ten years. I knew it would be hard to leave Louisiana, but the opportunity was there and we both agreed that it was the right time for us to make that move back in 2001. We'd been married for three years and I think we were ready to feel that we were truly "on our own." Moving away meant leaving his hometown, and the town that had been my new home since starting college six years earlier. His parents lived there and we had a great network of friends as well. Leaving was very hard but it was the right thing to do for us. This became even more clear when the next chapter of our lives began -- trying to have a baby. Living near Houston opened up a lot of opportunities to find a doctor who could help us. It took us a while to do that, but we've been very glad that we had those resources available.

There have been lots of great things about living here, not to mention that we are only a little more than two hours' drive from my family. I know that fact may make it seem silly that I often bellyache about being homesick. But the fact is that, even after ten years, Texas still doesn't feel like home. My heart is back home in Louisiana.

If you know Louisiana, then you know that it's a place all its own. No, I don't mean New Orleans, although it's certainly unique! Contrary to popular belief, the whole of Louisiana can't be summed up by experiencing only New Orleans. As close as we are here in this neighboring state, the way of life is really quite different. I use expressions here all the time that make my friends ask what on earth I'm talking about. I talk of food that they've never eaten, much less heard of. It's a culture and a cuisine that can't be re-created anywhere. That place will always be home to me, no matter where I live.

We have made a great home here, though. We bought our house in 2002 after a year of apartment living. It's a modest three-bedroom house that has been just the right size for our small family. I love our home. As a homemaker I spend lots of time here. I like the paint colors we chose and the way that we've decorated it with things that we love. We've made lots of good memories here, although this house also holds the memories of our six miscarried children. Those are tough memories, but also ones that I don't wish to forget entirely. The back yard is home to the tree we planted for them (well, we planted it for our first baby, but it has come to represent all six for us over the years). I know that it will be hard to leave this place someday. I'm sure that future residents here won't give that tree a second thought.

So, I'm torn. I like our home here, but lately I feel so disconnected. I think it all began to snowball about a month before Lily was born. You see, I've been a stay-at-home wife (and finally now, mom) for the past decade. I don't have a very large social group here. The majority of my local friends have come from church. My church family are the only people that I see on a regular, weekly basis. About five months ago, though, the small mission church (or church plant) that we'd been attending for the past eight years abruptly closed its doors.

We'd been members there through thick and thin, since its very first meeting. In the early years we met in a school before renting our own building. Numbers had been dwindling and finances were tough for the past couple of years, and we were back to meeting in a temporary location and trying to figure out what to do next. My husband and I personally weren't sure at that point of the future of that church or whether God was leading us to look for a new church home. The end came suddenly, though, and it left us feeling pretty unsettled. Of course we have stayed in touch with a few very dear friends whom we treasure, but we miss that scheduled weekly time of worshiping together.

I think the combination of losing our church home right before having a baby has been even tougher than I first imagined. It's so hard for me to think of visiting churches with a small baby. She's sort of on a schedule now, but it would be difficult to keep her with us during a service and even more difficult for me to leave her with total strangers in a different nursery week after week. There are lots of aspects to this that I could go into, but I'll just say that I don't feel up for it yet. I know from experience that church hunting is not an easy thing to do. And it intimidates me even more to think of doing it with a baby.

On top of all that, I think that having a baby in general has made me think more and more about home. I want my little Texan to grow up knowing as much as she can about her Louisiana heritage. It is a long and rich (in tradition, not in wealth) heritage that I've researched and can trace back at least seven generations on my side of the family alone, not to mention my husband's. And although I know we are just over two hours away, sometimes I really do wish that Lily could just hop on over to her Granny's house for a visit. There are times when two and a half hours seems like so far away.

My heart is there, but it's also here. It's here because "home" is where my husband and daughter are. Within the walls of our house, I feel perfectly happy and secure and at peace. But when I think about getting out there and finding a new church family, and especially down the road when we must start looking at schools for Lily, it feels so foreign and unsettling. It's hard to imagine our future here, but I know that moving back would never be exactly the same as it used to be.

It feels that somehow, at the same time, I have two homes and yet no home. Does that make sense? My heart is in two places: here and there. But staying here means starting over, just like returning there would also be starting over. Like I mentioned in the last post, we have no plans to move. It's just something we think about, especially now that we have a child.

And after all of that, I realize that houses aren't really what make up a home. People do and families do; I know that. Sometimes I wonder if I'm simply chasing some elusive feeling of what home is or used to be.

(I'm not even sure if these thoughts of mine have translated well into a blog post, but there you have it. Thanks for sticking with it if you've read this far!)

A (Happy) New Year

2011-01-16T16:10:00.004-06:00

Before Lily came along, New Year's was always one of the hardest times of the year for me. I know that many people dealing with infertility have a hard time around the holidays, particularly at Christmas. That was tough, too, but for me it really hit after Christmas.

I guess it was largely because being with my family made me feel secure and happy and made me (almost) forget about the familiar sadness of being without the children that I'd lost as well as the one(s) I wasn't sure I'd ever have. The warmth surrounding Christmas with family and what it means to me as a believer in Christ, the joy of sharing the holiday with our sweet nephews each year, and even the beautiful decorations and music that I anticipate all year long always helped get me through what could have been a very sad time. But when all of that was over and we returned to our quiet house, the empty feeling would return. My undecorated home after the holidays even reflected how I felt: empty and cold.

On top of that, January is my birthday month. Exactly one month after Christmas I turn one year older. Because of recurrent miscarriage, that wasn't really a happy time for me anymore. I dreaded another year gone and all of the lost opportunities of having our baby while my age kept increasing.

Every new year had me wondering if it would be the year that we would bring home a baby. I would start each one with a mixture of hope and dread (mostly dread), unsure of what it would hold.

Of course this year was different. While I don't feel that infertility is no longer a part of my life, I didn't start the year with it at the forefront of my mind as I had previously done. It felt... refreshing. It truly felt as every new year should -- like a new beginning and a fresh start.

I still struggle with coming home after being with family in Louisiana all week. I think that will always be hard for me. The past few months have been a struggle for me as I've been thinking a lot about "home" and where we may live in the near future. No, we have absolutely no plans to move; it's just been on my mind lately. Ever since Lily was born, I'm just not sure Texas is where I want to be. (Nothing against The Lone Star State!) I have A LOT more to say about this, but I think it's a topic for another post!

Anyway, back to the original subject... new year... starting over...

The other day I was cleaning out the cabinet underneath our bathroom sink. The sink had been draining slowly and my husband was getting ready to take a look at the pipes, so I figured it was a good time to clean out some stuff we don't use or need anymore. I threw out two boxes of (expired) ovulation predictor kits. There was one box of home pregnancy tests with one unopened test remaining. It was the same box that gave us the two pink lines for Lily one year ago. The test doesn't expire until the end of this year, so I decided to hang on to it. It felt good to throw out the OPKs, I have to admit, but seeing the pregnancy test made me realize that my concerns about my future fertility aren't over. But, with that being said, I prefer to spend my days enjoying the child that we finally have rather than worrying about what might happen in the future. I can't help but think about it every now and then, of course. I still pray that our days of dealing with recurrent pregnancy loss are over for good. I have no idea whether we'll be able to have a sibling for Lily. Thinking about it at this stage makes my stomach hurt, so I try not to let the subject occupy my thoughts for too long.

I still think it's a miracle that we had a successful pregnancy last year and that we started 2011 with a smiling, happy 3-month old. It blows my mind. My husband and I still ask each other pretty frequently, "Can you believe she's here and we get to keep her?"

I'm anticipating this happy new year with all of the special memories we'll be making with our precious girl.

Lily Rae at 3 1/2 months, January 2011

Three Months

2010-12-21T00:00:00.001-06:00

My girl is three months old today!

Time has truly been flying these days. I can't believe how quickly Christmas is approaching, especially when I think back to this time last year and all that has happened since.

Last year, this day was CD1 (cycle day one) and it was the day that brought clear proof that our first IUI had not been successful. I wrote a post that day called Maybe Someday, and reading those words again brought back those emotions I felt when I wrote them a year ago. It was hard getting that news a few days before Christmas -- a holiday that we all know can be tough when you're without children of your own. The news had been difficult, but we had plans to try again with the new cycle. I remember that at least that part was encouraging. The end of my hopes for the previous cycle brought with it a fresh start and another chance at a pregnancy.

We'd been waiting three years. It had been that long since our last pregnancy. That was disappointing to me, but I welcomed the break from experiencing heartbreaking miscarriages. I wasn't sure how I might handle a seventh loss if that's what would happen, but I was finally putting my heart back on the line again. The IUI route was totally new to us, but it was a decision we'd put much thought and prayer into. By December 21, 2009, we had a clear plan for IUI #2. The only issue was that it would be tricky to do a timed cycle during the holiday season. With that in mind, though, we decided to go through with it and just do whatever we needed to do, which included a break in the middle of our time with family in Louisiana to drive back to Houston for a doctor visit and then all the way back to Louisiana.

It all seemed well worth it when we went to the doctor for the ultrasound and saw that I had a nice big 29mm follicle that was ready to go! I had the trigger shot to guarantee that I'd ovulate, and we would return in a couple of days for the insemination. My hopes came crashing down, however, when we found out a few hours later that the IUI was canceled because there would be no doctor in the office on the day after New Year's -- when we needed things to happen. I knew right then that our chance was gone. We'd had a plan and it was going beautifully, but I hadn't anticipated this. We returned home from our travels feeling lower than we'd felt in a long time. I remember telling my doctor over the phone that our chances weren't good at all. Because of the traveling, my husband and I hadn't been "together" in nearly a week and I was sure we'd missed our chance. He reassured me that we could try again next cycle.

As you already know, the cycle that began on December 21 last year, that 29mm follicle, that chance that I thought we'd surely lost, turned into my beautiful baby girl who turns three months old today. She's my reminder that God doesn't need my plans in order to make things happen. That day was the beginning of my "Maybe Someday," even though I wouldn't know it for about another month.

This Christmas finds me in such a different place when compared with last year... and the previous eight Christmases or so.

There is a new ornament on my tree.

There are three stockings on my fireplace.

And, finally, there's a miracle in my arms.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a year full of miracles in 2011!

Ten Weeks

2010-11-30T19:16:00.005-06:00

Ten weeks was an important goal in my pregnancy with Lily. While I had carried a baby until eleven weeks before, none had ever survived with that tiny, flickering heartbeat past nine weeks. I remember being so eager to make it past that point and get to ten weeks. Of course the next big milestone was to actually make it to the second trimester, which I had never done in six pregnancies.

Those were some truly scary times for me, as we waited in between ultrasounds to find out if our baby's heart was still beating. All I could do was hope and pray... and wait.

Today my girl is ten weeks old. It's amazing how slowly that time seemed to creep by during the pregnancy and how quickly it has passed since she was born. Ten very nervous and fearful weeks with her inside of my womb, and now ten wonderful weeks of looking at this sweet face.

I'm so overwhelmed, and so very, very thankful.

Thankful

2010-11-25T12:00:00.001-06:00

This year it's easy for me to say that I'm thankful. I have an amazing baby girl who is healthy and happy and here to stay, and that's something that I wasn't sure could ever happen. That is certainly reason to give thanks to the Lord! My heart is full of joy for this holiday season.

For many years it was hard for me to say what I was thankful for. Don't get me wrong; it's not that I wasn't thankful or didn't appreciate my loving family and precious friends. I have a husband who loves and supports me no matter what, and I loved the life and the home that we'd made together. All of that was true, but at the same time my heart was hurting. I knew that, if asked at Thanksgiving what I was thankful for, I wouldn't be able to speak without breaking down. For a long time I allowed the wonderful things in my life to be overshadowed by my grief and heartache.

It was around the time that I began to blog and really open up about my feelings about recurrent pregnancy loss that my heart started to change. I felt like there might be some meaning in all of this and some way of reaching out by sharing my experience. I had no idea how large the community of IF bloggers was when I started, but finding it really helped to give me a sense of purpose through that trial. To know that there were others out there who understood was also a huge help for me. Before long I was once again able to feel thankfulness -- even though I was still in the midst of a painful struggle.

Soon I realized that I could be thankful not just in spite of what I'd been through, but because of it. Let me be clear about this, though. I'm NOT thankful for miscarriage. I wish I had never gone through that horror in the first place and I wish that no one else ever had to experience it either.

But I AM thankful for...

Learning to lean on my Heavenly Father, and knowing from experience that He will never leave my side, even when I'm full of fear, doubt, and anger.
Learning that with God, nothing is impossible.
Seeing firsthand that I was much stronger than I ever thought I could be.
Reassurance that I married the most caring and loving man who would stick by me through thick and thin.
Renewed faith in the love and support of family and friends who prayed for us so faithfully.
An entire online community of new friends who encouraged me along the way and helped me find some good in a bad situation.

I could really go on and on! All of this came out of some pretty dreadful years when I felt like I was struggling just to keep my head above water. Those are the reasons why I can look back on that time and be thankful for what came out of it. I can now be so grateful for where I am today, Thanksgiving 2010.

Thank you for contributing to that, for sharing in my joy now and for holding me up when I needed support then. Wishing you all a very Happy Thanksgiving!

My Girl

2010-11-23T22:00:00.003-06:00

Today I just want to write about her. My little Lily.

When I was pregnant with this sweet baby and after I finally let it sink in that we might actually bring her home, I used to wonder about her personality. Sure, I often thought about what she might look like, but I was most curious about what would make her "her." What would she like or dislike? What would her unique personality traits be? Now, I know she's only two months old (nine weeks today, to be exact), but I love seeing that little personality come out! Today I want to tell you all about my girl.

Some of my favorite nicknames for her are: Sweet Pea, Lily-girl, Lily-poo (which her daddy has promised not to call her in front of her friends), Lily-pie, Pumpkin, Pumpkin pie, Peanut, and sometimes even Peanut Butter.

She is now 11 pounds and almost 23 inches long. Her hair is beginning to lighten a bit and she is getting that trademark baby bald spot on the back of her head. Her eyes are still a dark bluish-gray. Sometimes in the light I think that I detect some green, while other times I think I see some brown tones. I feel sure they will turn out either green like mine, or brown/green hazel like her daddy's.

Lily's temperament is pretty easy-going. She loves taking a bath and taking short walks outside, but those are her "serious" times. I know she really enjoys both activities, but those are not really the moments that make her smile. Instead, they are the times when we see her curious and contemplative side.

We know that her big smiles come when she is on her changing table or in her bouncy seat. It's pretty easy to get a smile out of her now. All we have to do is make eye contact and talk to her, and her sweet face lights up with a big smile. From the very first day she was born, Lily has enjoyed looking at people's faces and really studying them. People have always commented on how attentive she is. Now she smiles at every new person she meets. She especially loves to smile at her daddy. I'm not sure what it is about him that she finds so darn funny!

I guess you can't write too much about an infant without discussing sleeping and eating patterns. Here's how we spend the majority of our time:

Eating: My baby girl is a very good eater. She has a great appetite and has adjusted so well despite our nursing challenges in the early days. We've been exclusively breastfeeding for a month now and I'm so proud of her! I still pump twice a day if possible, right before I go to bed and right after her morning feeding. I'm happy to see a pretty good supply building up in my freezer. We have a routine going where her daddy feeds her a bottle of breast milk (usually about 4 ounces) before we put her down for the night. This has consistently earned us at least one good stretch of sleep for the first half of the night. She is much more fitful during the second half.

One of my favorite things about Lily is that she does the cutest things with her hands. When she is eating, she almost always has her fingers spread and straight out. It cracks me up! I love looking at her sweet hands.

My baby girl likes her pacifier. She doesn't want it all the time, but it does help during the day if she gets fussy and it helps her to fall asleep most of the time. She doesn't seem to need it during the night at this stage.

Sleeping: Lily will sleep for at least 4-5 hours before waking up to nurse usually just once per night. We have been pleasantly surprised a few times when she has skipped her middle of the night feeding and slept for 7 hours! When she does wake up during the night, she doesn't cry. She will grunt and whimper off and on until we recognize that she's ready to eat and not just making little noises in her sleep. Her daddy handles the night-time diaper changes, and most of the time lately I can hear her happily cooing at him in the middle of the night from all the way across the house! It's the sweetest thing.

Lily likes to nap a lot in the morning. She does her best napping when she is being held. This is how she would prefer to sleep all the time, although she will sometimes nap in her bouncy seat but only after I've rocked her to sleep first. She is getting old enough now that we want to start practicing letting her soothe herself. Just today I was able to put her down in her crib and she fell asleep on her own for a short nap. Although she loves playing in her crib, she has never slept in there, so I was pretty excited about that. I'm not used to her sleeping in a separate room, though, so I sat in the chair in her room and started this blog post while she napped so I could hear her breathing. I can't help but remain pretty obsessive about that, checking on her constantly when she's asleep.

And finally, Lily still likes to sleep swaddled. She occasionally gets her hands out through the little holes where the top meets the bottom of her swaddler, so we put mittens on her hands to keep them warm if it's a chilly night.

I noticed the other day that she kinda reminds me of something...

Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving! :)

Transitioning

2010-11-12T14:22:00.004-06:00

It's so hard to believe that baby Lily will be two months old in just a few days. On the other hand, it feels like she has been part of my life forever.

The transition has been an interesting one. Sure, caring for a new baby is pretty different from how I used to spend my days. It's hard to put into words what it felt like to go from losing multiple pregnancies to finally bringing home a baby. I guess part of that is the fact that nothing can bring back what was lost. With that being said, though, there has also been a lot of healing that has taken place in my heart over the past two months. I am so grateful for that, and I'm reminded of it every time I see her precious face!

For more than eight years I was a stay-at-home wife. Yeah, try explaining that to people when you first meet! It always opened the door to a barrage of questions about why we didn't have children and why I didn't have a job. It was difficult to explain over and over again that I had stopped working when we moved to a new state and started trying to have a baby. And then miscarriage entered my life, and before I knew it nearly a decade had passed. We had no idea how long that stage of our life was going to last. I certainly never could have predicted all that unfolded during those years.

Now I've become what I'd always wanted to be. I'm a stay-at-home mom. Bringing home baby Lily fulfilled that lifelong desire of my heart. She is my dream come true!

But dreams are funny things, you know. Sometimes mine manage to bring up some of those old fears. A few nights ago I had a dream that Lily wasn't really mine and my time with her was up. I had to return her to her real family. I seriously woke up with an empty feeling in my stomach and I gave her lots of extra snuggles that day.

Even though caring for a new baby is a full-time job and is at times very challenging, I love this place where I finally get to be. These two months have been full of some very happy times and some difficult ones too, but we're getting settled more and more each day. I'm finally feeling comfortable in my ability to read her baby cries and meet her needs every day. And although it was a bumpy road to get here, our nursing routine has finally worked out as well. Things began to improve after the second week and especially after the sixth week, and I'm so happy about that! I've heard that in terms of breastfeeding the three-month mark is another milestone, so I'm looking forward to making it that far. Lily Rae continues to amaze me. I know I'm biased, but even on her fussy days I remind myself that she truly is such a good, adaptable baby.

Our new favorite thing is her smile. This month she has really started responding to us when we talk to her. It is the most precious thing to see her little mouth transform into a big, gummy smile! Today I even caught her smiling at the ceiling fan a couple of times. :)

Here's a recent pic of her sweet smile. You can also see her little "angel kiss" between her eyes -- in the same spot where I had one as a baby. (Thanks to my blog friend Jo for the cute outfit!)

At Last

2010-11-01T13:46:00.003-05:00

At last, my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Oh, yeah, at last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Oh, yeah and you smile, you smile
Oh, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine
At last

First Month

2010-10-25T20:29:00.006-05:00

So far I've found it pretty hard to find time to keep up with updates to the blog since Lily's arrival. Hopefully things will continue to settle down so I can get back to it. I miss blogging, and mostly I miss keeping in touch with you guys! I'm eager to get caught up with what's going on in your lives.

We are doing really well. I'm so glad to tell you that I've been feeling so much better. Thanks for your encouraging words and prayers for my recovery! Just feeling close to normal again has made such a huge difference. I'm thrilled that now I have much more time and energy to spend loving on this sweet baby girl.

Lily is five weeks old now and really growing and changing. She is sweet as can be! Over the past few days we've been enjoying watching her discover fun things during her awake time. Just this weekend she started spending about 20 minutes at a time on her play mat, punching and kicking the toys that hang from the bars.

She is much more active during the day lately and it's been fun to see. It has also brought about some slightly longer stretches of sleep at night, which is wonderful!

Lily's favorite spot in the entire house is definitely her changing table. We really aren't sure why she loves it so much, but she is always happy as a lark when she is there. She loves having her diaper changed, so I guess that's part of it!

She also really likes having a bath, so I'm thinking she must just like to be clean. :)

Today I was thinking about how I always felt that living with recurrent miscarriage was like living in a nightmare. I hoped that one day I would just wake up from it and it wouldn't have been real. Now I find myself fearing that maybe the past ten months have all been an amazing dream. I'm afraid I might wake up and it will be over. Sometimes I look at little Lily Rae and I can't believe that this entire year actually happened and that she is finally here with us.

She certainly is our wish and dream come true!

Two Weeks and Two Days

2010-10-07T22:03:00.008-05:00

Hello dear friends!

Baby Lily is here and we are all at home and doing well. Thank you so much for all of the wonderful comments about her birth day. Those will be really fun to share with her one day!

So much has happened over the past two weeks and two days -- since Lily Rae's arrival. I will try to give you the short version rather than something that might take hours to read. First let me say that the baby is absolutely great. She is... amazing, wonderful, perfect! I truly am tempted to spend my days just staring at her. She has the deepest eyes, cutest button nose, perfect heart-shaped lips, and the longest little fingers I've ever seen on a baby. :)

We came home from the hospital on Friday night (September 24) after having to wait a few extra hours for her bilirubin results to come in. Lily had a little bit of jaundice in the hospital, but they let us go ahead and go home as long as we took her in to the clinic over the weekend to have it re-checked. The bilirubin got up to 16 and then started to decrease by Sunday, much to our relief. In addition, Lily's birth weight was 8 pounds 10 ounces, but it was down to 7 pounds 9 ounces when we were discharged. She has continued to gain weight since then, though, and this week she was back up to her exact birth weight at her two-week check up. Yay Lily!

I can't tell you how relieved I am that she has done so well, especially since the last two weeks have been quite difficult for me as far as recovery goes. I'm not really sure why, but things seemed to go haywire as soon as I left the hospital. During the first weekend at home I started having shortness of breath and chest pain, which made it almost impossible for me to get any rest. I would wake up gasping for air and terrified that I was going to stop breathing. My blood pressure shot up (which is very uncommon for me and never happened during my pregnancy) and my ankles and feet began to swell quite a bit. With all of that going on plus the recovery from my c-section, I felt absolutely horrible. There is no way I could have made it through that weekend if I hadn't had my mom and sister here to help with the baby.

After making a few calls to the doctor on call over the weekend and trying to avoid the ER, I went to see my OB first thing Monday morning. She immediately sent me over to the ER to make sure I didn't have a pulmonary embolism. I was pretty freaked out at that point, but the CT scan of my chest turned out clear. The ER doc has had me following up with a cardiologist as well, and so far my echocardiogram and blood tests have all looked good. Over the past couple of days my swelling and blood pressure have also decreased. It's frustrating to not know why everything went crazy, but I'm just beyond relieved that I actually am starting to feel normal again. For a while there I felt like it would never happen. Every day is getting better now and I'm able to enjoy this precious baby girl more and more.

My mom is still here, thankfully! She has helped me out so much for the past few weeks. I truly don't know how I would have been able to make it through the days and especially the nights without her help. She is an awesome Granny! I know Lily will miss her as much as I will when she goes back home this weekend.

Breastfeeding has been a struggle all its own for the past few weeks. Again, Lily Rae is fantastic. She is such a good baby and I've been amazed at how patient and adaptable she has been through all of my trials and errors. We started out pretty well with nursing in the hospital, but we had to supplement with formula for a few days after we came home to get her over the jaundice. Besides that, I had to dump my breast milk for 48 hours after having the iodine for the CT scan. We went through a very rough patch afterwards where I had to continue pumping and giving her the milk in a bottle while my breasts were on the mend. I'm happy to say that for the past three days we have gotten back into a good nursing routine! I'm so proud of this baby girl for sticking with it and not giving up while I struggled. Nursing continues to be a challenge but I am persevering.

I have to admit that, all things considered, this recovery time has been one of the toughest things I've ever been through. Of course it has a huge reward and it's worth every tear and every small setback. Simply looking at her sweet face and remembering all it took to get to this point are all I need to do to find the motivation to press on. I know it will be at least a few more weeks before I truly feel better. I really can't help but wonder what in the world people were talking about when they told me that c-sections were "no big deal"!

We are hanging in there and making progress every day, and that's a huge improvement as far as I'm concerned! Thanks for thinking of us and for praying for Lily's safe arrival. I still can't quite believe that this beautiful girl is here in our home and is ours to keep. Thank you, Lord!

Soon I will post some of our favorite pictures of our little bundle of joy from her first two weeks of life. She looks so different from those very first images in the operating room! Here is one of my favorites until then...

She's Here!

2010-09-21T14:03:00.004-05:00

Hey everybody, it's Chuck. Just wanted to let you know that Lily Rae is here! Mom and baby are doing well.

Lily Rae
Born September 21, 2010 at 12:27 PM
8 lbs 10.5 oz (3.9 kg)
19.5 inches (49.53 cm)

A Different Path?

2010-09-14T15:00:00.000-05:00

I love the way that pictures have a way of telling stories. They capture a moment in time and later are there to remind you of people and places and events.

Here are two pictures of my husband and me, taken two and a half years apart. When we had the more recent one taken, I couldn't help but remember the older one and where we were then. There are a lot of similarities between the two images. They were taken by the same person at the very same park. Of course, they both feature the same two people, walking hand-in-hand down a sidewalk.

But they are also very different. The people are the same, but the view is different. You can't really tell this from the pictures, but they're walking on a different path of the very same sidewalk. Perhaps the most obvious change, though, is the season.

It is winter in the first one. While the picture itself doesn't make me feel sad at all, the landscape is a bit dreary. The trees and grass don't look very vibrant. As the subjects, my husband and I seem far away, like we're walking down a quite a long path. There is as much sidewalk in front of us as there is behind us. Besides that, there's a curve and a tree up ahead and you can't quite see beyond that. You can't see our faces or expressions, but it's clear that we are looking at each other as we're walking along together.

This picture was taken as part of a photo shoot for our Christmas cards that year. It was December of 2007 and it was a fairly happy time for us, yet we were certainly still in the midst of a long trial. We were getting ready to take a trip to Florida and then return home and get ready for the holidays. It had been eleven months since my last miscarriage (number six), and the following month I would be having surgery with my new RE to look for scar tissue and any other new problems. It was the only thing we knew to do next but at least we had a plan. We had no idea what might be up ahead. We had covered a lot of ground on our infertility journey but we were still walking, still moving forward. Together.

The second picture is quite different. The first thing I notice are the colors. Everything is bright and green and alive. It was summertime, and take my word for it, it was hot outside. You can see our expressions in this picture and can tell that we are happy. We are still walking together even though the scenery and the seasons aren't the same. The path even looks much shorter...

Of course, that's a matter of perspective. As I mentioned before, it's the same park and the same sidewalk, just a different view and a different angle. That's the point I'm trying to make here. This pregnancy, this place where we are now, is not an entirely new path; it's just a different part of the same road we've been walking for many years. It is the sum of everything we went through to get here. Oh, I do wish sometimes that we could have been simply placed right here! If we could have just by-passed all the years of hurt and loss and taken a much easier way, surely it would have been so much better. But that's not the path we were meant to take, I guess. And frankly, if it had been, I know it would look and feel entirely different and not nearly as meaningful to us as it does now.

I want to say thank you. I'm so grateful for those of you who haven't written me off as just another pregnant woman. Thank you for considering our path -- the whole thing, every step -- to getting this far and for continuing to offer your support, prayers, and friendship. I realize that you could stumble upon this blog and see the pregnancy ticker at the top and decide that you're not interested in sticking around. But many of you do, and many of you send me messages and tell me that my story gives you hope. Thank you for encouraging me to keep writing about it, as I've learned that having a successful pregnancy doesn't erase everything else I've experienced. While it certainly brings joy and some sense of victory and healing, it doesn't entirely take away the pain of miscarriage. That will always be part of my story now. Just like any time you lose a loved one, you don't want to erase their existence! You keep their memory alive and are thankful that you had the time with them that you did, even though their absence leaves an ache. It will always be there when I look back, and really, that's okay. My babies are part of me and always will be in my heart. Fortunately there are and will be good memories as we continue on this path, especially as we finally bring our baby home.

Next week at this time, she'll be here. Finally, one of the tiny seeds of hope that was planted along this path will get to bloom.

I can't wait to share it with you. Thank you for your constant prayers for us and for baby Lily!

Counting Down

2010-09-11T16:00:00.006-05:00

At Thursday's appointment we had the ultrasound first before seeing the doctor. I was surprised that on the short drive over, I felt some of those same nerves that I always associate with ultrasound visits. Even at this stage the familiar worries return. I think I'll always be that way when it comes to ultrasounds. I guess old habits do die hard.

Anyway, baby Lily looked so great! The tech took her time doing all of the necessary measurements, and we got good looks at her brain, heart, and kidneys. The amniotic fluid level was good, as well as the blood flow around the cord. It was interesting to see that she is in the position that I suspected - head down, body along the left side of my belly, and feet tucked just below my ribs on my right side. We were not expecting to leave with a few new snapshots of our girl, but we did get another profile shot (2D) and a pretty good pic of her face in 3D! I've added the two new images to the ultrasound photo link in the sidebar if you'd like to check them out. Maybe this sounds strange, but I still don't have a clear picture in my head of what she actually looks like. As many peeks as we've had, I guess nothing will compare to actually seeing her face to face.

So, you probably remember that the point of this ultrasound was to try to determine the baby's size. Based on the measurements, they think she weighs 7 pounds, 13 ounces! That was Thursday, so at that time she still had 12 days of growing to do before her scheduled delivery day. We are pretty certain that she'll be more than 8 pounds at birth. It was a huge relief simply to see that she is continuing to do well. I feel like a broken record when I say this, but it still boggles my mind that we could be this far along with a healthy pregnancy. I think after going through multiple losses you begin to train yourself to think that it could never happen inside your womb, but I believe that every day of her existence has been nothing short of a miracle. As of today we are 38 weeks pregnant and 14 days away from the official due date. Incredible!

Next we saw Dr. R for the weekly visit. She went over all of the ultrasound images, measurements, and charts, and said the baby is looking really good. She also determined that she did not think it was necessary to move the delivery to an earlier date. We are still shooting for September 21! The baby's chest circumference was in the 90th percentile and her other measurements were in the 80th. The doctor certainly acknowledged that Lily has grown fairly quickly in the last few weeks, but was confident that waiting until 39 weeks will be best for her. Lily could decide otherwise! After the exam, though, she said things are still firm and closed and the baby has not dropped, so nothing major has started happening. I do have contractions every day and sometimes quite a few in the evenings, but they have not been regular enough to cause us to make any phone calls to nurses or family members just yet!

We are using this weekend to relax at home and get caught up on laundry, grocery shopping, and house cleaning. After this one, we have only one more weekend until her arrival! We are in awe every day and it doesn't take much for us to get teary-eyed when we think of all of it: the long, bumpy road behind us, our babies in heaven, God's faithfulness through hard times, and our overwhelming joy as we prepare to meet our sweet baby girl in just ten short days!

This is a little chalkboard sign that my dear husband made a few weeks ago for us to use as a countdown calendar. He drew the birdie on it and he updates it for me every morning! :)

Updates and Q&A

2010-09-03T00:00:00.000-05:00

This week's OB visit was a bit more eventful than usual. Let me start by saying that everything is fine with baby and me! Things are still moving along very well. It was my 36-week visit, and week 37 is just around the corner.

I also wanted to take a minute to address a few questions that you've asked in the comments on the last couple of posts. I'll cover those in just a minute, but first here's how the appointment went:

I knew going into the visit that it was the week for my group B strep test and that the doctor would also begin checking my cervix this week. First, the nurse did the routine checks of my urine (still clear and free of protein), blood pressure (still nice and low at 122/60), and weight (+2 lbs). Dr R came in and we chatted about how close we are to the big event. I told her I was doing fine besides the lack of sleep and general third-trimester aches and pains!

Next, she measured my belly. Now, every other time that I've been to the OB, this measurement has been "right on target" with where it should be. This time, though, she commented about how the baby's size had really increased. This was not a surprise to me; I've noticed that in the last two weeks it suddenly looks like I'm (unsuccessfully) trying to hide a watermelon under my shirt. The doctor mentioned that we will have an ultrasound at our visit next week so we can check her size. We are excited about getting a peek at our girl again! That hasn't happened since week 22, so it will be really great to see her again at this stage.

During the exam the doctor found that my cervix is still pretty firm and is still closed, and the baby seems to be in a head-down position. After we talked about the apparent spike in her size, she asked me if the baby had been active that day. I explained that she had moved around for most of the night before, but on the day of the visit she had so far been pretty calm. I'd felt her move a little bit that morning but not too much since then (my appointment was late in the afternoon). She said we'd do a quick non-stress test just to be sure that everything was fine.

Surprisingly, I really wasn't terrified; I was just eager for some reassurance. Pretty soon I actually enjoyed being hooked up to the monitor and listening to Lily's heartbeat. (We do still have the doppler at home but we've never used it for that chunk of time before!) The great thing was that it didn't take very long for me to identify some activity from the baby about 6 different times. We could hear her heart rate increasing when this would happen, which is normal. It was also interesting to see the monitor tracking my contractions. I had at least half a dozen of them while I was hooked up, but they were not incredibly strong and not at all regular. The doctor said there were probably so many because she had just stirred things up by checking my cervix during the exam.

(As a side note: One of the nurses who was checking in on us while I was on the monitor was looking at my info, I guess to see if this was our first baby. She declared out loud that yes, this was our first "real baby." Because of my concern for Lily at the time, I resisted the urge to explain to her that ALL of the babies I've carried are REAL. They certainly weren't fake or imaginary!!!)

So, all of that is just to say that Lily is doing fine! Our "little" girl may not be very little anymore, but we will check on that when I go back Thursday of next week. The doctor hinted that there certainly is a possibility, though, that we may end up moving the C-section to an earlier date. She may arrive a bit sooner than we expected, folks!

Now for the Q&A part:
Jennie is new to my blog and recently asked if we conceived Lily on our own. I haven't talked about this in a while and thought now might be a good time to revisit it and give a brief explanation. I feel like it's misleading to answer either a simple yes or no to this question! What happened was that we did our first-ever timed cycle with fertility drugs in early December of last year. All six of our previous pregnancies were achieved on our own. Although we were under the care of doctors for the last four, we had not needed or used any methods of ART. Getting pregnant had not been our problem up until the three years after our last miscarriage in 2007. My cycles had become irregular and I had started missing periods altogether, so we decided on the new approach to guarantee ovulation. So in late November of 2009 I took a round of Clomid, had the follicle ultrasound and trigger shot, and we had our first IUI in December, which resulted in a negative.

We decided to try again with the very next cycle, except my doctor wanted to try Femara this time instead of Clomid. I started taking it the last week of December and we returned home from our holiday travels for the follicle scan. We had a great looking 29 mm follicle that seemed to be our best chance, so we had the Ovidrel (trigger shot) and were planning to return for our second IUI on January 2. Soon after that, we learned that there would be no doctor available on that day due to the holiday schedule, and our IUI was canceled. We were crushed! We felt like we had the perfect set-up and it was now going to be wasted just because it was the day after New Year's. To top it off, we were spending the week away from home and didn't have a whole lot of confidence in our opportunities to try on our own for a pregnancy. I remember how devastated and angry I felt about the whole thing, but a few weeks later I was reminded that the Lord doesn't need our planning or timing to be right for Him to take action! We discovered on January 20 that we had indeed gotten pregnant "on our own."

I hesitate to say it was completely on our own because we were doing a timed cycle with the help of Femara and Ovidrel, but Lily was technically conceived the old-fashioned way. Thanks for the question, Jennie, and thank you for reading the blog and offering your support. I'm sorry to hear of your own struggle with infertility and will be praying that you will find answers soon.

The second question was asked by both Birdie and Kathryn on my last post. They wondered why we are having Lily via a scheduled C-section. The reason we made this decision along with our doctor a few months back is because of the surgery I had on my uterus back in 2005 to remove a septum. Because the surgery was performed five years ago by a different doctor (and not even our current specialist), the OB had some concerns about the possibility of a rupture of the uterus if I went through regular labor. It's not that she was convinced that it would happen simply because I'd had a septum removed; it's more because there is really no way for her to know how thin the area might be or if the strength of my uterus was in any way compromised because of that surgery. This isn't something they can go back and look at via ultrasound, so we just decided that the safest way to go for both Lily and me was to do a scheduled C-section. After talking it over with our doctor on a few occasions, my husband and I were both completely at peace with and confident about this decision. We totally trust that this OB has our best interests in mind and wouldn't suggest major surgery unless she found it to be necessary or the safest plan for our specific situation.

So, as it stands now, we are scheduled for a C-section at noon on Tuesday, September 21. I may have new information next week after our next appointment and ultrasound to check the baby's size. If I do go into labor before our scheduled time, we will still have a C-section.

Thanks for the questions, guys! I wanted to address them in a post since I'm never sure if people will get my responses in the comments. I appreciate that you continue to follow my story on this blog. Thanks so much for your continued support and prayers as we get ready to bring this baby home in the next few weeks!

September

2010-09-01T00:00:00.001-05:00

There are countless difficult things about going through recurrent pregnancy loss. One of them, and one that I always struggled with the most, was simply not knowing.

I can't count how many sleepless nights I spent wrestling with that very thing. How many more times will I get a positive pregnancy test and yet not bring home a baby? How many more times will we have to helplessly turn those little lives over to the Lord and let them go when we aren't ready? Will we ever be able to figure out why my body can't grow a baby, and if so, will it be something we can overcome or will we finally hit that brick wall (whether emotionally or medically) that means The End?

I used to beg the Lord to just show me a glimpse; to just let me know if it would happen one day. Please, Lord, just give me a picture of the future so I will know and be able to deal with it! If we were going to be parents someday, I wanted to know so I could keep on going and working toward that day. If we weren't, I wanted to be able to seek healing and move ahead with that knowledge. But He never did see fit to reveal that to me, of course. That was something I had to accept. I had to learn to find peace and move forward without knowing. And that is so hard sometimes -- the Not Knowing.

Another thing that is so very difficult is the waiting. This experience is chock full of hours, days, weeks, months, and years of waiting. If I didn't learn anything else at all, I certainly had to learn to wait. I waited for appointments, for test results, for proof that my babies were still alive, for my body to heal after a miscarriage, for my heart to begin to heal as I grieved, for the right time to try again after a loss... and I could go on and on. Lots and lots and lots of waiting.

And now here we are. September 2010.

September is here and I'm nine months pregnant. This is the month we've been waiting for since January. And we didn't know it, but it's the month we've been waiting for since we boarded this roller coaster in 2001. We had no way of knowing it then, but it's the month we've hoped and prayed for since our first positive pregnancy test in May of 2002.

May of 2002 to September of 2010. That has been the full gestational period of this dream of ours. Finally the Not Knowing and the Waiting will be wrapped up in just three more weeks. I have no idea if it marks the end of our journey with infertility and miscarriage. There's still some uncertainty about the future of our fertility, of course. I still don't know what the future holds, but for now I'm trying not to look beyond 20 days from now when our baby girl will be here.

Knowing the date is surreal. My due date is September 25, but we will see her on or before September 21. That's the scheduled date of the C-section: noon on September 21, unless she surprises us by coming sooner. We are counting down the days and there are only 20 left at the most! I have a visit with the OB tomorrow and I will see her only two more times before the big day. We are in the home stretch! I wake up every day knowing that Lily could come at any time now.

As we enter the final few weeks I find myself becoming more and more emotional. For the last couple of days it doesn't take much for me to have to wipe away tears. I may very well cry for the next 20 days and for a few months after that! My husband and I both feel overwhelmed and overcome with these days that we are living in now and the event that is finally on the horizon. I hope he won't mind me mentioning it, but he told me last weekend after we toured the hospital where Lily will be born that he had been fighting back tears. I had been so focused on the tour and asking my questions that I hadn't even noticed. We are both so grateful and so ready to meet this little one face to face. I think we got so accustomed to handling the grief and loss that now we are trying to figure out how to equip ourselves to deal with happiness, as crazy as that sounds!

Even as I write this now I realize how each day is full of happy news and sad news, of so many ups and downs in this life that we all face. Just today I cried tears of joy as I read blogs and saw the wonderful news of positive pregnancy tests and good ultrasound visits. A few hours later I heard that one of my most precious real-life friends had a miscarriage over the weekend, and I cried tears of sorrow for her and for her baby. Please, please keep this dear friend of mine in your prayers during this time.

And please know that even as we get ready to welcome our miracle girl, we are praying for those of you who may still be struggling with those familiar feelings of waiting and not knowing.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." Psalm 126:5-6

Pictures

2010-08-26T23:09:00.004-05:00

This is one of those posts that I wasn't sure would ever be.

I can remember back to the early days of this pregnancy, to the first trimester when we were so worried that this baby wouldn't make it. I remember how it took us a while to believe that this could be the one that survived and the one that we might bring home. I remember all of the kindness and the prayers as we learned to practice taking this pregnancy one day at a time and celebrating every single small victory. The third trimester seemed a lifetime away and I struggled to imagine what it would be like, look like, or feel like to be that close to welcoming a living, healthy baby.

A couple of weeks ago (at 34 weeks) we had a friend take some maternity pictures for us. These pictures capture some of those feelings for me. I hope they communicate at least a small portion of our joy and wonder over this little life. I hope you know that we haven't taken any moment or milestone for granted. We haven't forgotten the long and rocky path that brought us here and made us so very grateful to have arrived at this point.

For the photo shoot I wore a necklace that was given to me by a special blog friend. It is a heart-shaped locket with a clear window in the middle that displays three items: tiny blue baby feet, tiny pink baby feet, and a tiny pink heart that has the word "hope" on it. The sweet friend (Abby) who gave it to me has a set of precious twin boys in heaven. I wanted to wear it that day for her, for her boys, for my six little ones, and for all of you who have experienced loss and those who are still waiting with hope. When I look back on these pictures, I'll think of all of you.

Indeed, even our photographer friend (Crystal) who took these pictures for us has had her own infertility journey, so it also meant something to us that she would be the one to take them. She now has a beautiful little girl of her own, who I know is the apple of her eye!

This post includes just a few of my favorites from the day, but I know we will cherish every single one that was taken.
Thanks for walking along with us!

Just a couple of side notes:
If you'd like to see a lot more of our favorites from the photo shoot, you can follow this link: Maternity Pics. (FYI, the album does include a few real "belly" photos. Just wanted you to know before you click.)

And one last thing: I just noticed that my previous post was post number 200! :)

Showers of Blessing

2010-08-19T15:22:00.004-05:00

Since I last wrote a blog post we had our fourth and final baby shower, had some maternity pictures taken, and I'm now quickly approaching 35 weeks. Although the proof is all around us, I still find it completely amazing that I will soon be nine months pregnant.

Our baby girl has been growing quite a bit over these last couple of weeks. I've noticed a huge change in the size of my belly even though I gained only one pound in the two weeks between my last OB visits. At yesterday's appointment, the doctor said the baby is a good size and her heartbeat is still sounding great. My blood pressure remains in the normal range and I couldn't be more grateful that this pregnancy has gone so smoothly. I think even when I would let myself imagine what it would be like to finally carry a baby for this long, I never dreamed it would be possible for me to experience a largely stress-free (at least for the last two trimesters) pregnancy after all we'd been through up to this point. Thank you, Lord!

My next appointment will be in two weeks and from there I'll begin seeing the doctor every week. Believe it or not, that means only THREE more OB visits until baby time! Unbelievable.

I will share some of our favorites from the maternity pics in the next post, but today I have a few from the last baby shower. This one was our local shower with mostly church friends, a few family members, and a few Louisiana friends who now also live in Texas. My precious friend Meagan did a fantastic job putting all of it together! It was beautiful and it was another very special day of celebration for our little Lily girl that will be in my heart forever.
Here are some photos from the day, August 7. (I was 33 weeks.)

Sweet, sweet little birdie cake!

Food and decorations. (We got to keep all of the adorable outfits that were hanging all around the room!)

Me with shower hostess and wonderful friend, Meagan.

Chuck and me :)

With my dear friends/family from home. That's me in the middle and my sister next to me with the dark hair. The two friends on either end are two of my oldest and dearest friends all the way since grade school. The lovely lady in the multi-colored blouse is a teacher/friend from my high school. It was so sweet to have them all there!

Each and every baby shower we've had the honor of having has been so precious to me. I can hardly find the words to say how much they have all meant to us and were more than we could have hoped for. Thank you to our friends and family for celebrating this miracle with us and praying us through to this point. We love you!

Misconceptions

2010-08-05T23:00:00.003-05:00

Some days it frustrates me to no end that the general population is still quite uneducated and uninformed about infertility and miscarriage. Now that most people I know have heard about my pregnancy and now that it's far more obvious when I go out in public, I'm never quite sure what I'm going to get.

Most of the time a stranger will simply ask when I'm due or whether it's a boy or a girl. No problem; those questions are easy enough to just give a simple reply and move on. And it's not that I mind sharing my story anymore, but I am not going to launch into it during a passing encounter with just anybody. On occasion, though, the time seems right or the question is one where it seems appropriate to go into a more detailed response.

Just this week I had to have some lab work done to check my thyroid, which I've done once a trimester. Unfortunately my doctor's office can't draw it so I have to have the blood work done at a separate lab nearby. There, in one of the private rooms, the lady asked me about my pregnancy. I answered that yes, I am pregnant (surprised that she wasn't sure at 8 months, but I understand people don't want to guess at these things), and she asked if I was excited about the baby coming. Oh yes, I said. We've been waiting a very long time for this. She inquired further about my history and I told her about the miscarriages and the struggles. So far, the conversation had gone as I expected. But then came the part that I always dread: "Well, I guess you finally quit 'trying' and your body figured out what to do. You know, a lot of women adopt a baby and then get pregnant."

I guess I'm not offended by these statements, but it still just frustrates me that this is where we end up. I don't know why it has to be about having a magic solution that fixed the problem. No, in fact we hadn't "given up" or "quit trying" and we were not on the verge of adopting a baby. People just don't seem satisfied with the fact that I can't pinpoint exactly what worked for us or fixed my messed up reproductive system. And really I guess it's just a minor annoyance; I just wish that more people understood. It's interesting how these are almost the very same things that used to bug me when I was trying to get pregnant. It's just another form of "just relax" and "why don't you adopt?"

Other times when I share my story, I will have someone say that everything we went through was all worth it to get to this point. I have mixed feelings about that. Was it worth all the years we spent waiting and wondering, seeing doctors and having surgeries, and spending money? I'd say a resounding YES. Not that all of that was easy by any means. And I know that many endure so much more of that than I ever did, and it absolutely can reach a point where it becomes too much to handle. I've certainly learned that not all paths of IF treatment are the same. For me, though, in my own personal experience and because our fertility treatment phase wasn't really very invasive or complex in the long run, what I went through was totally worth it to achieve a successful pregnancy.

The part that I have a problem with, however, is the part of my story where our babies died. I'll just never be comfortable with saying that was "worth it." Don't get me wrong -- I would give up life and limb for this baby I'm carrying. She is worth every tear that I've cried and every hope and dream that I thought had died. And I would walk this same road again if I could know that she was waiting for me at the finish line. I'm just not okay with the terminology that losing six babies could ever feel worth it. Those lives were incredibly precious to me as well. As hard as the waiting part was, the beauty is that there came a point where that part was over and done. Or, I guess more accurately, that point will come next month when this baby is born. I know that she will definitely have been worth the wait! It's not that I'll never have to wait for anything again, but finally that 9-year struggle with never knowing if or when or how will be over in an instant. While there has been healing in my heart from losing my babies, though, I don't think that part will ever really be gone. I don't doubt in any way that the Lord can continue to heal that hurt for me. I pray that He does! But my heart will never forget those babies that I carried and wished for and prayed for.

I hate the misconception that seems to be out there (outside of the IF community, of course) that miscarriage is not a big deal. Anyone who has experienced it or had someone close to them experience it knows otherwise. Anyone who has wished and prayed for a baby and then hoped with everything inside of them that their baby would survive knows otherwise. Even after I had been through it multiple times, I still had people in my life who were confused about why I was so upset. It still boggles my mind that sometimes even the most passionate pro-lifers can be so casual about the loss of a baby. People told me that it was so common. It happens to a lot of people. I needed to forget it and move on with my life. I was still young. I could always have another baby. But I knew in my mind and in my heart that there was no guarantee of that. The odds were definitely stacking up against me. Besides that, the events of the past several years had taken their toll on my body and I sure didn't feel very young anymore. I needed time to grieve, while people outside of my immediate circle didn't seem to understand.

On a related note, I got an e-mail the other day from an acquaintance of mine who had heard we were expecting a baby. I don't know this person very well at all, and it was a very simple, brief message that I'm sure meant well. It was only about three sentences long, including a quick hello, followed by "I heard you were pregnant and I'm excited for you," and then the part that got under my skin: "Things always have a way of working themselves out." I still haven't responded to the message because I don't know what to say. I suppose that a simple thank-you will have to do. I guess it's just a matter of opinion, but I don't personally believe that things always work out the way we want them to. If things really did "work themselves out," wouldn't my body have gotten on board a long time ago and before I lost so many unborn babies? I frankly don't consider what I've lived through for the past decade things working themselves out.

Who would think so? Who would have wished for this? Oh, I wished for a healthy pregnancy. I wished for that when I was a young, innocent bride of 21. I wished for it the first time I got that positive test at the age of 24. Of course I kept wishing for it during our years of loss, but I didn't just sit around the house wishing! It took a great deal of courage and facing our fears to keep going. We had to find the strength to pick ourselves up and try again. We had to seek out the right medical help. We had to grow up very quickly and realize that this wasn't going to be easy. We had to get through some hard times in our marriage, teeter on the edge of depression, and battle anxiety and worry and grief. If I were going to covet or be jealous of something, it would be the easy road! I would have wished for that first baby to have lived, followed by subsequent healthy pregnancies back when we were young and naive! I wouldn't have wished for or been envious of this road we've had to walk.
(Maybe you think I'm being too hard on the sender of that e-mail, but take my word for it. If you knew this person you'd know that it was his way of telling me that I did all that worrying and wondering for nothing. It's pretty frustrating to be made to feel like you were silly for ever feeling that way.)

As the saying goes, though, hindsight is 20/20. I have reached a point where I can be thankful for the difficult times. I can appreciate how that experience grew and changed us even though (and because) it was so hard. I'm simply saying that it would have been my natural tendency, of course, to hope for the easier and less painful way. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I look back I don' think, "Wow, things really worked themselves out." No. Instead I think, "Thank the Lord that He brought us through." I know in my heart that there were times when I didn't think I would make it. That's when the lesson finally came through that His strength is perfect when mine is gone. I will always give God the glory for where we are now.

Remember those lessons in mercy that I wrote about last time? They are still being learned! I have to remind myself often to respond to people and comments with love and with mercy. And although most of the time, thankfully, it's not an issue, I'm learning to be prepared.

Thankfulness and Mercy

2010-08-04T13:04:00.005-05:00

I sure do find myself saying "thank you" a lot lately. I love that. Every day it seems there is someone to thank for something, whether it is a sweet gift for Lily, an encouraging word, or a reminder that someone is praying for us.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I always have the desire to thank YOU as well, those of you who still read these words that I write and who have shared in our joy as we prepare for this baby. I want you to know that I don't take this blogging community lightly. Once I've spent weeks, months, and years reading your blogs and praying my heart out for you in your specific situations and struggles, I no longer just think of you as acquaintances. Sure, it's different; there are some of you whose faces I've never even seen in pictures and whose real names I don't know. But I still feel a connection and a shared bond with many of you.

More than a year ago I started keeping a list. It's just a simple Word document on my computer that I began when the list of blogs that I follow kept growing. I've admitted to you before that I like lists. Okay, not only do I like them, but I'm a bit obsessed with them. They help me keep things in order, which is always a good thing! This list of names and blog titles served to help me remember who went with what blog and what the specific situation was. It also became a way of keeping up with my prayer requests for you. I was able to easily look it over and see who might be struggling with a loss, who was heartbroken over infertility, who was celebrating a pregnancy, who was waiting to adopt, and so on.

That list has grown to about 80 individual names and situations. I keep them updated with new information, or when a baby that I've been praying for is born or adopted, listing the baby's name (if given) and birth date in orange. I don't know why I picked orange, but that's what it is. Having the list brings me a lot of joy, partly because there is a lot more orange on it than there used to be! Each one is an answered prayer. Unfortunately, I know that not everyone's story will end with bringing home a baby. The purpose of the list is not to ultimately put down a baby's name by each one. Instead, it reminds me how many friends I've met along the way and how many different people's lives have in some way been connected with mine as we've shared our stories. I'm thankful for this list and each name that it represents. I'm thankful for the support and prayers we've received over the past couple of years from people who started out as strangers, as well as from my sweet real-life friends who follow along with my blog (I pray for you guys, too, of course!).

So, that's the long way of telling you how much I appreciate you for reading and responding to this little blog. It is sweet to be able to share some good experiences with you lately, after enduring what felt like a lifetime of disappointment and loss. I know that it's not always easy to follow someone when you are struggling. I'm always moved when I receive a comment from someone who I know is having a bad day (or year), and I'm very touched to get e-mails from new readers who are in the beginning or the middle of their own battles with infertility or recurrent miscarriage, who tell me that reading my story has given them hope. That alone is what keeps me writing about this experience I've been through. It wasn't easy, but with the Lord's help I've survived through multiple miscarriages and many years of heartbreak and despair. Thank you for finding hope in my story and encouraging me to keep sharing it!

There is a whole lot of thankfulness to go around! And now I've come to the part about mercy. I'm going to share with you very briefly but honestly that there have been some times that have stung in recent months. While I recognize the hurt and the struggle, it is still a sobering thought when you realize that your answered prayer, your miracle baby who finally survived in your womb, is the very thing that will cause some to stop following your story. That is the only thing I will say about it, and I don't plan on revisiting the subject in the future. I've felt some sadness over it and I've spent some time dwelling on it. Then I was at church this past Sunday and we had a guest speaker who talked about showing mercy, and the message went right to my core. I've made up my mind to let go of whatever hurt feelings I may have had and just continue to handle it with love and with mercy. I'll continue to follow and I'll continue to pray even if the sentiments are not returned.

I have for a long time resisted the tendency to lean towards an "us versus them" mentality, both when I was waiting to have a baby and especially now. A woman with a heart that aches over the sadness of infertility and the despair of pregnancy loss is not someone I used to be. It's someone I still am and will always be. A successful pregnancy hasn't caused me to "change sides." I'm the same woman... whose heart is also thankful to God for the grace and mercy that He has shown by giving us this child after we've entrusted six others to His eternal care. That wasn't a small sacrifice, but through it all we've learned to trust Him. This experience continues to teach me new things and grow me in ways that I never imagined. Sometimes the growing pains are not easy, but I'm grateful for the lessons learned.

Let me say again, thank you for walking with me and for sticking around for as long as you have, through the bad times and the good ones. It means so much to me!

Nursery

2010-08-02T13:03:00.009-05:00

We have been putting the final touches on the nursery for a few days and are finally to the point where we feel it is done! I'm sure we'll find some other things to organize and a few things may get moved around as more comes in, but we are very happy with the room's current state. Thanks for all of the interest you've shown in seeing pictures! I'm excited to share them with you today.

First I just want to take a minute to remember and to reflect on what having this room ready means to me. We were expecting our first baby when we bought this house over 8 years ago. The room was already set up as a nursery, but not even close to what I would choose as far as color and wallpaper borders go. We took down the border and painted that room and the guest room next door a nice shade of green that I loved, but we never had the chance to set it up as a nursery because I miscarried before we even finished moving in.

The room remained mostly empty for a while until we finally purchased a queen-sized bed and made it into a second guest room. And oh, how our guests have used that room! I'm thankful that we gave it another purpose over these past 8 years and that I didn't have the constant reminder of that empty room down the hall. The closet held some unused baby items for all those years, but the room ultimately brought us joy. It has been my mom's room and my in-laws' room for overnight stays, but mainly it was my nephews' room! They called it their room and we've watched them practically grow up in it. I think it was a slight shock to them when we started clearing it out to get ready for Lily. They rebounded quickly, though, on the promise that Uncle and I will always, always make room for them to come and visit, no matter what. :)

Needless to say, it does my heart good to see this room decorated and ready for our baby, with that same shade of green that I loved back then. I always knew it would go well with blue or pink, but all I could do was hope that one day we would actually see it come together. It has, and I'm so thankful. I can't tell you how often I go in there just to stand and take it all in. I love this room, and I can't wait for Lily Rae to come home to it.

Now, onto the pictures!

Crib and changing table dresser. I don't know if I ever mentioned the theme here on the blog, but we went with simple, sweet little birds. I absolutely love the bedding (although the crib doesn't display it very well) and especially the mobile! I believe you can click on the pictures to view them slightly larger.

Crib and dresser

The newborn outfit I plan to bring Lily home in. I've had this sweet outfit for many years.

Dresser and chair. By the way, if you are as in love with that precious name pillow as I am, check out my friend Mellanie's etsy shop! I have a link to it in the sidebar, or you can click here: Cat's Meow Boutique. She makes the most adorable things! You might see some more items she made for my Lily on the site (last time I checked it I saw the adorable wipe case she sent to me).

Decorations on and above dresser. The flash got in the way here, but that little pink framed decoration has an "L" on it. The 3 framed photos on the shelves are of Lily's 3 sweet cousins when they were babies.

Sweet little clothes in the dresser drawer

Changing area and window

Canvas hanging on the wall above the window

Small bookcase. Her closet has an entire shelf full of books as well. I love children's books and have been collecting them for quite some time. She will have lots of books to read for sure!

Decorations on bookcase. This little framed picture is of my mom and me when I was a baby. Oh, and besides scrapbooking I'm really not much of a crafter, but take note of the rick rack that we added to this old lamp shade last week. I think it turned out so cute, not to mention it cost us nothing (I already had the ribbon) and took about 15 minutes to complete! That made me pretty happy.

One of my favorite things about the room is that I can look on any wall in any direction and see things that were lovingly made for and given to this baby. There are so many sweet little treasures tucked into this space and each one holds a special meaning for us. We have been blessed tremendously by family and friends who share in our excitement in bringing Lily home! What a wonderful day it will be. Oh, I can't wait!

"I prayed for this child and the Lord granted what I asked of him." 1 Samuel 1:27
Some version of this verse appears 3 times in Lily's room. As far as I'm concerned, it could be there 100 times! I could never remember or repeat it enough.

Busy, Busy, Busy

2010-07-29T19:27:00.004-05:00

Hello friends! Since I have so many different updates for this week, I thought I'd give them to you in bullet points so I can keep them all nice and orderly. Can you tell I like lists? :)
Here goes!

First, we had a great week with our oldest nephew, A, last week! At nine years old he is getting so big and far more independent. On his first night here he declared that he would be fine sleeping by himself in the guest room. His younger brother preferred to sleep in our bedroom in a sleeping bag the week before. I have to admit I was a little sad, but each night he did ask me to lie down with him until he was asleep! He is still my little cuddle-bug, thankfully. We are so happy that we were able to spend time with both of them individually this summer before we have a brand new baby in the house. It was a real treat for this aunt and uncle.

This week I've been working very hard to get caught up with writing thank-you notes. I'm completely caught up, which is such a good feeling! I'm guessing I've written over a hundred already. My goal was to get them done before we have our fourth and final shower coming up next weekend and then I'll start all over again. This one will be local with many of our friends from church and some family. I'm looking forward to it! We are so, so thankful for the generosity and support.

My mom is finally doing better after her back surgery two weeks ago. She did have some setbacks and had to stay in the hospital for much longer than expected. The surgery went well and her back is feeling great, but she continued to have severe pain in her leg. My mom is very, very tough, so we knew that it must be hurting her terribly. We were afraid she would have to have a second surgery, but they eventually diagnosed her with bursitis in her hip and continued to treat it with pain medication and cortizone injections. She was finally able to take walks up and down the hallway and practice building up some strength in her legs. She has been home from the hospital for two days now and is doing pretty well. She still has lots of healing and resting to do, which I know is a challenge for her since she stays so busy. She may still require another procedure in the future but for now we are just waiting. Thanks for the prayers for her! Please continue to pray for her recovery, and especially that she will be okay to come visit baby Lily in mid-September!

Over the past couple of weeks Chuck and I have been gradually working on the nursery and I'm so happy to say that it is almost finished! I hope to get some pictures posted here to share with you in the next week or so. Just a few days ago we worked on hanging things on the walls, and even now while I write this I have the washer and dryer going with loads of her 6-9 month clothes. I'd already cut tags off of and laundered most of her 0-6 month things and they are nestled sweetly in drawers in her room. Doing all of this brings me so much joy as I think about how much closer we are to finally bringing a baby home. Sometimes I go in her room and look around just to take it all in and thank the Lord for answering this prayer.

We have about 7 more weeks to go (just about 50 more days!) until Lily's arrival. We are still counting down to the goal of a scheduled C-section at 39 weeks. At my last OB appointment things were still going well. My blood pressure was nice and low and the baby seemed to be measuring on target. So far I've gained a little more than 30 pounds total with the pregnancy. I actually feel pretty good about that number and am not at all embarrassed to share it with you. Hopefully it will make some of you feel better if, like me, you grow tired of reading about people who gain all of 2 pounds in 40 weeks! :) I'm also covered in stretch marks and I don't mind one bit.

Besides getting Lily's clothes washed and her room ready, the times I've been enjoying most this week especially are late at night when she gets very active. I've been having trouble sleeping lately (not necessarily because she's active but because it's getting hard to get comfortable in the bed) and I'm realizing how much I thoroughly enjoy those quiet moments with my sweet little girl. Feeling her kick and watching her roll around in my belly are things that I will greatly miss about this stage of pregnancy. Not to sound pessimistic at all, but I have no idea whether this will be my only opportunity to experience this. I don't want to take a single moment for granted.

As I'm sure you can imagine, spending two weeks with our nephews, checking up on my mom, working on the nursery, and other regular chores around the house have kept us very busy this month! It has gone by so quickly and now the calendar is mostly empty while we wait for September. I have so much reading to do to get caught up with you and your blogs! I have browsed through my feedreader and kept up with most things, but I'm looking forward to really getting back in touch in the next few days. Hoping you are all doing well. I haven't forgotten to keep you in my prayers!
Thanks for reading.

Happy Days

2010-07-16T23:29:00.007-05:00

First I want to thank you so very much for the precious and supportive comments on my last post. It means a great deal to me that so many of you care and continue to follow our journey and take the time to encourage me with your words. Thank you!

We have had another very busy and very full couple of weeks, but I'm grateful for every moment. Last weekend we had our third baby shower, near my hometown this time, hosted by my sister and held at her church. We celebrated sweet Lily with cake, food, and gifts galore!

(Me at 29 weeks, with the adorable cake)

(With my lovely sister and mother)

I was so touched to have so many wonderful people there with me. My husband attended this one and was our official photographer for the day. My sister and mom were there, of course, as well as members from both my mom and dad's side of the family. My dad and his wife came by for a little while before the shower began. It is always a bit tricky to have events like this when you come from divorced parents, but thank the Lord it went really well. Two of my older half-siblings also came with their families, along with my mom's sister, my dad's sister and my 92-year-old grandmother. Chuck's sister, grandmother, and aunt were also with us that day.

(My husband and me with our sweet grandmothers)

There were so many friends surrounding us and it meant so much to us! Four of my classmates from grade school were there and another dear school friend was there with her sweet daughter who is practically grown now. I could go on and on about how I felt seeing the joy on the faces of our family and friends over this miracle! As hard as it used to be to imagine attending my own baby showers, I have to say they have been such memorable days for me. Just as I hoped and imagined, I'm able to look around the room and thank the Lord for putting people in our lives who truly love us, care about us, and pray for us. It's hard to find words to express how that makes me feel.

I was touched to have several old friends there to share the day with, but I also had a very special guest whose presence made me cry tears of joy. There, at my baby shower, I was able to meet a precious blog friend face to face for the first time! This was my third time to be able to meet a fellow blogger in person and it is always an incredible experience. Crystal and I made the connection quite a while ago that we were from the same general area, and I was delighted that she came to share this day with us. You see, Crystal is also expecting her miracle baby, due just three months after my Lily! Oh how I've prayed for her throughout her struggle (just as I still do for so many of you) and it was such a huge blessing to be able to share hugs, tears, and smiles on that day.

Thank you so much, friend, for giving me this beautiful memory! I can't wait to tell my daughter about it someday. The gifts you brought were so precious and I know they were from the heart!

We once again returned home with a car-full of wonderful, generous gifts from dear friends and family. My sister, her friends, and my mom did a great job of making the day so special for us.

We've had our sweet nephew, N, here with us for the week and we have had such a great time spending one-on-one time with him! We made this plan several months back so we could spend some extra time with my sister's boys before the baby arrives. They usually come together, but this year they were both so excited about coming one at a time. So we've had a 7-year-old with us all week and we are sad to have to take him back home this weekend, but his older brother will be here with us next week! I know I don't have to tell you how much we love spending time with our boys. :)

Finally, can I just tell you what a remarkable uncle my dear husband is? He has come home from work every single day this week excited and ready to spend some fun time with N. They went bowling, played at the arcade, and spent an afternoon at a water park. The three of us also went to the movies, played games, and got in lots of cuddle time with movie nights at home. Even as I write this from the living room couch, they are curled up in our bed watching The Lion King together. (Actually, I just peeked in and they are both asleep!)
My husband loves it. And he will do it all over again when N's brother comes to stay with us next week! I love watching him with my sister's kids, and my heart overflows when I imagine how wonderful he will be with his daughter.

One of the last things they did together before we take N home tomorrow was put Lily's crib together. N loves to help build things, so it was the perfect project for them! We got the rest of the furniture in this week as well and her room is beginning to take shape. We don't yet have the crib mattress and the walls are not decorated, but I will post pics of the nursery in the coming weeks when it is done.

I can't believe that tonight I will go to sleep in my house while the room down the hall has a baby bed in it. Thank you, Lord. My heart is full!

One final word: please keep my sweet mom in your prayers. She had back surgery (which lasted a whopping seven hours) this week and is still recovering in the hospital. I know she would greatly appreciate your prayers right now! We will see her this weekend.

On Infertility and Faith

2010-07-09T00:00:00.001-05:00

(Normally when I get ready to type a post, I sit down and write what I want to say and hit "publish." It usually takes me about an hour to write and proofread it. This post, however, is one that I've been chewing on for several days before putting it out there. It's been on my mind this week after the combination of an article I read and an e-mail from a friend. I'd be interested in your feedback if you wish to share it!)

I wish we lived in a world where people who desperately wanted to have children could always succeed. I think it will always hurt my heart that this isn't so.

One of the many things about infertility that is so hard to grasp is that it's not the kind of journey where it always ends the same way and everyone gets a baby. I know that, and while it may be hard to hear this from me at this time in my life, that's where I thought my journey might very well go. While I always prayed, hoped, and wished for children of my own to love and raise here on earth, I had no guarantee that it would really happen one day. I had absolutely no way of knowing whether I would ever have a normal pregnancy. Even though that's what I hoped for and tried to achieve, in my mind I knew that I needed to plan for either outcome. Children or no children. That was by far one of the hardest parts of my journey, aside from losing my babies to miscarriage.

There are so many positive-sounding pieces of advice that we've probably heard all of our lives, like "If you work really hard at something and don't give up, you will succeed." Or, to quote Back to the Future (part one), "If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything." And there's the old standby, "Good things come to those who wait." These might work 99% of the time in business or many other areas of life, but they just don't apply to infertility. "Hang in there" and "don't give up" don't necessarily always work with having a baby. With that being said, I firmly believe that you should pray and try and seek medical help for as long as you can or want to or have the means to, if your desire is to have a baby. I think you should give it your all and plead with the Lord to intervene. But I don't think that the right combination of effort, good luck, positive thinking, and strong faith are what will make a baby.

I always would cringe when someone told me that my pregnancy would work if I had enough faith or if I just thought happy, positive thoughts. You can imagine how I felt when it didn't work. What was wrong with me? How did I manage to mess this up again? Was my faith really so weak?

While I'm not always the world's most positive person, I think I do okay at having a decent attitude most of the time. And I certainly am a person of faith. Without my faith, I don't know where I would be. But I don't think that having faith in my amount of faith will get me very far! And I don't even think that the key was having faith that I would one day have a baby, because I knew deep down in my heart that it might not happen for me. I could have faith as small as a mustard seed or as huge as a mountain, but the size of my faith doesn't affect my ability to carry a baby to term. (Stay with me here!)

Faith in my Lord's ability to act, on the other hand, is what matters. One of the lessons I learned through recurrent pregnancy loss was that I needed to focus my faith and my trust on my Savior, and on Him alone: on who He is and what He can do. My job is to believe, but it's His job to act. I was beginning to place all of my faith in having a baby someday, just knowing that if I could do that I would be happy and fulfilled. I came to see that God was the only one who could make this happen for me. He was the only one who could give me joy, peace, and fulfillment, and He was certainly the only one who could put life in my womb. Now, that didn't mean that he ultimately would make that happen. What it meant to me was that I needed to trust Him and have faith in His ability to act no matter what. As hard as it was for me to grasp, I had to learn that He would still be Lord and He would still be sovereign even if I never had children.

As I wrote about in my last pos t, the Bible tells us that nothing is impossible with God. This is a wonderful promise for the barren woman today, just as it was for Elizabeth way back then! I firmly believe that sometimes this is the message that might just help someone to keep pressing on when they feel like giving up. God can do the impossible, which is immensely encouraging when you feel that your situation is impossible! That's where I was without a doubt. I couldn't see how my crazy, death-trap of a womb would ever become a good home for a baby. I had tried and failed six times and had no real answer or solution, no guarantee that our seventh attempt would be any different. But we hoped and prayed for a miracle anyway, and we trusted that it was up to the Lord to give and sustain life to this baby.

Believing in the impossible (translated = believing that God could do the impossible and praying that He would) helped us to carry on and find the courage to give it another try. And by His grace, our baby is surviving. It's not because we had faith in our amount of faith (because believe me, I know I didn't). It's because God acted and because He is God. I don't think for one second that I'm still carrying this baby because I finally figured out the right formula. On the contrary, I take every opportunity to make sure that it is God and only God who gets the glory for this miracle.
(I recently read a great article about this topic of faith on the Desiring God blog that I thought was so helpful. It certainly explains things much better than I could. Here's the link if you'd like to check it out: Peter: When the Rock Sunk Slowly)

I've come to realize that there are several other places in Scripture where we see examples of this. It appears that Jesus healed many people on the basis of their faith. It would be easy to think that they were healed simply because they had tremendous faith. But if we look closely, we can see that they had faith specifically in the fact that they knew and believed that Jesus was able:

As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed him, calling out, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!" When he had gone indoors, the blind men came to him, and he asked them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?"
"Yes, Lord," they replied. Then he touched their eyes and said, "According to your faith will it be done to you"; and their sight was restored... (Matthew 9:27-30)
(See also Matthew 9:20-22; Luke 7:1-10)

Something else that I've seen in my reading this week is the reminder that there is power in prayer. I believe this with all of my heart, which is why I've prayed for so many years for our children and why I continue to pray diligently for each of you. I'm reminded of Hannah's story in 1 Samuel, as well as this verse in Genesis 25:21, "Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant." The Bible invites us again and again to approach the Lord with confidence and bring our requests to Him with expectant hope. (Ephesians 3:12; Hebrews 4:16; 1 John 5:14-15)

At this point let me say that I know that some people who have walked the road of infertility and/or miscarriage will prayerfully come to a time when they feel that it's right for them to stop pursuing pregnancy or treatment. I think this is a brave decision that takes far more trust and faith in the Lord that I can fully imagine. And I don't believe that it is lack of faith or "giving up." I don't understand why loving, caring, wonderful people who want to have children sometimes won't have the opportunity to do so. I'll never understand that, and knowing some of the truly wonderful women in my life who haven't had children and yet always wanted to will always make my heart ache. Another thing I've learned on this journey is that adoption, as wonderful as I think it is and as much joy as I've seen it bring to families over the years, just isn't realistically an option for all couples in all situations all the time.

I believe that sometimes God may be telling us to stop. I would never, ever second-guess a person who felt like this was where they were on their infertility journey. I have absolutely no doubt that it is also in His ability to give that person peace and fulfillment in their life. (That may very well be the part of your situation that feels impossible!) That is my prayer for all of us, no matter what the end of our struggle may look like.

But, unless that is where your journey has taken you, I'll be here to encourage you to keep pressing on and believing that God can do the impossible. He can change our hearts and even our circumstances. I'm living proof.

200 Days

2010-07-07T17:57:00.005-05:00

I remember writing a post back in March when I reached 100 days of this pregnancy. Today is day 200! I can't believe that I've been pregnant for 200 days... in a row.

Maybe it seems like a weird thing to do, but that made me curious about how this number compares to my other pregnancies combined. I added up the weeks and they totaled 53. That's 371 days. Six pregnancies and more than a year of total time I'd spent pregnant without bringing a baby home. That seems like a huge chunk of time in my mind, even though I know it was spread out over about 6 years. And even though the number seems big, I know it doesn't compare to the number of days and weeks I've spent longing for a baby and hoping that one day my dream would be fulfilled.

Thank the Lord, these 200 days have been different. They've been fruitful days. Days that have brought us closer and closer to having a baby in our arms instead of only in our hearts and our memories.

Last weekend I reached 28 weeks -- the third trimester! It is still so hard for me to fathom. Me: seven months pregnant. I don't know how or why, but I know that my heart is overwhelmed and so full of thankfulness for this little life that God has granted and sustained. After so many years of problems (some identified and so many unidentified) resulting in miscarriage after miscarriage, I'm not sure I ever truly believed that I would have a healthy pregnancy. But the weeks keep passing and this baby keeps right on growing and living. And we are amazed and delighted. I just went back to the OB today for my regular visit and things are looking good. (I got the results for my glucose screening and was so happy to hear that they looked fine and I passed! Everything else is going along as scheduled.)

It seemed impossible to me. Totally impossible. But then I remember a verse in the Bible that I'd known for many years but really couldn't have told you the context until recently. It's in the first chapter of Luke, and it's the story of when the angel Gabriel visited Mary to tell her that she would give birth to Jesus. Gabriel explains to her that her relative Elizabeth is also having a child, and I love the way that he says this part: "...she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God." (verses 36-37)
Gabriel was trying to get a point across to Mary. She wondered how she could possibly become pregnant since she was a virgin. Gabriel wants her to know that God could do what seemed impossible to her. He could even make a barren woman pregnant!

She who was said to be barren. Can you relate? I can. But isn't it wonderful that God isn't afraid of that word? My physical problems and my fears and doubts and even my history with miscarriage weren't surprising and were not an impediment to Him. For nothing is impossible with God!

I hope this encourages you today if you feel like your situation is impossible. I know that it doesn't help at all sometimes to hear someone say, "Hey, it happened for me! It will happen for you!" Sure, you might just want to punch that person in the face, knowing that they don't have a guarantee of what will happen in your future. Sometimes I felt that way, too. But I also know that it did my heart tremendous good to hear about someone who made it through. Maybe it was someone whose story sounded a lot like mine or even much worse. I needed to know that God could still move even though I doubted.

Today I just want you to know that sometimes the impossible truly does happen. That's what I want this blog to testify to. We serve a God who can look at what seems like a big, jumbled, impossible mess to us and almost hear Him say, "No problem. I can fix that."

(This was the precious cake that was at our baby shower given by my husband's coworkers a few weeks ago. I was so touched by it!)

Changes

2010-07-06T00:00:00.001-05:00

Last year on this day, July 6, I wrote at length about our first miscarriage. It was really the first time I'd blogged in detail about a specific loss, and I distinctly remember how painful it was and yet how it felt good and right to remember and to share that baby's story.

I'm not going to recap that entire post (you can read it here if you'd like), but today is the anniversary of our first miscarriage. Eight years ago we had a very different 4th of July weekend. We waited, worried, and tried to distract ourselves from what was happening. We focused our energies on working in our new house and tried to believe that there would one day be children living here, too. Our children. We just needed more time. We needed to mourn and to heal. A lot of women miscarry their first babies, I'd been told. Although it feels devastating, it's not uncommon. It doesn't mean we have a problem. We will have another baby soon.

If you read this blog, then you already know the rest of the story. That first loss nearly ripped me apart. It took me by surprise. Miscarriage was suddenly part of my life and not just something sad I'd heard about that happened to other people. Aside from the awful physical experience I had, I really didn't know then just how painful it would be emotionally. And I certainly had no idea that it was the beginning of a long struggle that would forever change who I was and how I looked at life. That's where I was eight years ago at this time.

For years I've read those "then and now" posts from other bloggers and I've always been intrigued and touched by them. So much can change in a year. God can accomplish huge tasks in a relatively short amount of time. A year can change the entire course of a life! I believed that, but it hadn't happened to me. The years were adding up and not a single thing had changed, except the number of babies I'd had to release to heaven, my gradual spiral into despair and depression, and the hardening of my heart. These were issues I was working on. I was desperately trying to work out a new direction for myself and trying to find contentment in my life whether we would have children or not. That's where I was last year at this time.

Now, I can't help but look at the changes that this year has brought. This 4th of July holiday, like the one eight years ago, finds us waiting again. Waiting for a baby to be born, but this time, to stay and to hold in our arms. It finds me sleeping fitfully. Sleeping fitfully, again because of pregnancy, but in an entirely different way. And it finds us working in the same house we had just moved into that weekend years ago, but this time as necessary preparations and in anticipation of a new arrival instead of a distraction from the pain of having to say goodbye.

Yes, a lot can change in a year. But sometimes it may take much, much longer. Either way, to God be the glory! I'm thanking Him today for bringing about a huge change in my life, my heart, and my body.

And while the change is greatly welcomed, we still remember our first miracle baby who has now been in heaven for eight years.

We love you so much, little one.

Opening Old Wounds

2010-07-01T08:00:00.001-05:00

Last night we attended the infant CPR class that we signed up for a few weeks ago. It went well and we learned a lot. I did get a sick feeling and chills all over when we watched some of the scenarios on the video. I guess I wasn't expecting that, but it was quite scary to imagine myself in those situations with my child (or any child). We were glad that we went, though, and we certainly hope we never have to use what we learned.

Something else I wasn't expecting was that the class was held in a building I used to frequent. I have a lot of memories in that building and not many (okay, none) of them good. The very first fertility clinic we ever visited is just a few floors up from where we met for the class. I realized a few things when we revisited it last night.

First, that feels like a lifetime ago.

Second, I don't remember feeling a whole lot of hope back then.

It was actually 2003 and not really a lifetime ago, and it was after my second miscarriage. The pregnancy had progressed a lot like the first. I'd made it to 11 weeks, almost the second trimester, before we discovered that something was wrong via ultrasound. I thought I was 11 weeks along, but the baby had not survived that long. Twice. We decided to pursue some initial testing before trying for a third, which we finally achieved a full year later. That pregnancy was short lived, though. It hadn't even gone as "well" as my first two and I remember how hopeless we felt.

But is it possible to feel hopelessly devastated and yet hopeful in a way? I guess I was a bit hopeful. I was young and we still had avenues to explore. It was so, so hard having to lose those three precious babies, but we had a purpose. We wanted to find out what was wrong, why this was happening, and we wanted to "fix" it. And it was that same year that we discovered I had a septum in my uterus. Aha! An answer! More testing and a couple of surgeries followed before pregnancy number four, which we were sure would make it. And oh, we were hopeful then. But there we were in that same dreaded building, two years later, with a doctor who told us that, quite frankly, she didn't think that our beautiful baby with the beating heart was going to make it. And she turned out to be right, much to our shock and horror. We didn't want to believe her because the baby was growing and had survived longer than the others. So we ran away from her negativity and sought another opinion. Yes, the baby did look okay! But we needed to keep monitoring the pregnancy. At the next visit, our baby had died. Again, a part of me had, too.

From there we tried to pick ourselves up and start again. We had more tests. We returned to that same building to consult a high-risk pregnancy doctor, who seemed to lose interest in us after our next two pregnancies didn't last very long despite his recommendations. And yes, again in that same building we were shuffled back to my original OB-GYN, who in her complete lack of knowledge about treating recurrent pregnancy loss, told me (over the phone, no less) that she was sure I had some kind of genetic problem that would prevent me from ever having a normal, healthy pregnancy. While I had been devastated before, I think that was the day it felt like my very soul was crushed and my heart completely broken.

Even though we weren't sure we could pick up the pieces again after six losses and such a grim prognosis (or opinion, as it were), it began to feel like a brand new era when we left that building behind and sought help from Dr G. We let the sun set on that place and moved into a new day. It was still hard. It was scary to start again. What if he looked at us like we were crazy for pursuing this? What if we were setting ourselves up for failure again? There were certainly hopeless and fearful times ahead. It took two and a half years before anything happened and during that time we still didn't really find answers. Six babies gone and still no answers. That was truly difficult. I had become pretty good at trying not to dwell on it or think too much about what we'd been through. When I look back now it was like I had been living in a fog for years. Starting this blog and going through the process of writing about it helped me work a lot of that out. I started letting myself feel the sadness of loss again, but soon I started to feel another familiar feeling, too. Hope.

No, I never expected that going to that class last night, circling that parking lot again and stepping back into that building, would open up so many old wounds. But I see now how far we've come and how much we had to overcome to get here. That's why I still don't feel like an ordinary pregnant woman, I guess. I know deep down inside that the odds were against us and against this baby. Yet somehow, here we are.

Right next door to that building is the hospital where I miscarried some of our babies. It's also the hospital where we will meet our daughter in about 11 weeks.

It feels strange to think that one day a building on that street will hold happy memories for us. Unless they tear it down someday, that building full of sad memories will stand next to the hospital where Lily will be born. Even then, in the years to come, it will be a memorial to me of all we went through to get to this place. And that will give us all the more reason to rejoice.

Always There

2010-06-24T15:30:00.002-05:00

I don't know where the time has been going lately, but it's really flying. Summers always do seem that way I guess, but in the years we spent struggling through pregnancy loss, time always seemed to pass so slowly no matter what the season. The weeks and days (and especially the nights) would drag on, yet before I knew it I was facing another Christmas, New Year, and birthday with an empty womb and empty arms. Somehow the years piled up more quickly than I expected while we were slowly trudging through day by day.

Now, for the time being, I don't mind that time is marching on. One of my favorite things to do is turn the calendar to a new month and count the weeks until our due date in September. I'm so eager to have this baby here that I want the next few months to go quickly even though we're not "ready" in terms of having everything done.

But with all the joy and all the things we have to keep us steadily busy for the next 12 weeks, those years of infertility and loss are always there. They are in the past, hopefully once and for all, but they don't go away. The old familiar hurt is there when I hear of someone experiencing loss. I still feel funny (jealous?) when I hear a pregnancy announcement from someone very young, newly married, and totally oblivious that anything could possibly go wrong.

I still miss the babies I carried before Lily. They were here, they were loved, and they were celebrated before they were gone. And besides missing them, I don't think I could ever forget the huge, aching emptiness I felt inside. The future was so uncertain when it came to whether or not we'd ever get over this hurdle. Could I be okay if we never had children? Would I be destined to live with only the memory of six tiny babies that we never got to see or hold? Will we be able to adopt, and if so, where would the finances come from? How could we ever have a successful pregnancy after six failures? Would we ever beat the odds somehow?

So many questions. And while some of my questioning and wondering has been put to rest, the feelings of loss are always there. And yes, the fears are still around, too. I think they always are when you've had a history of loss. I still pray so hard for this child. I talk to her and tell her how much her Daddy and I love her, and how hard we tried to get her here. I tell her what a miracle she is already, and I pray God's protection over her life.

Because the reminders of what we've lost are everywhere. Lily will wear clothes and play with toys that were bought for her siblings years ago (although, trust me, she has plenty of brand new things that are just hers!). She will probably grow up wondering why we look at her with such awe, why we call her a miracle, and why we get choked up every time we thank God for her in our prayer time.

It's not that I need reminders to remember where we've been. I don't, but sometimes they come unexpectedly. I've been able to do a lot of reading in the past few weeks, and the last two books that I finished from my reading list (The Forgotten Garden and Sarah's Key) had some element of infertility or miscarriage in the plot. I had no idea when I added these works of fiction to my list at the beginning of the year that they had anything to do with that topic. One of the books was well over 500 pages long and the infertility element didn't appear until more than 400 pages in.

I don't necessarily mind when a book talks about infertility or miscarriage. Actually, I'm glad that people are beginning to see that it's a real and terrible issue that a lot of women face. I'm glad it's being talked about so much more than it used to, even if it is in a novel. But sometimes it catches me off guard. Sure, I use books as an escape from real life. I always have. That's what is so great about getting lost in a story! Sometimes it feels too familiar, though. Sometimes I'm not prepared. I wasn't expecting to have big, fat tears rolling down my cheeks because I can relate to the woman who feels like she's at the end of her rope because her body has betrayed her. She feels a familiar ache in her abdomen and fears the worst. She feels her hopes and dreams begin to crumble when she realizes that her pregnancy is over. She feels like a failure as a woman and a wife because she can't have a baby. She feels empty and desperate and alone.

I know those feelings because they are always there.

And I'm ready. Ready for my mourning to turn to dancing, and ready for my tears of grief to become tears of joy. But, rest assured, even when the time finally comes, I'll never forget.

FULL

2010-06-16T16:55:00.000-05:00

It has been a very busy week around here and I have lots of updates to get to. I've been feeling very full lately, which is quite a change after so many years of feeling so empty. It's hard to believe that after six and a half months I still sometimes feel like this is not really happening, that I can't really have a baby growing inside. But somehow, against all odds, that's where we are and my heart is full.

Last weekend was our first baby shower. This one was scheduled first because it was in my husband's hometown (the town where we both went to college, got married, and lived for a few years before moving to Texas), which is a six-hour drive from our home. We know we won't be traveling that far again, so the time was right. It was such a sweet day. The shower was held in the home of a dear friend of mine who went through quite a few years of infertility way back when I had no idea about such things. She's not that much older than I am, but her years of infertility came before we had started trying to have children and it seems like so long ago to me now. She now has two daughters and a son after her years of waiting and battling severe endometriosis. Having the shower in her beautiful home was special to me because of that and because of what a great friend she is.

Three more dear friends of mine were also hostesses that day, and they did such a great job of decorating and preparing the wonderful food! I was delighted to have both of my sisters-in-law in town for the occasion as well. We had just over 30 people in attendance and I truly felt overwhelmed with joy at the love and generosity. A few of the people there were church friends who were around for our wedding shower 12 years ago. There were some friends there that day that we hadn't seen in many years and had been dearly missed. Above all, I felt surrounded by people who had spent years praying us through so much heartache before finally getting to this point of celebration. That made the day so special to me!

Oh, and yes, our car was absolutely FULL for the six-hour ride home because of their generosity! We were given plenty of wonderful things for Lily. Boy, do people like to buy clothes for baby girls! :) I loved it, though, and each and every gift I opened made my heart sing. I imagined her in those sweet little dresses. I imagined her in that car seat. I imagined her in her high chair for family meals. And I even imagined changing diapers, all with so much joy and gratitude for the opportunity to be in this position.

When I looked around the room I saw a few precious faces of women that I know have walked this road in some way. There were at least two who have faced infertility and at least four more who have babies in heaven. This was not lost on me for one second. I attempted to express my thanks to everyone there when it was over, but of course it came out as a jumbled, tearful mess. I hope that my message came through, though, and that everyone there knew what this means to me. Not just the gifts and not just their attendance that day, but the years and years of support and prayers that have gotten us here.

I don't have all of the pictures yet from that day (they are on a few different cameras) but I can share a couple. I may have more for next week, along with some from our second shower which is coming up on Friday of this week, hosted by my husband's co-workers.

Here is a pic of Lily's room (obviously still set up as a guest room) after we got home with all of her stuff. You can see why my heart is so very full!

Here is a closeup of that adorable wreath that was made by the shower host. I couldn't wait to get home and hang it on the door!

Also, last week I had a visit from a dear friend of mine who brought the most precious gifts, including this gorgeous canvas that she painted for Lily's room. We both cried when I opened it! Talk about my heart overflowing... I was so touched. I will treasure it and I can't wait to hang it in her room as a sweet reminder: "I prayed for this child and the Lord granted what I asked of Him." Thanks, GG!

One more update: I went to my OB appointment on Monday and everything is still looking good. My weight really jumped up there this time, as I'm sure you can tell from these recent pics, but the doc says she thinks I'm at a good weight for this stage. (Whew!) I will go again in 3 weeks because it will be time for my glucose screening, and after that it will be time to start going every 2 weeks! I can't believe it.

Our Anniversary Getaway

2010-06-08T15:00:00.007-05:00

Thanks for all of the sweet anniversary wishes! We had a fantastic weekend away and I can't wait to tell you all about it and share some pictures.

When we were discussing where to spend the weekend, we knew that we wanted it to be someplace fairly close, within a short drive from home. The very next weekend we will be traveling six hours away to my husband's hometown, so we didn't want two long trips back-to-back. Truthfully, we haven't done much traveling within the state of Texas since moving here nine years ago. We decided to go less than two hours away to Brenham, Texas for the weekend. It seemed like a good choice: it's close, there are a few things to do but it can still be a lazy weekend, and we found this adorable place to stay (Tara Farms).

It turned out to be perfect for what we wanted our anniversary weekend to be! We left on Friday afternoon just before lunch and were in Brenham by 1 PM. We started out by touring the Blue Bell factory, something we've talked about doing since moving here. (Have people outside of the southern United States heard of Blue Bell ice cream?) It was a special treat for sure. The tour lasted about 45 minutes and ended with free ice cream! Can't beat that. :)

From there we headed out of town and into the country to Tara Farms. Let me tell you, we were pretty sure from the website that we would love the little cottage, but when we got there it just felt perfect. How adorable is this place?

The cottage is right next to the main house, but the B&B owners let you have complete privacy. The keys were waiting for us and the cottage was stocked with everything we could possibly need for the weekend, including muffins for breakfast and fresh fruit, juice, milk, coffee, snacks and then some. We absolutely loved the decor inside the cottage. It was a great place for a nice, quiet retreat.

We enjoyed our breakfasts in this little nook.

Besides the cozy bedroom and sitting areas, the cottage had a lovely bathroom with a nice, big tub for relaxing baths. Outside was just as cozy with beautiful landscaping and acres and acres of land all around.

We enjoyed sitting out on the porch rocking chairs and on the swings beneath the trees, and were visited frequently by birds, butterflies, and dragonflies.

Of course, among the many beautiful flowers we particularly enjoyed the lilies, which reminded us of our precious little Lily who is growing more and more each day.

Each day we enjoyed heading back into Brenham for food, antiquing, and shopping, but every evening we were happy to return to such a beautiful and welcoming spot in the country. We thoroughly enjoyed the many shops in town, the wonderful southern-style home cooking we found in various restaurants, and the time spent outdoors enjoying nature and indoors napping or catching up on some reading. In the evenings we loved soaking in a nice bubble bath and then settling in under the covers to watch a movie.

Saturday was the day we set aside to celebrate our anniversary. We exchanged cards and gifts over breakfast at the cottage. I included the letter that I wrote to Chuck here on the blog in his card. I'd kept it secret from him and we were both a little teary-eyed as he read it. I was surprised and delighted to receive my gift from him. I'm happy to report that the ring finger on my left hand is no longer naked! (You may remember that I haven't been able to wear my wedding/engagement set for a few months now.) He gave me a beautiful three-stone anniversary ring, which I love. That night we got dressed up and enjoyed a nice dinner at a local Italian restaurant. It was truly a perfect day all around!

During our shopping on Saturday we visited a furniture store for the sole purpose of "window shopping" but we found a lovely little dining table with four chairs and a bench that we just loved! Our dilemma was that we live two hours away and had not brought a delivery truck with us. :) The price was excellent, though, and we just couldn't pass it up. We asked an employee about delivery and were happy to hear that they deliver to Houston and beyond "all the time," and even happier to hear that the delivery is FREE! It was music to our ears, so we purchased it and can't wait to get it here. I think the new table will serve as a nice memory of our trip as well!

The cottage provided a wonderful weekend getaway for us to go and relax and enjoy being with each other. We had much to celebrate this weekend, including 12 years of marriage, reaching six months in this pregnancy, and answered prayer from a loving and faithful Lord.

A Letter to my Husband

2010-06-06T00:00:00.001-05:00

(I'm writing this post on Thursday as Chuck and I are getting ready to head out of town Friday for the weekend. I'll schedule it to publish on Sunday, which is our 12th wedding anniversary. I'll write again next week and fill you all in on our weekend!)

To my dear husband,

How do I begin to say thank you for twelve wonderful years of marriage? Sometimes it feels as though we are still kids, just getting to know each other and loving every minute of it. Other times I think we are already a seasoned "old" couple who have been through so much together, know each other through and through, and still anticipate the years to come.

It hasn't always been smooth sailing since we said "I do." We had no way of knowing what was ahead, but I believed you that day when we held hands in front of God and family and friends and you spoke these words:

"I promise to forsake all others and cleave only to you. I promise to love, honor, comfort, and spiritually edify you. I take you from this day forth for better or for worse, in riches and in poverty, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part. I promise to pray for you, to live with you in an understanding way, and to forgive you as God has forgiven me. I promise to give myself to you as Christ gave himself for us, to fulfill my duty to you and to be your spiritual leader. Therefore I receive you as God's lovely gift to me."

You didn't know it would mean nine years of infertility, six babies in heaven, dozens of doctor visits and surgeries, and countless sleepless, tearful nights, but I know you would have been by my side no matter what came our way.

Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for never, ever doubting God's ability to move in our situation. Thank you for always believing that we could one day fulfill our dream of bringing home a baby and raising children. I don't know how you did that, but you never wavered. I think if you had I may have lost every ounce of hope, resolve, and courage that has gotten us to this place. I knew that you would support me if at any time I had reached my breaking point and thought we should quit trying. You always made that clear. But every time I asked if you thought this would work one day, you answered with a resounding YES. You didn't know how, but you believed. I don't know if you'll ever truly understand how much that meant to me and how it kept me going for so many years.

Thank you for showing me that beautiful, godly men who truly loved and were faithful to their wives and families really do exist. I used to seriously doubt that, but you have restored my faith in love, in marriage, and in commitment.

Now we're on the verge of a whole new adventure and I'm ready to jump in with both feet, thankful that I have the chance to do this with you! You've always told me that "we make a good team," and I can't wait to see what a great father you will be. I already know what a gentle, humble, kind heart you have. I'm eager to see how well you will adapt to being the father of a little girl who will love and appreciate you as much as I do. And oh, I know that she will be the apple of your eye!

We have twelve great, memorable years behind us now and a whole lifetime ahead. I love you and the husband God made you to be more and more every day! Happy Anniversary.

Love,
Stacey

Blogging Future?

2010-06-02T17:00:00.001-05:00

I love blogging. I really do. Blogging has reawakened my passion for writing. It has given me a place to share and explore some really tough feelings. The beauty of blogging as opposed to journaling is the feedback. It helped me find a community of people who understood and offered support. And it has even gone above and beyond that by helping me to heal from some hurts, and by bringing new friends into my life and helping me to communicate more openly with my existing friends who follow along. I really do believe that blogging has enriched my life for the past two years. For that I am very thankful.

Some people, I know, are of the opinion that one shouldn't continue to write a blog about infertility once they are pregnant or have had a baby. Maybe you think this too, and that's okay. This is just my opinion, as always. I don't know exactly which direction my blog will take in the months and years ahead. I would love to keep blogging and I'm pretty sure that I will do that in some way. But what I can't do is stop writing about infertility and miscarriage. It may not be the topic of every single post, but it will always be part of my life. It is a huge part of my story and my personal testimony. Like it or not, it has had a large role in forming who I am today (for better or worse).

You see, I don't look at having a baby as the end of my struggle. Oh, I can definitely see how in some ways it is. It is without a doubt what I've been working for and trying for, and I know that the day our daughter is born will feel like a completion, or a culmination, in a way.

But here is something that I think a lot of people don't quite grasp: Having a baby does not replace a baby or babies that you've lost. It doesn't magically wipe away years of grief and hurt over the loss of those lives. And I suppose that this is debatable, but I don't believe that having a baby makes a person no longer infertile. Maybe that seems like an oxymoron, but I was "fertile" for six years and pregnant six times, yet still didn't have a child to raise. Conquering pregnancy loss or infertility one time and bringing home a baby doesn't mean your reproductive problems are all "cured."

That's why I don't see my journey as over. This is not a resolution to this problem for me. For as long as I live and as long as I write, my history and my experience with infertility and loss is bound to come out. It's part of who I am. My daughter will know that it's part of her story, too. I don't by any means think that it defines who I am, but it is certainly part of me.

It's also true that my experience with infertility and miscarriage has changed the way I look at things. I think we all have our filters -- the things in our past that make us see things the way we do. It's unique to each and every one of us and that's kind of what makes the world go round. And frankly, that's what I find interesting about people and about blogs. No one has the exact same story and I love to hear different perspectives.

This blog hasn't been so much about my quest to get pregnant and bring home a baby. That's not why I started writing it in the first place. It was more about how it felt to live with recurrent pregnancy loss and how I personally tried to find my way through that valley. That's why I don't think that the topic will die when I have this baby. I'm still finding my way. I'm still trying to live with what I've been through. My wounds are still healing from this battle. I know that our miracle baby will add a lot of joy to this journey and I'm so happy about that! It is long past time for us to feel some joy after so many losses and it hasn't come a moment too soon. I welcome a new chapter to this story, but I won't erase the old chapters. Besides, if they weren't there my story would look entirely different. Just like so many times before, it doesn't all end with a positive pregnancy test.

So, I'm planning to continue blogging and to keep writing what's in my heart. I still think I have a story to tell. I hope that it will be one that, even though it started out with much sadness, hurt, and waiting, will continue to become a story of perseverance, hope, and second chances.

Second 3D Ultrasound and an Anniversary

2010-05-29T12:21:00.007-05:00

No, it's not our wedding anniversary... yet. That's coming up next weekend and we are so looking forward to getting away for a sweet little weekend trip (more to come on that later)! Earlier this week, on Thursday, I celebrated 2 years of blogging! May 27 was my second "blogoversary" and it was also the day of our second 3D ultrasound.

If you'll remember, at the first 3D ultrasound they offered for us to come back for free so we could try again to get good pictures of the baby's face. Well, we tried for a whole hour and we definitely have a little girl who likes to cover her face with her arms and hands! I wasn't the least bit disappointed, though. I still think she looks precious! We did get a couple of peeks at half of her face. :) It also amazes me just to see her perfectly formed arms, hands, legs, and feet. We did get some pretty neat pictures that I will try to add to the web album soon (check the link in the sidebar to see the ultrasound pics). It may take me a day or two to get them uploaded because it's a busy weekend over here.

I have to say it was truly amazing to go into an ultrasound with little to no nerves. I don't think that has ever happened in my life. After so many years of bad news and devastating results, it was such a relief to be able to relax and simply enjoy being able to see our baby. That, in itself, is a miracle to me!

My family came with us to the appointment again this week. It was great to have my mom, sister, and nephews with us again, and this time my brother joined the party, too. I really like how this elective u/s place encourages you to bring as many family members as you want. It's fun to fill up the room and marvel over this little miracle together!

Mom, sis, and kiddos only stayed for the day and had to get back home. My brother, however, is staying through the weekend to help Chuck out with some home projects. I am so glad! Our garage has been full for about a year with materials to finish changing out the carpet with wood floors and putting up crown molding in the bedrooms. The guys got the crown done yesterday in the guest room and our bedroom (Lily's room was already done). Last night they pulled the carpet out of our room and they're working on laying the floor today. I'm thrilled that our house is now carpet-free! I'll post some pics after it's all done.

So much has changed in two years of blogging. I was just spending time in prayer for all of you last night, thanking God for all of the ways that He is working in your lives. I praised Him for miracles and answered prayers, and I pleaded with Him to continue to open wombs and listen to cries for help. I asked Him to comfort those of you who are grieving losses. I prayed for those who are waiting to adopt and those still trying to conceive and have successful pregnancies.

I'm excited and hopeful to see what great news will come in the next two years. Thanks so much for being friends and supporters to us for the past 24 months. We are so blessed to have you in our lives!

Wishing you all a happy Memorial Day weekend, in honor of those who have served and paid the ultimate price for freedom.

I Miss Them

2010-05-26T08:00:00.002-05:00

I've been very sentimental lately about my sister's boys and how much they've grown. I'll admit that watching them grow sometimes reminds me of the children we lost and how much time has gone by on this long journey to our baby. I always thought that our children would grow up together and be babies together. My first baby should have been born roughly a month after my sister's second son came into the world. Yes, I still mourn the fact that they won't be small together even though I know that they will still have a special bond.

But aside from all that, and despite how much I love who they are now, I miss the precious little boys that they were!

I miss those first cuddles and the wonder of new life.

I miss those big, gummy smiles.

I miss the excitement of becoming a brand new aunt... again.

I miss the baby brother who was almost as big as his big brother. :)

I miss watching my husband learn how to become an incredible uncle (he's an old pro now).

I miss those sweet giggles.

And I miss the time when they could BOTH fit in my lap.

As much as I miss these precious baby boys who stole my heart 9 and 7 years ago, I absolutely love them just as much today. I know that even though it didn't all work out in my timing and my way, we had these little boys when we did because we had a giant hole that needed to be filled. My sister let us "parent" her boys and love them with all we had while we lost and longed and waited. The truth is that we didn't have to wait for children to love. God put these boys into our lives at the right time - His time - to help us heal.

I never could have imagined that they wouldn't meet their baby cousin until they were in 2nd and 4th grade, but I can't wait until that day comes! I have loved every moment of watching my nephews grow, and I think that moment will be all the more precious because of the years we've spent knowing and loving them. I know we have plenty of years of smiles ahead!

Baby Kicks

2010-05-25T12:23:00.004-05:00

This week I finally did it. Rather, she finally did it. She started kicking, and not only can I feel it but my husband can, too. And we can SEE it. And we are both amazed!

I first felt it Sunday afternoon while I was relaxing on the couch. Chuck was outside working in the garage. When I finally realized what was happening, I called him inside so he could see and feel it too. Actual baby kicks and pokes.
I had been feeling flutters, which felt more to me like vibrations, for a few weeks now and had been waiting for the day that I would feel something that I could say without a doubt was her. This is definitely her!

We are absolutely in awe.

Thank you, Lord, for the miracle of this growing, living baby!

Regrets

2010-05-22T15:00:00.000-05:00

(I hate to start a post with a disclaimer, but wanted to make it clear that this is not meant in any way to point a finger at anyone. It comes only from things I have thought and felt as part of my own personal journey. And now I hope it doesn't come out as one big jumbled mess...)

Regrets. I've had a few. And I've been thinking about them a lot lately as my perspective begins to shift.

When I think about how going through recurrent pregnancy loss changed me as a person over the years, I can't help but think about the bad things every now and then. And while I know that the way I interacted with and responded to people around me came from a place of deep, deep hurt and grief, I do sometimes feel badly about things I didn't do. There were times when I wasn't capable of attending baby showers. There were times when I couldn't go visit a family in the hospital after the birth of a child. There were days when seeing a positive pregnancy test on someone's blog felt like more than I could handle. And there were times when even looking at a pregnant woman was just so hard.

Yet somehow I know that that's really okay. I encourage others that it's okay and I honestly believe that. Only you know how much you can handle at any given time when you are the one who's hurting. While it may sound selfish, sometimes you really do have to think about your fragile emotional state and do what's necessary to protect yourself. Sometimes your heart needs time to heal.

I remember times when I pushed myself to do things even though I knew in my heart I wasn't ready. I was once persuaded to begin attending a new small group Bible study many years back, too soon after one of my miscarriages. It was in the home of a person I barely knew, but I went. As the conversation grew more personal during the meeting, I felt exposed and vulnerable and it wasn't long before the tears were flowing and I wanted to hide under the table. I was so uncomfortable and I knew that I'd made a mistake. It was just too early.

The last baby shower I attended more than three years ago was equally painful. Again, I knew deep down that I wasn't ready. Thankfully, that time when I felt my emotions rising up, I was able to make a swift exit before they began to overflow. Truthfully, the last thing I wanted to do was ruin the event for the happy mother-to-be. And it wasn't just being there around an expectant mother that was tough; it was the nature of the shower itself. We had to go around the room and share personal motherhood stories (Is this anyone else's worst nightmare? Did it occur to them that not everyone in the room had children?), and I was not prepared to be in the spotlight and have my grief on display in front of so many onlookers.

I think I realized that I had to take things on a case-by-case basis. There were other times when I felt truly safe in a situation and knew that I could handle it and wanted to be there. While the baby shower remained too unpredictable for me, I began to feel excitement again about visiting new babies in the hospital. I found great joy in being able to be there with my friends and celebrate the miracle of life with them! I know that it's by the grace of God, but in those small hospital rooms surrounded by such precious friends, I began to feel safe again. Even though I might have a knot in my throat the size of Texas when I held those brand new babies and remembered what I'd lost, I no longer let it take over and have control over me. And if it happened that later, in the privacy of my home and in the arms of my understanding husband, that I needed to have a good cry, then I let that happen, too. It had never really been about wishing other people harm or not being happy for them. It wasn't even so much about jealousy or bitterness. It was simply my own sadness and emptiness because of my inability to be a mother and my grief over having lost our babies over and over again.

While I was seeing progress and changes in my own heart eventually, it had taken a long time. I still feel some regret because I wasn't more supportive for certain friends during their pregnancies. There are dear, precious friends who have held us up and prayed their hearts out for my own pregnancy, and when I remember how distant I must have been during their joyful times, I am so ashamed. I've made a few tearful apologies about that and have so far been met with such grace and understanding by friends who truly sought to understand where I was coming from. Even so, I felt the apology was necessary and it has done my heart good to go through with it.

I think I realized that, as often as I complained about friends who wanted to be there in my joys and not my sorrows, it was hypocritical of me that I couldn't be there in their times of celebration! I had begun to only identify with others who were hurting like I was because somehow that was easier. And while I do think that we are given the ability to encourage others who share in our specific trials, I know that I was separating myself from those who had what I wanted. And I know that it wasn't fair.

Just as it hurts when friends abandon you in your times of need, when you're hurt and grieving and struggling, it also hurts when friends can't love you enough to be happy when you finally make it through and survive that horrible trial. I didn't want to be that kind of friend to others. It was a hard transition, but God began to change my heart. He showed me how sad it was that I found it difficult to celebrate when He created a new life. After all, if I couldn't celebrate when others had successful pregnancies, what did that say about me? I always said I wouldn't wish infertility or miscarriage on my worst enemy. If that was really true, then I knew the right thing to do was to be genuinely joyful when a new baby was born and to celebrate with my friends who became new parents. The alternative, while it was familiar to me after losing six babies, would have been so hard to watch my friends struggle through. Of course that is not what I wanted.

And now, of course, as this pregnancy progresses, I can't believe that I am here. My perspective is changing once again. My goal will always be to make my blog a safe place for those who visit. But just as I shared my hurt and longing during the waiting, I must also share the joy that comes from being able to see the end of a long and painful struggle finally coming into focus. I know that some won't follow. And even though it stings a bit, I understand. I understand that so many times the person who is hurting has more urgent needs, whether it be support or prayers or space or time. I know, because that's where I was for eight long years.

I hope this blog will always be a place where others can come and find friendship and understanding, and especially a testimony to God's faithfulness. I've promised that I will never, could never, forget where I've been and how painful it was. The memories of the children we didn't get to hold and the years we spent waiting and the agony of not knowing what our future would hold are forever in my heart.

I hope you know that it means the world to me that so many of you still choose to walk with us, even now in our joy over this answered prayer. I know that's not easy when your heart longs to have your prayer answered. But I thank you for caring and loving enough to appreciate how much this baby means to us and how much we went through to get her here. It is truly a treasure to have friends who are there when you mourn and when you celebrate, and we're honored to share each part of our journey with you! We can't wait to one day celebrate your victories with you, dear friends.

Our Sweet Baby's Name

2010-05-18T22:00:00.002-05:00

This feels like one of the most surreal posts I've written yet. Our baby's name. It could only be second to her actual arrival, I imagine.

For years we've thought about this and imagined what names we might choose for our babies. We've kept a list of favorites. Some have been crossed off over the years because our tastes changed or because the names had been used by those around us already. We have mostly never wavered on our top choices, and we have always found girl names so much easier to pick than boy names. In fact, we've had two girl names that we were pretty positive were our go-to names for many years. If I could go back to 8 years ago, or 5 years ago, or probably even 2 years ago, and ask myself what I would name my baby girl, I'm sure I'd know the answer. That name, however, is not the one we chose! While I'm still fond of our early choices, we just felt like we were being led in a different direction when this finally became a reality.

After we found out about this pregnancy and the girl predictions started pouring in, we began thinking girl as well. As the baby grew and progressed beyond what we had ever experienced before, I finally pulled out that old list of names. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I still liked so many of them, and that the one name that had been coming up in my mind over and over again was actually on the list and had been for years. I mentioned it to my husband a couple of months ago and he instantly liked it, but he had a moment when it all clicked a few weeks later and I could tell that he knew it was his daughter's name. Lily.

Our little girl's first name is Lily.

After I knew for certain that it was the right name, I began looking up the meaning. I already knew that, like the flower, it symbolized purity and innocence. But one day I was doing some reading about how the lily also represents two very important things on our own personal journey to this baby: peace and remembrance. As soon as I shared what I'd read with my husband I knew that he was completely on board. Not only was it a beautiful, lovely name, it also meant something to us. It struck us both so clearly and so powerfully in that moment and we knew that it was perfect.

Since that day we have, of course, found out that this baby is a girl. We shared the name with family and a few close friends at first and everyone agreed that it fit. I feel more and more sure every day that it is right for this time and for this child.
Here are some things I've discovered in the past few weeks about what the lily symbolizes:

Purity
Innocence
Peace
Remembrance
Virtue
New life
Hope
Faith
Renewal
Fertility
Motherhood
Promise
Transitioning

Wow. So many meanings and so many applications for what this baby means for us. And while the lily stands for so many beautiful things it is also commonly associated with death, but not in a morbid way. It is instead a symbol of innocence, and a reminder for those living that there is new life and peace that comes in the knowledge of that eternal life. Most people think of the Easter lily and how it represents the resurrection and new life of Christ. The lily has also been a traditional symbol of the Virgin Mary as well as the Trinity.

One source that I recently found states that the lily is mentioned 15 times in the Bible. My favorite of those references are:
From Song of Solomon 2:2 "As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters." I love the imagery of a beautiful lily growing in such an unlikely place, among the thorns. That really means something to me.

And probably the most commonly recognized reference to the lily is from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 6:28-34 "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." These have long been some of my favorite verses about God's provision for His children. If the Lord takes care of the lilies of the field, he surely will take care of us!

In my research of the lily this week I discovered something else that I find very touching. The following are just legends, of course, but I can still appreciate the imagery and symbolism. I found two accounts of lilies springing up from great sorrow, pain, and tears. These do not appear in the Bible, but the first story is from the Biblical account of Adam and Eve. The legend is that after the two were cast out of the Garden of Eden, Eve repented and as she wept, lilies grew from the place where her tears fell. The second is a story that comes from the true account of Christ's suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane. The legend states that lilies grew from the drops of sweat that fell from his suffering and agony before the cross. Again, these are only legends that are have grown out of true events in the Bible, but the symbolism is not lost on me. Our little Lily is springing up from a wealth of our own tears, sweat, and grief.

I know this is getting very long and I hope I haven't exhausted you with all of these many things that this name represents for us! But I have to mention that the lily (or fleur-de-lis) is also commonly used to represent areas formerly settled by France, like our beloved home state of Louisiana! :)

Lily will share my middle name, Rae, which I've always loved. My dad was responsible for choosing my name when I was born and he gave me that name after himself (his name is Raymond). I have known for most of my adult life that I would one day want to share the name with my daughter if I ever had the chance.

On the day of the 3D ultrasound, when we first learned she was a girl, I went shopping with my mom and my sister. We came across these sweet little name plaques to hang on the wall and we couldn't believe it when we flipped through all of them and this was the very last one:

We are so eager to meet our precious Lily Rae, and we can't wait to tell her how much she is loved and prayed for and how much her life, and even her name, mean to us!

And finally, I can't help but notice that for two years I've been blogging with a photo as my profile picture that my husband snapped on one of our vacations... of a beautiful yellow lily.